Listen Linda! Hosted by Jacquiline Cox
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Listen Linda! Hosted by Jacquiline Cox
Leaving the High School Mindset: Dr. Velma Bagby's Insights on Mature Relationships and Faithful Love
What if leaving behind a high school mindset could be the key to finding a mature and meaningful relationship? Join us on the Listen Linda show as Dr. Velma Bagby, a cherished friend of our platform, shares her profound insights on dating and marriage. This episode is packed with heartfelt reflections, powerful prayers, and real-life wisdom that will guide you toward creating relationships built on patience, faith, and mutual respect. Dr. Velma's return brings a refreshing and transformative perspective on aligning values and goals with your partner, making this a conversation you won't want to miss.
We promise you'll walk away with invaluable lessons on the importance of prayer, faithfulness, and genuine support in a relationship. Listen as we explore personal stories and uplift each other in the journey toward true love and maturity. With Dr. Velma's guidance, we can all strive to leave behind the immaturity of youth and step into relationships that fulfill our deepest needs. Tune in for a transformative dialogue that combines spiritual growth with practical advice, helping you find and nurture the love you truly deserve.
I for not rushing with no man. That wasn't made for me. See, this love, we have gotta be tailored. Big question with no man. That ain't no fit for me. Do you pray, cause I pray? You want kids, I want. Are you faithful? Always tell me, can you send a ring? You can't unraque me with quiet.
Speaker 2:Certain I'm a queen, me require certain things, and that's what I pray for. So that's what I wait for. Dear God, come on, you're telling me I'm gonna be ready. Dear God, you do it for me. I won't forget it. My heart has been through so much and I just wanna feel your love for once. And, dear God, I hope he's happy Already here. What if it's too? I know he is. I hope he's happy already here. What if you do? I know he is, I know he will. Did God? That's what I pray for. So that's what I wait for and I vow to be everything you need. Share my life with you on the right. You and I promise to support all your dreams, but I gotta know that you were made for me. Do you pray, cause I pray? You want kids, I want a. Are you faithful? Oh wait, tell me, can you send a ring? You a king, I'm a queen me require certain things, and that's what I pray for. So that's what I pray for so that's what I wait for that's what I wait for.
Speaker 2:But if it's him I know he is, I know he will dear God, dear God, that's what I pray for. So that's what I wait for Tell one more person.
Speaker 3:Tell one more person if you're looking for somebody, he's gone and you don't need nobody else. There's no question of your greatness, no searching of your power. Oh, the wonder of your glory. To you, for the years is but one hour. Your knowledge is all encompassing to your wisdom, there is no end. For you alone are God. You are God alone.
Speaker 4:Yes, yes, yes, hey y'all. Hey, beautiful people, I just want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you for rocking with me during my mid-season break. I took that time to do some serious self-reflecting and work on some exciting new projects that I have coming up, and I appreciate your patience and support more than you know. Now I am thrilled to welcome the incredible Dr Velma Bagby back to the Listen Linda show. Today we're diving into a topic that is so close to my heart, but it just it revels in Dr Velma's existence of who she is as a person. Dating and marriage no more high school mindsets. This conversation is going to be real, it's going to be raw, it's going to be transformative. So let's get into it Now. Before we do, let's take a moment to center ourselves. Dear Heavenly Father, we come together today with open hearts and open minds. We thank you for this opportunity to share wisdom and love with one another. Lord, just guide our words and our thoughts as we go into this important conversation about dating and marriage. Help us to leave behind those high school mindsets and step into the growth and the understanding that you have for us. Lord, god, let this dialogue be filled with light laughter and, most of all, learning. We want to inspire each other and everyone that is listening. In your name we pray Amen. In your name, we pray Amen, dr V. Are you there? Hit the unmute button. Love, I'm here. Can you hear me? Okay, I can hear you great, hey, mama V. Hey, I'm so happy to be here. Listen, linda was one of the first stations, radio, podcast, host, magazine, editor, all of that One of the first to provide me support, put their arms around me. So I'm excited to be with you today. I really am, and I'm always always, always a pleasure to have you to come on my show to just tell these people to grow up. Ok, I love it. I love it. I love you Going back to Isaiah 40 and 31.
Speaker 4:Ok, come on, come on, come on, tell me what Isaiah 40 and 31 say. I talked about Isaiah 40 and 31 say. I talked about isaiah 40 and 31 on the podcast and and I gave the definitions because people assume it says that that, um, it, we want to grow up. Right, is that what you just said? Yes, it says they that wait upon the lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles, and what we don't realize is I was explaining why the wait season is just as important as the man or woman walking into your life, because god does something in that waiting. So I called it wait w-a-i-t training.
Speaker 4:Because the original language for they that wait, that word wait in the original language for they that wait, that word wait in the original language means they that take strands and tie and bind them together, they shall renew their strength. And that original language that said grow up. So if you go back and look at it, they that take strands and weave and tie them together shall grow up in strength. That's what it originally said. And because what it says is just like with your muscles. Your muscles are strands too. So you don't if you don't strengthen them and if you're not building them, it's not growing strands, it's not getting stronger.
Speaker 4:What it's the same in the way season your strands. Because faith is a muscle. You have to get those strands of your faith and start building while you're in that season. So you build those strands while you're studying, while you're in prayer, while you go to worship, while you read the word, while you're in meditation. You're building those strands and you're tying those cords together. Because in that weight season. God is helping you to grow up before he presents that person. Come on, she was talking to herself with a word and I ain't even gave her no question. I think you started it all. Yes, that's it, and so we don't when we, when we really dig deep into what it's really saying, stop complaining. When you're in the wait season, stop complaining and know that you dare to grow up and you thank god for your wait season.
Speaker 4:Yes, ma'am, thank god for your wait season. It don't matter how tough it may feel, that's right. How, how sad you feel, how sad you may feel, how down you may feel, just continue to praise him in that season, because you know that it can't always be night. There will be a time that comes that the sun is going to shine and when it does, he's going to bring you out victorious. Victorious, and and knowing that, we have to make sure that we praise god and we thank god through it all, because we know that it's a blessing after the lesson, girl, you're a different person when you come out. You, you've grown up. You thank god. You just know you'll be like look, if I'm going through our list, I know you guys. Oh, it's gonna's going to be magnificent. The world is going to know about this. No, but guess what? Your kids?
Speaker 4:do when you tell them no, no, wait until you're a little older. You're not ready for this yet. No, wait, no, you got to wait. I'll say yes in a couple of years. You're telling your kids the same thing all the time and guess what they have to do? They have to wait because they're growing up, to get to the place where you can say, yes, it's the same for us, we're growing up in that season, so so that god can say yes when we've grown up. Yes, yes, praise god for that ministry. Oh, we ain't even see, we ain't even hit the surface. Call me a, bla me in, cut me in blades. That's what I'm talking about.
Speaker 4:See, I love when Dr Bell would come to my show. I really, truly do, because she always come with a word of wisdom, but she always comes also with experience and knowledge and she's not a gatekeeper, she's going to give it to you, you know, and I truly. And when she does, she does it with love and I just truly appreciate you for coming. And, yes, I'm about to kick the kick it off. So, dr velma, let's kick things off with your amazing catch series, because that's how all of this pretty much started. So what inspired you? For the people who may not know who you are, who this may be maybe their first couple of times listening in on my show for the let's see how many people we got in here today. For the 29 people who are listening right now, what inspired you to write these books and what key messages do you hope readers take away when it comes to dating and relationships?
