Building Independence: Preparing Your Child for Life Beyond Home with Dr. Molly Sullivan Denny.

Episode Summary:

In this episode, Valerie sits down with Dr. Molly Sullivan Denny, Director of  Daymark Living to talk about preparing young adults with intellectual and developmental disabilities (IDD) for life beyond the family home. Dr. Molly shares both practical strategies and inspiring stories, highlighting the importance of starting early, building independence step by step, and engaging a supportive team of family, friends, and professionals. Whether your child is just beginning to learn daily living skills or is closer to transitioning into their forever home, this episode will give you encouragement, ideas, and hope for the journey ahead.

Dr. Molly Sullivan Denny has a BA degree with a focus in communication sciences and disorders. She has a master’s and doctoral degrees from Texas Woman’s University with a research focus on the effects of early intervention on the development of children with Down syndrome and the family dynamics of perceptions of siblings who have a child with special needs in their family. Currently she is the Director of Community Life for Daymark Living since 2015.

Key Takeaways:

Build a team: Involve family, friends, and even special needs attorneys or financial planners to support decision-making and long-term planning.

Start early: Daily living skills take time—teaching tasks like dressing, cooking simple meals, or cleaning up should begin when children are young.

Focus on independence: Break tasks into steps and allow children to practice, even when it takes longer. Skills learned early reduce reliance later.

Celebrate small wins: From buckling a car seat to folding socks, every achievement matters and builds confidence.

Inclusion matters: Even if a child cannot perform tasks independently, exposing them to routines (like laundry or cooking) helps them understand their world and participate in family life.

Adaptive tools and therapy: Occupational therapists and adaptive equipment can make daily tasks more manageable and empowering.

Think forward: Look at your child’s current day and compare it to what you want their day to look like in the future—then bridge the gap step by step.

Reflection Question:

What’s one small skill you can begin teaching or encouraging your child this week that will help them build independence for the future?

We’d love to hear your thoughts! Share your biggest takeaways from this episode on social media or send us a message.

If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe and leave a review! Your support helps us reach more families who need guidance and encouragement on this journey.

Connect with Dr. Molly Sullivan Denny:

molly.denny@daymarkliving.com                         

https://www.daymarkliving.com

https://www.facebook.com/DaymarkLiving

https://www.instagram.com/daymarkliving/

Connect with me:

info@foreverhomeconsulting.ca

Music Acknowledgement: Audio Coffee - Denys Kyshchuk

Editor: Scott Arbeau

Link for book: The S.H.I.N.E. Principle: The special needs mom's path to strength, hope and happiness by Valerie Arbeau

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0CW18ZXGX (Canada)

https://a.co/d/03hFdZI4 (United States)

Learn more about your host at:
https://coachingwithvalerieanne.com/

Transcript

So, you know, early on in their life, when they're young, it might take 45 minutes to get those pants on, but spend those 45 minutes with them, because anything they can learn to do on their own is going to help them.

Hello and welcome to Forever Home for our kids with disabilities.

I'm Valerie, mum to two with disabilities, one visible, one invisible. I'm a life coach and an author.

This space has been created to help you navigate the journey of creating a secure, sustainable forever home for your child.

We'll chat with parents on this path, realtors, financial planners, and other experts who can make the process easier.

Why am I so passionate about this? Because seeing my eldest thrive living independent of us was a gift I didn't always know I could give. I want you to have the opportunity to explore giving that gift to your child.

I’m so glad you're here. I'm Valerie your podcast host mum to two with disabilities, one visible one invisible. I'm so thrilled to welcome back my guest for today.

Dr. Molly Sullivan Denny worked at the Rise School of Dallas as a lead teacher from 2000 to 2007, and was the educational coordinator from 2006 to 2009.

