Have you ever wondered about the strength it takes to survive the streets of Chicago? Join me, your host, as I expose my own journey of survival, resilience, and self-discovery. Strap yourself in for an emotional ride, dotted with excerpts from my upcoming memoir, "Mountains Can Rise Without Earthquakes: Memoirs of a Grown Girl", and amplified with wave music and mood-lifting songs. I promise to bare it all, remaining true to my experiences, because no one can narrate my story better than me.
Journey back to 1982, into the life of a daredevil teen named Chyna. With a fighting spirit and charm, she navigated through the streets, found protection and opportunity within the GDs, and formed powerful friendships. Dive into the complexities of her relationship with Chico (my daddy) Rico, the head of the GDs. As the story unfolds, you'll be gripped by the twists and turns of my past, and how it shaped the woman I am today.
Life wasn't always smooth sailing. Hear about my bitter-sweet departure, the welcoming arms of Mrs. Williams, and my pursuit of independence. Get a glimpse into my tumultuous relationship with older men, and the consequent aftermath that left indelible marks on my life. Despite the chaos, I found the silver lining - my journey of resilience and self-discovery. I promise, by the end of this episode, you'll understand that mountains can’t rise without earthquakes. It's time to embrace the bad, the good, and everything in between. So, are you ready to accompany me on this journey of self-exploration?
Have you ever wondered about the strength it takes to survive the streets of Chicago? Join me, your host, as I expose my own journey of survival, resilience, and self-discovery. Strap yourself in for an emotional ride, dotted with excerpts from my upcoming memoir, "Mountains Can Rise Without Earthquakes: Memoirs of a Grown Girl", and amplified with wave music and mood-lifting songs. I promise to bare it all, remaining true to my experiences, because no one can narrate my story better than me.
Journey back to 1982, into the life of a daredevil teen named Chyna. With a fighting spirit and charm, she navigated through the streets, found protection and opportunity within the GDs, and formed powerful friendships. Dive into the complexities of her relationship with Chico (my daddy) Rico, the head of the GDs. As the story unfolds, you'll be gripped by the twists and turns of my past, and how it shaped the woman I am today.
Life wasn't always smooth sailing. Hear about my bitter-sweet departure, the welcoming arms of Mrs. Williams, and my pursuit of independence. Get a glimpse into my tumultuous relationship with older men, and the consequent aftermath that left indelible marks on my life. Despite the chaos, I found the silver lining - my journey of resilience and self-discovery. I promise, by the end of this episode, you'll understand that mountains can’t rise without earthquakes. It's time to embrace the bad, the good, and everything in between. So, are you ready to accompany me on this journey of self-exploration?
Did y'all miss me? Y'all know I've been gone, but you know I needed a couple days. I needed a couple days. Did y'all miss me? Did you miss me? I needed a couple days.
Speaker 1:While I am back and y'all know how I do I got to start off with a little wave music. Thank you to everybody who's tuning in. I know I see you. I don't know who you are, but I do see you and I do. Thank you for tuning in. It's all about me today. It's all about me today.
Speaker 1:I am releasing, I am doing like Gentry says on her show that she has on here called Gentry's Journey, and I am letting it go. I am releasing and I am being free of mountains, honey, because they can't rise without earthquakes. These earthquakes are going to have to get me behind me. We're going to start this thing off with wave music, like I normally do, because I've got to get my stuff together. I'm asking myself the questions, I'm answering them myself.
Speaker 1:I'm reading excerpts from my upcoming book Mountains Can Rise Without Earthquakes Memoirs of a Grown Girl, honey, and I am also reading some poetry that I've written throughout the years and some quite recent, and just delving into my life and what I'm going through now what I've been through before, what my parents have been through, just everything. Y'all are going to get the tea, honey, because one thing I am is transparent, and one thing I will not let anybody do is tell my story better than me. Okay, so we're going to get to the tea, but first we're going to roll with. Ain't no Mountains High enough, honey. Come on, diana, let's bring me in.
Speaker 2:We're going on an adventure. Come on If you need me call me, no matter where you are. I'll be there, no matter how far you fall.
Speaker 3:Just call my name. I'll be there in a hurry. On that you can depend and never worry.
Speaker 2:No wind, no rain, no rain. Oh, winter's cold Can't stop me baby. Oh baby, baby, baby, If you're my cold, oh, no wind, no rain, no rain, no rain. Can't stop me, baby, if you wanna go, oh, oh, oh.
Speaker 3:I know, I know you must follow the sun Wherever it leads but remember.
Speaker 2:If you should fall short of your desires, remember life holds to you one guarantee you'll always have me. And if you should miss my love one of these old days, if you should ever miss the arms, if you used to hold yourself close, or the lips it used to touch your soul tenderly.
Speaker 2:Just remember what I told you the day I set you free. Ain't no mountain higher than a mountain. Ain't no mountain lower than a river. Why Can't be more beautiful than a mountain? Ain't no mountain higher than a mountain. Ain't no mountain lower than a city. Ain't no river wide as a hill. And your arms are high enough. Nothing can keep me, keep me from you. Ain't no mountain high enough. Ain't no mountain low enough. Ain't no mountain low enough. Ain't no mountain low enough. Ain't no mountain high enough. Ain't no mountain low enough. And don't kill me too. Keep me to cut me too. Ain't no mountain in this world. Nothing can keep me from you.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, yes. Ain't no mountain high enough? Okay, and until I see some people in the room, I'm going to play this waiting music, because I don't want to start reading without you guys being in, so I'm going to also wait music till I see a few more people come in.
Speaker 2:Oh, I can see it in his eyes, and there's been a boy in me all day. It seems as though he wants to cry and he's been acting really strange. He starts talking and I tune him out. It doesn't matter anyway, because I know as soon as I start out. Yeah, I know what he was doing this time. You know it's coming for you, baby. The rain stopped falling. Oh baby, the rain coming this time. You know it's coming for you. It's like a hurricane. It's like a hurricane the way you break everything that comes in your way, just like a hurricane. Just like a hurricane, the way you broke my heart, and I won't look with the pain. Hey, I feel the hurricane, baby, I'm not surprised, oh I. You said just what I thought you would, and it hurts, I ain't gonna lie, oh I, but it doesn't hurt as bad as it did. The rain stopped falling, the rain stopped going. We're talking, though, this time, you know it's coming for you Because we, the rain stopped falling. You feel the pain coming this time. You know it's coming for you.
Speaker 2:Hey, baby, like a hurricane, like a hurricane, the way you break everything that comes in your way, just like a hurricane. Just like a hurricane, the way you broke my heart and I won't look with the pain. Hey, I feel the hurricane. Now my life is shattered. I've never picked up no pieces and by the new beginning I put it back together again After the hurricane, like a hurricane, like a hurricane. The way you break everything that comes in your way, just like a hurricane. Just like a hurricane. The way you broke my heart and I won't look with the pain. Hey, I feel the hurricane Like a hurricane, just like a hurricane. The way you break everything that comes in your way, just like a hurricane. Just like a hurricane. The way you broke my heart and now I'm left with the pain. Hey, hey, hey. After the hurricane oh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Speaker 1:I love the hurricane, yes, and the first song that was played with Mrs Dite and the Raws was I'm not high enough, followed by the Ms Jazz and the Sullivan with hurricane. And before I even begin to speak on anything else, I have to open up with prayer. Dear Heavenly Father, we come before you today with humble hearts, seeking your guidance and blessings for the upcoming episode of Listen Lend, a podcast titled Just Me and my Mountains. I ask, lord, for your divine presence to be with me as I share my personal journey, excerpt from my memoir and the poetry that I have written throughout the years. Lord, I pray that you would grant me clarity of mind and the ability to articulate my thoughts and experiences with grace and authenticity. Made my words resonate with the listeners, touching their hearts and inspiring them to reflect on their own lives. Lord, god, we ask for your anointing upon the songs that will be played during this episode. May the melodies uplift and encourage, deepening the emotional connection between the music and the story that is shared today. Let each song be a source of comfort, healing, motivation and or fun for all who tune in. Father, I invite your Holy Spirit to move mightily through this live show, open the lines of communication allowing listeners to call in with questions, song requests or simply just to chat with me. May these interactions, lord God, be filled with love, kindness, understanding and fostering a sense of community and support. Lastly, lord God, we lift up this upcoming memoir.
