Afternoon Pint
Afternoon Pint is a laid-back Canadian podcast hosted by Matt Conrad and Mike Tobin. Each week they meet at at a craft brewery, restaurant or pub with a surprise special guest.
They have been graced with appearances from some truly impressive entrepreneurs, athletes, authors, entertainers, politicians, professors, activists, paranormal investigators, journalists and more. Each week the show is a little different, kind of like meeting a new person at the pub for a first, second or third time.
Anything goes on the show but the aim of their program is to bring people together. Please join in for a fun and friendly pub based podcast that is all about a having a pint, making connections and sharing some good human spirit.
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Afternoon Pint
Serena Haines - Is communication the new foreplay?
This week, sex educator and intimacy coach Serena Haines joins us for a pint and shares her journey in becoming a certified sexologist, breaking down misconceptions about pleasure, anatomy, and communication in relationships. We found this to be a fun and informative discussion around healthy relationships for both new partners and long term partners alike.
Visit SerenaHaines.com to learn more about intimacy coaching and catch Serena's TED Talk on August 9th at the Lighthouse Art Center, in Halifax exploring how sexual wellness is a missing piece in overall mental health.
Kimia Nejat of Kimia Nejat Realty
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Ready.
Speaker 2:Cheers and welcome to the Afternoon Point. I'm Mike Dobin, I am Matt Conrad, and who do we have with us?
Speaker 3:today I'm Serena Haynes. Your everything to do with sex, sex coach.
Speaker 2:Sex what?
Speaker 3:coach. Everything to do with sex. Sex coach.
Speaker 2:Sex, sex coach, sex education or sex ed, or what do you mean? A little bit of everything.
Speaker 3:So I'm a certified sexologist which means I study the art of sex and how to's and all the goodies that are in there. I'm a certified relationship and intimacy coach. So I help couples and you know, work on their relationship and their intimacy and I'm like I always laugh and I quote it, but I go on. I'm a Gottman Institute. Um, I have a Gottman Institute certification in relational coaching. So the. Gottmans are like the gold standard of relational counseling. So I've studied under them and worked really hard to be able to kind of help people in relationships as well.
Speaker 2:Interesting. So I'll just say real quick where we're at. It might be a little noisy here. We're at Station 6 today. We're not in our usual spot, but they were still nice enough to hold us in here so thanks thanks to station six I'm having uh, what am I drinking, matt? You're drinking the anytime ipa propeller anytime, ipa, it's a great one and you're having galaxy of course, galaxy of course.
Speaker 3:And I have no idea. I asked her for something sweet oh, they brought you the sour sour. It's the sour, is it sour?
Speaker 2:yeah, okay, yeah I hope it is. She's not like you what not sour? I'm not a big well, I don't mind like sour candy, but I don't like sour beer.
Speaker 3:I don't like sour candy, but I'll drink sour beer.
Speaker 2:Okay, there you go, and I'm a lightweight. So when people Do you like sauerkraut? I?
Speaker 3:do like sauerkraut. See, I love sauerkraut. I can eat that all day, so maybe we won't do that while we're talking about sex tonight. No, that might be more fun.
Speaker 2:Actually, we'll see what happens. So let's just go back a second. So you're a sex educator, I guess, for couples and for individuals, and for individuals.
Speaker 3:So yeah, so I have a private practice. So I work with couples and individuals who have any sort of intimacy, relational or sexual challenge Okay, have any sort of intimacy, relational or sexual challenge. So that can range from you know how to give a good blowjob to you know, we've been together 20 years and our relationship is like falling off the deep end and we don't even know each other anymore. So it can be all the extremes and everything in between.
Speaker 2:So it kind of starts with therapy sometimes and then works into the sex after. Is that kind of the gist?
Speaker 3:Well, no it's kind of I'm not a therapist. So, I'm really careful to make sure everybody knows that that was personal reasons and choices. So I want to take you to your first sex club and I want to take you to, you know, your first sex party and I want to do those things and be your everything to do with sex sex coach, wing woman. And if I was a therapist I'd be regulated under some laws and things that ethically I'm not allowed to do that.
Speaker 2:Got it. Okay, I'm a little bit of everything else, so let's go back a little bit in the timeline. How did you get to this occupation, this profession?
Speaker 3:How did you get to this point, Serena? My mother says that to me every day with a shake in her head and shame in her eyes.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, I forgot to say mom turn this one off. Yeah, exactly, kathy, turn this one off.
Speaker 3:No, no no, Kathy reach out.
Speaker 1:You'll love it.
Speaker 3:How did I get here? So you know it's a. It's a really long story but the short of it is I was always that girl that always wanted to talk about sex, and not in a crass way and not in a weird way, like even from a younger age and I hesitate so much when I say young, but I really do mean like a younger age, age appropriately, but younger I was just fascinated by relationships and human biology and just human psychology, just the way people interacted with each other. So like fast forward into my university years and things, you know people. If they had questions they come and talk to me and I loved it. Course I was listening to Sue Johansson religiously when I was like 13, 14, 15 years old, thinking I knew it all. And then, you know, in university I did psychology and I thought you know what this is really boring. I don't, I don't like this. I would rather go smoke weed out with the boys. So I kind of flunked out and I didn't do that. But it became a paramedic and I know none of this really feels like it kind of comes together, but it really does, because becoming a paramedic gave me the, the human biology side of it and I really loved how the body worked and it has such a big impact on how I looked at my own sexuality and my own mortality
Speaker 2:right, exactly, you know people in their hardest moment or the most critical moment of their lives, and then dealing right and dealing with.
Speaker 3:You know people going through this trauma and how different people deal with that.
Speaker 1:And then it's also still all anatomy, though like it, I see the connection yeah, very much right, it's still health, it's still like health and anatomy and if it's not.
Speaker 3:If it's not physical anatomy, it's just your emotional anatomy yeah, you know like, how do you manage being in spaces with people who may or may not be on the same page with you, and how can you read that room? And then how can you work around it? Right? So we did that. Then I became a mom. So for like 15 years I was a stay at home mom and I was just so bored. I was so bored, I was busy, I was really, really busy, but I knew that I wanted to do something else. So one day actually, I looked at my husband and I was like OK, do you know what? Babe? I'm about to fuck some stuff up right now.
Speaker 2:And he's like what do you mean?
Speaker 3:And I was like you need to hold on to your horses right now. Everything that everybody knows about who I am and who we are is about to like go in the toilet. Because I'm jumping out of hockey mom, and I mean I was in the hockey culture for a long time with all of my kids and jumping from hockey mom to sex coach. Can you can only imagine so?
Speaker 2:yeah, like nobody in your circle knew this about your, that this was your deep interest, your closest friends, but like, but I'm a pretty closed book.
Speaker 3:There's not. I don't have a very large close circle, so there's like a palm full of people in my world who know me, who I am and what I love.
Speaker 2:And what year was that?
Speaker 3:You kind of broke the probably like 2015 or 2016. I looked at them and I was like I'm gonna do something ridiculous and I needed to find something for myself in my own body and that's not a real easy world to do that in, because I mean hockey.
Speaker 1:I mean, listen, I love hockey, don't I'll. It's a great sport, yeah, but let's be honest, here, uh, in canada, hockey comes with a very toxic culture, whether you know. It's always keeping up the Joneses, or whatever it may be and the way you should be, and all the way your kids should be and everything. So it's particularly a really hard thing to come out to that may be against the grain or against the norm or something.
Speaker 2:Now, your husband obviously knew you. So how did he react to it? Was he supportive? Did he know this was? Kind of coming, or like? Did he react to it? Was he supportive? Did he know this was kind of coming? Or like did he see a looming, like this deep desire to do this thing?
Speaker 3:Well, if you ask him now, he would say yes, and my husband does know me and he kind of did. I don't know the body language will come out in the microphone, but it was kind of like this here we go Like he knew it right. Like he knew something was up and he knew that he couldn't stop me, and you know he was.
Speaker 3:I'm not going to lie. He knows and he knows that I talk about this all the time. He was not supportive right away. He was worried. It's not that he didn't want me to do it, but much like everybody who hears what I do, he didn't know what it was. I really wanted to get out of this right. So we kept saying things like I don't want our sex life to be put out there. I don't want my personal life to be put out there and I'm like, I'm like 100% as well.
Speaker 3:That's not, that's not the dance.