Dr. Denny was awarded Outstanding Educator of the Year by the Down Syndrome Guild of Dallas in 2004. She has been a contributing author for a book on public school reform titled ‘Yes, we can! Improving urban schools through innovative education reform’, and was the special interest author for the Tex-Arcana Parenting Magazine. Dr. Denny was an adjunct professor for Texas Women's University in the Family Studies Department from 2003 to 2018, and has been the director of Community Living for Daymark Living since 2015. Welcome back, Dr. Denny. 

Thank you for having me. Thank you. 

You're so welcome. I'm just so excited about having another conversation with you. I'm just so excited you've been able to come back. Thank you. 

Thank you for having me. Yeah, we started talking last time and didn’t even really get tot everything we needed to so thanks for having me back on.

You’re welcome. So, Dr. Denny was a previous guest on this show and the conversation just warranted more conversation. So in the previous episode we discussed Dr. Denny’s earlier experiences in how she became connected with children with disabilities, and how she then transitioned over time to becoming the director at Daymark Living. And how she enjoys working with the families and the residents. So, we talked about the importance of early intervention, friendships through school, and how to facilitate that continuing. Dr. Denny shared about how Daymark Living came into being through a gentleman who wanted to build a neighborhood for his son. I learned about the program at Daymark and how the premise is to provide programming to build resident independence with a focus on daily living skills. I learned how the program guides the residents through their day with an end goal for some to become employable. We talked about the evolution of living arrangements for people with disabilities and how we've come to a place of having people with disabilities live with their peer group, and how that is becoming more common. We also talked about family dynamics of letting go. And the fact that we all need purpose. So, Dr. Denny, one of the things we didn't get to the last time we were talking was who should be involved in the decisions regarding living plans for the child with disabilities? 

Yeah, that's a great question. And I think it's really different for every family, but I think, we like to use the word stakeholders. So, not just people who have an influence over the finances of how these things are going to be paid for, or the money that might be left behind for someone with special needs. I mean, those are really important questions, and something that family should definitely be planning for. But a lot of times what I see with the families that I work with is its people who genuinely love this person. So obviously, guardians, mom, dad, siblings a lot of times are involved in these kinds of situations. The more, the longer I've been at Daymark, the more I've encouraged our guardians to include that next generation. So that, God forbid, something happened to maybe both living parents, or if it's a single parent, and then something like that. Because we've seen situations where, you know, something tragic happens, and suddenly, you've got this young adult with special needs, who isn't left with, you know, the only two people are the only one person that was making those decisions. And it’s really, very upsetting, you know, to lose someone that you love, but then,

all of that is also with it, you know, it’s kind of the backpack that they're wearing is like, what does the future look like. And so I always encourage families to include those siblings, even if they're teenagers. Have them being part of those conversations, so that, they know what's going on Maybe

those siblings are in college, or they're just starting out in their career. And I hear this so often from parents where they say, ‘Well, I don't want to burden my other children.’ And I'm like, they're not a burden, that's their sibling, right? 

Yeah.

Like if your sibling was typically developing, and suddenly they lost an arm, you're not going to not help them when they're older. Like, that's just part of the beauty of these family connections. And so we're really trying to change the language around not saying that someone might be a burden. And I think a lot of times we've sort of shifted away fromfamilies saying, it's a financial burden, but also an emotional burden. And I'm like, let's just do away with that language and really talk about what this looks like. Because if someone's living in a place like forever home or Daymark, or wherever it might be, that support for their daily life is there. Right! The support is already there. We're already providing that. But it's just that decision making of like, what's best, let's say they have to go into the hospital, who's gonna be making those decisions. And we're here to have those conversations.

To me, it's just planning. Sometimes it's a cousin. Sometimes it's a best friend or, you know, an adopted family member. Sometimes it's a teacher who's been really important. I have several residents here at Daymark that I taught at the Rise School, and I've just been a part of their lives for, you know, 20 something years now. And just people who know what they're capable of, what their future is, and just what the family is wanting for them and kind of that shared vision.

