In today's episode, I speak about the one major thing that gets in the way of people's capacity to engage in conflict skillfully, efficiently, and effectively. I'm also going to give you one framework to be able to understand yourself on a deeper level so that you can go into conflict understanding what it is that you actually want.
I discuss how 70 percent of couples supposedly have the same conflict over and over, how to find a fulfilling solution to the conflict, understand your frustration, and transform it into figuring out what you want, being fully honest with yourself, and provide you with the free-to-judge process.
My hope is that you walk away from this episode with a deep understanding of how to resolve conflict in a more satisfying and fulfilling way, and in the process deepen your relationship with yourself.
Connect with Flynn:
Submit your written reviews to THIS form to be entered into a giveaway to win a 30 min session with me! We'll pull 1 winner at the end of the month.
In today's episode, I speak about the one major thing that gets in the way of people's capacity to engage in conflict skillfully, efficiently, and effectively. I'm also going to give you one framework to be able to understand yourself on a deeper level so that you can go into conflict understanding what it is that you actually want.
I discuss how 70 percent of couples supposedly have the same conflict over and over, how to find a fulfilling solution to the conflict, understand your frustration, and transform it into figuring out what you want, being fully honest with yourself, and provide you with the free-to-judge process.
My hope is that you walk away from this episode with a deep understanding of how to resolve conflict in a more satisfying and fulfilling way, and in the process deepen your relationship with yourself.
Connect with Flynn:
Submit your written reviews to THIS form to be entered into a giveaway to win a 30 min session with me! We'll pull 1 winner at the end of the month.
[00:00:00] Flynn: Hello and welcome to the Flynn Skidmore podcast. My goal is to help you become exactly who you want to be. We are here to help you take your biggest, boldest, most beautiful vision for life And turn that vision into reality. Welcome back to the Flynn Skidmore podcast. Today's all about conflict. It's all about learning to become a master of conflict, learning to lean into conflict, to use conflict, find the gold nuggets in there so that you can contribute to your evolution, the evolution of your relationships, so that you can co create amazing, beautiful solutions with other people.
[00:00:47] Flynn: We are. going to speak about the one major thing that gets in the way of people's capacity to engage in conflict masterfully, skillfully, [00:01:00] efficiently, and effectively. And I'm going to give you one framework to be able to understand yourself on a deeper level so that you can go into conflict, understanding what it is that you actually want.
[00:01:15] Flynn: Okay. 70 percent of couples supposedly have the same conflict over and over. Same argument. Usually what people do in that case is like, like, let's say you're having an argument with someone. You. Don't think that you're going to be able to come up with a satisfying and fulfilling solution based on how this person is approaching it based on their patterns.
[00:01:39] Flynn: You're not able to express the full truth of what you're experiencing. You'd rather just end the conflict. So what you do is you numb yourself or you repress your full truth in order to just make things okay. But the real thing that's happening for you is that you need them to acknowledge a particular thing.
[00:01:58] Flynn: Um, [00:02:00] Because you want to trust that they're going to be able to change this, but you also, they're not demonstrating patterns. They're not showing you evidence that they are going to be able to acknowledge it and trust it. And so you might feel like the one who's like overextending yourself, you're the one who's being, um, like super compassionate and accepting, but you also might feel like you're excusing, uh, a person to remain in, in particular patterns and the patterns don't change.
[00:02:24] Flynn: So the question is, is. Like, how, how can you escape that trap? We're not going to go through all of it today. I'm going to focus on one component, one mistake that might, I'm guessing that you're making. And if you can, um, if you can tweak this mistake, you know, it's just, it's just going to open up so much freedom, so much empowerment, so much, um, So much like more realness with yourself, so much more self honesty, so much less imprisonment by your own thoughts and your judgments of how you're supposed to operate and who you're supposed to.[00:03:00]
[00:03:00] Flynn: Conflict is really difficult when you don't know what you want. Okay. So, you know, you're frustrated with this other person. You want something to change. You want them to acknowledge things differently. What do you want to change? Underneath all of that, what is it that you really want? Because when it's, it's when you can understand this, that you can approach conflict, uh, with this self understanding, be conflict then becomes a golden opportunity for evolution and co creation.
[00:03:33] Flynn: So again, today I'm going to help you understand one of the major things that's getting in the way of knowing what you want, and I'm going to give you one framework for understanding we wish that you can like extract. Deeper understanding, um, you can understand what you want on a deeper level. So let's talk about what's in the way of knowing what you want.
