The Loving Truth

How to Get Your Soul Back After Divorce

• Sharon Pope • Episode 171

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Divorce isn’t just the end of a marriage, it’s the loss of a dream, a role, and often a piece of who we thought we were.

Healing means allowing yourself to grieve fully without rushing, then noticing when grief has shifted from fuel to a crutch.

It’s about asking yourself honest questions, moving your body, and resisting the urge to fill loneliness with another relationship too soon.

Getting your soul back is really about rediscovering who you are now, trying new things, saying yes more often, nurturing your relationship with yourself, and allowing a fresh start to unfold.

Your relationship with yourself is the most important one you’ll ever have, because it impacts every other relationship in your life.

Struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you’re serious about finding that answer?

Book a Truth & Clarity Session with a member of my team. We’ll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there’s a fit for you and I to work together so you can make - and execute - the RIGHT decision for YOU and your marriage.

Speaker 2:

Welcome to the Loving Truth Podcast, where it's all about finding clarity confidence and peace in the face of marriage challenges.

Speaker 1:

And now your host relationship expert and certified Master Life Coach, sharon Pope. Hello, loves, this is Sharon Pope, and this is the Loving Truth. Today, I want to talk to you about how to get your soul back after a divorce. This was inspired by a former client of mine, where she said that she has run into a lot of people recently who have been struggling after their divorce and they know that they're not ready necessarily to get back into a relationship, but they just want to get back to a place of where they feel like themselves again because they've just not been feeling very good post-divorce. So let's talk about it.

Speaker 1:

So I don't want to overlook the grieving process. Grief is a part of the divorce process, even when you're the one that asks for the divorce. So I want you to really give yourself the time and space that you need to be able to grieve, just as any loss. If this were a death, you would go through the five stages of grief. This is no different. So you're going to walk through sadness, anger, bargaining, denial and acceptance. You're not going to want to give yourself a lot of time to grieve, and the reason for that is because grief feels horrible. It feels sad. You're going to want to just rush through it, you're going to want to fast forward your way right through this, and I want you to resist the temptation to do that, because these are feelings, these are emotions that have to be processed, and you need to give yourself the time and space to be able to do that. Now your mind may romanticize what was and find ways to be critical of you, ways to be critical of you, right. You may find yourself judging yourself more often. If only you had addressed it years earlier, if only you had done something differently, if only. And you'll tend to remember all the good times and you will suppress, or at least not have the bad times as dominant in your memory, and that's normal. But it also can leave you stuck in the grieving process longer than maybe is helpful or necessary. So just be aware of it.

Speaker 1:

At some point the grieving process does become a place where you can get stuck. So I do want you to just be aware of that. There's no time frame. You take as much time grieving the loss of that marriage as you need to. That is a loss of a dream you once had. It's a loss of a partner a dream you once had. It's a loss of a partner, potentially even a loss of a best friend. So give yourself as much time as you need, but notice when it starts to go into something that feels like it's becoming less productive for you.

Speaker 1:

Grieve as long as it's productive. Use it as fuel. Use your grief as fuel to burn up the resentment or the regret or the sadness, and know that at some point you're going to be sitting in the shed for a little bit too long and you're going to know that it's time to move on. You're going to know that the grief has become a bit of a woobie blanket that feels comfortable and known and familiar but isn't helping you step into what's next, because at some point, that's what you need is for you to be able to step into what's next. So you might be thinking well, how do I know the line between when it's productive grief and when I'm wallowing? And I think the answer to that is you be brutally honest with yourself, without judgment, okay. Without judgment, okay. So you tell yourself the truth about have I processed it? Have I given enough time and space to this? And now am I starting to use it as a crutch? Am I using it as an excuse to not go do big, new, uncomfortable, exciting things? Have I gotten into a bit of an Eeyore mode of what was me? And so if you can honestly answer those questions for yourself, then you're going to know when your right time to move forward is. And the other thing that I will say about this time of grief is that I really want you to consciously be moving your body. I don't care if that's taking a walk out in nature every single day or lifting weights or doing Peloton or SoulCycle or something like that, doing yoga. I want you to move your body. And the reason is because emotions get stored in our body and it's a way to release some of that emotion. It helps speed up the processing of emotions. When you're really actively moving your body Now, you may be tempted to rush into a relationship, thinking that is sort of the speed pass through the grief and back to getting your mojo back.

