Building an Awesome Ordinary Life: Eric Goll's 8-Step Life Planning Process

In this powerful conversation, Valerie welcomes disability life-planning coach Eric Goll to discuss how families can proactively create meaningful futures for their loved ones with developmental disabilities.

Eric Goll is a certified coach from Royal Roads University and founder of Empowering Ability. Eric shares his deeply personal journey of growing up alongside his sister Sarah and the pivotal moment when his mother reached burnout and called for help. That experience led him to dedicate his life to helping families plan beyond crisis and create "awesome ordinary lives" for their loved ones.

Drawing on his experience supporting more than 1,000 families, Eric walks us through his proven 8-Step Life Planning Process, designed to help families move from overwhelm to action.

In This Episode We Discuss:

✅ Why waiting for a crisis often leads to limited options

✅ The importance of starting future planning before burnout occurs

✅ How parents can shift from being caregivers to becoming coaches

✅ Why capability matters more than traditional definitions of independence

✅ The powerful mindset shift from "can't" to "can if"

✅ Building meaningful relationships and support circles

✅ Creating opportunities for contribution, purpose, volunteering, and employment

✅ Why housing should be considered after other life-planning foundations are in place

✅ Exploring ordinary housing options before special or segregated settings

✅ The five layers of sustainable support:

• Self-support (capability)
• Technology supports
• Family supports
• Natural supports
• Paid supports

✅ Breaking a long-term vision into achievable three-month action steps

Eric's 8-Step Life Planning Framework

1. Engage – Commit to creating a vision for the future.
2. Connect – Understand who your loved one truly is.
3. Capability – Build skills and independence one step at a time.
4. Relationships – Create meaningful connections and support circles.
5. Contribution – Foster purpose through volunteering, work, and community involvement.
6. Home – Explore the best living environment for your loved one.
7. Support & Finances – Build sustainable supports and financial security.
8. Implement – Turn the vision into action through practical goals and next steps.

Memorable Quote

"The best time to plant an oak tree was 20 years ago. The second-best time is today." — Eric Goll

Key Takeaway

You don't have to have the entire plan figured out. The most important step is simply to begin. Small, consistent actions taken today can create a dramatically different future for your loved one tomorrow.

To learn more about Eric’s 8-step process – check here:

Life Planning 101 Guide: https://www.empoweringability.org/life-planning-101-guide-ml/

About the Podcast

Forever Home for Our Kids with Disabilities is dedicated to helping families create secure, meaningful futures for their loved ones through planning, advocacy, housing solutions, and community connection.

Live with intention. Embrace the journey. 💜

Connect with Eric

https://www.empoweringability.org

https://www.facebook.com/empoweringability

Connect with Valerie

info@foreverhomeconsulting.ca

Music Acknowledgement: Audio Coffee - Denys Kyshchuk

Editor: Scott Arbeau

Link for book: The S.H.I.N.E. Principle: The special needs mom's path to strength, hope and happiness by Valerie Arbeau

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0CW18ZXGX (Canada)

https://a.co/d/03hFdZI4 (United States)

Learn more about your host at:
https://coachingwithvalerieanne.com/

Transcript

[01:00:33:16 - 01:00:58:04]

Valerie

Hello, and welcome to today's episode of ever home for our kids with disabilities. I am so grateful for each and every one of you who tunes in to listen and/or to watch this podcast. We so appreciate you. Thank you so much. And thank you to those that are sharing the podcast episodes. We really appreciate it because there's so many families that need to hear the information that we share.

So today, today, I have a special guest from Ontario, Canada.

And his name is Eric Goll. Eric's mission is born out of love for his sister and a deep commitment to ensuring that people with developmental disabilities can lead the awesome, ordinary lives they deserve.

Eric is a certified coach from Royal Roads University.

He combines his personal experience with professional expertise to provide tailored guidance to families. Through his work with over 1000 families, Eric has learned what works and what doesn't, allowing him to guide families more effectively on this journey.

Eric helps families transition their loved one with developmental disabilities into a meaningful, independent life that they deserve.

So welcome, Eric.

[01:01:51:19 - 01:01:54:09]

Eric

Thank you, Valerie. It's a pleasure to be here.

