Beyond pampering with Annie Joy Carter.

Annie Joy Carter is a certified life coach with a psychology degree. She has worked for many years in the mental health field and is a single momma of 2 children. Her oldest child has Autism and ADHD. She helps moms who have lost themselves so they can come home to who they've always been.

Overview: Valerie and Annie explore what true self-care really means beyond the typical ideas of pampering. Together, they dive into meaningful self-care practices, the emotional journey of parenting children with special needs, and how persistence, playfulness, and honesty foster stronger connections with kids.

Key Takeaways:

• True Self-Care: Self-care redefined as more than just spa days. It's about everyday habits like staying hydrated, maintaining dental health, and keeping up with medical appointments for self that contribute to overall well-being.
• Annie’s Playful Parenting Style: Annie talks about her unique approach to parenting through play and silliness. She sings, plays games, and creates fun moments to foster cooperation and joy with her 10- and 11-year-old kids. She believes this approach can even work with teens!
• Building Lasting Connections: Valerie and Annie discuss the importance of consistency and persistence in building strong relationships with children, especially as they grow into teens. While Annie’s style focuses on humor and fun, Valerie highlights the role of steady presence and commitment.
• Grieving Lost Expectations:  This grief is not about rejecting the child but mourning the loss of the life they once imagined. It is important to process these feelings and to fully embrace their child’s unique journey.
• Emotional Honesty and Growth: Raw emotional honesty is crucial for both personal healing and growth. Processing difficult emotions like guilt and anger helps parents heal and become more present.
• The Father's Role in Grief: Annie sheds light on the emotional struggles fathers face, especially when societal expectations discourage them from expressing their grief and emotions openly.
• Self-Care Beyond Pampering: Annie emphasizes that self-care is not just about physical indulgences but involves deeper emotional work, such as letting go of guilt and acknowledging difficult emotions. 
• Fun and Lightness as Self-Care: Fun, laughter, and hobbies are integral to self-care. Valerie and Annie agree that incorporating joy through dancing, hobbies, and light-hearted moments helps parents and caregivers recharge.
• The Power of Community: Sharing experiences with other parents of special needs children is vital. You don’t have to do everything alone.

Connect with Annie:

Website:  https://anniejoy.com - Go here for the free  resource 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/anniejoy.speaks/

Live with Intention - Embrace the Journey.

Connect with me:

Valerie's Links: https://bit.ly/3RL0da2

Music Acknowledgement: Audio Coffee - Denys Kyshchuk

Editor: Scott Arbeau :)

Link for book: The S.H.I.N.E. Principle: The special needs mom's path to strength, hope and happiness by Valerie Arbeau

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0CW18ZXGX (Canada)

https://a.co/d/03hFdZI4 (United States)

Learn more about your host at:
https://coachingwithvalerieanne.com/

Transcript

A pedicure is not necessarily self-care because while that might be a break or whatever, it depends on how you feel after. Do you generally feel recharged? And have you done the other things to self-care like, brushing and flossing your teeth, going to the doctor, drinking water, eating, you know, eating things that will fill your body. Like if that's the only thing you're doing is going for mani/ pedis, I think that your self-care might be lacking. And I'm not to put a judgment, that is a reflection on are we taking care of our deeper needs?

Welcome everyone. I'm so glad you're here. And I'm so glad you're here because I want to introduce you to my guest for today. And I want you to give a warm welcome to Annie Joy Carter. Annie is a certified life coach with a psychology degree. She has worked for many years in the mental health field and is a single momma of two children. Her oldest has autism and ADHD. She helps moms who have lost themselves so that they can come home to who they've always been. Love that. Joy, welcome to the show.

Thank you. Thank you. I'm so happy to be here. I just love what you're doing and it's just so needed. It's very easy to feel lost and it's easy to feel lonely when you are a special needs mom. And I totally get that. And I just, I wish I had this resource when I was first starting my journey. So thank you for doing what you're doing.

You're very welcome. And I'm just so glad to have you be a part of it today.

All right, Annie, I usually start off with the same question for all my guests because I am curious and I just want to know a unique thing about you.

