Afternoon Pint Christmas Special - A Christmas Carol Reimagined, Music Stories and More!

For this years Holiday Special, The Afternoon Pint presents a radio-play reimagining of A Christmas Carol —written in-house and brought to life with the help of the three 48 Hour Film Festival winners known collectively as Shwing Entertainment. Mike turns his crankiness up to 11 for Scrooge while Matt works his improvisational muscle by preforming as all of the ghosts.

We then have some addtional stories from the AP content creator team.  

Laura Flemming, shares the beautifully strange and haunting original Christmas tale about a mysterious abandoned home that has a soul called  “The Foggy House.”

Don't Over Think It Chip  then tells a story about wishing for the impossible —The Toronto Maple Leafs winning the  Stanley Cup.

And just when you think it couldn’t get any wilder, we wrap things up with a brand-new original song, “Sex, Drugs, and Christmas Time,” performed by the incredible Christina Martin - 

This may be our wildest Christmas Special to date. Thank you to all the folks that helped us out with this one, and to our sponsor, Kimia Nejat of Exit Reality, who has supported our show since day 1. Happy Holidays from the Afternoon Pint! and please share this episode. 

Chapters

• 0:16 An 'Afternoon Pint,' Christmas Carol - Performed By Lewis Coverdale, Mike Tobin, Elijah Boulton, Matt Conrad, Connor Locke, Laura Flemming
• 17:25 The Foggy House - Told by Laura Flemming
• 22:13 The Miracle Bet - Told By Chip with Don't OverThink It
• 24:15 Christina Martin - Intro and new song - Sex, Drugs, and Christmas Time

Transcript

SPEAKER_13: 0:28

Good evening, dear listeners, and welcome to our live radio podcast presentation of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. This year, due to budget restraints, it will be performed by two pub-loving podcasters who probably aren't suited for this and absolutely should have rehearsed more. Featuring appearances from film director Elijah Bolton, actor and swordsman Connor Locke, content creator Laura Fleming, and stereotypically sounding narration provided by me, Lewis Coverdale. Remember, don't be a Scrooge this holiday season. Donate to your local food bank. And if you donate, let the Afternoon Pint podcast know, and they'll send you a very special thank you gift.

SPEAKER_15: 1:17

Thank you, Connor. I'll be portraying Scrooge McDuck. Uh no. Just Scrooge. As in Ebenezer Scrooge. Right, and you'll be the ghosts. Yeah, I will be ghosts. All of the ghosts. Wish me luck.

SPEAKER_13: 1:34

Let's begin. Not too long ago, on Christmas Eve, Ebenezer Scrooge relaxed to the soothing sounds of his money counter while counting the day's profits. He could have cared less about the holiday season or for others in general. It was a cold and windy evening. Conditions Scrooge felt were perfect for keeping people away from bothering him. He grunted as soon as he heard a knock at the door.

SPEAKER_03: 2:17

They're probably thinking, hey, let's go outside to sing to the people who can actually afford to heat their homes. Like I want to open the door and freeze my house out for a bunch of sniffling carolers. Snap-nosed mouth breathers. For the love of God, who is it this time?

SPEAKER_02: 2:34

Hey, boss.

SPEAKER_05: 2:36

Davy Crockett, how may I help you? It's Bob. Bob Crutchett. Your clerksman. I stayed late to get everything in order, as you asked. Okay, Bob. You're telling me because I'd like to go home now.

unknown: 2:48

Huh?

SPEAKER_05: 2:49

Very well. Off you go then. Also, I need my week's pay? Your week's pay? Yeah. Christmas is tomorrow.

SPEAKER_02: 2:59

No. Payday is tomorrow and it's a holiday, meaning I don't have to pay you until the 26th. I can come by tomorrow. No need, Bob. We're close tomorrow. Off you go. Okay, then. Merry Christmas. Good night, Bob. People are so needy this time of year.

SPEAKER_13: 3:22

And with that, Scrooge went down for what he hoped would be a truly silent night. Little did he know the spirits wanted to send him a special message this Christmas, one that would hopefully resonate. Not long into his slumber, he was awakened by a familiar face. A business partner he once had, not too long ago.