Speaker 1:Mountains Can Rise With Our Earthquakes. Mimar of a Grown Girl, we pray that you would bless me, lord God, abundantly, granting me the strength and courage to share my story with vulnerability and authenticity. Made my words touch the lives of the readers, bringing hope, healing and encouragement. Lord, I thank you so much for this gift that you have given me of storytelling and the power it holds to inspire and transform others. Lord God, our trust in your guidance and provision as this podcast episode unfolds. In Jesus' name, we pray. Lord God, amen, and now thank everybody for tuning in. I appreciate everybody who's listening in Mama, pat, dr Velma. Good afternoon, jones Jones, carolyn Coleman and Joe. I appreciate every single person who is tuning in today and, yeah, I'm about to get ready and start reading, you guys. So here it goes.
Speaker 1:This is chapter two. It's called China and the story behind this chapter of Mountain Can't Rise Without Earthquakes is basically the story of my mom. My mom's name is China. That's her real nickname. I didn't give her actual name in the book because I still wanted to kind of respect her privacy. But anybody who from Chicago know China, they know who she is. So I'm going to go ahead and get started.
Speaker 1:My mama named China, and China was a wild one in 1982. She was a solid 16 years old, but she had hands like Ali and looked like the one and only Diana Ross. She was the coldest Mammy Jemmy on the west side of Chicago and everyone knew she wasn't to be messed with. China was what they call a fox, a brick house. Now, she didn't do the bell bottom pants or the platform shoes. Instead she rocked her hair, curled and combed straight to the front in a Mohawk style bamboo earrings and four finger rings, smooth chocolate skin and a curvy little frame. Yeah, she was cold, but as cold as her looks was, so was her heart. See, china grew up in the streets. Her mom died from childbirth and although her daddy was a minister to everyone in the neighborhood, he was just a jacked up daddy to her, mainly because she looked so much like the woman he loved so much. He beat her constantly to remind her just how much she loved her. Now ain't that a mess? See, china ran away at 12 years old to escape the constant beatings and unspeakable things her daddy did to her night after night. The only way she knew how to cope was to hang out with the GDs in the building down the block.
Speaker 1:Growing up on the west side of Chicago in the 80s wasn't no joke, man. She had to be protected, and the only way she knew how was to get initiated in. Now, usually when a guy get initiated into a gang, they either have to get jumped in or they got to un-elive someone. Now, with females, it was different. They have to let the whole gang get some kitty cat. That didn't too much phase China, though. She knew she was a cold piece and she had already been broken in by her dad. So how hard could it be to let a few more dudes hit, especially if that meant she would be protected in the streets, get some work so she can keep money in her pocket, all the while getting what she never thought she had anyway, which was a family and a place to call home.
Speaker 1:Now, china's partner in crime was a girl named Tessa, and she was a light-skinned girl who wasn't as pretty as China and was quite skinny, but she had an impeccable taste and style and was known as the neighborhood's go-to for boosting the latest fashion pieces From Marshall Fields to Armani, tommy Hill, figula Koss guess you name it. She had it for cheap and China knew she had to befriend Tessa when she bumped into her at a party. Now Tessa was dating a guy named Jace who introduced China to the head of the GDs, rico, as a favor to Tessa. Now Rico was skeptical when he first met China, maybe because he knew she was younger than what she claimed to be. Rico appreciated honesty and loyalty above all else and he didn't tolerate liars. He told China she had to be initiated into the gang and even then she would have to start from the bottom doing grunt work until he believed she was ready for a more significant task. China's response that's cool. Tell me when and where so I can devour those fools and start making money.
Speaker 1:Rico admired her ambition and audacity and as he looked at her the sun illuminating her chocolate skin he was reminded of Diana Ross, especially the night he took his wife to see her at the Paramount Theater. In a war, diana was performing Muscles from her silk electric album. The same night he proposed to his wife Carmen. That was a crazy, yet beautiful night, just like Diana. He wish she could have given that ring to Diana instead. So staring at China was the spitting image of Diana made him sweat.
Speaker 3:I said she won't demand to always understand. But that's alright for her. Stealing ain't enough for me.
Speaker 2:She said she won't give to keep her satisfied. But that's alright for her, but it ain't enough for me.
Speaker 3:I don't care if he's young or old. I just want someone I can hold on to. I want my soul. I want my soul. I want my soul. Ha, they say they have to see Is a real personality. But that's so right for them. Still it ain't enough for me. But I know what the eyes can see. Ah is a melody. If that's so right for them, still it ain't enough for me. I don't get these numbers Just so they can get rid of the fun.
Speaker 3:I just want some strong man Do you hold on to? I want myself. I want all of his body. Make a stroke in the back, from his head down to his toe. I want myself. I want all of his body. Make a stroke in the back, from his head down to his toe. I want some man. I want to love you In the sun. Oil on your body. Come with me. I'm high in the cascades. Let this be how you got this thing made Lost. As we hide in the desert. Stay with me. You won't regret it. Take this love so deep to swim in. Come to me. I want to love you. She said she wants a man To always not stay, but that's alright for her.
Speaker 2:Still it ain't enough for me, I don't care if he's young or old, just so they can get rid of the fun. I just want someone I can hold on to. I want myself.
Speaker 3:I want all of his body Make a stroke in the back, from his head down to his toe. I want myself.
Speaker 1:Yes, and that was Miss Diana Ross with Muscles from the Silk Electric Album. So I guess we know what was going through Mr Rico's man when he met my mama, right? Lol, lol, lord fix it, lol. So now I'm going to read a poem from the book in this call why Does the Cage Phoenix Rise? Why Does the Cage Phoenix Rise? Why Does the Cage Phoenix Rise?
Speaker 1:In the realm of friendship's loss, a tale unfolds Of turmoil, betrayed and mean girl cliques hold Once fear would hope, laughter and shared dreams Now left broken, a drift in silent screams. All the pain of a bond shattered and broken, leaving wounds that sting, words left unspoken. In the cruel grip of cliques, I found no solace, struggling through sadness, my heart in a shallows, lost in depths of sorrow's endless embrace. Along for connection, a warm, loving space. But alas, my path seemed destined for strife. As I navigated the trials of my own life, marriage and motherhood came to claim my days. Yet the pain of lost friendship Never truly fades. With no family bond to lean on and find solace, I searched for healing, for strength to embrace. But within the depths of my own being I found A flicker of light, whispered, a sound, for in darkness I discovered my own worth, a resilience that would guide me forth, no longer defined by the bonds that have been torn. I embraced my journey, tattered but reborn. Through the trials of heartache, I found my truth, a strength that emerged from my own roots.
Speaker 1:So, dear friends, if you find yourself in this plight, know their healing awaits, shining ever so bright. Embrace your own essence. Find solace within, for the wounds may heal and new friendships will begin. In a tapestry of life, bonds may come and go, but your spirit remains ready to flourish and grow. For the face of turmoil, you'll find your way and in depths of your heart, love will forever stay. And that was called. Why Does the Caged Phoenix Rise? And that is also one of the poems Out of my book. Mounds Can Rise Without Earthquakes. And that song, I mean that poem, really. You know it speaks to me in such a way that at this point in my journey and in my life, I understand.
Speaker 2:I'm not smoky. Sometimes I feel like giving up. It seems like my best just ain't good enough. But if you give me, I'm calling you, do you see? Do you care? All about what I'm going through? And then he said one more day, one more step. See, I'm preparing you for myself, and when you can't hear my voice, please trust my plan. I'm the Lord, I see, and, yes, I understand. But sometimes I feel like I'm all alone. I'm just like a stranger, so far from home. I feel like I've done all that I can do. Please, lord, give me strength. I'm just trying to make it through.
Speaker 2:And that's when he told me oh, one more day, one more step, yeah, one more step. Oh, my child Preparing you, I'm preparing you for myself, and when you can't hear my voice, please trust my plan. I'm the Lord, I see you and, yes, I understand. Oh, he knows, he knows how much, just how much we can't bear. Oh, and in the time of trouble, he promised he would always be there. I understand the Lord is telling you. Yes, I understand, I am the Lord, I see you and, yes, I understand.