Speaker 4:Well, I think what really gave me what I needed to know because, like any writer who's beginning in a new direction, because my very first book on dating and relationships was a Christian nonfiction and it was pretty much capturing conversations I had with my own adult daughters, and so, as an ordained minister, we're trained to expound upon the word. Don't add your personal opinion. Let the word speak for itself. So that's where non-fiction comes in. There's a portion of the Christian community. That's all they want to read. There's a portion of them that are not interested in fiction. So I was curious about fiction and whether or not I should lean toward that direction, and there were two things that helped me. One was, of course, any new author will always look at what's already out there and get a little intimidated by the field if it's flooded in the genre you're interested in writing in. And then there was the feeling that, okay, what do I do if I go into fiction, if I move away from nonfiction? What do I do? Based on that training, I received what I'm speaking. I have to speak the truth, don't add my opinion. So then I read a blog of a Christian friend who had the same issue. People were complaining about fiction and then she broke down the parables and that set me free, because the parables Jesus used.
Speaker 4:He didn't use nonfiction when he taught people. He used fictional stories because Jesus didn't want to intimidate, didn't want anybody to feel bad about where they were. He simply just wanted to weave a story where they can see themselves in it, self-discovery. And then in the story he included a way to change or a way out. So it was up to the still. You know this is free will. This is what he gave us in this world. So he left it up to the individual to make the change. But in the story he gave them everything they needed to work out of whatever state they were in. When I saw that and read that, I said, okay, if Jesus can do it, that's exactly what I want to do. I want to weave stories in a way that people can just discover themselves in it and so that I can weave the stories in a way that shows the same thing he did. Give you tools to get out of it, give you tools to change all of that, but it's still up to you to make the decision.
Speaker 4:And when I found that, that really set me free and as I wrote that very first book, I knew what was going to be about. I was going to use fish as the characters for the men. So I called my fish expert, which was my oldest brother, and he that's what he does every day, all day. If it stays, if he could stay until midnight, he would. And so I said tell me about your favorite fish. And as he began to explain why he likes catching catfish because they're bottom feeders, they're dirt, they eat dirt, they eat dead food, they eat food that's smelly, they don't work for anything, they sit at the bottom of the lake and wait for the food to come to them, so dead things that fall to the bottom of the lake. All that as he began to give the description. And then he began to explain how to catch them. I could see the exact male or male character for that particular fish.
Speaker 4:Many would talk about the sturgeon. He said those are hard to catch because they're really tough. He said they don't, they're sneaky. And when like the, nibble the bait, he said you could sit there all day trying to catch a sturgeon and you literally don't know that sturgeon has already eaten the bait off the hook because they're sneaky about it. So that's where my character came from the sturgeon who likes to nibble. And then the salmon. He said those are the hardest of all of them because they're very strong and will fly up out of the water to knock the hook out of his mouth. So they fight getting caught.
Speaker 4:So there goes my character in the book who hates commitment. Yet women go after them because they're strong. They may look the part, but they're not interested in commitment at all. And there are women who think they can change their minds. They won't, and all of that. And so the last one was the pufferfish.
Speaker 4:Even though people don't fish for them, I found the puffer fish, even though people don't fish for them. I found the puffer fish character interesting because the puffer fish is very combative. They sit in a space where they don't want anybody messing around with them. So the minute you agitate the puffer fish, it puffs up. Now the one thing about its appearance it has human-like eyes, so it looks friendly, but it's not, because when you agitate it it pops three times, pops up three times its size, and then you have these poisonous points coming out of his body to attack you. And so that was my example of a toxic relationship, someone who's very abusive.
Speaker 4:So as I got these fish stories, it was very easy and of course, jesus used fish in many of his parables, but I thought it would be unique. After my brother told me these characteristics of the fish that he would try to catch, that they would make perfect characters. And that's how this all began. And after that first book release, the readers asked me to write more fish stories because they could resonate with the story. They said I met all of these guys and one lady was in the story. They said I met all of these guys and one lady was in the dating pool. She said now I'm starting to look at me and trying to determine okay, which fish are you? And then there was the goldfish which you happily have caught, a Mr Cox goldfish. The goldfish doesn't look like necessarily, doesn't necessarily look like maybe what she was looking for in the book.
Speaker 4:She ignored him because they had been around the same spaces and places and she ignored him because she felt like that wasn't the one she wanted. She didn't like the type of work he did. He worked in construction, and that's what we do Women do. They judge the man based on what he does rather than looking at his heart. And so she judged him because she didn't like the young man work with his father in his construction business. So they grew up around each other, but she ignored him, even though he was interested in her, until later on, when she ended up with this aggressive guy that's her dad ended up with.
Speaker 4:Um, I'm sorry, when she ended up going through these men because she just kept ignoring this guy, the father told her to just go back after his intervention and spend some time self-examination, examining herself find out why you were like this in the first place. Because she really wasn't ready for a husband seeking man the way men, the way she was. So when she pulled back and did her self-examine, that's when she opened her eyes and began praying for God to show her who he had for her, once she was ready, once she grew up. Once she built those strands of faith and once she grew up, in the waiting process, god opened her eyes to the man that had been around her all that time. He was the goldfish. Her eyes to the man that had been around her all that time. He was the goldfish. And I think her father showed her a goldfish on the last day of their trip, but she didn't recognize them in the lake because they were larger than the ones she would normally see. And the father explained that a goldfish can grow as large as the room that you give them. But if you keep that space that you want to keep the man small, like those little bowls we have around the house with the goldfish in it, they'll stay small, he said, but they'll grow larger as you give them room. That's a goldfish and that was the man she was to marry. And God finally opened her eyes and they got together in the book.
Speaker 4:So that's how I got there with the fish analogies and went on with the second book where I dealt with narcissistic men and how women get captivated over the wrong things and end up marrying a fool. And that's what happens when we don't examine the heart of the person, whether male or female. Then I found out I had a small group of male readers who reached out to me and said when are you going to write about the wrong women to date? I said you know I had. I originally thought the women were going to be the audience I needed to reach out to, but I'll, I'll answer that I'll. I'll respond to that request and I appreciate the men who were following, because the books and the stories are written in a way that both male and female will benefit from reading them, because if you see something that you recognize about yourself in a negative way, then that's something you know you can fix and correct.
Speaker 4:And so the third book was the Wrong Cat. She'll Tear Down the House responding to the male readers who asked me to write that book. But I first interviewed a few of my godly friends, male friends, and asked them what were some of the things that they found were difficult for them when they were attempted to dating. And I was really shocked to find out that these women that they shared information about were in the church, were supposed to be Christians, but boy did they show an ugly side. So I wrote the stories and the characters based on some of the women I was aware of and then some of the women the men I interviewed told me about, and so it was simply based on that research I did, and so in that book I had to use different characters than fish and I decided to just research and pick out animals and insects that I thought matched the character, like the black widow and a real black widow likes to mate and get what she wants, and then she kills the person she mated with.
Speaker 4:In the story, the woman is so oppressive and demanding in terms of what this man has to do to keep her, because he sees her beauty, that's all. But she's wicked. He ends up dying an early death because he's so busy working trying to keep up with all the things that she wants, and so that's the black widow. Then there's one that's called the antelope, where the man knew this woman when he was younger but did nothing when they ran into each other later on in their life, did nothing to try to determine what her life has been since then and had no idea that she, what she, was up to at night. She, he knew she worked at night, but didn't know what she did until one night he decided to get out and follow her and found out that she worked in the bravo, and so that was the woman he married because did nothing to try to examine who this person really was, and she told him she liked what she did and she wasn't leaving it. But that was his fault for not examining her. So there's character like that and there's the character I think is very interesting and that's the people pleaser.
Speaker 4:This is the one that has been abused all her life, people making her do things for them, because she was not very aggressive, didn't protect herself very well, but she decided later on in life to use it for her benefit. So she pleased her husband in a way, or pleased the man in a way, that he married her. He liked the fact that she would do whatever he wanted, but he didn't know she was manipulating him, pleasing him to get what she wanted, and so that's what she did. She decided to use her people pleasing for her benefit and manipulated her husband to get whatever she wanted. And then there was the hyena. People hear the hyena and think the hyena is laughing from the sound. But the hyena is not laughing. The hyena is barking orders because it's the female who leads the clan. So here you have a female who wants to leave the entire household, including her husband, and barks orders all day, every day, and so this man decides to just escape it all by working a lot of overtime and then spending time away from home because he hated her barking all the time. So that's just a snippet of book three that I wrote for the man and it's gone over very well.