I love that question. So unique thing about me. There's so many weird, unique things about me, but probably the thing that's unique about me that has become a strength in my parenting is that I am level 10 silly a lot of the time. Like I will just make up songs. I sing my sentences. I just make things silly a lot. And my kids are still young. They're 10 and 11. And so they still think it's funny. I'm sure in a few years from now, they're going to hate it, but we're soaking it up for now because now they're here for it, you know? And actually, one time one of his teachers, my son's teachers, was saying something about his attention. I was like, yeah, if you get kind of playful, he gets attention. And she's like, what do you mean? So, I explained it to her and she's like, so basically, he has a cartoon character for a mom. I was like, a hundred percent. Yes, that is what we're dealing with. So, lots of crazy songs and just like playful games. And I really leaned into it as a mom because it's been helpful in our connection and I can get more cooperation with my kiddos when it's from a connective space. And so, yeah, I don't know a lot of people who sing all their sentences, but I do. So, you know, try it out sometimes, it’s pretty fun.

And I think the thing is, is just to roll with it. You don't have to rethink it. You don't have to premeditate it. You don't have to write out the songs. Just roll with it. Right? 

Whatever just comes out of your brain, you know, and it's going to sound dumb most of the time, but that's the beauty of it. It's the dumber it sounds, the funnier it is, you know? So… 

Exactly, and I love the fact that you brought up about connection because at the end of the day, that's what we want to have with our children is that connection. So whatever that bridge is to connecting with your child, just do it. That's what I would say. 

Yeah, absolutely. For us, my children, I have two, and they both are blessed with a dad that plays many instruments and loves to sing. So we do a lot of singing in our home. And I know when we've hired people to come and work with, especially our oldest who responds to music, that's one of the criteria is that you're going to have to be able to sing. My child does not care if you sing on key, you just need to sing. 

Yeah.

It's just meant to be a joyful experience. It's not a, you know, we're not on The Voice, you know, just it's great. And yeah, it's very fun. And especially younger kids, you really get on board. And so my kids aren't teens yet, but I would imagine if you have a teenager and you start being silly at first, they're going to be like, you're so cringe, you know, but they're probably going to get on board eventually, you know, because they go there resistant at first and you can't help it. You can't help but laugh when you're being silly. And so keep at it if you're wanting to try with older kiddos, just keep at it. And I bet you'll see a difference.  

Yeah. As you say, it might take a little time. Persistence is key. That's one of the phrases that I use a lot with my clients, persistence is key. 

Yes. 

And consistency is key. That's the other one. Consistency is key. So just do it. I have a teenager too, that's 19. So they're going to be coming out of the teen years here pretty soon, but they enjoy the sillies. They're fortunate their dad is very much the clown of the family and likes to have fun. And so, but they still enjoy that even at 19.

Yes, I love that. That's so awesome. Very good.

 All right. So tell us a little about your special needs mom journey.

Okay. So my son is 11, you know, pushing 12 but as a newborn, we kind of noticed there was some things that were different, but he was our first. So while I am an older sister and an aunt and have been a babysitter and all the things I had a lot of experience with children, any parent will probably tell you like, no matter how much you prepare, there's nothing to actually prepare you for that moment that you become an actual parent and you're like, whoa, they live there through adoption or through birth. Either way, like, can you become legally responsible for this human being to make sure they don't end up a sociopath? Like it's a whole different ballgame, you know, when it's your responsibility. And so, I was already overwhelmed with like being a first time mom and he is never sleeping and is constantly wanting to suck all the time. And we didn't know any better, you know? And so then when we're like, Oh, we give him a pacifier. And it was like, Oh, now he's happy because he's sucking on something 24/7. I mean, that thing stayed till he was four, you know, I mean, and if I gave it to him now, he'd probably take it. Like he has a lot of oral sensation and like sensory. And anyway, so when he was really little, it was interesting. Like I wondered, but I wasn't sure. And then his dad at age one was like, I'm pretty sure he has autism. And I was like, Oh, I don't know. Like I felt bad. I didn't have much perspective back then. I didn't really know anybody with autism. I wasn't super familiar with that diagnosis and was like, didn't want to like label him. And, and I was breastfeeding him. So I was getting eye contact, right? Like I'm, I'm getting that, but dad wasn't. And so he was noticing more of that. I was like, yeah, maybe let's kind of table it for now and see how it goes. And then 18 months, he's like, really, I think he has autism. I'm like, okay. So we took the M-chat online and it said he was high risk.

Hmm. 

