Discover the relationship signals that could save your heart from future sorrow as we chat with an insightful author who, post-retirement, speaks about the dynamics of love and partnership. Through her unique lens, she weaves in men's perspectives, drawn from rich discussions with her husband and the men who've journeyed through her books. , Pastor Grayson the main character of the series gives his imparting wisdom on the qualities that form the bedrock of a strong marriage, urging us to peer beyond the superficial and into the spiritual and emotional depth of our potential life companions.
Going into a relationship is similar to constructing a house - it demands wisdom, preparation, and the right materials. In our discussion, we explore not just what to look for in a partner, but also how to become the best version of yourself, ready to build a lasting bond. From self-improvement to avoiding destructive behaviors, we learn how to nurture a relationship that grows stronger with each challenge faced, supported by prayer, trust, and a positive outlook. The episode talks about the cultural and societal influences that shape our expectations and actions in marriage, reminding us to align our choices with enduring values rather than just dismissing the red flags just for the sake of “the gram” or societal expectations.
Join us as we unravel the spiritual fabric of marital commitment, threading in perspectives from various walks of life. Listen to the stories that have weathered storms and emerged with a stronger bond, find solace in the shared experience of trusting a higher power, and gain insights into maintaining focus amidst life's tumultuous waves. This episode is not just a guide; it's an invitation to reflect, renew, and ready yourself for the journey of companionship, affirming the power of faith and love in crafting a resilient and fulfilling marriage.
Discover the relationship signals that could save your heart from future sorrow as we chat with an insightful author who, post-retirement, speaks about the dynamics of love and partnership. Through her unique lens, she weaves in men's perspectives, drawn from rich discussions with her husband and the men who've journeyed through her books. , Pastor Grayson the main character of the series gives his imparting wisdom on the qualities that form the bedrock of a strong marriage, urging us to peer beyond the superficial and into the spiritual and emotional depth of our potential life companions.
Going into a relationship is similar to constructing a house - it demands wisdom, preparation, and the right materials. In our discussion, we explore not just what to look for in a partner, but also how to become the best version of yourself, ready to build a lasting bond. From self-improvement to avoiding destructive behaviors, we learn how to nurture a relationship that grows stronger with each challenge faced, supported by prayer, trust, and a positive outlook. The episode talks about the cultural and societal influences that shape our expectations and actions in marriage, reminding us to align our choices with enduring values rather than just dismissing the red flags just for the sake of “the gram” or societal expectations.
Join us as we unravel the spiritual fabric of marital commitment, threading in perspectives from various walks of life. Listen to the stories that have weathered storms and emerged with a stronger bond, find solace in the shared experience of trusting a higher power, and gain insights into maintaining focus amidst life's tumultuous waves. This episode is not just a guide; it's an invitation to reflect, renew, and ready yourself for the journey of companionship, affirming the power of faith and love in crafting a resilient and fulfilling marriage.
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Speaker 3:Well, the second question will go back way before this book series that motivated me to focus on relationships. I'll tell you about that in a minute. But in terms of this book, I didn't realize until I began hearing from some of my male readers that they were actually following the series book one and book two. They followed the series and a few of them asked when do you plan including my own husband, pastor at the time when are you going to address the wrong women to date? I said you know, that's a good point. I absolutely need to do that, even though the books books one and two were actually written in a way that, even if, even though I was focused on helping women at the time, even a man reading some of the things I talk about in there that gives women tips on what they should be looking for and what they should avoid, would benefit a man as well. And so I wanted to do this third book in the same way that, whether it's a woman reading it or a man reading it even though I'm responding in the writing of it to the man who asks for me to address this topic that both male and female will benefit from the information that's in there, because I tried to talk about what you should look for in a man. In this book I'm talking about what you should look for in a woman, but at the same time, all three books are always go back to the person to make sure, encourage them, to make sure they are the best version of themselves. And I talk about different things, like the ruby, and we'll go into more details about that too. So in all of them there's something to benefit both the male and the female. So when I heard, when I wanted to respond to what they asked me to, I could not go back to utilizing fish characters, because many of the readers who enjoyed the first two novels want more fish stories. And so how do I do that? How do I approach that? And so the conversation centered around my husband and I. We talked a little bit and somehow I began researching what other things can I use to describe the female characters? And that's when I started reading some of the behavior of the insects and some of the behaviors of animals, and all of a sudden the behaviors just matched perfectly with the stories I needed to write, as well as the toy that's in the story. So that's how the characters were created and that's how I found myself addressing the wrong women to date.