Speaker 2:That's not what we talked about. When you step into that arena, you know you really got to let people have their personal lives and kind of live just as you want to live your life as you want to live, exactly.
Speaker 3:So I respect that None of our personal life was really ever brought in. That wasn't even a thought on my mind, because my voice wasn't what I wanted to share necessarily publicly it was. I wanted to be in clinic with people. I wanted to bring people in one-on-one.
Speaker 3:So it wasn't me sitting here like I am today, or even on my own podcast saying, hey, this is what I do now, like that wasn't the original plan. It was really like I see so many people struggling, especially as a stay-at-home mom in the hockey world. Okay, and I know for some, if you're not, it's not even hockey. I think it's sports in the sports arena in general. If you're a sports parent, you get really close to these people and they become the people you spend almost the most time with. When I've got two boys that were in hockey, my daughter tried but she didn't like it. But having all of that in there, it really got in the way of me being able to keep my mouth shut.
Speaker 3:So I would hear like the stay-at-home moms being like, oh my God, he doesn't do the laundry and he doesn't do this, and then he wants me to suck his dick. And then I've got like the opposite side of it, where I'm kind of a guy's girl and the hockey moms didn't really like me a lot and they didn't talk to me a lot and that because I was by myself, like I had three kids, I was alone.
Speaker 3:I was really antisocial. But I'd hear the boys and they're like going to the strip club and they're going to go do the thing, and I was sitting there going I want to go with you guys. You guys are having fun. They're just fucking eating pizza with the kids. Like let me come. But, like you can't do that Like the hockey mom can't go with hockey.
Speaker 2:Dads I mean my.
Speaker 3:God, like that's scandalous, right? So you can't do that either. So, hearing all of these different sides, I was like you know what, I'm just going to go do my thing. I thing, when I first started I'm not going to lie I dove headfirst and this won't surprise anybody who knows me either. I don't tiptoe into very many things. I dive headfirst and then I will wade out to my comfort level, Right. But I really want to like submerge myself in it and I went out and did somatic sexology. So I became a certified sexological body worker.
Speaker 2:That sounds complicated. What does that mean?
Speaker 3:So that is kind of like I can touch people's bodies.
Speaker 2:Okay, that's what I thought I wanted to do. You have a license to do that. Is that what you mean?
Speaker 3:You can yeah.
Speaker 1:In a very clinical setting. Can someone not let Donald Trump know that? In a very clinical, therapeutic setting, right?
Speaker 3:But, seriously, this is what I thought I wanted to do, because I heard all of these women specifically all of these women who were like who've lost themselves. They had lost their drive, their spark, their sex life was gone with their husbands. I'm hearing the husbands on the other side just like be completely lost as well.
Speaker 2:And I'm thinking Okay, so go back. Yeah, because this is where I'm really curious. Were people just sharing this with you as a hockey mom?
Speaker 3:Yeah, people just talk to me.
Speaker 2:They're just opening up and saying, man, I'm not having sex right now. They're just telling you that the women don't generally the men do Really yeah. Okay.
Speaker 3:So here's the thing, though you guys and listen, this is a dicey little topic, but as a woman who wants to talk about sex, you're going to get the guys that want to talk to you about this Okay, guys want to talk to a woman about sex. Like it's a hot little, spicy little thing to do regardless of, who you are Dudes.
Speaker 2:don't really talk to dudes about sex Dudes. Don't talk to dudes about sex, I mean Matt and I don't think we've ever had a conversation about that subject.
Speaker 3:Right. Like, not not, probably not real and deep Like or I mean, you know you got to get in a little bit deeper than that, but I'm sure but. And then the women they a lot of the time as a mother especially, there's a hat that you put on when you become a mom and that sex fixin hat has to be tucked away somewhere, except when it has to come out right away and you supposed to want it. They're not supposed to desire it, they're just supposed to be really good girls.
Speaker 1:I never thought that like that, ever. I never thought that way either. Is that still a mentality that people have?
Speaker 2:Is that a generational thing? Do you think that's a clutch leaving?
Speaker 3:I don't know, I could ask you guys some pretty Okay, let me ask you.
Speaker 2:Sure.
Speaker 3:You are dating a woman and you find out that she has slept with 300 people in the city 300?
Speaker 2:300.
Speaker 1:That's a big number. Do you know what? I've never asked that question to anyone I've ever dated.
Speaker 3:Good for you, because, see, this is the thing Some people still do and it matters to them, because if that had happened, then what's the first thing that comes to your mind when I say something like that right, loose, easy.
Speaker 3:The only thing I ever really cared about like is like have they been sexually active with a close buddy, right that's the only thing where I'm kind of like yeah too, too close to home, you know, I mean maybe right and that's cool, I mean like that's totally fine, but I just mean like that general overview of if a woman has fucked with a lot of people.
Speaker 1:I didn't ask her, though I'd be like hey guys, this is the first time I'm dating Anyone, anyone Right.
Speaker 3:So see, so you still did it. I mean in defense of that question, though it happened.
Speaker 2:Yeah, girls definitely ask guys that and there's definitely you know.
Speaker 3:The text thread of all of my divorcee girlfriends is just Tinder profile pictures of like did you go out with this one? Did you go out with this one?
Speaker 2:Who's?
Speaker 3:this guy just vetting. It's just the vetting process I get it.
Speaker 1:I totally understand with my wife now. She's from quebec, so I knew I was safe. I went really far away.
Speaker 3:Yeah, exactly, grab one from far and then you just bring them back.
Speaker 2:So yeah, so so what are other questions that you think that like aren't, aren't equal? Because I mean, I feel that's an equal question the male, the female, right, I mean what do you? Mean, that's some the asking about sexual partners, previous sexual partners. I think both men and women do ask that of each other so it's not.
Speaker 3:I don't think it's that the men and the women asking it of each other.
Speaker 2:I think it's the way society views it so the woman who had sex with 300 people is a whore right and the man that had sex with 300 people is the best man. He's the goat. No, he's got to slow down too. You know what I?
Speaker 3:mean yeah, I don't know what and I honestly like, yeah, okay, maybe not 300, even if, even if the number was 20, still like I, I don't know, there's, I don't know, maybe.
Speaker 1:Maybe people think I'm weird about this, but I I never liked the uh, even the current phrases where it's like body count and bagged or things like oh how many did you slay. It's also violent, right we?
Speaker 3:talk about that a lot in my work too is that we want to change the narrative because words matter. Words matter a lot, and when you're talking about smashing it and banging it, I agree with that, and you pummeled it last weekend. It's all so violent.
Speaker 3:And then we wonder why we have still this pervasive violence that comes with insects yeah, you know, and it's the language that we're using like there's not very many times that you'll hear the boys talk to the boys and be like oh my god, I snuggled that pussy so hard last week we cuddled forever. You know like I stroked her so gently that she came 17 times, because that's the key fellas. All right, if you're going to smash it, she's likely just going to go home with bruises on her butt, which is also super fun. But maybe you want to like stroke it a little bit more gentle.
Speaker 1:There you go, and that's what I do.
Speaker 3:That's what I do for a living.
Speaker 2:I teach people how to do that which brings us to your gift bags. You brought us gift bags. You have a whole bag of stuff and I'm curious.
Speaker 1:Tickle trunk, a little tickle trunk.
Speaker 2:It's quite a big box.
Speaker 3:These I brought for you guys.
Speaker 1:I had to, I'm sorry.
Speaker 3:Okay, so in this little baggie that I have for you. I teamed up with Voda Retreats. I don't know if you guys know Voda Retreats. They do a lot of mindfulness and wellness products.
Speaker 2:Serena Haynes and vota teamed up and we have a um, first of all, I'll tell you what that is now there's a, there's an inhaler in there that neither one of you have taken out yet. It's a little nasal inhaler and it's got like sexy scents on it, that, it that no this is an oil okay you don't know how right there, right there okay so that's it. Yes, ginger so did you know I love ginger.
Speaker 3:There you go. So this is a little nasal inhaler kind of like. You know those Vicks inhalers that you would use like if you're all stuffy and you kind of inhale it, but it's meant to this is branded Serena.
Speaker 2:This got your name on it.
Speaker 3:Yes, oh my God, holy smokes. Yeah, we did a really cool little collab on this kind of and she's the brilliant one. Rebecca is the brilliant one at voter retreats when it comes to like the sense and the combos and how that works.