Speaker 4:But the fourth book I switched back to nonfiction because I weaved in all of my books some scriptures without saying that they're scriptures. I weaved the examples of what the scripture says without telling you the scripture reference. So I said you know, at some point someone's going to want to know what does the scripture, because I refer to the fact that God has given us over 200 scripture references that discuss fools, foolish behavior, and why it's important for us to avoid them. I said you know, if I just gave you 80 in a book that's called Book of Fools, that should be enough for you to open your eyes to foolish behavior when you meet it. So that's what I did. I wrote book four as a nonfiction of the series and it's called the Book of Fools, gave you 80 scriptures and gave you questions about what that scripture is saying for you to ponder, that if you meet someone that acts like this, what does that say to you? And I found that even business leaders are saying the book of fools is a great tool even to recognize fools and foolish behavior in a person you don't want to do business with, and that's so true. Whether it's friendship, business relationship, the Book of Fools is a great tool for wisdom so that you can recognize what this behavior looks like and what this person looks like. That God calls not me, god calls a fool who has every single book in this series. And I have read from cover to cover, every single book in this series.
Speaker 4:When I say like, growing up I had book series that I love to read, right, so I had Ramona Quimby, age eight, I had the babysitter's club. When I got in high school, it was what was it? It was the coldest winter ever, midnight. You know, sister Soldier was my girl, but then I was like elated with anything Maya Angelou, elated with the roles that grew from Concrete, tupac, and you know, because that was my thing back in the day, even Alicia Keys. No one remembers, but Alicia Keys came out with her book Diary with a lot of different poetry in it, and I had that, and so I always love to read. Series right, dr Bell must catch series y'all. Series right, dr bell must catch series y'all.
Speaker 4:When I say I was like, oh, she a pastor, you know it's gonna, I don't know, you know. This is my first initial thought right before I really got into it. Okay, look, don't let the fact that she a pastor look, and these are parables. Right, she is absolutely right. But when I say you get this book because, especially, she'll tear down the house, that was my favorite one.
Speaker 4:And people want to ask me I get this all the time, dr Belmont, if she's talking about women and narciss, narcissistic women, how is that your favorite book? I said because ain't none of them up in there? Me, that's what, first of all. And then, if I see certain like I would, I saw some characteristics in this book, y'all about me, right? And I was like, oh well, yep, I see I gotta change and let me fix this about myself, because in the end of the day, we cannot be in denial about certain characteristics or traits that we possess. It does not make us bad. We all fall short.
Speaker 4:Okay, what it is. It's a tool to help you fix yourself. That's just like a makeup kit. Everybody say, well, you don't need no makeup, you look just fine, yeah. But you know what? Who would not want to be polished? Who would not want to expand on their beauty? Get these books, you guys. Expand on their beauty, fix you on the inside so it can radiate on the outside. And what does she? She'll tear down the house. She got one about the microwave woman.
Speaker 4:Yes, okay, and I'll tell you something I've always been good in the kitchen. But my husband, he's like a chef, okay. He's like whatever he touches, like a man. I don't care if he's making you a bacon egg sandwich. You're gonna do something to that bacon and egg that make you feel like you are eating Gordon Ramsay's kitchen, okay, so you know he will. Always. He loves to be in the kitchen. That's his passion. So I never want to take that from him.
Speaker 4:But then I read this book and I'm not going to have a clean up woman coming over my house. And I'm not saying that my husband would do that, because he would never. But what I'm saying is that you cannot not sell nobody short if you're not giving them that attention that they deserve. Okay, and maybe you know my husband will never say, or maybe your husband or your mate will never say I'm tired, I don't feel like cooking, right, okay, or I'm tired, I don't feel like doing this, and we have to learn to not take those things for granted. Look, I read that book and I'll bet you ain't nobody's gonna be up in my kitchen cooking while I'm gone and doing this. Let's shut this down at six o'clock. I'm gonna make my husband and my kids a meal at least once a week, okay, and do what I need to do to make sure ain't no cleanup woman coming over here.
Speaker 4:So these books I'm telling you, of course you know they are great. You know, I saw a lot of the fish that I used to date in here and it made me appreciate my husband more. So, as you can be married and read these books, that'll give you a better appreciation for your mate, uh, for your husband. It It'll give you a self-reflection on yourself or maybe some things you may want to change to help you find a mate. So what I'm saying with this catch series, you guys get these books.
Speaker 4:They really do work, and that book of fools is not just for relationships. So we're going to get into that further on. But it's not just for romantic relationships or marriage, these things. As far as the book of fools the number four it really projects into your family. It projects into the relationship that you have with family, with in-laws, with friends-workers, with, with your children, um, anybody that you encounter as a human being and in the spirit these that book, the book of fools, is, is it has built in scripture and it will help you to cast away those things, but it will also help you open that eye and use your discernment more wisely so you can know how to navigate going through life and really using discernment and prayer to know and see and be able to recognize a fool when you see one, right, yeah, so I'm sorry, but we're going to get into that. We didn't even get to the second question yet, so we're going to talk more about that book of fools, so we're going to run past that.
Speaker 4:So you have a podcast out, now that you started and you took a break from, called Dr Velma Talks, that dives into some real topics, right? Can you share with us how your experiences, not just as a podcast host but as a speaker, have shaped your views on relationships and what's been the most eye-opening more moment for you on the platform? I think the most eye-opening thing has been for me is the responses I've received. I remember three of those episodes. I dealt with just codependency, because I talk about the importance of self-examination just like that comment the woman made to you when you made that statement, when when she said, how can you read a book like this? That's exactly why we don't grow, because we've already put up a block in terms of what we don't want to hear, and so I always say well then, that's not my audience.
Speaker 4:The audience I'm interested in is of those who sincerely want to discover what's the best approach to discover their godly mate. And the problem that we have and you have it in the title is we want to use high school dating methods when that doesn't work. High school dating methods are those methods we used when we were kids, when we were teenagers. We're grown adults now. When we were teenagers, we're grown adults. Now you need to examine the heart of the person, because so many people are dating strangers and so many folks are marrying strangers, and then they're shocked when the person begins to let their hair down and you discover something about them that you didn't notice before because you didn't take the time to really examine them. And so I used as a platform in the beginning that self-examination piece, because we want stuff, but we don't want to work for it. It's like anything that we've done.
Speaker 4:You're a very successful person in your brand, all that you're doing, your writing, your magazine, everything you're doing, your podcast, everybody in your household is an author, so you understand the world in which you live. You've worked hard to get there, but why is it that we don't want to prepare ourselves and work hard on ourselves to ensure that we're the best version of ourselves for that person that you want, and so that's important. We don't put in any work. We expect people to come and get you in the state that you're in, and I got news for you there is no prince that's coming on a white horse to pick you up and marry you and take you to his castle, unless he's going to chain you up and beat you half the time, because you didn't take the time to examine who is this king and what does he do, and so the white horse doesn't. White horse represents war. If a man rides in on a white horse. He's coming to fight that's why jesus rode in on a donkey and humility. So you want a man or woman that's going to come humble and the way they come humble is they stop to put in the work because they were expecting you to arrive.
Speaker 4:So that's why I spent some time on codependency, because codependency is not just about drugs, it's about how you love. If the way you love is broken or if the way you love is not healthy, then it's time for you to spend some time. Self-examination is important. Time for you to spend some time. Self-examination is important and I always say my grandmother said that God will not send you a broken glass to cut your lip, but what if you're the broken glass? So God doesn't want to send a good man for you as a woman if you're a broken glass, or for the men if you're the broken glass. God is not going to send you a good woman and you're broken. You need to take time to fix what needs to be fixed. Not that we will walk in perfection when that person arrives, but you show god that you're putting in the work to make sure you're doing what you can to fix those things in you that needs to be fixed.