Like, okay. Went to the pediatrician and she totally downplayed everything we said and was like, Oh, lots of kids don't talk until they're two. I just told you like seven other things besides he's not talking. Like really, and just was very dismissive. And so for anybody who's like maybe new on their journey or maybe who had that experience and is still hurting from it, I just want to validate how painful that is to know in your gut, there's a thing with your child and to have these professionals shoot you down and act like you know nothing because you don't have a medical degree. Like, yeah, but I have a degree in Evan. So I know what I'm talking about. Right. So just, I want to validate how painful that is because it's not fun. And so she shot us down and then we came back at age two and she's like, okay, fine. I'll let you go to a developmental Ped and then they're like, yeah, he's at risk because I don't know about everywhere else, but at least here in Arizona, you got to have an at-risk diagnosis until age six. And then it's like an official diagnosis because at age, you know, if they do early interventions, some kiddos, get enough progress that they don't need as many services, I think is the reasoning anyway. So he had his at risk at that point, started like his early intervention things. And then, you know, at age three started like his real interventions and it has been just long, you know, and I'm sure anybody who, whatever the special need is, whether it's autism or cerebral palsy or whatever, right? Like all, there's so many things and so many spectrums of having these like extra needs, right? And I'm sure you can all attest to like how long and arduous and heartbreaking it is that you're every step of the way trying to figure out what's best for your kiddo. And oftentimes having no clue, you know, I remember a long time ago, I was on a podcast talking about my autism journey and I said, it's kind of like throwing a bunch of paint cans in the middle of a rug and then saying separate them out because there's so many factors of like, and it's not cut and dry. It is not all autistic kids are the same. And there's so many different factors and what works for one kid doesn't work for another one. And so just so much trial and error. And, but I would not change any of it because I have become this powerful person and this powerful voice for my kiddo. And it's taught me so much about me and it's taught me so much about how to advocate and how to love, but not enable. It's helped me to, you know, have more compassion and it's helped me just to see things in a different way than I ever thought I could. And he has taught me so much, the strength that he has in dealing with the way he's doing every day. And, and I know I'm saying nothing new for any mom out there listening. They're like, yep, that's me. Yep. That's me. And I guess I just want to be another voice to tell you that you're not alone, that this is hard. And anybody telling you it's not hard, just doesn't know that just speaks to where they're at. It has nothing to do with you. It speaks to where they are. And just all of the loneliness around not be able to go to birthday parties or, you know, not be included in family functions or your family gatherings having to look different because your kiddo has different needs. Or, you know, I remember there was a time we were at a birthday party and I wanted to try. So I took both my kids and my son just did not understand some of the rules and they were wanting all the kids to not go in the house. But he was overwhelmed at the time. I didn't quite understand, but looking back, I'm like, he was overwhelmed with all the kids outside. So he wanted to be upstairs playing with those toys and they kept telling you couldn't do that. And I was like, well, I think he's just, I think I even said something like, I think he needs a break and like, well, it's not fair for him to be out there. We told all the other kids he can't be, which I get. I get the idea. It was like, well, and they just didn't know and I didn't know, you know, and it was just a tricky situation. And I know they meant well. I love them dearly. I know they meant well. And I don't remember what else happened, but something when I think I got really like stern with him, like you've got to come downstairs because I was feeling embarrassed. And then he just has a massive meltdown and I had to drag him through that birthday party, kicking and screaming. And it was awful. And just all these awful moments of like people saying mean awful things or like just thinking they're being helpful and, you know, making these comments. And it's painful because especially with autism, looking at them, they may not know there's anything different about them, you know, and the bigger he gets, the more people just assume that he is neurotypical and they expect him to behave a certain way. And even just recently, I was at a bookstore with my son and he was so excited because you're going to go trade in some books and get other books like for credit. And we did that, but then he also saw this new dog man book and he was flipping out. He needed to have the dog man book and I was like, Hey buddy, I've got credit at another store. So let's go see if it's there before we spend money here. That didn't matter to him. And he just had a full-blown meltdown, balling his eyes out and just screaming like you're being so mean to me. I want dog man. And I used to be really embarrassed when he would scream that he, I mean, you know, but I didn't do work in my brain of like, “Nope, I'm not being mean.” I hear that's just his way of expressing he's hurt, you know, and other people's opinions do not define my value. It's fine. So he's screaming at me, you know, whatever. And I'm like, “Hey bud, I hear you are so mad.” Yep. I'm like on the floor with him, right? Just down on the floor. “Hey bud, I hear you are so mad and you want dog men. I hear you. I do. I hear you.” Like trying to talk him down, right? Like to help calm his nervous system. And this woman comes over a hundred percent meaning well, I'm sure, but she comes over and she's like, you're too handsome to be crying like that. My old lady, bless your heart. Like that is not helpful. I know you think you're being helpful, but he doesn't care about what you have to say anyway. He doesn't know you. So he doesn't care. And you're just adding to the problem because now he's like, what? And he just started screaming louder. And I was like, and I just said, “Hey, he has autism, but thanks so much for trying.” And then turn back to my son and just kept going. Right.

