How to Stop Hating Yourself

In this episode, I delve into my experience with self-hate and outline 3 of the most important factors in my experience of transcending it.

We will dive into concept of resonance and its profound impact on our actions and perspectives. I share my personal journey of self-realization, beginning at the age of 18, where I encountered fear, insecurity, and the struggle of self-perception. I explore the pursuit of perfection as a response to self-hatred and the realization that perfection isn't the antidote.

I discuss the experience of self-hate, existential crisis, and depersonalization, and what it’s like to forget who you are.

I then describe the transformative shift from self-hate to self-love, emphasizing the three essential elements that facilitated this change: the understanding that there's no such thing as good and bad, using systems theory for forgiveness and acceptance, and understanding what you actually want.

I further elaborate on the influence of systems theory on self-perception and the role it plays in acceptance and forgiveness, emphasizing that all systems move towards coherence, organization, and energetic efficiency.

Then we end with a piece on creating both internal and external environments that match your unique resonance and using your resonance to serve others and create beautiful evolution in the world.

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Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Flynn Skidmore podcast. My goal is to help you become exactly who you want to be. We're here to help you take your biggest, boldest, most beautiful vision for life and turn that vision into reality. Welcome back to the Flynn Skidmore podcast. Today we are speaking about how to stop hating yourself.

In particular, I'm going to share with you the three major shifts in perspective, shifts in going about life in different ways, um, that have helped me go from a place of immense self hatred to, I really, I would, I wouldn't even call it immense self love. I would just call it immense love. Um, When I, when I had an experience of, let's call it waking up, um, when I was about 18 and I started to recognize all of the ways in which things about me and my patterns and the persona I was trying to project to the world, when I, when I started to see like, oh my God, all of these things are, um, they're transcripts They're, they're attempts to pretend that my fear and insecurity isn't here.

There are attempts to pretend that, um, like I, I feel there's a part of me that feels valueless and I don't know where I exist on the, in the hierarchy and on the totem pole and I want to appear like I exist towards the top, but I'm afraid that I don't actually exist up there. So I'm going to figure out how to present myself to the world, uh, in such a way that tricks people into thinking that I'm at the top or towards the top of whatever totem pole or hierarchy.

And, um, I mean, maybe in some ways it, it works to produce a certain level of status, but not that I was like super, super high status, but even, even in the achievement of a certain level of status, if it's what I've found is that if it's motivated by this, like, pretension, this shoving away of fear and insecurity and shame, then you never actually get the thing that you're looking for.

I imagine that you could have all the status in the world, and if your pursuit of status is primarily motivated by trying to hide away shame, fear, and insecurity, then yeah, you could achieve You could be top dog. You could be number one. And I don't think you'd actually get what you wanted. Um, and when I started to see all these things about myself and see these patterns, and a lot of it was like, um, I think it was like a lot of it had to do with relationships with girls, I guess, young women, I would call it.

Um, and. like using relationships and sex and intimacy as a form of validation. Um, when I started, when I started to see clearly, like, Oh my God, I feel totally worthless and terrified internally. I don't think I'm going to be able to create anything in my life. I see that this path, this thing that I've done throughout, like basically all of high school, An early college, um, has been a way of, of showing the world, Oh, I am something here is this.

I can access this thing that you probably want. And so you're going to see me as something that I think I need to be seen as. But the truth is, is that I've, I've, I'm terrified that I don't have any value or anything to offer or I don't have any work ethic. And when I, when I noticed these patterns in myself, when I saw, um, Or when I was like making these connections and I, and I saw the truth of the fear and the insecurity underneath the patterns, I could, I couldn't unsee it and I hated it.

I hated my patterns. I hated the things that I was doing. I hated my fear and my insecurity and. One of the things that, um, like what, what I felt compelled to do, what I, I had this idea that like, okay, so the truth of me, like at the core, the core of my essence is this like weakness, this like asymmetry of energy.

I don't even totally remember how I was. I had this idea that there was such a thing as the. the core, like the center, the center essential piece. And if I could dig my way to the core of who I was and find that thing that's asymmetrical and imperfect, uh, and then force it to change and force it into perfection, whatever that thing is at the core of my being and my essence, turning it into perfection would, uh, reverberate and resonate through me.

It would become my cells and then my tissues and, uh, my organs and my organ systems and my purse. Then my. personality and my, um, like aura and my energy and how I related to people. Like I, I thought that the alternative to hating myself, or I thought that the alternative to not, not hating myself, I thought that the alternative to these patterns, um, of fear, insecurity, I guess, worthlessness or fear that there's little worth or little value.

I thought that the antidote was perfection. Um, and I hated that I wasn't yet the thing that I thought was the antidote. And I thought I needed to be the thing that I thought was the antidote immediately and rush the process. And I hated the idea of slow contiguous change and a slow iteration, slow development over time.

Like I needed it now. I needed to have, uh, the changes immediately. So. Internally it's like, okay, well, not only am I now aware of all of these patterns that, um, of these patterns of fear and insecurity. So they've, they've been here, but now I'm aware of them and I hate them and I feel this immense sense of urgency to change them immediately.

They need to change now. Um, Really, really difficult. I mean, the experience of that is like not knowing how to be a self, not knowing how to be a person. Um, not knowing who I am, not knowing how to interact. I remember like I was, I would observe other people like at school or whatever. Um, and I'd be so, Envious, not like envy, not like weird, like wanting to like wear their skin envy, but I would just be like, Oh my God, like why do they have such an easy time being themselves?

