The Loving Truth

3 Myths About Desire That Keep Marriages Stuck

• Sharon Pope • Episode 163

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After more than a decade of coaching women through marriage struggles, I’ve learned that desire in long-term relationships is widely misunderstood.

We think it’s a magical feeling that appears when we’re with the “right” person, that it should always be spontaneous, and that focusing on our own pleasure is selfish.

The truth is, desire takes effort, intention, and a willingness to be an active participant in creating it.

Familiarity, daily responsibilities, and unresolved hurts can all drain desire.

But we can bring it back by making space for spontaneity and adventure, planning intimacy so we can be present for it, and giving ourselves permission to care about our own pleasure.

Desire doesn’t just happen—it’s something we can nurture if we choose.

Struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you’re serious about finding that answer?

Book a Truth & Clarity Session with a member of my team. We’ll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there’s a fit for you and I to work together so you can make - and execute - the RIGHT decision for YOU and your marriage.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Loving Truth Podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host relationship expert and certified Master Life Coach, sharon Pope.

Speaker 2:

Hello, loves, this is Sharon Pope and this is the Loving Truth. Today we're going to talk about my top three myths as it relates to desire. I have probably 10 of them, but I chose the top three to share with you today. So I've been doing this for more than 12 years and over the course of more than a decade now. There are probably only five or six people in that entire time who they found their way to my work, where they're struggling in their marriages and they're still enjoying sex with their spouse, right, most people who find their way to my work. By the time they get to me, the things that they're saying sound like I have no desire to be intimate with my spouse. So you know, just like we didn't get any training on being in relationships, we got zero training on desire. Before becoming an adult and getting into committed adult relationships, we had no training. So we don't know what it is, we don't know where it comes from, we don't know how to sustain it and we don't know how to get it back once it's left the building and then, because we don't understand it, we think it's some sort of like magical thing that is there one minute and then gone a few years later, right. And then also for some people at different stages of their life, desire is something that feels like it sort of ebbs and flows, where sex inside the relationship becomes something that they could sort of take or leave on any given day, and it really just depends on their stage of life and what else is going on in their lives. So let's begin with what is desire on in their lives. So let's begin with what is desire, first of all. Desire is just a strong feeling of wanting. That's the definition, and in the context of a marriage, what that means is a strong feeling of wanting sex, wanting intimacy, and wanting emotional and or physical closeness, and wanting emotional and or physical closeness. So that's what we're talking about. And the first question that I often will ask people when we start talking about desire is do you want to desire your spouse? Which seems like a question that should have an easy answer. If you say yes, okay, great, we've got something to work with. I want to desire my spouse again. I don't today, that's okay, but I want to desire them again. Now I have something to work with, because there's an open mind there.

Speaker 2:

But very often what I find is that we're so shut down from our partners because of all the hurt and resentment over the years, that we might complain about the fact that we don't have desire for our spouse, but we're not inclined to fix it necessarily. And so let's talk about how we lose desire to begin with, like, how do we get here to this place of where we don't desire our spouse? The things that nurture love and committed relationships and help our committed relationships to function really well are the very same things that hinder desire. It's like they're opposing energies of some sort. And so let me give you an example. You know we need predictability and schedules and security so that our house runs and so that we know that at the end of the day, we're both coming home to this home and this family. That's what gives us a sense of security. It gives us a sense of trust and groundedness and love, really.

Speaker 2:

But the things that ignite desire are not predictability and security. The things that ignite desire are things like spontaneity and adventure and maybe even danger or risk. Right, those are the things that sort of give us the dopamine hits. And at home, as a couple, you know, we have to be responsible adults who are raising kids and going to work and paying bills, but you cannot be in your responsible adult self and in your erotic adult self simultaneously, right? Those are two very different energies. And so I would ask like you know, you can think about this for yourself of like, when's the last time that you sort of let your guard down, when you let go of that responsible self where you didn't do what was expected or what you should do? When was the last time you just let your hair down a little bit? You know, because I think so often we just get so encumbered in the roles that we play in being that responsible adult, and those are important roles, and I'm not suggesting otherwise. I'm just saying we need a both and it's not either, or it's a both and Okay.

Speaker 2:

So how do you ignite desire, particularly once it's been lost? And I will tell you, this is the part that's on us to do. See, we think that desire should just magically be there, like if I'm with the right person. I should just be able to gaze in their direction or think about them and I'll feel desire. Now that can happen with a person you've never met before at a bar, right, because it's all new and exciting and a little dangerous, but it's not going to happen in a marriage that you've been together for a decade or two, or three or four, where you are raising kids and you're paying bills and you're taking out the trash and you're taking care of aging parents and all of those things cooking dinner every night, grocery shopping two, three times a week, like you, just gazing or thinking about your partner after 20 years is not just going to get desire flowing, and that is normal, because familiarity suppresses desire. And at this point, after a few decades together, you're very familiar with one another and you know, as a couple we fall into these roles of being co-parents and functioning as roommates, of being co-parents and functioning as roommates. And then, because we function like co-parents and roommates, we fall into that inside of our relationship. Our relationship morphs from being lovers to being spouses, to then going into we're good co-parents and it feels like roommates, and so that's how we end up here.