Speaker 1:This is what he says.
Speaker 2:I am the Lord, I change it Not. I won't forget, nor have I forgot. You see, everything works according to my plan. I am God, trust me. I got the whole world in my hands. Oh, one more day, one more step, preparing you. Oh, for myself, I'm getting you ready. And if you can't hear my voice, if you can't hear me speaking, oh, just trust my plan. Yeah, I am the Lord, I love you, I see you and I understand. Oh, I am the Lord, I see what you're going through, every problem, every trial, every burden, every situation. I understand. I won't leave you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand, understand, understand. Thank you.
Speaker 3:Jesus.
Speaker 1:Yes, and that was Mr Smoky Norphal, where I understand. I am the Lord, I see you and, yes, I understand, and I am going to continue reading to you guys from mountains and I'm going to rise with our earthquakes. And now I'm going to jump ahead and I'm going to speak on the chapter called Blood Rivals. Now, this one I wrote and I'm going to give you a brief overview of what happened before. So it was a chapter called Wolf and Sheep's Clothing and really, you know, it gave insight on a friendship that I had, that I had since the third grade. And it turns out what? And she betrayed me and you know we were fighting, I was about 14 at the time, and so at this point, blood Rivals, I am leaving her house after this big fight and I'm completely distraught and heartbroken and I'm homeless at this point in my life. So here it is.
Speaker 1:As the tears streamed down my face, I hastily gathered all my clothes on that faithful day when we had our big fight. Now, some of them were still wet because I was washing them in a washing machine at the time, while others had managed to dry. The weight of the argument hung heavy in the air as I resolved to leave With a heavy heart and, embarked on a long journey, walked from her house to Ms Williams' place, a distance of about a mile or so. Chicago's bustling cityscape surrounded me, its towering buildings and bustling streets, from the backdrop to my troubled emotions, each step felt like a battle against the pain and confusion that had overwhelmed and engulfed me. Now, as I dragged my belongings through the park and up the block, the weight of my situation seemed to weigh me down even more than that bag honey, because my mind raced with thoughts of uncertainty. But I pressed on, determined to reach Ms Williams' house. Finally, after what felt like an eternity of walking, I arrived at her doorstep physically and emotionally drained and exhausted. I poured my heart out to Ms Williams, recounting the events they had transpired, and her reaction was one of righteous anger you could stay here tonight and I would get in contact with your caseworker. She declared, her voice filled with determination. Her children, though not entirely agreeable, understood that they had no say in the matter and reluctantly accepted my presence. But they made it clear that, though their mother favored me, I was not in their favor and, despite their mixed feelings, I regarded Ms Williams as my mother figure, refusing to let their indifference affect me at all. I called her mom and treated her children as if they were my own siblings, regardless of their initial resistance. Their acceptance was not crucial to me, for in my heart I had found a place to belong, the pass and a time box, stability and comfort of routine.
Speaker 1:Two years went by and as I turned 16, I took up a job at the McDonald's at Navy Pier, seeking independence and a sense of purpose. The city of Chicago continued to bustle around me, with its vibrant neighborhoods, diverse cultures and breathtaking skyline. It became the backdrop to my journey, reflecting both the challenges and hope that lay ahead Now. At Mr Trials of my life, I found Solis in the company of my biological sister, destiny. At 15, she had an older boyfriend and through him I came to know Kevin, his brother. Kevin, a handsome man in his mid-20s, worked on the railroads and exuded a captivating charm. Destiny introduced us and, despite my initial resistance, we found ourselves drawn to each other. In an act of defiance, I made it clear to Kevin that I didn't need him for anything. I shared my real age, my academic achievements and my job at the fast food chain, emphasizing that his presence wouldn't make or break me job. But little did I know that our encounter would set a stage for a tumultuous connection that would shape my future.
Speaker 1:During that time, I was dating someone else, a 19-year-old landscaper named Rashid, who my foster mom's mother had introduced me to. But fate had other plans in store for me. On New Year's Eve, a battered Rashid showed up at my doorstep. He was bruised and sent in shock waves through the entire family. Ms Williams, concerned for my state safety, took a firm stand. You're going to have to break up with him. He is living a dangerous life, she insisted Her voice filled with maternal concern. In defiance of her warning, I chose not to end things with Rashid formally. Instead, I just avoided his calls and started seeing Kevin, attracted to the excitement and mystery that he brought to my life. Dating the old man, kevin and I began exploring the vibrant streets of Chicago together, immersing ourselves in the rich culture and music that filled the city's air. He even went as far as buying me my first quichacol city, solidifying our connection. But Kevin, with his charming ways, couldn't resist indulging in his own desires. He considered me his man-girl, but his actions spoke otherwise.
Speaker 2:I know that you are guilty, and I see that it is easy for you to blame everything on me. If that's the case, I should go have my fun and do all the things you say I do. Boy, I can't continue to take this from you. I might as well have cheated on you. As much as you accuse me of cheating, I might as well have as much as you accuse me of lying. I might as well have as much as you accuse me of lying. I might as well have as much as you accuse me. I should have cheated when my girl told me she saw you with some girl, but I didn't accuse you of something that I didn't see myself realize. You gotta stop accusing me. I might as well have as much as you accuse me of cheating. I might as well have as much as you accuse me of lying. I might as well have as much as you accuse me. I wish I knew that you would treat me this way. If you don't promise me that you change your ways, I'm leaving today and I ain't coming back. You made it like that wasn't fair to me. I'm just jealous. I know everything. What do you do without me While you're dreaming? Oh, baby. As much as you accuse me, I might as well have. As much as you accuse me of lying, I might as well have. As much as you accuse me, I might as well have.
Speaker 2:I should have gave it all away. I should have cheated. I should have lied, I should have cheated. Maybe I should have went out to the club, or maybe I should have done it, should have given away all my love, or maybe I should have played you and I don't appreciate me. No, and I tried to stay down with you, but you're making it hard for me. As much as you accuse me, I might as well have. As much as you accuse me of lying, I might as well have Cause. I love you, I might as well have. As much as you accuse me I should have cheated. As much as you accuse me of cheating, I should have cheated. As much as you accuse me of lying, I might as well have. As much as you accuse me of lovin', lovin', lovin' I love you. As much as you accuse me of cheating, I should have cheated.
Speaker 4:I should have cheated, I should have cheated, I should have cheated, I should have cheated, I should have cheated.
Speaker 1:Yes, that was Keisha Cole. I should have cheated and I should have cheated on him. But we, we, we're going to kind of back up a little bit so I can give you guys a little bit more of the background of me. Okay, so, at 13 years old I left my grandmother's house. I had been sexually molested and, you know, physically, emotionally abused by some adults in the house at the time, and all of that is inside the book. But I want to get to a chapter in the book that's actually entitled Terror by Night, and let's just start there.
Speaker 1:March 4, 2002 stands etched in my memory as the day my world shattered completely. I was torn away from everything familiar, forced into the cold embrace of an emergency shelter, a temporary haven between the life I once knew and the uncertain future that awaited me in a group home. The pain of separation from my 14 year old sister I mean my 13 year old sister Destiny and my father gnawed at my soul, but it seems as though their love had drifted away long before anyway. So, before I left, I saw solace in the arms of Chico, my confidant, my true best friend, my dad. I whispered the truth into his sleeping ear, hoping that he will understand the depths of my torment, and in his eyes I saw a flicker of recognition, a shared experience that mirrored my own. My father's past echoed through Chico's gaze, confirming the truth of my words, and in that moment I realized that this darkness wasn't confined to just me alone. It has seeped into the very fabric of my family. My father, fueled by father's love and a brother's betrayal, took matters into his own hands. He confronted my uncle, unleashing his fury upon the man who he had shattered trust. Justice was served as my uncle changed, was sent to jail, but the scars he left upon our hearts would forever take far long to heal. My grandmother, burdened by guilt and shame, struggled to forgive me for exposing the truth, but forgiveness was not mine to seek. Her condemnation, her lies, only served to isolate me further from a family that had already cast me aside. Yet, as painful as it was, their rejection was no longer. No longer held power over me. I had a singular focus, a determination to escape the confines of the group home and reclaim the love I believe awaited me. With my man and with an unwavering resolve, I embarked on my journey, fueled by the conviction that I deserved a life free from the shadows of abuse and betrayal. The road ahead would be treacherous, but I would traverse it with every ounce of strength within me. By any means necessary, I will find my way back to him, back to my man, hoping that love would be the balm to heal the wounds that has scarred my soul.