Like, why is that so difficult for me? Why am I experiencing such paralysis? Um, it's really, really difficult. It's also really interesting to get feedback from that time of my life because I don't think that people had any idea that I was going through something like that, which is actually really fascinating to consider.

Um, I don't know what that speaks to, like the, the low levels of awareness of it. 19 year olds, uh, their low levels of awareness of other people's inner worlds. I don't know. Um, uh, it really surprises me that no one was picking up on me experiencing this like immense existential crisis, uh, this immense, like derealization and depersonalization.

So, okay. So that. As part of that, like the part of the like pursuit to find my essence and to make my, find the imperfections and the asymmetries of my essence and to perfect my essence. Um, you know, it did, it did spur me on, on a journey of learning and self understanding and discovery. And it was, it was motivated by self hate.

Um, And you've probably heard me speak about before, like there's a particular form of self awareness, two, let's call it two forms of self awareness. There's self hatred, self awareness or shameful self awareness and then loving self awareness or maybe even loving awareness. Um, and I will say like the shameful, the hateful self awareness.

Was useful like it spurred action. It, it really did. Um, not action that felt good. It was like sludge trying to sprint through quicksand action. Um, but it did, it did do something and I really appreciate it now. I, I re you know, it's a, it's a strange thing. This may sound strange to hear, but I appreciate myself for being willing to hate myself so much.

Truly, because I think I hated myself, um, to an extraordinary degree. And I think swinging in that direction of the pendulum of self hate actually created the space to, um, access love to an extraordinary degree. Um, and there's something very interesting about that. Like the willingness to hate ourselves so deeply, um, creates an interesting kind of momentum.

Um, and ultimately, like, Ultimately, I got out of it. It, it really was like there was enough self hate to get me to a place where, um, I don't know. I, I, I don't, I just don't see, I could be wrong, but I just really don't see myself. Going back to that place. It's like the things that I've learned and the things that I've experienced.

I don't think I can unsee them and I might be wrong tomorrow. I might spend the rest of my life hating myself, but I just, if I'm, if I'm going with a probability, I think it's probable that I'll, I'll not go back there. Um, so I want to speak about. Uh, three of the things that three of the things that, that have been the most helpful.

And there are a lot of things that have been really helpful. I'm going to speak about three of the, the most essential internal world things and perspective shifts and ways of viewing and relating to the world that have been the most helpful for me. Um, and then I'll talk about. touch a little bit on some of the external conditions that have, uh, supported the process.

Um, really what I mean by that is I'll just touch on the idea that external conditions can support the process. Um, okay. So the, the three elements seem to be essential in going from this experience of immense self hatred to, um, love. Um, maybe we can call it resonance are, are these three, there's no such thing as good, bad.

Number two, using systems theory for forgiveness and acceptance. And number three is understanding what you actually want. Okay. So I had this moment when I was probably 23, um, sitting at this campfire. The bunch of people around me stuck in my head, like kind of like wanting to be like guy who's quiet, like looking at the fire and deep thought, but like also in deep thought, but like also wanting that identity, which is so annoying.

Um, like flames, like flickering in the lighting on my face. Like I wanted that. Um, but I was also in deep thought and probably a little bit high. Um, And I remember in this moment as I'm processing thoughts, like all in my head, like always in my head, trapped in there, always thinking about something. And I was thinking about.

The idea occurred to me and it seems so obvious now, but the idea occurred to me that, whoa, the way that I've been living my life, like forcing myself into perfection, I have been operating with this underlying unconscious assumption that There's something watching me like some external authority or external entity who is rejecting the things that I'm rejecting, who like hates, who thinks that the things that I hate about myself are bad.

And I think I'm like supposed to hate that. those things in order to appeal to this entity and communicate that, like, I, I hate these things. I know that they're bad. Um, and that this thing like only accepts whatever I thought was perfection at the time. And I think the thing that I thought was perfection was not having any insecurities or not having any weakness or not needing other people.

Um, and okay, so I, I realized like, Whoa, I've been operating like any, any, any indications within me that demonstrate or, um, like exhibit fear, insecurity, weakness. I'm operating with the thought that this external entity is, is like, sees that as incorrect or bad. Um, And that I need to like somehow present myself as this perfect insecurity lists, no weakness, no fear, not needing anyone perfect being of like silence and perfect posture.

And like, like resonate with whole universe, like meditation, like God is really what I thought the alternative was, was to become a God. Uh, and I thought I needed to do that, that that's, that's what the antidote was. Um, and I, and I realized I was like, okay, well. There probably is no external entity who's like really all that caught up with good and bad.

And I've been operating like there really is such a thing as good and bad. And I've been really trying to be the thing. I've been really hoping that figuring out how to be the thing that's good or be the thing that's perfect is going to be the thing that creates some kind of safety. But the pursuit of being the thing that's good or like godliness or like spiritual perfection, um, the pursuit of that is creating immense hate.

So What if there is no such thing as good and bad, and there's probably not any such thing as good and bad that that was an early, early perspective shift for me, which freed me up to start to play with, um, It just freed me up a little bit to start to play with accessing a little bit less in my head analytical about what's good and bad.

How do I like appeal to the external entity as the spiritually perfect being and a little bit more openness, a little bit more playfulness. It nudged me a little bit and it was important. Okay. So let's go to, to number two, which is systems theory, um, for forgiveness and acceptance. And this is something that I started to learn about probably four or five years later.

