The Loving Truth

Doing What Works in Marriage

• Sharon Pope • Episode 180

Share episode

In this episode, I share a client story where her husband secretly put a tracker on her car, and how tempting it was to tell him off or file a restraining order.

We walked through what those reactions would actually accomplish. Not much.

They don’t change the past and they can harm co-parenting and her peace.

She chose a different path. She chose to protect her peace and stay steady toward a peaceful divorce.

“If telling someone off worked, I’d tell you to do it.” It doesn’t.

So I give you three steps that do work: get clear on your goal, decide how you want to feel, and choose the strategy that gets you there.

Struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you’re serious about finding that answer?

Book a Truth & Clarity Session with a member of my team. We’ll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there’s a fit for you and I to work together so you can make - and execute - the RIGHT decision for YOU and your marriage.

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the Loving Truth Podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host, relationship expert, and certified Master Life Coach, Sharon Pope.

SPEAKER_02:

Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope, and this is The Loving Truth. Today I want to talk to you about doing what works. So there's a concept that I just think of as interpersonal effectiveness. And I'll define it as doing what works rather than what feels good to your ego in the moment. So let me explain something to you. I'll explain it to you through a story. So I had a particular client who was in my program who, unbeknownst to her, her husband had put a tracking device on her car. And that's because as soon as she said that she wanted to separate, he immediately thought there must be someone else. Like it couldn't possibly be because he had been an unreliable and completely out-of-control husband for the last 10 years. Couldn't possibly have anything to do with that. But he tracked her car until the battery on the device died. And he realized like she's always been where she said she was, and there wasn't any cheating going on or anything like that. But the battery died. So anyway, fast forward nine months later, and they're at the attorney's office to sign the separation papers. And they walk out to the parking lot, and their cars are parked next to each other. And they're essentially just saying goodbye or whatever. And he says, wait a minute, there's something I've got to do. And mind you, he's in a suit and tie. And he gets down on the pavement and he gets under her car and he pulls the tracking device off the car and says, Yeah, I put this on your car. Because I assumed when you said that we were separating, that you were cheating on me, and I learned you weren't. So I thought I'd get it off your car. And she just stood there stunned. She didn't know what to say. Like, you know, her privacy had been taken advantage of for the last nine months, and she had no idea. And so they got in their cars and they went home. And she shared this story with a few of her friends. And friends being the friends that they are, you know, they had lots of ideas and opinions about what she should do. And one said, Well, you should get a restraining order, because that's illegal, because in their state, it is actually illegal to put a tracking device on someone's car when they don't know about it. Um, you should get a restraining order. But she was like, Well, that doesn't feel right because I don't feel scared of him. And um, and someone else said, Well, why didn't you tell him off? So, anyway, she brought this to me with just sort of like, how should I feel about this? And how should I have handled it or how should I handle it now? And so we just dove in and explored it. And so the first place we went to was this like, okay, what would telling him off accomplish? That's what your one friend said. Why didn't you tell him off? Tell him where to go and how to get there. You know, our ego loves to do that stuff. But in our righteous anger and indignation, like we feel a little high and mighty in that moment by telling them off. But now we've done some damage to the relationship. So there's a bit of a hangover. It's sort of like getting a high and then feeling hung over for two days afterwards. Because there's some damage there that wasn't there before. So telling them off doesn't change any of the circumstances, and it does do damage moving forward. And they have children together. And so that's not for nothing, right? Like that has consequences when there's angst between mom and dad. And then, you know, one of her other friends said, you should get a restraining order. But what would a restraining order accomplish? So he wouldn't be legally allowed to come near her. I mean, okay, but she's not scared of him physically hurting her. And I guess he wouldn't legally be able to put another tracking device on her car, except it wasn't legal in the first place and he did it. And now, since he got down on the ground and pulled the tracking device off of her car right in front of her, I don't think he has any desire to be tracking her in the future. I think he got the answers that he was looking for. So that's not going to solve anything. So none of these things are going to change the circumstances of what happened, right? The circumstances are what they are. Husband put a tracking device on his wife's car and she didn't know about it. It was because he was scared that she was cheating or wanted to know if she was cheating, so that then he wouldn't have to look at himself and his own choices and actions that brought them to this place. He would just be able to blame someone else and make her out to be the bad guy and him to be the victim and her to be the villain. Like a whole storyline there. None