Speaker 3:In terms of what motivated me after, after retiring and doing so, much of my career was involved. Writing was involved. Whether I was designing a program, designing some training, designing a track to help people coming coming from line staff, moving into management. I mean that was the bulk of my work. So when I retired, I was not looking forward to doing any more writing, really until I had that conversation with my two adult daughters about men and published that very first book on their encouragement, and so I did that, based on what they encouraged me to do. But at the same time, so many people were interested in it and I started speaking at local churches regarding the topic and the day that I saw the millennials running to the front of the church, placing their phones on that very first seat in the very first pew and hitting record to record what I was saying, that told me that this was a message I needed to continue to talk about.
Speaker 3:Even though that first book was nonfiction, I realized that I wanted to make sure that whatever I wrote in these, in the series, was of benefit to a person who was not as familiar with scripture. Some may not have even read it at all. I wanted to make sure that it was designed in a way that was very similar to the parables that Jesus wrote, and that was he designed stories in the parables that allowed a person to see themselves in it, providing them with the tools that they needed If that was a decision they were going to make for themselves. He provided the tools for that, but at the end of the story, it was still left up to them, and so, therefore, the decision is the person. So I wanted to weave those stories in that way, so that's how I got here today.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for that. Now in your book in all your books actually you discussed the importance of recognizing red flags when choosing a partner. Now in this book, what are some specific red flags that men should be aware of when looking for the right wife? Now, before you answer that, I have more questions following up after that and they're more specific. This is just a general, so can you give maybe about two or three red flags that men should look out for or should be aware of?
Speaker 3:so to speak, when looking for the right wife. Well, the first thing I want to say is that red flags the word red R-E-D stands for retreat extremely dangerous, and that's the biggest problem that we have, both on the male side and the female side. We ignore them Sometimes we can't recognize them, or we see them and we just think they're nothing or something that's going to change, and it doesn't. Red flags are there for a reason and it should be used for you to make your decisions about a person In the story. The first red flag that Grayson addresses in chapter one is he tells the man to make sure that you're at the caliber of the wife you're looking for, so that by itself is a red flag. If you're not ready, if you're not matching the caliber that you're seeking, if you're looking for a ruby, he said, make sure you're at ruby level, and so that's one red flag.
Speaker 3:Another red flag, I want to say, specifically for the woman. He talks about two surveys, not two surveys. He shares two surveys because he surveyed the man to see what were some of the challenges they faced in finding the right mate and based on those surveys that he shared with the group, two of them, one in particular was full of red flags and one. What some of the red flags and I'll give one was the microwave woman, and the microwave woman is the woman who not only can't cook but refuses to cook, and so he talks about the fact that it's amazing how many women don't consider cooking as an important skill set, and so it's like some men do, and so he talks about that in his discussion with the men. That would be one I'll leave you with until you ask your specific questions, but the microwave woman is huge.
Speaker 3:I had a recent conversation with a few people at a recent birthday party for my sister, and the one of the things I said to them is amazing to me how people want love, but they don't understand love, because if you understood love, you would understand that this was not something. It knowing how to cook for your mate is not something that anybody's forcing you to do. It's about lovingly wanting to offer your husband the best that you can offer. It's never about his qualities versus your qualities or what role you should have versus his role. It's never about that. We're really talking about love, and from the eyes, and through the eyes of love, you offer your mate the best you can offer them, and so that's really what it's all about.
Speaker 2:I appreciate that and I'm going to let you guys know. I was reading this book and I'm going to tell you something A hit dog always holler. You hear me Now. I had been so caught up in doing this book and this show and doing this and doing that and I started reading this book and Lord behold if I didn't get my apron on and get my tail up in that kitchen because I said I ain't going to get fired on my day off. I went in there and started whipping up something that I thought I was on the master show. I had to show my little tonight. Loosey. Thank God for Dr Bellman, that book boy, because we was all out.
Speaker 3:That's awesome.
Speaker 2:So I just let y'all know, man, that by she gave me a new work man. A new work man. I'm telling you my hub, baby, stop smiling People. You ask my time. My young snapper smile. He's smiling now baby. So I just I was going to throw that out there and say I appreciate you for that blessing, for that gem that you threw in that book, because I was like, nah, I know I ain't no microwave woman, what's going on? I need to get myself in order. So anyway, getting back to the examples, one or two touch bases, I had a good oh my goodness, I had a really good question for the flag. Okay, how can you, how can man, differentiate between minor flaws or quirks and significant red flags that may indicate potential issues in a long term relationship or marriage?