And just to be clear, like from at, at all of these stages, I'm con I I'm living every day. Like it's like, I'm in war. Like every day I'm waking up. feeling like I have to be perfect and perfectly successful today, but I wasn't perfectly successful at all. Like I was really creating no, like remarkable, uh, external things at all.

Uh, it was more like, like sprinting, exerting so much energy, but not really getting anything done kind of thing. Um, but I kept going, like kept pushing, kept trying. Um, And it did get a little bit better, a little bit better, a little bit better. Okay. So, so let's go to systems theory. Um, I started to adopt a systems perspective at probably actually, it was probably like more like 25, 26.

Um, I just recently wrote a newsletter about systems theory. Uh, it'd be helpful for you if you, if you went and took a look at that. Um, Also in that newsletter, I recommend this book called thinking and systems by, I think her name is Danella Meadows. It's a really, really, really good book. And if you're familiar with internal family systems, um, systems theory is the.

Foundational theory for internal family systems theory. So when they say internal family systems, we're not talking about like your family system exists within you. And here's the constellation of your mom and dad. Um, it's more like, uh, what is it more like? It's more like, here's this hammock, this web of, uh, related, Parts and intricate vortices of your psyche, like places where their relationships connect and whole universes exist.

Um, maybe we can call it whole solar systems exist within you and here's how they relate to each other. Um, so yeah, anyway, so, but what I want to say for forgiveness and acceptance is, is systems theory. What, what systems theory did for me and what it continues to do for me is help me understand that.

Okay. One, nothing is in isolation. Everything is a system. So from your atoms to your molecules, to your cells, to your Tissues to your organs, to your organ systems, to you as a thing, to your closest relationships, to your culture, your society, your planet, your solar system, your universe. Everything exists as a system.

Uh, and no systems exist in isolations, but systems do have boundaries. So like your cell has a cell membrane, which distinguishes the cell as a system from, um, the cells around it, which then create. Tissue and the cell membrane, it, it engages in osmosis. So like stuff comes in, stuff goes out. I think osmosis is stuff comes out too.

I can't remember. Um, so it's, it's relating, it's exchanging information with the world around it and it's exchanged with the world around it. is informing the internal operation of the cell. Um, so it's understanding what the environment is like based on its exchange of information through the cell membrane.

And it's understanding of the environment is what informs how, how the cell as an individual, uh, functions, how it competes for space, how it competes for resources, how it expresses itself. Um, and the, and the more, um, It's really beautiful is that the more, the more freely and clearly your cells are able to communicate with one another, the more they understand that they're part of a collective serving a greater purpose.

And somehow each of yourselves knows like the image and the morphology of your body to form and contributes to participating in this system that forms this shape of your body with these complexes. Like it's crazy, but that. That thing exists at every level from yourselves to you, to your relationship with other people, um, to culture, society, the universe, that's, that's what's happening at every scale.

Um, now a couple, a couple of things to note about systems, um, higher order systems have an easier time influencing lower order systems than the other way around. So higher order system is you you. Uh, well, so it's relative. So you are a higher order system relative to your organs. Your organs are a higher order system relative to your cells.

So if you are feeling a little bit distressed and you say, I want to, um, relax, You can, you can make a choice about what state you want to be in and you can make a choice about, uh, you can make choices about what actions you take, um, to influence lower order systems. So you might say, okay, I'm going to close my eyes.

I'm going to breathe. I'm going to feel my feet on the ground that influences your organs and, uh, your organ systems, which then influences your organs, which then goes all the way down to your cells. Now, it, it doesn't work as efficiently the other way around. So if one of your cells, if, if your body is in a state of distress and one of your cells is like, you know what, I don't like this.

I want to be relaxed. Um, that cell is. Going to have a really difficult time, like influencing its way up the system, that cell is going to have a hard time communicating with you, um, unless it somehow figures out how to communicate, motivate and influence, um, all the other cells in your body or all the surrounding cells, um, to start really to start a revolution, um, is what that would be.

That's like bottom up change. Interesting to think about. Okay. So here's, here's some of the things in systems theory that are super important for acceptance and forgiveness. What we understand about systems is that every system, like if we measure this in all systems, um, and I, and maybe there's evidence that contradicts this, I'm not aware of that evidence.

I'm only aware of the evidence that supports the idea that All systems are moving in the direction of coherence, organization, and energetic, efficiently efficiency. So think what that, what that's like is like, think about a sound wave, like up, down, up, down, up, down, smooth lines, like in rhythm, boom. Boom, boom, boom.

Okay. That's coherence. That's organization. That's energetic efficiency. You, your body, your mind, your heart, your everything, um, fish, solar systems are, are seek to be moving in that womb. Um, Um, Um, state because it's energetically efficient. They don't have to spend that much energy to be there and they get a lot of, you get a lot of gain for being in a state like that.

Everything is moving in that direction, trying to access that. So what you can say about that, you know, when people talk about like, You innately understand how to heal like your body already has the wisdom of healing Your nervous system knows how to heal that kind of stuff what they're really talking about is Your nervous system is already moving in the direction of organization and coherence It wants to be a smooth steady rhythm It's moving in that direction direction.