Wow. So you mentioned burden, which is not a word that we want to use. I'm grateful that you want to kind of change the language around. 

Yes. 

But I'm thinking, so that's something that I have thought about as well as I don't want to burden my younger child with the issues that my older child has and the help that they're going to need going forward. But what kind of struck me as you were talking was the emotional burden. So can you talk to us a little bit more about that? Because I hadn't really thought about that. But I can see how that's very impactful. 

Right. 

So, I love to talk about this, because I feel like families, parents in general of people with special needs do a lot of parenting from the place of what I call guilt.

They feel bad for this person, or they feel that they haven't been treated with the dignity that they should. And so a lot of those parenting decisions, you get this kind of sense, or we do as professionals, we get this kind of sense of parents always say they come in with their dukes up because they've been told no a lot. They've been told your child can't do this, can't do that, doesn't qualify for this, you know, they've been told no a lot, and that's hard. And so then they come to us and I often have to be kind of the voice in our team of directors here saying…. you know, a family may come to us and the mom may seem combative, or the dad may seem overly anxious, but they're, bringing all that with us, all that all those experiences with them. And so our job is to break down those barriers, right and say like, ‘Hey, we're in this with you, we are going to be team players, you're still going to drive the bus, but we're here to give you that support.’ 

Yes. 

What I love about working with siblings is they don't have that. They do not have that. So they don't carry that weight. I don't feel like like the parents do.

I always say our siblings are much more reasonable. Typically, they’re much less emotional, right? They don't get emotionally hijacked. And they just kind of come to us as like, ‘Hey, this is my brother, you know, he has down syndrome, he's pretty cool. Like we had a fun life growing up. And I'm excited that he has these opportunities now.’ Or, you know, ‘This is my sister, she had a birth injury, it was kind of hard to have a sister in our home, who needed and had therapists in and out all the time.’ Like they have all these experiences. I always say it's kind of like mashed into the potatoes. It's not like really talked about, it's just part of what happens in a family, and they don't know any different, because that's that was their family of origin. And so, I love working with siblings. 

We have a few residents here whose cousins have, you know become their guardians and stuff like that. And they're just easy to work with, because they're very realistic. And like I said, they don't come with all those emotions that I think a lot of times as parents, we carry.

Oh, good point, good point! It's not something…. I'm just sitting here as a parent thinking, ‘Oh, yeah, that would be me!’

But I don't think we realize how much baggage we are carrying, like really? And yes, you hear no a lot. Everything is a fight. Everything is a fight. When it comes down to, you know, medical aspects, educational aspects, financial aspects, everything is a fight. So you get used to putting up that armor. 

Yes.

Yeah, so I'm just kind of thinking as we're, as I'm talking here right now, just being able to kind of let that go a little bit when we're coming into new situations. And I find, I have said this, I have said this, I don't like who I'm becoming, because I've had to fight because I've been in what seems like a war zone, pretty much all of my children's lives. So, wow, yes, that is landing.

It's just true. It's hard. I mean, I'm a mother myself. And I think we, especially as mothers or as primary caregivers, we carry a lot for our kids, emotionally. And so then when you have a kid with special needs, and a lot of that, I think that language around that, I don't want this to be a burden for my other child. And we're trying to do away with that. But I feel like a lot of that is is the mom saying, I don't want this emotional baggage, I'm hearing, I don't want to pass that to my typical child or my typical adult child. But what I see working with them is they just don't have it. They're there for whatever. And don't know any different. And they haven't maybe been told all the no’s that the parents have. No fault of the parents, right for the feelings that they have against, you know, all the institutions, because it's been a challenge. Even those insurance phone calls. And I mean, the littlest things, you know, none of it seems easy.