SPEAKER_03: 3:46

Who's there?

SPEAKER_15: 3:50

It is I, Jacob Marley, your business partner.

SPEAKER_03: 3:55

Ah, yeah, uh Jacob. Marley.

SPEAKER_15: 3:59

No, Marley.

SPEAKER_03: 4:01

Like Bob Marley?

SPEAKER_15: 4:03

No relation. Mon tonight you will be visited by three ghosts from the past, present, and the future.

SPEAKER_03: 4:12

Three ghosts? Nah, humbug. Bob. Time is money. I'll speak with two ghosts, Max.

SPEAKER_15: 4:19

They're dead. They don't care about money or your contrarian ways, Scrooge. You will speak with three. You will best listen carefully. You're a horrendously greedy, morally corrupt, careless businessman, and you do not want to end up like me.

SPEAKER_03: 4:38

End up like you? You died choking on a turkey sandwich, moron. I chew my food, and I keep my mouth closed when I'm eating. Life tip.

SPEAKER_15: 4:47

On my deathbed, you signed over my shares of our company to yourself. My family now starves without money.

SPEAKER_03: 4:56

Consider that Darwinism at its finest, Marley. Your family will develop character or they will perish. This is not a concern of mine.

SPEAKER_15: 5:05

You will change your ways, Scrooge, or your soul will pay the price.

SPEAKER_03: 5:10

Oh, will I? Is Ghost of Rus gonna put me out of business? I think not. Off you go.

SPEAKER_15: 5:16

Ha. Wait and see, Mon. Wait and see.

SPEAKER_03: 5:25

I need to get back to sleep. Where's my melatonin?

SPEAKER_13: 5:29

Not long after Jacob Marley vanished, Scrooge fell back to sleep before the first of the three spirits arrived.

SPEAKER_03: 5:46

You look just like the last guy. Silence! Behold your childhood! Look! It's me as a boy, alone at school, with no friends. That's the janitor Scrooge.

SPEAKER_14: 6:09

Look over there to the right.

SPEAKER_03: 6:12

Wait! Is that me over there? Am I happy? Or those other little simpletons hanging around me?

SPEAKER_14: 6:21

Those were your friends. You once had many. You were light and popular. You enjoyed singing and making people laugh.

SPEAKER_13: 6:32

Scrooge's heart softened slightly, possibly a side effect of the melatonin.

SPEAKER_03: 6:39

Wow, yeah, I guess uh I don't remember that. I only I only remember being lonely.

SPEAKER_14: 6:45

Oh. Then you must have been referring to the girl you first fell in love with, Susie Lu. You brought her flowers and chocolate on one Christmas Eve. But she wasn't interested. She was a career woman, even in the fifth grade, and she broke your heart. Oh, so because Cindy Lou Who rejected me, I turned into an A-hole. Susie Lu rejected you. Cindy Lou Who is from the entire different story. But yes, that rejection early in the life was one of the main reasons that you became a class Aw.

SPEAKER_03: 7:23

Okay, wow. So never thought of that. So you're telling me if I rekindle my love with Mindy Hulu, I'll be a happier person. Are you going to introduce us?

SPEAKER_14: 7:32

No. That is not what I'm saying. Forget the girl, focus on the laughter, the playing the sing. This is a wonderful side of you that you now hide deeply and despise in others.

SPEAKER_03: 7:44

Do you know if this Hulu girl is married, or better yet, widowed?

SPEAKER_14: 7:48

God, Marley was right. You're fing terrible. How in the f are we supposed to change your fing attitude? This is a waste of time. Fuck this, I'm out.

SPEAKER_03: 7:59

Okay, whatever, same as the last ghost. Like you couldn't have sounded more like the last ghost. Great acting! This is like the Timu of Christmas carols.

SPEAKER_13: 8:08

Scrooge was confused by the first visit, especially since he didn't get what he wanted. Weary and cantankerous, he took a few more melatonin and fell asleep, soon to be awakened by spirit number two. Uh ho ho ho.

SPEAKER_03: 8:26

I'm the ghost of Christmas present. Oh, are you now? Yes, ho ho. You sound like a bad mall store Santa. No, ho ho! But I guess I'm a variation. I'm pure and jovial spirit, all about giving and generosity. Too bad you didn't slow ho down on the cookies, Muffin Top. Thank you, wonderful insult.