[00:03:54] Flynn: So this person, the pattern or a situation is frustrating you. [00:04:00] There's something you want to change. And it's a complex experience because on the one hand, you are accepting, you're compassionate, you're understanding. On the other hand, you do want things to change. And in this desire to change and in the frustration of them not changing, you probably have judgments about this other person.
[00:04:20] Flynn: You probably do want to control them, but most people get stuck in this rut because they think they're support, like in order to be like a good person or, uh, I, you know, whatever. Good person, I guess is what we can say. They think they're supposed to only be accepting and compassionate. They have like a template.
[00:04:38] Flynn: Oh, good person means, or like the way to resolve this means to be accepting and compassionate. And that is true, except. When judgments do come up within your where when a desire to control this person or this thing comes up, you then repress that judgment or the desire to control because it doesn't align with the template that you [00:05:00] have of what a good person is supposed to be or what a good partner is supposed to be, or what a compassionate person is supposed to be.
[00:05:05] Flynn: So because the judgment doesn't align with the compassion and you think the judgment is bad, you repress it. The repression then sets you up to fight yourself internally for internal battles and. Nearly guarantees that you build up resentment when it comes to conflict, the main thing from preventing you from understanding what you want, and in turn, creating permanent solutions with people is that you aren't honest with yourself about the judgments you're making about this person, this situation.
[00:05:36] Flynn: You're not honest with yourself about the ways that you want to control now. Yes. Your judgments and your desires to control other people or to control situations stem from your ego. But what most people do, and you might be caught in this trap, is say to themselves, but that's just my ego. As if saying that, like, changes anything.[00:06:00]
[00:06:00] Flynn: Saying, but that's just my ego wanting to control or wanting to judge. Is you basically saying, oh, but that's bad. So I need to hide that away. And I'm going to forcefully repress that into myself, into my body and pretend I'm fully compassionate and fully accepting, but I'm actually not. I'm frustrated.
[00:06:18] Flynn: The repression of the judgment and the need for control. It, it does two things. It guarantees that the judgment and the control stick around and get worse over time. And two, it makes you miss out on a massive opportunity to move closer to yourself, to understand the parts of you who are judging, to understand what these parts of your psyche and your unconscious actually want.
[00:06:44] Flynn: So I want to offer you a framework so you can move toward your judgments and understand them. Thank you. I want you to be able to learn to dance with the judgments that you make, dance with your need to control rather than fight these things with you. If you can master this, it [00:07:00] just, it's just, again, it just creates an immense sense of freedom, empowerment to resolve conflict, just like a sense of confidence in understanding yourself, not be so, not being, it's not like, Internal battle energy.
[00:07:12] Flynn: You can, you can glide with, you can dance with, you can be water with the things that exist in your psyche and happen in your mind, um, rather than, I don't know, rather than fight everything. And, and the, one of the most beautiful things is when you, when you give yourself permission to understand yourself in this way, move closer to yourself to unpack and distill and, uh, discover what's underneath your judgments and your desire to control.
[00:07:38] Flynn: You're then able to do that with other people. So really what it's about, you have a judgment, you have a need to control. You're judging that judgment and the need to control and the judgment of your judgment and need to control ensures that you don't understand and see compassionately your judgment and need to control, which means then that you do that with other people.
[00:07:58] Flynn: If you can't [00:08:00] understand your judgment and need to control and move towards it and be warm with it and have a relationship with it, it means that you're not able to do the same for other people. And if you're not able to do the same thing for other people, well, that's one of the elements involved in having the same conflicts over and over and over again.
[00:08:17] Flynn: So. Let's talk about the free to judge process. Conflict mastery has several components. The free to judge process is a primary and essential component, meaning you're only going to be able to co create Transformative solutions with other people. If you engage in this process, and I don't like to use absolute language, like you can only this, if this, but truly I, I don't know of anything else that I don't know, like, I don't see a world in which you're going to be able to come up with solutions with people and transform and evolve with other people, if you're not operating this way.
[00:08:56] Flynn: Um, and maybe there's a better way and we can discover it or create it together, but [00:09:00] this is currently the best that I'm aware of. So this framework is going to help you with these three things. It's going to help you get clear on your judgments about a specific person or situation, and it's going to help you operate with self permissive permission, permissive energy to have your judgments permitting your judgments and your desire to control to be as big as it needs to be.
