In this episode, I describe two frameworks to use in any relationship and how to create a secure relationship to be your most expansive self.
Framework one is a commitment to closeness and framework two is co-creation.
I explain two different types of attachment in relationships which I created - lifeless and expansive - how I used to be a person with avoidant tendencies, the gap between where you are and where you want to be, and getting clear on the life you desire.
I discuss common objectives about secure relationships, how secure relationships are an opportunity to pursue immense change, creating coherence in relationships, and what codependency actually is.
This episode will help you understand how to create secure relationships, nurture your relationships for deeper intimacy, create a surplus of energy in partnerships and live in your genius to create the life you want.
Connect with Flynn:
Submit your written reviews to THIS form to be entered into a giveaway to win a 30 min session with me! We'll pull 1 winner at the end of the month.
In this episode, I describe two frameworks to use in any relationship and how to create a secure relationship to be your most expansive self.
Framework one is a commitment to closeness and framework two is co-creation.
I explain two different types of attachment in relationships which I created - lifeless and expansive - how I used to be a person with avoidant tendencies, the gap between where you are and where you want to be, and getting clear on the life you desire.
I discuss common objectives about secure relationships, how secure relationships are an opportunity to pursue immense change, creating coherence in relationships, and what codependency actually is.
This episode will help you understand how to create secure relationships, nurture your relationships for deeper intimacy, create a surplus of energy in partnerships and live in your genius to create the life you want.
Connect with Flynn:
Submit your written reviews to THIS form to be entered into a giveaway to win a 30 min session with me! We'll pull 1 winner at the end of the month.
Flynn Skidmore: Welcome back to the Flynn Skidmore podcast today. I'm going to be giving you. Frameworks to use in your relationships. And the idea is when you use these relationships in tandem, like when you're a person who's doing both of these things really well, and when you're committed to doing both of these things in every relationship that you're in, in your life, especially in your romantic relationship, not only do you create a secure relationship, you create.
Flynn Skidmore: What we call a one plus one equals eight relationship, a relationship where you get to be your fullest, most expressive self, where you get to go to the edges of who you are and go beyond your limitations, your person gets to have the exact same experience. And because both of you are having that experience of life.
Flynn Skidmore: Your partnership, your relationship together creates this immense surplus of energy. So not only do you each win, you have all this extra energy to give to the world so that the world wins. And then you use your relationship as this vehicle to make improvements in the world that inspire both you and this other person or a third person if that's your relationship preference.
Flynn Skidmore: The two frameworks. Are the commitment to closeness framework and the co creation framework. And we're going to go, we're going to be spending today going through the most important elements of each of these. Before we go on, I want to address some common objections about a secure relationship on my story this week, I.
Flynn Skidmore: And I was asking about your take on a secure relationship. If, if there's a part of you who resists a secure relationship because you think it's boring, and a lot of people said yes, which I was not surprised by. I know that that's how a lot of people see a secure relationship. Getting that response.
Flynn Skidmore: It may, it actually compelled me and made me interested. I want to sort of pioneer a new category of attachment, which is lifeless attachment. I think that what many people think is a secure attachment is in fact, a lifeless attachment. Like, what people are saying a secure relationship is, is with a person who doesn't have a whole bunch of allure or charisma or sexiness or mystery or a secure relationship is one where there's no change, where things become stagnant and predictable.
Flynn Skidmore: I think of that as a lifeless relationship where one that's an expression of lifeless attachment and secure attachment to me is the opposite. Secure attachment is the thing that allows both people to pursue immense change, to spend their lives, like I said earlier, at the edges of their understanding of who they are and their capabilities and to be constantly transforming those edges so that they get more and more and more energy and empowerment and confidence to continue to create the world an even more beautiful world.
Flynn Skidmore: Ways when we look at the attachment research, , in infancy, and we're looking at patterns of secure attachment, secure attachment is not a baby who like goes into somewhat of a coma when it's with its mother. And doesn't seek out adventure and then like all of a sudden doesn't want to learn anymore or go off and be independent or go and like cuddle super close and laugh and be fun.