But yeah and so I'm sure anyone listening has probably had those experiences too, where people have said things or, you know, and I've had to work so hard on that being their stuff. Yeah. You know, like this woman, I'm sure meant well. And this is her experience and her things. It has no reflection on me as a mother. She's not in my house every day. She doesn't know what it's like to be me. And I used to joke like, well, take him for an hour and then you decide if I'm a bad mom, you know? But I just, it's been a long journey to work on that brain work. But that's like why I love life coaching so much because it's challenging those beliefs that are not helping me. And it's been, it's made my connection with my son deeper as well, because I'm not always caught up in like, Oh, I'm a bad mom and I'm a bad mom and I'm a bad mom. And I've had to redefine like what good mom is to me. Yeah. And I thought I'm meeting my milestone to be a good mom. We're going to be okay. You know? 

Yeah. And as you say, you have the degree in Evan. So, you know what works for him. You know, what works best for him and what works within your home. But I love, love, love, the fact that you've been doing some inner work to redefine what a good mom is for you within your family. And then yeah, because our identity is so caught up in that mom role and we want to do it well. And society puts the pressure on us from when the child's in the womb, right? Because you're eating the right vegetables and having enough fruit, making sure you're exercising, getting enough sleep, all of that stuff while you, you're incubating your baby. So it's from very, very early. So the work that you have done to redefine who you are as a mom, I love that. And I just want to just emphasize the importance of that because that can so totally define us. I too have had situations where a little bit on the flip side, where I've been in a grocery store, one comes to mind where a mom was with a child who looked potentially autistic and he was not necessarily acting out, but was being loud. And she was apologizing. And I'm just like, yeah, it was sister. You don't need to apologize. This is who your son is and how he is. Please don't feel you need to apologize. And so I just want to say that to all of the moms out there that are dealing with children that may be acting out with behaviors when you're out in public, it's okay. This is who your child is. You don't need to apologize. And I just want, I really want you to get that. To think, let that sink in and internalize that this is who your child is. This is the gift of your child. And as you say, and I love, Annie, that you've talked about how you've grown as a person because of who your child is and what he has brought to your family. So yeah, don't ever apologize for who your child is.

100%. And what a gift you gave that mama, you know, because for every person who says mean things to have one person come in and say, don't apologize for your child. Like what a beautiful gift you gave her. And, and I hope that you guys will go put this in your pocket and like keep with you always that we're giving you permission to not have to apologize for them and that you are doing a good job. And, and if you're not feeling like you're doing a good job, take a look at yourself, talk and talk a little kinder to yourself. Like, I promise you, if you have not murdered your kid, you're doing a good job. Okay. Like you, it's literally like just be kind to yourself. And like you're in your head, you're the, you're the one talking to yourself more than anybody else. Yeah. So if you're not self-examining how you're talking to yourself, you're, you know, you're making it hard. Like your job is already hard enough. Don't make it any harder. And yes. And I think that we can be considerate people in public having to apologize who they are, not necessary, right? But being conscientious and like acknowledging. And so someone told me once I read it somewhere, I don't remember where I heard it, but they said, instead of apologizing and saying, thank you. It's like, thank you for your patience. Yeah. Thank you for tolerating. Thank you for accepting. Thank you for you know, being a kind person and like creating this greater community of acknowledging people for your kindness. And I think we all need to get acknowledged for something good. We're more likely to do it again.

Exactly. I love that. Just bringing up the acknowledgement. I remember with my oldest who is totally dependent for all care so has cerebral palsy and probably didn't handle it the best with it, but a mom came up and she said, Oh, I bet you're so glad that your child is happy to be in their chariot. And I didn't even think I just said, “You know what? I think she would love to be able to get up there and walk like your child and run around like your child.”  Which probably wasn't the best answer, but it just speaks to where I was at the time.

Sure. And it's real and it's raw. And that is probably true. And I think that these interactions help us all grow and gives us all perspective that maybe she wasn't aware of that perspective, but that's why conversations are powerful. Because I don't have to experience everything and I'm not going to right? There's no, I'm not going to have ever experienced in this world, but can I learn vicariously through other people's experiences? 

Totally. 

But only if I have a conversation.

Exactly. So don't be afraid to speak. 

Yeah, totally. 

