Barnardo's Fostering & Adoption NI

Fostering at Christmas

• Barnardo's Fostering & Adoption NI

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Christmas may be 'the most wonderful time of the year' but we can all agree most families will face a few ups and downs during the festive season. But what might that look like if you're also fostering a child who might have very mixed feelings about the season?

In this episode we chat to our foster carer, Marcy, as she shares her personal story of getting her foster child through the holidays and sheds light on the importance of managing expectations, the importance of consistency and finding ways to allow children to process feelings and regulate themselves during the Christmas period. 

Join us as we explore the delicate balance between celebrating family traditions and catering to the emotional needs of foster children during this busy time of year.

Learn more about fostering and adoption with Barnardo’s:
https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/fostering-and-adoption

To learn more about fostering and adoption in NI, visit our Linktr.ee:
https://linktr.ee/barnardosfosteringni

To ask a question, give us some feedback or make a topic request, email us at:
BFANI@barnardos.org.uk

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Ness:

Welcome to the Barnardo's Fostering and Adoption Northern Ireland podcast. Each episode we will meet families and team members from right across our fostering and adoption services. We're aiming to get behind the scenes so we can learn more about what it's really like to foster or adopt. It's almost December and I'm sitting with Marcy, one of our foster carers here in Northern Ireland, to talk about Christmas. Hi Marcy, hi Ness, I know that you've been through Christmas with foster children and I wanted to ask you what your experiences were.

Marcy:

Well, I suppose we've had a number of sort of Christmases where children have had Christmas Eve contact, which is very, very difficult for carers to manage and even more difficult for the children to manage. And I suppose the first time we had a Christmas Eve contact it was a bit of a shock because we didn't know what to expect either and didn't... we had our own things that we were doing. You know, you have your own family traditions and so Christmas Eve is probably a bigger day in our house than Christmas Day to some extent. So for us that was all paused to go for a contact. And then we realised we had this huge boot full of toys and a quite hysterical little girl.

Ness:

Let me interject Marcie, just so I understand what's happened is you had a foster child, a little girl, staying with you. And for one reason or another, family time with her birth family was arranged on Christmas Eve and Christmas Eve can be quite obviously, quite important day for lots of people. Um, and then this wee girl came home with a bunch of presents, what from her family, her birth family, yes, we collected her from the contact and had this enormous bin liners of toys.

Marcy:

She didn't really want to go to contact but she did. Her loyalties were really split. She saw her siblings and then they were all split up to go to different places afterwards. So it was extremely emotional. And then you had all these toys and you're wondering what you're supposed to do with them on Christmas Eve because you've got all your own stuff and a busy house. So it was actually a wee bit of a shock to all of us and we weren't prepared that first year. We just were not prepared at all for what it was going to look like.

Ness:

After that first year of having Christmas Eve contact, what learning did you take forward? What learning did we?

Marcy:

take. Well, we thought we'd taken an awful lot of learning and um, and, and that little girl then the following Christmas was, was adopted by the time the following Christmas came, and and then we had, um, another child, and, and so I had done that. I swear we will never that a child, never put a child through a Christmas Eve contact again. But then you realize that's completely out of your hands. And so we were back to Christmas Eve contacts and I suppose, with this next child who's still with us. So either there was too many toys and you're trying to manage that, or there wasn't enough. So we had our own traditions and we tried to stick to those as much as possible and have a bit more it depends on the age of the child a wee bit more, try and keep the expectations a bit more manageable, because we didn't know if there was going to be too many toys or not enough, and so the child didn't know that either. So there was so much emotion around it. So what we did then is tried to sort of split. If there was too many, split them up a wee bit, because there's plenty of days after Christmas you know, Boxing Day, the day after, the day after and trying and give them out a little at a time, also to give the child a wee bit of space to actually enjoy it. And Boxing Day, then we then planned to be outside and out of the house and on bikes, on scooters, on a long walk in the beach, anything that was completely out of the house, to try and burn off a bit of the... there's so many emotions for children for us as well, but there's so many emotions for looked after children. Yes, their loyalties are split, also a reminder of where they aren't, so that can trigger a lot of traumatic memories as well. So actually I thought we found the best thing was to be outdoors and just stay outdoors. Then we, I would recommend now, because then we got a different social worker for the child and then things were entirely different, because I know our social worker kept saying you know, "this family has a Christmas too.