Flynn Skidmore: It's not that it's a secure attachment is the thing that allows the baby to go off and explore and make mistakes and hurt itself, but then get back up because it expects that its wounds are going to be met with love and kisses and sweetness and, and it's able to be close and to cuddle. With its mother and the cuddling is great and super nurturing and energizing and recovery Inducing and then it goes gets to go back out into the world again exploring and adventuring and making mistakes and playing and Constructing and being imaginative because it knows in its bone in its bones that it has something called a secure attachment which is a place where closeness exists A relationship in which the bonding is one that allows for immense closeness, immense co regulation, which means both the mother and the child's bodies are synchronizing.
Flynn Skidmore: They're creating coherence. Their hearts are beating together. They're creating similar hormones in each of each other's bodies. Like it's, it's that place of recovery that allows us. To confidently go out and explore our lives independently with the understanding that we will get hurt and we will make mistakes.
Flynn Skidmore: And then we get to go into this super intimate, close relationship to repair our wounds and to love each other and to smile and to laugh, to then both go back out and explore the world independently. That is what a secure relationship is. And I just cannot think of anything more exciting and more valuable than that.
Flynn Skidmore: A relationship that what it's about is, is about this like central hub spot for people to support each other and love each other and encourage each other and help each other grow. But like. Part of what's happening in the relationship dynamic is that in order for that closeness to exist, in order for that closeness to be so savory and to feel so good and to be exactly what you want it to be, both people have to be encouraging each other, to be independent outside of the relationship.
Flynn Skidmore: It's, it's this beautiful, beautiful pendulation of independence, closeness, independence, closeness. And as each person goes out and they explore independence more and more, they're building momentum, they're building a need to recover and then they're drawn back into the relationship for closeness. And in that experience of closeness, they build power and they build potential energy ready to go out even further.
Flynn Skidmore: Further in their swing of independence and then swing back even further into the experience of closeness. Then two people are getting even closer than they've been before as they rest and recover each other's bodies with like giggles and fun jokes. And I just cannot imagine anything better. And if that is what you want to have, then, then I want, then I want to help you have that because the idea of a world where we're like, that's the primary relationship style.
Flynn Skidmore: I just, it's. It's just an absolutely beautiful world. And for me, that's part of the world that I want to create and what I'm here to help you do and help, help you achieve. I'm here to help you become the person who's able to have that, which you already are. It's more just about remembering you're already that, and then develop the skills that you need in order to, choose, attract, be attracted to, and then nurture and grow that type of relationship.
Flynn Skidmore: Okay, let's get into the two frameworks. The first is a commitment to closeness. A lot of people have problems in their relationship, conflict, I want him to grow and he says he wants to, but then he doesn't change anything, he doesn't do anything, or I really want him to be this. Other way but he doesn't seem to really want to be that other way.
Flynn Skidmore: And so then he'll avoid it or I want her to change in this way. And she says that she's going to change in this way, but then she goes and she continues to do the same thing over and over. Like I hear about these problems in relationships. When I'm speaking with people about this, I'll ask them, well, have you two looked each other in the eye and made a commitment to each other to spend your lives getting closer and closer together?
Flynn Skidmore: And have you both committed to the willingness to see? All of your unconscious wounds that come up in the process of beginning of, of getting closer to each other and, and have you committed to transforming those wounds so you can release all of your shields and barriers that are preventing you from closeness from, because of all the reasons that you've learned that closeness was threatening and scary, transform those wounds so that you can get closer and closer together so you can then swing out independent.
Flynn Skidmore: into independence and then get, get back closer to each other. And most people haven't. What most people are doing is trying to force the other person to want to be close and to commit to be close without ever having that consent, without ever that person, without it's, it's implied when you start dating, like, yeah, okay.
Flynn Skidmore: I guess obviously we want to be close to each other, but unless you two say it to each other and unless the, this other person, and you actually make this firm commitment and say, I want to spend the rest of my life doing this, then the commitment's not actually been made yet. And so. What we want to do is each agree to a desire to become closer and closer and to acknowledge, identify, explore, reflect on, transform all of our wounds that prevent us from being.
