Today we have the privilege of hosting none other than Dr. Velma Bagby, the author of 'The Wrong Catch.' With her unique approach to storytelling, Bagby masterfully weaves important life lessons into her narratives, teaching readers to identify their own lives within the stories and inciting critical life changes. This episode is sure to inspire as we discuss not only Bagby's fascinating journey to writing but also her insights on the importance of understanding self-worth through the lens of God's eyes.
We delve into the heart of Bagby's latest book 'She'll Tear Down the House' discussing how to balance ministry, family, and writing. Bagby provides practical strategies for maintaining a healthy balance, prioritizing marriage and family over ministry and other responsibilities. She also shares how the song “When a Man Loves a Woman” encapsulates the themes of her book.
In this intriguing conversation, we navigate through the complex world of Bagby's characters, uncover the impact of past traumas on their relationships, and the consequences of ignoring red flags. Drawing upon the song 'Heartbreak Hotel,' we illuminate the psychological turmoil suffered by those in the clutches of a narcissistic partner and the pathway to healing through self-reflection. Whether single, in a relationship, or married, this episode is brimming with invaluable insights to guide you in your journey of personal growth.
Today we have the privilege of hosting none other than Dr. Velma Bagby, the author of 'The Wrong Catch.' With her unique approach to storytelling, Bagby masterfully weaves important life lessons into her narratives, teaching readers to identify their own lives within the stories and inciting critical life changes. This episode is sure to inspire as we discuss not only Bagby's fascinating journey to writing but also her insights on the importance of understanding self-worth through the lens of God's eyes.
We delve into the heart of Bagby's latest book 'She'll Tear Down the House' discussing how to balance ministry, family, and writing. Bagby provides practical strategies for maintaining a healthy balance, prioritizing marriage and family over ministry and other responsibilities. She also shares how the song “When a Man Loves a Woman” encapsulates the themes of her book.
In this intriguing conversation, we navigate through the complex world of Bagby's characters, uncover the impact of past traumas on their relationships, and the consequences of ignoring red flags. Drawing upon the song 'Heartbreak Hotel,' we illuminate the psychological turmoil suffered by those in the clutches of a narcissistic partner and the pathway to healing through self-reflection. Whether single, in a relationship, or married, this episode is brimming with invaluable insights to guide you in your journey of personal growth.
Welcome, welcome, welcome. We all know what time it is. You all know what time it is. This is the Listen Linda Show, and today we have special guest, dr Velma Bagby, and she's going to be speaking on her new book called the Wrong Catch. She'll tear down the house Now. In this book and in this show we're going to specifically be talking about the narc women of this catch series. So before we get started y'all know how I do Give me three minutes and we're going to get right to it. Yes, that was worldwide woman, and today we are speaking about the narc women of the catch series and we have Ms Dr Velma Bagby in the building. Dr Velma, how are you today, hey?
Speaker 1:host with the mostest. I'm so excited to be with you today.
Speaker 2:I'm excited too. I'm so excited Y'all know how I do. I got to play my Beyonce worldwide woman. That's my new anthem, because I'm a worldwide woman. Amen, amen. I'm so globally. By the grace of God. Now, before we get started, I definitely got to come in with prayer today, and it's going to be strong. But instead of me saying a prayer, I would love for Dr Velma to bring us in with prayer.
Speaker 1:Of course, heavenly Father, we thank you for this anointed platform. We thank you for every door that you have opened to make it exist and to maintain it. God, even when one door closes, you will open a new one, and we thank you for guiding and leading the host, god, and leading her to the people that need to be on the platform, rejecting those that do not need to be there with unapologetically. Lord God, thank you for anointing her household, her home, her family, her children, and we just pray that you continue to lead and guide her in every way, lord God, that this door will open up opportunities for people to hear some things that they that will help them to make right choices in life, that would help them on their journey. God, we just say thank you for everything you're doing in the life of the host and everything you're doing through this platform. In Jesus' name, we thank you. Amen.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for that, dr Velma. I truly, truly appreciate you bringing in prayer today. Now, are you ready, because I got questions.
Speaker 1:Oh, I know how you're going to do it. I'm ready, okay.
Speaker 2:Now as a war-winning author of Christian fiction and nonfiction. What inspired you to pursue writing as a means to share God's life change and truths Like how do you believe storytelling can impact readers on a deeper level compared to other forms of communication?
Speaker 1:Well, to be honest with you, I've been writing most of my career. That's what I did as a deputy administrator working for the state of California. My job was to write. I was designing and developing programs, designing training, developing opportunities for job seekers. I was always writing and so, as a result of that, when I retired in 2012, I thought that was time for me to put my pen down, my creative juices down.
Speaker 1:Even in church, as a young believer, I was writing programs and skits and plays and having a ball with our young people. But when I retired, I thought that was all I was supposed to do, until I felt led by and encouraged by my two daughters to write our first book, which is based on our conversations about men, and that's what began my journey to do this and I just believe that becoming a storytelling. And it took me some time to understand where I'm supposed to be, what genre to write in, understanding the language of publishing, all of that. It took me some time to discover and understand and I thought that first book, which was a Christian nonfiction book, would be it. But as a result, I'm now on the 17th book, thanks to the recent project of the. She said yes yourself on a apologetically project, so I'm grateful for what I was able to do In this series. The reason I switched to Christian nonfiction was to ensure that I can write in a way that it wasn't just for believers. It was intended to be for those who may not understand what God had originally designed for them or gifted them through his word, and so I wanted to figure out a way to present storytelling in a way that will help people to discover themselves in the stories, find something that would be considered great nuggets for them to take away from it, or even look at some possibilities of making some changes in their own lives based on the storytelling. And so, as a result, I have found my home in Christian contemporary fiction.
Speaker 1:I love writing the way that Jesus wrote the parables. People assume that there's no fiction in scripture, but it is in the parables. He used those for that very reason. He didn't hit people on the side of the head with what they were doing and what they need to do better. He simply told the story, allowed them to discover themselves in the story and, as a result, built into the story which were things they could do to change, just like the people in the story change and so he left it up to them at the end. And that's why I love about storytelling and I can say yes, because I'm already getting responses from folks who gave the book to someone in a toxic relationship. The example of the puffer fish in one book. Someone else in the dating process said they can now recognize some of the characteristics of some of the wrong fish that I talk about. They saw a catfish, they met a sturgeon, all of that, and so it's all coming to life and I'm so grateful that it's resonating with people.
Speaker 2:Phenomenal answer, and you know how I feel about it. I talk about it every time, even if you're not on the show. If you're on the show, I'm speaking about this book because it truly, truly changed just my perception of everything as far as male and female and the characteristics that we tend to have, with some red flags that we tend to overlook or just try to hide and cover. With over 30 years of experience counseling and coaching singles, what are some key insights and wisdom that you have gained when it comes to healthy relationships and marriage, and how do you navigate the ups and downs of your or how does you and Pastor navigate your own ups and downs within your 48 years of marriage? Like, what advice do you have for couples seeking a long, lasting, fulfilling partnership?
Speaker 1:Okay, You're going to have to go back over that first question because I have to write down the second question.
Speaker 2:Okay, so the first question was what are some key insights and wisdom that you have gained when it comes to healthy relationships and how do you navigate the ups and downs of your 48? Well, it's about to be 50 year marriage. How do you navigate that? Yeah, what advice do you have for couples that are seeking that same long, lasting, fulfilling partnership?
Speaker 1:It goes back to kind of the focus of all of the books and the stories when I address the importance of a woman understanding who she is and who God has called her to be, understanding her worth and you and I talked about self-awareness the other day and the importance of knowing who she is based on what he says, because there's so many lies in this world that a woman can believe about herself, which makes her vulnerable and opens up doors to those kind of things that can happen to her that we hope would not happen, but it does. Our other book is full of examples of that, and so I think what's important is, to begin with, making sure we rush too quickly into relationships. Especially if you're interested in marrying or discovering who your mate is, we rush too quickly. This is a process that requires that you examine the person that you're thinking of becoming your mate, but you also have to wait until you're able to make sure that you're presenting the best version of yourself to him, and that's one thing that we fail to do. We don't put in the work, we don't let go of the baggage that we've collected over the years from bad relationships, from being hurt, those bad experiences. All of that has to be laid aside. Experiences that we had growing up in our home, our home life, our neighborhood, whatever those the old church, the experience there because people experience church hurt, all of that stuff we lug around and drag around, and yet that person is standing there hoping to find a mate or someone that would marry them. Well, it's wrong. You have to deal with those issues first and make sure that you're addressing what needs to be fixed and addressing your life so that God can help you to prepare yourself for the man God has for you.
Speaker 1:Don't be that one who's like the rotten apple, the apple with a rotten spot, and God can bring the perfect mate to cross your path. And because you have a rotten spot, you get in the bowl and he's got, he's a clean apple. You get next to him and before you know it, he's no longer a clean apple, he's rotten too. So you have to make sure that you are preparing yourself purposely so that you are presenting the best version of yourself, and that means getting rid of the junk, getting rid of the lug, the weight, getting rid of the stuff you've been dragging around and making sure that you're presenting yourself in a way that you first love God, which is what he requires, then you love yourself. And if you can't even get to number two, then you're not ready for the third thing. The third thing says then love others. Well, if you can't even love you, then you're already off track and you must get yourself in order in that way. And then you said those were my key insights. I always begin with that.
Speaker 1:The other thing that I talk about is the importance of understanding what marriage is, so that you're prepared when you get there and therefore you're not caught off guard. Because the moment you enter into a relationship with another person, especially if you're planning to have a godly marriage, god knows that the moment you follow his instructions to become one and to operate in unity, to operate as if you're one unit, not two and it takes work to learn how to do that that the minute you do that, you have to understand who the enemy of your marriage will be. It's the same enemy to your soul and you have to understand that that thing will come attacking your marriage and your relationship and your home. And if you don't know who your real enemy is, if you don't know that that enemy will slide under the door, who slide into your DM, slide on your Facebook, slide in your messenger and, all of a sudden, that enemy has entered your home. You have to know how to shut that enemy down and get them out of your marriage life, and that's one tool that I teach in the very beginning. A woman who is ready to marry must learn how to be a woman of prayer, because prayer is also part of your warfare. You have to know how to pray for your maid, pray for your marriage, and make sure that you are aware of who your true enemy is, because even when my husband and I we have a little difficulty, we try to remember that we're not enemies to each other, and so we try to focus on who the real enemy is.