[01:01:54:09 - 01:02:06:11]

Valerie

And it's a pleasure to have you. Thank you so much for agreeing to be with us. So I usually asked all my guests, how did they get into the world of people with disabilities? So please share with us your journey.

[01:02:06:11 - 01:02:43:19]

Eric

 Yeah, so for me, I was I don't have a, you know, a disability per se myself, I would be somebody who's considered neurotypical, but I was born into a world where my sister had a disability. So I have an older sister, so born into that type of a family environment. So it's really all that I've known. Growing up with an older sister with a disability, and I think, you know, just because it's all that I've known, it was kind of just that's normal family life, right growing up. And I started to grow up, maybe, I don't know exactly the point in time where I realized that my family experience was different than maybe my friends family experience where they didn't have a loved one with a with a disability, I would say maybe around eight, 10 years old, I really started to become aware of it.

[01:03:05:05 - 01:03:35:22]

Eric

 And then kind of go on from there, got me more and more and more aware of what those differences were. But that's how it kind of came to be for me. And then really getting more involved in in my family life and helping my sister create her own life wasn't until I don't know, my late 20s, something like that. So it was around 2015, when I got much more involved in helping my sister kind of plan her life and help my mom, support my mom, I guess, through that process as well.

[01:03:37:01 - 01:04:16:02]

Valerie

 Well, I love the fact that you were aware and the fact that you actually wanted to help your mom go through this process, because it's not easy as a parent being a parent of two myself with disabilities, trying to navigate what it's like to live life just to keep it all together. The appointments, the this, the that, like it's just ongoing when the children are little. And then as they mature, it's like, okay, so what does the future look like? Because then that mortality thing comes in, I ain't gonna live forever. So how am I, how am I going to cope? And I don't like to say that we're getting older, but we mature. So, our bodies don't work the same way.

And when we have children like my daughter, my oldest is total care, it's like, can I sustain this kind of care for her long term. So those were some of the things that I was thinking about before we set up our daughter. So I'm sure your mom was probably thinking along the same lines.

[01:04:31:24 - 01:05:05:12]

Eric

 Yeah, and that was really at the point where I got involved. So my mom did everything until she couldn't do anything. So she became just physically, emotionally burnt out, exhausted. And it was around the time of 2015, called me in tears. And I remember I was at work at a small startup company. And you know, it was like two in the afternoon, I see my mom's name come up on my phone. I was like, why is my mom calling me right now? And I pick up and like, ‘Hi, mom what's up? I'm kind of in the middle of things at work.’

[01:05:06:15 - 01:05:23:04]

Eric

 I could immediately hear the emotion in her voice. And I don't know what exactly happened at home, something happened. And she was like, I can't do it anymore. And my stomach drops just knowing. That's all she had to say, right? Like I completely understood where she was at.

And at that point in time, it was just making a decision, right? Do I just keep focusing on my own life? I was very career driven at that point in time, focusing on me, knowing that there were challenges within my family. But you know, this is kind of my mom crying for help. So yeah, we're having this conversation today. So we know which decision I chose.

So yeah focused on supporting my family to kind of move forward from that.

[01:05:53:01 - 01:06:08:09]

Valerie

 Yeah, well, that's amazing that you took the time and sacrificed your career to be able to do this. But I always feel that there’s a silver lining. And we get guided to where we're meant to be. So I believe that this is what you were created to do.

[01:06:08:09 - 01:06:41:13]

Eric

 Yeah, I believe the same. Like you mentioned the word sacrifice. I don't view it as a sacrifice. I view it as really finding that calling or finding more purpose in my life. And I think this kind of supporting my sister and then, you know, working with other families has added a lot more purpose and meaning to my life. And yeah, it's been super rewarding seeing my sister grow tremendously, seeing my mom happier and not burnt out.

And then translating that, that learning and that work to be able to help other families achieve the same.

