The Loving Truth

Us, Unfiltered part 2: The Cost of Avoidance

• Sharon Pope

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In part two of Us, Unfiltered, I talk about what silence really costs inside a marriage.

Avoiding hard conversations feels easier in the moment, but over time it erodes your voice, your connection, and the safety between you.

The space between you fills with assumptions, resentments, and quiet loneliness.

Avoidance hides in busyness, sarcasm, over-functioning, or shutting down—and underneath all of it is fear. Fear of conflict, fear of being misunderstood, fear of what honesty might change.

I walk you through simple, doable ways to re-engage: choose calmer moments, speak from your own experience, lead with empathy, take one issue at a time.

I share scripts like “I miss us” and “Are you open to talking about this?” so you know exactly how to begin.

Because you can’t heal what you won’t face.

Reflection: What’s one truth you’ve been avoiding—and what might open up if you spoke it?

If you’re serious about healing the disconnect in your marriage, there is a path forward.

Apply for a Private Couples Weekend. We’ll talk about what’s happening between you, what you want to rebuild, and whether this private, two-day experience is the right container to help you create lasting change—together. 

Struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you’re serious about finding that answer?

Book a Truth & Clarity Session with a member of my team. We’ll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there’s a fit for you and I to work together so you can make - and execute - the RIGHT decision for YOU and your marriage.

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the Loving Truth Podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host, relationship expert, and certified Master Life coach, Sharon Pope.

SPEAKER_01:

Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope, and this is The Loving Truth. This is the second in our five-part Couples series called Us Unfiltered, Behind the Beautiful Life. And today we're going to be talking about the cost of avoidance and when silence becomes the language inside your marriage. So if you are someone who avoids having difficult conversations, or you avoid expressing how you're feeling, or maybe you just shut down to your feelings, pretend that you don't have any feelings, then this is going to be helpful for you. So maybe in your marriage, you tell yourself, you know what, I'm not going to bring it up because it's just not worth the fight. The problem is that then you lose your voice in your marriage. And this happens slowly over time. It doesn't happen just after one occasion, but the more you sort of put off having those difficult conversations because it feels easier not to, you lose your voice. And then you start to resent your partner. I've heard women say, he makes me so small, or he makes me feel so insignificant, or something like that. And that's never totally true. It's I've chosen to not express myself. And then I lose my voice and I become smaller in my marriage. And then I blame him for that challenge. When it all comes back to I'm uncomfortable having uncomfortable conversations. And it becomes easier not to. Another thing is you might stay quiet because you're afraid that you're going to make things worse. Like you say something like, Well, he's always so stressed, so I just don't want to make it worse. Like things are already not great. And so we put off having those conversations. And look, we're trying to just keep the peace. But the problem is that it doesn't feel peaceful. Because when you suppress what it is in you that needs to be expressed, you sort of create a war within yourself. And so there's no peace inside of you, emotionally speaking, because it's sort of like trying to hold a beach ball under water. That there's something that wants to come up that wants to get expressed, but you're spending all of your effort and energy suppressing it and keeping it down. And so, you know, you're trying to keep the peace in the relationship, but you're sacrificing yourself in the process. And so I want to ask you, when is the last time that you and your partner really talked? And I'm not talking about the kids, like or logistics or whatever. I'm talking about when have the two of you, when was the last time the two of you really connected with one another? Right? Think about when that was and where you were. Even if you have to go back 10 years, right? Figure out how long ago that was. So, first of all, I want you to know that avoidance is one of the most common things that I see in struggling marriages. So you are not alone. Avoidance is so common because, especially, let me just say it like this, especially among couples who have built a lot together. And I think the reason why avoidance becomes the go-to is because we have more to risk then, right? If we have built so much together, it's it's why a couple who's been married for 30 years versus a couple that's been married three years, you're gonna have very different perspectives and a very different timeline associated with coming to a stay or go decision in that marriage, right? When you are just much more invested, you have a lot more at stake, which also means you have a lot more to lose. And so you're gonna take it much more seriously. And maybe you've learned how to run a household and raise kids and manage your careers or maybe even businesses. Like you've mastered the logistics in your life at this point. But what about emotional truth? What about connection, closeness, honesty, vulnerability, understanding and expressing your emotions in a productive way. Those things are much harder. Right? And so we tell ourselves, now's just not the time. It's not the right time. We just let's just keep it moving, right? We're so busy, let's just keep it moving. It's easier to do that. Or we say they wouldn't understand. Or it's, you know, it's just not that big of a deal, right? We we s we minimize things so that we don't have to face our fears to get uncomfortable and have that difficult conversation. And in the moment that we avoid that difficult conversation, doesn't it feel like relief? Isn't there a little bit of a like you can exhale when you don't have that conversation? But here's what I want you to know when we avoid doing the thing that we know we need to do, we trade short-term comfort for long-term dysfunction. Right? And so every time we avoid having those difficult conversations, and then over time, long-term, we feel disconnected from our partner, we feel misunderstood, we feel like we don't have anything in common. All of those things, though, that's the long-term consequence of all the short-term times that we just avoided it because it was easier in the moment to avoid it. And then that relief that we feel for a moment turns into distance over time. And it happens so subtly that we almost just don't even notice it. See, avoidance gets used as a form of protection. It's a way that we shield ourselves from the discomfort. It's easier to avoid, but then we push out the intimacy that we really crave. Human beings to varying degrees crave three things. We avoid pain or discomfort. If anyone had to choose between comfort and discomfort, almost 100% of the time we're going to choose comfort. And then we seek pleasure. We want those dopamine hits, we want to feel good. There's a part of us that thinks that we should feel good all the time. And the third thing is that we want to conserve energy. And so we want to do as little as possible to still get the result. And so I don't know why we have this feeling like, let me just put in the least amount of effort and work into this, but expect these great outcomes. But for sure that's what we do inside of our marriages. We don't do it in other areas of our lives. Like the really the important, I have air quotes going on, areas of our lives, like work. We know if