It's healing. I'm putting that in quotes because I'm not even sure what that is. But healing is about finding the elements, the parts of you that, um, are dissonant that like don't think that it's appropriate or safe or a match for the environment to be in a steady, slow state. They, these are parts of you that think that The, the more appropriate way to survive and to navigate your environment is to be in a state of, let's say chaos, um, and unpredictability like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Um, just think about like, think about the difference between my boom, Boom. And my boom, like, like think about the energetic expenditure of both of those things, right? The like random chaotic one versus the steady, slow one. Like I could feel myself using more energy to do the random chaotic one, which is interesting to think about.

So your nervous system is moving towards that state of steady, coherent organization, smoothness. Um, it wants that and it knows how to do that. It knows how to organize. It already has the things available to it. In order to organize. And now some, you know, on the, on the one hand, the, the human nervous system, the human brain is, is the most like it's pound for pound is the most complex system that we know of in the universe.

And when we're talking about complexity, we're basically talking about bits of information and the relationship between those bits of information within a given, uh, space. So I think, I think the, the human brain is the most densely complex thing that exists in the universe that we're aware of, which is really.

Crazy to think about. Um, really fascinating. So It, it's not like, like, yes, the nervous system is special, but it's not like the human nervous system is special and like sacred healing. Like you, you're, you're a human, so you're special. So you know, it's more like organization is a principle that's built into the, the habits and the patterns of the universe.

It's the thing that happens. Okay. So here's the thing about energetic efficiency. And systems, a system, a person, a cell, an organ in any given moment, the state that it's in is a perfect match to how it's experiencing and perceiving the inputs. So If a cell is in a state of chaos, the cell, like, is not just randomly in a state of chaos.

That's in response to the information that it's getting from its environment and how it's perceiving its environment and the relationship between its internal and its external worlds. And if it's Generate if it's been exposed to enough information that lets it know that this isn't a safe environment in order to operate in a steady, smooth state like this environment.

It's a better survival strategy would be to be in a state of chaos. That's what the cell is going to do. It's not just like this random thing that like by the touch of God, the cell just starts to operate in a state of chaos. Maybe that can be true sometimes. But if we're looking at the general trajectory of things, I think we can say with confidence that like, maybe that happens 5 percent of the time, potentially even less.

Um, and that brings up a really interesting question of like, does randomness exist? Um, some people say yes, some people say no. Um, in any given moment, the state that your nervous system is in the state that you are in is a reflection. Of what you as a system of systems perceive as the exact right thing that you need in order to successfully navigate your environment.

Now So like if you are in a consistent state of hatred or shame or chaos or anger or whatever it is, like we can go back, if we were to go back to the beginning of the universe, if there is such a thing, and we were to somehow account for. And consider every event that's ever happened in every single atom.

We would arrive in this moment and see your pattern of chaos and we'd be like, yeah, of course. Like that's, that is the most, this is a system that's moving towards energy efficiency, but given these trillions upon trillions upon trillions of inputs that this system is navigating across all time and space, this is the most energetically efficient thing that this system could possibly be doing.

It couldn't be any other way than exactly as it is. It could not be any other way than exactly as it is. In this moment, you could not to be any other way than exactly as you are and what you are right now. Even if you are in a state of chaos, is given an accounting of all. All of the trillion, the exponential trillions of factors at play the most perfectly energetically efficient state.

But that doesn't mean it's the ideal state. It means that it's the state that's perfectly adapted to All of the systems and the inputs at play, all of the factors at play. You are a perfect adaptation to that. Now it's a really interesting perspective. This is like a, um, really, really beautiful. I think Dallas perspective that, um, everything is perfect as it is and it gets to be better.

So you are. I think, I think what motivates a lot of self hatred is like this idea that things could be different other than exactly what they are right now. Like this moment could be different than what it is. It couldn't. This moment, all of the things that are beautiful, all of the things that are horrendous is the most perfectly adapted moment that could, that could exist given the trillions upon trillions upon trillions upon trillions upon trillions of inputs.

Where wisdom comes in is saying, okay, this is, this moment is perfect as it is, and it gets to be better. So I'm going to see perfection, not as this thing that exists without flaws or things to improve, but just as something in perfection is I think it just means that it is, it given the inputs, it's the most perfectly adapted state.

Now, this moment, if we could go back to the beginning of time and account for every single thing, if there is such a thing as beginning time, some people think there's not, and we could account for every single thing that's ever happened. We would see, again, I just want to emphasize this. We would see that this moment could not be different than what it is.

It's the perfect adaptation to all of the inputs. That's really what acceptance is. It's Understanding that this couldn't be different than what it is. It's, it's not investing energy into being, um, uh, like forcing it to be different or investing energy into thinking it should be different or is supposed to be different or like arguing with people about how it's supposed to be different.

It's taking a look at what is. Understanding that what is gets to be better. It gets to be a better version of perfect based on what we do with the inputs. So if in this moment right now, there are going to be, if in or not, if in this moment right now, there are things that I like and there are things that I want to be better.

And it's my responsibility to recognize the elements of perfection that I like. And again, perfection is not mistake less, but it's, It's just more of like a perfect adaptation thing, probably use a better word for it. That's, you know, whatever. In this moment, it's my responsibility to recognize what I like and what I want to grow to take ownership of what I like.

I like flowers. I like people smiling. I like life. Do I know that those things are correct or true or good? No. And I would never make an argument that they are. I just know that I like them. I know that when I'm in the presence of smiles, uh, I feel, I like the way that I feel in my body. That's all I know.