Speaker 4:Yes, you know what I second that I have friends and even some family members who you know. They see me with a good husband and they're looking and they say, respectfully, I would not send him to you because you still running and chasing behind this person. You haven't cleaned your closet out yet, right, you're still going through the motions. You overreact. There's so many things that I know that you need to do with yourself. Overreact there's so many things that I know that you need to do with yourself. So why would I send a good man your way so you could tame him or run him away? No, I wouldn't do that to you and I wouldn't do that to him, because all that's going to do is set you up for another heart break or set that person up for another heart break, and a lot of times we really want to help our friends. Oh, I set you up with a good man but at the same time waxing a good man.
Speaker 4:That's just like when you have a rotten apple and you put that rotten apple on the good apples and that apple it will spread and your toxicity is gonna rub off on that good, shiny red apple. So now he used to be good or you used to be good, but now I'd have hooked you up with a bad man or hooked him up with a bad woman, and now he's gonna take that and he. Now he is broken or you are broken. It's just like I was watching reality tv the other day because you know I love me a good, nasty work reality TV and I was watching it and Cynthia Kenya was chasing after this dude that she wanted to be with right and he didn't want to be with her and he didn't want to have nothing to do with her. And every time you look up, she bring him up, she going into this flare where she's just crying and she's on city. He's just doing her own. And she asked, cynthia, if you know a good man, can you hook me up? She said I'm not about to hook you up with nobody that I know and you ain't even finished. You gotta, you gotta clean this up first. So god is not gonna send you you anybody.
Speaker 4:That is like if you listen to the music I was playing in the beginning pray, for you know a faithful man. He prays, he want kids. You want kids. You know all of this. You have to be ready. God ain't going to send you. You're going to know that he's, he's uh, he's uh anointed. You're gonna know that he's a man of God. You're gonna know he's, he's healthy, he's he's well, he's prepared and he's ready because God sent him.
Speaker 4:And I was telling my husband this the other day, well, last night, as a matter of fact, dr. Uh, let me get to the next question. I told him. I say you know what I said. I've been through so much in my life and nobody was ever able to really protect me except god. So when it came time for god to send my mate, he knew that nobody of human, of human nature, would be able to protect me and my kids.
Speaker 4:So what did he do? He took marvis cox right. He put a piece of himself, yeah, inside of my husband, so that way I can have god protecting me here on earth. And you recognized it too. And I recognized the God in that man. As soon as I saw and I manifested it, I said that's going to be my husband. He just don't know it yet. And I kept saying because I knew what I saw. I knew I saw a king. Now I'm not saying he's the king or he's the God no, he's the king or he's the god no. But god took a piece of him because he knew that the only person that would be able to protect me here and make sure nothing would happen to me here is him. So what did he do? He took a piece of himself and put it into my husband.
Speaker 4:I thank god every day for that, every single day, every hour of the day. That's why, when y'all see me on facebook and I'm shouting out my husband, if you don't like it, keep it moving, because I'm gonna. I'm not putting my husband before god. I would never do that to god. Be all the glory, but after my uh, my, my god, the father and myself is gonna always be my husband, and if y'all don't like that, hey, unfollow me. As it should be. You know I talk about the love tears and and even in that, making sure that you have your relationship with god intact first. The love tears require that you love god with all your heart, your body and your strength and not love anything before him more so you said that are more than him.
Speaker 4:He always remains number one and that's something you said in what you were talking about, that in the message that I have on both the podcast, in the book, that you always keep god first. When the husband comes into your life or when the wife comes into your life, they're second to him, because god has to remain present in that marriage the entire time. That's why the threefold cord cannot be broken, because he's there with you and we forget. We think marriage belongs to us. No, marriage belongs to god. He designed it to be so and wanted marriage to look like the picture of christ in the church. He has a purpose in what he and who he brings together, and that's important. So the last tears goes this way God first, then you love you, then you love that person.
Speaker 3:And so you can't love that person without loving yourself.
Speaker 4:That's why Because not wholly, not wholly, because that's your other half. You can never be whole without your other half. So if you don't love yourself right, then you will never be whole in that relationship. You can't love him holy or her holy. And he tells us god tells us to do that that way. He said no love others. The others include our spouse, includes everybody else. But we have to know that the love tears have to operate in that order. But I love what you said about your husband. I've been married 50 years and Pastor Bruce was a tough one. Don't let me say somebody cut me off, just cut me off and almost hit me. Where is it? What color car he's hopping in his car?
Speaker 3:So you don't have to go and do nothing.
Speaker 4:I want to know, but you appreciate somebody called me his little wife one day. Do you hear me?
Speaker 4:oh oh baby, thank man, look them people was getting up out of his way when he was done. Do you hear me? I'm going to tell y'all something about Mr Y'all think he's quiet. He don't talk, he don't say much. He scopes the scene, that military man. He recons the scene every time. And if I don't, I of course I'm going to tell him somebody do something.
Speaker 4:But a lot of times, if it's not warranted, I let it go. I agree with you, because I cannot tell my husband every single time. Neither can I, that's right. Neither can I, because he will stay in war. He will stay in war and a lot of times, women, oh, I'm going to go get my husband, and they go, and they get their husband to all these, and men too, and they go get these husbands and to all this drama and chaos when it's not warranted. We have to learn sometimes when to give grace. We have to learn sometimes when to say you know what? That's not even worth my husband's freedom, it's not worth his stress, it's not worth him trying to go into combat over a slur or something that was said or taken away. We have to know that we go to God first and let him fight that battle. But if my husband see it, he saw it. I can't change his eyes. But even with that, we have to know our husbands how they work, and sometimes we have to counsel our husbands too, lady.
Speaker 4:Be, like you know what, baby, just let it go. Because this same word, we have to know how to be their peace and how to calm them in the midst of things because, like like dr velma told me this a couple of years ago and it always stuck with me the devil has no face, that spirit has no face and it will come and it will try whatever deceptive way to try to destroy whatever it is that you have. And it may not be trying to destroy your relationship as far as breaking y'all up, but he may come and try to destroy in a way in which it tells that your husband's or your spouse's heartstrings, right, do something to my husband and I'm going to do this, and then, in the event that I do, this could jeopardize my freedom, can jeopardize my life, which would, in the end, be the result of them being taken away from you and your kids in some way, shape or form. So we have to learn how to close our mouth Sometimes. We have to learn how to help them close there and know and and keep reiterating to them that in the end, god gonna fight that battle and life is gonna happen to that person and the only thing we could do is say god, let your will be done, but still give them grace and give them mercy. And god, please have mercy on their soul in the end and just keep going and just keep going. That's right, you better believe. I never said anything like that again to my husband. When I saw that reaction for the first time, it wasn't necessary to bring him into it, and so when I saw his reaction, that told me to use wisdom, that I do not want my husband jumping in a car and chasing after anybody Because who knows what he can get into.
Speaker 4:Dr Belmont, we were at a. I took my husband to a fight Because he's like real big on like UFC and stuff like that. So we went to this fight and we had very, very good seats that were in front of these racist people Right, true story. Very, very good seats that were in front of these racist people right, true story. Um, and the man was tapping on my husband's shoulder trying to say he wasn't really military. My husband kept telling me you know what? I'm having issues with ptsd. I don't like for people to be touching on me. You know? Like, please, just like back, like, back it up, back it up.
Speaker 4:Well, the man kept taunting us and trolling us the whole time. Even his friends was telling him to stop, but my husband ignored it. Okay, and this was before we really got into our word, right, my husband tried to ignore it. Tried to ignore it. Well, my husband caught a glimpse of that man rubbing his fingers through my wig and, baby the fight, left the ring and went to the audience. My husband said come on, get up, it's time to go. So when we got up, I'm thinking we leaving.