Speaker 1:On March 11, 2002, my 14th birthday, I found myself traveling to a new group home, st Margaret, with Ayanna Now. Ayanna was 17-year-old gangsta lesbian on probation, and she was assigned to the same home. She was friends with my brother, dirty Red, and she was told to look out for me. Now, despite her tough exterior, she became a protective older sister to me. However, my birthday was far from a celebration and instead of spending the day with my boyfriend, terrence and my best friend Mumu, I was on the bus to a new group home. On arrival, the girls at the St Margaret were immediately hostile, assuming that Ayanna and I were lovers due to her sexuality, and this led the staff to separate us, making my first day even harder. Later that day, one of the staff dropped my birthday cake on purpose. They used my past actions against me to justify their cruelty, saying that I didn't deserve a birthday cake due to my behavior with my grandmother, and when Ayanna came to my defense, we were both put on lockdown for a week Now.
Speaker 1:During the lockdown, I reflected on the previous week at the emergency shelter. I had been involved with a staff member there, something I hadn't shared with anyone until now. So you guys are here in that first hand. Yep, the tea is coming from the horse's mouth. Like I told you all before, I ain't nobody going to tell my story better than I'm going to tell it. So here goes. He was in his mid-20s and attractive and I was only in Missing Terrence. What happened between us were consensual, but it was still inappropriate and it was something I kept to myself.
Speaker 1:The next day, the supervisor handed me a Catholic school uniform and informed me that I would be attending St Margaret's School, and, as a member of the Church of God in Christ, I was furious. I had no intention of going to a Catholic school, but my protests fell on deaf ears. In the end, I had no choice but to attend St Margaret's School and wear the uniform. Ayanna and I stuck together navigating this strange new world. Despite the staff's attempt to separate us and the main girl's rumors, we still remain close.
Speaker 1:Through this journey, I learned that I could weather any storm with resilience and determination. I understood that, despite the harshness of my circumstances, I could still choose to fight for my dignity and self-respect. And, despite the uniform I wore, I knew my true identity lay within me, in my faith and in my strength, and that I'm going to end that there and that is called. That chapter was called. I'm just going to play the song because that was something. The night I went through that night was. It was something. It was something. And I kept getting this thing, this stigma, about me because I was fast At 14 years old, I was dating older guys. I was dating older men, I was doing what I wanted to do and at that time I was looking for something. You know, but only the adults, you know, they only thought of me as a bad girl.
Speaker 2:Bottle. Look, pick juice, I'll keep you up. Bad than a mother, oh nah. If you're a bad girl, oh, clare's. When you see me, act like you know me. I keep a dollar worth of dimes. You know, can't be that easy for all my chicks in the club. Who knows how to cut a rug? If you're a bad girl, get at me, bad girl. Work me, baby, shaking it the way I like. I'm ready to be bad. I need a bad girl, see you, get at me, bad girl.
Speaker 2:What sexy lady's coming over here tonight? I'm ready to be bad. I need a bad girl. Get at me, bad girl now. I see the lot abroad. Oh, oh, wanna call everyone the same bud. Take a look at my dame, my dame show she. Take that hypnotic. I'll say there ain't much more I can say, but I need a bad girl. Yeah, one thigh on the bar now. She need a drink on the floor now. Look at them, bad girls, moving it, making faces while they doing it. Oh, I wanna take one to the restroom. So close I'm smelling like you're burning. If you're a bad girl, get at me, bad girl. Work me baby, shaking it the way I like. I'm ready to be bad. I need a bad girl. See you, get at me, bad girl. What sexy lady's coming over here tonight. I'm ready to be bad. I need a bad girl. Get at me, bad girl. I'm gonna give me one of them. Oh, get at me one of them. Oh, oh, get at me, bad girl. I'm gonna give me one of them. Get me one of them. Get me one of them. Get me one of them. Get me two on the rim. Let's cool with me.
Speaker 2:Shawty, I'm getting a bad girl. Oh, if you want a party, I got what you looking for. Come see me in the VIP. It's very necessary to be the kind of girl for me. If you want a day, baby girl, let's leave. Oh, work me baby, shake it if you need it. Oh, shake it, baby. I need a bad girl. Get any bad girl. Sexy lady, come in with me tonight. I'm ready to be bad, to be the bad girl. Get any bad girl. Oh, Get any bad girl. Oh, if you want a ham, get me one of them. Get me one of them. Oh, get any bad girl. Get me one of them. Get me one of them. Oh, get any bad girl on my feet. Give me back, girl. Get back to the world. Yeah, get back to the world. I want to see you get to hit me, get at me back, girl. Get me back, girl. Get back to the world. Yeah, stay back, girl. Get back to the world to see you. Give me a bad girl.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's all. They saw me as. Y'all was a bad girl, a bad girl. And you know, a lot of times you know people, they, they judge a book best cover. And you know I've learned to never do that because you never know the roles that people have. You know walked and the journey that they have encountered. You know, like you never know what somebody has been through. So this poem I wrote is called Jackie Baby, it'll Be Okay. And I wrote this to my younger self.
Speaker 1:Oh, jacqueline, my dear younger self, let me hold your gaze In this mirror. I see the beauty of your youthful days and as I speak to you, I want you to know that I love you deeply as you continue to grow. In your eyes I see a world of endless possibilities, a heart filled with dreams, hopes and sweet melodies. You may feel uncertain, unsure of what lies ahead, but trust me, my dear, you have nothing to dread. You are deserving of love, affection and care. So don't let doubt or insecurity linger in the air. Embrace your imperfections. They make you unique, for it's through self love that true happiness you'll seek.
Speaker 1:I know there are times when life feels overwhelming, when storms are doubt and fear. Keep on rumbling, but have faith in yourself. My younger self, so true. Believe in your strength or it will guide you through. You are resilient, jackie, a fighter with grace. With each obstacle you face, you'll find your rightful place. Remember it's okay to stumble and fall, for through these moments that you'll rise tall.
Speaker 1:I want you to know that you are enough with all your quirks, your passion and your stuff. No need to seek validations from others eyes. The love you have for yourself is the ultimate prize. So, my dear Jacqueline, in this mirror we stand, I reach out to you with an outstretched hand. Let's love ourselves deeply as we journey through time. Together, we'll conquer mountains and rise above the climb. And this and in this reflection I see the strength in your soul, a reminder that self love is the ultimate goal.
Speaker 1:Embrace your worth, believe in your power, for with you my dear lies, a love that will never sour. So take my words to heart, my younger self, I say I love you deeply each and every day. You are beautiful, jackie, in every single way. And remember my dear. That is going to be okay. And that is called Jackie Baby is going to be okay. And that is another poem from the book entitled Mountains Can't Rise Without Earthquakes. And that reminds me of another Keisha Cole song called Just Like you, and I'm going to play that one right now for you guys.
Speaker 2:I don't want to lose. What I came to prove is everything I expect myself to be and I'm going to do everything I said I'll do Making my dreams come true. It means so much to me that you could never understand how I feel when I'm searching for the words to say, and I don't want to be nobody else. Take the time and get to know me the real me and you will see. I'm just like you. I'm trying to take my time and get to know me. I'm just like you, trying to live my life and take care of mine. I'm just like you. I'm trying to be happy. I'm just like you and I want to be the one who you can be. And when it feels so bad, I know I can handle it, cause I've been through so much. It's so much I've overcome. I had to look inside of me and see just who's inside of me and know who I need was me. Oh, it took so much for me just to see it's all I need. And you could never understand how I feel when I'm searching for the words to say, and I don't want to be nobody else. Try to take the time and get to know me the real me, and you will see, I'm just like you. I'm trying to take my time and get to know me. I'm just like you. I'm trying to live my life and take care of mine. I'm just like you.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to be happy. I'm just like you, you know. Bless be the Lord, my strength, which teaches my hands to war and my fingers to fight. Do it all. He's protected me along the way and I want to thank you, cause without you, I'm nothing. I'm just like you. I know it's just a little hard, but he will take care of you. Trust and believe in happiness. Oh, and if you, I can't love you wrong. I can't love you wrong. What do you see? Oh, look at her mirror. Look at her mirror. Oh, what do you see?
