Your host Valerie asks "Emotional waves - do you experience them?"

This episode is packed with practical tools like the 4-7-8 breathing technique, ‘affect labeling,’ and self-compassion practices—all designed to help listeners respond thoughtfully to life's emotional waves rather than being swept away by them.

Key Points Discussed:

Awareness as the First Step:
Recognizing and identifying emotions as they arise is the foundation of emotional regulation. Many people tend to push through tough emotions until they reach a point of overwhelm. Valerie encourages caregivers to increase emotional awareness in the moment.

Understanding Emotions and Emotional Waves:
Valerie breaks down various emotions—happiness, sadness, anger, fear, surprise, and disgust—and how they impact both mind and body. Emotions are natural responses, while emotional waves are the ebb and flow of these feelings, often intensified for caregivers.

The Power of Pause with a Real-Life Story:
Valerie shares a personal story about a stressful morning where frustration began to build. By using a quick breathing technique, she was able to pause and regain her focus, showing how small actions can create space to respond calmly.

Emotional Regulation Strategies:
Breathing Techniques: Valerie demonstrates the 4-7-8 breathing exercise, a technique that calms the nervous system by slowing down heart rate and increasing oxygen flow.

Affect Labeling: Simply naming emotions (e.g., "I’m feeling overwhelmed") can reduce their intensity.

Mindfulness and Reappraisal: Practicing present-moment awareness and reframing situations can ease tension, even in challenging caregiving moments.

Building a Support System: Valerie reminds listeners that seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can be invaluable for emotional regulation.

Quotes and Mantras for Reflection:

1. “You don’t have to control your emotions. You just have to stop letting them control you.” — Unknown
2. “Breathe, let go, and remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” — Oprah Winfrey
3. “Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left.” — Katie Reed
4. A simple mantra for caregivers: “I am here. I am enough. I am capable.
5.  "Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you." — Anne Lamott

Self-Compassion for Resilience:
Research by Dr. Kristin Neff supports the power of self-compassion in managing stress. Valerie encourages listeners to embrace their best efforts and trust that it is enough.

Listener Call-to-Action: If this episode resonated with you, reach out to Coach Valerie on social media (@ValerieArbeau) or via the Buzzsprout platform. 
Share this episode with someone who could benefit from learning these emotional regulation tools.

Live with Intention - Embrace the Journey.

Connect with me:

Valerie's Links: https://bit.ly/3RL0da2

Music Acknowledgement: Audio Coffee - Denys Kyshchuk

Editor: Scott Arbeau

Link for book: The S.H.I.N.E. Principle: The special needs mom's path to strength, hope and happiness by Valerie Arbeau

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0CW18ZXGX (Canada)

https://a.co/d/03hFdZI4 (United States)

Learn more about your host at:
https://coachingwithvalerieanne.com/

Transcript

So, as I mentioned earlier, awareness is the first step. This is the first thing that we need to do in recognizing what we're feeling. Many people are so used to pushing through difficult emotions that they're unaware of them until they're feeling overwhelmed. Emotional regulation starts with noticing emotions in real time and identifying them without judgment.

Hello and welcome to another episode of Specialty's Mom's Circle of Strength. I'm so glad that you're here. Today I want to talk to you about something that we all experience - the emotional waves that come with caregiving and how we can work to regulate those waves.

I too have struggled with feeling down and finding my emotional footing and I know that I'm not alone.

I have a quote for you.

“You don't have to control your emotions. You just have to stop letting them control you.”

That's unknown.

So, the other morning I was rushing to get out of the house on time to beat the traffic. My child, who I drop off needed a little extra support and I was already running late. Every little thing felt like it was piling up and suddenly I felt this wave of frustration building. Okay! It came crashing in. In that moment I noticed my heart was racing. My jaw was clenching and I just wanted to snap. But I remembered the breathing exercise that I'd mentioned before on this podcast. The four, seven, eight breathing. I took a step back, literally, and even though it was just for a few seconds, I did a quick round of deep breathing. It allowed me to focus on something else, decrease my heart rate and increase the oxygen to my brain.

Now I have to say my frustration didn't completely disappear, but I could feel that it was easing up enough that I could approach the next few minutes with a little, little being the operative word, more patience.

So, here's the inside scoop.

This story illustrates the challenge of maintaining a sense of calm during a chaotic moment and how even a small pause can create a big emotional space, making a big difference in responding thoughtfully instead just reacting and escalating.

So, let's look at emotions and then we'll relate that to emotional waves.

Emotions are complex reactions that our brain and body experience in response to significant events, thoughts, or environmental cues. They often involve a mix of physiological responses like a racing heart or tense muscles, subjective feelings, and behavioral tendencies such as withdrawing or reaching out to others. Emotions are typically automatic, and they can vary in intensity from mild to overwhelming.

These serve as signals that help us understand and respond to our environment.

So, some examples of emotions, I'm sure I don't need to remind you, but I'm just going to mention them anyway. Happiness, a positive emotion that might feel like warmth, lightness, or excitement. For instance feeling happy when you achieve a goal or spend time with loved ones.

