The Loving Truth

Us, Unfiltered part 1: When Success Isn’t Enough

• Sharon Pope

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In this first episode of Us, Unfiltered: Behind the Beautiful Life, I speak to high-achieving couples who appear successful on the outside yet feel disconnected at home.

Life is full, you’re doing everything “right,” but the closeness you want has faded behind the busyness.

Achievement builds strong skills, but connection requires different ones. And the habits that help you excel — control, efficiency, staying in motion — can quietly block intimacy.

I name the early warning signs: staying late at work to avoid the tension, talking only about schedules, and avoiding conversations about how you really feel.

Nothing is wrong with you. You simply haven’t learned the skills that create true closeness.

It doesn’t take hours. It takes intention. Ten to twenty minutes of real presence can shift everything.

My invitation: put distractions aside, sit together, and ask, “How’s your heart?” or “How are you really doing?” Then listen.

In the next episode, we’ll look at how avoidance creates distance and how silence slowly replaces intimacy.

If you’re serious about healing the disconnect in your marriage, there is a path forward.

Apply for a Private Couples Weekend. We’ll talk about what’s happening between you, what you want to rebuild, and whether this private, two-day experience is the right container to help you create lasting change—together. 

Struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you’re serious about finding that answer?

Book a Truth & Clarity Session with a member of my team. We’ll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there’s a fit for you and I to work together so you can make - and execute - the RIGHT decision for YOU and your marriage.

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the Loving Truth podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host, relationship expert, and certified Master Life coach, Sharon Pope.

SPEAKER_01:

Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope, and this is a special edition of The Loving Truth. It is the first in a five-part series for high-achieving couples that is called Us Unfiltered, Behind the Beautiful Life. And this is for couples who seem to have everything except the closeness that they really want in their marriage. And so I bet your life looks pretty good from the outside looking in. And, you know, you drive a nice car, you take nice vacations, and you know, you have your kids are thriving, you have family and friends, and you have a social life. And so anyone looking at your life might say, you know what, they've got it all together. They've done all the things right. The problem is that then behind those closed doors, you're not fighting, but you're not connecting either. And so it just feels very distant. And you know that something is missing, and you may or may not be able to put your finger on exactly what that is. And you know, you have so much, but yet you feel very alone. So I think it's easy for people to assume that when you have success in your professional life, that you're going to be happy and feel successful in your personal life as well. And in my experience, that's not the case. Because sometimes all of that success or the work that it takes to create that success can actually hide the disconnection or can hinder disconnection. And that's because you're running really hard and fast towards your goals. You have a lot that you want to achieve and a lot that you want to accomplish. And it sounds like a perfectly logical, reasonable thing on why I'm not investing in my marriage in a really intentional way because I'm just so busy. Right? How many of us just talk about how busy we are all the time? I know your days are full, right? They're full of running a business or leading a team, raising kids, managing a household. And when you are that busy, there's just very little time left for us. And I don't know why this is. I wish that it was different, that we didn't put our marriage as last on the list. It's sort of like, you know, we give our best to work or our profession, whatever that is, our businesses. And then we give our best to our children. And, you know, then our family and friends need us for various things, right? There's a million things that we have responsibility for in our lives. And it seems like the last thing on the list is either ourselves and or our marriage. And so many times those are the things that suffer the most. You know, and I often think about marriage is the foundation of your family. So if you start, you know, buying properties or um, you know, having more kids or starting a business or anything like that, you're building on top of the foundation of your family. And if that foundation isn't solid, it's essentially adding a second floor or a third floor to a home that has a really shaky foundation. And so, I mean, I'm a relationship coach, right? So I think that we should be prioritizing our marriages very, very differently. Like it need, I'm not saying it needs to be the number one thing in our lives because I'm not delusional enough to think that anyone's going to actually do that. But we've got to start showing up for it a little bit more than what we've been doing. And, you know, when you get in this place of just busy, busy, busy all the time, it's really easy to see how you get into a life of where you're functional, right? You're doing all the things, but you're doing the things that need to be done separately. You know, your spouse is doing a bunch of things and you're doing a bunch of things, but you're not doing them together because we divide and conquer, that's what's efficient. But it starts to make you feel less and less like a team, or that we're working towards the same goals. And then we tell ourselves, like, you know, we're fine. This is just a phase, we're just so busy. It'll change. Once things slow down, then this will be different. But I mean, think about it. When is your life really going to slow down? Like, seriously. Is your life slower today than it was a year ago? Or has it sped up? Is there more? How about five years ago? Ten years ago. Right? I already know the answer. Because I live in the same world you do. And all you have to do is look around you and see how everything is speeding up. And the rate of change that is happening around us feels like if you don't try to keep up, you're going to then fall behind. And so, in many different ways, we're running really hard and really fast. But then what we do is we sort of normalize this place that we're in. If we're in a disconnected place in our marriage, we normalize that, like, well, this is just how it is. And then we lie to ourselves, saying, well, you know, it's just because we're busy, and once things slow down, it'll be different. But then we intellectually know that things are not going to slow down anytime soon. And so we normalize this season of disconnection and we think, well, I guess this is just how it is, or this is just how it's going to be. So I want you to just pause for a second and really answer this question for yourself. If you're really, really honest with yourself, when is the last time that you connected with your spouse? I'm talking emotionally, physically, even spiritually. When is the last time that you felt really seen, heard, or understood by your spouse? The last time that you physically were intimate with one another, did you both enjoy it? And did you both feel more connected afterwards? Or did it feel a bit like you were checking the box and doing what you should do versus something that you wanted to do? When is the last time you felt like you really understood your partner? Or you understood what drives them, what they worry about, and even what they dream of in their life. So sometimes achievement in our professional lives can sort of crowd out intimacy in our personal lives. Because success can change the rhythm of a marriage, because things sort of speed up. That ambition that we have, and then we set goals and we reach those goals, that can be exciting and it can be inspiring. And so that's where we sort of turn our attention to because that's where there's a lot of momentum happening. But it can create an imbalance in terms of the emotional investment that we need to have in our marriage for our marriage to be thriving. And I'll tell you, sometimes one partner is more driven or determined than the other partner. And that can leave the other partner feeling neglected or abandoned or left behind or unimportant to their partner. And if you think about it, sometimes in those scenarios, even when you are with your partner physically, like you could be sitting right beside them, but you're not really there because mentally and emotionally you're not there. You're thinking about work, or you're in your phone and you're returning an email, or setting up a meeting, or whatever, right? So we're distracted to the point where even when we're with our partners, we're not really mentally fully present with them. You know, and one of the analogies that I use that you've probably heard before, it's not like it's rocket science, but every single thing on the planet, it needs some attention in order to thrive. And so, you know, you can't buy a houseplant, stick it in a dark corner, and never water it and expect that houseplant to thrive. We all get that. You know, you never bring a child into the world and then think, well, my job is done. You know, you would you would want to, you know, give them lessons and spend time with them and give them structure and give them emotional support and love and all of that. Like that, those are the things that are going to help a child to thrive. You would never turn your back to it and think to the child and think, oh yeah, he or she is definitely gonna thrive in this thing called life without any attention on my part. Like we would never do that. But for some reason, we think that that is the winning strategy as it relates to our marriages, is that I can pour all of my love, time, attention, and energy into all the other things that are really important to me. And this thing over here, this marriage, is just going to survive. No, not even survive, it's going to thrive all on its own. You know that doesn't make any sense. But we never really stopped to question it because we were never taught how to do that. We were taught that if you want to be successful in life, you need to work really hard. And we understood what that meant. But we didn't then apply that to every area of our lives. So this isn't about blame. I want to make sure that you know that. This is about just awareness. Because, first of all, blame gets you nowhere, and it doesn't position the two of you as being on the same team. And you are. You both are working towards the exact same thing, which is to have a successful life, which includes a healthy, loving, connected marriage. But again, we just forgot or were never equipped in terms of how to create that in a marriage. We know how to create that in other areas of our lives, whether it's raising kids or building a business or managing a career. Those things we know how to do by now. But we never really got the tools and training that we needed to be successful in terms of our relationship. And I think that just being aware that, huh, there's a reason that I've that I've not been successful and that this is something that I could learn, that it is available to me, that right there already gets you 50% of the way to your solution. And the reason I say that is because you cannot change anything that you're unaware of or that you are unwilling to see. And so if you're