SPEAKER_15: 8:49

Now I'm opening a mystical portal so you can gaze upon a kind little family. Remember the other day when you denied your clerk Bob Cradchit his pay? Well, since he couldn't get his money, he was owed, his son Tiny Tim is paying the price. Have a look through this portal so you can see how the lack of giving can cause great pain.

SPEAKER_05: 9:19

His cough is worsening.

SPEAKER_09: 9:21

Well, if we had the money thanks to Scrooge not coming through with your paycheck, we could afford medicine. Not to mention how terrible this damn liberal government is at finding us a good doctor.

SPEAKER_04: 9:31

Liberal government? It was the conservatives who made it all private. Have you seen the insurance premiums in the US? We gotta even afford$40 medicine. We'd be bank dropped over Timmy's crutches.

SPEAKER_15: 9:41

Um, skipping the political stuff a little bit.

SPEAKER_09: 9:47

Anyway, the politics don't matter, and neither one of us fact-checked. All I want for Christmas is for Timmy to get healthy.

SPEAKER_03: 9:58

Oh, Peggy. Okay, this is just like two parents overreacting about a common cold.

SPEAKER_15: 10:04

I think what you need, Scrooge, is patience with a character development. This is a chronically ill boy. Bob, Peggy, can you help me out embellish a little bit?

SPEAKER_09: 10:15

Got it, ghost. Tim, we love you so very much. You are the brightest light we have ever received in this world. Try a little of my tea, it might help your pop.

SPEAKER_07: 10:29

I'm sorry, son. I'm sorry I failed you, and I promise I'll do my best to get us more money.

SPEAKER_06: 10:35

I will leave that bastard Scrooge the moment I get the final check, and I will find a better employer. I hear Afternoon Pint Media has connected recruitment. And if I email them at afternoonpintia at mail.com.

SPEAKER_09: 10:47

You're advertising again, Bob. Sorry, baby. You're not a failure, Dad. My god, another speaking role.

SPEAKER_07: 10:59

Where'd they find the budget for this?

SPEAKER_12: 11:02

You're anything but a failure, Dad. Every day you go out there and do your best. For me. For us. Sometimes we lose, but we forget the many powerful ways. We truly win by showing kindness, by admitting failure, by trying again and inspiring others to believe in themselves. We must stop focusing on the things that divide us and spend our energy on becoming collectively stronger. Damn. It's Christmas, and I love this time with my family more than anything. Damn, impressive speech, boy.

SPEAKER_15: 12:00

Okay, team. Great work. Thank you kindly. Congratulations, family. Gotta fast forward again now.

SPEAKER_02: 12:24

What's this?

SPEAKER_03: 12:29

A funeral? Wait. Is that Tim? No. No, I mean, gee! I I would have hired that kid. Take me back! That's enough! Take me back!

SPEAKER_13: 12:44

Now Scrooge's confusion was now heightened with fear and sadness for the loss of Tiny Tim. He felt genuine sorrow for Bob and Peggy, and was now fully conflicted about conservative and liberal politics. Before he could process the nightmare, he was confronted by the third and final spirit.

SPEAKER_03: 13:16

Wait! You're not talking!

SPEAKER_15: 13:21

Um I'm the silent ghost.

SPEAKER_03: 13:26

That's not gonna translate well on an audio-only podcast. Say something.

SPEAKER_14: 13:32

Uh people I am future ghost.

SPEAKER_13: 13:35

Future said you die. Scrooge is shown a grave with his name upon it. The engraving reads, Here lies Scrooge, a forgotten monster. Accurate. Quiet now, quiet ghost. Everything flashed before Scrooge's eyes, his childhood, his loneliness, the people his greedy decisions affected, his legacy. The ghost of the future spoke once more. You will be replaced by AI.

SPEAKER_03: 14:19

I'm alive! The ghost has spared me.

SPEAKER_13: 14:23

I know what I must do. Scrooge barely gets on his overcoat and top hat before running out into the bright, blustery, holiday-decorated town. Over his shoulder is a giant sack filled with cash. He greets villagers, many of whom are meeting him for the very first time, handing out wands of money.