Sadness, a feeling of sorrow or grief, often in response to loss or disappointment. It can bring a heavy feeling and it might lead us to withdraw or seek comfort.

Anger, a strong feeling of displeasure or frustration often triggered by a sense of injustice, threat, or an unmet expectation.

Anger can make the body tense and it may lead to assertive or confrontational behavior.

Fear is another one. This is an emotion that arises when we perceive a threat or danger, whether it be physical or emotional. Fear prepares us to protect ourselves, often resulting in a fight, flight, or freeze response, which I'm sure you're familiar with.

Surprise, a reaction to unexpected events that can be positive, but it can also be negative or neutral. Surprise often brings a sense of alertness and curiosity, prompting us to quickly assess what's happening.

Disgust, a strong sense of aversion towards something perceived as unpleasant or offensive. Disgust can lead us to avoid or distance ourselves from the source of that feeling.

So, each of these emotions serves a specific purpose, signaling something important about our experiences and guides our responses.

So, what is an emotional wave? Emotional waves are the natural ebb and flow of emotions that come and go, often in response to life's experiences and internal thoughts. So, these waves can rise and fall in intensity, sometimes overwhelming us, and then they settle down. So, this pattern of emotions moving in waves is common, especially in caregiving, emotional demands can be unpredictable and intense.

For those of you who are like me, a person who likes to be in control, this is quite unsettling.

So how do feelings differ from emotional waves? You may be wondering this. Well, feelings are the subjective experiences of emotions.

So, which are the brain's responses to physical and psychological stimuli.

So, while emotions are automatic and rooted in the body's physiological responses, for instance, anger, sadness, feelings are our conscious interpretations and awareness of these emotions.

So, they're influenced by our thoughts, beliefs, and past experiences.

For instance, feeling disappointed might stem from an underlying emotion of sadness combined with thoughts of unmet expectations.

So going back to the morning rush and trying to get out the door, yes, my emotions were intensifying, but my feelings, my feelings of frustration, hate to be late, and irritability were covering a deeper feeling of overwhelm.

So, what was the story I was telling myself? I was telling myself that my child didn't care.

Quote,

 "Feelings are just visitors. Let them come and go.” I love that. “Feelings are visitors. Let them come and go."

So emotional regulation. Why does this matter?

Emotional regulation is not about dismissing your feelings, but about responding rather than reacting. Emotional regulation, I've come to learn, is not just for our kids, but it's crucial for us mamas as well.

Emotional regulation is the process of managing and responding to emotions in a way that is constructive rather than reactive. Ooh, did you catch that? Reactive.

Emotional regulation involves recognizing emotions, understanding their source, and applying strategies to respond in ways that align with our goals, our values, and our wellbeing.

Benefits of emotional regulation include it helps us make better decisions, it maintains our physical health, and it creates a more peaceful environment not only for ourselves, but for our children as well.

Research suggests that emotional regulation skills are linked to improved wellbeing and resilience.

So, one study from the Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics emphasizes that parents with emotional regulation skills often find caregiving more manageable and fulfilling.

So why does emotional regulation matter for caregivers?

Well, you know what? It's critical.

Research indicates that caregivers who practice emotional regulation experience lower levels of burnout and a greater sense of control in their lives.

It helps them build resilience and approach caregiving challenges with a clearer, calmer mindset, benefiting both themselves and those in their care.

In essence, emotional regulation is about having the tools to ride out the emotional waves rather than being swept away by them, creating a more stable foundation for navigating life's demands.

It gives us the opportunity to respond as opposed to reacting.

Just a quick reminder that emotional regulation is not always easy and it doesn't mean that we have to be perfect or calm all the time.

Wouldn't it be lovely if we were?

It's a skill that takes practice and kindness towards oneself. It's a learning journey for everyone.

So, here's a simple self-check practice to help you tune into your emotions.

You can do a feelings inventory. And this can be a quick check-in as to where you are, and you need to pause and ask yourself,

"What am I feeling right now?"

This brief pause can help increase emotional awareness over time.

And we all know that everything starts with awareness.

So, when our emotions aren't managed, they can impact physical health. We can end up with tension headaches, fatigue.

 And I want to encourage you to value emotional regulation as a part of holistic self-care.

Do consider building a support system. Talk to someone, a friend, a therapist or a support group. And please know there's no shame in getting yourself a therapist.

Emotional regulation is often easier when we have a support network, especially for caregivers who face many unique stressors.

So, I remember one particular hard day when I felt completely overwhelmed by a wave of sadness. I didn’t fully understand why I was feeling so down, but it was there. It was weighing on me. My first instinct was to brush it off, which is something that I've been doing for years. I've had plenty of practice at that. Or distract myself, and that's usually picking up my phone and scrolling, senselessly. But instead, I decided to try something different. I let myself sit with that feeling. And for those of you that know me very well, you know that I don't sit still for long.

But this particular day, I did decide to pause and to sit. And I asked myself, "What am I really feeling right now?" And I realized it wasn't just sadness.

It was also some guilt and worry about whether I was doing enough as a mom.