Yeah. All right. So Annie, allowing yourself to grieve the life that you thought you would have. And I know that I've done this and I'm sure all of us have gone there. But what did that look like for you?

That's such a powerful question. And I keep thinking I'll stop being emotional about talking about that, but I just think it is powerful for every special needs parent to have that process. And I've had that process and I'm not in like a grieving place anymore, but just remembering how heavy that was is what like brings up emotion, you know, like moving the tap back into like what that was like and that you feel guilty, grieving because your child's alive. You're thinking like, why should I be grieving something? You know? And then when you have a better understanding of grief and what it looks like and it's a loss of anything, and the loss of the life you thought you were going to have is painful. And I know there's a lot of dads out there that like have a hard time with, you know, accepting like maybe their son or their daughter is not how they thought they were going to be. And because we've shamed men into not having many emotions, you know, it's a harder journey for them. You know, so like I want to include that that's hard for dads as well. Especially as a mom, like you feel so responsible because especially if you gave birth to your child, because I'm not trying to just cut anybody who has a child through other means like adoption or whatever. But if you physically grew this baby in your body, then there's this added like responsibility for how they turn out. And I remember feeling so guilty, like I did something wrong. Like I broke him. And it was an ugly thought. And it was an untrue thought. And it was not helpful. And I was embarrassed of that thought for a long time. But it still just stuck there. Like I did something wrong. I did this to him. And I felt so sick about it. And I finally had like, you know what, whether or not that's even true, like I will never know. And what does it even do that even helps anything to think that I did that to him? No, because even if like, let's pretend that I did, which I don't believe I did, but let's pretend that I did. What can I do about that now? Nothing. So am I going to beat myself up the rest of his days?

Anyway, I want to emphasize, I really don't believe that I did this to him. Like I think this was just part of his life and his journey. And that's just the way the world works sometimes that people have these, you know, different abilities and anyway, but I just at the time felt so guilty. And then I felt guilty grieving, not having this son that's going to be on the soccer team and climbing trees and breaking his arm. And you know, all these rites of passage, like every little boy like breaks an arm climbing a tree, you know, that's probably not true, but you know what I mean? Like there's always these things you might think of with boys. And I thought, okay, my son's never going to be like that. My son may never leave my home. Like I may have him the rest of my life. And I get there with some disabilities. Like, you know that from childhood, like that's going to be your life, right? And with autism, it's, it's not cut and dry. I like, some can live on their own and some can have jobs and some are fully dependent. And so it's just kind of this unknown. So I kind of just tell my brain like that may be possible. And I'm preparing for that. And what a blessing that he will be mine and be my buddy. And like, what a beautiful gift that I have that I have this beautiful son, right? But in the beginning it was like, this is not what I signed up for, you know? And probably a lot of you, because I used to get a little annoyed when people would send me that that poem about, welcome to Holland. I was like, thanks a lot. But, but really this sentiment is so beautiful that like when you think you're going to Italy, but you end up in Holland, you're like, excuse me, I got robbed of my trip. I had been robbed. You stole my son I thought I was having and now I've got to face this new son and whatever. And, but then you find out that Holland has tulips and it is such a beautiful sentiment because you do learn to find all these beautiful things that or whatever reason, whether you believe in God or like some other higher power or the universe or whatever, like whatever is conspiring together to create these families, I personally believe it's on purpose and it's by design and that he and I were meant to be in this life together to teach each other. And he is my greatest teacher and I am the best person in the world for him because we needed each other. And sometimes I have to remember that when he and I are kind of butting heads or something,  and I'm like, nope, we're, we're together by design. Like I'm supposed to be his mom. He's supposed to be mine. And we are learning this together. And in a way, we're kind of growing up together. I think a lot of parents still like they're growing up as a parent. You think you have all these things figured out and then you become a parent and you're like, wait, what is going on here? Someone take the wheel. I don't know what I'm doing. But so we're almost like growing up together. And my daughter as well, like bless her heart, she's 18 months younger than him and she's neurotypical, but she also had birth defects as a baby and she almost died. And so she's had her own set of traumas and heavy things. And it's hard for her to have her only sibling be one that's not social a lot, you know, and they definitely have moments they interact, but it's not as much as she would like, you know. And so she's also growing up alongside me, you know, and it's such a beautiful process. And I do want to emphasize that if you have not taken that time for yourself, even if it's been years down the road, since you got that diagnosis, whatever it was, allow yourself to take time and you don't have to tell anybody. You don't have to like, I mean, as far as like your family, you don't have to go tell them like, I'm going to go grieve right now. Like you don't want to hurt your child and say, I'm going to go grieve, but I thought you were going to be, you know, but, but take that time to let it out. Yeah. As I promise it will fester and will impact your interactions.