[01:06:48:21 - 01:08:01:04]

Valerie

 Yes, yes. I love it. I love it. I love it. We're on the same trajectory with regards to helping families understand that there is another way that we can give our loved ones an opportunity to live independent of us. And I so can relate to your mom with the burnout. I was honestly probably millimeters from total burnout when we decided that we needed to do something different for our daughter, Melody-Anne, who is total care. And not that we didn't love her and not that we didn't want to be able to care for her, but I recognized I couldn't keep all the balls in the air. I was working. I'm a wife. I'm a mom to two, both of them needing some sort of intervention, whether it be through medical or whatever the services may be for each of the children. And so you get to a place where you can't keep it all together. And it's just unfortunate that often we get to that place of total burnout before we recognize we can't do it anymore. So this is part of why you do what you do and why I do what I do so that we can help prevent this burnout and we can get people to recognize and families to realize that there is another way that we can architect the future for our children.

Eric

Yeah

[01:08:02:07 - 01:08:17:13]

Valerie

 Yeah. So Eric, tell me, you've been working with over 1000 families. So congratulations on that. Yeah. And you have a program, the eight step life planning process. So please share with us, what were the factors that prompted you to develop this program?

[01:08:19:05 - 01:08:26:20]

Eric

 Yeah, so things kind of naturally progressed after supporting my sister to build her own life.

So from there, I dove deeper into coaching and then got mentors and started a podcast and did all of those things to kind of, I guess, deepen my knowledge in terms of how I can really create a structured program to support families to move forward. And then started coaching families one on one. And then from there, coaching families in small groups. And I've been doing that since 2018. 2018 was the first time I did kind of a small group coaching with 30 families. And then it's just kind of grown from there to serve now over 1000 families, which is kind of hard to believe in my own head.

[01:09:11:10 - 01:10:00:06]

Eric

 So just through working with all of those families and several different cohorts, because usually I work with a group of families at one time, it's just been a tweaking and revising of the process over time to really what's super effective and leaving the non-super effective pieces behind and just refining over time. So yeah, we've kind of narrowed it down to an eight-step process, which I teach families through a workshop. So I call it like a life planning one on one workshop, I think you might have attended that Valerie. And then for families that want to actually go deeper and build a customized life plan with my support, I've got a full program called the customized life plan program the families can then further join. But yeah, if you're interested, we can walk through kind of what those eight steps are and at a high level, and if families are interested, we can give them kind of resources to go deeper, if that's helpful.

[01:10:15:08 - 01:10:19:13]

Valerie

 Yeah, that would be great. Thank you so much. So yeah, let's look at those eight steps.

[01:10:19:13 - 01:10:58:19]

Eric

 Yeah, sounds good. So you kind of already mentioned step one, which is engage. And really what engage is is making the commitment to get started to start to, like your words, architect the future. So to create a positive vision, life vision for your loved one, because if we just kind of let things move forward without putting intentional thought into what life could look like for our loved one with a disability, then that's when we end up in crisis, right? We're kind of stuck in the weeds doing the day-to-day caregiving.

[01:11:00:00 - 01:11:31:12]

Eric

 And it's hard to see beyond that. And if we just continue to do that, in the day to day, what often happens is you hit that wall of burnout, or you get to a point in life where you're hoping that the government systems, the social system will step in and provide the support for your loved one. And I think for many families, if you get to that point, and you go to reach out to those supports, what you think might be there for a support system, you're very disappointed. 

So for my family, we thought that at that point in time, a group home would be available for my sister, that's all we knew. We know much better now that, but it was a 20-year waitlist to access that sort of support. And since going through the learning in that process, it's figuring out that, hey, there's actually a lot better home options than a group home for our loved ones. And all that, and in the eight-step life planning process, home is step number six. 

If we just leave things on default and kind of go move forward in that direction, unfortunately, what most of the time is the outcome, is your loved one ends up in the hands of the social system. And the social system does not have a good plan for your loved one. So making the decision to say, okay, we're going to be intentional about this. We're going to create a plan, even though it's hard.

Because it's acknowledging in a way, your mortality, it's acknowledging that, well, okay, I can't do this forever. Right? Which is really hard. So there's a lot of emotional stuff tied up in that. And I know you've gone through it Valerie or you're going through it. So the first step is to say, engage, just didn't commit, right? Okay, I'm going to move forward. 