Speaker 3:And you kind of inhale it and it's supposed to bring the blood flow and, like you know, get you kind of feeling all sexy. And then on the back of that card, that branded card, there's a little QR code and on that QR code is a meditation. It's an eye gazing meditation recorded by myself, so it's my voice and it's walking you through either doing a self-guided eye gazing meditation with yourself or with your partner, so it's able to. It's a moment where you would inhale your little inhaler and then sit with your partner and listen to this like I think it's about 10 minute meditation and look at each other's eyes and eye gaze and then you'd start your erotic presence with one sounds like a trip, there you go so that's a lot of fun.
Speaker 1:I'm not doing this with you. You want next episode. Next episode.
Speaker 2:Record, video record, and then we have some self, just some coconut oil. Oh, okay.
Speaker 3:Genital oil. So this is good oil and lubricant for all genitals. So it's genital safe but body safe as well. So just a little, you know it's organic and it's just a really nice little lube to have. And then the third thing that you have in there are called the pleasure pods.
Speaker 3:And I do have to sound like a little bit of a commercial, because pleasure pods are the sponsor of a lot of my events and myself as well. So the pleasure pods is a solid lube that comes in kind of like a half moon. Um, I may have one here that we can open. You guys can look at it. Um, it comes in like a half moon and it's kind of like a coconut oil and it melts with your body temperature.
Speaker 3:So it was actually created and formulated for women in menopause, and what you do is you kind of take it and you crack it into little bits and you can stick it in whatever hole you want to stick it in and it melts with your body temperature so it's really good for all kinds of different play, so vaginal play or anal play or anything like that.
Speaker 3:Plus, because it melts with your body temperature, you can give massages with it. It's really good for people with penises. Instead of using just like lubriderm lotion, maybe you want to like use something that's really nourishing for your skin when you're doing your self-pleasure and your masturbation. So that's a really amazing product. So I wanted to give you guys one of those too.
Speaker 1:Cool, and then your cards.
Speaker 3:And then my business card.
Speaker 1:Oh, your business card in there? I didn't see that. Yeah, the business cards are good. Look at them. They really stand out.
Speaker 3:Oh, thank you, Whoa, yeah, that's cool Sex and intimacy Coach. Sex and intimacy.
Speaker 2:Well, this is great, so thank you for the gift. Yeah, you know masturbation oil I think it would be really fun. We had some questions and stuff we were going to ask. But I mean, I'm just kind of really curious it's kind of like meat and carrot top for the first time what else you got? What else you got in that trunk over there? I want to know.
Speaker 3:So the reason I bring my trunk around a lot, so I talk a lot about women's pleasure, primarily because I wish that you kind of can't see everything.
Speaker 2:I've never felt so much like Howard Stern, by the way.
Speaker 3:Yes, seriously, this is great.
Speaker 2:He was one of my icons in radio for many years. Yeah, and now you get to have all of this stuff.
Speaker 3:I'll turn it away from all of the patrons that are in the bar.
Speaker 2:I'll turn it away from them, but I'll tell you why I bring all of this stuff. We won't be invited back to this spot. We'll lay all this stuff. We've got a little anal toy.
Speaker 3:And then we've got this little fun. We're getting way off track here. We have this really fun little toy that you put on your hand.
Speaker 2:It's a glove. What was the bad guy in that Raccoons TV show? It's a glove. What was the bad?
Speaker 1:guy in that raccoon's TV show.
Speaker 2:It kind of looks like his nose. Serious, nero. It looks like his nose from the raccoon's TV show.
Speaker 3:For the first time I noticed it has a fingernail.
Speaker 2:It does too. Look at that. Okay, there you go, Anyways.
Speaker 3:So, anyway, that's pretty much, and there's a couple of other toys that are in here as well, but it's women's anatomy, so these are like models where you're teaching people where to do the stuff Pretty much the anatomy Like for example and we're getting to a point now she reminds me of like grade eight man when she took out the banana, Did you guys have that in your glass and you had to like put the condom on it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I did a show a couple of years ago at the Atlantic sex show called more than the tip. My show by myself is called just the tip and then I do a comedy show with comedians and it's called more than the tip.
Speaker 2:And we call.
Speaker 3:We had people come up on stage and do a couple of little like games to win prizes, and one of them was like show how you give the best blowjob. And this man came up and he took a banana and he literally inhaled it, like I'm talking, like unpeeled it, it went down his throat and like it didn't come back out again. And I just didn't come back out again and I just I was like on my knees going bravo, that was amazing anyways. So like, for example, like do you guys know what this is?
Speaker 1:um, it looks like lungs no, I don't know what that wishbone, so it looks like a wishbone right.
Speaker 3:So this is the clitoris oh okay, and so what?
Speaker 2:so what's the model? It model, right. So this is the vulva.
Speaker 1:I was honestly thinking this was a toy. But okay, sure, no right, so it's a model.
Speaker 2:And so the reason that I bring my stuff around a lot. It's more like a Star Wars character when it's that color. Yes, oh yeah, it's iridescent blue.
Speaker 3:You got to zhuzh it up a little bit. I mean, give me side is what most people kind of focus on, or even the fact that, like intercourse itself or something in insertion is what's going to really bring a woman to pleasure. But only 12, or sorry, only 18 percent of women will have orgasms through penetration, and the rest of it is because of our clitoris. So if I was to ask you guys, just any general person like what's the male sex organ?
Speaker 2:what would you say? Well, what is it? Yeah, what is it, yeah, what is it? Well, penis, pretty sure, what it is Penis, yeah, of course.
Speaker 3:But if I asked you what was the female sex organ, what would you say?
Speaker 2:Clitoris. Well, now you would.
Speaker 1:No, I thought I knew that before this.
Speaker 3:I mean geez, yeah, but most people would actually say the vagina.
Speaker 2:Okay, right.
Speaker 3:People would say a vagina and I go no, this is the vulva. Everything on the outside is the vulva and everything on the inside the vagina. But the clitoris is a sex organ. So it's just interesting to me that not a lot of people know what this looks like. Like this is a full erectile bed.
Speaker 2:This is going to be the perfect picture for your podcast episode.
Speaker 3:No one will know what this is until they watch the episode Just hold that up just a little bit, Cause I and then and then yeah perfect.
Speaker 2:Just look up. Awesome, that's that's. That's a picture. That's it for this week's episode. That's the episode tile.
Speaker 3:It's an erectile bed, so like this grows. This is life size and it grows like three to four times the size when we get boners, because we get boners too and then. So this is the whole deal with my work is that I try to help people understand mostly female pleasure, because if you can understand, if you're hetero and you're, you understand female pleasure, then your pleasure as the man in that relationship is going to skyrocket, because you're going to find yourself with a woman who maybe prior to didn't like sex, didn't want to have sex, because the sex that she was having was shitty and she wasn't orgasming and her body wasn't being taken care of and her needs weren't being met.
Speaker 3:To a woman who is so into it that she's fiending for you and she's just your little slut whore at home and you love it and she loves it, and everybody is just like oh, I just want more, because now all of a sudden a lot of new words in this episode.
Speaker 2:I think, yeah, yeah, oh, my gosh okay I can censor myself no, no, no, it's okay have fun like I said it's your episode I mean how?
Speaker 1:you know, like how do you talk about this stuff? I mean, we have to talk about these things. I mean our generation's kind of we were raised in a generation where we had to say, like you know, flower pee-pee or things. And it's just like can we just say penis, Exactly?
Speaker 3:Can we just say vagina and instead of like cookie and flower and all of this stuff. Say vulva, Like that's your vulva. It's really so. That's the other part of the work that I'm doing is having these conversations with grownups. I'm helping the grownups feel comfortable with this language so that they can teach their children.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:Right, so that you can go home and maybe you have a daughter and you're a daughter and now you don't feel uncomfortable. You can bathe her and say something like here babe, take the face cloth and wash your vulva.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Just like you would look at your son likely and say here wash your balls or wash your penis or wash your dick, whatever.
Speaker 3:Like you could just say the word but instead of saying like cookie or whatever there's so there. There's so much research out there that says that when we use the right language for younger children and then, as they get into erotic stages of their lives, early teenagehood like finding their own bodies and their own pleasure, if we focus on pleasure as something that's important, 17, 18, and knows what her body feels like, is not going to let somebody's dusty ass son rub her left thigh for 45 minutes just to make him like her you know, because, trust me, back in the day I did, you know that's what we did.