Flynn Skidmore: Super, super close to each other. Now, one thing that could go wrong in that is that like, it's actually a couple of things you could sit down with someone and you could say, Hey, I'd like to have this conversation. I'd like for us to, I'd like to check in and see where you're at with your commitment to closeness.
Flynn Skidmore: I am committed to. Infinite closeness with you and, and dissolving all of my unconscious wounds in, in the process is that something that you're interested in now that person might say, yes, that is exactly what I want to do. I am committed to closeness with you, and here's what I'm going to do to get closer and closer.
Flynn Skidmore: And then you see their patterns over time. And though they said they made a commitment, they're not. They haven't actually made the commitment. Like they're not eager and hungry to transform those things. So the interesting thing about that is that if you then continue to invest your time, attention, and energy into a person who continues to disappoint you, like they continue to make the commitment and they continue to disappoint you, that actually might be you unconsciously.
Flynn Skidmore: Choosing a person to invest your time and attention into who, you know, you don't have to get close to that relationship might be your way of avoiding closeness by choosing to commit to closeness with a person that, you know, you're not going to be close with. That, that it's not a hundred percent that that's the case, but it's really important to at least consider that and to not blame the other person if they're making the commitment and then not following through on what they say.
Flynn Skidmore: It actually may be more that you unconsciously know that this person isn't going to be able to get close to you in the way that you consciously want, but that is why you are unconsciously choosing them is because the relationship with them. Allows you to remain in your unconscious wounds that prevents you from achieving a satisfying level of closeness because you have some wounds around closeness.
Flynn Skidmore: Now this is important to identify because we all have wounds around closeness. Like we all have some sort of bonding wound or belonging wound where we're terrified of our internal world being exposed. Maybe we're operating with something called a mother wound, which doesn't necessarily speak to To mothers and children's.
Flynn Skidmore: It's more about like the wounded feminine and how it expresses itself, which is also in the masculine. And we all have it. We're all responsible for healing it. The wounded feminine, or the mother wound tends to be like you were forced to expose your internal world, , in a way that didn't.
Flynn Skidmore: Feel good for you. It was actually more about the other person than it was for you. So then you retracted and you kind of calcified and protected your internal world, or you have exposed your internal world and you were shown that, your internal world wasn't valuable or interesting.
Flynn Skidmore: So you never learn to value your internal world. So then you do the same thing, which is to retract it and to close it in to calcify, to protect it. Most of us have some kind of wound like that, like this fear of exposure and it gets triggered when we are pushing the edges of our comfort with intimacy, like when you're getting beyond your edge for what's familiar and safe in terms of your, familiarity with intimacy.
Flynn Skidmore: You're often giving yourself an opportunity to identify the wounds that you have around intimacy and exposure and closeness. And what a lot of people are doing unconsciously is rather than putting themselves in an opportunity to. actually transform that wound and heal it with a person that they can get closer and closer to.
Flynn Skidmore: They're investing their time, energy, and attention into a person that they know they're never going to get close enough to be able to heal those wounds. It's your unconscious doing the best to protect you in the way that it knows how it's trying to keep that wound safe because it doesn't yet trust that you're going to be able to heal and transform that wound.
Flynn Skidmore: This requires, an immense degree of self honesty and self awareness. You consciously desire closeness, , but is there a part of your unconscious who's benefiting from choosing a partner whose capacity for closeness is dissatisfying, but in some way their capacity for closeness is ensuring that you don't get close enough to have to see your wounds.
Flynn Skidmore: So it's you actually protecting your wounds. That, what we're speaking about here, the way that we Protect our closeness wounds, our belonging wounds, the ways that we protect ourselves from the vulnerability, vulnerability of deep, deep intimacy with another person. That is what we're talking about when we're talking about codependence, codependence.
Flynn Skidmore: Is an unconscious agreement that both people are making to remain as their wounded self and unconscious agreement that both of them are making to feel bad to sort of be the shadow version of themselves to kind of have their, their darkness and their wounded self. When I say darkness, I don't necessarily mean like evil, I mean like the parts of you that are in the shadows in your unconscious to have your wounds be in love with each other.
