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The Loving Truth
As a Relationship Expert & Certified Master Life Coach, Sharon Pope has helped thousands of women gain the confidence and clarity they need to either fix their struggling marriages or move forward without regret. On The Loving Truth Podcast, she shares advice on how to navigate deep marriage hardships, challenging common beliefs about what love and relationships “should be” and providing realistic steps towards peace and happiness. If you can’t decide whether to stay or go in your marriage… you’re facing infidelity… you’re terrified of hurting your kids… you can’t bring yourself to leave your marriage, even though you want to… or you’re wondering whether it’s possible to respark the desire between you… tune in to the weekly episodes.
The Loving Truth
Ask Sharon: When Effort Isn’t Enough and Decisions Get Challenged
Deciding what to do in a marriage is never simple, especially when you’re questioning whether your partner’s “all in” effort is real or just words.
I walk a member through how to recognize that personal growth starts inside, and real change isn’t just mental—it shows up in consistent action.
We also tackle the challenge of delivering a separation or divorce decision when your partner reacts with tears, promises, or attempts to debate the past.
I teach how to stay grounded, honor your own needs, communicate clearly, and avoid being pulled into endless arguments.
Love and clarity begin with you, and you don’t have to navigate these conversations alone.
Struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you’re serious about finding that answer?
Book a Truth & Clarity Session with a member of my team. We’ll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there’s a fit for you and I to work together so you can make - and execute - the RIGHT decision for YOU and your marriage.
Making a decision about your relationship is never easy, but you don't have to do it alone Inside the Decision, the only place where I offer direct coaching. I help women just like you navigate the uncertainty of their marriage. Today, I'm opening the doors and sharing a behind-the-scenes look at a real Q&A session. In this episode. You'll hear real questions, real coaching and real breakthroughs. Whether you're facing a tough decision or just seeking clarity, I hope this gives you exactly what you need to take your next step.
Speaker 1:Husband says he is working at the marriage and is all in, yet can't tell me what, if anything, he is doing for the marriage or his personal growth. I see no change yet in him or his approach. He tells me I am not doing anything for the marriage because I don't touch him enough. Okay, so the reason I went uh is because this is very much like what have you done for me lately. It's being in relationship and loving to get and not loving to give, right, so I only I don't like what. Like you say, you're doing these things, but what does that mean for me and you're both sort of doing it? Now, maybe I'm a bit biased, but you're actually here and you're in this group and you're getting new tools and maybe you're applying some of them. Maybe some of them you're not. Like you know, okay, fine, but you're not doing nothing.
Speaker 1:Most of the world says I'm working on my marriage and what they mean is they're being nice. When nice is table stakes, you can't be in a relationship with your next door neighbor if you're not at least nice once in a while. But you're in your most intimate relationship, nice is not enough. So when people say they're working on it but they're not actually doing anything to get equipped with real relationship tools so that they can change their patterns and behaviors and thoughts and beliefs and how they show up and all the things, I don't trust it personally. So at least you're here. We don't know what if I don't know, if he's just he doesn't want to tell you what he's doing, like he's actually doing something but he doesn't want to tell you, or he's just saying I'm all in and it's just a mental thing, how many times please tell me I'm not alone? How many times have any of you been all in on giving up sugar and then a week later you're like I need the chocolate bar, whatever, we go all in a 1000 times on different things. Probably for me, probably 1000 times on a diet, like I'm in it, I'm not in it, I'm in it, I'm not in it. And we can do that for a while, but until you change, like the nature of change.
Speaker 1:And to change habits and how we show up isn't just a mental decision. There are unicorns on the planet. I always call my husband a unicorn because when he was 15, he's like I'm never drinking pop again and literally dude's 53. And since 15, he's not touched a pop. Like, okay, all right, good, good for you. There are unicorns that can just make that mental decision and forevermore that's how it is. But that is like. I don't know what percent of the world that is, but it has to be less than 5%.
Speaker 1:Most of us poor schmucks have to do it again and again, and again and again until we finally get sick of it and we're like I want the outcome more than I want this thing. And when I want that more than this thing, then I'm willing to live through the discomfort of not having this thing. So that's why I don't trust when people are just like oh, I'm all in, I'll never do that again, because I know we do. It's just human beings. So, going back to your question to make because sometimes I go on little rants, let me make sure I'm getting your question answered so a lot of change happens internally and so it's not all external. It usually manifests externally, but then we don't always tie it back to oh, because I did this internal thing. That's why I didn't react the same way I usually do, or he didn't respond the same way I usually do, and clearly his love language is physical touch and so he's like if you're not solving that problem, I don't know what the hell you're doing. Right, you just need to come over and rub on me or something. So it doesn't surprise me that you're both sort of like well, I don't see it. We're both saying we're doing things, but I don't see it.
