I Understand It All, But Nothing Has Shifted

Many people on the spiritual awakening path reach a moment where understanding is no longer enough.

You may clearly understand non-duality, awakening, or the self illusion intellectually. You may know the language, have had glimpses, and seen moments of clarity. And yet something hasn’t shifted. There is still confusion. There is still a sense of “me.” And that can feel deeply discouraging.

In this episode of Awakening Now, I share an unedited recording from a live Zoom meeting where I respond to an email that says: “I understand this intellectually, but I don’t feel it.” What I hear is not failure, but honesty — a turning point where the old strategy of seeking through understanding begins to collapse.

I speak about why seeing through the self illusion is not an emotional experience, and why clarity is not a feeling. Confusion, doubt, frustration, and a sense of “me” can still arise after awakening, and they do not mean you didn’t see.

This conversation explores the difference between direct pointing — seeing through the illusion of a separate self — and meeting what continues to arise after that recognition. Old emotional patterns, sensations, and conditioning don’t mean you’ve gone backwards. Often, they are the next layer asking to be met.

If you feel stuck after awakening, exhausted from seeking, or confused about why insight hasn’t brought lasting peace, this episode offers clarity, reassurance, and a grounded understanding of what is actually happening.

Transcript

Awakening is a shift in perception.
 A clear seeing of what you are, and what you’ve mistaken yourself for.
 It reveals what was here all along.

You’re listening to Awakening Now —
a podcast for those who are on the path of self-discovery and spiritual awakening.

This is episode 117: I Understand It All… But Nothing Has Shifted.

My name is Ilona Ciunaite.
 I’m a guide, an author, and co-creator of the Liberation Unleashed community.
 If you are in the process of awakening, this space is for you.

For the past fourteen years, I’ve supported people through awakening —
 both the clarity, and the confusion that often follows the first insight.

Many sincere seekers reach a moment where understanding is no longer enough.
 You’ve learned the language of awakening.
 You’ve had glimpses.
 And yet something hasn’t landed.

There is still confusion.
 There is still a sense of “me.”
 And that can feel like failure.

This recording is from an unedited monthly Zoom meeting.
 I respond to an email from someone who says,
 “I understand this intellectually, but I don’t feel it.”

What I hear is not failure, but honesty.
 A moment where the old strategy of seeking through understanding begins to fall apart.

Seeing through the self illusion is a recognition, not a feeling.
 Confusion, emotion, and a sense of “me” can still arise —
 and they don’t cancel what’s been seen.

If you’re tired of trying to figure this out on your own,
 I’ll be releasing a guided course on seeing through the self illusion soon.
 You’re welcome to subscribe to my emails if you’d like to be informed when it opens.

I get all this intellectually, but I don't feel it. There is no clarity. I feel like a me. I haven't had a single lasting felt understanding. I would call self-realization. Just a million little realizations without lasting change. A million little cuts. I'm slightly less thought identified than I used to be. At least I just don't get the whole thing anymore.

When I read this, I don't hear somebody who has failed. I don't hear someone who is missing something essential. I hear someone who has reached an honest point. And that point is important because it's usually where the mind strategy starts falling apart.

And for a long time the approach was to understand enough to see clearly enough to have the right insight. And if that happens sometime in the future then something will finally shift and it will be consistent and it will be like I say forever happy ever after.

And this approach works for a little bit. You know, we get glimpses, openings and moments where everything feels lighter, quieter, more spacious. The identification seems to loosen a little bit and there's a relief. But then it comes back. The doubt comes back. The confusion comes back. And you know that place I must be missing something.

But what if nothing is missing? It's just that this approach doesn't work anymore. Trying to understand

because if you listen carefully what this email is saying, I understand but I don't feel it. I see but it hasn't landed. I know the language but it still feels like like me.

So it's mixing or clash between different layers of experience.

So now seeing through the self illusion is really simple. It's just an insight. You can see it in half an hour if you really take time to look deeply. And here you go. It's not magical. It's very simple. It's not dramatic or emotional. It's just a recognition that what I thought myself to be, what I thought I was, it's not it.

The cor the recognition is not an emotional thing and it's not like peace. It's just seeing what actually is versus what was imagined. And it does not guarantee that you feel clear or settled or happy ever after or peaceful all the time. And this is where many seekers get confused. They quietly expect self-realization to feel like clarity all the time, like peace or certainty, the kind of confusion, no more doubt. And when confusion shows up, when frustration shows up, then the sense of me is still here and and the next thought is I didn't get it. I really didn't get it. I'm not sure I got it. But you know, clarity is not a feeling.

Clarity is an absence of doubt.

It's an absence of argument. It's an absence of yes buts and no buts. It's just you see what you see and it's clear. It's not a feeling. And confusion does not mean that you are back into the illusion.

It only means that the old patterns of identity are still operating. So feeling of me is not a failure. It's just an old pattern that keeps coming up and and that also needs to be examined and really looked at what is that feeling of me.

It's not a thing. It's not it's not what you are.

It's a pattern of sensations, emotions, thoughts, behaviors, conditioning. And seeing does not erase that. Seeing clearly does not erase that. Seeing clearly is seeing what is here all the time. What is here right now? It it only reveals that this conditioning is not you. It's not yours. It's not what you are. And yet that conditioning is still fully operational. Yeah. And some parts of it can fall away. And normally the some things fall away with seeing. But but the mind kind of expects that this idealistic image of what it will be like peace all the time, clarity all the time, I'll be at at ease all the time. That's not the case. So when somebody says that I still feel like me, I often ask compared to what? How do you want to feel? Do you want to feel like a tree or a bird? What what is the problem with feeling like you

so often the suffering is not coming from the feeling of me but from resistance to that feeling. And and right right here right now you can just check what is that feeling of me? Which feeling exactly is this feeling of me?