Speaker 3:First of all, they have to make sure that what we, what we talk about throughout each of the books in the series, is focusing on what matters. Now, my conversation in my books and my messaging is not to the one who just want to want to get out there and meet anybody and meet as many people as they would like to meet. That's not the audience I'm referring to, and I refer to that as high school dating. That's in and out, in and out. Whoever you want to go with multiple people at the same time as high school dating. If you're interested in taking your dating to another level, and especially if you're interested in discovering your lifelong make your husband or your wife, then it's important for you to change your strategy, and so your strategy should involve asking serious questions, asking and examining this person who they are, and I equate it to the same manner in which we go into business with another business leader. We're going to examine that they are who they say they are. We're going to examine that their financials are what their financials are. We're going to really dive into that business's history so that you can make sure that it's on solid footing when you make the decision to move forward in a contract or agreement with that business. Now, I'm not talking about marriage as a contract, because that is not the type of marriage I'm talking about, because a contract will have demands in it, and many people want to discover a maid and then make demands of them based on a contract. They're not talking about a contract because that's not the description of love as I understand it. It is a covenant agreement, and so, therefore, you want to make sure that you're serious about finding the person that you would like to spend the rest of your life with, then you should change that strategy to ensure that you ask the right questions very early on. And one key question I remember I had my oldest daughter, elvie. I had her to change her dating questions at the time, and she began to ask those questions of the guys who expressed an interest in her. She was shocked at how quickly they ran because of the fact that by that one question, they couldn't handle it. But the one person that could is the one that she's married to now, and so what I'm saying is you want to take this process serious, if that's what you want. If that's not what you want, then that's okay with me.
Speaker 3:We speak to those who are serious about discovering their mate, and you have.
Speaker 3:Any man has to begin in the beginning, just like I suggest to the women.
Speaker 3:One of the things that we talk about in the book and Pastor Grayson is the one that's leading the charge with the man he tells the man to make sure that they have prepared themselves, just like they're expecting the woman to come with certain attributes and characteristics, and they have to prepare themselves as well, and so therefore applying the same questions, because he tells the man that they are the worst at falling for what they see on the outside, which in the books we refer to as conditions, and conditions change over time. What you're looking at 20 years from now, that person is not going to look like that. What you see, that person may not have those conditions later on, and so it's important for you to be careful what you're using to examine that person. So we're not trying to examine conditions, and men have been notorious over the years and falling for what a woman looks like, and so Pastor Grayson is telling them Dr Bellma, if you can hear me, I need you to get into a better area.
Speaker 2:You just okay.
Speaker 3:I think I lost you for a minute. One of the things that Pastor Grayson tells the men is they have been failing at this for a while because they were more focused on the condition of a woman, more so than women were with men. It's the women who changed what they used to do, because women were better at examining the heart of the man that they wanted to date. We just began failing at it. The books are basically just taking the women back to what they used to know In terms of the men. Pastor Grayson said women were better at this in the beginning. Now they're having to change. He's teaching the men you need to do the same too.
Speaker 3:Stop falling in love with what you see. Way to examine that person before you give them your heart is expensive real estate. You shouldn't be offering your heart to just anybody without first again like that agreement going into agreement with a business you want to examine them. You want to do your research. You want to know that who you're giving this expensive real estate to is worthy of receiving this expensive real estate. So Grayson tells the men start there first with the right questions to make sure you're examining them.
Speaker 3:And then you said something about the quirks and red flags are simply that they're warning to you on purpose, and what we've trained ourselves to do is to just overlook it, because really, some of the people are falling in love just by what they see. So when a red flag pops up, it's nothing. It's not a red flag to you because you're already in love with what you see. So Grayson reminds the man to hold on to your love for a minute. Remember that expensive real estate. Hold on to falling in love too quickly and make sure you take the time to examine that person. And this process doesn't take years for you to do, to put your life on hold for one person and you're not even sure if that person meets the requirements that you're looking for. The right questions very early on will get you some of those answers. And if you see red flags in there, run forest run.
Speaker 2:What do you say? Run forest? We had these times all the time, y'all. And look when we get up to a red flag about anything like any topic, she's like did you run Right? Did you run? Did you run fast? Did you run, run, forest, run.
Speaker 2:I love when she said that. Okay. So going back to that, In your book you discussed the importance of women being mindful not to risk their marriage by tearing down their own house. Could you explain what you mean by tearing down their own house and why is it a potential risk to a marriage?
Speaker 3:Well, there's several reasons for that and we talked a little bit about some of the things that happens when a person is exploring a person, an individual that they're hoping to build a lifelong marriage with, and sometimes, if you don't apply some of the things that I talk about in the books, that you've gone into a marriage relationship without really doing your due diligence, you haven't really scrutinized this person like you should, and in all of the characters, most of these characters, they're described as Proverbs 14b, what Proverbs 14b says. But the whole scripture says a wise woman builds her home, her house, but a foolish one tears it down. So we're predominantly talking about foolish women, and so I want you to understand that, just like in the book in the wrong catch, grayson talks about the number of scriptures that address fools over 50 scriptures where God describes what a fool acts like and looks like, sounds like. And so here we have in this third installation. Grayson is reminding the men what foolish women look like.