Speaker 3:Like if you don't do it, somebody else will. If you don't let them do it, somebody else will. These are this is the narrative.
Speaker 3:Narrative like if you want them, you better show up as that girl right and I want to change that narrative, and the only way to do that is to help young women have so much agency and power over their own pleasure that they stand up and they say, babe, I really want to hang out with you and this is really fun, but that's not at all where my pleasure spots are and you can learn how to touch them and let's, let's, work on this together now.
Speaker 2:age appropriately at 20, whatever you know we're not talking about young people. I mean younger people must have some unrealistic expectations about sex, whether pornography and stuff. Is that something that you kind of see quite a bit? Is that in all ages, or just not even all ages?
Speaker 3:All ages, like how many times do I have men come in? Most of my clients when I first started were men and they would come in with things. Like clients when I first started were men, yeah, and they would come in with things. Like you know, my penis is not big enough, I don't know how to please my partner.
Speaker 2:I don't know how to do all this stuff. I thought you'd have more women coming in than men, for some reason, just thinking yeah, no not in the beginning.
Speaker 3:Like now it's changed a little bit, but in the very beginning it was very much like it blew my mind and it's across the board. Like I have many friends of mine who are sex coaches and working in this, this field, and it's the men who are coming in and saying I know that there's more. I know that I've gotten the shaft pardon the pun on the education and the knowledge around how to actually be a good lover. I know that I'm missing something because she's pissed off or he's pissed off. You know I'm not having a good time. We're all you know. What am I missing about this? Or sex is so shallow for me, I just go, I do the thing. It's so shallow. Then I have post-knock clarity and I'm done and I'm over and it just feels empty.
Speaker 3:How do I feel more connected and attached? We work on slowing things down.
Speaker 2:That's great, that guys are going out and approaching it that way. It's amazing. It's a smart way to do it. Kudos to those people that show up and just kind of talk about themselves that way. I've had a lot.
Speaker 3:I've always had a lot of compassion for men Like I am a woman so it's ingrained in me to have that compassion. But as a woman we were kind of. You know, maybe in your generations because I'm not going to guess anybody's ages, but I know in mine. You had to look at a still photo in a magazine or you had to dial up your internet.
Speaker 2:We get the dial up internet. You had to dial up your internet so we might've got to a point where it would take about 14 minutes for boobs to load up. Or you had like Blue Nui or something, yeah, like late at night, right, oh, you got it.
Speaker 3:So you only had little glimpses and you had to use your imagination so vastly different today.
Speaker 3:Right, you had to use your imagination, and now you don't have to use your imagination at all. Yeah, and you can just be fed all of this information. Come to me at 30, 35 years old saying they have erectile dysfunction, and I'm like, okay, let's talk about your masturbation habits. And the habits are rip and grip while watching the hardest core, dirtiest porn I can, because I've been watching it for so many years that I had to go farther and farther. Yeah, and I had to go farther and farther into it.
Speaker 3:So now, when I'm with my soft, beautiful, loving partner, who needs me to slow down and who needs me to do this, my brain can't, can't slow down enough to actually be in those moments anymore. So then I get worried and I'm in my head and I'm like I've got anxiety, and then my dick doesn't work, and then I get even more anxious and then I can't do anything. And then I just don't want to do anything and I roll over and she thinks I'm mad, and then I've got to be all man and I go out for a beer and now we're having a fight, so like this is just the cycle of how this all goes down, so it makes me really sad for people.
Speaker 1:No, it's true. So how would you reverse that, though? Yeah, Practice.
Speaker 3:It does take practice and I really I always say and again sports analogies but you've got to practice like you play. You have to practice like you play. My kids did not to go out on the ice on Sunday and have a Sunday afternoon skate. You had to skate like you were in the fucking you know gold medal game.
Speaker 3:And that's the way, you need to practice your masturbation as well. If, regardless of who you are, I say the same thing to women. If they come to me and they say I can't do orgasm with my partner, but they're using a vibrator every single time and they're blasting out a five minute orgasm. I go, girl, you're not your partner's not vibrating like that, like you need to be able to do it acoustically as well.
Speaker 1:Acoustically.
Speaker 3:I've never heard that and that is awesome you have to be able to do it that way, and so for men, I will say you know you need to, I I'm I'm not anti-porn. I love porn, but you know everything in moderation, so you have to scale back a little bit, start little bit, start making love to yourself a little bit, and I know that that sounds different for men, but instead of going straight to the goods, just rub your thigh a little bit. Just cup your balls while you're doing it.
Speaker 1:Put on a little you know I'll make love to you. You know, like really kind of get into it, or November rain, november rain.
Speaker 3:November rain. At the dance, while he was like pushing up against you and you were like I think he really likes me.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Those, those back in those days when you had to use your imagination, but yeah, so slow down, I really, and it is a practice then it takes a little while to then kind of resensitize your body to what it feels like to just be slower.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I think that I think that is the biggest thing is, uh, I mean we've talked about this in another episode too where we just like the what porn can do to people and how it can ruin relationships, even your relationship with yourself.
Speaker 3:Yeah Right, yeah, well, it's really easy because it um there's no intimacy involved. Right, you're never rejected.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:Uh, you never have to perform Right. No matter what happens, that girl is accepting you for whatever it is, even if it's a cam girl, even if it's, even if it's a sex worker, honestly, anything that isn't like actually organic. Yeah, the intimacy is taken out of it completely. So that's the hard part, that's the vulnerable part.
Speaker 2:Yeah, more vulnerable, it actually goes right in line with where one of the questions I kind of want to ask, one of the things I want to discuss, is, like, well, I was just reading some stuff and one of the things that communication is a new foreplay and I kind of like that. Yeah, and this was just basically tips for talking about desires, boundaries, these initial discussions about sex, how are they happening in? Households have been together 20 years and households 10 years.
Speaker 3:And what's?
Speaker 2:do you have different strategies of breaking through? So say, say like the, we'll just go with the 20-year relationship. Yeah right, you know I think a lot of our audience is, you know, probably probably 40s yeah right. So so maybe the 10-year or 20-year relationship? How do you initiate this conversation? Because I I believe that there's people on both sides, male or female, that might be intimidated by even starting this talk, because maybe you know life is going good and this is something they want or desire, but they don't want to rock the boat.
Speaker 2:They don't want to rock the boat, or they don't want to make things weird and maybe destroy their partnership. Like they might have some real fear around having those conversations. Where do they start?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so I mean, depending on what they want to talk about, right, like if you wanted to tie your partner up and like drip candle wax on them, I'd say, start super duper slow. But if you really just want to have sex on Wednesdays instead of just Sundays, then you, you know, it might be a bit of an easier conversation, right so? But I do always say schedule intimacy. So that's the first thing that I want people to be able to do is schedule intimacy. It doesn't have to be sex.
Speaker 2:Scratch our first question on the 10 questions.
Speaker 3:It was like my first question on the 10 questions. We always do a game at the end of the show. So, anyways, you got that one, okay, well, and the reason I say it is because when you want to bring up communication, you want to schedule that right. Emily Morris is another sex educator in the world and she's one of my idols.
Speaker 2:Where's she from?
Speaker 3:She's from LA.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:And she talks about tone, turf and timing. Okay so tone. Okay so tone, turf and timing. And those are the things that you really want to think about when you want to talk about anything sex, so like if you had just had a fight about how much the groceries were at 3 o'clock, then maybe at 5. You don't want to be like oh hey, babe, listen, our sex sucks too. You know, so like find the timing of it and then the tone. It has to be less rejection and less we're never doing this.
Speaker 3:Like, why don't we ever right and more of? I really. I remember when we used to and I really loved. When do you remember that time we? That was such a good time. Oh my god. You know, I always thought about what it would be like with you if we could have you ever thought about something like switching up the environment, like you know.
Speaker 2:So, if you're living in a domestic, you're in the same house day in, day out. The routine, the kids, the dog, the cat all that shit. Maybe get out of that house and somewhere else.
Speaker 3:Go somewhere else Talk about things on date night. Vacation sex is like the best time to have sex, Honestly, for women. But people say women. It bothers me a lot because I know the stress that's on men as well. But stress and pleasure can't exist at the same time.
Speaker 2:So when we remove those stresses, that's important.