Yeah, you just hit the nail on the head. I think, Molly the fact that the emotional burden that we as parents carry, especially mothers. Please don't feel that I'm bringing it down on the fathers that they don't feel it. But from a mother perspective, we do carry it's huge, this emotional baggage that we carry. And so you're so right. I hadn't thought of it that way. But you're so right that we just don't want to pass that on. But I appreciate your insight. And because you're from the outside kind of looking in into family situations, you can see it more objectively. So thank you for bringing that to the fore in the fact that you know, moms are carrying this emotional baggage, the siblings don't have it. As you say, this is, this is my life, this is how it's been, this is how it is. So they don't come with anything preconceived. They just come for solutions, and they're just happy to help. 

And they love this person. I mean, this person is, you know, part of their childhood experiences. And I think even if you talk to pretty young children who have siblings that have some kind of special needs, they think it's cool. You know, they think it's fun that they get to go on the rides first at Disney, and they get to sit in the front row and they get to, you know, there's some perks that come along with that in families. And so I think they very much see that in those kind of shared experiences of the way that, their life was. And I think, you know, anytime you have a child who has a lot of medical issues, or you know, is fragile, medically, those things can be challenging. But I don't think the siblings carry it the way that the parents do. So they come into adulthood just with these kind of open arms and a thankful heart, right, for the things that they can do. And then, you know, as parents, I think we can just kind of carry that burden and then let the siblings just enjoy their lives.

Absolutely love that. So parents, guardians, family members that want to be involved. 

Yes.

And show an interest in and a lot of love for the person with a disability. Friends, these are people that can be involved in the decision regarding the future. 

Yes. And one other thing, we have a few residents who were in some sort of accident, right, like a traumatic brain injury due to a car wreck, or you know, there's lots of accidents that happen that may change the trajectory of someone's life. And a lot of times, if there's a court case involved, they will appoint someone as like, the guardians are still decision makers. But as far as the financial piece of that, if there's some sort of settlement, they will appoint a third-party person. And that can be really interesting to. It's usually an attorney who's appointed, and may or may not, normally wouldn't know this family at all. But pretty good to work with, because they're just looking at the big picture of like, we have this person, who has these needs, and we have this much money that needs to last them their life. They can be pretty black and white about it. I appreciate that sometimes too, I think those special needs attorneys, you know, even if it wasn't someone who had a TBI, if it was just someone who was born with some kind of disability, you know, those special needs attorneys can be very objective and non-emotional about this kind of decisions. And so that might also be someone that you would want on your team. 

Yes. Well, I appreciate that. Because that's not something I'd heard of before. So, thank you for sharing that. And just so as you know, I did interview John Galia, not too long ago, who's the financial planner who has a special needs designation certification. And so yes, just understanding the need to have someone like that in your corner is huge, especially when it comes to the financial planning piece. And I just love the fact that it's part of the team that work with people that have had a traumatic brain injury or that like you say, there's some kind of financial aspect that needs to be taken care of. So that's amazing. Thanks for sharing that. 

Yeah. 

All right. So, tell us some of the best practices and I hope everyone who's listening has got a note pen and some paper.What are some of the best practices for preparing young adults with IDD (intellectual developmental disabilities) for living away from their families for the first time? 

Oh, gosh, this, there's so many things. I would say let's just break it down okay, to the basic things. So, one thing that I like to tell families is think about what you do every day.

You wake up, you get a cup of coffee, you brush your teeth, you take your medicine, you might have a quiet time, you go for a run. Break down your day, just write it out from every minute of everything that you do. And then do the same for the person that you're, you know, working with that you're thinking about. So, whether it's your son or daughter or whoever it is that you're caring for, write down what their day looks like, and then write down what you want their day to look like. My lighthouse moment always is ‘What are we going towards?’ Right? Like where are we headed? And if you look at where you're headed, and that's what Daymark means is it's a lighthouse without light. So I always use that here is, where is the place that you're going? And then you break down how do I get there? So, if I want this young adult to brush their teeth on their own, shower by themselves, get dressed by themselves. Those are very, very basic needs. And if you're doing that for them, they're not going to do it for themselves.

