Am I a Terrible Person?

I’m challenging the question, Am I a terrible person? 

I explain why that question keeps you stuck in shame and judgment.

I offer better questions: How is this serving me, and how is it not?

I walk through real examples, like not wanting to stop an affair and withholding love from a good man.

We look at the short-term hits and the real costs, including risk, stress, kids, family, and how avoiding vulnerability blocks connection.

I’m not here to judge. I’m here to help you make conscious choices that align with who you want to be.

Struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you’re serious about finding that answer?

Book a Truth & Clarity Session with a member of my team. We’ll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there’s a fit for you and I to work together so you can make - and execute - the RIGHT decision for YOU and your marriage.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Core Question
• 1:05 Why Judgment Blocks Clarity
• 2:04 Better Questions To Ask
• 2:24 Affair Example: Weighing Tradeoffs
• 4:20 Risks, Stress, And Fallout
• 6:10 Hidden Payoffs And Joy
• 6:23 Withholding Love From A Good Partner
• 8:05 How Withholding Serves And Hurts
• 9:43 Shame Prevents Healing
• 10:44 Closing And Next Steps

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:02

Welcome to the Loving Truth Podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host, relationship expert, and certified Master Life Coach, Sharon Pope.

SPEAKER_02: 0:17

Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope, and this is the Loving Truth. Do you have some story that you create about why you must be a terrible person? Like there's something either from your past that if people knew you'd think you are a terrible person, or there's something that you're doing or not doing right now that you think makes you a terrible person and you're judging yourself for that? Like, what's your version of, am I a terrible person because I can't seem to love a good, kind-hearted man? Am I a terrible person because I'm choosing to end my marriage? I even got asked, am I a terrible person because I don't want to stop seeing my affair partner? You see, that's not the right question. That question is all about judgment. It tells me you're judging yourself. It tells me you're afraid that other people are judging you or that they would judge you. If they're asking me directly, they're wondering if I'm judging them. But the answers that you're seeking when your marriage is struggling or you're not feeling good about yourself, they're not the answer is about judgment because judgment doesn't get you to clarity. Judgment doesn't help you feel good about your decisions. It might serve to keep you stuck because it's a form of control. But it's not going to help you take agency of your life. And so the answers that you're seeking, I think that's the wrong question to ask if you want to get to real clarity. I think better questions to ask are how is this serving me? And in what ways is it not serving me? See, the answers to those questions, that's what's going to help you make a more conscious decision about whatever is happening. So, for instance, let's take the example of the woman who asked me, Am I a terrible person because I don't want to stop seeing my affair partner? Right? That might seem like the easiest one because most people would be like, Yeah, she must be terrible. But when we started looking at, well, how is it serving you and how is it not serving you? And so she said that from the perspective of how does it serve me, she said it brings me joy. This relationship brings me joy, and right now my life doesn't have a lot of joy in it because she's been struggling in her marriage for a lot of years. And then we looked at, okay, how is it not serving you? And on that side of the equation, there were a lot of things. For instance, it's a big risk. If her affair is discovered and her husband finds out, her whole life blows up. And so does his. You know, that the possibility of this ending in any kind of a peaceful way sort of goes out the window. And if you two aren't going to, if you're going to end it and you're not going to do it peacefully, then the kids are going to be negatively impacted by that. They're going to feel the negative effects of that. That's part of the reason why most kids struggle, is because mom and dad can't handle themselves in an emotionally mature manner. It comes with a lot of stress, right? The thought or the stress of, oh my God, I could be found out. I could be caught at any moment. That carries with it a lot of stress. Also thinking about how hurt her husband would be if he found out. That carries a lot of stress. And there's a possibility of not just blowing up this relationship, but blowing up the relationship with family and with friends who won't understand and who won't be able to not judge you. But also, sometimes you ruin the relationship with your kids. Because once they're teenagers or adults, they start to have opinions about what mom and dad do. Have you noticed? And I've had many clients where sometimes when that is discovered and the kids find out that the kids have a hard time forgiving that