Speaker 1:But I think it might be helpful and a mature thing to be able to have a conversation about what personal growth looks like. It's interesting how I'm now honoring my needs, wants, preferences, experiences and validating that for myself. That's usually not something people see or they don't go. Oh, preferences, experiences and validating that for myself that's usually not something people see or they don't go. Oh, look at her. She's validating herself. That's amazing. She's coming back home to her heart. No one sees it like that. They usually are like huh, that's new, don't know what that's about, or that's selfish. They don't always like it when you're focused on your own needs and not their needs. They really liked it when you were focused on their needs. So so much of personal growth, because it begins in here is not outwardly visual, and even when it is, we don't always tie it back to oh, that's because of the work that I'm doing here in this way.
Speaker 1:So it might be just a helpful, productive conversation to just talk about the nature of how this all works. And it's not this like if I do this, I'll want to touch my husband. You got to get through like I feel friendship, I feel trust, I feel respect, I want to spend time with them, I want to have fun with them. There's steps to that process and he wants you to go from back here in disconnection to the top to desire. He wants you to scale the 30-foot ladder in one step and if you haven't done that, then you're not doing anything. It's a process, and so we've got to acknowledge that for ourselves. Now what you could help him is like you could even you could draw out or print out from the attachments, in disconnection to desire, like that ladder. And here's the steps, like I'm not going to be able to go. No one is able to go from the bottom rung to the top rung. I'm sorry you did not marry Spider-Man and so I get that. You want that result.
Speaker 1:But also, we're both coming at this when we're pointing at each other, going well, what are you doing? I don't see it. What are you doing? I don't see it. We're both coming at it from a place of what have you done for me? And if you haven't done anything for me, then I'm out, and that if there's one thing that is killing relationships around the world today, it is this.
Speaker 1:It is that mentality of I'm here to get as opposed to I'm here to give. I'm here to get love. I'm here to get my needs met as opposed to I'm here to meet your needs. I'm here to love you because it's who I am and ultimately, it's. All I'm here to do is just to love people as best I can, and it's not always perfect, but it doesn't mean love. Don't misconstrue me. Love is not abandoning yourself. It has to begin with you. Then I love the other person so I can love you to the point where, if it requires me to abandon myself, that's where I got to pump the brakes, so it has to begin here and then it goes outward. So sometimes when people hear that they're like, so I'm just supposed to love them no matter what, because that's who I am, it doesn't mean you set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. You love because it's who you are. But that doesn't mean you have to be in your most intimate relationship with someone where it requires you to abandon the love that you have for yourself. Okay, here's what she says Hi.
Speaker 1:So I tried having the conversation. What she means by that is the conversation to let her husband know that she's ready to separate, and only made it through the first part before he started questioning everything and saying he'll go to something like AA, but not AA, and will also go to therapy. It turned into an hours long conversation and 24 hours of his tears. My intuition still tells me that I don't want to go through or be involved in his healing or whatever comes next, and that I should continue on with a separation or divorce. It seems like he'll only do healing things to get me to stay, and in my experience, it only works if they go on their own and at their rock bottom. I agree with you. By the way, he already quit drinking cold turkey for a short time when he found out I had one foot out the door a couple months ago, but never committed to therapy. He wobbled at the time but saw oh, I wobbled at the time but saw him backslide on all the positive changes, because without structure, they're just good behavior. Yep, you're right. He is an amazing man that everyone loves, of course, and his mom also passed unexpectedly about a month ago. So I feel like the worst person on the planet to push forward with a separation or divorce right now. That's still my decision, but how and when to try the conversation again and how should I modify it?
Speaker 1:And then she wrote out her part of the conversation. For those of you in divorce differently, this will all sound very familiar. I haven't been happy. This is what she told her husband. I haven't been happy for a long time and this relationship no longer works for me. It is beyond repair for me. I've made the decision that it's time for us to separate and divorce. This is going to be painful, but I want you to know that I'm going to make this as peaceful and drama-free as possible, and I hope that you will too. I played an important role in this relationship and I'm sorry for all the ways that I fell down. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry that it didn't work out. I'm certain that we are going to be able to come up with a way that is reasonable and fair, but now is not the time to go into the details. So that's what she wanted to say.
Speaker 1:The problem is what she said. She got a few sentences in and he started questioning everything and wanting to fix everything. So, first of all, I would say that the problem usually and you can tell me that this is not the case with you, but I'll say the problem usually is that when he starts questioning how we got to where we are which are conversations you have had probably 100 times, and here's all the ways we're going to fix it Get into the reasons. This is why I tell you you do not talk about the reasons. So when he starts talking about the reasons, you've been indulging it. That's why you've had several hours of conversation and 24 hours of tears, because you've indulged it to some degree.
Speaker 1:So the picture I drew you. It's super pretty. Look at. How can you even tell what it is? Yeah, it's a tree. Okay, so this is how I think about this. You know, I love a good metaphor.