[01:13:10:23 - 01:13:16:15]

Eric

 So as I'm going through these steps, if you want to jump in, ask any questions, or whatever, please do.

[01:13:16:15 - 01:13:17:09]

Valerie

 Okay.

[01:13:17:09 - 01:14:47:22]

Eric

 So that's the first step. Step two is connect. So it's making sure that we deeply understand who our loved one is before building the life plan. Because when we're just starting, often, we are in the weeds and being in the weeds might be, you know… there's a frustration that you have with your loved one, or you're only seeing the caregiving piece with your loved one. And if we just build a plan based on that, it's not going to be a great plan for your loved one. So we want to zoom out, we want to be flying that plane 5,000 feet in the air and looking down on, who your loved one truly is so we can see all of who your loved one is. When I work with families, in the customized life plan program on a deeper level, we actually start asking questions of other people as well that know your loved one well, so we can see a more holistic view of who your loved one is. So we want to make sure that we're super clear on who your loved one is. Because if we skip that part, we're not going to be able to build a very good plan for your loved one. So yeah, so that's step number two, connect, be connected in with who your loved one is. The other piece is this often holds families up, is not necessarily needing your loved one to be on board with creating the life plan up front.

[01:14:47:22 - 01:14:49:07]

Valerie

 Okay.

[01:14:49:07 - 01:15:09:04]

Eric

 Because when I work with families, say 97, I was gonna say 95, it's higher than that, it's like 97% of time, their loved one with a disability is not interested in the idea of creating a life plan. Why? Because it means change, and change is often hard.

It means, especially if a family is thinking about home, or thinking about the future of their loved one living somewhere else, or not living with mom and dad, it's like, well, that's an overwhelming thought. 

Valerie

Yeah. 

Eric

Right. And, what are you trying to kick me out? Right? Like, so those are the sorts of thoughts and overwhelm that can that often come up for our loved ones with a disability. So the key here is, if you're listening to this, you're likely the family leader or one of the family leaders in your household. So, it's for you to get started. And most often that's getting started without your loved one. And throughout the eight-step process, we look for ways to engage your loved one along the way. And it doesn't have to be in a full life planning process. It's just like maybe one of the eight steps, we find ways to engage them and, and slowly help them kind of move forward through the process one small step at a time.

[01:16:04:08 - 01:16:14:14]

Valerie

 So, I guess this is just giving them a bit of an awareness of, things may change, they're not going to change just now. But we're working towards change coming down the road.

[01:16:14:14 - 01:16:55:15]

Eric

 That might work for some folks that might also overwhelm some folks, right? So it really has to be a personalized approach to how you know your loved one best, and how to engage them. I think the key that I really stress from working with families on this is patience, right? Don't feel like you have to go when you start doing this life planning, or you start going through these eight steps, don't feel like you need to your loved one to know each of these eight steps or your loved one needs to know everything that you're learning, that's probably going to overwhelm them. So you're probably gonna have more conversations amongst your family members.

And when you do that, it's looking for where your loved one’s leaning in, and looking for where your loved one’s interested, and then engage them on that topic, right? And then maybe try and get a win with them on that topic. And then once you do, you can start bringing them into other areas.

[01:17:12:13 - 01:17:35:00]

Valerie

 Okay, love it. So you've obviously thought this through. And I guess having 1000 families under your belt, you have kinda been able to navigate and know kind of what works. In my world, what I'm learning with some of the families I'm working with, the actual child that they're thinking about their future home, actually wants to leave home.

So I have a little bit of the opposite because the parents are still holding on real tight. Okay, the child themselves, they actually want to experience what it's like living without their parents. So yes, I think it's just being aware of the different approaches. And as you said, the child and how they respond to, how they react, and how they take on new information in new situations. Right?

[01:17:57:15 - 01:18:30:03]

Eric

 Yeah. And I think that both situations have their challenges, right? I think just from my experience, it's been the their loved one doesn't want change, right? Versus their loved one does want change, and the parents are resistant to the change. But Yeah, I think you're also identifying that even if mom or dad or another family member has the vision to be looking forward and saying, Okay, we need to start planning for the future because this isn't sustainable long term.