So, you know, early on in their life, when they're young, it might take 45 minutes to get those pants on, but spend those 45 minutes with them, because anything they can learn to do on their own is going to help them.

We talk a lot here about learned helplessness. Because when things are hard, it's easier to just let someone else do it for us. Well, our guys with special needs are the same way. If you can put my shoes on faster, and I'm 25, go ahead and put my shoes on. But if you've got a four-year-old who's motivated and trying to do it developmentally, they're at the very perfect spot to be doing that, spend the time and let them do it.

Work with those OTs, you know, have those therapists come into your home. I tell families a lot who are trying to prepare for coming to Daymark, I'm like, if you could get someone to come into your home, maybe it's not best for caretakers at that point to be doing it anymore, for a lot of different reasons, but let that therapist come in and work on scrubbing that hair, right, getting in there and really scrubbing, cleaning out your ears with Q tips, all of those kind of really basic needs.

If you can focus on that, I mean, as the director of Daymark, I'm not that concerned if they can read, or if they can write, or if they can even really follow a schedule.

What I'm looking for is can they get up? Can they get out if there's an emergency? Can they clean up after themselves? Right? Can they get themselves dressed? Do they understand safety?

Like a lot of those really simple things. And so I think it's so important that you look at your day, their day and see where those discrepancies are. And then, maybe just focus on one thing at a time. You know, dressing is difficult, and they could learn that skill, then, you know, hire someone to come in and help with that. And so, I think that's one thing that is really important. The feeding yourself and making yourself snacks, and making yourself food. Here at Daymark, we provide meals, and so they don't have to do a lot of cooking. But a lot of places where people live, they have to be able to do some cooking,

Basic cooking, right? Like we teach how to scramble eggs. That's one of our very first things we teach. We have a 10 week course at Daymark on having their, we call it, evidence stove certification. So, they work to get their stoves turned on in their houses and scrambling eggs, there's multi steps to that. Making sure that they know how to clean up the kitchen and that they understand the safety of cooking your food all of the way and, you know, all of those kind of things. So anything that they can do in your home, that will help them live on their own and understand the importance of it is really important.

I’ll tell you something funny, changing sheets. That is like the biggest thorn in so many people. I don't like to do it either. But getting those corners around that mattress can be really hard. And so just working on some of those skills, and you know, you really need to wash your sheets every two weeks. Getting on a routine and doing those kinds of things can be really, really helpful.

Wow. That's a lot. 

A lot. 

A lot.

I love that things are broken down into steps. And I love how you've sort of told us what your day look like, what's your child's day currently look like? And what do I want it to look like? Because we need to be forward thinking. And I thank you for the reminder that start early. And yes, it's hard. I'm a mother that's very task orientated, very time orientated. Okay, we don't have a lot of time. So let me do it. But I did realize at some point that we have to allow our children to do certain things. I know for Melody-Anne, our oldest, who is total care, there was just some things she's not ever going to be able to do. But, we still wanted to give her life experience. So, she came with us to the laundry room, she felt what it was like to take something out of the dry and how warm it feels. And you know, we helped her hand over hand fold socks and these kind of things. I just wanted her to sort of know what it's like to, to live and how we function and how we care for ourselves. So we've always kind of kept her abreast of that kind of thing. And what was really cool one time when she was young, she had this pony walker. So it was kind of like a, almost like a bike without pedals. She used her feet to kind of scoot around. And I remember a therapist coming over. And I don't know why it came up, ‘But where's the laundry room?’ I think she was wanting to know if Melody-Anne was aware of her surroundings. And Melody-Ann went right to the laundry room. And I think that's because we took her to the laundry room, and told her it was the laundry room, and showed her what we did in the laundry room. So even if your child may not gain skills, I think it's important for them to understand what goes on in a home and what goes on for their care. 