Speaker 1:What is the source of this disruption that has just come into our house? And usually the source of the disruption, it's not flesh and blood. So, therefore, you cannot fight it the way we would normally fight it. You can't close the door on it, but you have to go into warfare to get it out of there, and so that's something I would say even in the marriage that my husband and I have had. We're looking at 50 years come February and, yes, we've been blessed and I'm thankful for that, and so when I did not know where God was leading me with carrying this message to others, that was the one thing I was reminded of is that I've been blessed with this many years. People have asked us how did you do it, what do you do? And I realized that I'm supposed to share it, I'm supposed to help others, I'm supposed to pour that wisdom into others, and I hope that I'm doing that in my writing.
Speaker 2:You absolutely are. You doing it in your writing and your writing is your ministry. I truly, truly believe that. I truly truly believe that. And as a pastor's wife, a mother and a grandmother, how do you balance your roles and roles and responsibilities with church, family and your writing career? What are some strategies you have found effective in nurturing your own faith while supporting your loved ones and fulfilling your ministry? Column.
Speaker 1:One of the first things I always remember is marriage is a mandate, so I'm not looking to have something to interfere with that. It doesn't matter about ministry, my calling, my assignment at the church. My marriage is a ministry too, and so it's also my mandate to make sure I'm cultivating, just like you would do with any plant or garden. You cultivate, making sure the sunshine gets to it, making sure that you're pouring in love, making sure you're doing that. So we have to always remember where our priority lies. And even though there's a board that governs the church, the board does not govern your life. Even if you have a position in the church, that church board does not govern your life. It is the mandate that God has set that we should keep as a priority. So I try to balance it out with those priorities in that order.
Speaker 1:Riding becomes secondary to what I have to do in my marriage, in my home.
Speaker 1:It becomes secondary, and so therefore, I know that I am responsible to God for what he's given me to do, as my assignment in ministry, as you said, but at the same time, my home takes a priority, my husband and my family takes a priority, takes priority as well. So I just balance it in that way I try to not over exert myself, spend more than enough time at the computer or whatever I'm doing to work on what I have to work on, and sometimes I give myself permission to set it aside so that I can deal with or at least give my family, my home, some attention. And so that's what's important. The balance comes by putting everything in the order that it should be in. My ministry never takes priority over my family, my home life. It never does, and so I make sure that the strategies I use is to put those things in order. So if I know that when it comes time, when I'm running out of time to address all of them, then I know which one takes the priority. Everything else has to wait.
Speaker 2:And that is something that I've been myself been kind of struggling with, Like how do I balance everything, because it can get overwhelming. So I appreciate that and we're going to go to the first song and then after that we'll be back with more questions for Dr V.
Speaker 4:I can't keep his mind on nothing else. He changed the world for the good thing he's found. If she is bad, he can see it. She can do no wrong. Turn it back on his best friend if he put her down. When I'm made of the woman, spending fairness or death time to hold on to what he needs, he gave up all his comforts and sleep out in the rain. If she said that's the way it ought to be when we're made of the woman, I can't do anything else right here. Time to hold on to your life right now. Baby, please don't treat me bad. When I'm made of the woman, don't even listen. She can bring him such misery. If she's bad, he's a far off fool. He's the last one to know. Love in eyes can never see. When I'm made of the woman, we can do no wrong. He can never hold on to the woman. Yes, we're in a man.
Speaker 2:We're in a man, Come baby, baby, baby. We're in a man. When a man loves a woman, tell me what you think about that, Dr Via. How does that song resonate with your book? She'll Tell Down the House.
Speaker 1:I was laughing over here when I started hearing that song, because it's so on point in the truth of what it says about. When a man falls in love, the man he describes as a man who's prepared to do all that he's been charged to do for the wife he finds. That's one of the things that I talk about with women is that it's the man who finds you, not you go after him. When a man finds a wife, and there's something about that process if you take that away from him, you'll leave him questioning, the entire time he's with you, whether or not he missed out on the one he should have chosen, because you chose him in that relationship. So you have to be very careful.
Speaker 1:The other thing that I thought about, too, was the fact that this man, although he has his role correct when it talked about the fact that he'll see no wrong, he'll make sure that she's provided for him, he'll go without to make sure that she has everything she needs. The fact that he will turn his back on a friend and I thought about one example of that is a friend that mistreats his wife. That was one of the things the song said and that's absolutely true. If you can't respect the wife. A husband has to say okay, man, you have to go because you mistreated my wife, he provides for her and he'll give up all his comfort for her. The problem with that kind of man although he's the perfect kind of guy a woman would want to look for.
Speaker 1:In the book, all of the women except for one got that kind of a man, but they were wrong, they were treacherous, and so these men in the book missed out on the cues that told them this was the wrong, these were the wrong women, and so I love the fact that the song describes the perfect way a man should respond to his wife. However, when he got to the point where he was talking about the fact that he didn't see any wrong, then that means that he ignored the red flags and fell in love anyway. So that's what the men in the book that's coming out. That's what they did. They fell in love with the wrong women.
Speaker 2:Yes, that was the part I was waiting on you to say. It was like he was doing good. But a good woman would, first, would not put you in those type of situations where you would even have to make that type of choice and to say that she would do no wrong, like you know, like that means that, like you said, he closes ass to anything that she's doing and he's just allowing her to do that, which brings me to questions. Now you have the queen bee, and she is portrayed as someone who initially lied about her ability to cook and relied on friends to prepare her meals for her. How do you think this aspect of a character adds depth to her story? Can you elaborate on the journey she undergoes in learning to cook and how it impacts her growth as a person?
Speaker 1:Well, I was taught along to that you never allow any other woman to cook for your husband. There's a lot of things that can happen in that food and there's a lot of things that can go wrong in that behavior. And if you don't have the sense to even pull out a cookbook, even if you can't pull out a cookbook and try to figure out the recipes to cook for your husband, then you've got a problem. Because there is something to that old saying that a man loves a woman that can cook. And I added this, developed this character based on the interviews I did with men in preparation for this book. I interviewed men godly men, tell me about the challenges you've had in the dating world. And that title, the Microwave Woman, came from one of the guys who responded to me. He said you need to talk about the microwave woman, the women who think everything has to go in the microwave and doesn't want to cook. And I thought what in the world is going on? And so I built her character around that and around some of the things the men said. That's where this character, how this character, was born.
Speaker 1:She didn't not only know how to cook, but she actually lied about the process, tried to fool the man by bringing in food that her friends have cooked, and I remember in one part, when he figured it out, he told her well then, I should have married one of your friends. And my mother used to tell me you know, mabel next door will climb the fence with a plate for your husband if you're not going to fix one for him. But not only that, these women out there will slip something in there, cause your husband to turn his attention to them. So you have to be very careful. I know that even with pastor, we would go in fellowship at other churches and sometimes if they serve a meal afterwards I don't eat everybody's cooking on purpose, but if they serve a meal and there was something my husband wanted, sometimes a person would come over Is there anything you need? Past a bagby, and I said and I would respond, I'll get it for him. And that's what I would always do. I would check with my husband to see what he wanted and then I would go and get it for him. I wouldn't allow anybody else to fix it.
Speaker 1:It's just about principle. It's about being careful and guarding what's out there, because a lot of women don't realize there are a lot of women who don't care about you and could care less what you feel and will do whatever they can to get to your husband. So I love the fact that this character was born out of that survey I did with men to have them tell me what were some of the challenges, and when they began to tell me, this character came to light the fact that she lied about being able to cook. She didn't know how to clean, she didn't know how to take care of all the children. She agreed with him to have a lot of children. I think that's what caught his attention that she was the first woman he dated that agreed that she would love to have a lot of children, which is what he wanted, but she never told him she didn't know how to take care of any of them, and so that's what happened in her story.
Speaker 2:Look, I was just over here laughing. I had to put it on mute because it just brought me back to a time when I remember me and my husband when our first move. Then we had guest over and we were in the back right, we was on the patio and we were back there and, of course, you know, he had his little drink and I had mine and we was chilling, Everything was cool. So his brother's friend, she goes in the house and gets him something and then she come back and say, hey, do you want me to get you about saying he don't need no beer from you? I will get the beer. He don't need no beer. No, you cannot.
Speaker 2:And do you know, I lost a friend behind that because it was another one of my friends say, oh, you, I'm gonna come over your house one weekend and cook dinner for you and your husband. And they say you were not. You were not cooking nothing in my kitchen for me and my husband and I lost a friend.
Speaker 2:We stopped being friends. What long time because of that? Because it's like no, you're not gonna come cook nothing in my kitchen for me and my husband. No, you will not. And even like, even when we was dating, one girl was like oh, do you want? I know? No, he don't need to get nothing for whatever he gonna get. If he don't like my cooking, that he can cook. You ain't getting, at least I'm gonna get there.
Speaker 1:We we eliminate a lot of folks who were calling themselves our friends. The same for the same reason.
Speaker 2:Exactly, exactly, and that's why she is long gone. But back back to the baby, the other girl, the other girl that was with my brother and law he she dismissed to. So back on and move on, baby I do.
Speaker 1:That's why I'm trying to take.
Speaker 2:Let's get back to this queen bee. Well, herself the queen be, so she also. Okay, we got to that. So how do these challenges shape her character? As far as her not knowing how to clean her, knowing how to clean house and care for her children, how does these challenges shape her character and contribute to the overall things that are explored, the book explored in the book? Can you discuss the transformation she undergoes, that she should undergo, and developing these skills and the impact it would have on her relationship and her personal development?
Speaker 1:Well, she definitely can easily change things and turn things around for her husband and her life if she chooses to, because there are plenty of how to books, plenty of how to places and training and classes for her to take If that's what she chooses. But I do know that you know, if I don't know what made her think that she can do she can lie and cheat and keep all of this from her husband the entire time that they were married, but she couldn't. And so when he finally noticed all of that, he had to bring it out and come to, and it had to come to life. She not only used the friends, but she also used take out, and before he got home she put it on on the plate, on the table and made it look like she had prepared everything. But he said that he it has to come clean about it.