And if I like that, then it's, and I want more of it, then it's my responsibility to grow it. It's my response. If I want more of it, I don't have to want more of it. But if I do, then it's my responsibility to grow it. And what that means is understanding how to engage and relate to the inputs in order to increase the power of this thing.

So how, if I like smiles and I want, and I want 9 billion people smiling and I really care about that. And I really want that experience because that's something that I like. Well, okay. How, like, how do I grow that? What is, where am I responsible for, for creating that? Uh, and, and where are the, uh, where do I have leverage?

Where are the opportunities to create that? Again, like, you don't have to like smiling. You don't have to want, uh, 9 billion people to smile. You don't have to want to create that. You don't have to want more of something. But if you, but, but if you, when you do own the truth of what you want, You'll probably want more of it and it's an internal experience that you want more of, which we'll get to in the third piece, but you're responsible.

You're responsible for growing it and creating it. And that's not, that's not like a, you're seven years old and here's like the chore chart and you get a gold star kind of responsibility. That's not what we mean. It means like. It means like it's not going to happen any other way than than you being the one who who takes ownership of what you like and takes ownership of becoming who you need to be in order to grow it and to get more of it.

And then there, then there are pieces in this moment of perfection that you don't like, and you want to be better. The gruesome, heinous, horrible, horrendous things, uh, and not even that far in the spectrum, just the things that you want to be better. Like this. Coffee doesn't taste that good. So I want it to be a little better.

There's a spectrum. Um, now when you recognize the things that you don't like, um, you, there are a few options. You, you can either be really compelled to change them. You're like, I love coffee. Um, so. I really, really would like to improve this cup of coffee or my coffee making process. Um, I want to have more of this experience when I'm having coffee.

So here are the tweaks that I'm going to engage in in order to transform this particular thing to become more of what I like. Um, So if it compels you, and that's even with like external like issues like inequality and unfairness and people being hurt, if something compels you, um, and you want it to be better, it's your responsibility to make it better.

Uh, and then the question is like, where's the leverage? Where are the inputs? Where's the opportunity to tweak the inputs here so that the thing. Because the thing already seeks harmony, coherence, organization, because we know all systems seek harmony, harmony, coherence, efficiency. So we, that's like a culture, that's a person, that's a country.

All systems are want harmony, coherence, and in any given moment doing the best that they can in the pursuit of harmony and coherence and whatever we're seeing in that moment, even if it's disharmonious and dissonant and destructive, Is. Transcription by CastingWords An honest pursuit of organization. It just might be wildly mistaken.

So if, okay, I think that's enough on that. Now here's, I want to say something about being compelled to change something because a lot of people pretend to be compelled to change something like an atrocity in the world, I think mostly because they're hoping to achieve the identity of a person who's compelled to change this particular thing.

And I think. I can appreciate it and understand it. I think that's a really low level of personal responsibility. Um, and. Yeah, I just, I just, I don't, I don't like that. I think that's ineffective. And I think that that approach, though it may, well, it may be slightly effective. I just think they're way more effective ways of, um, transforming things.

Um, Rather than to be to be invested in something changing externally, because you're hoping that people, I guess what it's called is virtue signaling signaling, but you're hoping that people perceiving you as a person who cares about this issue is going to get you belonging and status is a very interesting thing.

Um, so we want to. to change things. We want to change horrendous, atrocious things if we want to change them. But the question is, is like, are we holding ourselves responsible for becoming the person who's most empowered and competent and effective to actually change this thing? Or are we actually using this external issue as a proxy to, um, megaphone our own experience of disempowerment and using someone else's pain, um, so that we can speak about their pain and their disempowerment.

But actually we're speaking about our pain and disempowerment and like pretending that it's about other people. I know that that's a little bit harsh, but I really think that that's what happens. I used to do that. So I know it well, I'm super familiar with it. Um, I can understand it. I even think that that is the pursuit of organization, uh, and, and coherence, but I think it's something to be really, really mindful of because I think it's, um, at best ineffective.

Okay. So what I hope you're getting from this whole thing on systems theory is that like the major points are this moment couldn't be anything other than what it is, but this moment is seeking rhythm. It's seeking perfect rhythm, harmony and coherence, organization, boom, boom, boom. But whatever this moment is, if it's chaotic or imperfect and out like a, like a, like off rhythm, off beat, um, It's not because that just randomly happened.

That is the expression of that's the perfect adaptation to trillions and trillions and trillions of factors at play. It's the processing of an inconceivable amounts of information. Um, and it's just, it's just the thing that is the perfect adaptation and we can like it or we can not. And there, there it's actually, no, it's not that we can like it or not like it.

We got to be nuanced. There will be things that we like about it and then things that we don't like about it. And it's our responsibility to be super clear and nuanced about that. Be specific. What do I like? What do I want to grow? Who do I need to become in order to grow it? What do I not like? Um, and what would I rather that thing be?

And Who do I need to become in order to be most effective in transforming this thing from what I don't like into what I do like, or maybe I'm not actually compelled by this thing. Maybe I'm, the truth is, is that my, the reason I'm, I've been compelled is because I'm hoping that the world sees me as compelled because I think I need to be perceived that way, but I'm not actually that compelled.

I'm more compelled to do this other thing that this other thing is what I care more about. Um, and sometimes you're not compelled and. Um, and that's okay because other people will be compelled to, to transform that thing. And ideally those other people who are compelled are operating at the, are eager to operate at the highest level of transformation where they understand that it's really all about becoming the change that you wish to see.