Flynn Skidmore: And in order, for the relationship to survive, it's as it is, it's almost like these, you, you need, you both need to be your wounded self. That's what codependency is. It's not necessarily like sometimes we think of codependency as like two people who can't leave each other's sides, , or even codependency becoming like the lifeless attachment pattern where everything just becomes the same and it's boring and there's no adventure, there's no change that may be a version of codependency, but another version of codependency can be, an anxious avoidant relationship and it's easy to point the finger at the one who's anxious as the one who's dependent.
Flynn Skidmore: The truth is if that relationship dynamic is ensuring that both people don't,, get to deepen their levels of intimacy with one each other, one another, and, and maintain their unconscious belonging wounds, then both people in that instance are operating codependently. They need each other. in order for their wounds to remain wounded and in order to continue to avoid actually transforming those wounds.
Flynn Skidmore: , I, I used to do this all the time as a person with avoidant tendencies, like pointing the finger. At the anxious one or the needy one who's dependent, the truth is, is that the avoidant is just as dependent on the anxious person as the anxious person is dependent on the avoidant. And if the avoidant doesn't take a look that, oh, this tendency, this pattern is actually me.
Flynn Skidmore: Protecting myself from my unconscious closeness wounds. Then I'm going to continue to attract this pattern over and over and over. And the more I blame the other person or judge them as weak or needy or dependent, the more I'm going to continue with this destructive, stressful, draining pattern that simply, when it comes down to it, just makes me feel bad.
Flynn Skidmore: It's not a pattern that makes me feel good. What co commitment to closeness is really is both people saying. I am committed to spending my life feeling good. I am committed to spending my life learning how to feel better and better and better and better. And I want this relationship to be a vehicle that helps me feel better and better and better.
Flynn Skidmore: And I want to learn in this relationship how to become a person who feels better because I've learned to transform my unconscious wounds. All of the fear, the shame, the grief that I am storing in my unconscious, all of that stuff, I want that to come to the surface in the process of getting closer to you.
Flynn Skidmore: And I am committed to transforming it. I am committed to doing whatever is needed, becoming whoever in order to transform these unconscious wounds so that I can get closer to you and so that you can get closer to me. Now, I want to tell you about a trait that exists in that co committed to closeness relationship that I think is essential and absolutely, absolutely beautiful.
Flynn Skidmore: Okay. You know how people say, I'll take care of you. You take care of me. That's certainly is an effective model. I think that. If we're going to operate on the spectrum of lifeless attachment and secure attachment, and honestly, I want to rebrand secure attachment. I want it to be like expansive attachment, something like that.
Flynn Skidmore: So let's go with that right now. Let's say there's lifeless attachment and then expansive attachment. Expansive attachment is like, there's the security that allows both people to transform their belonging wounds. Transform their unconscious wounds so that they can get closer so that they can be even more independent and powerful and inspirational and influential so that they can even be closer.
Flynn Skidmore: And then in that, you know, cycle of infinity forever so on that spectrum of lifeless attachment to expansive attachment. , the, I take care of you. You take care of me might be like six out of 10 on the way to expansive attachment, like it's pretty good and it's effective and it's going to get you by like with some degree of satisfaction and fulfillment, but it is not the best option that's available.
Flynn Skidmore: The best option that's available. I take care of me so that you can greatly benefit. A lot of people will ask me what it, what it is about me that allows me to be so consistent for so long. Like in terms of wellness, taking care of myself, consistency, like mission determination towards a goal.
Flynn Skidmore: I've been operating at a pretty high capacity for, let's say, let's say 10 years. And I truly think that it's going to be another 80 years. So what allows me to do that? It's simple. You might find it beautiful. I think it's beautiful. It's because my greatest level of satisfaction is being the person who every single day interacts with the cashier at the grocery store in the way that is the most beneficial and energizing and joyful and delightful for them.
Flynn Skidmore: I. Want to be able to show up with a particular level of energy, a particular level of, , sincere interest and enthusiasm, and a capacity for engagement that like gives. Immense life to this other person that kind of is so warm that it melts any defenses or protection that they might operate with.