Speaker 1:

Also, you might be feeling lonely If you've been in a marriage for 20 or 30 years and now you're by yourself. It's natural to feel lonely when you're not in a relationship. It's not natural to feel lonely when you're married, when you have a partner by your side. That's not natural and that's a whole different kind of loneliness. But I think it's normal and natural to feel a bit of loneliness. But sometimes we don't like that feeling of loneliness. So we want to fill that hole as quickly as we possibly can so that we can avoid the feeling because it's uncomfortable. So I want you to get a little bit more comfortable with lonely, it's okay. It doesn't mean that it's uncomfortable. So I want you to get a little bit more comfortable with lonely, it's okay. It doesn't mean that it's forever. It means that it's a natural emotion to feel when you're not in relationship and maybe you'd like to be, but until the grieving is done.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to say something here If you haven't properly grieved your divorce and you just jump into a new relationship, my love, you are using the other person to avoid your own healing work and you're not exactly setting that relationship up for success. I mean, relationships are hard enough as it is, but if you layer on you, using that person to bypass your own pain because you just don't want to feel it, it's too hard. Well, we're not, yeah, we're just not setting it up for success. So if you are feeling that urge to jump into a new relationship. I want you to ask yourself why? Because the why is really important here. Why do I want to be in a relationship? Why do I want to be in a relationship now? Why am I feeling in a hurry to get into a relationship? Are you thinking that, oh, there's only so many good men out there and I don't want someone to go snatch up my man? Like that's just scarcity thinking? If you go into opening your heart to love again with a scarcity mentality, that's not going to serve you very well. And, by the way, people aren't possessions, so you don't have to nab one. That's not a healthy way to approach opening your heart to love again.

Speaker 1:

And also, what's the rush? Are we running back down the aisle anytime soon? We're probably not anxious to have more kids and expand our family, right? Maybe in our 20s and 30s it was all a biological clock thing and all of our friends were getting married and starting a family and that was what we should do. But now, like if you're in your 40s, 50s and 60s, what's the rush if you decide to start dating again? It's just two adults getting to know one another and enjoying spending time together. That's it. We're not trying to run back down the aisle right away Doesn't mean you won't get married, but it's like it's not the goal anymore. The goal is to enjoy our lives and, ideally, do that alongside someone who adds to our lives.

Speaker 1:

So ask yourself the question of why, especially if you feel like you're in a rush. Okay, when you go into your divorce, the person you go into your divorce as and the person you come out the other side of your divorce as those are not the same people and whenever I say that to people, it's a little bit unsettling because I don't have the answer for them about who they're going to become and how this is going to shake out and what life is going to look like three years from now. Right, your divorce may be complete, the paperwork may be complete in a year, but when you're on the other side of that divorce, it's probably two or three or four years later, and who you are down the road, we don't actually know who that woman is going to be, because you're not trying to get back to who you were. You're trying to take the lessons that you've learned through this experience and grow from that to create a whole new clean slate and give yourself that fresh start.

Speaker 1:

And sometimes, after a marriage ends, it's natural to experience a bit of an identity gap, because so many of us we were a wife and that was a big part of our identity were a wife and that was a big part of our identity. And now that we're not a wife, now we have to figure out who we really are and we think about ourselves in terms of who we were when we were in that relationship, who we were with them and in that role. And now we have to dream a new dream. Now we have to discover who we are, and so so much of getting your soul back is about discovering who you are and who you're becoming, and it's a really important piece of it. It's an exciting piece. It can also be a scary piece of the journey, but, man, is it one worth taking? Because even who you are today let's say that, like you just came through your divorce, you just signed the paperwork within the last six months You're still becoming like, yes, the paperwork is done, but that's just one little piece of this process.

Speaker 1:

Now it's about discovering who you are, what you want in the second phase of your life or third phase of your life, who you want to be, how you want to show up as, what your priorities are, what you really care about, what brings you alive. Because, my friends, what brings you alive in your 40s and 50s looks nothing like what brought you to life in your 20s and 30s, and it's supposed to be that way. And you've never been here before. So for me, right now, I'm 53. I've never been 54 before. I don't know what that's going to be like. Won't it be interesting to find out and to discover who I'm going to be as a 54-year-old woman and then a 55-year-old woman? So be open to that experience of rediscovering who you are Now.

Speaker 1:

Psychologist Dr Jordan Peterson has this concept called productive aggression, and that is turning your pain or sadness or anger. Instead of turning it inward, you transmute it into something new. So you're not just getting over your ex-spouse, you're rebuilding a new version of yourself, and that's going to look like a lot of new things taking place in your life. So how do you transmute sadness? New things taking place in your life. So how do you transmute sadness?