Speaker 1:They could have worked on something early on, but what he did not like was the fact that she was being dishonest, and I think that's something important. We have to remember that she lied about it and what he had to do at the end because they had children. I think by this time when he discovered that she's into five kids, and I think that's when it really started to show, in terms of the house, how the house was not being kept, how the kids were not being taken care of well, how the food was not getting done and how she was going to the microwave for everything, including what she gave the children. I think that's when it became relevant to him that this was not working. They talked about it, she admitted what she had done and he was committed to trying to work things out with them, and that's what he attempted to do in this, in this story.
Speaker 3:I think that's when it started to show in terms of the house.
Speaker 4:I think that's when it started to show in terms of the house, I met my baby's love. I took this man's love and put it on the shelf and, like a fool, I thought I had him all to myself when he needed love. I was out having fun, but I found out that all I had done was made it easy for the clean up woman to get my man's love. Yeah, that's what I did. I made it easy for the clean up woman to steal my baby's love. The clean up woman will wipe his blues away. She'll give him plenty love in 24 hours a day. The clean up woman she'll sweep him off his feet. She's the one who'll take him in when you dump him in the street. Take a tip you better get help to the clean up woman because she's tough. I mean, she really cleans up.
Speaker 2:Clean up woman. The clean up woman, dr B, tell me how that song relates to the narc women of the catch series you had me hollering over here.
Speaker 1:When I was listening to the words I said that whole song describes the antelope character. She's the one who worked nights, she's the one that provides when nobody else will. And I remember in one section of the beginning of the conference, when Pastor Grayson talked to the men about what they should expect, he talked a little bit about that and the fact that it's important to make sure that you're preparing yourself to pick the right kind of woman and that you're paying attention to the red flags. Right after that thought, my thought fell on the antelope, the character of the antelope and how she satisfies the need of men at night, and her husband didn't know what she was doing. And then also, pastor Grayson talks about the growing business in every city that's growing because of what the men are doing. They're leaving home and going there to be satisfied. So that's pretty much the way it is right now, when you don't know how to deal with some of the issues and problems that you have at home.
Speaker 2:Get into the antelope, since you brought her up and I got questions but I was going to leave her for the end, but you brought her up, so let's talk about the antelope. The antelope is described as someone who dresses like a church girl but secretly engages in extramarital affairs. Can you discuss the reasons behind her double life and the conflicts she faces in reconciling her public image with her hidden desires? How does this internal struggle impact her relationship, particularly with her husband, and what consequences does she fear if her secret is revealed?
Speaker 1:What's interesting about her is she didn't apologize whatsoever. She didn't apologize for what she chose to do at night. She never changed who she was just because the man fell in love with her. She looked like a church girl, she dressed like a church girl, but she was not a golly woman at all. She had been this way all her life, even as a teenager. This is what she did.
Speaker 1:Now, what this man didn't know was this was the life that she had the entire time, because he met her when they were young. They lived in the same neighborhood and he used to, because his parents were so strict with him he didn't go outside often, so he would play a lot in his window, and in the window was this antelope character as a young girl. And so they became friends that way, because they would play around in the window with each other. And, of course, the moment he was, he finished college, got his job, the moment he got to a place that he could now pick a wife for himself. Who did he think about? But the young girl he saw in the window. What he didn't not know was there were two houses. Well, he was familiar with the fact that his parents were strict because there were two houses in their neighborhood that they wanted to keep their son away from. One house was where there were women and young girls for whoever wanted to go in and spend time with them. The other house was a drug dealer's house. He was familiar with all of that.
Speaker 1:What he did not know was a young woman. As she became a teen, she started hanging out at that house and so, as a result, she never left. She continued to work there. When he met her, he thought she was a good person because all he had was the memories of her in his childhood. So he gravitated towards her and he asked her to marry him. She was shocked because no one had ever done that. Because of the life that she had, she did not expect that and thought this was something interesting and different, that she would try it. She never said what type of work she did at night and never gave him any indicators of what she did, until he decided to take a trip one night at what she did, and that's when he discovered it.
Speaker 2:I want you to get too far into it. I didn't want you to get too far into it. But the antelope, she's living a life of deception, engaging in infidelity while maintaining this facade of a faithful wife.
Speaker 1:And had made no apologies about it.
Speaker 2:She was proud of what she did no apologies about it. We want you to let that be clear. Can you delve into the emotional and psychological complexities of her character, and how does she justify her actions?
Speaker 1:She felt like it was her choice. She grew up feeling like she was needed by doing what she was doing, that she was providing a service that wasn't being provided in the homes of these men. She felt like that was her calling and that's what she enjoyed doing. She felt like, by providing this kind of satisfaction that they couldn't get at home, she was providing a service. So that's why she didn't apologize.
Speaker 1:And I thought about the fact that this character, even though she felt so proud of what she did, she didn't reveal it to her husband. So there had to have been something about her that she didn't want to tell him, because she knew that if he knew what truly who she was thinking that she was a church girl that he wouldn't stay. And that's exactly what happened. He did not have the tools to really scrutinize the woman he was to marry, to marry. All he had were the memories he remember of this young woman, young girl, when they were growing up, and that was a mistake on his part that he never took the time to really examine who she was, and so her psyche basically was she was groomed to be who she was, to the point where she was satisfied with providing a service that she felt was not provided at home, and she felt like she was the answer to all of that, and that's why she enjoyed what she did.
Speaker 4:I understand sex is irrelevant, just a game in my head. I'm playing and I'm winning. Oh, I broke another hundred days, oh, and I didn't care. I didn't want to wait. Yeah, yeah, cause one. They think they love me, but I love one more. I love one more, yeah, yeah, I never want to kill the other one. Yeah, yeah, cuz they think I love me. Love them out, love them out. I need an other one to get over the other one. They are way from a car. They are wonderful. Oh, these men say you bet, want me like a rat. I'm contending, not giving my best. I can't say you understand, sex is irrelevant, just a game I had in play. And when, oh, I broke another heart today, oh, and I didn't care, I just walked away, cause they think I love her, but I love her more. Love her more. Yeah, yeah, I need another one to kill her. Well, the other one, number one. Yeah, yeah, cause they think I love her, but I love her more. Love her more. Yeah, yeah, I need another one to kill her.
Speaker 4:Well, the other one, number one. Yeah, yeah, maybe one day I'll settle down, but for now I'll just play around and I make her mean. That's how I get her, make her more beautiful, and then I forget her. So I want her, I keep her lighted up and I help them up, cause they think I love her, but I love her more. Love her more. Yeah, yeah, I need another one to kill her. Well, the other one number one yeah, yeah, cause they think I love her but I love her more. Love her more. Yeah, yeah, I need another one to kill her. Well, the other one number one yeah, yeah, uh-uh.
Speaker 2:Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. Love Amaw by Kaye Michelle. Tell me what you think about that song. How does it relate to that specific chapter about the antelope in the book?
Speaker 1:I was thinking about the antelope as the song was playing when she talked about I think I love them all, but she doesn't understand what the definition of love is. And then she says they think I love them, but I love them all, and then she says I need another one going. Oh my gosh. That is definitely the description of the antelope. She cannot let go of the life that she had, and that was determination that she had. She loved what she did because she felt like she was providing a service. The song sounds like it was all about connecting and just enjoying herself, but in this particular case, the antelope does enjoy what she does with men, but she felt like she was providing a service that they were not getting at home, and that's the problem.
Speaker 2:I agree. She said she need another one to get over the other one, and another one, and another one. I was like who? Jesus, please fix it for this lady. She lost her bridges, but that's.
Speaker 1:Right, and that's the problem. Men have trouble finding the right man too, and that's what this book is about the wrong ones that they found.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the wrong ones, like the Firefly Femme Fatale. Now this one is described as narcissistic and her toxic behavior is attributed to the pain from her first marriage. How does her past trauma shape her controlling nature and affect her relationship with others?
Speaker 1:Well, the thing about the Firefly Femme was the fact that she had a lot of aggressive behavior. She was aggressive only after she married the person. She never saw that side of her and the fact that she had a first marriage that everybody in town had heard about, but she had filed a police report against him for abuse. So everyone assumed that the reason she broke up in her first marriage was because of the husband, but it turns out it wasn't. It was because of her. She was the abuser, and that's another thing that happens. Now.
Speaker 1:Women quickly try to file a report against the guy, assuming that they will have the upper hand. We've seen it recently with a celebrity involved, and so that's what she tried to do at first. So she was really aggressive. And the other thing that's interesting about her personality she was not only aggressive but she tried to make sure that whatever argument they had that she twisted it around to make it seem as if the husband was the problem and not her. She was always initiating the fighting and disruptions that they had in their marriage and then initiating the arguments, but as the aggressor she was like six feet tall and her husband was five-eight, so she was really shocked one day when she tried to be aggressive again and he actually lifted her up off the floor. I don't think she thought that he could do that, but he did and it was actually at the turning point of their relationship.
Speaker 1:But she's definitely someone who creates pain and wanted to be in charge. But she's an abuser and she hid behind the fact that, because she filed that police report on her first husband, she was hiding behind that, making everybody else believe that it wasn't her. So she always accused her husband of being unfaithful. She was very curious about his whereabouts, all of that. She just was not settled. She was not satisfied in her marriage and she couldn't be because she was always very, I guess, controlling it's the best word I can find right now. She's very controlling. She wanted to know about his whereabouts, who he was with, all of it, and so that's why she became one of the dark women, because her behavior was very narcissistic, very controlling and very toxic.
Speaker 2:And master manipulative too, from what I saw, Very master manipulative and yes. So the character yeah, okay, accusing being unfaithful. Can you discuss the impact of her unresolved past on her ability to trust him and form healthy relationships, and how does this dynamic influence the narrative and contribute to the overall themes of the book?
Speaker 1:Remember I was saying earlier that it's important for us to lay aside every way and in every story you'll see where, first of all, that the men in the story did not do their due diligence to really examine these women better the same kind of message we talked about in book one and book three for the women.