Flynn Skidmore: And this person gets to like, be with their soul and be with their essence for, even a moment. And I want that type of interaction with every single person that I interact with and doing that. I also know that being that person is the thing, I just have this sense.
Flynn Skidmore: It's clear to me that being that person is the thing that's going to, is like, is the thing that is beneficial about me and is the thing that's going to be able to contribute to my success is how do I show up, energetically in a way that just inspires and gives light life to everyone's soul,
Flynn Skidmore: every single person that I interact with now to be able to do that with immense consistency, like spending 95 percent of my time, at least being able to show up for other people like that. I have to be so on it. Like sleep is on point. Food is on point. Hydration is on point. Tending to my unconscious wounds is on point.
Flynn Skidmore: Like my healing. Is for other people. And there's certainly a spectrum there where if like someone has people pleasing tendencies, that can be dangerous. I'm not talking about people pleasing. , I'll spend some more time thinking about this because I'm not exactly sure how to describe the differences yet.
Flynn Skidmore: Okay, this is what it is. I've actually been thinking about this this week, this new framework I'm playing with from going from being a belonging seeker to a belonging giver. So in people pleasing your belonging seeking you, there's some sort of emptiness or void or lack.
Flynn Skidmore: And you're yearning for something to be made whole as a result of validation or someone liking you or someone saying yes, affirming that you belong. Belonging given, giving is like you have this infinite sense of belonging internally. It is so abundant that it fills up every cell in your body with immense life and light and love.
Flynn Skidmore: And you have a surplus and it not only feels amazing to be able to offer that to someone else, it's also strategic in the sense that, you know, that being a person who generates exponential energy and then invest that energy into other people's wellbeing in every single moment of your life, like practicing immense kindness all the time and actually having the energy to do it, not faking it.
Flynn Skidmore: That that creates a world where there's even more exponential availability. So it's in some ways self serving, but it's self serving in this like my self benefits when the collective is operating at a higher level type of thing. So what we're talking about here is being a belonging giver. Now, I think in an expansive attachment relationship. It is essential to be a belonging giver. Like you are so committed to this other person's wellbeing that you see like all the things like you don't just say, Oh, I'm moody. And that's the way that I am. Or, Oh, when I get in arguments, like I'm angry and that's just the way that I am.
Flynn Skidmore: Or I, sometimes I say hurtful things and that's just the way that I am. No. There is no such thing as that's just the way that I am. What there is, is, is this helping breathe life into this other person? Is this tendency of mine giving life and giving energy, giving love to this other person? Or am I allowing myself to engage in this continuous unconscious pattern of depletion and I'm depleting myself and depleting them and I'm protecting myself from the responsibility of transforming that by saying, Oh, that's just who I am.
Flynn Skidmore: Or that's just the way things are. , that's just how men are. Whatever it is, being a belonging giver in a relationship sets you up to take. immense responsibility and to be able to be committed to closeness in a way where you are, where you desire to show up for this other person as literally the greatest teammate who's ever existed.
Flynn Skidmore: And you know that in order to be that level of teammate, it is your responsibility to heal your unconscious wounds. But again, it's not belonging seeking. It's not like, I'll do this and then maybe you'll love me, please. It's like, no, I am. fucking amazing and I can be even more amazing and I'm excited and eager to transform these things about myself because I'm so excited and eager to be able to give you more because I know that when I give you more, you're able to generate more and then we can co create even greater than one plus one equals eight and then we can benefit and help the world even more.
Flynn Skidmore: So that is my standard for a relationship. All relationships with Emily, business stuff, friendships, like that to me is what it is. And I really encourage you to operate similarly because it is immensely satisfying and, and fun. Like it's fucking incredible to have this experience with Emily where that's how we relate to each other.
Flynn Skidmore: And the better we are at doing that, the better we're able to serve and love the community that we serve. And love and that, I mean, I don't know, like, you know, me, I don't think that that's good or bad. I just love that. I just can't think of anything that's, that's more worthwhile to do than to operate in the world that way.