[00:09:26] Flynn: Number two, I want to help you understand, or this framework is going to help you understand what you actually want as a result of judging. What is it that's underneath the judgment and the need to control? And number three, it's going to help you recognize that underneath your judgment and desire to control, there's an invitation to create more of what you really want from life and to become more of who you want to be.
[00:09:51] Flynn: Who you want to be to hold yourself to a greater degree of personal responsibility. It's really a beautiful thing. And yes, ultimately [00:10:00] we are looking to quiet our judgments. I don't want you to operate with the rigidity and the fear and the angst of judgment. I don't want you to operate with the rigidity and the fear of needing to control things.
[00:10:13] Flynn: I want you to be able to quiet the judgment and the control, maybe even release it. But the question is, is how to effectively do that. And it's not by fighting it. It's by learning to dance with it. The best way to make something small is to give it permission to be big. That's a thing that you and I can learn about the rest of our lives.
[00:10:33] Flynn: The best way to make something small, if it wants to be small, which it probably, which it may, is to give it permission to be big. Can you be big enough to hold space for however big the judgment and the need to control needs to be? Can you create the space for it? If it wants to take up the whole room, can you expand and take up the whole room?
[00:10:55] Flynn: You're creating a container for the judgment to express itself fully. [00:11:00] When, as you engage in this process, you'll see this really beautiful thing that when you just give something permission to express itself the way that it needs to, it usually has this energy of like, Oh, okay, well now that I know that I can do it, I don't really need to do it so much.
[00:11:17] Flynn: Again, if you want to make something small, permit it to be big and this process is going to help you do that. Okay. We have. Let's see, 4, 5 steps here, and I'm going to walk you through each of them. So the first step is describe the situation. The second step is explore your thoughts and emotions. The third step is what should they change?
[00:11:38] Flynn: The fourth step is what would that change do for you? And the fifth step is, am I making my growth their responsibility? This is An adaptation of someone, but some of Byron Katie's work, I just kind of like included, I took that framework that she created, which by the way is genius and it's [00:12:00] remarkable that she built an entire career basically based on four questions when they're so good.
[00:12:07] Flynn: They do, however, They can be a little bit, the, the pro I've, I've like deeply studied her process. And in my opinion, the process is fire. It's really good. The, the language can come across as a little bit bypassy. It's a little bit cognitive behavioral therapy, which to me is like mid it's, um, it's, it doesn't.
[00:12:34] Flynn: It, it doesn't like account for the complexity of relating to the parts of you who need to be judging it. Byron Katie's model though. Great. Tends to like, it comes off. Like, it's just like, okay, you're having this thought about them. Is that thought true? No, it's not true. So what's this other thought. Okay.
[00:12:52] Flynn: Now I have this other thought and. In my opinion, transformation requires a little bit more like intimacy with your psyche [00:13:00] than that. It's a little bit, it requires that type of thinking, but that type of thinking is only accessible with a particular relationship with your body. So what I'm looking to do here is to, you know, stand on the shoulders of a giant and just make it 1 percent better, um, with a, with a little bit more consideration of parts work and, and somatic psychology.
[00:13:22] Flynn: Okay. So step one. Describe the situation. What we want you to do is just get it all out on paper. Like, what is the thing that is annoying the fuck out of you? Like, what is the thing that you don't like? Describe the, uh, distress and conflict, the pattern, the person, or the situation, just be real, be honest.
[00:13:44] Flynn: Like, Say it as it is. Speak about the thing that you don't like. Don't edit yourself. Get it out on paper. And you might find yourself writing stuff like, well, her kid does this, this, and this. And here's how this affects my kid. And she's a bad mother. And her kid is becoming a [00:14:00] monster. Like, yes, say it. It's in, it's in you anyway.
[00:14:03] Flynn: So you may as well. Write it out. I did forget to say, and I'll speak about this more. Like, we're going to speak about this process verbally. Um, ideally what you're doing is right. As you're like taking a journal or piece of paper and you're writing all of this out, ultimately, we want this to this process to just be how you operate.
[00:14:23] Flynn: Like you just do this on the fly internally with yourself. Um, but in the beginning, it can be really helpful to write all this out. So as we're going through the steps, um, listen to them in a way where you're like, okay. When I have a conflict, uh, here are the steps that I'm going to go through and I'm going to be writing all this down.