Speaker 1:So when you are expressing a decision you've made, that is the main thing. That is the trunk of the tree. I want you to stay in the trunk of the tree. The problem is when you're expressing this to your partner, who does not want it. He's going to, he or she is going to want to take you down all these branches and let's talk about and every one of these branches is a reason. Tell me why. Well, sex isn't great, you're drinking too much, too much porn. You don't hear me, you don't understand me, you don't like. Whatever these branches are, when you start going down these branches, there's no end. There's branches off of branches. There's a million little leaves off each of these branches, like there's no winning when you get out here, there's no path, there's no path through it. You have to stay right here. You have to stay in the trunk, stay in the tree trunk, stop getting branched out, because that's when you get into hours-long conversation, because you're now going back and rehashing how did we get here and then, as soon as you bring up these are my reasons, these are my branches, these are my reasons Then what he or she will want to do is to negate each of your reasons.
Speaker 1:Because if we can get rid of your reasons, then new decision needs to be made. If I can invalidate how you feel, if I can invalidate what brought you to this place, or if I can take it away and say, oh, you don't like my drinking, so I'll stop drinking. Now I can change the circumstance. That's what he's trying to do. He wants to change the circumstance because he doesn't like that. You're ready to leave? So this is why I tell you not to get in that conversation, because it doesn't serve you and it will exhaust you and it doesn't even actually change anything.
Speaker 1:You said that your intuition tells you stay the road. I think you got to trust your intuition. The way that you're speaking, the way that you're talking, tells me that you're very clear. You're not scattered, you're not all over the place. You're very clear about what's happening and how you're feeling about it. I also think that some of the things you say, like he'll only do healing things to get me to stay I have seen that 10,000 times. I'm not lying.
Speaker 1:Everyone thinks their experience is unique to them. What I want you to know is our relationship experiences aren't terribly unique and it doesn't mean we're not special. We're special in other ways. But we're going to change the things with an agenda. But we're going to change the things with an agenda and then once you're staying because you wobbled.
Speaker 1:Now all the good behavior doesn't create lasting change, it doesn't create new habits, it doesn't change things for the long-term and it just looks like good behavior. And people have to want to change. Everyone can change, but they have to want to do it and usually we wait till rock bottom. Usually we wait till we have no other option and that's just human nature. It doesn't mean that they're bad people. It's just humans. Humaning quit drinking cold turkey.
Speaker 1:But he didn't go to therapy. He had no support around him and you can't be that support system. He had no community. He had no introspection and coaching or therapy or anything. There was no support. So of course, he wasn't successful. It's the version of white knuckling. It's why white knuckling doesn't work.
Speaker 1:Okay, so he has to heal on his own. When I was reading, reading through this, I was right there with you and I'm like, yeah, this is, this is work he has to do for him, not for you, just for him. And that means he needs to do it on his own, without any guarantee that you're going to stay or not. If he's going to repair, that's not who he wants to be, then he needs to do that work to change that. Whatever that is Okay. And if he really will not let you talk like as soon as you start talking he's just like interrupting and doing all the things then write it and give it to him. Like always, talking is better, but if you cannot, then don't not do it. Don't not say the thing that needs to be said. Write it down and give it to him as a letter.
Speaker 1:Okay, I want you to have a sentence or two at the ready so that when he gets into, either rehashing how we got here or trying to overcome the obstacle, that you have a sentence that just says at this time, I'm not willing to discuss how we got here. We have had that conversation many times. Period, end of sentence. You don't go into, I'm not willing to discuss it. Here's all the reasons I'm not willing to discuss it. Here's why we shouldn't. Don't stop talking, period. And when he keeps talking, you just repeat yourself I am not willing to have another conversation about how we got here and he'll keep talking. I am not willing Because if you're not willing to talk about it, you don't talk about it.
Speaker 1:You don't go there, you don't go down one of those branches. Stop getting hooked. Or if it's not about how you got here and it's about how to remedy the situation, how to get rid of all the circumstances that have made you come to this decision, you can say I am also not willing to talk about what you plan to promise to do to repair this. If you want to make the changes, you should make those changes, but you should not do it to create an outcome with me. Okay, so have a sentence or two that you can reach for, because you're going to need to say it over and over and over again, because he's going to keep doing that same behavior because it's worked. You've gotten baited before, you've gone down the branches before, so he's going to do it again and again.
Speaker 1:The only time he will change his approach is when that approach stops working. Make it stop working for him. Finding clarity in your relationship is one of the most important journeys you'll ever take, and you don't have to do it alone. If you're ready for support and guidance, apply for a truth and clarity session. You'll speak with a member of my team who will help you explore your situation and see if working together is the right next step for you. Visit clarity for my marriagecom to apply now. We'd love to support you on this journey.