Speaker 4:This is a true story. Think we leaving. Right, I proceed to walk in front of my husband to walk away, because I'm thinking we just gonna go get our you know, get our money back or maybe get different seats. My husband leaned back, smacked that man with that drink and haul up and proceed to whoop that. He knocked him out. Wow, cold, cold, cold. And the whole crowd was like what. So then the security guards came and they tried to attack my husband, and one security guard grabbed him from behind, and you know that's a no-no, you're never supposed to. My husband beat that man so bad he looked like Martin coming out of the ring with Sugar Ray and they grabbed my husband. Security grabbed my husband and we let them know what happened, the whole situation. They played the tape back and they gave us box seats at the end, right. And so when we went to court, the man had to know to try to sue my husband, right.
Speaker 2:He was a white guy.
Speaker 4:And so Donald Stevenson came down, the actual, real Donald Stevenson, the mayor of that town, rosemont at that time, and he told them to uncuff my husband, right, because they found out my husband was in the military and straddling his back and all this stuff from being in a war. And so he told them to uncuff my husband, right, because they found out my husband was in the military and straddling his back and all this stuff from being in a war. And so he told them to uncuff my husband. He gave us his box seats for the rest of the night and police patrol back to our car, right. But then we end up having to go to court. So we went to court, right, and we get up there and we explain to the judge what happened and that is a very racist town, let me mind you. Right, the judge looked at my husband. He looked at that, that caucasian man, and he looked at the man. He said and all he did was punch you, because if it hadn't been me I would have beat you to a pulp. You put your hands in this man's wife's hair. You touched his wife, right. What do you think he's supposed to do? He was defending man. He threw that stuff out. He was defending his wife, right? He was like why is this? Even in front of me? This man is the one to be locked up. And this was a predominantly white atmosphere. The judge was very racist towards black people, but he was even more morally intact as far as his stance on a man protecting his wife, his wife. Yeah, yeah, it was a mess, but that mess. But after that I was like I would never put my husband in that type of situation.
Speaker 4:So when we took our trip to California and we went to the, what was it? It was a nightlife type of place. It was like Universal Studios or something. It was City Walk, city Walk, right. So we went to City Walk and it was at night and everybody's having this good time. Well, I saw my husband, his face, right. I saw that he was uncomfortable, and then I looked around and I saw that same type of spirit on these people as far as like them with him and me, right. I said come on, baby, let's go, let's just go back, let's go just grab a drink, a bottle of wine and something. Let's go to the hotel and let's just chill. And we did that. And ever since then if I see that he's uncomfortable or he may see that I'm uncomfortable or even before we go and it's like, do we really want to put ourselves in that situation? We know what type of situation that's going to be we opt out. We opt out and I think that that's been working for us for the past maybe eight years now because now we see, in order to avoid situations, don't put yourself in those situations, because if you know what type of atmosphere you're going to, where people are drinking and doing stuff that you don't even do don't even get yourself up, get dressed, get in your car, pay for gas, drive all the way to go to some chaos Because you can have a good time with your mate at home or over dinner. Well, that's certainly not the attitude of a black widow spider, that's for sure. No, they do not. Which brings me into this right here. I'm glad you said that Now in today's episode, we're talking about moving beyond high school mindsets and dating a marriage.
Speaker 4:Can we break down what you mean by high school mindsets and why it's crucial for adults of all ages to let go of them? Because when you think of a high school method of dating, we did it for social reasons. We just wanted to go out and have fun. We wanted to go and enjoy ourselves. We see somebody that was cute or good looking. That's all we looked at from a high school level. Oh he's cute. Oh he's paying attention to me. Oh he likes me. That's high school. When you're looking at a dating strategy, that involves exploring the heart of the person to see if this could be my mate, you're examining the person. So therefore, it's a totally different ballgame and it bothers me when I see grown people still acting like they're in high school in terms of their dating method. And it made me think about a movie I saw recently their dating method and it made me think about a movie I saw recently. My husband and I just watched this this past week and I said everything that woman did in the movie was exactly what I talk about in terms of red flags.
Speaker 4:She moved quickly because he was debonair. He was an artist. She thought it was well known but turned out it was all lies. She moved quickly and married him and, as a result, next thing she knows she was being fired from her job at the bank because the man got a hold of her password and taken over $375,000 from the bank's money. So they fired her.
Speaker 4:Then she turned around. She had told him her house was paid off. So what did he do? Created a fictitious signature of hers and went down to the bank and borrowed money against the house she had paid off. And then she was called into the bank because her payments were late and she was trying to figure out why did she have payment. So all of this stuff, because you didn't take the time to really examine who this person was. Well, it turns out he and his mother had this little business going where they would go after women she was older than him, women who were older, and she had them all chained down in the bottom basement of her house. Oh no, girl, I said. Now see if this is not. But Lisa was shot.
Speaker 2:Girl, you know what I mean, yeah.
Speaker 4:I said and that was her son. She became friends to that woman and told her oh yeah, you should go see that man, that artist Knowing good and well, that was her son.
Speaker 4:Had all these older women came down in the bottom basement of the house while they're collecting their money and their checks. I said now, see all, because you did not take the time to really examine who this person was. You didn't know where he was from, you didn't know his background, you didn't know that your best friend was his mama. You didn't take the time to do nothing. And I said that's the kind of stuff that's high school. She just went off of what she was feeling. So he took her to the place where they could see the fireflies and then got down on one knee. You don't know this man, and that's the problem. Today, we get so mesmerized with what we see on the outside of the person, never examining what is at the core of this man's heart. Who is he really? Where is he from? What has he done? Asking those kinds of questions about what do you do? Tell me about your life? Have you ever been married again? What's your intention in dating me? I mean, if you ask that one question and they struggle to provide an answer, then you got a problem. It doesn't take several dates to figure this thing out if you're asking the right questions, and that's the problem. High school dating is that giddiness that we had as teenagers, who doesn't care who his mama was, his daddy was, where he worked, what he does, what's his future, what he plans to do? None of that, because back in the day our fathers helped to examine him too. We don't have that in many cases. Many people don't have a father figure in their lives that can help you do that. I usually talk about a wise counsel, getting a group of people who can help you vet individuals that you're planning or considering to marry, because it's so important.
Speaker 4:When I met my husband in the 10th grade, I wasn't looking for a husband. I really wasn't. Matter of fact, I wasn't even looking for him. My friend in our classroom that we had together asked me what did I think about him? I had never noticed Bruce in the classroom because I wasn't a boy watcher at all. I had my focus on getting my grades and getting out of high school so I can get off of my mom's payroll. She raised seven kids. I said the sooner I can get off of her responsibilities, that would bless me by blessing her. So I focus on getting out of school and going to getting a job and going to college while working.
Speaker 4:She asked me what do you think about Bruce? I said I don't know. I never noticed him before. She said I think I'll go over and talk with him. I said well, that's not my style, but go ahead and do what you think you want to do. She came back to me and said I said well, how did it go for you? She said it didn't go well. All he wanted to know was who was you, what was you? He wanted to know more about you. He didn't ask me anything about myself. He asked me what I knew about you. I said really. I said well, that was pretty awful for her.
Speaker 4:I was thinking to myself now this is what you decided to step into, and you found out that the guy wasn't even interested in you, but used you to ask about me. Now, what does that say about the approach you used? I didn't want to do that, and so the first time my husband ever even talked to me was during a game of volleyball during my PE class. He sat on the bench watching us play and then he decided to call me over, finally decided to ask me something. Now this is after the episode with my friend, him asking her about me. He finally asked me and then we stopped and talked for a little bit and after we talked for a little bit, he said okay, I'll see you around campus. I said, sure, I went back to my game Just high school conversation.
Speaker 4:And so what I'm saying is that's what we do in high school. This is not high school. When you're a grown person and you're looking to find your mate, the strategy has to change from a high school mindset to a grown folks mindset, and that is, you should be dating for marriage. Your goal is marriage and I talked about earlier. We prepare for everything else. We know how the things we need to put together to run a business. For everything else, we know how the things we need to put together to run a business. We know the things we have to put together if we're going to go to work for a particular company. We want to make sure we have the skill sets. We work hard at it, but we don't want to do what we need to do to get ourselves ready for marriage and we should.