of that changes anything. You can't change any of that. But you do get to choose how you want to feel about this. And so she gets to choose how she wants to feel. And whatever your situation is, like whatever your tracking device is in your life, there's something in your relationship that sort of stunned you or upset you, or um you're not sure how to feel about it. You get to choose how do you want to feel about it. And you could feel a bunch of different ways, right? You could feel upset, you could feel angry, you could feel irritated, you can feel scared, you could feel indifferent. You might even feel, stay with me here, you might even feel a bit of compassion for him. Because you can really see how his fears and insecurities were playing out there. And he didn't get the answers that he thought he was going to get. And so she gets to choose how she wants to feel. And that's what we explored. And she very consciously made the choice that she wanted to protect her peace. That's what she chose to do. And so she didn't make it a big deal. She she didn't turn it into a big thing. She became indifferent to it. And in order to feel indifferent about it, you have to think the thoughts that get that get you there, right? And that's not to say she liked it. She didn't like that he put a tracking device on her car. But she was not going to use this as an excuse to undo all the work, frankly, that she had done for the last nine months to get them to a place of where they were separating in a fairly peaceful way. Like there have been some bumps in her road, for sure, where he's not made it particularly easy. But she has stayed very steady through that process. And because she has stayed steady, it hasn't gotten too far out of whack. And so she's not going to use this as an excuse to undo everything that she all the hard work that she's done for the last nine months to make this peaceful. Not now. They've just signed the separation papers. And in a few months, call it six to twelve months from now, they'll sign divorce papers. And then they will still be in each other's lives forever because they have children together. And so it's important to do that really well. Look, if telling someone off worked, I would tell you to do it for sure. But too often, the tools that we reach for in the moment are the tools that don't work very well. We reach for things like telling someone off or criticizing them or yelling at them or getting them back because they hurt you or they did something to you. You're gonna do something to them. If any of those things actually worked, we would tell you to do it. But it doesn't work. So why do we keep reaching for the shit that doesn't work? We've got to start reaching for tools that will actually work. And my friends, I know most of you are like, Sharon, I went in the toolbox, and that's the only thing that's there. I do the stuff my parents did. I do what I see other people do. This is all that's in there. And I get it. Just because you haven't been equipped doesn't mean you can't fill up that toolbox with better tools that will get you closer to the outcome that you actually want. So if telling someone off worked, I tell you to do it, right? And if criticizing your husband got him to change, women would have been changing men for the last hundred years. It doesn't work. And if yelling helped you to be heard and understood better, then all those couples who argue all the time and yell at each other would have a great relationship. That's not how it works. So we've got to start reaching for tools that actually work. Now she's not being gentle with her partner for his benefit. She's not trying to accommodate him. She's doing it because it gets her closer to the outcome that she ultimately wants, which is she wants to have a divorce and she wants to do it as peacefully as possible. And her peace is also important to her. There are many times she could have really lost her way, lost her mind, lost her shit in the midst of all this, and she didn't. And so now she's actively, consciously choosing to protect her peace. So if you want to be more effective in terms of doing what works, there's three things that you've got to know. The first thing is you've got to get clear about what it is that I'm trying to accomplish here. What is the ultimate goal that I'm reaching towards or that I'm aiming for? You've got to know that first. The second thing is you've got to understand how is it that I want to feel about the circumstances that are going on here? And you can just ask yourself that question: how is it that I want to feel? And then the third thing that you've got to be able to do is then reach for what is the strategy, the tools, the approach that I'm going to use that's going to get me closest to the objective that I'm aiming for. When you have those three things, you can approach things from a very logical, pragmatic perspective and not get twisted up in all the things that your ego or that your friends and their egos said that they would do, or that that's the right thing to do. Look, if you wing it, you just let your ego be in charge, or you let your fight or flight response be in charge, things can go south very, very quickly. And sometimes what we end up doing is creating more problems on top of the challenging situation that we already have. I've never known any coach or therapist for that matter that ever said, you should yell more, you should criticize more, tell more people off. And there's probably a reason for that. It doesn't work. All right, I hope that that is helpful to you. Until next time, please take really good care.

SPEAKER_01:

If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage, and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team. On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage. Go to ClarityformyMarriage.com to fill out an application now. That's Clarityformy Marriage.com.