SPEAKER_03: 14:43

Hello there, beautiful! Merry Christmas!

SPEAKER_04: 14:47

Um, thanks.

SPEAKER_03: 14:49

Hey there, Cat Lady, how you doing? Merry Christmas! Um, this is my son. Hey, guy who looks like all the ghosts I saw last night.

SPEAKER_13: 14:58

Merry Christmas! Thanks, sir. Merry Christmas to you two. And so Ebenezer Scrooge became a new man. Generous, kind, and still slightly confused with names. Bob Crotchet.

SPEAKER_03: 15:54

Here is your payment, along with your Christmas bonus. Oh, and good work this year. By the way, your raise will start after your one-week paid vacation. Effective immediately.

SPEAKER_09: 16:04

One week after seven years? Well, it's a start.

SPEAKER_03: 16:55

Now, where is that brilliant little son of yours, Timmy? Who the f is this guy?

SPEAKER_13: 17:02

Scrooge went on to find his old business partner's family, and he re-signed a deal giving them 50% of the profits. Provided they each gave some of their earnings to the less fortunate. Scrooge himself continued to give most of his earnings to others until passing away at the ripe age of 93. His tombstone read, Here Lies Scrooge. Not such a bad guy, but took a supernatural amount of effort to see things clearly.

SPEAKER_15: 17:36

You've been listening to a Christmas Carol with the Afternoon Pine. Thank you to the team at Swing Entertainment, Laura Fleming, our AP Media Team, and all you wonderful listeners. Well, I think that's a wrap, man. Yeah, man. Merry Christmas, buddy.

SPEAKER_09: 17:50

Wait, I have something.

SPEAKER_15: 17:53

Okay, yeah, sure.

SPEAKER_09: 17:55

Great job on the special, by the way. You really went overboard on my lines. I love being a one-dimensional conservative housewife.

SPEAKER_03: 18:03

Okay, easy now. We just revised the Christmas carol. Peggy wasn't even in the original script.

SPEAKER_09: 18:08

All good. Respect to the housewives. Anyway, here's my story about Christmas. Every Christmas Eve, I used to visit a little house in the small town where I grew up on Shepherd's Point Road. It was a bent little house, white paint peeling, windows fogged from the inside, almost like it was steaming from the inside out. I was told that nobody had lived there for years. The house used to frighten me because it was always dark. The only house on the street without Christmas lights. There was an old lady who lived across the street. I used to ask her questions nonstop as a kid. Do you know who lived there? Do you think there are ghosts? Do you think it would be okay to break open the front door or a window? Can I go in there? The old lady insisted the house itself was alive, and damaging it might cause it pain. She said the windows were fogged because the house was sad and missed people, and if I ever went inside, it might try to trap me. She told me that when I was only eight years old, it petrified me. One day, I went by to see her to ask if anything new had happened with the home. When I couldn't find her, I knocked on her door. Her husband, a stern man with a sad face, told me the tragic news. The old lady had died. I was only nine. Her husband was too frightening to approach with more questions, so I rarely visited that street again, except near Christmas. Every Christmas Eve, I'd leave a little gift on the front porch of the house. Something small. Some knitted mittens, a pole of pine cones with glitter and holly. Once I left a cassette tape of my favorite Christmas songs, because I was sure the sad house would enjoy it, even though I didn't really understand how buildings would listen to music. As I got older, the tradition became less magical and more necessary. A place to leave the parts of Christmas that were too heavy for me to carry. At 16, my best friend moved away, so I left a photo of us. At 19, when my parents separated, I left a note that just said, please fix this. At 23, when my brother moved across the country and barely called anymore, I left his old Blue Jays hat. Every year the house stood there, cold and patient, holding my sadness for me. Last Christmas, I hadn't planned to go. I felt too tired, stretched too thin, too adulthood-ish. The kind of holiday where you can't tell if you're busy or just lonely and overwhelmed with errands and things to do. But something nudged at me. The old ache of the place. So I bundled up and walked the icy road I knew by heart. When I got there, something was different. For the first time in 20 years, the front door was cracked open. The wind pushed it wider, and inside the little room glowed with a soft amber light. So I stepped closer, heart thudding, and I saw something I'll never forget. All the gifts I had ever left, the mittens, the pine cone bowl, the photo, the note, the hat, they were all arranged on a small wooden table, carefully and thoughtfully. It was as if someone had been keeping them safe all these years. I stood there in the doorway, swallowed by that warm light, and felt that heavy feeling you get right before the cry you've avoided for months. Who had Done this and why? How long had they been watching? Did the house miss me too? I don't know how long I stood there, letting every Christmas that I've lived settle over me like falling snow. Long enough that the cold didn't matter, long enough that the silence felt like a hug. And then I finally whispered, thank you. In that moment, I felt the universe align into a single, tender truth. Like somehow the pain we both carried had been shared into one unbreakable bond. And then I heard a soft, raspy voice whisper back. Oh no! Not you! I couldn't believe it. That old bitch from across the street was still alive. She had her husband lie to me as a kid because she thought I was annoying. Eventually, she found him annoying and she moved into the foggy house by herself. That cantankerous old bat didn't put up Christmas lights once. The end.