Speaker 1:Women used to be better at it. We examined men better. Back in the day we got bad and lost that ability somehow and need to bring it back. And so in the book in book one and three that's what I talked about for the women go back to being how we used to be and really examining the heart and the core of that man and really doing that. Men have always been bad at it and every now and then they hit right. They get it right. Thankfully, some men do try to examine the heart of the woman to see who she really is. But in every case of these stories these men did not and they were caught off guard, thinking they had found the right one, and they hadn't. And these women were good at hiding some of these things in the beginning, only to unleash it on the man after they married them. And that was the fault of the man not really being very careful with examining who they are, and even in this story, it was interesting how she was in the beginning, you know, being a narcissistic woman. Most people talk about men who are narcissistic, but very few people talk about narcissistic women. But they're out there, and so that's why there's at least four characters that's in that category the narc women. And so the firefly does that, and the firefly basically has the behavior of the aggressor, the abuser. A firefly will kill its mate when it mates. This is the actual firefly, and so this is what the woman does, with how she tears down her husband, where we're called to build up and support and cover our husbands just like they cover us.
Speaker 1:She wasn't. She always was always negative, accusatory. She just stirred up. There was no peace for this man, and in many cases, many of the men who were sharing their stories will tell how most of them will work extra hours to avoid going home for that reason, and so this is another one of those cases where the man was just.
Speaker 1:He had to tell the story and stand before other men to explain how he got into this mess and what happened with this woman and how he discovered that she came in with baggage. She was broken in the very beginning and he just did not pick it up. And that's what I say about letting go of those past hurts and experiences, because if you don't hurt people, hurt people, and that's what she did. She turned around and used what she did in the first marriage again in this one. So she has a narcissism is a condition that has to be has to. You know, a person has to go through some mental illness. They have to go through counseling and if they don't get the help for it and continue to operate this way, they can be very difficult and dangerous people.
Speaker 4:Oh, I can't believe you had the nerve to say the things you said. They hurt so bad that they ended our relationship. I can't believe it. Four years go Down a train how I wish things would have happened so differently. I tried to save as many times but still you couldn't see. You kept insisting and resisting that you would not fall again. And now you're trying to tell me that you're sorry and you're trying to come back home. You're telling me you really need me, crying, begging, both knees are on the floor. But, baby, yeah, don't want to try to want to try to want to try no more. You keep insisting when you know our love is out the door. Don't want to try to want to try because all we do is fight and say the things I've heard so bad, too way we both begin to cry. Don't want to try to want to try about your sad enough. It's been a rough road. Maybe just let it go.
Speaker 4:Don't want to try to want to try.
Speaker 4:Don't want to try no more. Tell me what's the use of holding on when all we do is hurt our love? You and I had many conversations on the telephone Talks about one day we're having a place of our own, wake up in the morning and have breakfast ready on the table. But all of that just seems so far away from me. I have to wake up, face reality. It all just seems too good to be true. After all, you put me through and now you're trying to tell me that you're sorry and you're trying to come back home. You're telling me you really need me, crying, begging, for these are on the floor but, baby, don't want to try to want to try to want to try no more.
Speaker 4:You keep insisting when you know our love is out the door. Don't want to try to want to try because all we do is fight and say the things I've heard so bad. Too way we both begin to cry. Don't want to try to want to try about just having love. It's been a long road. Maybe just let it go. Don't want to try to want to try. Don't want to try no more. Tell me what's the use of holding on when all we do is hurt our love? No, wanna try, no more. Don't want to try no more. Don't want to try no more. Don't want to try no more. I wanna try to. I wanna try to move on. Oh, oh, oh.
Speaker 2:Dr V. What do you think about that song? How does it relate to some of the men and the way that they react in the book?
Speaker 1:Yeah, some of the men did give up after the experiences that they had and didn't want to try anymore to discover and find a mate for themselves. They were satisfied in just completing their lives with serving God in some capacity at their local church, while others went into therapy. Some had sessions with Pastor Grayson to get themselves ready, because after each story Grayson began to tell the men what mistakes were made so they can do better if they plan to try again. Because the whole idea it reminds me of when I kept hearing the words don't wanna try, no more. It reminds me of how we can release words in our atmosphere and those words will take effect. And so that's why we have to be careful. When we decree a thing, god will back us up.
Speaker 1:And so I remember the story when Jericho was destroyed and Joshua said no one was ever to rebuild it again and if they did try, their oldest son would die. And by the time they lifted up the gates he said all the children would be dead. And I remember, several hundred years later a guy did try. I was trying to find it, but I couldn't find it, so don't quote me. But years later someone did make an attempt to rebuild, and those words that curse hung in the atmosphere. And just as God had instructed Joshua to say that man's firstborn son died and the rest of his children passed away as well, so it's the same thing with us. We release in our atmosphere those decorations that we believe in God to do, and so when a person says, I don't wanna try anymore, it's gonna take a lot for them to turn things around, only by the grace of God can they do that. But we have to be careful that we make sure that we take the right approach with discovering the make that God has for us, because it doesn't matter who you get.
Speaker 1:In many of these cases these guys did not ask God for his opinion, they didn't ask for wisdom, they didn't ask for confirmation nothing. And God can't bless what you didn't invite a man to be a part of in the first place, and so that's why a lot of my conversation is about what you do before you get married. Many of us had to fix many of these things after we married, my husband and I. We hit a rough patch at 15 years in, and we had to go back and deal with the baggage that we didn't get a chance to deal with before we got married, which is why I talked to women about that early on. Deal with the baggage first and it'll save you a lot of trouble that can happen later on.
Speaker 1:So remember your words, the hanging, the atmosphere, a person who says I don't want to try, I'm not gonna do it, I don't know how they're gonna live. I guess they're making a decision to live alone. But it also requires that you make sure that you're in prayer and asking God to be a part of this process the entire time. None of these men did, with exception maybe the last one, and I can't tell you that story, but you have to read the book. But I just want you to know that you have to learn to keep God in the process, keep him in the forefront and do your due diligence so that you can avoid these kind of problems.
Speaker 2:And don't be like Percy Sledge and something else. She can't do no wrong Because then when she do the wrong then you don't want to try no more. But he was saying you know, whatever she did, she hurt him real bad, she fornicated and all of that and committed adultery in the song and he had just came to his wit's end. And I think what he was saying he don't want to try no more with her because she had broken his heart so bad and he wasn't willing to fix it anymore. Because in the song it was like a repetitive thing. She would always hurt him in some type of way, being she'll come back and say I'm sorry and then he'll take her back, but this time he was like no, I'm not trying to mold you.
Speaker 1:And that's what I was saying. She had a history and pattern of hurting in the first place. This was her, this was her calling card in the beginning when he met her, and so, again, he wasn't paying attention to the red flags. He got captivated with, possibly, what he saw, which is what men do? They look on the outside. Again, those conditions, none of that stuff matters when you're trying to go into a committed relationship. It's about the character, it's about the truth of who they are, it's about looking at the essence of their heart, what they're committed to, who they're committed to, and making sure that you're playing the entire time, because if you're trying to do this on your own, you're in bad shape.
Speaker 2:Now, when we're speaking about what that was good I don't want to say that your comment wasn't good. It was very good your answer to the question. It definitely, definitely, definitely coincided with what was said in the song. Can you delve into the psychology behind the femme fatale's behavior? That are some factors that contributes to her need for control, and not just her, because you know, when I was looking through the different characters and it seemed like, in some way, shape or form, all of them wanted control, all of them, and you know, they all, they dressed up as if they were like these Christian women, but in reality they all had deep rooted issues. And why do you think that that caused the need for them to want to be in control all of the time of the situation?
Speaker 1:Well, that's what narcissistic behavior is. They have to be in control, they have to be the center of attention, they have to be right all the time. That's. That's.
Speaker 1:Those are all behaviors of a narcissistic person, and, as I said earlier, narcissistic behavior is a mental illness, it's a personality disorder, and so there are, there are things that have to be done in those cases in order to overcome.
Speaker 1:In the case of the narcissistic mother, the young man who was controlled all his life, he had to go into counseling to help him to manage his behavior and to help him to establish a healthy relationship with the wife that he wanted to marry, because the only behavior and the only example he had was his narcissistic mother and he didn't want to do that. So we have to remember that it's a mental health issue, it's a personality disorder, and it's all tied to wanting to be the center of attention, wanting to always be right, believing that they're superior to other people. They lack empathy for other people, they believe that others are in, they look down on them as if they're inferior, they're the most important in any relationship, and so they can be impatient, angry, unhappy, depressed, have mood changes. All of those things are characterized as a narcissistic person, and one of the reasons I wanted to bring it forward is the fact that, again, we talk about narcissistic men. However, we don't talk enough about narcissistic women, and it's important for us to know that behavior.
Speaker 4:I'm walking in a phome this summer in myood, absolutely an every. This is the heartbreak of the town. You said you'd be here by nine and said you took your time. You didn't think they'd call me boy. Here I sit, trying not to cry, asking myself why you do this to me. Yeah, baby, since you're not around for me to tell you baby face to face, I'm writing you this letter and this is what I have to say. All I really wanted was some love to tie my stature. Tell me lies when someone else was on your mind, what you do with me. Look what you did to me. Oh, baby, I thought that you were someone who would do me right and tell you. I had emotions and you made me cry. What you did to me Can't take what you did to me. Now I see that you've been doing wrong. You laid me all alone and made a fool of me. Baby, you're gone and all wrong to think that I wouldn't find out. You were cheating on me. Baby, how could I do with you, man? Since you're not around for me to tell you baby face to face, I'm writing you this letter and this is what I have to say. All I really wanted was some love to tie my stature. Tell me lies when someone else was on your mind, what you do with me. Look what you did to me. Oh, baby, I thought that you were someone who would do me right and tell you I had emotions and you made me cry what you do with me. Why'd you do it? Can't take what you did to me. You didn't have to do it to me, baby.