struggling in your marriage and you're able to see that, yeah, I'm struggling and that there's a path through this, and I'm aware of this, of even how we got here, that maybe I haven't invested in the marriage in the way that I needed to over the years, you're already 50% of the way to the solution because now you're at least aware of what's going on. And I also want you to know that your accomplishments and your independence and your resilience and your passion and your drive, all of those things are really amazing. They are assets for you. But they are also the things that sometimes can pull you away from creating connection in your most intimate relationship. Because these are, they might be two sides of the same coin. They're two different parts of you, but you've cultivated a real skill around one area of your life. You've built a muscle in that area where you've not built the muscle up in the area of connection. So for many, many high-achieving couples, it becomes a lot easier to do things as opposed to be together. We do things separately as opposed to just be together. Because many times, even when we're together, we got to be doing the things, don't we? We need a third thing. We need a project, we need to be talking about the kids, we need to have the kids with us. You know, God forbid that just the two of us spend time together without the children, just investing in our relationship. You know, you might know how to solve problems or make decisions or lead a team of people who are paid to follow your lead. But intimacy requires something very different, right? Intimacy requires our presence. And that is something that is hard to find these days. It requires us to slow down and get curious about our partner again. It requires us to ask questions and to be brave enough to look at how we are doing as a couple in this relationship? And where could we be doing this better? See, most of us avoid those questions because they feel really uncomfortable. And it also requires us to put down our armor. The very thing, you know, that stoic in control response, that posture that we take in business that serves us really well there is going to be the very thing that keeps us from real intimacy and connection inside of our marriage. And for many people, that is the hardest shift to make. Because if you think about it, success rewards control. But what's required in our intimate relationships is vulnerability and openness, even surrender. I was listening to a podcast and they were saying, you know, the person interviewing, the other person, they said, Who are you going to be in five years? And they said, I'm a badass. And he said, Well, what does that look like? And the person said, I'm completely in control of my environment. So that was her version of being a badass was I'm completely in control so that I can create what I want. Like I get why we think that way. But that's the type of mentality that will that will help propel you professionally for sure, and may even help you make a lot of money, create real wealth for yourself. But it's the very thing that can really get in the way in your intimate relationship. Because control can't have a place in your intimate relationship. You have a whole nother human being sitting there next to you that wants to feel powerful in their own lives. And when there's control, it creates hierarchy that is that doesn't help the relationship. So you can't get to a place of real intimacy in your marriage without walking through the land of vulnerability. And look, it doesn't feel comfortable for any of us. We love to just remain in our ego, remain in this strong, solid place where we're in control of everything. Like that's what makes us feel safe. It's what makes us feel powerful in our lives. But our marriage requires a softening. It requires some softer edges than some of the harsher edges that we can bring to other areas of our lives. So I want to give you a few things to think about. First of all, here are some signs that will tell you that your marriage is in a place of trouble, of where you need to start paying attention to it. Okay. The first is if you feel way more comfortable in your professional life than you do in your personal life, maybe even to the point where you're of you're favoring your professional life over your personal life. I will hear couples that I work with where one will say they purposely stay at work longer because they dread coming home. If that's happening, this is a red flag. This is a warning sign that if you don't pay attention, there's no guarantee that this marriage is going to last. So right now you're on what I call the rumble strip, right? You know, those grooves along the side of the road that are meant to wake you up if you fall asleep or you get distracted while you're driving. They sort of wake you up and they so that you'll get back in your lane. Right now, in your marriage, metaphorically speaking, you are on the rumble strip. If you're avoiding coming home at night, and I get it, like you're winning over here in work and in business. And so that feels good. But it right now, home doesn't feel good. And my marriage doesn't feel good. So I'm avoiding it, you're in a danger zone. You're on that rumble strip. If your conversations are all logistical, right? It's like what's happening at home, like around managing the home or managing the kids' schedules. If that's all the two of you talk about, and there's no other point of connection between the two of you, then that can be a real challenge. And it's something that you got to pay attention to now because it's not going to magically get better. Uh, it was probably 15, it was more than 15, less than 20 years ago, that I read an article and it was entitled something like The Perfectly Fine Marriage. And what it described was a marriage of low intensity, but also low connection. So there wasn't a lot of arguing or fighting and upsets. It was just sort of numb and disconnected and moving through the motions. And so that's a warning flag. And then the last one I would say is if you avoid talking about how you feel, you just suppress it because it's easier to not have that conversation. That conversation feels uncomfortable. So I'm just not going to have it. So if any of this sounds familiar, I want you to know like nothing has gone wrong necessarily, or that you're not any different. I guess I should say it this way, that you're not vastly different from a lot of other high-achieving couples out there. There's nothing wrong with you. You've just built muscles around achievement, but not connection. And you can build new ones, right? If you think about it, what made you great at what you do for a living, whatever that is, even if if that is raising children, or that is you're an accountant, or you are an entrepreneur, or you're a professional golfer, it doesn't matter what you are, you had some very important things that helped make you great at that. Tools, training. You also had consistency in terms of practicing and reps. And you also had a focused attention on it. You focused your attention there, and that helped you get better. And then you put in the reps, you did the work, right? So you got trained, you got equipped with tools, you had your focused attention on it, and then you put in the reps, and that's what created your success. And so I want you to know that getting good at relationships, it takes a similar path, but it's not going to take, oh, I need, you know, four to eight years of college, and then I need 30 years of experience. It doesn't take that. But it is going to require a little bit. Right? It's going to ask something of us. And it's learnable. So I want you to start thinking about success and building a successful life beyond just what is my title, what is my role, and how much money do I make, or what things do I have. I'm not suggesting that those things are not valuable or unimportant. But what I'm suggesting is that there's more to the story, that a successful life is a broader umbrella than just your professional life, that you start to feel as successful in your personal life as you both do professionally. So we can start to think about success a little bit differently. It's not just about what you achieve, it's about how deeply you connect with the people that you love and care about in your life. And true success in marriage is waking up alongside someone who truly knows you, loves you, and accepts you, and chooses you day after day after day. And that doesn't just magically happen, right? That actively choosing and being chosen is a choice that we both make. And so every time you slow down to really listen to your partner, and every time you let your partner in instead of shutting them down or giving them short one-word answers, every time you're brave enough to ask, what could we be doing better? Or every time you choose presence over performance, that is adding to your wealth. That is adding to a successful life because you're creating emotional intimacy. And so it's not going to take 12 to 14 hours a day to create that, but it is going to take 10 to 20 minutes a day. And if you could create that in 10 to 20 minutes a day, why wouldn't you? So here is my invitation for you this week that you set aside 10 minutes. Just 10 minutes every day. Or at least once this week. All right, maybe we start with baby steps. How about instead of every day this week? How about we start with once this week? How about tonight? You sit down with your partner, you turn the TV off, and you put your phone aside or away. And you look them in the eye. You stay present with them. And if you are speaking to a woman, then you can say, How's your heart, honey?