[00:14:41] Flynn: So in step one, describing the situation, we want you to be really specific about who is involved. You want to be specific about the instances and the events leading to your frustration. And you want to be specific about the most bothersome things about it. Like just be real. Don't edit yourself trying to [00:15:00] be like a spiritually enlightened person.
[00:15:02] Flynn: I. And I am not someone who's going for enlightenment, but I do think that if a person were enlightened, what that would involve would be not being entirely peaceful. It would involve being entirely honest. Um, though I don't necessarily think enlightenment is that great of a flex. So if that's what you want, I think what that means is, is full honesty with what exists in your psyche.
[00:15:28] Flynn: Um, okay. This step that described the situation, it helps you clarify the context of the conflict. We just want to know, do you like setting the scene? What is the scene that you are really frustrated with and annoyed by or angry about, um, or hurt by? Okay. Step two. Explore your thoughts and emotions. So this is where we want to write down the judgment, more about the judgments, the feelings, um, and the ways that you'd kind of like to control this [00:16:00] person or this situation.
[00:16:01] Flynn: So these are the statements where you're like, they should, they're supposed to, I can't believe they X and they're supposed to do this. I can't believe they don't see that their actions are causing this. What we're, what we're looking to do here. And step two is to uncover the assumptions, the beliefs, the unconscious agreements that that's driving your experience of this conflict.
[00:16:24] Flynn: Like a good mother is supposed to do this. This is how a person's supposed to raise their kids. Uh, uh, uh, considerate person does this, this, and this, they need to acknowledge this, this, and this. Okay. Get it all out. Again, full permission, please. Full permission, be petty. The enlightened person, again, if maybe it's not easy, it doesn't even make sense to speak about that, but the enlightened person is truthful about their pettiness and doesn't invest energy in hiding it.
[00:16:55] Flynn: Because that person knows that the expression of their full [00:17:00] truth is the thing that is transformative. And the repression of it, the suppression of it is the thing that ultimately contributes to disease, but frustration. Um, and again, just want to emphasize, like I'm, I'm not a person who like thinks that enlightenment is the thing to go for.
[00:17:16] Flynn: I think that touching your soul is the thing to go for. Um, same process though. Okay. So you Be petty, don't pretend to be the bigger person. Like don't, don't do that stuff. Just let yourself be real with how parts of you are experiencing this with the understanding that these judgments and the desires to control, and even the desires to be mean about how you're seeing it, they don't define you.
[00:17:42] Flynn: They, they are parts of what's happening in your psyche. And. Yeah, they, they don't make up who you are. They're just a part of the experience. Um, and we, we want them to be able to express themselves fully. Okay. Step three, what should this other person change? So I like thinking [00:18:00] about this as like, if you could, if you could give them advice.
[00:18:05] Flynn: If you could write out a list of things that they need to do differently, and then somehow this other person miraculously follows every single thing that you say, what's that list? Describe the ways that they should change their behavior, their approach to life, um, or the way that the situation should change.
[00:18:23] Flynn: Write out a list of all of the things. What exactly do you want to be different? What do you want this person to say? How do you want the situation to be? What do you want the pattern to be? Like, what, how does this thing need to be? And again, we're, we're give, this is a practice of giving your ego what it wants.
[00:18:39] Flynn: So you may have a part of your intellectual mind. That's like, everything is perfect and beautiful as it is, and I'm accepting and I'm compassionate. But the question is like, is that intellectualized compassion or you. Actually feeling that, and the way to actually feel it is kind of the theme of what we're [00:19:00] speaking about here is to allow your frustrations and your desires to control and your judgments to emerge.
[00:19:08] Flynn: Um, because in the next step, we're going to start to understand. What those changes in the situation or the other person, what those things would do for you, because ultimately that's what it's about. Even if you want something in the world to change that seems unjust or that is unjust, something that you hate, something that's horrible happening in the world, you're self motivated.
[00:19:30] Flynn: It's, it's motivated by self interest. You're hoping. That if something is a different way, if there's more equality in this way or in this way, which we want, but you're, you're hoping that if things externally are a different way, then you will get access to, uh, something that you want to experience internally and you're not wrong.