Flynn Skidmore: The other framework that we're talking about here is co creation and we don't need to spend that much time on this because we have already, we've already touched on it. The co creation framework is this idea that you two are both committed to showing up as absolute powerhouse energetic assets for each other. And you two both have a vision that you want to bring to life and your relationship makes it easier, faster, and more fun for you to both bring your vision to life as individuals. And as a partnership. So it's almost like there are three entities in a relationship. There's the, the you as an individual, your partner as an individual, and then the third person that's created who is the representative of the relationship.
Flynn Skidmore: And there are visions for all three of those things. One of the ways that I've been really enjoying thinking about vision recently, like imagine this type of relationship. Where you are committed to spending your life. This is bold, but it's possible. And I want this for you because if you do this, it makes the world a million times, probably a trillion times better.
Flynn Skidmore: You are committed to living your life a hundred percent. Of your time spent in your genius. So what is the thing that make that psych about you that almost no one else on the planet could do? You are amazing at this particular thing, and maybe there are a hundred or a thousand or a million other people who do it, but you're really fucking good at it.
Flynn Skidmore: And what if you said to yourself. I'm going to commit to building a life for myself where I'm a hundred percent in my genius. And I have really, I have an ecosystem around me that supports me being in my genius and the things that are not my genius. While I'm in relationship with people who's genius that thing is.
Flynn Skidmore: And then they take care of that. And our relationship is this interdependent thing that allows for both of us to be operating at a hundred percent in our genius, a hundred percent of the time. Certainly an ambitious thing to strive for. Like I'm not there yet. I'm probably, I would say I probably like 60 percent of my time is in my genius.
Flynn Skidmore: And I think by the end of 2024, it's going to be a hundred percent. And I'm so happy for you to benefit from me being a hundred percent of my genius, because I'm going to be so much better when I'm able to do that. And the idea of being able to serve you even better as a result of being even happier and more fulfilled is just absolutely wonderful.
Flynn Skidmore: And I cannot wait for that. So what is your vision of being a hundred percent in your genius? And what is your partner's vision for being a hundred percent in your genius? And are you both committed to that? Like of course you desire that, but have you actually sat down and said to yourself, I am. A hundred percent committed to this.
Flynn Skidmore: I'm going to spend the rest of my life. And if you had to answer that with a yes or a no, what would you say? It's probably no. I mean, most people are not yet committed to that, but you can choose to commit to that right now and make it happen. Once you get that vision of you in a hundred percent of your time in your genius, you then start to be able to identify the gap.
Flynn Skidmore: So what's the gap between where I am and where I want to be. Most people see a gap between where they are and where they want to be and they go into a state of terror. What we want to do is to practice learning that the gap is not this hellish chasm that's going to consume you and you'll never get to the other side.
Flynn Skidmore: You have to like pour concrete over your feet and trudge your way over. The gap is this like meadow to dance through as you go from where you are to where you want to be. And the question, so we want to bring that energy. We want to bring, um, puck from midsummer night's dream energy in the process of where you are to where you want to be frolicking, dancing, playing a little like carved out wooden flute naked in the forest with, elves and fairies and twinkles, like that experience as you're going from where you are to where you want to be.
Flynn Skidmore: And what's the plan to go from where you are to where you want to be, where a hundred percent of your life. You're spending in your genius. This takes immense personal responsibility. It takes immense I am going to make this happen and I am willing to change anything in order to make this happen because I don't identify with at with anything.
Flynn Skidmore: I identify with the experience I'm having and I allow my identity to float along with me like a balloon beautifully dancing in a midsummer's breeze at like, as the representative of my identity, , things about me, the way I speak, the way I dress, everything's about me change and shift as I get better and better at having the experience of life that I want to have.
Flynn Skidmore: How willing are you to change just about anything in order for you to be a person who gets to spend your life a hundred percent in your genius, or are you going to be the type of person who's like, no, that's just who I am. And I don't want to change. And you certainly have that choice, but I would not recommend that choice.