There's still a big emotional piece to work through as mom or dad. And it doesn't mean that it has to happen tomorrow. When I'm working with families, we're thinking on a five-year time horizon.

So giving yourself a break to say, okay, this is going to take some time. But let's plan to create a plan and have a process to follow where it's just small steps moving forward.

[01:18:55:22 - 01:18:57:18]

Valerie

 Like it, love it.

[01:18:57:18 - 01:19:01:22]

Eric

 Okay, so we covered step one – engage; step two connect.

Let's move to step number three, which is capability. And Valerie, I'll give you a link that folks can reference these eight steps. They don't have to memorize at all. And it's kind of my life plan. It's my life planning 101 guide so they can go through it in more detail. Okay, so step three, capability.

Families often use the word independence. So I would use these words interchangeably capability and independence. And it's not about your loved one being completely independent.

[01:19:38:10 - 01:20:06:18]

Eric

 Okay, so it's how can we help your loved one grow more independence? 

Valerie

Right. 

Eric

And I'd make the argument that no matter how significant our loved one's disability is, we can help them grow. We can help them grow more independence. And that might look different for everyone. Right.

Even if you're loved one has a significant disability we can still help them grow.

[01:20:07:19 - 01:20:40:11]

Eric

What I work with here with families is really a lot of mindset work, because there's often these thoughts and ideas in terms of, well, my loved one can't do this, my loved one can't do that. For example, my loved one can't do their own self-care. My loved one might be brush their teeth, might be get out of bed in the morning, it might be get dressed. And by the way, we believe that my sister can't or could not do those things when she was living with my parents. So prior to 2015, mom provided support for my sister for all of those things. And we held a belief, because we never tried anything different, that my sister Sarah couldn't do any of those things. So we had to really change our thinking.

[01:20:59:06 - 01:21:11:12]

Eric

 And that's where it started with, right? So it didn't really start with my sister, it started with me and my mom and my dad changing our thinking about what could be possible for Sarah, right? So our expectations were limiting my sister's growth. Right. So it's really important for us to recognize that. Because so often it's we just think that it's about our loved one, but it's actually about us.

[01:21:26:19 - 01:21:58:01]

Eric

 Right. Yeah. So’ once we started examining that, we're like, well, okay, let's change that can't to Sarah can if, so from can't to can if yes. So Sarah can get herself out of bed in the morning, if she has her walker beside her bed. 

Valerie

Right. 

Eric

It's like, okay, well, why have we never thought of that before? We get stuck in these patterns as families and just like, this is how we do things, right?

So, you know, we supported my sister by having the tool that she needed to get herself out of bed. Okay, now she can get herself out of bed in the morning. Okay, that's a huge win, huge step forward. So whatever that ‘can't’ is for your loved one, is thinking, well, okay, what if you replace that ‘can't’ with ‘can if?’ What are the tools, strategies, solutions that are possible to help your loved one continue to grow. So this is an example of a best practice and some mindset work that I often guide families through.

[01:22:28:12 - 01:22:54:13]

Valerie

 Yes, I'm just going to interrupt for a second because as you were talking there about Sarah never really having the opportunity to use her walker and get herself out of bed. I was just thinking, as parents, we get into efficiency mode. So we do, because it's efficient, and it's quicker. I'm the type of person racing against the clock, I need to get on Caribbean time and start slowing down. But anyway, that's another time.

[01:22:55:19 - 01:23:26:04]

Valerie

 But that was one of the things that my husband and I got so much into a routine, that it was just so efficient, and it was quick. And we had so much to do to get this child on the bus to go to school in the morning. So I totally get where you don't stop and think, well, what if we gave Melody-Anne an opportunity to try something? And if we set her up and being a physiotherapist, (that's my background), that's part of what I do as my job is setting people up for success. But as a mom of a child with special needs, didn't always think that through.

[01:23:26:04 - 01:24:34:22]

Eric

 And that makes sense, right? Like, you got to get your loved one on the bus, or you got to get them to school, there's a time that's time bound, you got to make a certain number of things happen in a specific amount of time. Like, I don't have time to, you know, teach my loved one how to do this right now. Like, it makes sense, right? But also, when we step back and think about it, if we never change, or we never shift out of that way of doing and being, then we're just stuck in that cycle forever. Yeah. So we're also taking away the opportunity for our loved one to learn, progress, and grow, right? So yes, it's faster in the moment. But there's these other challenges as continuing to just create moving forward. And it also one of the key concepts that I help families learn, especially parents, is to shift from being just the caregiver to being the coach.