Speaker 3:You say that so stress and pleasure cannot exist at the same time. No, you have to remove the stress in order for true pleasure to come in. We can perform pleasure when we're stressed right. We can get there, we can have little tidbits of moments, but to really kind of get into it, it just doesn't happen in our brain. It's just the neurology of our brain is that those two places in our brains can't fire at the same time.
Speaker 2:And that goes back to your meditation on your thing there, right, yeah?
Speaker 3:So you, can do this meditation and it will kind of sink you back into your body and connect you with your partner.
Speaker 3:Reduce that stress, eliminate that, reduce the stress, increase your oxytocin, increase a little bit more, you know, lower the dopamine receptors, because dopamine is just quick and fast and we really want oxytocin to kind of slow us down and help bond us and connect us and do those things. But another little tip though if you're in a long-term relationship and you want to start something new, there's a little game that I like to recommend for couples, and it's really. You just find it on the Internet. I didn't create it, I'm not reinventing the wheel, but it's just called a yes-no-maybe game. Yes the wheel, but it's just called a yes, no, maybe game.
Speaker 3:And if you have a partner and you can have a glass of wine with them or a beer or do whatever, and you sit down with them and you say here, babe, look, I found this thing, I usually use me as a scapegoat. Serena, that's crazy. Sex lady said that you should, that we should do this little quiz, and it's not like a quiz, but it's. It's a list and you can get them of hundreds of questions or 20. It just depends. But it's just a list of sex acts, from kissing to kissing with tongue, to hug, to spanking, to whatever it is that you want, and there's columns yes, no and maybe, and then you take one and you take one and you fill out what are your yes, no's and maybe's on this? And then you combine, you switch them and you talk about what your yes's were, what your no's were and what your maybe's were, your, what your yeses were, what your no's were and what your maybe's were your no's.
Speaker 2:We generally just leave off the table and we say, okay, we'll reevaluate those in a little while your maybe's are.
Speaker 3:You know what happened, like where, maybe let's talk about that, but then your yeses, a lot of people. You know that song. Oh my God, pina Colada.
Speaker 2:You know do you like pina coladas and?
Speaker 3:they both write into the thing and then they find out it's them at the end because they don't talk right.
Speaker 2:They didn't know that they liked it. Sometimes people, sometimes people will have these yeses and they go.
Speaker 3:Oh my god, I didn't know. You like that, I like that I used to do that.
Speaker 2:What do you mean you?
Speaker 3:used to do that, and then, all of a sudden, you're creating a new memory together and you're creating a new space together.
Speaker 1:It's a good, good analogy, good song I love that song yeah it's a great song, so yeah. So the um, when you say scheduling sex going kind of back to that, I guess, uh, because you said you know stress or pressure, whatever and sex and all that. So basically I guess the idea would be like try to avoid fighting on that scheduled sex day yeah, yeah, yeah, and I just agreed everything.
Speaker 2:No fights on sex day, right, but I mean it just kind of put a rule up. That sounds like merch to me. Yeah.
Speaker 1:That does sound like merch. That's exactly what I was thinking.
Speaker 2:No fights on sex day. Check out the AP store. We'll have that shirt out next week.
Speaker 3:That's why I'm making one with the clitoris that says we get no honestly, because sex day it doesn't have to be sex, it can just be intimacy. So even if you have had a fight on that day, then you need to find a way to reconnect the arguments that we have in our relationships. You guys are not the problem. That is not the problem. It's the repair and the reconnection that we have lost our track on. People are supposed to argue.
Speaker 2:And why? I mean, I know you already said you weren't a therapist. Why do you think that happens?
Speaker 3:Which? What happens? That loss of connection, that repair, because fighting has such a negative connotation. To it that sometimes people just avoid fights.
Speaker 3:But, then if they do fight, they catastrophize it. They're like, oh my God, we had a fight. Good couples don't fight, but good couples do fight. But really good couples know how to repair after a fight and instead of just saying like sweeping it under the rug and then holding grudges, you look at your partner and you go. You have to be strong enough. So for me, for example, I'm chaotic, I'm just, I'm, I'm just a shit show most of the time. And like I've got cycles of things and I'll go to my partner or something and say, you know, have a blowout. And then I have to know I have to be strong enough to go back and go. That was my fault. I completely take accountability for that. You might be a dickhead too, but I, I blew that out of proportion and this is what needs to happen. Or you know, what you said really did hurt me, like we need to start talking to each other Like we're little children.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:So I like to tell people when you're having an argument with your partner, sometimes if you can cause I know we get flooded a lot of the time and really elevated but if you can look at your partner like the little seven-year-old version of them and say, what would I say to this person right now Maybe a seven-year-old just yelled at me Would I yell back or would I say buddy, that really hurt my feelings.
Speaker 3:You know, like the way you spoke to me. I don't know if you meant to speak to me that way, but it really triggered something in me and it's making me feel like you don't love me right now, and I know that that sounds just so therapeutic and so blah blah blah.
Speaker 2:No, I think that's the only way to have these conversations with our partners.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's a good point and then, to come back together and repair physically and not sex, but a hug, a kiss, a six second kiss.
Speaker 2:It's like you're reading my script here, like I, I just had like this, like you know, exploring intimacy did you send this to her ahead of time? No, I swear to god like exploring intimacy outside the bedroom, right, I mean so. So this is something there that when I read this myself today, I was kind of like okay, yeah, yeah, maybe you're better at some of this stuff, redefining what counts as a connection, be making connections all the time, all the time, yeah.
Speaker 3:So the Gottmans did a very large study one of the largest studies on couples in their relationships, and what they have come to realize is a six-second kiss, open mouth, twice a day is one of the biggest indicators of a couple's success long term. And it's because of the release of oxytocin that happens in that, because you can be mad at your partner and then kiss them for six seconds, unless it's like at the beach.
Speaker 2:you know, when I'm sitting there and I got to look at you. I hate that shit. Like I don't like seeing it when people are doing it right now. They're not like makey now, but it's just like six seconds.
Speaker 1:I had no idea where you were going with that, no idea.
Speaker 3:They only do that on the naked beach.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's right. Yeah, the third beach.
Speaker 2:Shut up Crystal Crescent, the third beach. Yeah, it's a good beach.
Speaker 3:So the six-second kiss is a really good reason, and if you can't turn your head for six seconds, that's on you. Like my daughter says, now, that's an ish you, not an ish me.
Speaker 2:Oh, so you're for public affection like that.
Speaker 3:I love it. Public, public affection when it's like crossing, I mean, if it's not like ten minutes long, but like when people are like going yeah if it's not ten minutes long.
Speaker 1:Six seconds is not really that long it's not that long it's really not that long but this really is okay.
Speaker 3:So just to be clear, though, this connection specifically is supposed to be before you leave each other in the day right and when you come back and reconnect at the end of the day.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:Okay, so it's to say goodbye. Go have a great day. I love you. I hate you, but I love you. You didn't do the laundry. You pissed on the seat, but I love you. Here's your kiss God, damn it. Get out of my face Right Cause. Let's be honest, that's the way it feels sometimes, and then, when it comes back, one person is like oh Jesus, you again, and the other person's like yep, come give me that kiss you know and you've got to do it and it just gives that little softening to the day.
Speaker 1:I like that. No, you know what that makes sense. That's cool. It's not really any different than I've said. Like you know, if you're feeling a little down the dumps or you're sad or something like that, it's like I mean hugs, lift you up, I mean you know, I don't like hugs.
Speaker 2:No, you don't.
Speaker 3:30 second hug is the gold standard. I gotta get better at that the moment that your hug starts to feel uncomfortable is when you need to stay there for 10 more seconds.
Speaker 1:For real For real, like that's your body, because in that moment I'm going to give you a 90 second hug. Honest to God, because that's that moment I'm already angry.
Speaker 3:You can feel it, though, when I say that that moment your body wants to pull away like you feel it we know what that is I'm always like yeah, I do the pound, I don't even really like shaking hands, realistically though, like I've always said, like if you're feeling down the dumps or you're sad or depressed or whatever it may be, it's like some of the if you need to get through it yeah I've always said try to volunteer and help or help somebody.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because it's really hard to feel sad. Yeah, while you're putting a smile on someone else's face. Right, it's not really that different than what you're saying right now. It's not, it's not.