Speaker 3:A foolish woman will tear down. She has no means to build, she has a lack of knowledge, she has a lack of requirements, she has no sense of urgency, she doesn't care, she has a lack of sense, she lacks the sense of understanding what it takes to run a household. She doesn't have the capability to run a household. She doesn't have the capability to be the woman that you're expecting her to be. She's ill qualified.
Speaker 3:I don't want to say ignorant, but that's what a fool is. A fool is ignorant, and you can't reason with unreasonable people. That's what an ignorant person has been described as. You can't reason with an unreasonable person, and so a foolish woman is one of those who are unreasonable. Argumentative like a dripping faucet Bart's orders. She cannot handle the things that God is saying that a woman should be able to handle with her husband in a house. She's incapable of building anything.
Speaker 3:So because she's ill prepared, because she's untrained and unlearned, because she lacks wisdom, because she is not financially savvy, because she lacks the ability to understand what needs to be done in a house and I'm not talking about domestic roles, I'm talking about a seasoned woman who understands who she is and what who she is in her husband's life. I'm talking about that kind of woman. She's not sensitive to anybody's feelings, she's selfish. And who wants that kind of a woman? And so many women, so many men, have fallen in love with what she may look like on the outside rather than examining who she really is. And so that's the bottom line of a foolish woman. It says that many of these women are ill prepared, immoral, selfish, reckless, idle, hate, wisdom, negligent, bad manners, a waste does evil, does not love God and only brings ruin to the household.
Speaker 2:Come on through now, dr Valmina, I need you to preach today. Okay, I really do. I need you. I need you to. If you guys do not know that, I didn't go over her biography and everything, but she is, thank you, a woman of God and also a pastor, and she's been in ministry for a long, long time. So you know this is not just you know, somebody does a regular dating and relationship coach. That took a few classes and so, oh yeah, I can do this. No, she'll be married 50 years. Okay, and yes, she is certified dating and relationship coach, but she is also a true woman of God. And how long you've been, you've been preaching.
Speaker 2:Preach a 30 plus years 30 plus years, and how long have Papa bag? We've been preaching about the same Amen. God bless y'all, ministry. So I just want to let you know that this is coming from a reliable source. Amen, amen, all right, all right. So back to the questions. You touched on something that actually I was writing down, the question as you was talking about it. Are there any specific behaviors or attitudes that women should be cautious about in order to avoid damaging their marriage? And before you finish that, before you start, how can they cultivate a positive mindset and contribute to the growth and stability of the marriage?
Speaker 3:Are you still there?
Speaker 2:Yes, did you. Did you catch the question? Yeah, I thought I had lost you. Okay, yes, I can repeat it again because I wrote it down. Are there any specific behaviors or attitudes that women should be cautious about, because you know, sometimes we can have our days, you know we'll wait, and different things. So, in order to avoid damaging their marriage, and how can they cultivate a positive mindset and contribute to the growth and stability of the marriage?
Speaker 3:I think the one of the things you have to do is to make sure you understand what your role, what? How does God describe you in the role of your marriage? And I think it's important for you to embrace all of it. We break it down a little bit in book one in terms of who a woman should be so she can understand who she is, because in that character in the very first book, she did not understand who she was and so she was failing at connecting with the right men because she didn't understand her value and her worth. And I said and so basically, if you can just start with what you know, god has said about you there are certain things that men will not be able to accomplish without you by your side, and so it's important for you to understand that kind of role, and it's not based on you barking orders towards him or complaining every day. But you'd have to understand, learn, take your time to understand who your husband is, how to engage in conversations with him, when to challenge him and how to challenge him Now.
Speaker 3:The scripture talks about the fact that a man would hate to be in a house with an argumentative woman, one who's barking orders, or even one who's so fussy that she's like a dripping faucet He'd rather sit on the corner of a rooftop than to sit, than to be found in a house with her. So you have to learn how to use grace in your marriage, in which your relationship, trusting that God, is in the forefront of your relationship in the very beginning, before you actually say your ideas. So, as long as God is in the middle of it, you want to trust God to make any changes that he needs to make in your husband, just like you're going to trust God to make any changes that he has to make in you. So that requires that one of the first things you need to have in your arsenal is one you must have a relationship with God. And two, you must be a woman of prayer. Because, let me tell you, sometimes you have to just drop to your knees and pray about a problem before you start confronting people with the problem. Sometimes you have to drop to your knees and ask God to give the timing for the conversation that you need to have to make sure that there's understanding on both sides. Sometimes you have to have God to set it up for you. So you've got to know how to pray, you've got to know what things to call on in terms of what God has promised you, and so if you don't have those tips and tools, you're not going to do too well because you don't have anything in your arsenal.