Speaker 1:Oh, look at her mirror. Look at her mirror. What do you see? Yes, that was Keisha Cole, just like you. Oh, my goodness, that song resonated with me so much.
Speaker 1:Now I'm going to get back to the story, and this part of the story, this part of the chapter, is called Tear by Night. Please stay. Ayanna pleaded her voice. Deal with genuine concern. You only have to stay here for two more weeks. What will you do when I'm not here? They're waiting for you to be alone to harm you.
Speaker 1:We shared a bit of sweet laugh, understood the dangers that loomed over me. Once Ayanna was gone, she handed me some money, a lifeline, to help me navigate the uncertain path that lay ahead for me. It was around $300. There was a small fortune that held the promise of a new beginning to me, child. Now leaving Ayanna's room, the scent of lavender fading into the distance, I couldn't shake the feeling of loss that enveloped me. I knew deep down that our paths were diverging and the pain of leaving her behind took at my heart.
Speaker 1:That night, driven by a desperate longing for freedom, I made the decision to run away from the group home, with two other girls from the facility Sneaking out through the side door, the blaring alarm pierced the quiet night. We vaulted over the gate our hearts pounded with both fear and determination. Leaving everything behind, I clung to the hope that my meager savings would carry me to safety, to the arms of my man who promised to take care of me. We traveled on a treacherous journey, hitchhiking towards the city, hoping that fate would guide us towards a better future. Now, a nerdy looking man pulled up beside us, concerned etched on his face, as he questioned our presence on the dark streets late at night. His offer to help, coupled with his seemingly harmless demeanor, prompted us to accept his offer of a ride. As we settled into the car, the music playing in the cinema wanted filling the air. A sense of unease washed over me. My instincts kicked in, reminding me to stay vigilant, to be aware of my surroundings or, as, like Chico would say, keep your head on a swivel. It was then that I realized we were headed in the wrong direction away from safety towards anger Panic.
Speaker 1:The man's demeanor shifted and his nervousness was basically undeniable. He grabbed one of the girls in the front seat, brandishing a knife. His intention chillingly clear you fast, ass. Girls are going to give me some head and then I'm going to take you back where I found you. He threatened, his voice trembling In that moment, adrenaline coursing through our veins. He must not know. He got some fighting girls in this car. The girl in the back seat swiftly wrapped a scarf around his neck and started choking him.
Speaker 1:Chaos ensued in that car as he stabbed the girl in the front seat with the knife. Her agonizing scream pierced the knife. We seized the opportunity to escape, fleeing from the car, fear pushing us forward, running for our lives. We managed to remove the knife from the girl's leg, using the scarf to stem the bleed. Spotting the pay phone, I quickly dialed 911, urgently, pushing through the panic, to explain the situation. Once the ambulance arrived, taking the injured girl away, her silent understanding of our escape, fueling her compliance with our fabricated story that we were late getting home and we had to hurry back.
Speaker 1:With the green line train in sight, a glimmer of hope ignited within me. I boarded the train, relief washing over me like a warm embrace. My destination to Moomoo's house. It was a sanctuary where I hoped to find solace and, most of all, support. As Moomoo whispered those painful words in the hallway, my world seemed to crumble around me.
Speaker 1:The image of Terrence with his ex-girlfriend Jessica pierced through my heart like a thousand shards of glass. The disbelief and betrayal washed over me, threatening to drown me in a sea of hurt. Stop playing with me, I murmured, desperately, hoping that Moomoo was joking, but the look in her eyes told me everything I needed to know. My mind raced. I was trying to make sense of the situation. How could Terrence betray me like this? How could he have been with Jessica all along?
Speaker 1:Even before I left my grandma's house, the weight of the troop settled on my shoulders, crushing the dreams and hopes I had built around our relationship. The tears welled up in my 14-year-old eyes, blurring my vision, as the pain threatened to console me. Every moment we shared, every promise of love and loyalty shattered into a thousand irreparable pieces. It felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest, leaving a void that seemed insurmountable. Terrence was the reason I veered off the right path. I used to be a straight-A student. I never smoked weed or a drink or left my grandmother's house without permission the catalyst for my reckless behavior. And now he has shown his true colors.
Speaker 1:The realization hit me like a tidal wave. I had risked everything, sacrificed my family and my stability, all for the love I believed Terrence had for me. But now, in this moment of heartbreak, it became painfully clear that my world had been turned upside down by a grown-ass man who didn't truly understand the magnitude of what his actions had truly done to my 14-year-old life. My friends' tears mirrored my own, her heart aching as she witnessed the devastation in my eyes. We sat together in that hallway, the weight of our shared pain hanging heavily in the air.
Speaker 1:In that moment I made a silent vow to myself no man would have the power to break me like this again. This heartbreak would be the catalyst for my transformation. That fuel ignited a fire within me. Drying my tears, I strained my posture and defiantly declared he just broke the wrong heart. The pain transformed into determination and I felt a surge of strength coursing through my veins. It was game time. I would pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and rebuild stronger than before. No longer would I allow anyone to define my worth or dictate my happiness. With the newfound resolve, I stepped back into that apartment, ready to face them head-on. This heartbreak would be the turning point, the catalyst for my growth. I would rise from the ashes of this broken love, honey, stronger, wiser and ready to reclaim my life. And at that time I looked them dead in the eyes and I said game time bitches.
Speaker 2:I used to think that I wasn't funny enough and I used to think that I wasn't wild enough. But I won't waste my time trying to figure out why you playing games. What's this all about? And I can't believe you're hurting me. I met your girl. What a difference. What you see in her you ain't seen in me. But I guess it was all just make-believe.
Speaker 2:Oh, love never knew what I was missing, but I knew what we'd start kissing about. Love never knew what I was missing, but I knew what we'd start kissing about From you. Now you're gone, what am I gonna do? So empty my heart. My soul can't go on. Go on without you. My rainy days fade away when you come around, please tell me, baby, why you go so far away, why you go away. Never knew what I was missing, but I knew what we'd start kissing about. Love never knew what I was missing, but I knew what we'd start kissing about From you. Now you're gone, what am I gonna do? So empty my heart. My soul can't go on. Go on, baby, without you, my rainy days fade away. When you come around, say you're here to stay with me. Boy, I don't want you to leave me, I need you Never knew what I was missing, but I knew what we'd start kissing about. Love never knew what I was missing, but I knew what we'd start kissing about. Love never knew what I was missing.
Speaker 1:But I knew what we'd start kissing about. Love never knew what I was missing about. Love. Never knew what I was missing about. Love never knew what I was missing about. Love. Never knew what I was missing about. Love. Never knew what I was missing about. Love. Never knew what I was missing about. Love never knew what I was missing about. Love. Never knew what I was missing about. Love. Never knew what I was missing about. Love. Never knew what I was missing about Love. Never knew what I was missing about Love. Never knew what I was missing about Love. Never knew what I was missing about. Love. Never knew what I was missing about. Love. Never knew what I was missing about. Love. Never knew what I was missing about Love. Never knew what I was missing about Love. Never knew what I was missing about Love. Never knew what I was missing about. Love. Never knew what I was missing about.
Speaker 2:Love never knew what I was missing about. Love never knew what I was missing about. Love never knew what I was missing about. Love never knew what I was missing about.
Speaker 3:Love never knew what I was missing about. Love never knew what I was missing about.
Speaker 1:Love never knew what I was missing about Love. Never knew what I was missing about Love never knew what I was missing about Love never knew what I was missing about.
Speaker 3:Love, never knew what I was missing about.
Speaker 2:Love never knew what I was missing about. Love never knew what I was missing about. Love never knew what I was missing about. Come to far from where I started from. Nobody told me the road would be easy, and I don't believe he's taught me this far to lead me. Never said there wouldn't be trials.