Speaker 3:It's your. You're boosting that oxytocin in your own body. Plus, if you're having a hard day, you're distracting yourself from those negative thoughts. That's right. And you're putting some kindness out there Right in our lives. Yeah, and can I just like talk a little bit more about like, how to extend what did? What was that question? Something about like sex outside of sex? Yeah, intimacy outside of sex, yeah.
Speaker 3:The definition of sex is something that I like to talk about a lot, because the definition of sex for a lot of people is penetration with a goal to orgasm right, particularly Bill Clinton Right.
Speaker 2:That was his definition Exactly.
Speaker 3:But let me two things. Things first of all, there's an entire 50 of this entire you know world that some of us don't have sex with anything that is inserted or penetrated at all right so like it doesn't have to be penetration yeah secondly, the goal doesn't have to be orgasm.
Speaker 3:It can be fun. And this is mind-blowing to some people because they're like well, what do you mean? I can just say, okay, I'm done now, right, like why would you even say that? And I'm like, no, you can actually just say, okay, that was cool, I'm not going to like come, but I'm just done now, like that was super great and I really love it.
Speaker 3:And then I tell long-term couples I go, you know what, they come into me and one partner will say I could have sex like once a month, and I'm feeling okay with that. And I'm like all right, well, let's find a compromise here. Like you know something that we can collaborate on. But what if we took the definition of sex, which is what we're doing now in this world is not just me, it's just the world of sex. Ends is sex. So you could make out, you could kiss, you could do, you know, mutual masturbation, you could be cuddling, you could be doing like an erotic massage, like just a really cozy massage with one another, and when that ends, you can say to your partner that was sex, like we had sex, we had some pleasure right as long as there's some erotic pleasure.
Speaker 3:that's happening there and then everything that happens from the moment that you stop being erotically connected in that moment until the time you become erotically connected again is foreplay.
Speaker 3:So that's your day to day, that's your kisses, that's how you've treated each other, that's the calls that you've made, the sexting you've done. You know the things that you've, you know, incorporated, the effort that you've incorporated into your person, right? So maybe your partner really likes emotional connection and maybe you really like some distance, because guess what? Distance is a love language too. I really like it is I really like it when my partner's like just go and I'm like I fucking love you.
Speaker 2:Like.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much Like I don't need to be up in your grill all the time, like that drives me insane. Let me go to the lake by myself, right? So like you go golfing or you go play hockey or you go play your sport and go do your thing, so all of those things are foreplay. It's how you're treated between sexual encounters and the interesting thing is most people who are have been socialized as women will say the more that that foreplay is cultivated and um made important, the more often they actually want to do the sexy stuff.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, yeah, that's what it means to be emotionally connected. Right, I like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, that makes a lot of sense actually. Um, I, uh, I actually wanted to. I don't know if, but if you had something there, but there was something I wanted to kind of go back to.
Speaker 1:That just kind of re-popped back into my head, because you were talking about when you were younger and the things that you were always interested in and you talked about education with kids and things like that, and I mean, some people get triggered by that, yeah, but I do feel that it and I think you and I've even talked about this before that it's it's better to you know for the, for the right people to educate your kid on, on sex, or it's just sex, just anatomy yes, right, just anatomy. Right, because you don't want the wrong person to educate your kid on that. And I liked what you were saying when you first talked about how you mentioned particularly women, but I'm sure it's the same for men too, those who are comfortable with their body the most and don't feel shame, because it's often that shame that prevents them from coming forward when they've been abused when they were young.
Speaker 3:Exactly.
Speaker 1:And I think that's something that really needs to be kind of hammered home is the importance of the education of not just sex but anatomy and all that stuff, the lack of shame, the comfort that they can have in their body, because we can protect a lot of young people from being abused if they have that weapon of knowledge.
Speaker 3:Exactly, and that's exactly what it is. It's a weapon when you have knowledge like knowledge, is that power, and it's not just power over your pleasure and your orgasm, it really is power over the name of your body parts. So you know, you know, uncle, so-and-so can't come up to you and be like let me show you what you're supposed to do with your cookie. Right, you know, and now your little person not have any idea what's going on.
Speaker 1:And you feel that shame, and you feel a lot of shame, and no one talks about it. So all of a sudden now it's like quiet and like you know, I remember that at bath time.
Speaker 3:You know dad couldn't help me do this or mom didn't say the right name for this. If something happened, am I allowed to go talk to them about it? So if you have, a home that's cultivated, where you know just the language is used at an appropriate level, like from the time children are of age to be learning how to speak, they should be learning the proper names of their body parts. There's nothing wrong with that right.
Speaker 3:So as long as and then they know that that's a completely open conversation I have two boys and when I was raising my boys I made it so and it has nothing. I don't want to say it has nothing to do with sex, but I wanted them to be really comfortable with women's bodies and women's issues. So even if I was down in the downstairs bathroom and like I needed a tampon or maybe I didn't, I would call out to my young boys and be like hey, can somebody go get me a tampon? So they heard the language tampon, mom's on her period, like things like that, just general things, nothing. You know how old are your kids now? 20, 17, and 16.
Speaker 1:And how do they feel about mom's profession?
Speaker 3:So, my oldest has kind of grown up with it a little bit, I would imagine, right. So and he, you know that was completely fine. We've been completely. We've had such an open household like that for a really long time, so he's totally cool with it. He actually said to me one day he goes, cause I check in with the kids quite often and I'll say so, how's it going? You know mom's on the internet, now Mom's here. You know mom's voice is everywhere. I'm talking to all kinds of stuff saying anything.
Speaker 3:And they say no, they haven't really heard anything. My oldest is like well, the boys make fun of me a little bit, but they're just ribbing me and I go yeah, okay, he's a hockey player, he's 20 years old, like whatever. Um, but, but he goes. But the girls really love it when they find out my mom's a sex coach.
Speaker 2:So thanks, mom and I was like oh, but they love it, he's, he's really, he has a really high emotional intelligency as well which.
Speaker 3:I really, really love. But it is fun to hear him like seeing with like his girlfriends, like talking about different things that maybe other boys wouldn't want to talk about at such a at that age. My, my other son, he doesn't, he'll come to me about private things. He doesn't necessarily talk to me about much. And my daughter honestly, honestly, I think she's just so sick of it and she's so sick of me and she's 16. And then she's just like whatever, mom, I don't care Like whatever.
Speaker 1:That's a typical 16 year old. Just so typical, 100% Right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but like these pleasure pods, for example, I use them as a lip gloss and she has one up in her room and she uses it as a lip gloss and when her friends come over she goes I our house and we keep it really light. Yeah, but there's nothing that was never age appropriate that was talked about and and people say, well, how do you know what's age appropriate? Yeah, but you will know like your kids will start asking questions. If your kids say something like where do babies come from? Stop telling them. They come from the stork and they come from belly buttons. Literally say the words babies grow in mommy's uteruses. Oh, and then your kid. And then stop the go dead.
Speaker 2:Stop, because your kid will ask the next question You're back to your parents when you were a kid. What'd you get?
Speaker 3:I got not a heck of a lot.
Speaker 2:What kind of story do you remember? Did I get? Maybe?
Speaker 3:the stork probably I got a story about bears man. Bears, Polar bears.
Speaker 2:I swear to God I didn't think about it until years later. They read a book to us and like me and my younger brother about like bears and shit, like swear to god, and it was just like about bears and they had a baby bear and all that. So I think it was like, probably appropriate in the sense of like it wasn't like something dropped off a baby right right some mystical force, but it was. Yeah, it was really weird I think about later in life and then found the book one day.
Speaker 1:I was I honestly don't. Yeah, I don't remember having any type of sex talks no with my parents because, like they agreed to, like when I was in grade five or whatever and you could sign up whatever and they were, I was one of the people that they were like yeah talk to my kid about.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, grade five and grade six, both years we went there and all that stuff and they were just like yeah, you do that kind of thing right and in a way, it makes sense. I mean, I still think, like I hope that I can have a open dialogue with my kid, but also at the same time, sometimes an expert is maybe the best person to talk about public educators, I think, are pretty good with that today and I think you know they are.
Speaker 3:They have some people don't like it, I know, yeah, I know they don't like, that't like that they're being taught in schools and blah blah, blah blah.
Speaker 2:But it's just.