So to take the time to allow that to happen, it won't stay. Promise, like if you really process and let it out, it won't stay, but it is part of that healing journey to get to the place where you're enjoying the tulips and you are seeing the beauty of it. But if you're not allowing yourself that process, it'll be much harder to get there. I can't say you won't, it'll just be harder to get there.

I would certainly agree with you. My children are 22 and 19 and a lot of what happened to our oldest, we had a prolapse cord; so we knew right away that there was a disability. We were given a year prognosis. So we were going to make that the best year, whatever. So the fact that she's made it to 22 is a blessing and a gift from God.

And shuc a great gift.

It's just been an amazing, it has been an amazing journey. With our youngest, there was no, all of the dreams that we had as you do when the child is in the womb, you create all these dreams. I never figure skated. I grew up in England. It didn't have much in the way of freezing cold weather. So the ponds and the lakes didn't really freeze. And then we didn't have the money to go to a skating rink. So these were things that I never got to do that I wanted to give to my children. And so because Melody-Anne our oldest was never going to do them, all of those dreams then transferred to our youngest. And I remember thinking, and I've mentioned this on a previous episode, thinking, hmm, so is it better to know the diagnosis right away or to find out the diagnosis later? And I want to say, and I said this on the previous episode, it is equally as devastating. Sure. Totally, totally, totally and so learning to deal with that. And as you say, grieve that was not easy for me because I was in the trenches and I'm sure a lot of moms and dads can relate to this. You're in the trenches. You don't really have time. I often said, I'll deal with that later. I'll get to that eventually. And just kept pushing aside, pushing aside, pushing aside. So now that my children are older, I am recognizing I need to deal with this because as you say, it comes up in many other different ways in different scenarios, different situations. So I have, my husband and I, have taken the time. And like you say, it's not that I'm grieving that, you know, I've lost a child in some ways. Yes, I've lost the dream of what I thought I was having. I've lost the idea of what I signed up for. And so it's the death of a lifestyle, people going through divorce, it's the death of a lifestyle. It needs to be grieved. And I felt guilty too, because I, excuse me, if I get a little emotional, my next sister to me lost her oldest daughter when she was four and a half in a house fire. And so I really couldn't compare because she actually lost her child, a four and a half year old. I still had my child and I'm blessed to still have her at 22. But my grief is grief. It's different to what my sister went through, but it's still grief. And so, 

Absolutely. 

And so we, we tend not to try not to validate it. We tend to kind of push it aside because I didn't lose my child. I still have my child, as you mentioned earlier, but I definitely second what you're saying, Annie, you need to deal with it. And whether you deal with it sooner or later, you still need to deal with it. And with you, I would recommend dealing with it sooner.

Yep. Because it will just open up your heart, your mind, your being to receive so much more.

Absolutely.

All right, Annie, thank you so much for sharing that and just opening up that conversation around grief, which is hard because, you know, we feel like, you know, well, I'm blessed and we are blessed, but we also need to give ourselves permission to grieve. 

Absolutely. 

So, Annie, making sure you care for yourself, why is that important for you? And what self-care practices do you engage in?

Which I think is a perfect segue because I think that grieving is a self-care practice, right? Allowing to let go of whatever it is you thought you were going to have, whether it's with this disability or whether it's something else in your life. Like I'm also divorced. And so I have also experienced that pain as well of like losing the lifestyle, but also losing like the person I thought I had and the person that I thought was mine. And so, you know, and so not comparing our grief, is also, I think, a self-care practice, right? So, we hear about self-care all the time. It's a huge buzzword. And it was like, oh, and, you know, if one more person says, you can't pour from an empty cup and you have to put your oxygen mask on first. It's like, that is great, y'all. But like, what does that actually mean? 

Yeah. 