Um, but I just, I wanted to make that point that like, I've spent a lot of time forcing myself to be compelled about stuff that was more about hoping to be perceived a certain way is like achieving a certain identity. Um, and I, and I think, and I've found in my experience that there are much more effective, um, much more effective ways.

Okay. So, and, and, and what that, okay. What that has done for me, like operating with this system's perspective, seeing things this way, just just created an immense amount of acceptance, like no longer investing energy into thinking that things should be or supposed to be different than what they are, they are what they are.

And within that. They are what they are. They couldn't be any other way than what they are in this moment. And within that, there's nuance. There's things that we like, things that we don't like. We can grow what we like, which requires taking ownership of what we like, and we can transform what we don't like, or we can not be compelled to transform it.

Um, yeah, I'm interested to, to see how that lands for you. Okay. Number three is understanding what you want. All right, let's, let's use this example. Let's say I was having a conversation, an amazing conversation, um, with someone important to me yesterday, uh, about free will and, and fate. Some of the smartest people in the world for the history of time have argued or the history of civilization.

Um, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe even before civilization, I've argued, I've, I've argued, which is true free will or fate. Now, here's, here's the thing that people don't take into consideration often when they're engaging in, ah, at best dialogue at worst, um, projection. Here's the thing that people aren't considering when they're engaging in like, oh, let's say arguments about that kind of stuff.

So if, if two of the smartest, if, if, if let's say two of the smartest people in the world are having a conversation, one thinks free will is the truth. The other person thinks fate is the truth. So predetermination or determinism versus like, no, there is no such thing. You can. You're creating your reality.

There's nothing predetermined. You can do what you want. And let's say, let's say one is on the side of free will. The other is on the side of determinism and they're both making incredible arguments for both smartest people in the world. IQs of like one 45, absolutely crushing it. Incredible points. What they're probably not taking into consideration is the function of their perspective in terms of who they become when they see the world a particular way.

So, let's say it's like this. Let's say when I see When I see that there's such thing as free will and I ask, well, what does that do for me? And then I say, Oh, well, that makes me feel like more empowered to make choices right now. And if I'm more empowered to make choices right now, then, um, I feel like more empowered.

And if I feel more empowered, then I feel more confident. And if I feel more confident, then I have more fun and I'm more loving. And if I'm more fun and I'm more loving and here's where we get to what we really want, then I'm resonating more. Okay. So what I actually so feel that in your body, right? Feel the resonance and see how we go from this journey to thinking that like we're trying to capture some objective truth about how reality works, that like it's free will, but actually what we are hoping to do is to produce this function of resonance in our body and we are thinking that we need to see the world or see that the truth of the world is that there's free will in order to access resonance.

Now let's take a look at the, the. The fate person, maybe that person says, well, Oh, that lets me know that there's a God who's got a predetermined plan. If I know that that's true, um, then I get, um, then I get to relax because I know I'm taking care of. And if I get to relax because I know I've taken care of, I feel more confident.

If I feel more confident, I get to make more bold decisions. If I make more bold decisions, trusting that there's a God looking out for me, then I feel more empowered. And if I feel more empowered, then I have more joy. And if I have more joy. Then I'm resonating. Both people want the same thing, every single thing.

And this goes back to the organization, the coherence thing, every single thing that everyone. Ever does every perspective, they hold every way or every way of seeing the world, every way they operate, every piece of their identity, every opinion, everything, every action, everything, every time someone ghosts, someone, every, the underlying driver, though, most people are not aware of this is that they're hoping that that thing is going to give them access to resonance.

They're hoping that thing is going to give them access to the experience of their body of womb, womb, womb. Power, life, electromagnetism, people just don't know that they're hoping to have an experience in their body when, as a result of holding a particular expected perspective, and then what they don't do is be discerning about.

Okay. So, okay. So the goal of this, who I'm hoping to become and what I hope to access as a result of free will being true is I'm hoping to resonate. Okay. I got, I got that. But let's take a look at my patterns. Okay. So when I believe that free will is the truth and that fate is incorrect, uh, or, or not the truth, who, And, and I'm like, and I'm like, like really connected to that idea, like free will is the truth.

That's how reality works. Um, but then I get in arguments with people about that and I'm defending my position. Well, who do I become when that happens? Am I getting what I want? Am I resonating? No, I collapse. I'm operating in this like disorganized, incoherent, non rhythmic state. I'm pretending to know things that I don't actually know.

And I'm like, I've read one quarter of a book and I'm pretending like I've read all of the person's work and why this perspective is right on free will. And then I feel guilty and ashamed after cause it feels weird to argue about stuff. And I know I'm pretending to know stuff like, no, I'm not resonating.

And so what's happening there is Your mind thinks that in order to get what you want, you have to know something to be true. You have to pretend to be a certain person. You have to achieve an identity. It's the identity of, um, being person who like can prove that free will is true. And, and it's not that it's good or bad.

It's just not producing the intended result. The intended result of thinking that there's such a thing as free will is to resonate, but your experience of needing free will to be true. Is such that you're not resonating as much as you might like to. And that's where things get really interesting and liberating is to understand that every single thing that everyone is doing, every single thing, the worst things that people do, the best things that people do is an attempt.