Speaker 3:Never said I would fall, Never said that everything would go.
Speaker 2:The way I wanted to go. But when my back is against the wall and I feel a hope is gone, I'll just lift my head up to the sky and say help me to be strong. I just can't give up now. Come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me the road would be easy, and I don't believe he's taught me this far to lead me. No, you didn't bring me out here to leave me lonely. Even when I can't sleep with me, I know that you were with me. So I can't, I just can't.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me the road would be easy. But hey, I don't believe, don't believe. Oh, no, no, no, no, that I can't give up now. Hey, I can't give up now. Come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me the road would be easy, but hey, I don't believe he's taught me this far to lead me. I just can't give up now. Come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me the road would be easy, but hey, I don't believe, don't believe. Oh, I can't give up now. I just can't. I can't give up now.
Speaker 1:Come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me the road would be easy. Nobody told me the road would be easy, but hey, I don't believe he's taught me this far to lead me. Yes, I just can't give up now. I come too far from where I started from. Nobody told me the road would be easy and I know he did not bring me this far to lead me. Thank you, jesus, hallelujah for that word.
Speaker 1:And now I'm going to get back into the story. I'm not giving y'all everything. I know y'all think I'm giving y'all everything, but I'm really not. I'm skipping and picking and choosing. But I really want to get into this part of the story and you know I just got done telling y'all about how Me and a girl in the book Moomoo. We have been friends and you know she was there for me and she considered us. You know us up as sisters and usually, you know I don't know why, but you know I choose to believe all the wrong people. You know, when it comes to a Pisces or somebody like me with a kind heart, you know we always give people the benefit of the doubt, you know, even when they don't deserve it right. And so that's how I've been most of my life and it's come to bite me quite a few times actually. So I want to get into this portion of Wolf and Sheep's clothing From Mounted. Can't Rise Without Earthquakes. Memoirs of a grown girl.
Speaker 1:Me and Moomoo had been friends since the third grade. Well, we met for a second time in the sixth grade. We were actually about to fight. She had bathroom issues and would unintentionally go on herself to be and be too humiliated to clean herself, so she would just walk around smelling like poop all day. One day I decided to call her out on it. We were about to fight outside. Now she was twice my size, so I was horrified, but I didn't show it the relief oh my goodness, the relief I had when I saw Miss Williams come out and say the day was unspeakable. And once Miss Williams squashed the beef, we became so tight. Nothing or no one could break us apart.
Speaker 1:But all that changed when we got into high school and we went to two different schools. Originally we were supposed to go to the same high school, which was Marshall, but my dad's new wife, stephanie, transferred me to the same school as her daughters Dietra and Pam. Now I ain't go lie, I was glad I didn't want to go to Marshall Because everybody in the neighborhood went there. Everybody I went to Fair Day with and ACRA was there. Everybody in the buildings was there and I just didn't want to go there.
Speaker 1:I was always used to going to different schools than the ones in my neighborhood. I always wanted to meet different people. So when I found out I would be going to Dunbar on the south side of Chicago, I was anxious and nervous, but I felt like I would be okay because my sisters would be there. Boy, was I wrong. The first week at my new school was cool. I met new friends, the work was easy and the teachers were nice.
Speaker 1:But it was the trouble at home that I didn't see coming. I'm missing $100 from my envelope and I know I didn't spend it, so I'm trying to figure out where it is. I said my voice tinged with confusion and frustration. Right then one of the girls started laughing hysterically, her laughter piercing through the air like sharp daggers. Did you say she was dumb, or was it that you said she was scary? She taunted Words laced with malicious intent. The sound of her laughter echoed in my ear, anticipating my growing anger. My heart pounded in my chest as I mustered the courage to confront her. Come again, I demanded, my voice now laced with aggression. The room felt silent, tension crackling in the air. Girl, she ain't gonna bust a cherry in a fruit fight. Mumu interjected, trying to diffuse the escalating situation. Fool, can't you see I spent your money? You gotta pay me rent to live in my room, you homeless bum. Mumu confessed her words hitting me like a sucker punch to the gut.
Speaker 1:The betrayal cut deep, leaving me feeling wounded and vulnerable. Confusion clouded my mind as I struggled to comprehend her sudden animosity towards me. Now, where is all this coming from? What did I do to you? I pleaded, the hurt evident in my voice. I felt the weight of our history, the years of friendship and shared experience, crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. Now you tough because you got new friends. Now you got some courage enough that you think you could steal from me your friend, your sister, who's been here way longer than any of these. Nobis, I exclaimed, my voice trembling with a mix of anger, sadness and just pure disbelief. The betrayal stung, piercing my soul like a thousand needles my house, my rules. She retorted her words dripping with a cold, callous demeanor.
Speaker 1:In that moment, a surge of emotions overwhelmed me. I couldn't control the anger, hurt and sense of betrayal that had been building within me. A red haze descended over my vision as I lashed out my fist connecting with her face. The satisfaction of each punch fueled my rage, the physical blows echoing the emotional pain I felt inside. It was as if my fist were the physical manifestation of all the hurt, pain and betrayal that I had endured throughout my life, culminating in this single moment.
Speaker 1:And as the fight escalated, her new friends attempted to intervene, but their efforts was futile. The adrenaline coursing through my veins gave me an unexpected strength, overpowering anyone who dared to stand in my way. Each punch I landed felt like a release, a cathartic outlet for the overwhelming emotions that consumed me. The lines between friendship and foe blurred and in that moment I felt both a sense of liberation and a crushing weight of guilt. Through the haze of the brawl, I couldn't help but feel a profound sense of loss, the realization that someone I consider a sister, someone I trusted implicitly, had turned against me and exposed my deepest secrets. That cut me to the core. It shattered my perception of friendship and loyalty, leaving me to grapple with the harsh reality that people we hold closest to our hearts can sometimes be the ones who hurt us the most. And she became, just like all the others, a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Speaker 2:I remember when they came and got my sister, I told them I would kill just to get her. I really kept my word. I got some own back pulled up to the A, got a life on track. How you let a man take your mind off that? How you talking bout me behind my back? I guess killing for you ain't enough. Guess water is sicker than blood.
Speaker 2:I remember I was there for your vision. I remember I was down for your vision. Yeah, when nobody cared for your vision, I remember I was there for your vision. Yeah, you know like I know. You know like I know. You know like I know, baby, y'all know me.
Speaker 2:When you tried to shake the drink, who was with you through the pain? But when they took your homies life, say who held you when you cried? No, it wasn't for the music, it wasn't for the fame. That that was for real. But you won't say my name. Well, I'll say your name. See, no one. But that was bae. That was my aim. By the way, before you get mad, I had it before Ms Crank, but she didn't know it was me. I told her the truth, but she ain't care, you know she got a man at home in a wheelchair. You took it too far. Let me remind you who you are, since everybody wanna hate star. I remember I was there for you bitches. Yeah, I remember I was down for you bitches. Yeah, when nobody cared for you bitches, I remember I was there for you bitches. Yeah, you know like I know. You know like I know. You know, like I know baby.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, you know me, Since you wanna go solo. Yes, yes, yes, and that right, there is just a story of Betrayal. Another story of Betrayal, and that one was from the the a season of Star on Fox and the girl name is Jude DeMorris and she was singing this song called there For you and it just told the story of how her friends and her sister actually she went and killed somebody for her sister and rescued her from being molested and abused. And they came and they started this singing group and the whole group just turned their back on her and just betrayed her out of nowhere. And when she started taking up for herself, you know, everybody was against her and it resonated with me because it's like I was there for you and you supposed to be there for me and we supposed to be sisters. But now I'm getting betrayed and it just.
Speaker 1:I really resonated with that so much and I wanna read another poem that I wrote and it's called I Love you, me, oh, jacqueline Cox, a love poem for you, a celebration of self, a love that rings true In the mirror. Behold a beautiful soul, a spirit so radiant, making the world whole, your eyes like sparkling jewels, deep and bright, reflecting the wisdom gained through life's flight. With each passing day you grow and evolve, unfolding your essence. A puzzle to solve. Your smile filled with so much joy and delight, being worth and comfort. Casting away the night, it lights up the room, spread love far and wide, a testament to the beauty you hold inside your laughter. A melody, sweet and pure, a symphony of happiness forever endures. It dances on the wind like a gentle breeze, leaving and lifting spirits, soothing hearts with ease.