[00:19:54] Flynn: Like creating more fairness and more fair opportunities for people [00:20:00] probably is a culture and a place. Where you will have more access to the internal experience you want, when you can rest assured, when you can know that more people have more fair access to creating a beautiful life. The question is, is what is the most effective process for creating those changes externally goes back to that thing that we've all heard be the change you wish to see when you understand what it is that you actually want to see.
[00:20:31] Flynn: Internally. And you're honest with yourself that you are self motivated. You want something external to change because you're hoping to feel a different way as a result of it changing. When you get clear on what you actually want, then you can start to be the chain, hold yourself responsible for being the change that you wish to see in the world, which my, the bet that I'm making is that that model of be the change is the most [00:21:00] effective and efficient.
[00:21:01] Flynn: Strategy for producing external changes, uh, to internally be a match for the external solutions you want to create. Okay. So step four, what would that change do for you? We're, we're now that you're creating a container for yourself to be extra real. About what's actually happening with you, the judgments that can, the need for control, we can go deeper and understand what you really want.
[00:21:29] Flynn: So in the, in step three, where you wrote out a list of all the things that, that you would want them to change, pick one of those things that you want them to change, and then ask yourself if they changed the exact way that I want, or if this external thing or this situation exchanged exactly how I wanted to, what would that do for me?
[00:21:50] Flynn: What we're looking to get into here, and it may take a few rounds of this is how would I feel, who would I become, but maybe, maybe where you're at is something like, and this is actually better because we [00:22:00] don't want to skip right to the feelings. That's I'll just, I'm going to just say this word to kind of like imprint it in your mind, uh, has something that you don't want to do, but it's a lazy version of this to go right to the feelings we want.
[00:22:15] Flynn: All the, all the ego juice, all the great things are going to be in the steps between the, well, if they were, if they parented their child this way, then that would do this for me, this for me, this for me, this for me, that's where the real juice is at is seeing like what it is that your ego wants, how your ego wants to be able to perceive yourself or interpret the world.
[00:22:36] Flynn: So. Okay, so let's say like if this changed exactly the way that I want, what would that do for me? And maybe there's something in there that's like, it would allow me to see myself as the superior mother. And that is amazing. Like that level of honesty is incredible. Just by the way, like every single person on the planet, every single [00:23:00] person here listening, Obviously included is operating with superiority, inferiority dynamics.
[00:23:06] Flynn: Like some parts of us internally think that being perceived as inferior is our safest option for survival. Like we think that we need to be perceived as helpless, calling out for help. And if we can successfully do that, then people are going to congregate and come together to save us. Um, unfortunately I'm not here to judge anything as good or bad.
[00:23:29] Flynn: I'm here to be discerning about what's effective. That doesn't generally produce the results that we're looking for. And it's all about your relationship with that, who truly and sincerely believes that inferiority is the safest option. But anytime there's inferiority, which we all have, we all have that thing in us.
[00:23:48] Flynn: There's likely superiority in a particular way. Um, Needing to be seen as better than in order to be safe. That the only way that I can be safe is if I'm seen as like [00:24:00] morally superior, spiritually superior, the better mother. And we truth, like we love that honesty. You being that level of honest with yourself is the greatest flex imaginable because.
[00:24:13] Flynn: Everyone has that, and most people are pretending that they don't have that. So when you, so let's say in the mother model, if you get to see yourself as the superior mother, mother, what does that do for you? Well, and then you'll probably. You'll probably end up finding things about like relationship with your own mother and the experience of being a woman and the responsibility that was given to you that you didn't necessarily choose and how you grew up.
[00:24:39] Flynn: And it gets you like, if you're the superior mother, then it gets you to be perceived a certain way. And it makes you feel less bad about your own shortcomings. Um, and that's the model that you have for. feeling better about your own shortcomings, you're worried about people's judgments about your shortcomings.
[00:24:56] Flynn: And then the model for safety that you have is to be [00:25:00] judged in a different way, in a way that that's receiving praise. So you're, so you're afraid, you're afraid of being perceived in one way as a bad mother. And this is just an example. And you think that the solution is to be praised as a good mother or the best mother.
[00:25:16] Flynn: And again, it's not about that being right or wrong. It's just. Not that effective because what we want to understand is if you get to see yourself as in this model the superior mother What does that do for you? That's what we want to know We want to start getting so if you get to if you know that like in the whole world Agrees that you're the superior mother like you're the greatest mother who has ever walked to the earth And everyone agrees and everyone will agree for eternity.