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Right?

SPEAKER_01:

If you're speaking to a man, you can say, How are you doing? How are you really doing? We haven't talked in a while. I want to know what's going on for you. That's all you have to say. Sometimes those connection points, those little points of connection, come through the simplest of phrases. And so use one of those phrases. And then when you do, stay really present. This isn't about fixing anything. It's not about rushing it. It's not, it's not judging it. It's certainly not making it about you. You just listen to your partner. You let them empty themselves. You let them share with you what's going on in their lives and how they really are doing. And it might feel odd the first time to say, How's your heart? Because it's language that you've not used and it's language that they've not heard. But the more you use it, your partner will come to recognize that language as, oh, they're connecting with me. This is their time to invest in us as a couple. And I promise you, eventually they'll appreciate that effort. So if this episode resonated, then I want you to stay with me for the next part of Us Unfiltered, where we're going to talk about the cost of avoidance and how silence slowly replaces intimacy and how you can find your way back to one another. Until then, please take really good care. Love, if your marriage looks fine on the outside but feels disconnected on the inside, you're not alone. So many accomplished couples reach a point where conversations turn tense, intimacy fades, and you start wondering, can we find our way back? Or are we avoiding the truth? I host a private luxury couples retreat for relationships at a crossroads. No groups, no exposure, just the two of you and a master coach helping you see the real issues, repair what's broken, and get absolute clarity about your future together. If this speaks to you, explore the details and request a confidential consultation at couplesweekendretreat.com.