Flynn Skidmore: I don't think it is a very satisfying and fulfilling one. Now, as you get clearer and clearer on your vision. Who you want to be what it's like living in a hundred percent your genius you get clear on the gap you you start to Practice puck dancing with the flute in the meadow to close that gap you make a plea make a specific plan You start to do this now with your partner.
Flynn Skidmore: So what's their vision for their genius? What's their plan and then together? What is your co created vision? For both getting to be a hundred percent in your genius What's the gap? How do you two want to navigate that gap together? What is it like for you to both be puck together? I don't remember the characters, but like I'm sure there's another character in there that wanted to dance with puck What's the plan together?
Flynn Skidmore: How do you make this process together of closing the gap like the most? enjoyable easier faster and more fun For you both to bring your visions to life and who do you both need to be in order for you to both be the type of people who are able to show up for one another with the type of energy that makes it easier, faster, and more fun for the other persons.
Flynn Skidmore: It's like your responsibility for your healing is so that you can give this other person the gift of helping them bring their vision to life easier and faster and more fun. And , it just feels. Fucking amazing. I want that for you so, so badly. And let me just leave you with this, like a little activity for identifying your genius.
Flynn Skidmore: Like when you're living your life, a hundred percent in your genius. Let's start with this. I actually, it's not like a prefabricated activity. I'm going off the dome right now. So I, if I were you, I would write down a list of every single thing that you do in your life. Like literally every single thing that you do, all the things you spend your time doing, being super honest with yourself.
Flynn Skidmore: And then I would be like very binary with it in the beginning. So genius, not genius. And I would start to identify on that list, the things that are not in your genius and the things that are in your genius, like the thing that like touches your soul and captivate you and brings you and brings your soul to life.
Flynn Skidmore: And it's like. Full expression. What are those things that you're doing? And then once you start to identify those things, the question becomes like, how do you design a life around your genius? How do you design a life for yourself where you get to be that version of yourself? 100 percent of the time, or you're recovering from being that version of yourself so that you can come back and be that version of yourself again, how many hours of the day , do you get to be that version of yourself?
Flynn Skidmore: That's what I would start with. Just write a list of all the things that you spend your time doing and start to get clear on cross out the non genius things, and then start to circle the genius, the things that are in your genius. And let's see where that goes again. Like that's just off the dome. So I hope that's useful.
Flynn Skidmore: Well, yeah, that's it. So commitment to closeness with one another, with one another, not forcing each other to want to be close with one another, primarily taking responsibility and asking, like, am I actually choosing this relationship because it helps me avoid closeness and avoid transforming my wounds?
Flynn Skidmore: The experience of you healing yourself because it allows you to give gifts to others. But it's not belonging seeking, it's belonging giving. So it's not from a scarce sense of belonging. It's from an infinite sense of belonging. And you have a surplus that you get to offer the world. And then co creation, the vision for a hundred percent in your genius.
Flynn Skidmore: What's the gap. Are you dreading the gap? Is it a hellish chasm? Or can you turn that gap into a frolicking meadow? What's the plan? And then what does it look like to do the exact same thing with the person that you are in? Now, a little, little tidbit, just because I can't leave you without giving you this.
Flynn Skidmore: Of course, there's the vision for your whole life. You know, like with your partner, like 30 years from now, like this is where we want to live, but it's also in the most micro of moments. Like if you two are angry at each other and you're in an argument, you get to do the co creation process. What's the vision for you navigating this argument?
Flynn Skidmore: As your genius version of you, what's the vision for your partner navigating this argument as the genius version of them? What's currently the gap? Well, the gap right now is I'm furious and I want to punch you in the face, saying that as Emily to me, I wouldn't think that about Emily. I want to punch you in the face and like claw your eyes out cause you're annoying me so much, which I do often.
Flynn Skidmore: And then what's the plan for us? Each like physiologically, psychologically, energetically, emotionally to close that gap to be the person who's able to navigate this conflict as the genius version of ourselves. That's what's so beautiful about the co creation framework. It applies to the most micro moments to the most macro moments.
Flynn Skidmore: Thank you so much for listening. I love you all. Have a fantastic day. I can't wait to hear the feedback from your genius activity and learn about who you are when you're a hundred percent in your genius.