Speaker 3:And so the prayer becomes a weapon, a mighty weapon, in your marriage. It becomes a weapon that you have to use even while you're dating the person, because, of course, you're talking to God about whether or not this person is the one for you, whether or not you see some things that you're going to need God to help on. Now I'm not talking about asking God to help with red flags, that's not what I'm saying. As you move along and you see the things and the qualities in the heart of the person that you see that will benefit you, and you do marry them, you want to keep these tools with you throughout the marriage, because some things you just need to pray about and keep quiet about, some things you don't always have to present to your husband, some things you just need to talk to God about and let God present them.
Speaker 3:And so those are some things that I think a woman needs to learn how to do showing grace in a marriage, because the one place you will live out scripture is in your marriage.
Speaker 3:All of the scriptures, whether it's being forgiving, whether it's forgetting, whether it's going to bed without you know, going to bed without anger, not letting the sun come up on your anger, whether it's putting things aside that don't necessarily have to be fixed right now so that, for the sake of peace, whether it's showing grace when somebody makes a mistake, you just overlook it, you pray about it, you forgive, you let it go, because letting it go and forgiving doesn't mean you bring it up next week. You learn to let it go and not bring it up ever again. It's just like what God does with us when he forgives us. So a lot of the scripture you will learn to live them out in the house, because you can't escape the person that you're living with. You can go back to your house if you're single, close the door, not answer the phone, but in a marriage you must face every one of those challenges because they're right in the house with you.
Speaker 2:I agree, I agree. I got another question Are there any cultural or societal factors that may influence the prevalence or perception of red flags in partner selection? Like how can men navigate these factors effectively?
Speaker 3:One of the things is just to learn what you should be looking for. Learn the qualities you should be looking for and made, and Proverbs 31 breaks it down very easily for a man to follow. Proverbs 31 tells you about a woman who's a co-leader, about a woman who knows how to manage. About a woman who's good with her finances. About a woman who knows how to barter. About a woman who knows how to make the dollar stretch. About a woman who knows how to put money aside and hold on to things that she acquired. About a woman that uses her talent and abilities to help advance the family's needs or the family's finances in themselves. She understands, she knows quality in terms of what she brings home. She knows what's best for her whole home life and for her family. She has the godly character. She makes her family and her household her highest priority.
Speaker 3:I heard you say something about making sure you take time out of all the things you have to do in your busy schedule to make sure your husband is satisfied. All of that. She knows where her priorities lie, and so, therefore, her husband trusts her, and so, therefore, he knows who she is, and so does everybody else, and so that's important to know. He just has to take his time and apply what we've already been given as our descriptions. I mean, that's one when you think about his value. Her value is far more than a Ruby. He understands what he's looking for in the first place. When he's looking for a Ruby, you know he's got to be at Ruby level. Don't come acting like you want a Ruby and you barely a shoelace. You want to make sure you're as valuable as she.
Speaker 3:Not only that if she's to be your crown, the crown of her husband, then you want to recognize that too.
Speaker 3:So therefore, he has to make sure he's looking for that for the woman who can be that, because a crown, a woman to become her husband's crown can't be a foolish woman. She can't be someone who's going to tear things down. She can't be somebody that's negligent and who's a bad manager, whether with our own money or somebody else's. She can't be that. And so it's important for him to take what we have already been given in scripture and apply it to his ability to examine who she really is in her heart, because she is going to be his crown, which means she's not someone that's out in the neighborhood shaming him. She's not some of the one that's going to be rotten as to his bones. And so, therefore, in a lifelong covenant with her and him, you want to make sure that, as you learn to live together, as you learn to leave, leave and weave your relationship, your marriage, your life, you want to make sure you're applying all those things to that.
Speaker 2:Amazing and powerful, powerful description. Now we talked about the cultural or societal factors for the men, now the women. Almost the same question, but I'm a kind of reword it, if I may Any cultural or societal factors that may influence the tendency for women to unintentionally risk their marriage by tearing down their own house, and how can women navigate these factors and make choices that support the health and longevity of their marriage?
Speaker 3:If a person is unintentionally doing something, that's, someone who doesn't have any experience or who has not been taught or trained, because unintentional do something is to do something because you don't know any better, and so it's important for you to have that kind of wisdom and if you don't, to try to get that kind of wisdom and get that kind of help. Some cultures are interesting, both on the male and the female side. There are some cultures where the women is trained or groomed to be subservient, so no opinion, no partnership, just whatever he says, it goes. And then there's some cultures on the male side I'm the man and you have no input and you have no voice and it's my voice and my word only. So you have that kind of mentality in some cultures and so all of that becomes red flags, because we have some examples of that in the characters in the book, and so it's important for you to understand what you need to know in terms of a lifelong mate, and that's why I said in the very beginning that person or persons have to know that they want a quality individual. They want to look at true qualities in terms of their characteristics. So what's at the center of that person's heart. They want to examine that.
