The Loving Truth

The Truth About No-Fault Divorce

• Sharon Pope • Episode 177

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I’m breaking down what no-fault divorce is, why it’s more recent than most people realize, and why it isn’t the villain.

Laws don’t destroy marriages. People do.

What really ends marriages:

  • Neglect
  • Shutting down
  • Avoiding hard conversations
  • Blaming instead of owning our part
  • Getting defensive
  • Invalidating each other
  • Turning love into a transaction
  • Not listening
  • And finally, indifference.

A no-fault divorce gives you the freedom to choose your reasons, and the only person who has to make peace with those reasons is you.

If you’re even thinking about ending your marriage, set a Google alert for “no fault divorce” plus your state so you know if that freedom is at risk where you live.

Struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you’re serious about finding that answer?

Book a Truth & Clarity Session with a member of my team. We’ll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there’s a fit for you and I to work together so you can make - and execute - the RIGHT decision for YOU and your marriage.

SPEAKER_02:

Welcome to the Loving Truth Podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host, relationship expert, and certified Master Life Coach, Sharon Pope.

SPEAKER_01:

Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope, and this is The Loving Truth. Today we are going to talk about no fault divorce and what really destroys marriages. So it was in 1969 that California passed no fault divorce. They were the first state to pass it. And it took a full 41 years for all 50 states in the US, obviously, to pass no fault divorce. Shockingly, the last state to implement no-fault divorce was New York. And that was in 2010. Now I want you to think about that for a second, because that was only 15 years ago. So before no fault divorce, what it meant was that if you wanted to divorce, you had to prove that there was an affair, that there was abuse, or that there was abandonment. And abandonment meant one of you has left the marital home and doesn't have any intention of returning to the marital home, that there's been no financial or emotional support for some specified period of time, many times. That was about a year. And so those were the grounds upon which the state would allow you to get divorced. And so no fault divorce just basically said you don't have to place blame on anyone. No one has to be the villain, no one has to be at fault. You can choose to be in this marriage or not choose to be in this marriage. Now, when you think about trying to prove those things like abuse or affairs, you know, 40 years ago, that was not easy, right? Even 15 years ago. Like I remember, I think it was about 15 years ago that I first joined Facebook. And that was the first social media account I had. And I don't even know if I had an email account that wasn't work, like if I don't know if I had a personal email account until about 15 years ago. So if you think about it, proving those things 15 years ago, much less 40 years ago, was very difficult. Where today we have, you know, tracking devices on cars, we have text messages on our phone, we have DMs, we have WhatsApp, we have dating sites, and we have phone records to look at, we have emails, we have photos, and the Apple Family Share Plan, which has exposed many, many affairs. So there's more ways to prove those things today, and today we don't need to prove those things, at least for today. So now that a woman can leave a marriage or end a marriage for her own reasons, not the government's reasons, but her reasons, a lot of marriages are ending. And as you can imagine, men don't love that. And even though, by the way, men get the same benefit of no-fault divorce, that they can end a marriage if they for their own reasons as well. It's not just for women, it's for both men and women. But to be clear, research has shown that the two happiest groups of people are consistently single women and married men. So it's not married women. And that's why the stats around divorce are proving out. The rate of divorces for couples over 50 has nearly doubled in the last 25 years. And 66% of the time, it's the woman that is initiating the divorce. Now, a third of the time, it's the man initiating the divorce. But as you can imagine, because men don't like this, this is just now 25 years, the sea has changed, the tide has turned, and now it's women that are initiating divorce more so than men. And there are men in our government that want to end no-fault divorce because they say no-fault divorce is destroying marriage. But I am here to tell you that laws don't destroy marriages, people do. Neglect does. So let's talk about it. Let's talk about what really destroys marriages. When we stop investing in the relationship and we pour all of our love, time, attention, and energy into work or the kids or whatever else, of course the marriage is going to suffer. We can't turn our backs on anything and expect it to thrive. And so neglect is a big piece of what helps destroy marriages. When we shut down from our partner and we avoid having the difficult conversations so that we can keep the peace between us, we're gonna not talk about the hard things in order to keep things together. That's part of what destroys marriages. But likewise, when we are quick to blame our partners and really slow to look at ourselves and look at our role in the creation of this experience. Like it's their fault, that's the easy path, right? Looking at ourselves and going, how did I contribute to this? Even if it was overlooking or accommodating some really bad behavior, I played some role in all of this. And so, what's my part? And am I willing to take care of my side of the street? Most people are not readily doing that. If they were, we would not have the divorce rates that we do today. But that's the stuff that kills marriage. When it's just like, oh, it's his fault, or it's all her fault. If she would do something different, if he would be different, I would feel better about this marriage. And there's no self-accountability in there. And so, of course, then nothing gets solved, and that destroys marriages. When our partner brings something to us, like a concern or an upset, and we get defensive, or we say, you shouldn't feel the way you feel, or you misinterpreted that, and we just invalidate their experience, that's going to destroy a marriage. Because every single one of us just wants to be seen and heard and validated, of course, by the person who's supposed to love us the most and the most unconditionally. And that's not happening. When our relationships get to be transactional, where I'm only going to give you love if you give me love. I'm only going to meet your needs if you meet my needs. I'm only going to do for you if you will do for me in the future. Like if when our relationships become transactional, that's commerce. That's business. It has nothing to do with love. When we don't hear one another, right? I said that everyone wants to be seen and heard, understood by our partners. But most of the time, if we're really honest, we're so interested in being heard, but no one really wants to listen. And so you're both trying to be heard and you're both wanting to say a lot of things, but neither of you are listening to each other. Neither of you are really hearing what's being offered, and maybe even hearing what's not being said. We run away from instead of diving in and asking the hard questions about like what tell me why you feel that way. We run away from it. And we get defensive. And we invalidate their experience. And then eventually, sometimes we just get hateful with each other. Or worse, indifferent to one another. I have often said before that in in love, the opposite of hate, or the opposite of love isn't hate. The opposite of love is indifference. When we become indifferent, where I don't really care anymore, the dynamics of the relationship change and the problems in the marriage become a lot greater. So the thing I want to remind you of is that none of us were ever set up to be successful in marriage. So those are the things that destroy marriages. It's not some law. The law gives us freedom to be able to, we get to choose the reasons why this marriage no longer works for us. We get to choose why we think that the marriage can't work for us. And nobody else has to co-sign on that. Not even your spouse, much less the government. The only person who has to make peace with your reasons why is you. Because you're the one that has to live with those decisions. You're the one that has to look yourself in the mirror and go, yeah, that was the right decision for me. Right? So the last thing I will tell you, since we're talking about no fault divorce, is that if you are struggling in your marriage to the point where you're even considering potentially ending it, maybe if it doesn't matter if you're ready to end it right now, if you're even thinking about it, I want you to set up a Google alert for yourself in your state. And the Google alert is just, you know, for instance, no-fault divorce, New York, so that every time it gets talked about through the media, you're aware of it. And that way you can know if there is legislation being considered in your state to take away no-fault divorce, as there is today in the states of Texas and Oklahoma. There's legislation on the table to remove no-fault divorce. And so at least this way you have a heads up. It doesn't mean you can control it necessarily, but you have a heads up about whether or not that freedom that we have today in the U.S. will remain. All right. I hope that's helpful for you. I think the only person that has to understand and like their reasoning is you. Until next time, take really good care.

SPEAKER_00:

If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage, and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team. On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage. Go to ClarityformyMarriage.com to fill out an application now. That's Clarityformy Marriage.com.