[00:25:45] Flynn: What will that do for you? And you'll start to identify the feelings that you're hoping to access as a result of getting to interpret yourself as superior. Well, then I'd get relief because I'm not worried about being perceived as a bad [00:26:00] mother anymore. Okay. Relief is a transitional experience. Usually it's like, okay, that's done now that that's done.
[00:26:07] Flynn: What do I get? Okay. Well, when I get relief from. I'm not, I'm no longer, it's guaranteed that no one is going to perceive me as a bad mother. Um, which let me just, just add this. Usually it's the case that it's not being perceived as a superior thing that you want. That's not necessarily the most nourishing piece.
[00:26:27] Flynn: What's motivating you is the avoidance of being perceived as inferior. Uh, that's the thing that has the most energy to it. So if you could guarantee that no one for the, for the rest of human history would ever perceive you as a bad mother and everyone would agree that you're a good mother, you know, what would that do for you?
[00:26:45] Flynn: Relief. And then if you didn't have to worry about that, what would that do for you? What would that feel like? Well, then I'd get to feel confident, more relaxed, more calm, more. Graceful, more at ease. Okay. Now we're understanding what you [00:27:00] actually want here. These body based definitions, these body based experiences of what it is that you actually want.
[00:27:07] Flynn: You were judging this other person for how they're mothering their children. And that's okay. Again, like I'm, I'm 0 percent shaming that I just want to help you understand what's at the root of that. So you're judging this other person for, for the way that they mother, the parent, their kids, what you're actually looking for is, is to be able to collect evidence that allows you to see yourself as the superior mother, uh, or, or perceive yourself as a superior mother.
[00:27:38] Flynn: And that's okay. And the reason that you want to be perceived as a superior mother is because you want to avoid being perceived as a bad mother. And if you can avoid being perceived as a bad mother, then you get relief and then you get access to the joy, the calm you're looking for. So what you're doing, what your ego is doing, it's just simply making a mistake.
[00:27:55] Flynn: It wants joy, calm, relaxation, um, confidence, [00:28:00] calmness. Curiosity, awe, wonder. It wants these beautiful, vibrant, internal experiences. It wants to be connected with your soul. It's just making a very human mistake and thinking that the effective way to produce those internal experiences is to be caught up in like being worried about other people perceiving you as a bad mother and getting to see yourself as superior, all that.
[00:28:24] Flynn: It's just making a mistake and we are not here to judge the mistakes of your ego or anyone else's. What we're here to do is to move towards them so that we can understand them, understand what's, what's really motivating them, and then be discerning and come up with more effective and efficient ways for actually getting you the internal experiences that you want that are going to work and that are going to be more sustainable.
[00:28:48] Flynn: So step five, am I making my growth, this other person's responsibility? So in step four, you're ideally starting to discover that your ego wants to judge and control this [00:29:00] other person or situation, because it's currently seeing that as the best option for accessing the internal experience you want. Like with the mother example, peace, relax, relaxation, calm, Enthusiasm, whatever.
[00:29:13] Flynn: Of course, your ego wants those things. Your soul wants those things. Like your soul and your ego are on the same page about what you want. Your ego is just a little bit, a little bit naive and a little bit mistaken. In its approach to actually producing what it is that you want. But the deeper we can understand what your ego wants, the more we can work with it, to harmonize with it, the less like, like when, for me personally, when I see like, oh yeah, I'm judging this person or I'm doing this thing because what I want is acknowledgement for this and this, this, and this.
[00:29:44] Flynn: And if I get acknowledgement, then that allows me to feel at peace in my body. Okay. So what I want is peace. It's really hard for me to judge myself for wanting peace, but now I get to be like discerning and clear about the ways in which I'm trying to access peace. Like [00:30:00] is like forcing this other person to acknowledge something, the best way of accessing peace, or is that actually a strategy that's likely to produce an exacerbate frustration or fear, something like that.
[00:30:12] Flynn: Right. And it's not good or bad. It's just. Is this working to produce the result that I want? So your ego, it just may be mistaken in its process of accessing and amplifying peace and relaxation or whatever experience of wellbeing you want. So for example, seeing yourself as the superior mother, as the superior mother is one option for peace and relaxation, and it may even work a little bit, like if your group of friends.