Speaker 3:But if you go into a relationship with those kind of attitudes that I just mentioned, because they have been culturally groomed or you were raised that way, it's important for you to recognize what's wrong about you and accept it and try to change it.
Speaker 3:And I think that's what the word of God does for all of us that, whatever background you may have had, the word helps us to do better. The word helps us to make sure we're prepared better, and that's why a lot of what I talk about I talk about preparing way before you marry, not to say that some of these things can be changed, because they can, thanks to the grace of God. But the only way to do that is you have to see it, see what it looks like in terms of what the word says. You have to see what your personality type looks like versus what the word of God says. I guess it's what I'm trying to say. You have to see what it says you should be. And if you don't know that and you don't see that, you'll never change. It's going to continue to be the way you are. Some cultural teaching is wrong and that's just the bottom line compared to what God says we should be and how we should be.
Speaker 2:Queenie says a shoe lace. Yes, I saw that. I was just going to speak on the shoe lace, queenie. Yes, I was just going to speak on it. Okay. So getting back to what you were saying about the cultural, societal expectations, how can women strike a balance between expressing their needs and concerns in a marriage while also being mindful not to inadvertently damage the relationship or their partner's self-esteem?
Speaker 3:You know, communication should have been something they were working on way before they got married. You shouldn't have established how you prefer to communicate how you prefer, and the other thing that you would pay attention to is what type of personality that your maid has. Some of us, you know, some of us are social butterflies. Some of us are married to a maid that isn't a social butterfly. Some of us enjoy communicating, while some of us are married to people who are shy and withdrawn, and so you really need to understand what you're marrying and who you're married to and adjust your style of communicating with them that way.
Speaker 3:It is unfair for you to be intimidating to someone who may be more reserved than you. Just because they're not a communicator like you doesn't mean you have to disrespect them and really talk down to them, because their style is different. So you have to manage and try to blend the styles. That's why I said earlier, god said for us to believe Mother and Father. He told us to cleave only unto each other. Where to become one. He said where to become one, which means that we are personalities, who we are, together as one, and then cleave to each other and stay, stick. And so if we don't do that it's important for us to do it correctly Then we need to go back to the drawing board because if you're already in the marriage, you really need to learn some new tips and styles to help you to survive and grow strong and build a lifelong marriage with each other.
Speaker 3:Because if you don't, these problems are going to continue to surface and at some point somebody's going to get tired of having to go through these changes.
Speaker 3:So expressing the need in marriage requires that you understand who you marry, understand their personality, type, their style of communicating, so you can be sensitive and show grace with how you approach the topic, whatever that topic might be. I mentioned earlier making sure you're praying about the right timing of it, that God gives you the right words, that God will open up the heart of the person you're talking to, so that when you do have the discussion it's not intimidating, it's not picking on the person that you're talking to or diminishing who they are, but you're showing grace and love when you have the conversation, because it may be required that the change starts with you. You might be ready to have a conversation with a mate, but you might find after prayer that God has said no, don't have the conversation with that person. Why don't you work on this in you first, and you might find that out as well, and that's why it's important for you to have God to go to.
Speaker 2:Amen, amen. Now I'm going to ask the same question for both. Okay, we're going to start with the women. What advice or guidance do you have for women who may be struggling with damaging their marriage, and how can they begin to make positive changes and rebuild a strong foundation?
Speaker 3:Girl that's going to require some counseling. Because, if somebody's in a relationship.
Speaker 2:Hey, what if I tell them where they could book you?
Speaker 3:I'm not even sure if I can work with this kind of individual, because this sounds like an individual. In my book I said if you're in a marriage and you're there damaging the marriage, there's some problems there, there's something off. You might be one of those that might fall into the category of your foolish woman, but if you have a desire to change, it could be that your relationship with God is not intact yet and you need to start there. You need to start with that. I also talk about the fact in all the stories past the grace and the character he reminds both the male and the females. You need to declutter the stuff that's got you to this point.
Speaker 3:Some people got cold dependency issues and they haven't addressed it. And cold dependency issues have nothing to do with drugs. It has to do with emotional issues and things that you picked up along the way how you were raised and who were your parents and what did you go through. Cold dependency issues can be brought on by many things and guess what, if you haven't taken the time to declutter and lia side all the pain and the weight, you bring those problems forward into your marriage.