Yes, I agree. One thing that I used to tell my families whenever I was working with children, is it can be really small changes. Like all their little Tupperware that they use that's not breakable and all those things, put it down low in your kitchen so they can do it. I mean, they can take stuff out of the dishwasher if they can sit up, right and put it into a low drawer. Or maybe you can, you know, put things where they can reach it. I, I used to have a lot of families that were like, well, I really want them to be able to put their clothes away. But, you know, they can't reach the drawers or they can't stand independently. And I'm like, well, they can definitely throw socks into a bucket. So who cares if they don't match, right? You can go back later and match them up. But any little tasks that they can do to feel like they're helping, and as you're writing out that schedule, I think can be really helpful. And getting in a car seat, I remember that was like, the happiest day whenever my kids could buckle themselves into the car seat, I was like, my whole life just changed, right? Cos for years, you know, you're the one that's helping them get in and out and in and out and in and out. And so any time they can achieve some kind of success, 

Yeah.

Sorting the silverware, you know, any of those very, very what we think is like, menial tasks can be really celebrated, likethey're doing that on their own. And I think fixing hair, that's another huge one is like our girls brushing their hair, we have a lot that get these, you know, a call them little nests in the back of their hair, because they don't have the fine motor to really brush that out.

And so just making sure that you can get that adaptive equipment that can help with that. And those therapists are so good about knowing, you know, what those different things are. There's even things that help you put your socks on now. 

Yeah, 

Yeah. 

Yeah. I love it. I know with our youngest who has the invisible disabilities, so very capable. And so I remember when we left Melody-Anne in her forever home, and we moved out. And so when our youngest was here with us in our current home, that's when I stopped doing their laundry. That's when I stopped doing quite a few things for them, because I needed them to start showing that they had the ability. I knew they had the ability, they just didn't have the opportunity. So it was my job then to provide the opportunity for them to start doing these things. And then not too long ago, I don't know if there are any other parents out there that can relate, “Hey, supper's ready.” Nothing. “Supper's ready.” Nothing. I got so tired of calling them up time and time again, because the food was ready. And so it's like, okay, I guess you don't feel like you need to eat. So when you're ready to eat, you can come and make yourself something to eat. So now for the last two or three years, I don't cook for them. But then I've given them the opportunity to learn to read recipes, to try different things, to experiment and to cook and they do great. They do great.

I love that. One thing that I did with a lot of my little kids is I would tell the parents… you know, a lot of times kids will get like the Little Tike kitchens and cars and things like that. I always tell families, put those in the room where they go in your house. 

Yeah. 

So like instead of putting a little tikes, you know, kitchen in the playroom, put it in the kitchen. That makes sense, right? So as you're cooking things, they can be… because they do so much mimicking. 

Yeah. And they learn so much. So same thing with a little washer and dryer. Like if you're working on laundry, get some boxes, make a little washer and dryer and put it in there and give them some old towels and let them practice those skills, because those things you can build on when they get older. 

Love it. Love it. All right. So I hope you're taking notes, audience. All right, well, thank you so much for sharing that. So I think what we just need to take away from this is, it's not too early ever to start building future skills. Break them down and start with whatever is age appropriate for them. But then then you can, as you say, can start building on them and just continue building on them until they've mastered the skill. 

Yes. 

All right. So I wanted to just go back to our last conversation, where you mentioned that friendships that children develop during school can dissolve as the children start to go away to college or move on to other programs or move away. So, what do you do at Daymark to help foster and nurture friendships?