Marcy:

The next social worker thought about it entirely differently and she said no Christmas Eve contact. You know, the child's in a long-term placement. Contact was arranged for either the week before Christmas Well, actually it was arranged for the week before, which actually worked. It worked! It meant then that all the emotions had time and space to be worked through. It meant that the toys, because sometimes, yes, the child was really excited to open the toys but then hated the toys and wanted to break the toys because of all the stuff that it brought up. So it actually gave us loads of time to build stuff and let him kick it about and and then go. He was able to go back to it and play with it because it was a toy that he liked, as opposed to something that mum had given him that had brought up more trauma. And this child has a birthday at Christmas as well.

Marcy:

So contact has stopped, face-to-face contact, over the last few years. There's still huge expectations. "Will mum remember my birthday? Will mum give me anything at Christmas? Will my siblings remember me? You know that is all still up and still, with the best will in the world, mum wouldn't always be very organised. So quite often a social worker will come to the door on Christmas Eve with presents, and when that happens now, I just put them away and tell him that they're there. He's OK with that now. And then we start, you know, on we always have gifts on Boxing Day anyway, so he can open some on Boxing Day on the day after and take a bit more time about it. I used to feel really, really guilty. Um think I have to give these now.

Marcy:

ith then I realized what was the benefit, because if he was disappointed, um, it kind of ruined his Christmas Eve, all the stuff that we were doing, because he dwelled on the disappointment. And more often than not he was disappointed as opposed to overexcited. You know, mum might have got the age wrong on the birthday card, or if there was a birthday card, maybe things weren't wrapped. And then, you know, as they got a bit older and he knew the value of things, he'd be rolling his eyes going. You know "well, that only cost a couple of pound. So actually you know there was no need. There's no need to introduce all that on Christmas Eve, when Santa's coming and stick with your own traditions. And I suppose having everybody about, I suppose we have a lot of family here for Christmas Day and staying Christmas Eve it's more about that than the toys, and so after a couple of Christmases, the child is looking forward to our own things, the things that we do.

Ness:

How old is your foster child? He's now 11. He's now 11. Yes, he's in that tween age and, yes, he'd be more aware of what's going on. So I suppose that's what you're saying. Is, you know, you've created traditions that he's part of and you've offered consistency as well, yeah, whereas there's chaos around his birth family in terms of connection and how they show their affection towards him, yeah, and I suppose, yes, we all have to recognize that.

Marcy:

And I suppose, yes, we all have to recognise that children need a bit of, they need time, and there never seems to be time.

Marcy:

You know those few days before Christmas and I suppose it's marking what's the most important things in your family for Christmas and trying to stick to that. And recognize that it's really hard, but Santa's still coming and, um, you know the toys are going to be there the day after and the day after and the day after.

Marcy:

But I think, maybe for our own expectations, that not to expect a child to hold it together the whole of Christmas week and after Christmas day, that there is going to be fallout, and plan to manage that in a kind of fun way that you are distracting, that you've created a distraction, a tradition of distraction nearly to start with.

Marcy:

So you know we would take the dogs out or you know, get out on the bike or and not go visiting or have people calling in on Boxing Day, and we do all that on Christmas Eve and then with all the family on Christmas day. But try and keep Boxing Day that it's actually quite quiet and and there space to, I think if you're outside and moving about, I think it's too much to expect them then to hold it together on Boxing Day without a fight of some description or some destruction. That's our experience with two children that Boxing Day is the mess and we fill up the week Christmas week and then sometimes forget about it because we all want to go. "Oh, wouldn't it be lovely to sit in Boxing Day in your jammies and watch movies all day? And that's not going to happen, and so I think just to actually expect that and plan for it and takes an awful lot of stress out of it then.