we want to be successful at work, we're gonna have to work really hard at that, right? And hard work sounds different to everybody, looks different for everybody. You know, if you ask people, do you work hard? You know, probably 95% of people are gonna say yes. But it looks very different. Sometimes it's physically hard, sometimes it's mentally hard, sometimes it's emotionally hard work. But we don't think that way that like I can put in the bare minimum effort and I will still thrive. Right? I could even just not show up. I could just not show up for work every day, and I am going to thrive in my profession. Like we understand that that is not the case. We also understand it with our kids. We don't expect that we should just have to put in the minimum and our kids are going to magically thrive. But for some reason, we think that this is the winning strategy when it comes to our relationships. So let's talk about the hidden price of silence. When couples stop talking about what's real, the space between them gets filled, right? Our brains don't like not having answers. Or maybe you've heard the phrase the universe abhors a vacuum. And so it gets filled. And what it gets filled with is assumptions that we create in our minds. And then those assumptions lead to resentments towards our partner. And those resentments lead to disconnection that creates a real sense of loneliness inside of a marriage. And so we stop asking questions and we stop being curious about our partners. And then we we lose touch with one another. And then we normalize that and say, well, this is just how it is after 20 years or 30 years together. And then you just stop expecting that anything will ever change. But it doesn't mean you don't long for that change. Like maybe one of you is in a place of acceptance of this is just how it is, but the other is like, like, I know that maybe this is how it is, but I don't like it this way. And so there's at least one of you, if not both of you, really wanting it to be different, but not knowing how to get there. So I have seen this really, really often in my coaching practice where couples are not fighting, but they're not connecting either. And so they've replaced honesty with harmony. Because we think that couples who fight, that's not healthy. And so we don't want to argue with our partner. Like no one wants to argue. It's not like it's fun. I don't know. Maybe if you're a lawyer, you love to argue, but most of us, we don't love to argue. And so I think at its core, all of this, like replacing honesty with harmony, is about optics of it, if it looks good, it is good. Or if it looks good, it feels good. And that's not always true. You know that's not always true. Like it someone can, like sometimes when couples divorce, their family and friends are confused because they're like, but you guys never fought. But that doesn't mean that they weren't growing further and further and further apart over time. So we've been taught that if you're arguing, that that's unhealthy. And if you're not arguing, that's healthy. And so that's why we have this urge to keep the peace and the urge to avoid the difficult conversations or to not make it worse, is because we're just trying to keep it together and trying to do what we think we're supposed to do and make it look the way it's supposed to look. And so here's the truth: you cannot heal anything that you refuse to face. And so every avoided conversation is a lost opportunity at being able to connect with one another, being able to really understand one another, and being able to come through difficult times and repair after those times. Because there's a stat that says that you can argue 70% of the time, but if you repair, you can still have a loving, connected relationship. But we've never been taught how to repair after an argument. So most of us, we blow up, we argue, and then we create a lot of distance between the two of us. And then we give each other the silent treatment. We walk on eggshells for a few days until it blows over, and then we just get back in our rhythm again until the next blow-up happens. But we never come back and sort of understand it and repair after the fact. You know, I never fault someone for getting triggered necessarily, because I think we're going to get triggered. But can we come back and go, you know what? I could have handled that better. I could have done that differently. I wish I would have done that differently. Those are the repair type of conversations that can smooth out even some really ugly arguments that might take place. But here's the thing: avoidance doesn't always like sometimes it looks like a blowup. Sometimes it looks like silence. Sometimes it's masked as busyness. Right? We just avoid. I'm so busy. I'm so busy at work. I'm so busy with the kids. I'm so busy I don't have time to talk. I don't have time to slow down and talk to you about what's going on between us. That's a way of avoiding. Another way is using sarcasm, just using humor as a defense mechanism. Right? Those biting little comments that always have a seed of truth in them, sort of a passive-aggressive way of getting your point across without actually just sitting down and having the conversation because it feels uncomfortable. Another way that it can look is by you over-functioning, right? And when you over-function in the relationship, it automatically invites your partner to underfunction in the relationship. So you're trying to fix everything. And then you see your partner not doing anything, and then you lose respect for them over time. And then another way of avoiding is just passive withdrawal, you know, giving your partner one-word answers or just being distracted, sitting in front of the TV. Like I had a client recently tell me, she said, you know, her husband comes home and he watches the news, and then, you know, he'll have dinner, and then he'll be watching some sporting event on TV. And if she tries to talk to him, she gets shushed because he doesn't want to be interrupted. He doesn't want her interrupting the television. And so that