Speaker 4:Heartbreak hotel this is the heartbreak hotel. This is the heartbreak hotel. This is the heartbreak hotel. Heartbreak hotel this is the heartbreak hotel. Heartbreak hotel. This is the heartbreak hotel. I'll sit right and find heartbreak home. All I really wanted was some love to tie my stature. How could I do with you what you do with me? I'm feeling I'm wanting you now. Look what you did to me. I'm feeling I'm wanting you now. I thought that you were someone that took me right, until you faded my emotions and you made me cry. I'm taking no more. Can't take what you did to me. I'm wanting your love. I'm falling. I'm falling. I'm falling, really, really more.
Speaker 4:The time has said you told me life and told me lies, took me right, no more. Look what you did to me. I'm taking no more. I'm falling really, really more. The time has said. You told me life Until you faded my emotions and you made me cry. I'm taking no more. Can't take what you did to me. I'm taking no more. I'm taking no more. I'm taking no more. I'm taking no more. So everything that you said Was a lie. Tell me lies and me.
Speaker 2:Tell me what it is, that I will be alright. Don't you take me back, doctor V. I know what you, finna say, but you got to think about it. Think about what I'm, finna, ask you Before you react to the song. Now, you were just talking about the artistic women, how they always want to point out what a man does wrong. But imagine because I honestly Cannot see men go through things so silently it's not a lot Of songs out here to choose from, because a man don't want to tell Nobody that he's hurting in that type of way, and if he do, it's always some explicit stuff. So what I'm trying to do now Is trying to find songs that correlate with the message. But just look at it from. If it was a male singing that, how would that relate to the book? But I knew you, finna get me, but I had to give you my reason.
Speaker 1:About that man. I was listening to it Because, when you think about it, in the beginning, chapter one, grayson spends a lot of time with the men and he acknowledges the fact that, in their effort to maintain their role in terms of who they are Called to be as men, he says sometimes, as men, we hurt too, but we tend to hold it all in and not sharing with anybody the things that we're going through, and a lot of the men who are talking about these experiences Didn't tell anybody. They just went through what they had to go through. And so Grayson was actually Telling the man that he wanted them To really open up during this conference as the man came up to speak, to make sure that they were connecting With each other for that reason, because that's what men tended to do.
Speaker 1:And then he talked about the fact that we know that the dogs can come out, and everybody started pumping their fists and barking. He said we know the dogs can come out, but we were taught not to unleash that side of ourselves on any woman, any person, unless they were actually defending themselves. Of course they would do that, but that's what he talked about In the beginning. That's when he shared Some of the Content from the surveys that he sent out To find out what the men wanted to be Discussed during the conference, and that's when some of those things came up the fact that men, by nature, don't have a way To share the pain and the hurt that they experienced. They just hold it in, and so it's.
Speaker 2:Go ahead, Dr Velma. I'm sorry that was me, oh no.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, I thought it was something I did. So I think it was important to note that he spent that first chapter Just kind of talking to the men About positioning themselves In a way that, as they began To look for their mates, that they make sure that they're able to share their experience with others. He does the same thing he did with the women, and that is making sure that they lay aside the hurt and the baggage that they carry Around. He does the same thing in terms of acknowledging. We know that side of you as a man, you just want to Leash out. You know, lash out in a sense, but you can't. You have to maintain Because it's easy to do.
Speaker 1:He talks about having Friendships within the conference and talking to other men as well as himself and sharing some of those things, and all of the men Acknowledge all those things. He was saying that in many cases they use. He told them sometimes you turn to sin as a way to escape, and he said that's not the answer too. So he really gets real with the men In terms of what they have to deal with every day, especially when they don't have Anyone to provide them Support and comfort and assurance, because men look for confirmation, too, from their wives. They look to be assured, they look to be encouraged. They need that too. They may not come out and say it or they might just take the position Of I'm a man. I shouldn't express that, and that's what Grayson talks about In the very beginning that they need that as well. So I just wanted to share that In regards to the song, I'm not going to do it anymore.
Speaker 2:Oh, no, no, no, no. You gave like all valid points. That's the point I was trying to make, like a lot of times. That's the reason why I played the song, because in the song, you know, they all speak on different things and the reasons why they hurt and things that they go through. And men can have those same things Happen to them, right, and they can hurt them and that's why it feels like a heartbreak hotel, because it's like every time I go out Of one door here come another door you doing something different.
Speaker 2:And that's what I saw in the book, with the different characters of women. They all, they all Related in a sense of being narcissists, being controlling. They all had Like a demonic Spirit over them and it was Crazy. But it was crazy good. Y'all like this book was good. This book need to be a movie. It was good, like I was reading the book and I thought I was watching Like the Way to Exhale. But like the bad version, like are we going to all get together and just do our husbands wrong? Like it was crazy, wow. And then the men, when they tell a nice story look, that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:A lot of times, men, they feel like they have to Be so strong and be so macho and if you are not the right type of wife, they will not be able To confide in you, they will not be able to get their feelings out Because you know you have some women, that's just. It's all about me. I don't care about him, not necessarily that mindset, I don't care, but it's more like you, the man, you supposed to be strong, you can't cry, and those type of things. Well, we need to be If they can't be sensitive with us ladies and come to us with their problems and we are supposed to be the better Half of them. Who they going to go to? That's right, who?
Speaker 1:they going to go to Mabel over the fence. I said Mabel, over the fence, mabel, look the cleanup woman.
Speaker 2:Mabel, look the cleanup woman. Mabel, look the cleanup woman. They going to go right to the Cleanup woman or the antelope Now the Nark woman In chapter 8, the mother, and then you the name, the mom queenie. Look, I'm not going to do this with you, with queenie today.
Speaker 5:Okay, are you not going to do this?
Speaker 1:with queenie today. Let me be honest there are people In my family and friends who asked to be characters In the book. In my first book I have over 21 family members and friends who are characters, and I said keep in mind You're not good people, no problem, no problem.
Speaker 2:Yup, what do we all know? Is she the gay, you the mama girl, she the gay, you the mama. Okay, so Jamal in this book is, is her son and queenie is the mom and she, you know, controls who her sons dates and all this other stuff. What advice would you give Someone who doesn't really understand or know that's what she's doing is just More so like a trauma bond or that they Because that's what I took from it that I don't think it was more so that she really knew, or was you know Knew that she was doing these things Intentionally as far as like Control of her son and who he dated and trying to sabotage everything. I was just it was more so of a she raised him Single parent and he had that trauma bond going on, and so what advice Would you give someone who really does not understand that that's the type of mom that she comes out as and what would you think Would be the best solution to that?
Speaker 2:Because I really felt kind of sad about Not Not I miss queenie, but miss mama queenie in the book. I really I really felt for her because I really just Felt like she was alone and that was her only friend, her only companion, everything. He was more like a brother that she grew up with, that she was very, very close to, because you know he was there for her as a son. And when you, when you spend all those years right next to that person, it's kind of hard to kind of let that Go because they, they trauma, bonded On the fact that the man left.
Speaker 1:But he's older now, now as a Teenager, when he called the house Of the girl he was trying to date and told the parents not to allow their daughter to see her son. That was the first clue and then, as he got older, he began to notice More of her wanting to be a mother and she was trying to get her to know that she felt as more of her wanting to be Involved in his life, wanting to know more. So that's the reason he began dating Again, but he dated While he was staying at a friend's house. He never invited the person to his home. So he began to recognize it and the wonderful Thing I thought I thought was good About what he did was he decided To get help for himself In order for him to move forward With a relationship that he Thought he wanted, the person he thought he wanted, which he did eventually Married.
Speaker 1:He had to get out there and get the service that he needed, to get the help that he needed to make sure he wasn't repeating those same behaviors.
Speaker 1:He knew what he had to do with his mother, but the mom was very involved with her church, so it wasn't like her world centered around him.
Speaker 1:He was the only male in her life, but she was very active in her church, which is what he encouraged her to do when he decided to sit down with her and establish new boundaries after he married her. And he decided to get out there and get the service that he needed, to get the help that he needed To establish new boundaries after he married his wife, and I thought that was the best thing for him to do, rather than cut her off completely. He sat down and gave her a list of things that she was going to have to follow If they were going to continue their relationship Together, or else he would have to figure out Something else. So she had to get help, too, on her own. But he got the help he needed and she understood the boundaries she had to follow with him now that he was married. So he had to get help too. So he had to get help, too, on her own. But he got the help he needed and she had to get to the end and that she can help girls.
Speaker 3:Tomem spreading the message that she is happy and I should annoy her. The g billoon For 200 years she is going to her purple and her μα. She used to be we suchy.
Speaker 4:When I was still alive. She needed her own. But you know, I wish I could describe you Strong will be an understatement Warrior would so much better, cause you've been fighting. Seeing so much beauty from within Didn't up to give, but you give it so special. Just wanna take this time to let you know there's nothing more precious in this world Than the one I love so much, my favorite girl, mama, mama, mama, mama. Everything you've been through, there's nothing that I'm holding you Mama, mama, mama, mama.
Speaker 3:She could deserve the best Now what this world can offer you. Mama, I love you Mama, I love you Mama, I love you Mama, mama, mama, mama. To look in her eyes, she's such a queen, the perfect example of girl loyalty. She gives it all, so one selfish thing.
Speaker 4:She does it all just for loyalty. That's my mama. I never knew someone to sacrifice Everything for love, even gave up that whole life. Mama, mama, mama, mama. Everything you've been through, there's nothing that I'm holding you. Mama, mama, mama, mama. She could deserve the best Now, what this world can offer you. Mama, I love you, mama, I love you, mama. I'm so grateful to sign. I'm only a part of that, yours. We are who we are because you love us from the start, the start of everything you've been through. There's nothing that I'm holding you. Mama, mama, mama, mama. She could deserve the best Now, what this world can offer you. Mama, mama, mama, mama. Everything you've been through, there's nothing that I'm holding you, mama, mama, mama mama, she could deserve the best, now what this world can offer you.
Speaker 3:Mama, I love you, mama, mama, mama, mama, she could deserve the best, now what this world can offer you.
Speaker 2:Yes, and that song was called Mama from the Empire soundtrack. Mr Jesse Smollett, Tell me what you think about that song. I was hollering at the words.
Speaker 1:I thought it was really interesting that it was very appropriate for our discussion about the narcissistic mother.