[00:30:37] Flynn: Validates that you're the best mother like that may create some peace and relaxation, but in the model of superiority and inferiority, the seeking of superiority is motivated by a fear of being perceived as inferior. And if you're, and if your access to peace and relaxation includes a fear of being perceived [00:31:00] as inferior, it's not that it's bad, it's just not necessarily the most sustainable, effective, and efficient way to go.
[00:31:05] Flynn: Model or option. So we're looking to get clear on the deeper motivators. What do you want to feel so that you can clearly discern the options available for producing the internal results that you want. And now that you're getting clearer on the internal experience you want, the question becomes, if I'm being honest with myself about what I actually want and my levels of commitment, am I creating a life full of, for example, peace and relaxation?
[00:31:34] Flynn: Am I actually committed to that? Do my patterns indicate that I'm committed to peace and relaxation? Do I, am I procrastinating on something and I'm saying I'm procrastinating it in the name of rest and relaxation, but actually procrastinating, it seems to be paired with anxiety. So I'm actually committed to increasing anxiety in my life.
[00:31:54] Flynn: Like. Am I willing to be honest with myself about how much I'm actually [00:32:00] committed to taking responsibility for and creating the internal experiences I want in my life? Am I fully committed to becoming who I want to be? To be, or am I seeking to control other people or situations in order to access what I want?
[00:32:19] Flynn: Because I hope that what I want exists when this external thing is changed, rather than taking responsibility with, for the understanding that what you want becomes available within the process of transforming something. So it doesn't exist. When something is transformed, it exists within the process of learning to transform something.
[00:32:41] Flynn: And I hope that distinction makes sense. Uh, am I using my control and my judgments to avoid the truth that I'm not fully taking ownership of the internal experience I want in my life? So if it's a hard, if it's a hard and painful truth to be like, no, I'm not becoming who I want to be. I'm avoiding my big story.
[00:32:59] Flynn: I'm keeping [00:33:00] myself small. Um, I'm feeling inferior. Furrier because of that, I'm feeling anxious because of that and overwhelmed as a result of it. And so what I'm going to do in order to numb myself to that experience or ignore it is invest my energy into trying to get what I want. Let's say it's peace and relaxation.
[00:33:18] Flynn: Um, By judging people and controlling a particular situation. Uh, and then we want to start to ask, okay, now that I'm clear on what I want, what might be some of the more sustainable and effective and efficient solutions for creating the internal experiences that I want? What, what is it that I can commit to?
[00:33:37] Flynn: What, what is it that I can commit to that I've been wanting to commit to that I'm not actually committed to. And when I am living a version of life where I perceive. And actually do have abundant access to what I really want when I'm becoming who I want to be, when I'm relating to my internal and external worlds with the experience [00:34:00] I want.
[00:34:00] Flynn: So if what I want is peace and relaxation, I'm devoted and committed to relating to All things in my internal and external world. Um, with a curiosity about how peace and relaxation might relate to these things. I'm devoted to the cultivation of these energies. I'm devoted to allowing myself, my mind and my body to be a vessel through which these particular energies relate.
[00:34:21] Flynn: Not because they're good. You could choose shame and anger if you want. They're, they're all options. Joy is an option, just like shame and anger is an option and you get to pick whichever one you want. Um, So when I perceive that I have abundant access to what I really want and I'm becoming who I want to be, what happens with my desire to control and judge others?
[00:34:44] Flynn: Who do I become in conflict? How do I approach conflict differently? And if, if I'm no longer seeing that I need this thing, Thing to change in order for me to get what I want, because I already have what I want. And I understand the [00:35:00] process of transforming this thing is going to be a process of amplifying what I want.
[00:35:05] Flynn: If there's a willing participant, if this other person wants to engage in the process of amplifying this together and they want the same thing, what happens? Do I, do I still have this need to judge and control? So what we're getting at here is, is that you, part of what makes conflict stale, stagnant, repetitive, keeps you trapped in the loop of the same conflicts over and over.
[00:35:32] Flynn: One of the things is that you don't understand on a deeper level yet. Or you haven't yet. You're not understanding what you actually want. The internal experiences you want as a result of this external thing changing. One of the things that's getting in the way of understanding what you want on a deeper level is that you think that your judgments are the wrong thing to do and that they're bad or just because they're your desire to control and judge is, is your ego that that means that there's not valuable material in it and it doesn't [00:36:00] fit in with the.