Like, that's neat. But what does it mean? And I've had to learn that I'm not knocking pedicures, but a pedicure is not necessarily self-care because while that might be a break or whatever, it depends on how you feel after. Do you generally feel recharged? And have you done the other things to self-care like brushing and flossing your teeth, going to the doctor, drinking water, eating, you know, eating things that will fill your body. Like if that's the only thing you're doing is going for mani pedis, I think that your self-care might be lacking. And I'm not to put a judgment, that is a reflection on are we taking care of our deeper needs? And I think that, look, the, for me, the core of my self-practice goes back to my mindset and honoring my feelings are big ones. If I take the time to say, okay, what came up for me today? What triggers came up? What things do I need to look at? And to keep healing. I just had something recently that came up and I was like, oh man. And I got really triggered. I was like, oh boy, that is uncomfortable. It was like, okay, but that's a gift to say, okay, what piece of me is needing attention? Because that's my body saying, excuse me, this is painful. We need to heal this. Thank you very much. And so taking the time to journal about that and process it and verbally process it with someone and say, this was really painful. And this belief that I had and I was holding onto does not serve me anymore. So I'm going to let that belief die and let a new one be born. Right? So really managing my brain, really honoring how my heart feels. And come, when my feels come up to let them be there, whether it's grief, whether it's disappointment, whether it's anger, like I was a little angry at that woman who came up to me in the bookstore. Right? I know she had good intentions, but my first initial is like, excuse me, back up. I'm taking care of my child here. Right? So acknowledging that and processing and allowing it to come through me and pass through me. Right? That I think is much deeper self-care. Have your wine and paint tonight. Have your pedicures like do those things. I think fun is really important. As long as you're pairing that with that deeper work of acknowledging your thoughts and honoring your feelings. I heard an analogy once that said, if you ignore your feelings, it's just like them going down to the basement, bulking up and then coming right back upstairs stronger than ever. I was like, yep, that is true. Like that is 100% my life. Like if I ignore them, they're coming back with a vengeance. So let's just let them have their day. Cause it's just a message to you. It's just, Hey, something's off here. Cool. So honor the message. Let it be part of what you're experiencing. I actually run a kindness camp in the summer for tween girls. And one of the things I talk to them about with feelings is, that feelings are your friends. If your friend showed up at the door, would you slam the door on their face? No, you would invite them in, give them a cup of tea, sit them on the couch, blanket and ask them what do you need? How can I help you? Right. So when anxiety shows up, they say, Oh, I see you. What is it you need right now? What's going on right now? Like we honor those things. That is self-care and fun. Oh my gosh. Fun. If I'm not having fun, I'm losing it. And I have several things that are very fun to me and everybody's idea of fun is different. Like my mom is a puzzler and no, thank you. That's not fun to me. You know, like everyone has different, but my version of fun fills my cup to overflowing. And I just, it is valuable. And I know, like you said, we're in the trenches. It's hard. But even if you like, let's say you like dancing, because I like dancing. So that's an easy example. But if you throw on one song and even do 30 seconds of a dance party, it will change your mood. I promise. Like if you can even just get those little things in or turn on your favorite show while you're folding laundry or, you know, put your Air Pods in while you're doing your dishes, like finding those little ways to, it will shift your energy. It will put you in a better head space, which makes you happier, which makes your whole house happier, right? Mamas are the heart of the home and that is helpful. So yeah, those are the things that are important for me. And I think are crucial for every mama, especially a special needs mama who has this extra load on her plate.

Yeah, for sure. Love all that. Thank you so much for sharing. And yes, coming up from the basement bulked up, you better believe it. I just want to, just want to mention a couple of things. You talked about some sort of movement. And I've always said with my clients to shift the emotion, you got to get in motion.

Yes, that's a great statement.

 Yeah, yeah. I got from one of my mentors I have to thank for that. And then one of my accountability partners, I just want to share this. She, we came up, well, she, I should say she came up with the acronym FUSS. F is for fun. We got to have fun. U is for understanding. You got to be understanding with yourself. We're understanding with our friends, with our family members, you have to share that same grace with yourself. S is for service. We need to be in service. That's what we do. That's why we do what we do. And the other S is for self-care, making sure we're taking care of ourselves. So audience, I want you to go out and FUSS today.

I love that. That is so good. I'm so glad you brought up service because when we're feeling a lack of community, and that's what I talk a lot about, like with my audience and my clients about finding community to overcome loneliness and a very powerful way to do that is to think outside yourself and go serve someone because we tend to kind of get in our little shell and be like, no one's coming to serve me. But where does that get us? It keeps us in a place of loneliness and stuck, right? And so to step outside our comfort zone, you'd be amazed what will come up for you and that we think, oh, we're doing so much. I don't have time to serve anybody else. It doesn't have to be massive, you know, but to have that mindset to step outside is something that will help you build a community to do that. So I'm so glad you brought that up.