Speaker 2:Yes, because I feel like in that song it just goes to show the depth of the love that the son has for his mom and he wants to express that so much. But he doesn't do it in a healthy way and what it does it feeds into the toxic relationship. It feeds into it because you love your mom, you want to do everything for your mom, but at the same time it's given off a emotional, a toxic emotional attachment and it becomes a dependency. And that's where it becomes toxic. Because you can love your mom, you can do everything for your mom, you can be there for your mom. But when it gets to the point where the mom starts to feel like she don't want you to be with nobody, that's when it's like just me and you, we together. It is not a mother-son thing. It becomes very emotional and sex and toxic. Do you agree?
Speaker 1:Absolutely, because you recall, when he got married she got a copy of his house key after he and his wife moved into their home and he wasn't aware that she got a copy of the key and she let herself in. One Saturday and he and his wife were in bed and heard the noise in the kitchen. He grabbed a bat, ran to the kitchen to try to figure out who was there, jumped in the hallway, in the doorway, and the mother was startled. He had let herself in and he was shocked. His wife was shocked and he wanted to know how in the world she'd get in to the house. And she admitted that she made herself a key and he said that's not okay. This is, he said. Well, she said I just wanted to come and fix your favorite breakfast. And he said I have a wife to fix my breakfast. So it began the journey of her realizing that the relationship that she was going to have with her son is going to be different from that point on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it just I don't know, I guess by you know I'm a boy mom and you know I love you know I love my boys, I do and and I just don't want them to ever feel like they have that obligation. You get what I'm saying. Like I just I just don't want them to ever feel like that. So I'm just I'm trying my best because I really I saw it as a traumatic thing that she went through mentally and you know when, when the father left or passed or whatever it was, and it was just like, wow, she lost her person and she's been emotionally attached to her son for so long and it was just hard for her to break from that because that was the life that she lived all those years.
Speaker 2:And when you are like in that cycle and you are doing the same thing, you got the same routine for all those years, that can be kind of hard to break from. So I don't know, I just I gave her a little grace in that one Cause. Like I said, I don't think that it was something that she was doing maliciously. I honestly think that it was just something that she was just so used to doing and so used to having him depend on her as a mom, that she didn't realize that it came off toxic. From what I read, From what I read.
Speaker 2:But you know, everybody looked at it different, you know. But I think for me it was just like I don't think it was something that she, that she knew. I think that it was just something that that, unfortunately, there was a life that she lived all those years and now she, oh she, up in age, she been dependent on her all this, all this long, when she should have been let him go and be a man. She should have been moved on and you know, and and and ask God to bring her a help, mate. But she had that in him, unfortunately, and that's not where it was supposed to be and that's where the lines got crossed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the boundaries yeah.
Speaker 2:Really good book, Really really good book.
Speaker 1:You and your husband are raising your sons very well. You're going to be strong, very focused men of God, so don't you worry about that. If anything, you're going to have to tell them to go back home, you know, with you enjoying spending time with mommy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they gonna be eating no more barbecue duck over here. You better go out and do other recipes. I was sure I could do the couple of times. But now in chapter nine you talk about. You talk about the people pleaser and of course she's narcissistic and she's always helping people and she's kind and she's easy to go to, easy to talk to, right. But can you give people just a different perspective of what they can expect in the people pleaser in this, in this book?
Speaker 1:Sure, she camouflaged her ability and her desire to please other people when the man in the story who was Roman. When Roman met her, he saw her at a local restaurant he frequented. She was a waitress there, a wait person, and so he saw her interactions with the customers and how the customers loved her, because she was always just providing the best service. She was always kind. He noticed that even in her willingness to help someone who didn't have a lot of money, she helped them to identify items on the menu that would help them to get more for the money that they had. And so he witnessed all of this because he was there every day for lunch, and the more he witnessed, the more he liked, because she was the star server at this particular restaurant. She got the highest number of tips in the most money, because people just loved what she did and her service to them, and so that's what attracted him to her. He thought her ability to please others was something that he would want in his life, in the woman that he wanted in his life. What he didn't realize was that she was misused and mistreated as she grew up. People forced her, she was bullied, and so to satisfy the bully. She was always doing things for those who forced her to do it, until she realized that she grew older, that she can use people pleasing and use it for her own benefit to get what she wants. So she used it to manipulate other people, just like the people she served in the restaurant she did. She threw in extra items for them, and so they were so happy with their service that they always tipped her large tips, and so she found out that she can use that, and that's what she used even in her relationship with her husband. She pleased him in every way.
Speaker 1:She was yes to, she said yes to everything, and to the point where this man was so tired of her yeses, he would look and yearn for intelligent conversation where he could hear a different perspective than his own, and she never gave him that. It was always yes, whatever you think, whatever you want to do, whatever, and that's what she did, because all she did was did what she felt that he wanted her to do, and he always provided and gave her extra and things that she needed, and so she got the benefit of getting the things that she wanted out of the relationship just by saying yes to everything he said, or he asked for. So she was like a human series, a human Alexa, and can you do this, would you do that? And she just simply said yes to it all until he got towards a tired of it, because it gets old after a while. He had no intelligent conversation, he had no debates, she didn't offer any other solutions. It was just his way and that's it, and so that's how that relationship became pretty bad for him.
Speaker 4:I'm sorry for the pain that I put you through. I'm sorry to keep you from my. It's just that you've been nice to me. I know you were rude to me, but I've had you on my hand, Cheimcheima, you've had it all. You watched like a thousand movies. There was absolutely gift from you, from world being. I'm still in love with you. I'm still in love with you, but I'm having some doubts. I think I found the answer and I know I'm just confessing. I'm still in love with you and I was already when I said that I loved you and in my heart I know that I gotta tell you I shouldn't have gone from a situation to the next. I'm still in love with you.
Speaker 2:Now this song. I didn't really see too much of this behavior in the book, but I do want to address it because people jump into just like we were speaking about with the with the K Michelle song level mile. They get their heart broke or they, they, they leave one person and they hurry up and run to the next person, thinking that's what's going to fulfill them, and then they still haven't let go of that baggage. So what do you think about this song and how correlates with narcissistic women in your book?
Speaker 1:It was actually saying everything we had just talked about, that you just running around the pop and that's why I had to change the the message. Dating for marriage and you can just date and hop into any relationship you want to, as often as you want to. That's just plain dating. But I call that high school. Dating for marriage is very strategic and it requires that you go in expecting and examining certain behaviors, that you're looking for, certain things you want to hear, you're watching, you're observing, you're looking, making sure that you're observing red flags, and so someone who's in and out like that, because she did it that way, she may have missed out on somebody that was pretty great, but she never dealt with herself either. So that's why she was insecure. She went on to somebody else and she didn't take time to examine what, why they broke up and what happened. If this was a marriage, I found that in a lot of the cases, a lot of marriages ended and didn't have to. Had the people worked on weathering the storm, because sometimes we're better on the other side of the storm when we have them, because we're going to be attacked.
Speaker 1:The whole idea of being married is a spiritual thing, is not just for physical, it's not just the benefit that we get out of it. God always has a plan for the couples he bring together. If it's nothing more than to have two great sons there, who's going to write books and become very successful business people, god always has a plan for that. And so to do what we do with relationships now we have water to down to exactly what that song says. I moved on to the next. He had this check. He had that. She had a little list. She checked off the list and she had doubts all of that, and she never took the time to examine what was wrong with her, what were some of the things she needed to fix and overcome, and instead she moved on and she may have missed out on a great opportunity because she wasn't ready.
Speaker 2:Yes, she mentioned all the ways that he was a great man to her, but she still was leaving him. I said what is wrong with this crazy lady?
Speaker 5:The family liked you.
Speaker 2:You love the family, his family love you. He doing everything. That is right. He checked off every box.
Speaker 1:But he wasn't.
Speaker 2:She wasn't right, that she was saying. She said is me, I'm the problem, so I'm gonna leave, because I have a resolve issues and you know what? In a sense, I think that she was right for doing that, because if she is not ready and she knows that she came be all of who you need her to be, that she needs to leave and fix herself. But she said man's time. Yep, if you are not right within yourself and that's why you said, dr Velma, you have to fix the inside in order to attract what you got on this, this long list of things that you expect out of your mate.
Speaker 2:Women always had this thing a man got to hide this, a man got to do this, a man got to do that, but she just be just as nasty on the inside and they got nothing going on. But you expect all of this, and sometimes me and how. That same thing. Oh, she can't have no kids. Oh, she can't do this, oh, she can't do that. But then you want somebody that single, you want somebody that's educated. They got money, they got investments, they got properties. You know you bought all of this stuff. What makes you think that person going to want to deal with you and you get all that back. This is the perfect package Making a list, and you want to live up to the list? Right, that's my goal.
Speaker 2:If that's your list. If that's your list, you have to reflect that list because I guarantee you the person that you look at fall. Look in this, go for the women I'm talking about now. You got this list, you got all this on the list. If you don't reflect that list, that man ain't gonna want to know. And we not saying get it right sis, we just saying get yourself right first.
Speaker 2:We not saying you don't deserve the person on that list, we just saying reflect the list that you want, because you're going as much as you can put out, and that don't mean settle, that don't mean just be with somebody who that you don't feel you deserve. But if you feel like you deserve that person, then you need to put in the work yourself.
Speaker 5:We not saying we're full back jobs, do this, do.
Speaker 2:That's not what we saying. What we are saying is and correct me if I'm wrong, because you the expert, but you my coach so I learned from you. We had enough conversations. What I take from what Dr Belma has been teaching me in these interviews that I've been questioning her own is that if you want this out of a relationship that we that you want to be married, you have the first rooted in God. Make sure that that person is rooted in God and everything you do you put God first. But if he cooking, do the dishes. If he washing the clothes, fold them or, in my case, get the kids to follow them. That's what you get, get. Get them allowance for. But, you know, do things where it complements each other and takes the load off of each other and stop saying what you're not going to do.
Speaker 2:Right, oh, we could do that. That's the Mr Cox to the moon.
Speaker 1:Not saying what you're not going to do. You already setting conditions. It's not a contract, this is a covenant, and these crazy things about I'm only going to give 50 and he better give 50. I said who came, who came? That's it's not a contract. You don't get to say that.