Ness:

Yeah, so anticipating some kind of fallout, emotional or you know a little bit of fighting children, fighting Christmas time, pretty normal, but, yes, absolutely anticipating that time. But I really like what you have to say about also giving them space to process feelings which are probably quite complicated and quite conflicted. So just allowing them that space, and I think we could all benefit from maybe spreading out the gift, gift giving, over a few days rather than all in one morning yes, because it is too much overload.

Marcy:

It is overload, and you know what we all do it. You know you buy all the stuff and then we're all disgusted, as as adults, with the frenzy and you think, "well, I created this and so, you know, do a little less. So you, yeah, keep the presents that are under the tree for the next day and just do Santa and give them time. Give them time to be all children, give them time to play with things, build things and all the rest of it, but get away from it the next day.

Ness:

Yes, and I also like what you have to say about getting out and about, because there is something about physically being active which can certainly support and help our distress levels.

Marcy:

It can bring us back into our bodies, stop us ruminating, just physically being outdoors, in space, in your own body, is a very good space to be in when you're feeling a bit distressed. And I think for children that are unregulated and have difficulty regulating, it's the about not containing them, then going somewhere where they can be completely uncontained and without you know, without any risk obviously, but but you know that they, I know that our little boy, his body would be very, very busy and he has real difficulty regulating himself. So if he's recklessly on the grass on a bike or a scooter or running or in a park, there's nobody telling him off then for swinging off things, whereas if you're in the house and wanting to watch a movie, well, all you're going to do that day is is clash because he can't manage his body yeah, absolutely well.

Ness:

Look, I think that sounds like some really good tips for anyone who might be, uh, fostering children or just generally looking after children at Christmas time. I'm sure quite a few of those tips would translate to all kinds of families. Marcy, have you got anything else you'd like to add as a little tip over Christmas? I do think we covered it all.

Marcy:

Yeah, and I do think that the biggest deal is communicating with the child's social worker, that, um, that there is a balance, um, and that the and the benefit of the child is put to the fore. Um, as and I understand you know that, yes, there are lots of children who, who maybe will have contacts on Christmas week and and perhaps they're going, you know, working towards going back to their mums, and while you don't want so, you don't want to punish mum either. The benefit to the child to get them through those few days has to be that the contact is a little earlier.

Ness:

Yes, so I just need to clarify that. Actually, for people who might be listening who aren't familiar with the system, you will have a supervising social worker in our service who is your social worker, but the child who is placed also has a Trust social worker who is advocating for them at the other end and, of course, they might have a lot of children that they're they're advocating for and we will understand that we want to spend time with family at Christmas when we can and you know, sometimes it can seem like Christmas Eve is is a natural time to want to be with birth family, to be with their children, but equally, if a child is not with their birth family, it can be, as you say, quite an emotional weight on them at a time that is quite emotional anyway. Anyway, yeah, I can see that. Well, look, Marcy, it's lovely talking to you.

Marcy:

And you.

Ness:

I really like your tips and I hope they're useful to someone else as well, and I just beg now to wish you a happy Christmas. I do. I realise we're at the end of November, so you're my first happy Christmas.

Marcy:

Oh well, happy Christmas to you, and I hope Santa is very good to you.

Ness:

Likewise. Take care, Marcy. Thank you. Take care. Bye, bye, bye. Thanks for listening to this episode of Bernardo's Fostering and Adoption NI podcast. To learn more about fostering and adoption with us, search for Bernardo's online or find the link in our program description. We love to hear from you your thoughts, questions or future topic requests. To do so, you can contact us at bfani at bernardosorguk. You will find our email address also in the show notes.