Okay. There's something familiar, something feels individual, personal, but that's just more feelings. It's not Amy. It's not an entity. It's not something that is running the show, is in charge of life.

And it was a moment in my experience when I looked at this feeling of being separate like what is that you know the language says there is feeling of separation we hear that all the time I'm separate but what does it actually mean in experience

like if you look in your experience what does that Feeling separate. Which feeling precisely is that informing about something being separate? Isn't that just another feeling?

And how can a feeling be separate?

And also in this email there was this line, it feels like a million little cuts. I know that one. So I've been there like trying to cut cut cut parts of yourself of myself in my case and it felt painful frustration and it was a lot of effort. Felt like a lot of effort,

like trying again,

trying to figure it out, trying to get rid of something and then applying that like a tool. Self inquiry becomes like a tool to to get to say something.

But seeing through the self is not um something that is added on all the time. It's just a moment, one moment, and when it's seen, it's seen. It's not like you have to see it again and again and again. After the first initial seeing, yes, you you may want to see the same in different situations from different angles, but the initial opening, it's unnoticing. It's noticing what is here, what is not here, what has never been here, what's imagined, what's actual.

So I I say that once you see it, once you cannot unsee it. That that kind of glance through because the first initial recognition

open something. There wasn't notice before even though it's always here

and after that initial opening stuff starts to come up. the old old emotions, old fears, griefs, anger, sense of being unfinished, sense of uh frustration,

these things come up and it doesn't mean that you're failing or that you're not seeing. It's just when there is an opening, when space opens for something to be seen, this old thing starts rising up.

And often often people would say that I went back to square one. I went backwards. I don't see it now. But it's mixing two things here because seeing clearly is recognition. What you are not what you are. But these patterns that keep happening in daily life they continue and it's not what you are. So I keep these two two things very separate distinct direct pointing and deep looking. Direct pointing is precisely to look at the self illusion to see once and for all that there's no separate self. And it's about seeing what is not real. While deep looking is about meeting what is meeting what's arising, meeting it in a different way than you usually meet. So it's meeting what is real in experience and allowing that to just be just being with it in a way that you can self-resolve move self adjust not by effort but by presence and that's the difference.

So look whatever is coming up like doubt, confusion, frustration, there's some kind of sensation in the body. There's some kind of energy here and these are not mistakes. These are doorways. These are invitations to to go there with your attention to let them be.

So you can you see that there is nothing wrong with whatever is arising. It doesn't mean that you do not see through this self illusion that there is nothing wrong with you or your experience.

It's just that the next thing is coming up to be met. And that's the good news. Don't need to work for it. It's already here. It's not by effort.

So when I sit with somebody, I always say h what's here? Just let's invite whatever wants to come up to come up to be seen, to be experienced, to be explored. That's kind of taking the back seat and inviting

whatever pattern wants to show up. And the first thing I say, I see you. Meaning, I'm not you. I'm not this pattern. This is not what I am. And it's okay for it to be here. I'm safe. So, it's kind of acknowledging that whatever is here can be here, can be met. You don't need to run away from it, to hide from it. And it's yet to be seen, to be felt, to be experienced.

And that's where the old patterns start to collapse.

And the exhaustion in that email where where this person is really tired of all these thousand million little cuts wanting to see clearly. It's actually a good place to be because without exhaustion,

there's honesty of having enough. Honesty of this doesn't work anymore.

And it may be very uncomfortable and many people are running away from that recognition that oh I've been seeking for so many years. I have done everything and it it it hasn't worked.

And just admitting that defeat or that hopelessness

and just being with that feeling honestly and truthfully

that's where things start to shift.

So for the seeker is next next next next. And when this is exhausted then there is a retreat retreat back back into yourself and just being with what is here.

That's the right movement.

And just check for yourself. Are you in this running, grasping, trying to get, trying to understand, trying, efing, or are you in the process of coming back, settling in

and wherever you are, it's right there. There's exactly right. You are exactly right where you need to be. And everything is unfolding exactly right for you.

And for those who are still grasping and trying and trying to understand this, I actually created a course and I ran it the end of summer and it's being being packaged and being prepared. So hopefully in January it will be released for everyone else. So there it's just pure guiding into seeing through the self illusion to see that one insight because yes it's so simple. It doesn't mean it's easy. It can be easy. doesn't have to be hard. But it's just

it's so easy to get lost when you're on your own and you don't know how to look, where to look, what's going on here. And from my own seeking days, I knew the words. I didn't say I intellectually understand it because I didn't. It felt like I didn't understand it, but I knew the words.

It didn't connect to experience. That was the gap. That was that what had to close. The words experience. And when it closed, it closed for good. There was no more doubt and no more question.

And yet life continued. And it still continues.

So what if not nothing needs to change. All this sense of me, sense of separation, sense of confusion, sense of doubt and sense of desperation and hopelessness. They don't arise to be fixed or seen through or got rid of. What if they come to be met

because freedom this true freedom is when everything can be itself when everything is allowed to be. There's more no more argument with what is

and that that freedom is here now.

Just see how this lands in you and if there is something arising for you to be met.