Speaker 3:I don't know, guys. It's hard because there's so many layers to it, but when you're teaching the masses, I even have to do this. When you're teaching the masses, you can't bring your opinions into it. You really just have to stick with some facts right and. I think that's the safest. Do anything right when it comes to children. Yeah, they, they listen and they hear. We want to. We want to cultivate um an environment of like acceptance in these young kids, because they're growing up in a world that we didn't grow up in.
Speaker 3:We they're growing up in a world where you know, everybody is kind of amalgamated and together and everybody's talking about everybody and their sexualities are talking about everything, and we need to have kids who have compassion and that are able to push through the peer pressure of the making fun of. That's what I think. The kids just need to be strong in their boundaries when it comes to being kind.
Speaker 2:That's what I want, kids to learn.
Speaker 3:I don't care what that person is doing, I don't care who they're sleeping with. I don't care what they think they like. I don't care what that person is doing, I don't care who they're sleeping with. I don't care what they think they like. I don't care what they know they love. I don't care about any of the story, but my kid is in a situation where there's either a making fun of or tormenting, or a stand up for being ally or bring that those people away and protect. That's what I want my kids to be Just protect.
Speaker 3:You don't have to say a word. If you're scared, I get it. Everybody's kids, there's going to be a thing. But don't participate and pull those people away. If your friends are about to say something really rude to somebody at school, just be like guys, come on, let's go over here, let's go do something else. Kind of try to protect that the person who needs that space for themselves.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they're probably already going through enough for some reason. And I also kind of like I don't know, because there's so much stuff that goes on and like you see this stuff online and that's people like don't teach my kids this and do teach my kids that or whatever, whatever, whatever. I kind of I dance a little bit of a line because on one hand, now being 39, almost 40, I sit there and when I see a 14 year old, I think little kid right but, when I was 14 I didn't think I was a little kid.
Speaker 1:No, you didn't, and I think some people forget what it's like to be 14, and I know, when I was a 14 year old boy, I can tell you the only thing that I thought about, yeah, was pretty much sports and boobs. Yeah, that's it. And do people forget? Like I think people forget about that. So when you're 14 years old and you know, this is what's on your mind all the time, like girls are on your mind or you know what, whoever, you're attracted to, for me natural, yes, exactly, you're coming into your erotic self so this is like the biggest thing that's on people's minds half the time as a teenager, and I think people forget about that.
Speaker 1:You're going to ask questions and now they're like, oh, they shouldn't talk about low jobs in schools and it's like, but that's what a 14-year-old boy wants, right? So we have to talk about it or something bad could happen, right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, exactly. So I mean I remember getting that same talk, probably that you got a little bit earlier. I mean I remember getting that same talk, probably that you got a little bit earlier. But I say not earlier, I'm just 10 years older than you, so it's just you know, however, however, that would have changed within those 10 years. But we got a little book and we got the thing and we talked about, you know, oral sex right.
Speaker 3:So maybe we didn't call it blowjobs and maybe it was cunnilingus and like it was all of the stuff you had to use.
Speaker 1:That sounds like a metal band.
Speaker 3:Right, I know you had to use all the right terms and that was fine. But we did have those conversations and I'm not going to lie. I don't think that we need to, in school, be talking about the nitty gritty of what pleasure is, but how it works and what's going on. I also think that I know that it's not in the budget, but if anybody's listening out there, you should really hire a sex educator, a professional, to come in and have these conversations We've been trained to do this.
Speaker 3:We've been trained to talk to a variety of kids and we're not bringing our own opinions into it.
Speaker 2:Right, I teach consent and teach limitations, and teach all this stuff that can help people yeah, exactly, and help people understand the do's and don'ts.
Speaker 3:So we're not sitting there with our own biases. Yeah, kind of kind of, or or or nervousness. I mean, come on, if I was just a normal person and I you know. Even you, you said that you were nervous having this conversation today you know, because, like, we're not used to having these conversations. So then now you put on top of a teacher who has a ridiculous curriculum with like 40 kids and some of them are not listening.
Speaker 3:They've got all this stuff and now they've got to talk about the most taboo topic that maybe they've never even had to talk about and they've got to curate it to 40 different people who are going to go home, to 40 different sets of parents who have 40 different views and opinions on how that should have been taught. Like talk about the stress and anxiety. Put me in front of that class and parents can come at me all you like, because that's what I'm trained to do. That's my job.
Speaker 1:So don't teach algebra and sex ed at the same time. So don't teach algebra and sex ed at the same time.
Speaker 2:We've got to get to the 10 questions. Guys, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3:Let's do it.
Speaker 2:We filled that hour really quick. That's unbelievable.
Speaker 3:I can talk, and talk, and talk, no, no, but that's great, it's an interesting topic.
Speaker 1:I think people should talk about it more. I had a couple more topics.
Speaker 2:There's one thing I did want to ask you desire. I mean, you know, folks listening to the show might be on their second relationship. Yeah, uh, they might have recently experienced menopause. Yeah, um, you know, that's a big one. Yes, sex can totally change after that yeah so if you have a little bit.
Speaker 2:I know I don't want we only maybe have a couple minutes here, but just a little bit of what maybe. Where do folks go for assistance in those things if they lose this sexual desire through menopause or after divorce or those ugly situations that life throws at you?
Speaker 3:Yeah, they throw at you and it really can halt all of the desire that you have in there. You question who you are. The first thing that I want to say to anybody who has any sort of feeling of oh my God, what happened to me, what's wrong with me, is that you're not broken. That's the first thing I want everybody to know. If you're going through menopause, this is a normal stage of life and you are going to go through it and it's going to feel different, but there's lots of ways that we can get things to kind of work for you. If you're, if you've, if you're on your second relationship hopefully if you're in your second, really, you know, hopefully but sometimes it isn't, and sometimes you're questioning.
Speaker 3:You know, my body doesn't work the same way that it used to, especially when it comes.
Speaker 3:I mean not especially, but like men. For example, we talk a lot about women in menopause, but men go through their own stage and change of life when they hit, you know, 35, 40, 45, depending on what that is. And if your body's not working the way it did when you were a 20 year old stud and now all of a sudden you can't go for 45 minutes, and you know, or an hour and you can't get them up in that position anymore, that doesn't has no effect on who you are or what you are as a lover. We need to have sexual intelligence and all that means is that we need to grow and change within our sexuality and within our desire and our knowledge of what our bodies are capable of and the pleasure that we want to find. There are going to be some people in their second stage of life who are not going to be goal-oriented and orgasm. They're only going to be oriented to the goal of connection I want to make out with you for 45 minutes.
Speaker 3:I just want to kiss your face, I want to rub your back, I want to like touch your thighs, like whatever. That is because maybe there's other ways of pleasure that are just not working anymore. So we, we just sit back and ask yourself, like not ask yourself, tell yourself'm not broken. And if there is something that you want to have a conversation about, reach out to a professional at SerenaGamescom.
Speaker 2:There you go and you have a podcast, you do.
Speaker 3:And I have a podcast called Intimacy Unlocked.
Speaker 2:And you're doing a TED Talk.
Speaker 3:And I'm doing a TED Talk on August 9th.
Speaker 2:Congratulations. Is that here in?
Speaker 3:Halifax, it is yeah Down at the Lighthouse Art Center and my topic is sexual wellness is a missing puzzle piece in your overall mental health and wellness.
Speaker 2:Love it.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That? I will please let us. Is that going to be on YouTube and stuff? It will be, it will be broadcast, I believe live.
Speaker 3:And there's also 100 tickets that are being sold to the show. Please send it to us once it gets out, or maybe we can get to the show.
Speaker 2:Please send it to us once it gets out, or maybe we can get to the show or something. Now, we'll figure it out.
Speaker 3:When's that again? August 9th? I don't think I'll be in. Yeah, it's a Saturday. I might be in Cape Breton, that's all, if I'm not, we'll figure it out. You'll find it. I'll send it to you.
Speaker 1:Awesome, thank. Sexual health these are all over the place questions. Just a little bit of fun we like to have at the end of the show. All right you want me to kick it off? Sure buddy, all right, I'll kick it off. I'm going to kick it off with a funny one, okay, so what food is the most sexual?
Speaker 3:to you. Oh, um. You know, right off the bat I wanted to say oysters, but but they're not really um, charcuterie. I know that sounds weird, but I love a little pick. If I was to go on a date with a man or if I was to be in some sort of erotic space with a man and we were having a meal and he picked this beautiful little plate of pickies, I would be like God damn, okay, yeah, that's what I love the most.