tells you what his priority is. That is a form of passive withdrawal. It's avoidance because he doesn't want to have those conversations with his wife. And the more this goes on, the more that takes place, the more upset she gets. He knows that. And so the more and more he's going to avoid it. And so it's just this way of emotionally shutting down. And the thing is, these ways of avoiding, they don't actually keep the conflict away because it's just, it's like a volcano that's sort of simmering under the earth. And slowly what was once a vibrant sort of relationship becomes really flat. It might be polite, it might be functional, but it's going to feel really empty. And that's the best case scenario. The worst case scenario is when the resentments build up. And now I might care about you, but I'm not even sure I like you anymore as a person, right? That's the worst case scenario for a marriage. So if we really want to get at why we avoid, you have to trace it all the way to its root. And at its root, avoidance is about fear, right? It's about fear of rejection, about being misunderstood. It's about fear of losing control for my control freaks out there. And fear that you might have to finally say that quiet thing out loud. Or say something out loud that then you can't take back. And fear that the whole thing could just come crashing down. That what if this big, beautiful life we've built doesn't last? It's almost like Pandora's box of like, if I go there at all, are we gonna end up divorced? And so we're so afraid to even just open the door a little bit and say, this isn't working for me. How can we do this better? And so here's what's really happening. When we avoid discomfort, you are also avoiding intimacy. And intimacy, of course, is not built through avoidance, it's only built through honesty and through vulnerability and through openness, not closedness. Closeness. I just made up a word, closedness. You have to be a heart that's open, not a heart that's closed in order to connect with another human being, right? And so think about the difference between when you say, I'm scared, or I feel alone right now to your partner. That that invites them in. That's it, that's opening up to them. No, it feels vulnerable as heck, and our egos hate it. That's why we don't say it. We say, we're so disconnected, we haven't done anything forever. You know, we say things like that because that's our defense mechanism. That keeps us safe. But saying, I'm scared about what's happening between us, or I feel alone, that now is a vulnerable, soft place. It's like that soft underbelly. Or imagine saying to your partner, instead of we're so disconnected and we never do anything, and when's the last time we even talked? All you do is work, right? Anything like that. Instead, what if you went to them and said, I miss us. I miss you. Can we make some time for us in the coming weeks? Now that is an invitation, and almost anyone would walk through that open door. But it requires the courage to really say the truth of the matter, because that is the truth of the matter, right? You might also be pissed, but underneath the pissed is fear. Underneath the avoidance is fear. So what does it look like to stop avoiding and to start engaging? First of all, it begins with just small acts of courage, right? Saying what is true and doing it in a gentle and loving and clear way, not in a finger pointing, blaming, controlling kind of way, but to allow yourself to be seen. You know, I f I'm afraid right now because I feel like we've become so disconnected that I don't know what our future is going to look like if we don't do something different. So here's what this can sound like. I've been keeping things to myself because I didn't want to start a fight, but it made me feel further and further away from you. And that is the last thing I want to do. I want us to feel close and to be able to talk about hard things. Are you open to that? And then if they say yes, then you share your experience from your perspective only, right? This isn't you pointing the finger at them, telling them, you say, my experience of this situation was XYZ. What I made that mean was that you don't love me, that I'm unimportant, right? That's you taking responsibility for the assumptions that you made around it. And then what you want. What I want is for us to be able to really be able to have these difficult conversations without getting further and further disconnected from one another, right? Express what it is that you want. So, first speak from your experience, then what you made that experience mean, and then express what it is that you really want or desire. Like, why are we having this conversation? Because I promise you, even though your ego might really want to be right, I want to rub your nose in the fact that I'm right. That's my goal of having this conversation. That conversation isn't going to go well. But if your ultimate goal is to make your marriage feel better, well, now your partner knows your intention. And that makes all the difference. Another way that it could sound is I miss how we used to talk. You know, we used to stay up late and talk about things. I want that again. Can we schedule a night where it's just you and I? And we don't talk about the kids and we don't talk about your mother, and we just have a good time and we talk about us. And if your partner gets defensive, don't shut down. Okay. Dive into that. That's you see, usually what happens is that when they push back, we we take the shove and we step back. And what I want you to do is step towards it, but do it in a loving way. And here's what that looks like or sounds like. Wait a minute, darling. I'm sensing that you're getting defensive about this. And all I want to do is be able to talk to my husband or talk to my wife about how I'm feeling about, you know, this particular situation. I can sense that you're getting upset or that you're taking it personally. And I don't want that. I want you and I to be able to sit down and figure out how we can overcome this challenge. So maybe you could