Speaker 1:

So, after my divorce, I had gone through a very hard breakup that broke my heart, and the way that I transmuted that sadness. It wasn't anger, it was sadness is I started writing. I was journaling to save my life. I don't even know how many journals I went through, but that was a way for me to process my feelings. So start writing. Redecorate a room, start lifting weights, take a course, learn something new, expand your education in some way. Start gardening when you've never put your hands in the dirt before. Maybe get a new job.

Speaker 1:

You know, there was a time post my divorce where I needed to remain in my current job because I was very much in a place of mourning and loss and grieving and that was the time and space for it. And I needed to keep my current job because I could do that job like with my eyes closed pretty much. But then there was a time when I was like I'm ready for something new and I'm ready for a promotion and I knew I wasn't going to get that at my current company. So I knew I was going to have to leave and I was okay with that. I was like it's time for me to go, looking for a new job, a new role, and I wanted, you know, a bigger role than what I had and you just have to remain open to that experience of what new wants to come in.

Speaker 1:

I want you to pick something about yourself, something that you know that is most authentically you, or something that you want to grow into someone you want to be. You want to be someone who's more generous. You want to be someone who's more compassionate? Great, start volunteering with a new organization that brings your soul alive. Maybe you want to be someone who's more powerful and feeling a little bit more confident in your life. Well then, maybe you seek a new employment opportunity right, or you take on a challenge that you've always wanted to do, like running a half marathon or something like that. So think about something that you want to step into and start living from that place now, or something that is really authentically and genuinely you, and double down on that so that you can really sort of own who you want to be and you do it really, really consciously, and say yes more often, because you're going to be presented with many, many, many new opportunities, and just try them out. You don't have to get married to anything or anyone. You can just try them out and then use the warmer colder game of if it feels warmer, lean into it, if it feels colder, pump the brakes.

Speaker 1:

Don't do it again, right? If you think, oh my gosh, joining an impromptu club, what's the? Joining an impromptu club, what's the? No, I'm not thinking of the name of it, but a comedy. Like, maybe I want to take up comedy and I'm going to do some standup comedy and you try it and you hate it. So what? Stop doing it, choose something else. One of my clients she took up acting. Someone else took up running. Someone else took up cycling.

Speaker 1:

You know, say yes to things that you've thought about or you've played with but never committed to, or just brand new things. Like maybe you've never picked up a paintbrush in your life and then your friend invites you to one of those wine sip and and paint parties and you go and you had a great time, wonderful. Take up painting. Like I had another good friend who she took up horse racing and I think she was close to 60 when she did that. Right, so you're never too old to just try something new. So say yes to a lot of new things and just try it out.

Speaker 1:

And then, lastly, the thing that I want to remind you of in terms of getting your soul back is that your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship that there is, because it will dictate and impact every other relationship that you have. It will derive what you think you deserve. It will dictate what you think is possible for you and what you're willing to overlook, allow or accommodate. What are you doing right now to nurture your relationship with yourself? Nurture your relationship with yourself? Right, because we invest in the relationships that are important to us, and I really want you to be consciously investing in your relationship with yourself, which means are you spending time alone? Are you taking yourself on dates or excursions? Are you doing things with just you? Are you your favorite person to hang out with? Because if you are not your favorite person to hang out with, why should anyone else want to hang out with you? Or do you feel lonely when you're alone? If you feel lonely when you're alone, it means you don't yet have a great relationship with yourself and it needs some love and time and attention. If you can't be by yourself, you will settle in your relationship a hundred percent of the time. Right? If I have to fill that gap, I will fill it with anyone, as opposed to someone who's really special and someone who's really deserving and someone who feels like home.

Speaker 1:

So consider a meditation practice. That's a beautiful way to spend time with yourself. Consider time in nature with yourself, a journaling practice, some daily practice, some daily regimen that you do that is just for you and with yourself. And when you do that first thing in the day, you're subconsciously telling yourself me first, then you, then the everybody's, then all my friends and my kids and my family and my work, then everybody else, but first me, first time for me, because my relationship with me, it's me and me. Till death. Do us part. There might be someone else in the future and I might choose to get married, but one thing is for sure you and you are till death. Do you part. I hope that's helpful for you. I want every single one of you, if you've come through a divorce, to really get your soul back and really step into who it is that you are and who it is that you're becoming, and I can't wait to see who that is. Until next time, take really good care.

Speaker 2:

If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a Truth and Clarity session with a member of my team. On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage. Go to clarityformymarriagecom to fill out an application now. That's clarityformymarriagecom.