So instead of doing things for your loved one, or instead of telling your loved one what to do, which, hey, we're all really good at that, right? Instead, stepping back and how can we partner with our loved one to help them grow, right? And it doesn't mean that your loved ones are going to be, you know, fully independent in this western ideal, it's going to be thinking about, well, how can your loved one continue to grow if it's a 10 step process to do whatever to get dressed in the morning, right? Maybe your loved one's not going to do all 10 steps. But hey, maybe we can start with step number one, and two, and then maybe they help with step three to nine, and then they do 10 on their own, right? And then maybe over time, they can build the capability to do those other steps. But once your loved one's doing more of those steps on their own, hey, what does that mean? Well, as a caregiver, it gives you more freedom too. 

Valerie

Yes, right. 

Eric

So it's an investment, being a coach is an investment of time versus just being stuck in this cycle of doing and doing and doing and caregiving. So those are some of the strategies behind the capability piece, which is step number three. And then what I work with, when I work with families, we're building a five-year vision for each of these core life domains. So capability is one of those core life domains. So we want to think out five years from now, what would be awesome in terms of capability for your loved one and painting that picture? Because we want a direction to start to move forward to.

[01:26:17:16 - 01:26:29:22]

Valerie

 Yeah, yeah. Like you say, painting that vision, but having something to look forward to, this is the goal we're working towards, because then the motivation will keep going if you know where your end goal is.

[01:26:29:22 - 01:26:43:10]

Eric

 Exactly. And it starts to shift you out of just the day to day to, okay, we understand what better looks like, and how to start to move in that direction. And you can start to move in that direction, one step at a time.

[01:26:43:10 - 01:26:44:10]

Valerie

 Yes.

[01:26:45:11 - 01:27:12:24]

Eric

 Yeah. Okay, so that's capability. Step number three, step number four is relationships. Now, often, it's challenging for a person with a developmental disability to build and develop and maybe even deepen relationships with neurotypical folks. And there's many reasons for that. A big one is systematic barriers.

I mean, if you even think about the school system, right? So many school systems are still placing people with developmental disabilities into special classrooms. What does that do? It makes it very hard for a person to connect with other people that have strong social skills, right? So, you know, people we might term as neurotypical kids don't have the opportunity to interact very much with kids that would be called neurodivergent. So it creates a separation, it creates this othering, it creates a challenge to be able to learn good social skills from other people who have strong social skills, because you're placed with other people who have maybe underdeveloped social skills. So, any systematic barriers in place make that really challenging for people with developmental disabilities, societal barriers as well.

[01:28:13:04 - 01:28:36:01]

Eric

 So it's really important for us to acknowledge that and then think intentionally about how do we support our loved one to build more intentional relationships with neurotypical folks. And I really have a focus on helping families think about relationships with neurotypical folks, because

that's usually what's missing in your loved one's life. And as a mom or as a dad, as a caregiver, you're thinking about, well, okay, I'm my loved one's go to person right now.

Probably no one's going to replace you, no one person's going to replace you. But how can we think about a few people replacing you? And they're probably not going to replace everything that you do. But we want people there that we trust that are going to have our loved ones back, that are going to help our loved one make decisions, that are going to advocate for our loved one. And when we think about who those people are, who those people we want to be there, those are neurotypical folks, typically.

[01:29:26:12 - 01:30:04:09]

Eric

 So that's really where I lean in terms of helping families to put their energy and attention on. And one of the tools to do that is a support circle. And what a support circle is simply for folks that maybe haven't heard of it is, it's just exactly what I'm describing in terms of intentionally bringing people in to get to know your loved one. Sometimes if a circle is more formal, it can be set up where you might have four to six meetings per year, you might even have an agenda for those meetings around helping your loved one to achieve their goals or live into that life plan.

But it can also just be more social, helping people get to know your loved one on a deeper level.