Speaker 2:

And the other thing I will tell you is that when there's another area of the marriage that is struggling or is not doing so well, then your desire is going to take a hit as well. So think about it like this. Let's say, your husband's actions and words are not lining up, like he says he's going to do something but then he never does it and that makes you not trust him. So if you don't think or you don't feel like you can trust your partner and you don't think they're a man of their word, well of course you're not going to desire that person. So desire is going to take a hit. So our sex lives always take a hit when other areas of our relationship is suffering.

Speaker 2:

Now, what no one taught us in the realm I mean, we got no training right but the one thing that no one taught us is that we have to be an active participant in the creation of our desire. I'm going to say it again we need to be an active participant in the creation of our desire. I'm going to say it again we need to be an active participant in the creation of our own desire. It's not just on our partner for us to feel desire, and we can't rely on desire to be there between us if we turn our back to it and never make any investment into it. So I wish someone would have told me early on that if you don't pay attention to the desire part of your marriage, you won't have it in a few years, but that is true for almost every couple on the planet. You know it needs some attention, that part of your life needs some attention, otherwise it will atrophy and go away.

Speaker 2:

So let's debunk the myths. The first one is I've already touched on it a lot which is desire is not something that is magical. It's not this magical thing that gets bestowed upon some people and not on others, or is there one day and gone a few years later. It's just not all right. Desire takes effort and it takes attention, and it also takes two willing and active participants. All right, that's the first one.

Speaker 2:

The second myth is that desire can only be there when it's spontaneous. See, we think that desire and sex should happen both randomly and spontaneously, right, and that we should always be in the mood at the exact same time. And it can happen. I'm not saying it's never going to happen, no-transcript spontaneity that has to be spontaneous. Like that might have worked early on in your marriage, you know, when everything was new. But now that you're 10 or 20 years into it and you're in your responsible modes as an adult, that's not going to work. And so when you're married, you know if you don't plan sex, then it's not going to happen, right, especially once kids come along, because kids have a way of sort of taking up any extra space that is available. So if there's extra time in the day, it's going to go towards the kids. If there's extra energy that you have to give, extra love, you have to give. You know we gladly give that to our children. So planned sex is sex that happens inside of a relationship. Right and premeditated desire is desire that is present inside of a relationship. So you might think that sex that is planned isn't as enjoyable as spontaneous sex.

Speaker 2:

But I'm going to disagree with you, because having specific times when I know that sex is going to happen means that I can plan ahead and I can get myself in the right frame of mind. I don't have to do it on the fly. You know, when my husband happens to be in the mood and I'm folding laundry or I'm preparing a podcast or something like that, like that's why it doesn't work. But when it's planned, like I'm already thinking about it, I'm getting myself in the right frame of mind for that. And having it planned in advance means that you can be intentional, you can be focused and you can be present for the experience, which is really important, particularly as a woman. If you are a high-performing, over-functioning woman, you cannot have your mind all in your to-do list and all the things that you need to get done and orgasm at the same time. You can't. You have to be present in your body, you have to be out of your head and in your body. So our frame of mind, of how we show up to that experience, impacts our experience dramatically.

Speaker 2:

Okay, the third myth I want to bust is this myth of selfishness. Women are not great at being selfish, but pleasure requires us to be selfish to a certain degree. So love often looks like being selfless, doing for others right, but desire, and sex for that matter, means that we need to be selfish at least for a few moments. We need to care about our pleasure at least for a few moments. We need to be present for ourselves and our partner and we need to get out of our head and into our bodies for a few moments. It essentially is asking the question of can you remain present for yourself and your partner at the same time? Can you remain connected to that? Because desire wants to be satisfied and in a sexual experience, both of your desires are equally important. They both matter, and so when you're able to remain connected to yourself in the presence of your partner, then you're able to have a better experience. But as women like we are not taught to be selfish. We're taught the opposite right To be completely selfless. That's what makes a good woman, a good mother, a good wife is to do for other people, like, even like at funerals in our eulogy right, what do they talk about? But all that she did for everybody else.

Speaker 2:

So it is our inability to prioritize our own pleasure which creates a bit of a dysfunctional relationship between women and sex. It's not the only thing. There's many things, but another big one is that you know, we are brought up being taught that everything related to sex is bad, bad, bad. You can get pregnant, you can get an STD, you'll be slut shamed, you'll be. You know like it's not a good thing for a girl to want to have sex. And then you become an adult and you get married and now you're supposed to have a healthy relationship with sex, when for the first 20 years of your life it was all no, no, no, no, no. It's all bad. So that creates some dysfunction that we need to heal as women as it relates to sex. Now here's what's interesting is that many women can give themselves permission to experience selfishness inside of an affair because they're able to sort of compartmentalize that experience. If I can be selfish over here, but at home I have to be the good wife and the good mother and the you know I have to do all the things for everybody. It's like the roles that we play, and so, again, this isn't an either, or we play, and so again, this isn't an either, or it's a both, and Okay.

Speaker 2:

So the three myths it's desire is not magical. It takes effort, it takes us showing up for it. We have to be an active participant in the creation of our own desire. That's how it happens. The second is it doesn't need to be spontaneous. It can be just as fulfilling when it is planned. It doesn't have to be spontaneous. And the last one is you are allowed, my friends, you are encouraged, to be selfish for the purpose of cultivating your desire, even if just for a few moments, a few times a week, all right, I hope that that helps give you a fresh perspective on desire and gets you thinking about it in a new way. Until next time, take really good care.

Speaker 1:

If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team. On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage. Go to clarityformymarriagecom to fill out an application now. That's clarityformymarriagecom.