tell me how you think we should approach this, right? Like dive into it, don't run away from it. So here are a few ways to start rebuilding that openness. And I want you to begin with adding a bit of structure to your conversations and always beginning with where did we win as a couple? This, like let's say you're going on a date night or something, you're having dinner. I want to know where did you win this week? Where did you, my partner, win this week as an individual? And then where did we win as a couple? And when you start with the positive, then it opens the door to be able, because it's sort of like you've made some investments in the savings account, and now you have something to draw from. What most of us do is we don't make those investments in the savings account, but then we look to make withdrawals by saying, here's all the things that you're doing wrong, or here's all the things that we need to fix. It's like all the negative stuff. And so we have to say some positive stuff, and then we can get to the things that we might have on the negative side of the equation. And so, where did we win as a couple? Where could we do better as a couple? Some little hints is that you are going to think about one issue at a time. You are not going to solve 20 issues in one evening or one conversation. You're not even going to solve two issues in one evening or one conversation. You can only really do one issue at a time. So this is the long game, right? This is not let's boil the ocean all at once. This is, you know, once a week we're going to have these types of conversations. And every week we can address one thing at a time. Okay. Then you're going to want to think about choosing the right moment. You know, don't choose a time when you're both stressed to the max or exhausted or overwhelmed or rushed or reactive. Choose a time when things feel a bit calmer. Now, let me say this. Those are the times, those calm times, the avoider in you is really going to want to continue to avoid because it is peaceful. And so you're going to want to keep the peace because you're assuming that this is going to disrupt the peace. But what I want you to know is that if you do, if you have these conversations and you do them well, then it's not going to disrupt the peace. It might, it might bring up a bit of stuff, but on the other side of that, you two can actually feel stronger and more connected to one another. You can both feel a bit more understood in the relationship. It doesn't have to be something bad and upsetting in a big argument. Like not every hard conversation needs to lead to a big argument. And the more you do it, the more you'll prove that to yourself. So choose the right time when things are a bit calmer between you. And don't let the habit of avoiding take over just because things are calm, right? We all have a lot of courage when we're pissed off. We want to say all the things, but those are the times when we're going to say all the things wrong. And then we wonder why it doesn't go well. And then we wonder why we think every time we have hard conversations, it turns into an argument. And that's why. All right, lead with empathy and speak only from your experience. Use I language. Don't use, don't say you. Well, you did this. And get rid of the words always and never. They are never always true. Okay. So you always do this or you never do that. Those are like you're setting yourself up. It's a kiss of death, right? If it worked, I tell you to do it. It never works, so don't do it. Stay curious. Ask questions. Go into the conversation, like even the conversations where you know the two of you don't agree on something. Go into it with curiosity, assuming that you did not marry an idiot. And there's some perfectly logical reason in their brain why they see this so differently than you do. And if you approach it from a point of curiosity, you're gonna get so much further than just trying to be right, trying to get them to see that your way of thinking about this is the right way to think about it. That just gets you two butting heads. And the last thing is make honesty a habit. Just start small and build consistently over time. You know, if if he sends a shot over the bowel of like, you know, maybe he um maybe he made a comment that that felt biting to you. In that moment, you can just go, ouch. And then be silent for a few seconds. In that silence, he's rethinking what he just did, what he just said. He just replayed it in his mind. So that's like it's like little moments of honesty. Not everything needs to turn into a we need to talk kind of conversation. All right, so here is your reflection for the week. What is one truth that you've been avoiding in your marriage? What's the one thing that you know you need to express and you just haven't? And what might change if you had the courage to speak it? What possibilities might that open up for the two of you if you express just that one thing? Because sometimes the bravest thing you can say is here's how I see it. How do you see it? It can be as simple as that. That's really, I think, where reconnection can begin. So I want you to join me next week for episode three, where we're going to talk about power dynamics and partnership. We're going to talk about how success and ambition and control shape the emotional balance inside of a marriage and how to create real equity without losing yourself in the process. Until then, take really good care. Love, if your marriage looks fine on the outside but feels disconnected on the inside, you're not alone. So many accomplished couples reach a point where conversations turn tense, intimacy fades, and you start wondering, can we find our way back? Or are we avoiding the truth? I host a private luxury couples retreat for relationships at a crossroads. No groups, no exposure, just the two of you and a master coach helping you see the real issues, repair what's broken, and get absolute clarity about your future together. If this speaks to you, explore the details and request a confidential consultation at couplesweekendretreat.com.