[00:36:00] Flynn: Template of being like enlightened person or, or good person. So you repress it. So when you repress it, you then miss out on the opportunity to understand what you actually want. And if you don't understand what you want, then one, you can't know if the other person wants the same thing. Like maybe they don't want peace and joy.
[00:36:20] Flynn: Uh, and, and if you don't understand what you want, they, they probably do. But. But if you don't understand what you want, then you're not going to be able to use conflict resolution as a practice of cultivating what it is that you want. And if you don't know what you want, the internal experience, then even if you have it, you won't know that you have what you want because you don't know what you want.
[00:36:41] Flynn: So if you were to come up with a solution for the conflict, but your focus is on the external, like this person needs to change this exact thing in this way, and this is how they need to do it. And I'm not aware that what I actually want is peace and relaxation. I, my awareness is controlled and fixed on, uh, them changing this certain thing in this [00:37:00] specific way.
[00:37:01] Flynn: Then if actually I do end up accessing more peace and relaxation, I won't even know it. So it sets you up to just operate. One, like what I hope you're taking away with is just a permission to move closer to your judgments and, and a sense of competency and actually being able to do that, um, like giving yourself permission for your psyche to exist as it is and view other people.
[00:37:24] Flynn: All of it with awe, wonder, and curiosity, because it's not the thoughts. It's not the hateful or the controlling or the judgmental thoughts that define you. It's the way that you relate to those things that define you. So if what you're devoted to is, let's say, awe, wonder, which is. Two things that I'm absolutely devoted to.
[00:37:43] Flynn: The question is, is, are you relating to your judgment and desire to control as a practice of cultivating on wonder? Are you curious about how on wonder might be relating to the judgments that you have about this person? And then when you're able to do that, you're just able to, you're able to approach conflict with [00:38:00] so such a great sense of empowerment, groundedness, actual acceptance, like actual.
[00:38:06] Flynn: Actual acceptance, because if you already have what you need in abundance and infinite supply, you don't need anything to change, but you can harmonize with things and co create change again, if there's consent and if you have a willing participant, then it's another thing that, uh, that this model and this framework allows you to do is to see clearly, if you actually do have a willing participant, because a lot of the times when you're up, like when you don't know what you want and you're not holding yourself responsible for cultivating what you want.
[00:38:36] Flynn: You, you spend a lot of time forcing people to change and they might be giving you evidence that they're not a willing participant. Like they don't want the same things you want, but you think they should want the same things you want because you're operating with the inferiority superiority model and the model of how things should be.
[00:38:52] Flynn: And that's okay. We want to understand that, but you're just stuck in that. So you're not able to see like, Oh, this person just doesn't want the same thing as [00:39:00] me. So rather than forcing them to change, I'm going to just invest into people in places who want something similar, who wants similar internal experiences and have a similar capacity to co create, uh, and who are curious about learning how to be even better at co creating.
[00:39:14] Flynn: Um, so what I'd love for you to do this week is to select. One pattern situation or person that is aggravating you, annoying you, frustrating you, causing fear, anger, hurt, get a journal or maybe two pieces of paper and give yourself about 30 minutes and go through the process that we just ran through above.
[00:39:38] Flynn: Um, I also. Release this in much shorter format as a newsletter a couple of weeks ago. So you can search your email. Now, as you gain a deeper understanding of what you actually want, the internal experiences that you want, are you finding it easier to dance with your own judgments and your own internal world and your psyche?
[00:39:56] Flynn: Are you feeling more empowered to communicate your experience [00:40:00] and work on permanent solutions with other people? That's my hope. I'm excited to get your feedback, um, and to see if this, this worked for you. Again, as always, thank you so, so much for being here. I, it just means the world to me that you're a person who's committed to creating a beautiful internal and external world.
[00:40:20] Flynn: What we're speaking about here, I think is, um, again, it's like, I don't know of a better model. I think this is absolutely necessary. For being the change that you wish to see in the world. And I think that being the change that you wish to see in the world is the absolute best strategy for producing external transformation and actually creating the changes that we want to see.
[00:40:45] Flynn: I'm open to better models. Absolutely. I've just never been presented another better, better model. This is the best one that I currently know of the being the change you wish to see. Um, but I am open to better models. I love improving my frameworks. Thank you all. I appreciate [00:41:00] you so much.