Yeah, it's interesting, because we don't typically lump our people together by diagnosis, we're just kind of like, I sort of see everyone, as you know, residents here at Daymark. But there are some differences in how our guys, you know, initiate friendships, maintain friendships, sort of based around their diagnosis. So, you know, a lot of our residents who are really social in nature, they make friends very easily. They’re very warm, but those friendships, a lot of times are very surface. So they give a big greeting and lots of hugs and, you know, happy to see each other, but they may not have those, like deep friendship connections. And they seem to be fine with that. So sort of like the social butterflies, they're friends with everyone, you know, they make all their little stops during the day and, you know, spread their love and sunshine on everyone. And it's, it's wonderful. I do have quite a few residents here who are on the autism spectrum. Anda lot of them really desire those deep connections, they just don't know how to get there. But it is so beautiful when they find that one friend. And a lot of times their circles very small. You know, they don't need a whole lot of friends, they're fine with just having one or two people that they can talk with.

A lot of what we do here at Daymark is we set up those kind of more intimate conversations, and we model it. So I might have, you know, Melody-Anne and Valerie, we're going to sit down today and we're going to talk about what it felt like in our homes growing up. And so I might facilitate that conversation.

We do something on Fridays here called Lunch Bunch where we take a group out to lunch. And so I'll be sort of the conversation starter and then I will back away and let them once they learn about each other, and they have a connection, a lot of times they can kind of take it from there. But starting that first hurdle can be really hard. So what I noticed when we first started doing this is that I would take a group of five or six to lunch and they would all look at me because I was carrying that conversation. 

Yes. 

And so I've started to really challenge them. I'll say like, you know, Molly, tell Valerie where you grew up. And that takes me out of it, right? So giving them the tools, but then having them work on those kind of things. And over time, if they have enough connections, that will start the form of a friendship. 

Another thing that we see a lot of here is we have lots of miscommunications.

And it's because of the struggles with language and understanding what someone is trying to say, or their body language. And I'll give you an example. I have a gentleman here, who he looks like he's mad because he carries his eyebrows kind of in this downward position.

So, when you're talking to him, you're like, Oh my gosh, he's so upset with me, you know, because he, he will make that face. And he's lovely and very easy to get along with. But when he first moved in, everyone was like, Oh, we're kind of scared of him. He looks angry all the time. So we really had to work on them getting to know him. Because I could say all day, he's very nice, he's very friendly. But until they had those experiences, they were a little off put by that. And so that was something that I worked, we're always trying to teach is they have to have their own experiences with those people, that we probably have to be the ones to facilitate and set up the environment so that they can have that success.

Our guys are pretty quick to forgive each other, you know, because they typically have just really tender hearts. And they, a lot of times if I say, you know, maybe you misunderstood that or maybe you were just having a bad day, or maybe something else happened that you don't know and understand. Just helping them kind of think through. Maybe I also had a bad day and snapped at someone or maybe, you know, my mom made me upset on the phone and now I'm mad at you. There's so many different scenarios, but just kind of breaking down those social walls for them, and helping them see other people's perspectives. Our guys are not great at that they tend to be a little egocentric.

And I think you know, it's not because they want to be that way. It's just that they haven't grown out of that developmental stage yet. And so when you're living away from your family,

it can't be all about you anymore, because now there's 135 people here who have IDD. And so we talk a lot about not just thinking about yourself, and or what your needs are talking about yourself. But ask someone else what's going on with them, you know, and helping them kind of build those relationships. And what we've seen is, residents who've lived here for three and four and five years, they have their own friend group now. And we don't need to intervene in that at all, they work things out with each other.

We have a lot of classes on conflict resolution and things like that. And so, yeah, it's fun to watch it grow you know.Maybe not knowing anyone when they get here, not having any friends to then having a peer group of people who they can relate to. 

Yeah, cool. So, Molly, when you facilitate like the lunch group, do you choose? 

Mm hmm. 

Like intentionally choose who goes to lunch? 

Yes, we do. It's intentional. We have groups here that, like outing groups. And so a lot of times, like if someone new moves in, and I know they're really desiring connection with others, then I might just take a group out to lunch to get to know that person. We even do it a lot of times on Zoom. So if I know someone's coming in, who’s really worried about making friends or really lacking that in their life, you know. A lot of times that's the main reason they want to live here is because they're missing that social connection. And I’ll start having someone come in my office and we'll do a Zoom call and just let them talk to each other so that when that person gets here, they already have a couple familiar faces. So yeah, I think it's important to be the in between as long as they need you to and then like I said, kind of back away.