Speaker 3:And this sounds like a person that may have some cold dependency issues and may need to slow down a bit and really look at who they are, how they got to this point and what it is they have to let go of so that they can become healthy and whole, for that makes that they have, since they're already in a marriage. If they're struggling with it, that tells me that they got some issues they haven't let go of, and I always tell folks that you can tell what a person needs to do when they're causing this kind of problem. That sounds like to me that the person never dealt with the issues they had before moving into that marriage, and that's why I encourage single women to deal with them before they go into the marriage. This is not fair. You can have the perfect mate, but because you're so broken and you've not dealt with those issues, you get the guy and before you know it, he's broken too because you made him broken.
Speaker 1:Courage.
Speaker 2:I love it, I love it, I love it. Now for the men. What advice or guidance do you have for men who may be currently in a marriage or considering marriage but have concerns about potential red flags? How can they navigate these concerns and make informed decisions?
Speaker 3:Well, there's two different answers. If you're in a marriage, you need to be talking to Jesus because he's going to have to help you navigate what you're going to have to do by first changing you. There's going to be some things you're going to have to walk through yourself before you see any changes in her, and that's what it starts with you. And if you're not in that marriage, red flags are there for a reason Retreat extremely dangerous. That's why it says that because red flags are just that Just people just walk around any kind of way and many people don't do anything in terms of what they need to change in their lives, but yet they expect the perfect prince to walk into their lives and marry them. And the same with the men.
Speaker 3:In this book. Grace tells the men again why would you look for a ruby if you're not even at ruby level? So if you haven't even dealt with your own issues and problems, why would you want somebody to? Why would you want perfect I'm just going to call it perfect the perfect woman to come into your life when you're imperfect? So basically, that's saying that he has work to do as well If he's single. You need to make sure that you deal with your own issues. And if you're seeing red flags and you should not be moving forward with that person period, I don't care how good they look Beyond what you see on the surface, if you're seeing red flags, there's so many examples in this upcoming book of what happened to the men who ignored those red flags and it's not pretty.
Speaker 2:Well, I appreciate you coming on today. I thank you so much for all the wisdom that you always have, and I'm just going to give a summary of what I took from this episode, and then we're going to end in prayer and in song. So when women tear down their own house in the context of marriage, it refers to behaviors, attitudes or actions that undermine the stability and health of the relationship. Now, this concept emphasizes the importance of being careful not to risk their marriage by engaging in behaviors that can lead to negative dynamics or just ruin the relationship or the marriage in whole. Now, according to what I took from Dr Velma because I truly wanted to let Dr Velma speak without interrupting her, because y'all know how to do so I always try to get my Linda thoughts at the end, as I'm going to start doing According to Dr Velma, tearing down your own house can manifest in a lot of ways.
Speaker 2:It may involve behaviors like constant criticism, but literally remarks, withholding affection, or engaging in unhealthy communication patterns, or what she just said. These actions can dissolve the trust, it can create resentment and it can just contribute to just a negative environment within the marriage. So to me, dr Velma explained that the potential risk of tearing down your own house is the breakdown gradual breakdowns, should I say of the marriage itself. When women consistently engage in behaviors that undermine the relationship, it can damage the emotional connection between the partners, breed discontent and ultimately lead to just the erosion for lack of a better word of the marital bond that they have. So, by emphasizing the concept of tearing down a house, dr Velma is urging women to be mindful of their actions and choices within the marriage. She encourages women to cultivate self-awareness, promote healthy communication and make conscious efforts to support and uplift your partner.
Speaker 2:Okay, I took all this into consideration myself, and on the 18th I will be married eight years. We will be together 10 years. So I appreciate, you know just, and I know she wasn't talking about me but even being happily married like we are, I'm not going to say that there are not challenges and reading, just starting with the catch over to the wrong catch. And now to the catch. She'll tear down a house.
Speaker 2:I felt like every book was for me and my husband felt like every book was for him, and even the workbook that she had, which, by the way, shameless Plugged. All of these books are available right now on Amazon and she'll tear down a house that will be available right now I mean on the 22nd, the 22nd on Amazon. So I just want a Shameless Plugged there. But getting back to what I took from this episode today and you stop me at any time if I'm wrong but this approach helps women like me, like you, like single women, like single men, create a strong and nurturing foundation for your marriage, reducing the risk of just damaging your relationship. Dr Velma's explanation highlights the importance of women taking responsibility and accountability for your role in the marriage and making conscious choices that contribute to the growth and stability and overall well-being in the marriage. So that's my book report. That's my Listen Linda report.
Speaker 3:I love that book report. Send me a copy. That's a good report and I say also that if you identify yourself in any one of these areas, make sure you take the time to you mentioned self-awareness, but also make sure you address those issues so that you can overcome them in order for you to build or rebuild your marriage relationship.