Yeah. And even service, and you mentioned it earlier, a smile. That is giving service to someone. Saying some affirmative words to someone like I did with that mom, you don't have to apologize for your child. That's service. It doesn't have to be going out and going to the food bank. Although I'm not knocking that, that's something definitely that is definitely needed and helpful. But look for little things that you can do to serve someone.

 Yes, for sure. I love that.

All right. Do you have anything you'd like to share with our audience, Annie?

So because I've been really working on helping people like come home to who they are and feel good about themselves. So they're not feeling lonely anymore, right? There's, we have this loneliness epidemic going on right now. And I, there are times I joke, like I just want to give the whole world a hug, you know, and I just want to like have everyone feel like loved and cared about. But I also know that I can't do that for them. You know, they have to learn that. That's why I'm happy to coach and teach and help people get to that space. But my, my hug to the world essentially right now is this little guy that I created called the support system starter kit to just some journal prompts to kind of get you started kick started on creating a community, creating a support system so that you can stop feeling stuck and lonely, invisible, and start feeling seen and heard and have support. We all deserve to be loved. There's nothing you have to change to be loved. Right? I mean, we all have to work on ourselves, but you are a value as you are. And so that's the freebie that I have to offer is this download guide that you can kind of just start. It's a bunch of journal prompts just to kind of get your mind working on what steps you can take and what mindset you can shift to be able to get to this place to attract your people. Like I always say, you're sending out your bat signal to your flavor of weird, you know, when you are your true weirdo self, your type of weirdos are going to find you, you know, and I am living proof of that. I am, I am not a normal human. Like I, I'm aware of that. And my people though, like the people in my life that love me, they embrace and love that. And I tell you right now, there are plenty of people who do not like my flavor. And that is okay, because I'm not for everyone. But if I'm pretending to be somebody else, I will not find my people. I just won't. So that's what I love teaching about and helping people with is learning to love yourself so deeply that you just attract the right people and to take the action and not just sit at home hoping that someone will be your friend, but taking action to get out there. And so I'm really excited about this freebie to help people just get this ball rolling. How can you start taking proactive action to find those people? They are out there. There are billions of people on this planet. I promise there's a few out there that are specifically designed to be your kind of people. So I'm really excited. I'll share that link with you.

Thank you so much. So go to the show notes for that. And is the link on your website as well?

Yeah, it's on my website. The freebie is yeah. All right. 

So tell us where our audience can go to find you. 

Yes. So my website is Anniejoy.com. And then my Instagram is Anniejoy.speaks. Got my main platforms right now. I have a love hate with TikTok. I can't be on it. It's just a time suck. And so I haven't got on TikTok. I just, I just hit the Instagram and call it good. So that's kind of you, you want to come hang out, come over on Instagram. Uh, the resources are there on my website. There's blog posts, editing. So yep.

Great. Well, thank you so much. So before we conclude, Annie, do you have any pearls of wisdom, any words of encouragement for our parents that are out there raising kids with disabilities?

So, I would say that one of the other really powerful lessons I learned on my special needs mom journey is that I had a moment where I felt so inadequate that I could not help him with all the things that he needed. And I was feeling very discouraged and very depressed about that. That I, you know, I don't have five master's degrees to help him with OT and PT and music therapy and all the things, you know, and you know, ABA therapy and feeding therapy and speech. And, so I got to a place where I said, okay, it's not working anymore for me to keep feeling inadequate. I'm depressed. I don't want to feel this way. So how can I change this mindset? And I remembered, prayer is a self-care practice for me. I love to pray. That's something that helps me a lot. I know everyone feels differently about that, but for me, it's self-care. So I started praying and I remember so clearly the thought was, you're not supposed to have five master's degrees. That's why I gave you those people. I brought these five therapists into your life so they could support your son. Your job is to love him. Your job is to make sure his needs get met, not you meet all the needs.

Love that.

And that was a game changer for me to realize that I don't have to meet every single need in my children's lives. I am the manager to check in to make sure that needs are getting met in other places. I am not supposed to do it alone and neither are you. People are put in your path, however you think they got there, but people are put in your path to support you and your child. You are not meant to help this special baby all on your own. And my baby's 11, so I say baby loosely, but your baby is your baby and these people are put there. You are not inadequate. You are the perfect mom for your baby and the people that need to be in your life will be there to support you. And that means nothing about your abilities. It means that we are meant to be a team.

Awesome. Love that. Thank you so much, Annie, for sharing with us today and coming on and being on the show. We've so appreciated you and your pearls of wisdom. 

And so I just want to remind our audience to Live with Intention and Embrace the Journey.