The Loving Truth

Transforming a Marriage, One Step at a Time

• Sharon Pope • Episode 173

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This week, I want to share an experience from a couples’ weekend immersion I led.

Watching a marriage transform over just a few days reminded me why I do this work.

One person can absolutely create change in a relationship.

When you show up differently, your partner responds differently, and a new dynamic emerges. 

This couple came in scared, angry, and on the brink of divorce.

By the end of day one, they began seeing each other’s differences as strengths.

By day three, they had a connected, loving marriage and a plan to maintain it.

It’s amazing what happens when both people commit, use the tools consistently, and make an intentional investment in their relationship.

Struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you’re serious about finding that answer?

Book a Truth & Clarity Session with a member of my team. We’ll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there’s a fit for you and I to work together so you can make - and execute - the RIGHT decision for YOU and your marriage.

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the Loving Truth Podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host, relationship expert, and certified Master Life Coach, Sharon Pope. Hello, loves.

SPEAKER_02:

This is Sharon Pope, and this is The Loving Truth. Today is going to be a different kind of podcast. Because what I want to do is share with you an experience that I had over the weekend with a couple that I was coaching. So sometimes I do these weekend immersions with couples. And I wanted to do this while it was still fresh in my mind and because it was really moving and impactful for them and for me as well as a coach. As a coach, when you can see a couple transform inside of a matter of days, it's really exciting. And so it's hard not to be excited about that and want to share that. And so that's really what I want to be able to express to you today and why I'm sharing it. Also, many times people will ask me, can one person really create change in a marriage? So if if one person is working with you, Sharon, and their spouse is not, can change happen? And the answer I still believe is yes. Of course it can. Because I believe that we are just in our relationships reacting and responding to one another. And when one of you changes how you show up, the other one is going to respond differently. And when you show up consistently differently, your partner is going to notice that and respond differently in kind. And so that creates a new dynamic. When you start talking about the difficult things in the marriage that you've been avoiding or that you've been putting off, then you start to unearth what's really going on and the two different perspectives that you hold. And so I genuinely believe that one person can create change. Now, that being said, when this couple came to me, this was their last hope. If this didn't work, they were moving towards divorce. So that tells you the state of their marriage. When they showed up here in St. Pete, they were scared and angry and tired. And they were looking to me for hope. Fortunately, I had that. So let me walk you through this. So they show up, and they're in a really bad place in their marriage, and they have been for years. Now she had been following my work for about a decade, she said. And she had been in my membership program for several months, and so had her husband. So they had both been working on the relationship and wanting to make it better, but they weren't there. And so they show up, and on the first day, we are working through the hardest stuff. And I believe that has to happen on day one. You have to sort of get everything on the table. Because if someone else, if one of you is holding on to resentment that we're not going to talk about, well then it's not going to go away and it's going to fester almost like a cancer in your marriage. And so I want to get everything out on the table on that first day that we have to deal with. And so we did that. And by the end of that first day, they were able to start seeing one another very differently. So one is very logical and pragmatic, he's an engineer, and the other is an artist, and she's very creative and um sparkly, as we'll call it. And um and so they see and experience the world very differently. And before that, it always felt like they're so different, and that that is part of the problem. And so they were each trying to get each other to see and experience the marriage through each other's lens. And they have very different lenses. But by the end of day one, they were able to see how those differences were actually a real strength to their marriage. Because she brought sparkle to his life and he brought stability to hers. And you need both, right? You need joy and foundation, you need stability and sparkle, you need both. And they really started to see how, in fact, they're on the same team and they're working towards the same goal, which is a marriage that they both feel really good in. And so by the end of that first day, I felt really good about where they were at, and I felt really hopeful for them as a couple because they had made a ton of progress just on the first day. By the second day, by the end of the second day, it felt really solid and loving because now they were equipped with tools and they had made commitments about what tools they were going to incorporate and when and how. And so they had a strategy, they had a plan for how to apply and when to apply the tools that they had learned so that they could have difficult conversations because they're not going to see the world the same way, so they're going to disagree on some things. And so, how do you move through those points of disconnection and repair and come back to a place of connection? And they both felt really confident that they were going to be able to do that, and I did too. And so by the end of day two, it just felt like a miracle had happened in two days. And by the third day, and this is not an exaggeration, they had a completely different marriage. It was night and day. It was connected and loving, and they understood one another from a very different place. They felt safe to be vulnerable with one another. They felt more connected than she said that they had ever been. And it was just a miracle. And I was so touched to be able to be a part of it and to witness it. And so let's talk about why you can make so much progress in such a short period of time. Now, first of all, when you're both working on the marriage in the same way, in this immersive experience, there's a few things that happen to your advantage. First of all, we all walk in with our stories. He had a story, she had a story about why the marriage wasn't working, about what their partner's problem was. They had stories. You'll have stories. We all have them. But through this work, they were able to hold those stories a bit more lightly and start to let go of the stories and start to see an alternative perspective, which was some version of theirs and some version of their partners. And they started then to see one another differently. And that's when they began to see that they're on the same page, they're on the same team, and they're working towards the same goal. They both just want the marriage to feel good. They both want their needs met. And so we're not adversaries. We're on the same team. The other thing is that when you are both learning the same tools at the same time, you now have a similar set of tools to be able to work with, and you have a similar language. So when one of you is using one of the tools and you're using some of the language, the other knows what you're talking about and what you're referring to and frankly isn't threatened by that. Doesn't think you're trying to be all smarty pants