Speaker 1:In your heart, a garden of love does bloom. Nurtured by self-care, it banishes gloom. You tend to your soul with kindness and care, embracing your worth, knowing you're rare. You weather storms, honey, face challenges so bold, yet found strength within you never fall. Your resilience shines a guiding light, inspiring others to stand and fight. O, jacqueline Cox, embrace your worth, for you are treasure, a gift to this earth. You love yourself fiercely with all that you are and watch as your light illuminates near and far. So celebrate the beauty that lies within, embrace your uniqueness and let self-love begin. You are deserving of love from yourself and more. For you, dear Jacqueline, are worth it all and more. And that was another poem from Mountains, and with that I gotta play this one.
Speaker 2:Oh talk to me, oh, talk to me.
Speaker 3:Alone in a room. It's just me and you.
Speaker 2:I feel so lost cause. I don't know what to do Now. What if I choose the wrong thing to do? I'm so afraid afraid of disappointing you. So I need to talk to you and ask you for your guidance, especially today, when my life is so cloudy. Guide me until I'm sure I open my heart.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, my hope and dreams are fading fast. I'm all burnt out and I don't think my strength gonna last. So I'm crying out, crying out to you. Oh, I know that you're the only one who is able to pull me through. So I know I need to talk to you and ask you for your guidance, especially today, when my world seems so cloudy.
Speaker 2:Guide me until I'm sure I open up my heart. Oh yeah, yes, I do so. Show me how to do things your way. Don't let me make the same mistakes Over and over again. You'll be done and I'll be the one To make sure that it counts. And in me I don't want any love that's wild. I don't want to talk to you inside of me and ask you for your guidance, especially today, when my world seems so cloudy. Guide me through. That's why I open up my heart, my heart, my heart, my heart. Oh, I need to just hear a single word from you oh, I open, I open, open up my heart. Just one word can make the difference in what I do. Lord, guide me until I'm sure I open, I open, I open, I open my heart. Oh, you just say one word, one word, one word I open up, I open up, open up my heart to you, to you, you're the love of my soul. I've kept enough of my seed. I need to work on you. That's why I open up my heart.
Speaker 1:That was Yolanda Adams who opened up my heart and as I read this chapter I'm asking for my warriors, because this one is a rough one, and the chapter the name of this chapter is called Daddy's Girl in a Cold World. But life had to go on. I reconnected with my old friend Mumu. We had been friends since the third grade and although we had our differences, we were like sisters. So I didn't want to give up on our friendship. One day, as we walked down, kezzie, a newer model and potter pulled up. It was Kane, a boy I knew from my past. He had grown into a handsome man. He offered us a ride home, promising not to try anything. I was skeptical, remembering a similar line from a guy who had tried to attack me and some other girls from the group home when I was 14 years old. But Kane's charm and good looks persuaded me. As he dropped us at home, he asked me out His diamond earrings twinkling in the dim light. He was short, shorter than most, but he was cool and I was single and unattached. So I responded just chirp me. I gave him my next-to-chirp and he gave me his. That simple act marked the beginning of an erupting volcano that I was surely not prepared for. We had a seemingly good relationship for about seven months.
Speaker 1:At that time, my life was on the cusp of change. I had just moved into my own place, I was about to graduate high school and my foster mom who I consider super cool supported me every step of the way. Being 18, I saw myself as an adult, ready to take on the world. Kane's family welcomed me with open arms. His mother, carmen, genuinely liked me, while his father, rico, had a peculiar but cool demeanor. I never told Kane about my troubled family background, but I sensed that his dad had an inkling. He often probed me with questions about my family, mentioning that I looked familiar to him. It wasn't until after high school, however, that everything changed. Once I became pregnant with Kane's child, the entire demeanor shifted. The person I fell in love with seemed to vanish, replaced by someone controlling and territorial. I found myself having to move back in with my foster parents because I couldn't maintain employment While dealing with the emotional turmoil. Eventually, I managed to secure a paid internship with the Department of Family and Support Services, working both at the front desk and behind the scenes under Vanessa Rich. The job provided some financial stability and I willingly contributed to help Kane. However, he always seemed to have excuses for not sharing the profits, whether he claimed that the police confiscated the money during a traffic stop or that he'd lost it in a dice game. I knew deep down that he was lying, but questioning him was just out of the question. I would never risk it.
Speaker 1:Kane had already been physically abusive towards me, though he never resorted to punching me. Instead, he'd often resort to smacking me or violently throwing me to the ground. I suspected that he'd refrain from punching me because he feared the visible marks on my light complexion would expose his actions. Knowing that we had a baby on the way, I lived in constant fear and terror. I feared that if Kane didn't harm me, he would eventually hurt our child with his volatile temperament. Witnessing the destructive patterns my parents endured, as well as my father's struggles with other women, I desperately wanted to break free from that cycle. I refused to subject myself or my unborn child to such a life.
Speaker 1:One day, while Kane and I were together, we stopped at a gas station to refuel, and as he pumped the gas, his phone rang. It was another girl calling. But I never felt threatened by other women. So, answering the phone. The girls questioned my identity, to which I firmly replied that it was none of her business and that Kane was busy at the moment. Kane witnessed my conversation and threw a snid remark through the window at me, attempting to undermine me Literally. He know his words held no power over me, honey. I hung up on that girl as she yelled loudly through the phone Because one thing I know and two things for show, I got the power to hit the M button over here, okay.
Speaker 1:So when Kane returned to the car, he asked who called One of your little things? I responded not shallotly, his face twisted with anger as he sneered. So now you're jealous? In response, I erupted into uncontrollable laughter. Tears streamed out my face as I found his accusations utterly absurd Absolutely not. I managed to gasp between fits of laughter. I wouldn't care if you were with every chick in Chicago. It would matter to me one bit. I don't want you. My laughter filled the car, but little did I know it would trigger a terrifying sequence of events. Kane's rage ignited instantly and before I could even utter a response, he clenched my ponytail tightly around his fist, violently yanking me across the seats and out of the driver's side door. He began kicking me relentlessly, targeting my face, my stomach and even stomping on my head.
Speaker 1:We were on a desolate back road with no cars in sight nor any nearby houses. I screamed to the top of my lungs, hoping someone, anyone, would hear me intervene. Bitch, I'm sick of your lies. Do you think this is a game? Do you think you could just mess with other guys? Kane's voice seethed with anger. I couldn't understand where he got that idea from that. I had been unfaithful From the moment we started dating. My world revolved around him. When I wasn't by his side. I was either at home with my foster mom or at one of his family members' houses awaiting his arrival. Desperate for the assault to end, I pleaded for him to stop, but Kane showed no signs of relenting. I bet you that's not even my baby. So whoever baby it is, it's going to die.
Speaker 1:Today, in that moment of sheer terror, I just closed my eyes tightly and silently prayed to God for help. I pleaded for him to intervene and protect me from this horrific ordeal. Suddenly, a car appeared on the road. A lady and her young son, no older than 12, noticed a commotion and immediately stopped their car. Without hesitation, they leaped out and rushed to my aid. The sight of them filled me with a glimmer of hope. Perhaps God had hurt my desperate plea. Kane, realizing he was outnumbered, quickly jumped into his car and sped away, leaving me battered and bleeding. The kindhearted woman, shocked and concerned, immediately took me to the hospital. The man whose son, overwhelmed by the brutality he had just witnessed, broke down in tears. Their compassion and intervention reaffirmed my faith that there were still good people in the world and that I was not alone.
Speaker 1:At the hospital, it became clear that the consequences of Kane's violent outbursts were severe. The physical damage was apparent, but the emotional scars ran deep. Basically, I also discovered that I lost the baby I had been carrying for 11 weeks. The pain of that loss compounded the already overwhelmingly sense of devastation I felt, and as I lay in the hospital bed, broken and shattered, I couldn't help but wonder where my father was during all of this. Deep down, I knew I needed to reach him. He had always been a pillar of strength and I believe he would know what to do and say Along for his guidance and protection in this dark time.