Speaker 2:And no, I only wanted to say today, if he only got 20 today, I'm a give 80. If I don't got it. He's going to give 90. If you know, that's how we roll in this house and we don't have roles. We don't have gender roles. That's right. I might be pulling in some money one month and the next month I can't. He might be pulling it in and paying all the bills and OK, and that's OK, as long as we have the understanding that we are in this together. We are 18.
Speaker 1:That's right. That's why we this is ours, everything that comes in is ours and everything we do. We operate as a unit and a unit is one, and so therefore, as long as we're operating at 100%, it doesn't matter who's given what percentage is. When I'm down and out, I'm at 4% in the bed and my husband is given 96. Who cares, as long as we're operating as 100%? But if you're going in with these conditions that he has to give 50 because you're getting 50, then you already have set yourself up to fail Because you are not met, then you're already out of it. And so, like I said, so many I've seen and met so many people who got out of marriages that could have survived, have had. They just weather the weather, the storm, and you got to be ready for that, to to weather the storm.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because the vows are sacred and the value say those and the guy for sickness and health to death, do you part. And you know you supposed to take that covenant serious. But if it's not. But that's not saying let somebody beat on you, let somebody master, manipulate you, let somebody bite you, let somebody cause you emotional trauma or stress. That's not what we're saying. What we're saying is that if it's rooted in God and spirit is on your spouse, you pray for your spouse and you and your spouse go and you pray to God and you ask God to release whatever that spirit is. Yeah, a welcome you. You send it, you return it to hell, you return it to the piss of hell in which it came. But there you go. God, the devil will have to flee. Yep, the devil will always flee.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're stop putting the top, trying to put a face on the enemy. He has no face, and so that's what we try to do in a marriage relationship it's not him, it's not me. Try to focus on the real enemy, and he's faceless. And so, therefore, you fight differently with a with a fold that that's not flesh and blood. And so you have to know what's really coming up against your marriage relationship and make sure that that's what you maintain. And because the storms will come, but you got to make sure that you understand who brought the storm and who's allowed it in to your marriage relationship and deal with it that way.
Speaker 4:My shattered dreams and broken heart are manning ocean. I saw you holding hands and standing close to someone else. Now I sit all alone, wishing all my feelings was gone. I gave my best to you. Nothing for me to do, but I've won this cry. Won this cry Before I leave it all behind. I gotta put you out of my mind this time. Stop living a lie.
Speaker 4:I guess I'm down to my last cry. I was here, you were there. Guess we never could have agreed. While the sun shines on you, I need some love to reign on me. Still, I sit all alone, wishing all my feelings was gone. Gotta get over you. Nothing for me to do, but I've won this cry. Won this cry Before I leave it all behind. I gotta put you out of my mind this time. Stop living a lie. I know I gotta be strong, cause a rapid life goes on and on, and on and on. I'm gonna dry my arm right after I'm dead man. I won this cry. Won this cry Before I leave it all behind. I gotta put you out of my mind this time. Stop living a lie. I guess I'm down. I guess I'm down. I guess I'm down to my last cry.
Speaker 2:I found a crying man for you.
Speaker 1:You sure did, especially since he had to express that it was gonna be one last, Because he says, you know he had to put her out of his mind, never could, and he realized they never couldn't be and he needed love to reign on him, even though she showed sunshine. He said he needed some love to show on him and remember we talked about the importance of cultivating a relationship. That requires some sunshine, some love. You have to take care of it like you would do a garden. He said he's sitting there all alone, gotta get over you, which says that he's committed to moving through the process and he's gonna have one last cry and that's okay. But it's all about unpacking on that.
Speaker 2:He's on that song, baby, he's on that song. He told up. He said, before I cry, i'ma let you know this, though, I'ma let you know this, the last one you gonna get up out of me. Yes, I was gonna play some keyswet on him, but I chose not to. I said, hey, everybody cryin on him, men, women, everything. I just chose not to today. I just chose not to. I chose look, I chose peace.
Speaker 2:Now, the last person, the last one I wanna speak about, is the church doll. Okay, now, y'all know, y'all got them girls that's grown by their parents to be you know all you know and grown by, you know, the pastors, or not just the pastors, but any type of church leader. They see these little girls coming in there. You know, not all of them, but just the ones that ain't right. And they grown these young women and to follow. Oh, this is the Bible, you know, you gotta follow it this way, that way, and these girls be thinking that you know that they're doing the right thing. She didn't know that she's being used because she was young, she was innocent. Just, can you explain to them the, not necessarily what happened in the book, because we want them to get the book, but just the characteristics of a church doll. And does she? Does she have the, the, the mind frame of knowing that what she's doing is wrong? How was she manipulated in the in the book?
Speaker 1:First of all, she didn't even know she was being called a church doll. It was one of the mothers of the church, who also was the victim of becoming a church doll, who reached out to her, and this is after she got married. It's reached out to her because she noticed her husband and she having some difficulties down at the church and offered to come to the house to talk with them. And that's when she discovered the title the church doll, this woman. They called her Sister Marie. She was a former church doll and she began to explain, before she even acknowledged that she knew that this young lady was used and abused. Her husband didn't even know the woman once she got married. She was trying to keep everything from him and had already begun to pull away from that church leader. And so when the woman came to church, she asked had they ever heard of the phrase church doll? And they hadn't. And when she began to explain it, it was a title that the members of the church assigned to the particular woman that was assigned to the leaders, and she said that they labeled these women behind their backs and everyone knew how the church dolls were being abused by the church leader. So it's like the entire church was aware, and so once they heard that, she stopped to see that the woman was boohoo crying.
Speaker 1:At that moment and the husband was kind of perplexed in terms of what does all this mean? And that's when the sister from the church explained that she was once that person and she explained what happened and she acknowledged that she knew that that's what was happening to this woman, and the husband almost hit the roof when once he discovered what was going on. And I love the fact that the woman from the church the mother from the church explained to the husband that this wasn't the time for anger. This was the time for really showing grace to his wife, because she's been abused. It wasn't her fault, she was a victim of the situation, and so he needed to turn his attention to make sure she got the help that she needed, and this sister helped to point them in the right direction, and so they immediately left the church and got her the help that she needed. And I won't tell you what happened at the end, unless something. There's something joy Our host wants to know more about.
Speaker 2:And so the whole mail. I was just going to say what is it anything else, before we come to a close, that you would like the readers to know and tell them where they can pick up the book, dr.
Speaker 1:V.
Speaker 1:Sorry, I was talking. I forgot to turn my mic back on. The book is available on any of the online platforms is available at Barnes and Nobo, is now at Walmart, kmart, and you can get it on Apple and you can get it on Amazon. So it's available on any of the online platforms. On it's the wrong catch shield, tear down the house is book number four and the series, and I want to respond to the male readers who read books one and three and wanted to know what I address this group of women and, like I said earlier, I actually talked to some Godly men on some of the challenges they've had in their dating lives and, from what they said, I was able to create these characters. So feel free to get a copy.
Speaker 1:The book is planned. The plan is to release the book on November 30. So I hope to have everything done and I hope that you would order your preorder your ebook and I'm looking forward to talking with you more. I will be hosting some freebies and giveaways, but the only way you can take advantage of that is you have to subscribe to my on my website, which is Dr Velma bagbycom, so I'm looking forward to that. I'm actually getting input from some of the readers on some of the some of the designs. I have a couple more designs to post and get their input on, and so I'm looking forward to it. So thank you, jacqueline, for having me today. I've enjoyed your questions and I can tell you read the books.
Speaker 2:Yes, ma'am, and also we do have people that are calling in. So if you could stay a few more minutes for Q&A. If you have questions for Dr V, please call in. We're going to take about three or four questions before we close. First we have Carolyn Coleman. Y'all know she always going to come in. She go have a question or comment or a joke. I love, I just love Gentry. If you guys have any questions, now's the time to call in to Dr V. How you doing, gentry?
Speaker 5:Thank you, jackie. Hello, dr Velma and everyone else in the listening audience. I hope everybody's having a good evening and listen to this wonderful book discussion. Dr Velma, I just have a couple statements. I was writing down some things while you guys knew and Jackie had the mic and wouldn't let nobody else see it, but nevertheless I absolutely love it. You know that I love your work. On my take on the mother-in-law who made the key and didn't tell nobody. It was intentional. Who does that? Who does that? You know, I don't know if she was trying to sabotage the relationship or maintain her own space in relationship, and I know this is a work of fiction, but I think this in real life is very well with other people's lives. That makes sense.
Speaker 1:You are correct. This is not. Don't be surprised on a lot of the stories in this book. The stories are fictional, but don't think that some of it has happened and it's true to life.
Speaker 5:It's very true to life. And let me say, the person who's always saying yes is like I tell people about some of the politicians. I say you know, some people have just never said no to these people. They need to hear a no from time to time because when you have yes men and yes women, they don't respect you, they just want you to applaud them and go on.
Speaker 5:And I've seen a relationship sort of fall off. I'm like I just don't want to upset him. I said what about you? You upset? You know. Just tell him how you feel and you can do that in a respectful way. You know you don't have to be oh yeah sure, oh yeah sure.
Speaker 5:Like you say, it's no stimulation in the conversation, there's no other conversation to be had and you want somebody to help you think. You just want somebody to help you think. And I think that's a good question, because sometimes when you say things out loud, you're like, oh, that one right, you know, I should have done it this way. Or you get a brand new idea. And my last one I respect the person that can say I'm just not ready for you, I'm just not ready for you, instead of stringing people along. I don't want to say everything I want, but I'm just not ready. I'm not ready for you. So I have I have big respect for that, because at least you are not leading someone down that path where you know that there is just going to be an empty cave when you get there.
Speaker 5:And I'm on the discussion tonight and, like I said, you know I absolutely love your series. I do appreciate you can't wait for the congratulations on the release at the end of November. Which is what? 31 days away, or something of that nature.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 5:So I can't wait and thank you so much for indulging me on the little notes I was taking while you guys were talking.
Speaker 1:I want you to know. I want to ask do you remember the movie about the step for wise, where the men actually change the women into robots to make sure they said yes to everything?
Speaker 5:Yes, dr them, I do remember the movie and I hated every minute of it. Okay, not that person. I am not cut from that claw, and it's not that I'm confrontational because I'm not.