When we break it down, when we distill it to its simplest form is an attempt to resonate what I would, what I really, really would like the world to understand. Is that when, when we are operating in the space of black and whiteness of thinking that things should be different than they are of forcing things to change, of thinking that I have the truth and this other person doesn't, it's not that it's good or bad, it's just that it's not producing the intended results, which is to resonate.

So the question becomes what's, what's the, okay, so, uh, the question then becomes, what's the resonant? Way of seeing this, what's the resonant way of engaging with the idea of free will versus fate? Um, what, what, like, what, how, how would resonance like to experience itself through me as it, as it considers these perspectives and, um, you know, if, if I can't know that either are true, then I, that means that I get to pick one.

I get to pick the perspective that aligns with the experience that I want to have while I'm here. Thank you. Also, then this is really important, never tricking myself into thinking that the perspective that I've chosen is true in any objective sense. It's just a tool that I'm using because it makes it easier for me to have the experience I want internally to resonate.

But you've heard me say this before, open to everything being true while needing nothing to be true. But I don't need. I don't need free will to be true in order to resonate. I'm resonating. I'm resonating with anything. I'm yeah, cool. I like free will. I like that idea. I actually, I actually, I'm not actually stating my opinion.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure which one I like. Um, I, yeah, I'm not sure. Maybe free will is more fun. Um, I, um, So I'm resonating regard, like whether or not this thing is true, I'm resonating and I know how to resonate and I know what I do the way that I live my life. I'm not saying me. I'm saying this as the theft.

You know what I'm saying? Like, as if we're all saying this, but also this is what I do. Um, I live my life as if I'm, I'm, you know, Always eager to acknowledge the dissonance in me, always eager to acknowledge the ways in which I'm not resonating because I trust myself to be able to resonate with the parts of me that are chaotic and dissonant and afraid and insecure, which goes back to a systems theory thing of.

like moving in the direction of coherence and harmony and organization, um, systems want to move in that direction. And a beautiful thing that happens is when you meet dissonance with resonance. So when I'm meeting chaos within me with resonance, with like steady state curiosity, not forcing anything to change, just boom.

Boom, boom, that boom, boom, boom. The coherence of the organization invites in the dissonance, uh, and the chaos. And it helps the dissonance and the chaos find the rhythm within it. It helps steady it without even having to really do anything other than just be like, Hey, I'm resonant. I see that you're freaking the fuck out.

That's okay. Like I'm still going to be resonant in your presence. Um, I want to be close with you. If you want, you don't have to want that. But if you want to be close to me, if you, if you're like sensing something in me, the organization, the coherence that you might like as well, well, I want you to experience that.

And, and I can help you with that by getting closer. Like we can get closer to each other. That's what I'm doing in my internal world. Um, and externally too, with other people, but primarily internally. Um, and, and then the dissonance, the chaos, it turns into resonance. So what we're talking about here is understanding what.

What you want, you know, early in my twenties, what I thought I wanted was this thing called like spiritual perfection and like force the force, the imperfections to change. And what I didn't understand what I was existing entirely, almost entirely in my head, like trapped in analysis and intellectualizing.

I didn't. know that what I was hoping by, by rejecting, by rejecting my insecurities and my fear, I was hoping to resonate. I was hoping that the rejection of myself and the hatred of myself would produce the result of resonance. Um, what it was producing was self hate. So it just wasn't producing the entire, the intended.

Uh, the intended results. Now, what I understand is that everything that I want, everything that I do, everything that everyone wants, everything that everyone does, everything, everyone says, every single thing is, uh, is motivated by a pursuit of accessing resonance. Another way of saying that is it was motivated by the pursuit of accessing love, safety, and belonging.

Um, fundamentally what that is, is resonance and rhythm. Um, and. And to help things resonate, all you have to do is meet it with resonance. You don't have to force it to change. The resonance just happens because systems know how to operate, like inherently have that understanding of how to operate, how to organize, how to be coherent, how to communicate.

It's built. Remember that thing I was saying about the nervous system? Like it's not special. It is special. It's the most complex thing in the universe pound for pound, but it's also not special. It's just operating with a set of principles that exist all the time. From atoms to galaxies and solar systems, things know how to organize things, know how to be coherent.

They're moving in that direction. All you have to do is, um, meet, meet them, learn to meet things with coherence and you transform things into coherence. It's absolutely beautiful, liberating, empowering, incredible. It's a way of escaping your mind. Well, I won't necessarily say it's the way of escaping your mind, um, but it's what happens as you, maybe this isn't important to make this distinction, but it's, it's more like, as you learn to escape your mind, you learn to resonate more.

And the, and the more you learn to resonate, the The more you get to escape your mind and use your mind as a tool, not hoping that like finding objective truth, not like knowing the truth or being certain about stuff, not hoping that that's going to be the thing that keeps you safe. And you've heard me say the unknown is the safest place in the universe.

And when you trust yourself in the unknown, you're immensely powerful. What we're talking about there is trusting your capacity to resonate, trusting your capacity to resonate. Trust me. Even in the scariest, most hellish of places. If you trust that about yourself, if you know that you can resonate in the presence of, and in relation to the most chaotic and dissonant of things, then there's nothing to be afraid of.

Like you want the unknown. You trust yourself to resonate in the unknown. And I would just, I'm just like, I deeply invite you to, uh, pursue that for your life. I really, really. Because it is remarkable. Okay. I said I would touch on external things. So a trap that people get themselves into with like spirituality and development is, um, thinking that they're, they should be able to resonate and access peace with any external circumstances.