Speaker 1:Despite the physical and emotional pain I was enduring, I found a new determination began to grow within me. I was no longer willing to accept abuse or living fear. I knew I had to find my father, to seek solace in his presence and find strength to break free from the toxic cycle I had found myself trapped in yet again. With the renewed sense of purpose, I made a vow to myself and to the child I had lost I would not allow their suffering to be in vain. I would fight for justice, healing and for a better future. And as I laid there longing for my father's presence, I whispered in an empty room when are you, daddy? I need you more now than I ever did.
Speaker 2:It's a sarcastic smile. Suspense now raised one of your eyebrows. You ask me if there's someone else. I reply to yes, hell yeah. You ask me if there's another man, I say. You laugh and say is it a woman? I say, surprisingly, you ask me for honey's name. And her name is me, and she loves me more than you'll ever know.
Speaker 2:And I finally see that loving you and loving me Just don't seem to work at all. So patiently she's waiting on me to tell you that she needs love and to choose between you two. Boy. You know, if I have to choose, I choose a me. And she told me to tell you you'd never to hurt me again, cause, if you haven't heard, she's a bad chick, even though I haven't been yet. And still you try and test me by raving an angry hand Put it down. Uh-uh, put it down. I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me.
Speaker 2:I'm late and she is waiting. My love for me is too much, so I can't stay. And her name is me and she loves me more than you'll ever know. And I finally see that loving you and loving me just don't seem to work at all. So patiently she's waiting on me to tell you that she needs love. And to choose between you two, boy, you know, if I have to choose, I choose, cause she's actually forming a threesome and I'm happy that I can't join them. And their names are me myself and I and her name is me. She loves me more than you'll ever know and finally see that loving you and loving me just don't seem to work at all. So patiently she's waiting on me to tell you that she needs love. And to choose between you two, boy, you know, if I have to choose, I choose on me. She's waiting on me to tell you that she needs love. So you gotta choose between you two. And you know, if I have to choose, I choose me. Me, I gotta go with you.
Speaker 1:And that will conclude this episode of Listen. Linda, I'm your host, jacqueline Cox. You can find me on Facebook. I'm putting it in a chat now under Jacqueline Cox with Two Eyes. If you would like to pre-order, mountains Can Rise with our earthquakes. Everything is on my Facebook page because, as you all know, we can't put websites in the chat. But you can find the book to pre-order at wwwyoungsaveleadersmyshopifycom or you can go to Facebook. The link is there on my page. I also am a co-author in the upcoming anthology. She said yes to herself, unapologetically. You can also pre-order your copy of that book that tells my story that goes more to depth of just loving yourself. There's some poetry in there and some self care tips as well. You can find that on the website as well. If you would like to promote your book, your brand, your business, on my show that's streamed on over 40 podcast platforms in over eight countries worldwide, so please send me a message on Facebook or on Instagram. My Instagram name is spiritualsunbeam2020,. I'm on LinkedIn as well as Jacqueline Cox.
Speaker 1:It's been a pleasure to have you guys here today to listen to some excerpts from my new book, listen to some poetry and just jam with your girl, because I've been on the roll with the songs. Now I've been on the roll, but I thank you guys for understanding the genre of music that has been played tonight. Although it's not all clean, it's a part of my story and I just thank everyone for tuning in and I'm going to end in prayer and with song, as usual. Dear Heavenly Father, as we come to the end of this episode of the Listen Linda podcast, we thank you for the opportunity to share my story, music and moments of reflection. I am grateful for the connections made, the hearts touched and the lives impacted through my platform that you have so graciously given me.
Speaker 1:God, lord, I ask that you continue to bless the listeners and me as well. As I use my voice to uplift and inspire. May I always remember the importance of authenticity, vulnerability and compassion in my storytelling. I cannot ask guests to come on my show and unpack their truth if I'm not willing to do it myself, father. So grant me wisdom and discernment as I plan my future episodes, seeking to bring hope, healing and encouragement to all who listen.
Speaker 1:Father, god, I thank you for the listeners who tuned in today, whether live or through this recording. I pray that the words spoken, the music played and the stories that I've shared with them would resonate deeply within their hearts, bring them comfort, inspiration and a renewed sense of purpose, but also a renewed and profound sense of who I am, because I have given full transparency in my story. Father, I ask that you will extend your love and grace to each person who participated in the episode, including guests, callers and those involved behind the scenes. May they be reminded of the impact that they have made and the importance of their contributions to my podcast.
Speaker 1:And, as I conclude, I surrender this show and all of its future episodes into your hands, god. May it continue to be a source of light, hope and encouragement in a world that often feels dark and uncertain. I pray that you will guide me, father, as the hosts, the guests and the listeners as they navigate their own journeys, reminded them that they are never alone. In the precious name of Jesus, we pray Father, amen. And that concludes this episode. You guys of Listen, linda, I'm going to end you in this with a few songs so you can hold on and listen to, and thank you guys so much for tuning in. Good night.
Speaker 2:There is no pain Jesus can't feel, no hurt he cannot heal. All things work according to His perfect will, no matter what you're going through. Remember God is using you, for the battle is not yours, it's the Lord. There's no sadness Jesus can't feel and there is no sorrow that he cannot heal. All things work according to the master's holy will, no matter what you're going through. Remember God is only using you, for this battle is not yours, it's the Lord. All things work according to the master's holy will. No matter what you're going through, remember God is only using you, no matter what you're going through. Remember God is only using you, no matter what you're going through. Remember God is only using you, for this battle is not yours, it's the Lord. The Lord is the only one who can fight it. He wants to use you as His vessel. Don't be over to Him. The battle is not yours, it's the Lord.
Speaker 2:I don't know how, but you did it. Made a way Standing here. I don't know how, but you did it. Made a way. Don't know how, but you did it. Made a way Standing here, not knowing how we'll get through this tough, but holding on to faith. You know best, nothing can catch you by surprise. You got this figured out. You're watching us now and when it looks as if we can't win, represent your armors of it and everything we need you to supply. You got this in control and now we know that you made a way.
Speaker 2:When our backs were getting to warm and it looked as if it was over you. You made a way and we're standing here Only to get you made a way. You made a way. Now we're here Looking back on where we've come from Because of you, and nothing when we've done To deserve the love and mercy you show. But your great work, strong enough to pick us up. And you made a way. When our backs were getting to warm and it looked as if it was over Lord, you made a way and we're standing here Only because you made a way. When our backs were getting to warm and it looked as if it was over Lord, you made a way and we're standing here Only because you made a way. And you moved mountains.
Speaker 2:You called walls to fall, with your power before me, recalls there is nothing that's impossible. And we're standing here Only because you made a way. You moved mountains, you called walls to fall, with your power before me, recalls there is nothing that's impossible. And we're standing here Only because you made a way. You moved mountains, you called walls to fall, with your power before me, recalls there is nothing that's impossible. And we're standing here Only because you made a way. And we're standing here Only because you made a way. You made a way, you made a way, you made a way, you made a way, you made a way, you made a way, you made a way, and I don't know why. You made a way. You made a way, you made a way. Over and over and over and over and over. You keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on, no, no, no. And we're standing here Only because you made, and we're standing here Only because you made a way. And we're standing here Only because you made.
Speaker 2:You moved mountains, you moved mountains, you moved mountains, you moved mountains. You called walls to fall, you called walls to fall. And you call a train to break? Hey, you call a train to break? Hey, you call a train to break, hey. You call another monster to break, hey, and giant fall, hey, giant fall, giant fall, giant fall. Cause you move mountains, hey, you move mountains, and everything is easy for you Cause you move. Hey, yes, you move mountains. Mountains are moving, mountains are moving, mountains are moving, mountains are moving and strongholds are breaking. Now, strongholds are breaking. Now Strongholds are breaking. Now Strongholds are breaking Cause you move mountains. You call the world to form. With your power, with your power, hey, with your power, perform me, recall, perform me, recall, perform me recall, perform me. My dust is freezing, my dust is leaving.