Speaker 4:I was not paying. You know what?
Speaker 5:my point is I know some people just go and go, go along the give along, but that I'm just not cut from that cloth. I could not see that movie all the way out, it just bored me to tears.
Speaker 1:I wanted to know what happened in the end, but the whole idea was the step for wise is what I thought about when I had to create the yes woman. Okay, I was thinking about at the time. Nothing had nothing to do with you, but I remember that I thought about the whole time. Those men wanted someone to say yes all the time. But that is not what we should be, you know, striving for and you're. You're right. And what you said to the woman who, who was in a relationship where she wanted, she didn't want to speak up and didn't want to express herself, that's not what we're looking for and that's not what we're promoting at all.
Speaker 2:And then the part about the people pleaser. It was a twist to her because she only agree with everything and was a yes person to him so she can manipulate and get what she wanted out of everything. Because she felt like if she say yes to everything he said and didn't come back, then she wanted him to have, she had the same expectation. So it was like only reason I'm not saying yes because I agree with on scare to say no, she was only the people pleaser, so she can get what she wanted out of it without giving too much of the book. No, she was a girl.
Speaker 1:That was truly her goal to say he was a manipulator she wasn't weak at all.
Speaker 5:No, no, even people who are yes people aren't weak. They just know they can get more out of saying yes because, oh, they're going to give me a bonus at the end of the year. These, these, my bonus money. That means that's going to get something. But guess what? That relationship is still one side, that's right I agree, so nobody wins.
Speaker 1:Good points, carolyn, I appreciate you, thank you.
Speaker 2:Great point. You know you always have me cracking up. I can go follow Jettie Jardine. She is a good time. I'm talking, this lady is a good time. I don't know, I might be a little flame. What are you laughing at? Look, you should've named Hygiene to Carolyn or Gentry. Look, I'm going to be laughing. She is hilarious. Follow Gentry. Well, we're leaving this app, but we moving over to station head after the first, so we will be so you can follow me and listen in the 23 and follow Gentry's journey station here. Thank you so much, gentry. We appreciate. You know you all. You are good time. You are good time, seriously. You are good time. We love you so much, thank you.
Speaker 1:I love you all as well. Thank you, Carolyn.
Speaker 2:All right, I'm gonna play one more song and before the song again, if anybody else has any questions or comments for Dr Velma, we have just one more song I'm gonna play. It's about four minutes and then we're gonna. If no more people have caught it, we're gonna. We're gonna wrap it up. I.
Speaker 4:Was gonna find me. He leaves his work. He holds my hand in the store. We drink the same whiskey and he loves to dance. He'd be like come on, love girl, do your dance. You don't play about with love. I don't mean no, you got to get your own cuz. That man there, that's my man. He got smooth, he kind of growl, he loves mama and he goes. You don't care if they kiss, he's gonna raise him like they Is hard to find what you can't. You better get you Back in the day I heard in the warm Ain't nothing like a Asked.
Speaker 4:How cuz she tell apart. She put her hand right on her heart by the way that it wears his pain. It's by the way that it wears his pain. Now, she was talking in a little so deep. I thought she was talking about his genes. So, mr Jolly Walker, smile on the space and I see just what she mean.
Speaker 4:That man got a smooth walk. He kind of growl when he talk. Ain't shy, no hard work. He loves mama and he go to church. He don't care if they kiss, he's gonna raise him like they Is hard to find one. But if you can, you better get you a southern. That woman was so proud with that man on her, had me trying to chase him down all over town to see if he had a son. She said, charlie, just a man, but he's everything. And now I want nothing Overheels for me. And now I'm happy asking me. And if you listen to what we say in the, you you'll see just what we mean. A southern man got a smooth walk. He kind of growl when he talk. He ain't shy, no hard work, he loves mama and he go to church. He don't care if they kiss, he's gonna raise him like they Is hard to find one, but if you can, you better get you a southern man. Now say oh, oh, oh, oh.
Speaker 2:All right, I don't see nobody else calling me and dr V, so do you have anything else you would like to leave for the audience?
Speaker 1:No, I'm excited.
Speaker 1:I'm excited about what we talked about today and I appreciate everything you've done. All your questions were just fabulous, but of course, you had insider information which made the questions more interesting. I appreciate Karen and coming on. She's always supportive and I I thank you, karen, for coming on and asking that question and I know that she saw that Shell and I thank her for giving her perspective on the yes women, a different kind of yes woman.
Speaker 1:But I hope that what you take away in this book is just keep in mind that I surveyed men who provided me the information in the content that I used to create these characters. Somebody told me that the characters were really tough and would like to talk to me more about that Church doll. I want you to know that some of these women I've met, some I've seen Even witness growing up in the church that I used to grow up in. So these are not new Characters. So it was important for me to present them based on what the guys said, that the. What the guys said were their challenges in their dating life. So we just have to be aware of this and I'm hoping that that's what this book will serve to do and from some of the input I'm getting already. Some of the women have already said they appreciate the perspective in the book.
Speaker 2:So, thank you, jacqueline, you're welcome always, always just a pleasure to have you come on, and that's what this platform is about. That's what I'm about, that's what you know anyone who comes on is about. We must uplift and empower women, and sometimes that's actually giving them a mirror to look into, say, hey, look, look at yourself, what is it about you that Attracts the wrong catch? Because a lot of times we, we, we, we always want to say, oh, the man, the man, the man. But the, the, the kind of guy that you attract, is a reflection of you, whether you want to admit it or not.
Speaker 1:And I wanted to ask you does the record that you just played the set? I want a southern man? Does southern California count as a southern man?
Speaker 2:Yes, it does. From southern California, yeah, it's a southern man and it don't necessarily he got to be like from Mississippi or Arkansas, anything like that, it's just a characteristics of Right. He could be, he could be, he could be raised by a southern family and be a southern man. Then it and I played that because you could tell that woman she was, she was looking at this, this, this. She was talking to her mentor and the mentor was telling hey, look, my man got a smooth walk. Mm-hmm, he got a growl when he talked. He a man's man. He's shy, no hard work, he love his mama and he go to church. My daughter, he's, he's, he's gonna raise him like they are right right.
Speaker 1:My daughter used to tease my husband and say dad, I don't think I've ever seen any preacher in a road that had that little skip and you step that little.
Speaker 5:Okay.
Speaker 1:I Appreciate it. That was a. That was a nice song.
Speaker 2:I had my If you can, you better get your own Southern man. Okay, good, this man's you go find you. Well, like mr Cork said, you better go get you one, you can't have mine as he's talking about me. He said it's better go find you one. Okay, how?
Speaker 1:straight out of Southern California mine.
Speaker 2:You might say that from southern Chicago, because you know yes, it did, yes, it did, I tried to find one that that a woman was actually Appreciating her man at the end of the show. I want to leave on. Good, no, you know you really well. Cool, I Thank everybody for Participating, for listening in, for tuning in is always a pleasure. Y'all be sticking with listening. Linda, y'all know I'd be on here. I'm never on here, less than two hours Never. But y'all stay with y'all stay with your girl and I just appreciate it. I Appreciate all my guests, anybody who comes on this platform, who plans to come on in the future. I just love you all. So, so, very much. Dr Velma, you did tell them to find you and subscribe at dr Velma bagby calm, you can also find dr Velma on Facebook on any platform Under dr Velma bagby. She has a Arthur page on Facebook. Are the friends of dr Velma, am I correct?
Speaker 1:Yes, that's correct. Okay, Dr Velma, and and friends. Author and friends.
Speaker 2:Yes, so just reach out to her, she will definitely get back to you. She does. You still do dating and relationship coaching and master classes and all of those things, correct, I'm?
Speaker 1:ready to kick into gear with all of those things. I'm going to be talking with my mentor shortly, okay, so stay tuned, make sure you connect, and I'm going to be sending information out on my new newsletter soon, so make sure you connect with me.
Speaker 2:Okay, I want to go ahead and close out with prayer, I think, dr Velma, for coming on and leading a prayer, but I got the strength to close us out now. Dear god, we gather here today in gratitude for the opportunity to engage in meaningful conversation with dr Velma bagby on her insight Book, the wrong catch. She'll tell down the house, dr Velma. We thank you so much for the wisdom and inspiration you shared during this episode. Father god, we reflect on themes discussed. We ask for your help and I'm ready to go ahead and send you to the chat. We ask for your guidance and blessings. May you grant us the strength to recognize and learn from the wrong catches in our lives, those moments or choices that Threaten to tear down the foundation that we all have built or we'll want to build. Help us to navigate these Challenges, situations, with grace and resilience.
Speaker 2:We pray for those who may find themselves in difficult circumstances or relationships, feeling like they are trapped or just Uncertain about the road that they should take. May they find solace and empowerment through dr Bagby's words, as well as her books, as they discover the courage to make necessary changes and be a healthier, more fulfilling lives. God grant us the wisdom to discern between what serves our highest good and what hinders our growth. May we have the courage to let go of what no longer serves us, but also have the faith to embrace new possibilities as well as opportunities. We extend our gratitude to my dear sister friend, mama dr Velma bagby, for sharing her expertise and experiences. May her book continue to impact the lives of those who read it, offering guidance, hope and encouragement.
Speaker 2:And, as this episode comes to a close, we ask for your continued guidance and support and all of our endeavors may. May we all be open to learning, growing and creating Positive change in our lives and the lives of others, and your infinite wisdom and love. We trust Lord, god, amen. May this prayer bring blessings and inspiration to all who are listening. Thank you so much, and my play a song and I'm gonna play us out. Have a great night everybody. Have a great night everybody, you as well. I, I'm a world.
Speaker 4:I'm a world International. No specific area when the risk and project home overseas. I could just about a blow All the attention I'm watching. I Want you Click to inspections, just like your hot speed cable. Even if you gotta fly to where they drive On the passenger side I'll be like the honor ball. When you get on you won't know how to let go. What do you think you won't do? You got to click right here. Come find me. I'll gonna show you the places you've never been. I'll take you. I'm a worldwide woman, w-w-w-w. You belong on anywhere. You're the contention there. You're a worldwide woman, w-w-w-w.