And I do think that that's an ideal to hold, but I also think that, um, Ah, that sets people. This is how I think about it. You, you are unique. You have a unique rhythm. You have a unique resonance, a unique, a unique rhythm to you. That's never been played before a particular unique version of, uh, yeah, I'll just say it again.

Resonance that remember when we were talking about likes and dislikes. The more you own the truth of what you like and build a world around you that is, uh, informed by and inspired by what you like, the more you grow, what you like, the more you're creating an external environment that has resonance in it.

And the more your external environment has resonance in it, the more you resonate, it's not just an internal game. And I think a lot of people are hoping that it's just an internal game, uh, because I don't know why. Because maybe that's like spiritual ideals that we've all read about. Or maybe people are afraid that they're not going to be able to create the external circumstances or conditions.

Maybe people are afraid of owning the truth of what they actually like and what they want. I'm just telling you, like when you build resonance into your external environment. It's so fucking, you just wake up in the morning and you're resonating because you've built an external environment that has the music in it.

The the music is on as soon as you wake up in the morning because you love your sheets and you love the way your bed is positioned and you love your bedroom and you love that, you get access to the sunshine. However, whatever you like, you could like a cold, wet, damp basement. If you resonate with that, then create that.

But whatever, whatever you like, you have to create it externally. Um. It's resonance, it's creating an orchestra, it's sound, it's, it's, it's sound waves. What you have to pay attention to, what you like, you have to, you don't have to, I'm sorry, you don't have to, you're not obliged to, I'm just passionate about this.

Like you need to, your soul needs to. So let me actually just use that passionate language. You have, you have to, I'm going to use flow language. You get to pay attention to what you like. You get to. Own the truth of what you like. You get to say, this is what I like. There's no, I don't need any rationale or reason.

I don't need some external authority to say that this is good or I'm allowed to have this. I like this. This resonates, this is resonant in my body and I want more of this and I don't know that wanting more is a good or a bad thing. I just know I want more, so I'm going to create more. And I'm responsible for that.

So I'm going to create my external world in a way that matches my resonance. And I create that external world. And the more I create that external world, my, the way my home is, where I live, my friendships, my relationships, the way I make money, the more I create that external world of resonance, the more access to resonance I have.

And the more access to resonance I have, then the more access to resonance I have. Also, you know, then you get to operate or then you get to operate on like a very service oriented level. Like if you're resonating and you know, and you just have resonance and it's amplified, it's powerful, it's just in you, you are.

a resonant entity. You are an energetic asset and you, you can transform things in your unconscious so smoothly and efficiently. You help other people hear the music within themselves. You, that's where I was saying the thing before I got a little harsh before about the, um, the, um, pretending to be compelled about certain issues.

Um, I did get a little bit harsh on that, but I do feel that way. It is, it is annoying to me and frustrating, but that's also like, I'm not resonating with it. So I'm not holding myself accountable to having a more resonant perspective. Um, and I feel a little bit more resonant about it now. So, um, if you want to change the world, the best possible strategy is to learn how to resonate in a way that blankets the entire planet.

Like an electromagnetic field that that is my take on it. Um, and then to like in that process of resonance, like it, the beautiful thing about that is that can't happen unless you're operating in service of other people, you can't access that level of, uh, global magnetism and holding the world in a warm blanket of love and resonance and consideration.

You can't. Operate that amp, that amplitude in that, uh, you can't operate that magnitude unless you are living in service of, of other people. So it's a really beautiful mechanism that's built into resonance. Like it can only happen, it only happens in that exponential way if you're helping others resonate.

If you're helping others get what they want, which fundamentally is everyone, what everyone wants, whether it's 10 billion or a wife with massive implants or, uh, to live in like an eco community of like people who love the earth, whatever it is. Whatever it is that people want. Fundamentally, what they want is to resonate.

And what often happens is when you help people understand that what they want is to resonate, they, and they, and they understand that that's in their power. They may think differently about the nose job that they think they need in order to be beautiful. And maybe they want it. I like, I like when people alter things about that.

Like I, I, it's not necessarily like for me, but I love when people do the thing that they want to do. That's resonant. Um, but generally when people are like tied and attached to certain external things, like I'll, I'll only resonate when my nose looks different, but then they see that what they actually want is resonance.

And then they take responsibility for creating resonance. Like oftentimes people's ideas of what They want their external world to look like changes. It becomes more resonant, honestly, more, more sustainably and powerfully resonant. So I hope you found this valuable. These, uh, these are the things that have been some of the most powerful and effective helping me transition from immense self hate.

Actually, you know what? Let's call it resonance. Cause I was saying before, like, is it self love? Is it love? Like it's actually resonance is what it is. It's these are the things that have helped me go from immense self hate, which is like dissonance, chaos, lack of rhythm. Um, even though I did have good rhythm and was a good dancer when I, I hate it myself, um, to resonance.

These are, these are the things, these are the perspectives. These are the practices. These are the ways that I see the world that have helped at me access, uh, immense resonance. And it's my intention to spend the rest of my life amplifying the power of my resonance. Like for me, the goal is to, uh, I don't even know if this is measurable, but if it is, then I want to go for it.

I want to have a resonance that blankets the entire world. I even really like the idea of having a resonance that communicates with every particle, uh, in the entire universe. Um, I love that. That's what I'm going for. I think it's a worthwhile project. I invite you to join me and I hope you do. Thank you so much.