Speaker 4:And then, when we meet a person, don't act like you're in high school questions who, who? Who are you? What do you do? Where are you from? Is your family out here? Have you lived here all your life? Find out as much. What's your intention in dating me? You asked me out what was your intention? Well, I just wanted to have. I remember. I remember my daughters, uh said when they started applying these questions. One daughter came back and said mom, the very first guy asked that question. He hauled around and said, well, I'm just trying to have fun. She said, well, that told me we should stop right here, because I'm not here to have fun, I'm here to try to discover my vape. Yeah, I'm going to tell you something else. They'll tell you like you can ask all these questions, right, dr Bell? And they'll tell you you can ask all these questions, right, dr Bell? And they'll tell you what you want to hear. But never, never, secure a life with someone until you validate it. That's what I'm saying, that's what I'm getting at.
Speaker 2:You need to see them working at that bank and that job that they're sitting at, and you can do research too If they say they got this type of family, that bank and that job that they sit in and you can do research.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 4:They got this type of family. You want to meet the family, absolutely. You want to see these things. Don't just go by what people tell you, because people will wear that mask until they fall off. The questions I'm talking about is for you to examine how they respond. Look at their behavior, look at how it comes out and their body, absolutely, and put on your wisdom. Take god with you, because he will point out a lie to you, he will point out what is not real to you and so that you can pay attention, you should be scrutinizing all of it. You should not be in a relaxed mode at all. This is about an examination.
Speaker 4:If you were going into a business partnership, you would do the same with a business partner. You would examine their financials to make sure they do have what they say. You would look at their history to make sure that their history is correctly displayed as they explain to you, that their history is correctly displayed as they explain to you. You would do all of this research to make sure, before you sign on the dotted line, that you're going into business with this person or with this company. It's the same with an individual and you know what. You said something the other day on Cyrus Webb's show, you said that red is always an indication of warning, of caution, and if you see a red flag, absolutely you should never be drawn to it. You should run like um run, spot run. I know that's. That's not a good example from the I run, forrest run.
Speaker 4:Forrest run, no. But somebody said in the debate run, spot run, and I thought it was hilarious and you know. But moving on, so run, spot run, ok. And I want to let the people know who may be in a marriage where they feel like, ok, you know what? I'm married now, so I'm just gonna might as well just be this person. That does not have to be life, no, and you can really be happy never let nobody just be with you and they done told you lie after lie after lie after lie and you ignore them. I made a huge, and it's okay, because they could have worn this mask and you didn't know until it fell off. But you see, now, you know now you're beautiful or you're handsome. You can get up and get out of there and really live the life that you want to live, absolutely free from that person, absolutely, I want to say that person.
Speaker 4:I noticed that a lot of people are starting to use the reference red flag now. So I see it all over on facebook now. I said, oh, now everybody's using red flags, but let me just point out that my red flag is all caps. It's RED Retreat, extremely Dangerous. That's what my red stands for. If you see that flag, it's telling you retreat extremely dangerous. Yes, then I find that sometimes women um make excuses for what they see. You see the red flag, but you make excuses for, oh, he's just like that today he's all. When he's not in a good place or good mood he's just like that, but the other times he's good. Stop it. Red is just that retreat extremely dangerous. Don't make excuses for what you see.
Speaker 4:I remember having a conversation I think I said this on the show too with a lady at the receptionist the receptionist at my doctor's office and she told me about a friend she wished would read the book. And I said, because she said she and the other friends have spoken with her about the toxic relationship she was in, I said look, give her the book and just ask her to read chapter six. That's the toxic relationship. Just ask her to read it, let her do it herself. Remember I said the stories are weaved in the way that you can see yourself. She gave the book to her friend and when I followed up on my visit, I stopped and asked the receptionist did your friend ever get the book? She said girl, let me tell you she got the book, read it and got out of that toxic relationship, which says that she saw herself in that story, mm-hmm. Now this is what and I remember you speaking about that on the podcast too About you know she had tried everything, but once she she tried to like maneuver around the subject. But once she read that book and she saw and that's the point I was making in the beginning Read this book, you guys, because a lot of times you won't notice until it's put down in black and white and phrased in a way that will help you understand and really be able to identify those RED retreat, extremely dangerous flags that you may see in a relationship that you're in, or in past relationships that will help you, or in past relationships that will help you become more aware to avoid those type of relationships.
Speaker 4:Now that brings me to my next question how does social media influence modern dating dynamics and marriages? I think people use it for a variety of reasons. People use it for the whole purpose of meeting someone. That's one way they use it. Another way they use it for research. Just examining who this person is is looking on, seeing whether or not the person is on any platform, to see what their history is, to read their their posts to look at who's posting for them. They can use it for that reason as well, but I don't see it.
Speaker 4:As you know, at the time that I began writing the very first book, we had a lot of dating apps. It was really popular at the time, and so a lot of people were asking me about those too. I said it doesn't matter what we use, we have to be very careful to. To give you an example yes, the dating show where the girl actually made it to the aisle and proposed to the guy that she wanted to marry and come to find out. They didn't do a research and found out the guy had been arrested in the past and found out it was an abusive situation, and then he walked out away from the marriage, got engaged on TV and then walked away from the marriage, got engaged on tv and then walked away from the girl. Yep, I remember that right. So no examination. So it doesn't matter what platform you're using. You still got to do your job in terms of examining who this person is and whether on tv or not on tv?
Speaker 4:people can be whoever they want to be on social media right they can make anything.
Speaker 4:Yep, they can present themselves in any type of way um to to be, you know, uh, deceitful to who they really are, and so you know, I don't think that you should take anyone serious that you, that you, you know, as far as like their lifestyle. You have to meet them face to face, absolutely, and explore, you know, and do your research. Um me, I was doing criminal background checks. I was getting ready to say, yes, checkmate, all that, absolutely. If you've got public records out here liens, bankruptcies I want to know it all because I want to know what I'm getting myself into. Absolutely. That's exactly what I was getting ready to say. I would not. Some people think that's going too far. No, it's not. No it's not.
Speaker 3:Because you're protecting yourself.
Speaker 4:You're protecting yourself Absolutely. People think that social media is the game changer. It's not. Some people use it for that person to see what they're up to, it's how it's passed, that's all it is. See what they're up to, see what's passed, all of that. But again, it could be fictitious, it could be make-believe. But do a real deep dive of who this person is. It's real today because there's too many people getting into harmful situations because they didn't do it. And that's why I said you can't date a stranger. And who thought that was okay? And you cannot marry a stranger.
Speaker 4:That movie said it very clearly. I said, boy, I need to put that movie on my Facebook page. You do, you do, you do and do a review. This is a perfect example. And do a review. And I absolutely 100% agree with doing a review on that. Right, because Felicia Rashad ooh she, ooh, child. I was surprised the part she played, oh man.
Speaker 4:And then the movie ended with her going to another family. She escaped, yes, and went to another family. Yeah, trying to do another Yep, getting ready to get back into what she was doing in the beginning. Yep, now moving. This is the next question.
Speaker 4:So what are some effective strategies for securing emotional intelligence when pursuing your mate. Well, I think we had. I created a list of questions I thought was important because I don't think you should be too emotional, get too emotional involved in the beginning at all. You need to keep your distance in terms of protecting your emotional intelligence until you get some credible information. It's important that you, of course, you need to make sure that you're self-aware. You got to make sure that you're getting to the truth of who this person is, but you got to recognize your own emotions and know what you cannot do. When you're dating a person or at least exploring who this person is. You have to hold everything guarded and protected, but you have to make sure that you're doing your due diligence to examine this person.