Speaker 1:I mean that checks out.
Speaker 3:You certainly don't want to eat a burger and fries. You're pretty heavy after that. So yeah, exactly little picky foods.
Speaker 1:You can have a little bit of everything. Maybe share a little bit. Yeah, I also would have accepted banana or hot dog. There you go all right.
Speaker 2:Question number two okay, if you could have a beer and unfil and an unfiltered sex chat with any famous historical figure, who would it be and why?
Speaker 3:oh, um, I think it would probably be like jim morrison jim oh wow, okay, there you go, yeah, and just like sit and be, like tell me all about it like tell me all about what that was like back in the day, because you know that that was a fun time, yeah and it probably had nothing to do with, like all the sexes, but I just feel like those conversations with him would be a little bit deeper and also really crass yes, be fun.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there you go over to you man all right, um all right.
Speaker 1:This is an either or question sex on the beach or sex in a car.
Speaker 3:In a car. The beach is really fucking sandy and sand gets into places, not that I know, but I know.
Speaker 2:You don't want to do that.
Speaker 3:Don't do that. Do it in a car.
Speaker 1:Okay, it's like the symptoms of marriage. Homer's like all right, sand's everywhere.
Speaker 3:I know.
Speaker 2:Let's go home. It's terrible. Okay, worst movie you had to sit through in recent memory. This could come from any facet of life. For whatever reason you had to watch a movie could be over the last year set you have you sat through a movie or a show? Or did you go to the theater see something? Was a dud, anything like that?
Speaker 3:well, yeah, but it's not going to be super fun. It was kung fu panda 2 and I'll never forget it because I fell asleep in the theater and it was so dark and my kids were there and one of my kids got up and left the theater. And I have three of them and they were really young at the time and one of them was like mommy, wake up anyway. So I mean, it's not like a super funny one, but I'll never, forget that day. I was like what am I watching?
Speaker 1:all right, then sorry jack black.
Speaker 3:I mean, I love Jack Black, but that movie was the pits, Just not your show.
Speaker 1:No, Question number five Okay, do you think it's impossible to outgrow your own story without losing your identity?
Speaker 3:Do I think it's say that one more time?
Speaker 1:Do you think it's impossible to outgrow your own story without losing your identity?
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 1:That's a deeper one.
Speaker 3:It is a deeper one, and I think that you're supposed to lose your identity when you outgrow your story and you're supposed to create a new identity for yourself. So we don't we shouldn't be the same people that we were 10, 15, even sometimes five years ago, and if you are creating a new story, then that identity is just a label that you've given yourself from all the patterns that you've gone through your whole life, and you're actually allowed to just dissolve that identity and create a new one for yourself if you want.
Speaker 2:Love it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's good Number six, ten out of ten answer.
Speaker 3:That's what I think.
Speaker 2:Describe your perfect breakfast.
Speaker 3:A coffee followed by a bacon crispy bacon on bread with ketchup Ketchup.
Speaker 2:Sandwich.
Speaker 3:You lost me at ketchup, but the rest sounds good, yeah, crispy bacon, not toast, just bread and ketchup. So it's soggy and you smash it together, so the bread is really, really thin and then you eat it.
Speaker 2:My grandfather liked ketchup toast oh my God, it's my favorite. And he's the only person I know I'm from.
Speaker 3:Newfoundland Homemade bread you toast oh my god, it's my favorite. He's the only person I knew I'm from Newfoundland. You don't make bologna sandwiches, though With ketchup Ew what.
Speaker 1:Bologna sandwich with ketchup you dip it in ketchup?
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, that too Fried bologna. Yeah, we did that one too. I was homemade bread and butter with ketchup.
Speaker 2:I'm just not a big ketchup person. Anyway, fair enough, alright.
Speaker 1:so question number seven what are the first steps that someone should take if they feel the romance in their relationship is dead or dying?
Speaker 3:Ask yourself who you are today, what you're trying to, whether you're trying to get something back or whether you're willing to recreate something new. I think that's the first thing, and then the second thing would be to go to that partner and just say how are you feeling about things? Because we're not an island when we're in a relationship.
Speaker 3:So it takes two to tango. So you kind of have to go to your partner then and say what are you missing, what do you need? Or how have you changed? Because we continue to try to be who we were, but we change so much, and that's that intelligence I was talking about. You need to be able to roll with that and go. What did I lose, and not in a bad way, but what have I left behind and who am I now? And sometimes I think Jim Carrey actually once said that like depression is your avatar just telling you that you're just done with this identity. And sometimes in our relationships we need to look at that and say you know what? I think maybe this depression that I'm feeling in my relationship is just my avatar saying you know what I'm done here and I need to recreate something.
Speaker 1:Question number eight over to you.
Speaker 2:Number eight. Okay, thanks for keeping track of the numbers. Okay, we already answered that one, so I'm going to go back to this one. If creation was an act of divine self-expression, what do you think the creator would be trying to understand or experience through us as human beings? Another deep one.
Speaker 3:Just the passage of time. Just the passage of time filled with joy.
Speaker 3:I just yeah, I think that the I actually love that question and I think about it quite a bit, like the meaning of life and who we are, and how we're all fragmented pieces of consciousness, just kind of living our lives in different little skin sacks, but we're all really part of the same overall source, consciousness, and I really think that the the biggest ingredient in that is understanding that the passage of time, finding joy in the passage of time, is the whole point, because why else would we be here?
Speaker 3:because we're not going anywhere else afterwards and I mean we are but we're not and there's really, you know, that creation that we have is just the creation of joy and passion in our lives okay, love it.
Speaker 1:Question number nine over to me. So, um, what ways would you help someone open up communication into kinks? So if someone has a kink and they want to talk to their partner, what's the best way? This?
Speaker 3:is a short question that you asked me at the very end of this.
Speaker 1:Okay, sorry, ask me one more time so yeah, what is a what, what ways? Yeah would you help someone with communication in terms of opening up kinks? Okay, okay.
Speaker 3:So, first of all, to redefine what that means for you and what the shame was around it. Because if you're having a hard time talking about it, it means there's some sort of shame. If it's a personal thing that you just want to explore on your own, that's a little bit easier. When we're doing it in relationship, it's harder because we have to deal with other people's patterns and their scripts as well. Right, so we need to take it, take it slow, but to define what it is that you want.
Speaker 3:And then I always like to say whatever it is that you came to me that you want to be able to do, I want us to take a step backwards and do a lower version of that, a slower version of that, first. So somebody might come to me and say something like you know what I really want to be? Um, I really want to be dominant and I want to, like, I want to spank my partner and I go okay, cool, so let's. Let's take that back just a notch for a second. And let me ask you have you ever taken control in the bedroom? Have you ever just said you know, turn over on your knees. You know, do this. How do you feel about that and how does your partner respond to you so slowly, with a lot of communication, a lot of knowledge, because kink is such a big topic?
Speaker 3:and the stupid 50 shades of gray has caused so much trouble and problems and bruises where they shouldn't be and I don't like that. But I'm a really big proponent of kink and I love that. I think that everybody in the world is really kinky.
Speaker 1:All right. Last question, the one that we ask everybody.
Speaker 2:Everybody gets this question what's one piece of advice you were given in your lifetime that you want, that, like you'd just love to share with others, like you could be given at any point in life, recently or years past? Just kind of held on to it, just piece of advice you like to roll with?
Speaker 3:yeah, um. Well, it's. It's kind of recent, but I think it might have gone back into my earlier days as well, but it's um, that your authenticity is more important than any standard that anybody could place on you ever. So you know, they say that love is the highest frequency, but it isn't, it's authenticity. So we've measured frequency in our bodies and the way that that feels, and it's not necessarily quote being kind and loving people, but it's being your authentic self. And if you are your authentic self, then nothing but good can happen, because the world is always conspiring to give you exactly what you need when you're in your authentic frequency with that, I would say cheers to authenticity cheers and to you, serena, you're an awesome guest.
Speaker 3:We learned a ton and uh, we still have a little plastic vagina sitting on our table.
Speaker 1:That that's a first.
Speaker 2:It's a vulva. Oh vulva. Sorry, thank you, that's right, but I had a great time. So thank you very much and you're welcome to come back on anytime.
Speaker 3:Thank you for having me. Good luck on the TED Talk.
Speaker 2:Yeah, cheers, thank you.