SPEAKER_08: 23:07

Hope everyone's having an unreal holiday. Big shout out to the Afternoon Pine media team for managing my content, creator, career, even as they produce questionable Christmas specials. If your business needs support, big or small, hit up Afternoon Pine and learn more about our reputation for boosting foot traffic with curated storytelling for your business. Alright, here's a little Christmas story for you all. Merry Christmas for me, Becca, and my doggo Tucker. Every year, Tommy Two Ticket made one absolutely ridiculous sports bet because he swore the universe owed him one miracle a year. Just one. A coupon for destiny. This year he threw all his faith into the Jays winning the World Series. And for a second there, he thought the miracle was miracling until Game 7 said, absolutely not, buddy. By Christmas Eve, Tommy's miracle tank was running on fumes, so he went to the nuclear option. He was for the Toronto Maple East to win the Stanley Cup. Tommy tucked himself in, fully believing Santa was gonna pull some strings. But just when he drifted off, BAM! He's woken up by none other than Santa Claus. Big red unit himself. Tommy jumps out of bed like, Oh my goodness! You're real, he yells. Santa's like, oh, I get real when the stakes are high, bud. So, your Christmas wish. Tron winning the Stanley Cup. You sure you wouldn't settle for the Raptors? No. Blue Jays in 2026? No. Are you maybe a rugby guy? No. Well, here's the thing, he says. Some miracles are not just possible. Here, take a new PS5 and that Apple Watch you wanted. And one more thing. Santa unbuttons his big red coat. Whoa! Santa, listen, I'm not that kind of little helper. Relax, Santa says. I'm just showing you my jersey. Inside is a giant glowing red sea. Happ's all the way, loser! Santa chirps before sparkling away into the night. And that night, Tommy finally understood. The universe does work in mysterious ways. Just never in the least fans' favor. The end.

SPEAKER_00: 25:09

Good afternoon, pine listeners. This is Christina Martin, and I'm so thrilled that somebody wants to play uh my new holiday single, Sex, Drugs, and Christmas time. And there are other holiday singles in my uh catalog, and lots of other music, non-holiday music. Uh, you can find my music on Bandcamp, on my website, ChristinaMartin.net, and anywhere that you stream music, and of course, YouTube. Uh happy holidays to everybody listening, and uh wishing you all an excellent and exciting new year.

SPEAKER_10: 25:45

It's a pretty sequin dress at your birthday and you have this. You know you want this, need this, baby tonight. With triple sack outfiscating rig, you feel restless, repless, baby tonight Sex, just Christmas time Sex, Jessica children away Sugar pump visions in baby heads while we parted, baby tonight You take your brothers in a spot tree Ginger bread, the only thing that's sweet Storm on Stoppers, Rockets, baby tonight Sex Jets, Christmas, Jets, we all face the back to the sunrise glow until it falls off the ball We're going down, so it's cool down high Light through the neighbors. Yeah, we're gonna blow Show, baby tonight You rock it, Titsu while you're on your knees We're getting lit like a Christmas tree on wrapping slowly, all it baby tonight, sexual.