Speaker 4:Because emotional intelligence, when you're trying to protect your emotions, you can't get in the way of anything and I usually have a train that I put the emotions in the caboose of the train. Your emotions is back in the caboose, so it doesn't have a play have a part in the initial stages of your examining a person's heart, because you got to keep your emotions out and keep them in check. Because you get too emotional, and that's what I mean by high school dating. High school dating is very emotional. It's making me feel good. Oh, I feel so happy. Oh, I feel so good. Oh, he's so cute because I got him, I'm so happy. Those are emotional feelings. We're not talking about that.
Speaker 4:So keep your emotions in check. Put it in the caboose of your train. What's running your train is what is the truth. You want to make sure that god's word is god is leading you and god's word is leading, and you want to believe that what you see is what you see. If it's red, it's red. If you're not colorblind, you should see it, and so it's. It's a part. It's really examining the person's heart to make sure. Let me, let me, let me ask you this in the caboose, in the beginning don't get emotional, what do you?
Speaker 4:think about this question because you know I've had mixed reviews on this question, so I've always wanted to ask you. I'm glad it hit my mind today when, when a potential mate, right when somebody that you're dating and you're exploring and they ask, they say what do you look for in a mate? Now my response my dad always told me if somebody asks you, what are you looking for in a man, you're supposed to say for them to be exactly who they are, because once you go down the list and you start telling them what you're looking for in a man or in a relationship, they may have a conniving spirit where they will go and try to be exactly what you said you wanted on their list until they get you and then you fall and then your emotions are your sleeve, you're vulnerable, you're open, and then that's when they hit you with the gotcha. So what do you think? As far as what do you look for in a mate? I just want to say that you said some things about your husband. I said some things about my husband that we discovered about them.
Speaker 4:You want to look for a man of integrity. So if he's lying, you need to determine, examine what he's saying to you Don't just receive and believe everything. Again, we talk about doing the research, et cetera. You want to see if he's a man of integrity. You want to see if he's a man of God. Is he sincerely serving, worshiping, giving and doing? Because I found that there are men who are not looking for wives and just like there are women who are not looking for husbands. They're just busy fulfilling their purpose. That God has given them Doesn't mean that they're not going to make good husbands or good wives. No, they will make good husbands because why? But they're doing exactly what they should be doing. So you should try to examine what this person's focus is. What are they doing? What are they keeping busy with? What do they do every day? You should be examining that. Do they truly show that they're a man who loves God? And you want to look at their compassion. Is he generous? Is he compassionate? Is he forgiving? Does he have self-control?
Speaker 4:And one of the stories in the book. It shows a woman out on the date, the man flipping off on the driver who cuts him off. That's a red flag and don't ignore that. Oh, the man just cut him off. He deserved to say what he said to know. Is he showing self-control? Does he show discipline? Is he gentle? That's how he engaged with others outside of you on the date, to see what he does on those dates and that's what you want to do. Can he quote a scripture and can he do it without that? This is can he quote a scripture? That was key. That was key and I hope that that gets uh taken up when I do my clips. I hope they grab that can be a man of prayer, did he? Did he stop?
Speaker 4:to pray before you ate did he stop and then listen to how the prayer goes? Listen to what he says, because that'll tell you his relationship with god. By what he says in that prayer it's the elements that he needs to use.
Speaker 2:It is the elements.
Speaker 4:This is the kicker for me, and this is going into what I asked you when you first meet somebody right in the dating realm. That guy asks you what do you look for in a mate? What do you look for in a mate? What do you look for in a man? Uh-huh, do you tell them every single thing that you're looking for, or do you tell them, no, I would flip it. I would flip it. Don't you dare feed him anything. I would flip it and ask him tell me what's on the top of your list.
Speaker 4:Exactly right, because my thing is with that. They can try to manipulate the situation women with me and that's for me, everybody, and women too, everybody. You never tell nobody what you look for. My dad always never tell nobody what you look for. My dad used to always say never tell nobody what you look for. You always tell them to. I'm looking for somebody to be exactly who. They are Right, and you watch and see what type of person they are yeah.
Speaker 2:why don't you tell me?
Speaker 4:Tell me your top four.
Speaker 4:They have no other choice but to be themselves, and if they struggle with it, that's a red flag Yep. Themselves. And if they struggle with it, that's a red flag, yep. So it doesn't take a whole two weeks and three years for you to figure that question out, and that's a part of you know, growing up in relationships and identifying things and not having that high school mindset. Oh, you know, um, a a perfect mate for me would be, you know, someone who does this and does that, and romantic walks on the park and and and holding hands when we in the mall and then they're going. They do all these things. He's like yes, he's a keeper. Lord judah sent the everything that you done. Already gave him the cheat sheet. So then he done got you, or she done got you, and you think you done got this perfect mate sent from god. When you done gave him the cheat sheet, you done gave him the answer sheet, and now they got you. And then they got you in their hoops, like the man did to old woman on the movie.
Speaker 4:Tell me about a time when you prayed for something and you waited on God to answer.
Speaker 4:Hello, hello, right, tell me about the time that somebody upset you and how you handled the situation with humility and grace. That's right. Show me that when we, when we drive down the street and you see somebody in need, that you would help them. I just want to see that's right the way that you move, the way you treat your mom, the way that people respect you in your neighborhood, the way that people respect you in your neighborhood, the way that people respect you in the church, the way that you respect others, the way that you are with children.
Speaker 4:You know all of these things play a vital role. How close are you with your family? And that may not be. That can be give or take, because we don't know what type of family or background. No, we don't. But you still have to ask. That's right. But you still have to ask and know these things and maybe get clarification. But in the end, in the end, all to be all, you want to know their relationship with God and how they perceive God to be. How important is he in your life? Right, right, and that's in all aspects. That's in all aspects. That is first, because somebody may be lacking in some areas, but if they put God first in everything that they do, they have hope.
Speaker 2:Now is it for you to be there and be honest even when they mess up.
Speaker 4:Yes, and be honest even when they mess up. Is it mandatory for you to stay until they start to go?
Speaker 3:Absolutely not, no let them get it together? Absolutely not, it's too soon, it's too soon.
Speaker 4:And until that person develops and meets you where you're supposed to be met, you can keep looking or take that same energy that you're trying to put into being in that relationship and maybe put that same energy into your more commitment into the word and more commitment into your mission of what God has for you in your life. Right, and the investment to be is going to come together tenfold. And that's why the Book of Fools will show you the opposite, because a fool doesn't like to be taught anything, he doesn't like wisdom, he doesn't like instruction, so he's closed off to anything that you can teach him or share with him. So you want a man who's always open to grow, and so a white that's always open to grow, that's right. A white, because a lot of times, you know, my grandma told me this a long time ago and it stuck with me.
Speaker 4:She said a person who knows everything knows nothing at all. Right, that's true. Because you know it don't matter how young, old, light, dark, black, white, fat, skinny, you don't know every single thing. You have to be open to counsel. You have to be open to counsel. You have to be open to counsel no matter how old you are.
Speaker 4:That's right, we're all grown and people hiding in their minds say oh, I'm grown, you can't teach me nothing. This person can't teach me nothing. That person can't teach me nothing. You know what? My son is 13 years old and he teach me things every day dealing with social media, social media influence, how to work these different apps on the phone. A lot of things I know, including station here I learned from my son when he was 10 years old.
Speaker 4:So it don't matter how old the young, god will bring wisdom through the people you least expect. But never not be optimistic to counsel, never. I'm always open to learn from whoever it is, and I am not, uh, one of those people who are, oh, this person can't teach me nothing or that. No, I can learn from everybody around me, everybody around me, especially people, and some people have this thing where, well, this person they didn't do it for they self, so they can't tell me nothing. No, wait a minute, they didn't do it for they self and look how they ended up. So maybe they're trying to warn you from making the same mistake that they did. So we have to really be open and ask God for discernment, and that is the key Because if it's coming from a place of pure intention and love, it will be received well. It should be received well and you'll see it. You'll see it. Get that be received well and you'll see it. You'll see it.