Speaker 2:I agree, I agree, and there took a lot of that for me and for my husband. They look and they see us and we are an amazing couple. If I may, too to our horn just a little bit, but we're still fairly new and we are still learning each other and growing in each other. And I just think I think people like you and Pastor and Papa Bagby and Dr Audrey Ann and her husband because I get to see it from two different perspectives right, and also Pastor Shirley Berthal, who was on the show earlier, and also Pastor Gwen Mice, who was on the show earlier I get to see it from a lot of different perspectives. Yours, you guys were married going on 50 years. Dr Audrey Ann was married. They got a divorce. They got back together Dr Shirley Berthal, who had been married for 55 years, and they've been together for the whole 55 and they do ministry together as well.
Speaker 2:And then you got Gwen Mice. She's been married for 18 years. They were on a break of divorce. They were going through a lot. She talked about it Attempted suicide, cheating, going through all of that stuff and how she went, and she prayed to God, asked God to fix her marriage and fix everything that was going on in it and he did just that and they've been happily married now for a total of 11 years with no infidelity, no team.
Speaker 2:So it is things that you can do from different perspectives, but if you go about it the way that I see Dr Velma go about it seeing those red flags in the beginning and not overlooking them like some of the people that I've discussed today, they kind of overlooked them in the beginning and then they felt like they were stuck. You are not stuck, but, however, if you are single, don't get stuck, don't overlook the red flags, and that's all Dr Velma is saying. Everybody is not going to find their high school sweetheart in the beginning, and that's okay, that's okay. But also keep in mind that if those red flags Don't look and that's the reason why I asked you about the quirkiness and the flaws, because sometimes you know we are still growing and we have things that we have to do. But do those things before the marriage, yeah, those things before you get involved, what's your? You, like dr Vilma, say Be the lit. I mean, make the list. Then become the list, mm-hmm, because you want to. If you have this long list that you you are looking for in someone else, you have to reflect that list, because the person that's on that list ain't gonna want you right, that's right. That's all I gotta say about it.
Speaker 2:That's Jackie Stout's today's show, and I want to thank all the listeners you guys have been costing on here. Usually you guys drop down, but the 1.38K Listeners Thank you guys so much. Thank you to my highlighted listeners tonight Dr Audrey and miss Queenie Clem. I truly, truly appreciate you guys. And before we close, I would I would just humbly ask dr Vilma to end us in prayer, and they were gonna end with the song of dr Vilma's choice.
Speaker 3:Okay, I just want to say one thing in the in the case of the marriage that I talked about, the importance of showing grace in the marriage and Waiting on God to give you directions in terms of what you need to do to make the changes.
Speaker 3:But keep in mind that God loves a testimony and sometimes, as you move through these difficult times and difficult seasons, it's on purpose, because God loves to build a testimony out of you, and so keep that in mind and have me. Father, I just want to thank you for everything that you've done during this conversation. I thank you for listening, linda, and what you have done in terms of giving Sister Jacqueline insight on this platform, or God, in terms of how you wanted built, how you wanted to establish and how you wanted to grow. God, I pray that you bless her, as the host, and her family, and continue to open up her eyes to the things that you want discussed on this platform. I thank you for what you allow us to talk about today and I pray that all that we've talked about will help someone along the way. We honor you. We give your name the glory in Jesus name, amen.
Speaker 2:Amen, amen, and I'm gonna end in song, and the song that I'm gonna end it with is Definitely gotta be Breathe, boba. No oceans where my feet may fail. Thank you guys, so much for tuning in tonight, and have a blessed and wonderful night.
Speaker 3:You do the same good night.
Speaker 1:You call me out upon the waters. The great unknown Feed may fail, and there I find you, in the mystery, in all shunts deep, my faith will stand. I will call upon your name and keep my eyes above the waves. When options rise, your embrace, I am yours. Your grace abounds in these waters. Your sovereign hand Will be my guide. Your feet may fail and fear surrounds me. You've never failed and you won't suck ground. So I will call upon your name and keep my eyes above the waves when options rise. When options rise, your soul will rest and your embrace, I am yours and you are mine, for you are mine.
Speaker 1:Spirit leading where my trust is without bones. Let me walk upon the waters Wherever you would call me. Take me deep within my fear could ever wonder and my faith will be made stronger In the presence of my Savior Spirit leading where my trust is without bones. Let me walk upon the waters Wherever you would call me. Take me deep within my fear could ever wonder and my faith will be made stronger In the presence of my Savior Spirit leading where my trust is without bones. Let me walk upon the waters Wherever you would call me. Take me deep within my fear could ever wonder, and my faith will be made stronger In the presence of my Savior.
Speaker 1:Spirit leading where my trust is without bones, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deep within. My fear could ever wonder, and my faith will be made stronger In the presence of my Savior. I will go upon your name and keep my eyes and go away. When you find a friend that you'll find the rest of your life. Hey, I am yours, you are, you are, you are. I am yours, you are mine, you are mine, I am yours, you are mine, you are mine.