on them. And the last thing is that you are working towards this common goal, which is just you want your marriage to feel really good. So those are the things that can happen when you're working together in this kind of immersive experience. But here's the other reasons why so much change can happen in such a short period of time and why this seems like it's unbelievable, but it's completely believable because I've watched it with my own eyes. So, first of all, I'm not going to discount my role in this experience. We all have zones of genius. This just happens to be mine. And I'm good at it and I love it. I just love it. So I'm not gonna say that's not a part of it. It is. The second thing, though, is that is about how this couple showed up. And one of the reasons they showed up, the way they did, ready to roll up their sleeves and do the hard thing and face the hard questions and answers, is because they made an uncomfortable investment. See, the way you show up when you make a really uncomfortable investment is very, very different than, for example, when you're spending a hundred bucks on a therapist every two weeks. When you're spending a hundred bucks, you're gonna play with it a little bit. You're gonna be a little bit more committed to your story. You're not gonna be committed to making the changes that you need to make, to hearing your partner, because there is no second chance, there is no plan B. Right? In therapy, there's like, oh, there's always another appointment, there's always another appointment. We can go on for years. But with this, they very much came into it with if this doesn't work, we're probably not going to remain married. And what a tragedy that would have been for this beautiful couple. So they showed up, and part of the reason they showed up is because they were willing to make an uncomfortable investment. And there was one time where the gentleman said to me, This is the best money we could have ever spent. The other reason is the fact that they flew here from another country, and their trip was not easy. They had like two stops to get to St. Petersburg, Florida, and it was a long, long day for them. But they traveled here, and there is something about getting away from your day-to-day experience. So, for instance, I used to say for these immersive weekends, I would come to you or you could come to me, whatever you want. I don't say that anymore. And this experience changed my mind, and they sort of changed my mind on this. Because they said, had I come to them, the experience would have been completely different. Because, let's say we would got, we would have gotten to the end of our day one, and they would have gone back into their routine of their daily lives. He would have gotten on his email, she would have gone back to her art studio, they would have had to figure out dinner for the family. And then those routines would have put them back in the mindset of how they've been, as opposed to how they're becoming as a couple, before the new version of their marriage could really take root. We needed a few days for that to feel solid. And if we were just back at their house, it wouldn't have felt solid before they just fell back into their old routines and probably took a few steps back that then we would have had to address the very next day. Because they came here, that didn't happen. It's sort of like you come here and you're in a bit of a bubble and you're at the beach. And so it's easy to sort of wind down and become present very quickly. It feels like a bit of a getaway for the two of you. And so that plays a role, the location plays the role in the experience as well. So I think those are some of the reasons why this particular couple and other couples have made massive progress in a really short period of time. And that's really what you're what you're paying for and what you're investing in is making real progress in a condensed time frame and not having to take a year or two to see if you can make the same level of progress. Now, neither approach is wrong, it's just a different approach. So I want to share just a few sentences of what the wife of this particular couple had sent to me at the end of our work together. I don't really know how to actually say thank you in a way that could truly express my gratitude. It was better than I could have possibly dreamed. I felt so seen and heard by you. And you provided what I needed to be able to feel truly seen and heard by my husband. I don't remember any time before that I felt this connected to him. You gave me back what I needed to move forward in this marriage. And you also gave me a way to see what I need for me and what has been holding me back. I'm over the moon, elated, and feel more positive about moving forward than I can ever recall. You are so gifted at this work, and I'm so grateful you shared it with us. And that really touched me. There was one other thing that touched me. So it was towards the end of our day three, and there was an activity that they were doing where they were in the house and I was out on the porch because they needed some privacy to be able to do this activity. And at one point the wife comes out and says, My husband wants to talk to you. And I said, Oh, okay. So I go in the house, and he says something like this to me. You know, I had heard enough of your work before we came here that I had respect for you and the work that you do. But through our time together, I've come to trust you. And I want you to tell me if I have any blind spots, any areas that I should be working on. Now, first of all, to earn a man's respect is one thing, but to earn his trust is a whole nother. And it really touched me. Like you couldn't those the two things that those people said that could not be a bigger compliment in my world, that he trusts and respects me. And she said she felt so seen by me. So we had a conversation about that, about blind spots, and then I asked him, is there anything that I can do differently? As I start to work with more men, I don't claim to know everything about the male experience. Is there anything that I could be doing differently to serve men better? And he thought about it for a minute and he said, No, I have felt completely um seen and validated through this experience just as much as my wife has. And that was reassuring for me because I want both people to feel that. I don't want them to feel like I'm taking sides. I'm on I'm on team marriage in those immersive weekends. And so I share all of that with you because maybe you are someone who would like to be able to have that same experience. And all this wife did is she sent an email to her husband. I guess we had sent a promotional email about the weekend, and she sent it to her husband and said, She said, I'd like to do this. What do you think? And he responded positively and said, I think it could be really cool. And we went from there. So you never know. Sometimes I think women think, oh, he'll never want to do that. But what if he does? What if he did? What if he wanted the marriage to feel really good? What if he felt like there's more that we can do, and he still believed in them as a couple? And so did she. So if that is something that interests you, of course, you can find out more details. I would invite you to just send an email to my operations manager and assistant, Madison. That's M A D I S O N at Sharonpope.com, and she'll be able to get you pointed in the right direction so that you can find out more information and see if this is something that you and your spouse would like to explore. All right. Until next time, please take really good care.

SPEAKER_01:

If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage, and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team. On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage. Go to ClarityformyMarriage.com to fill out an application now. That's ClarityformyMarriage.com.