Speaker 4:Get that book of fools, because a lot of things that I'm talking about is in that book and because I read it, dr Velma, and God, the Father himself, because a lot of the things that are in that book is 80 scriptures out of 200 that mention the word fool in the Bible. Okay, so these are things that she actually did research on, you guys, and actually went in there and drafted 80 scriptures out of the Bible and brought them to you in plain sight. A lot of times people say show me what it say that's said in the Bible. That's what happens. That's right With the book of fools.
Speaker 4:Just like a lot of people want to condemn the apple and I think it was you that told me the word apple ain't even in the Bible. It's not in the Bible. It just says fruit and fruit. Just a damn net pole apple. And made it an apple because somebody from somewhere drew a picture of Adam and Eve with an apple and they made the apple be the symbolic symbol of the fruit that they ate. You don't know what. It could have been a kiwi, it could have been a lemon, y'all don't know what, because apple is not in there.
Speaker 4:So we have to be mindful of what we allow people to paint a picture inside of our mind. But she goes into depth, she went and she really did the research and went in there and found 80 out of 200 scriptures and put them in this book for you guys, for you to plainly see who the fool?
Speaker 4:is right, and if some of them identify as you, then you really get this book, because that means that gives you that, gives you it in plain sight as a therapy session in a book. Wow, you ain't got to go pay thousands of dollars for therapy when you got it right here in your face. You got the Bible and you got the book of foods and that should help you with any type of therapy that you may need. You take them two books and you go into your waiting room and close that door and you gonna be. When you come out of that, you gonna be refreshed like the prodigal son. That to be. When you come out of that, you're going to be refreshed, right, like the prodigal son, that's right. You're going to come out wearing your kingly robes because you're going to be ready. Right, that's right, that's right. So finally, dr Velma you know I could go on and on with you what do you hope to achieve with your work in the future? Like, how do you envision the impact of the Catch series and your podcast, dr Velma's Talks transforming the way people approach love and commitment today? I hope that I'll continue to hear success stories like I have so far, just hearing how reading the books have benefited so many people and, like you said, the podcast, although I focus on singles, both male and female but I always try to include a little piece for the married couples because the books are good for even married couples. Who's looking to reset always looking to examine and reset anything that they need to reset because I think it's important. So I'm looking to continue to expand the conversation and continue to look to see, uh, the successes that has resulted from someone reading something in the book that helped them. That really blesses me more. You know what, what, and I will say this as somebody that's married. I may not be single or dating or whatever, but if you're married, okay, it's important to get these books because it not only helps counsel you through your marriage by showing you more and giving you more insight on just how blessed you are that you have the mates that you have and that it shows you like look what this person is going through, look what that person is going through, and thank God that God blessed me with you know the mate that I have, because a lot of times we don't see why we should appreciate our mate until we see what others are going through and thank God that I ain't got a date no more, because you know, but it also with the, she'll tear down the house. Ladies, get that book because I'm telling you, you know, I used to think I was just a top tier, stellar wife and when I read that book there were some things inside of that book as far as not being a manipulative people pleaser, but just being a people pleaser in general.
Speaker 4:I thank God that I don't have the heart to take people pleasing and turn it into a manipulative state, because I got people I want to see in heaven and I need my golden ticket and I don't want nothing stopping me from getting through the gate. I want to get in there with a clean slate. But I will say that a lot of my life I was a people pleaser and reading that it showed me, like you know, what you have to do. Only um being that you're supposed to please is god. Anybody else is irrelevant. And if you're doing things, that you're doing things, um, to please god and in his sight, everything for you will fall in place, everything for you will be blessed, and so it.
Speaker 4:It took me to read that shelter down the house to say you know what I need to do. A cutoff time for my business. Although I am a creative, I have dominion over me as an entrepreneur. I know that my kids need to be attended to, that my husband needs to be attended to. So I had to cut off and set boundaries. Set boundaries and reprioritize my life, because I got so consumed with trying to help everybody else that the people that love me most, that supported me most, I was not helping them as much as I should have been. Wow. And so reading that book really helped me. You guys and I'm not saying it because dr velma is my friend, because I have a lot of friends that are authors that get on here and I'll tell you how great the book, but that don't mean that I'm going to laugh. I'm not up for life.
Speaker 2:What.
Speaker 4:I will say is that Dr Velma's books all of them have not just helped me. It helped my husband. You know he read the Catch and it just gave us a better appreciation for each other. So it's good for dating. It's good for getting prepared to date. If you got a daughter or son that's thinking about dating, get them. She'll tear down the house. Get them the catch so they can be equipped and prepared for what's out here for real. And because she based these books on real life experiences, she did surveys with real people. These are real things that happened in real life. So we have to know that, preparing your kids with real life situations so they can know what to look for, what to look out for. And it would better equip them to wait until marriage, wait until they find the right one, and not dating with a high school mindset. I agree. So I love you. Thank you so much for coming.
Speaker 4:Is there any final words that you want to give the audience and then tell them how and where they can reach you? Well, just keep God first. That's what that's. The central purpose of the message is keep God first. And if you want to get some more specifics, read the books.
Speaker 4:Everything I talk about is already written in the books. I try to expound upon what I've written so that people can hear more of the backstory, of why I wrote a particular point, but if you read the books, you'll get what you need to get started. So you can stay in touch with me, I'm on all the social media platforms as Dr Velma Bagby. You can go to my website and subscribe at drdelmabagbycom, or please subscribe to my YouTube page as well, so stay connected. I'd love to hear from you and looking forward to you tuning in to the next two episodes of my podcast. The first season of my podcast will be over. I have two more episodes and then I close for the season and then begin again in 2025. Well, I want to thank you again, dr Bell. Your mercy is everlasting. I'm asking that you lead us out with prayer.
Speaker 3:Your truth is here always.
Speaker 4:That you are God alone.
Speaker 3:You are he who loves and is and is to come. Who is he that you know your name? You flood the sun to burn in space and the night's moon comes light for me.
Speaker 4:Oh, you alone, I was. But what I'm going to actually lead out with is I'm going to go back because I really truly love this song. It's called Pray For, because I think that that that is a great song to lead out with. So we're going to exit out with Pray For by Ashley B. You guys have a great and wonderful rest of your day, god bless.
Speaker 2:You do the same. Ain't no man that I prayed for? Not wishing with no man, that wasn't made for me. See, this love, we have gotta be tailored. Ain't wishing with no man? That ain't no fit for me. Do you pray, cause I pray? You want kids all the day. Are you faithful? Always? Tell me, can you stand the rain? You a king, I'm a queen. We require certain things, and that's what I pray for. Say, follow it. Tell me, can you send a ring? You a king, I'm a queen, me require certain things, and that's what I pray for. So that's what I wait for.
Speaker 2:Dear God, come when you're sinning. I'm going to be ready. Dear God, you do this for me. I won't forget it, my heart, I've been through so much and I just want to feel your love for once. And, dear God, I hope he's happy already here. But if he's here, I know he is, I know he will. Dear God, that's what I pray for. So that's what I wait for and I vow to be everything you need, share my life with you, on the right, with you, and I promise to support all your dreams. But I gotta know that you were made for me. Do you pray, cause I pray. You want kids, I want eight. Are you faithful? Always Tell me can you stand and reign you a king? I'm a queen. We require certain things, and that's what I pray for. So that's what I wait for.
Speaker 1:That's what I pray for. That's what I wait for, Dear God. I'm waiting for you to send me a message. That's what I pray for. That's what I wait for.
Speaker 2:That's what I'm waiting for, dear God, come when you're sinning, I won't be ready. Dear God, you do this for me. I won't forget it. My heart has been through so much and I just wanna build you love for once. Build you love for once. And, dear God, I hope he's happy, already healed. But if it's in me, I know he is. I hope he's happy, already healed. But if he's sinning I know he is, I know he will, dear God. Dear God, that's what I pray for, so that's what I wait for, thank you.