particular parent. And that has long-term consequences, not just for you and your child, but for the whole family. So from that place, you can make some conscious choices that aren't wrapped up in, oh, but it gives me that dopamine hit. Like, no, there's a lot at stake here. And this isn't about right, wrong, good, bad, or being judged. This is about how does it serve me and how does it not serve me? And now what choices do I want to make for my life? Because I'm the only one that gets to live with the outcome of those choices. Or I'm the primary person that gets to live with the outcome of those choices. And, you know, you might think, well, how does it serve me? And you might say, it doesn't. Sometimes when I ask people like why they do something that's destructive to them, they're like, oh, it doesn't serve me at all. I promise you, there's at least one reason that it serves you. Because we only do things that serve us. So on some level, it's serving us. Like in the affair example, it could be, you know, she said, it brings me joy. But if we took it a layer deeper, it could also be it makes me feel alive. It makes me feel like I have something for myself. It makes me feel like life isn't as hopeless as I once thought it was. Right? So there are other ways that it might serve you. So let's take another example of why can't I love a good man? And to get there, we sort of have to first address the can't or won't, because it's not that you can't love a good man, it's that right now you won't love a good man or you won't love the good man who's standing in front of you asking to be loved. There's some reason. And so, how is it serving you to withhold your love? That's really the thing that we have to sort of understand. And so, how is it serving me to withhold my love? Well, I get to feel right. Like there's probably a bunch of reasons why you've been withholding love from this man. There's probably been some hurts in the relationship. There's been some things that have happened. And so you feel right and justified in withholding that love. And that keeps you in that comfortable place of being right and justified. And when you withhold your love, you validate your experience. Particularly if nobody else is validating your experience. Like if he's not saying, I'm sorry that I hurt you, he's just invalidating your experience, saying, Well, you shouldn't feel that way. Get over it. Like, of course you're going to feel invalidated. And so sometimes you hanging on to your hurts and resentments, and then withholding love is your form of punishment to your partner so that you can validate yourself. The other reason, the other thing that might be coming into play is that I'm going to withhold love because then I don't have to try. I don't have to do the hard work of trying again in this marriage. I don't have to do the scary work of opening my heart to this person and making myself vulnerable, letting them know that I care more than I do, letting them know that I'm scared, that we're so disconnected that I don't know if we can ever find our way back to one another. Like I don't have to do any of that hard work if I just withhold my love. And maybe if I withhold it long enough and in the right way, they'll get the hint and they'll course correct, knowing exactly what to do to make it better. And they'll somehow make it better. Like that's the thinking. So that's how it serves you to withhold love. But how doesn't it serve you to withhold love from a perfectly good man? Well, first of all, you're gonna feel like crap. Because hating always feels worse than loving. Judging someone always feels worse than accepting them. And so there's some version of your life experience that's not going to feel good. Even if it feels right and justified, it's not gonna feel good. The other way it's not serving you is that you know the relationship isn't going to get better. If you keep withholding love, the relationship can't get better because love isn't present. And you're not giving him the opportunity to meet your needs. So it's sort of guaranteed that your needs aren't going to get met. So it's not serving you to withhold love because now your needs aren't gonna get met, and probably his aren't either. So here's a thing to think about. Like, I just don't, I don't think shame is helpful. I know shame isn't helpful. It keeps you stuck, and judgment keeps you stuck. Healing can't happen where shame is present. Either my, you know, judgment of them or their own judgment of themselves. Healing can't happen when judgment is present. So I'm not here to judge anybody for anything. But what I am here to do is ask the right questions so that you can come to more conscious choices for yourself, so that you can feel more empowered to make choices that align with who you want to be and how you want to show up in your life. It's a pretty fabulous job, if you ask me. Until next time, take really good care.

SPEAKER_01: 10:44

If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage, and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team. On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage. Go to ClarityformyMarriage.com to fill out an application now. That's ClarityformyMarriage.com.