Yeah, love it. Thank you so much for sharing that because there's so much richness in what you've just said as far as building friendships for your child and then helping them grow and nurture them and then being able to back off and just let your children take off. It must be just such a wonderful feeling when you see them fly. And friendships that are developing and they're kind of connecting and doing stuff together. I love that. 

Yes, it's funny because I was the manager this weekend. And so we call it DoD. So, director on duty. We trade off weekends and so on Friday, I was having to be in town and I was like, I'm just gonna pop by Daymark. It was about nine o'clock in the evening. And so I popped by and there was a group of about 10 residents on our back porch, which is beautiful, the weather's nice here. And I said,

because curfews 10 to be in their cottages. I was like, ‘What are you guys doing?’ Like, it's nine o'clock, you know, and they're like, ‘Hanging out.’ They had music going and a couple of them were playing cards. And I just, it warmed my heart because I'm like, that's exactly what people in their 20s and 30s and 40s, you know, desire is those connections. And there was no staff anywhere in sight. They were just being friends. And I loved that it was girls and boys and justhaving those interactions. And there was times of kind of long, paused silences, or maybe no one knew what to say. But they picked it up whenever someone was ready, or whenever someone had something to say, and it was just, it's really neat to watch. 

Yeah. Oh, how beautiful is that? And just that they have the opportunity to create that themselves. And they took the initiative to do it. 

Yeah. 

And yeah, and sometimes when you're in company, it's just nice not to have to say anything. Just be with your own thoughts, but just know that there's somebody near you. 

Yes. 

So I love that. Oh, that's amazing. Thank you for sharing that story. All right. So before we conclude, Molly, do you have any pearls of wisdom? I always ask my guests if they have something that they would like to share with our audience.

Yeah, I mean, I think if we kind of stay on the topic of, you know, what we're talking about here today, I would say, plan. That's the big thing, just make a plan. Your plan may not be right, but that's okay, just make a plan.

I think we may have talked about this before, but I think so often parents with young children that have IDD, and then teenagers, you know, with each developmental stage comes all of these new kind of challenges and joy and all of these things. And I think it's really easy to get caught up in today. What's happening today? What do we need to do today? You know, the to do list of today, I think it's really important to get away sometimes and just have a time to plan, for that next stage or those next two stages, so that you know where you're going.

Because what happens is if you don't do that, then you wake up and they're 22. And you're like, Oh my gosh, you know, now what? Or what we see is, you know, someone's back living, or they're living at home, and there's nothing going on during the day and they get depressed. And now we've got these other kinds of you know other challenges that you may have not anticipated. And so I feel like my advice is just plan. Come up with a plan, it may be wrong, and you will probably change that plan, and it will probably take some zigs and zags, but that's okay.

But plan out so that in your absence, you know, those that also care for this person will know what your wishes were. Write them down, type them up, you know, let someone know where those things are. And that way it's not, you’re not leaving someone with the like, ‘Well, we're going to do the best we can’, you know. They'll say this is what we think that their family wanted and we're going to make sure that we're making it happen. So that's probably my advice for today.

Well, Molly, thank you so much for being with us. It's been such a pleasure. As I've said before, I could talk with you all day, you have so much to share. So thank you again for being here. And audience, I just want you to listen in, listen good and pass this message on because there's so many parents that could benefit from our conversation today. Thank you, Molly. 

Yes, thanks for having me. I appreciate what you're doing. So I'm happy to help. 

All right. Thank you so much. So audience, keep building your child's future. And remember to live with intention. Embrace the journey.

You can reach Dr. Denny at molly.denny@daymarkliving.com               

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