Please tell me that I'm not alone with this.

Just naming those emotions and sitting with them instead of fighting them or pushing them aside actually helped them lose some of their intensity. It was a powerful reminder that it's okay to feel and to be honest with myself, and to accept my emotions instead of pushing them away and telling myself, "I'll get to that later."

Here's the inside scoop.

This story highlights how giving ourselves permission to feel and to name the emotions how it can be healing. It's a reminder that self-compassion and self-awareness are key parts of our emotional regulation, especially when we're overwhelmed.

So, as I mentioned earlier, awareness is the first step. This is the first thing that we need to do in recognizing what we're feeling.

Many people are so used to pushing through difficult emotions that they're unaware of them until they're feeling overwhelmed.

Emotional regulation starts with noticing emotions in real time and identifying them without judgment.

 Notice I said, "without judgment."

Once we're aware of the emotion, it really helps to consider why we're feeling it.

Emotion emotions can stem from past experiences, unmet needs, stress, or even physical conditions like fatigue or hunger.

Understanding the cause of an emotion can reduce its intensity and allow us to respond more effectively.

Accepting the emotions.

Emotional regulation doesn't mean suppressing or ignoring those feelings. Instead, it's about accepting the emotions as they come without self-criticism. Say that again. Without self-criticism.

This acceptance prevents negative feelings from intensifying through resistance and allows us to work with them instead.

So, the ultimate goal of emotional regulation is to respond thoughtfully not reacting impulsively.

This means taking a moment to pause, consider the situation, and choose actions that reflect our values and long-term goals.

Ask yourself, “How do I want people to see me in this situation?"

There are several techniques that can help manage emotions constructively, and some of these include:

Mindfulness, so being present in the moment can help us observe our feelings objectively without becoming overwhelmed.

Reappraisal. This involves reframing a situation to see it in a more positive or neutral light.

For example, instead of feeling frustrated over an unexpected responsibility, we might view it as an opportunity to develop patience.

Anyone else having plenty of opportunity to develop patience, or is it just me?

Relaxation techniques.

These are like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation and visualization can actually help calm intense emotions.

So, one of the methods is pause and breathe. That's the four, seven, eight breathing technique. So you inhale for four seconds, you hold it for seven seconds, which will seem like a long time, and then you exhale for eight. So you really have to focus in on slowly letting out the breath.

So we inhale for four, hold for seven, and then we exhale for eight.

This is a powerful relaxation exercise that can help calm the mind and the body.

And here's why it's effective. It slows down the heart rate, so the longer exhale, the eight seconds, activates the body's rest and digest response. It slows down the heart rate, and it reduces stress. This helps counteract the body's fight-flight response, which is often triggered in moments of stress and anxiety.

It increases oxygen flow, so the technique focuses in on deep control breathing, which increases the flow of oxygen to the brain and to other organs of the body. And this oxygen boost can improve our focus, lower blood pressure, and even help alleviate some physical symptoms of stress, like the muscle tension.

It provides a mindful focus, and by focusing on counting the breaths, this technique draws attention away from the racing thoughts and the worries, offering a calming pause. It creates a mental break that can help us regain control over our emotional response.

This is cool. It activates the vagus nerve, so the slow deep breathing stimulates the vagus nerve, which is essential in calming the nervous system. This activation promotes relaxation, and it helps to lower the stress levels overall.

And because it's so simple and can be done almost anywhere, the 4-7-8 technique is a fantastic tool for regaining composure and easing emotional tension.

And many people report feeling more grounded and peaceful after just a few cycles of this breathing technique.

I would be one of those.

And here's a quote from Oprah Winfrey.

"Breathe, let go, and remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure."

Something else that you can do is label your feelings. Sometimes just naming what you're feeling, example, "I’m feeling overwhelmed."

This can reduce the emotions intensity.

Psychologists call this ‘affect labeling’, which can ease stress and anxiety.

Focus on small, kind actions for yourself. This is something else that you can do.

I encourage you to do one small act that brings you joy or peace. A cup of your favorite tea, a short walk, journaling, dancing. That's something that I love to do.

And here's a quote from Katie Reed. "Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what's left."

And I want you to practice self-compassion in difficult moments, say to yourself, "This is hard right now, but I'm doing my best." And I'd also invite you to add, "My best is enough."

Dr. Kristin Neff’s research shows that self-compassion can be particularly powerful for caregivers in managing stress and maintaining resilience.

Here's a gift for you.

When the going gets tough, I want you to say a mantra something like this. 

I am here. I am enough. I am capable.

I am here. I am enough.  I am capable.

I am here. I am enough. I am capable.

We all face ups and downs, and you truly are not alone.

So, if this episode has resonated with you, let me know. You can text me on the Buzzsprout platform or reach me on social media. Search for my name, Valerie Arbeau, A-R-B-E-A-U.

If you know someone who would benefit from listening to this, then please share the episode.

And here's one last quote from Anne Lamott. "Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you."

Thanks so much for being here. I so appreciate each and every one of you. 

Live with intention. Embrace the journey.