So I'll pause right there, Valerie, any comments or questions?

[01:30:15:00 - 01:31:01:11]

Valerie

 Well, I'm just thinking about the support circle, because that's something that as a parent, I didn't really think too much about. But it is something that I'm very cognizant of that is extremely needed in my child's life. My youngest is doing well with their neurodivergence and sort of creating community. But my oldest who is nonverbal, G-tube fed, wheelchair bound, not so easy for her. So this is something that has been heavy on my heart. And so timely that we're having this conversation now, because it is something that's on my mind to do. And actually, I have included the thought of and referenced you, support circles in my book that I'm writing  I actually just finished that chapter.

[01:31:03:10 - 01:31:34:22]

Valerie

 So I will be pointing people to you because I do believe the importance of that, because I'm not going to be here forever. Andunfortunately, for my children, Scott and I don't have any family in the same city that we live in. So we really don't have anybody to step in for us, or if we become ill, or we're not able to physically do what we need to do for our children. So this is something that's really dear to my heart right now that I need to be working on to make sure that the pieces are in place for when we're no longer able to do what we do for our children.

[01:31:34:22 - 01:31:49:16]

Eric

 Yeah. And thank you for sharing that. Thinking about a support circle can be extremely overwhelming, especially if you're feeling like, there isn't a family member that's close or knows our loved one well, or that lives close by.

I hear you and you're not alone in that. So what I guide families to is you don't need to invite four people or six people or eight people all in at once, right? That's for most families, a very overwhelming thought. So how do we simplify it? What's the simplest version of this? And I actually learned this through other families, because I kind of followed the traditional model of support circles, which is great.

And that original idea of support circles came from Judith Snow. And then it's been kind of iterated on and evolved over time.

So one family that's coming to mind. The mom's name is Peggy, and her son's name is also Eric. Peggy actually followed the eight steps life planning process and started with capability. Eric was interested in cooking. So she started investing and coaching Eric on how to cook, and he started to gravitate towards making lunch and making these delicious sandwiches. 

So the idea popped in her mind, well, what if I just invite one person over and Eric  can make lunch? That puts Eric in a valued role. He's contributing to that person that in that he’s inviting over. It's a pretty, you know, awesome, ordinary thing to do. So they invited Eric's cousin Fawny over, Fawny brought her baby over. 

The outcome of that was not only that they had a great time, that she was interested in coming over again, but Fawny's mom was like, ‘Why the heck didn't you invite me?’ I'm the next person you're inviting over. So now it's evolving into Eric sandwich club, right? Which isn't the how a traditional circle works, but hey, it's a great way to get started, right? Just one intentional relationship at a time. And then you can add a second person at a third over time.

[01:35:08:11 - 01:35:18:05]

Eric

 And even, you know, thinking about it, what difference would it make if your loved one just had one more person that was interested in their life?

[01:35:18:05 - 01:35:20:24]

Valerie

 Yes, absolutely. Absolutely.

[01:35:35:00 - 01:36:21:18]

Eric

Number five is contribution.

So contribution is thinking about how do we create a meaningful life? How do we create purpose in our loved one’s day? Because so often people with disabilities, our loved ones are put in this role as a client, right? So they need to be served, right? Often people with disabilities are just thought of, how can we keep them busy? Or how can we keep them occupied? So it often leads to filling their life with activities. But just doing activities all the time doesn't provide meaning or substance to a person's life. Flipping the thinking of our loved one just being in a client role to how can our loved one serve other people? How can our loved one contribute to the lives of other people? So it could be thinking about what might a part-time job look like? What might volunteering look like? And when we do that, it actually helps our loved one not only build more meaning in their life and their day, but it helps other people see our loved one as valued.

[01:37:23:08 - 01:38:23:20]

Valerie

 Yes, which is so important, so important. As you're speaking about volunteering, I'm just thinking about Melody-Anne, who for a long time kept saying the name of her elementary school. She wouldn't really give us much on her device about why she kept talking about, Emily Follensby's the name of the school. But to do what Melody-Anne, you've left school now, you've done high school, you're done school. So what it turned out to be Eric, is that she wanted to volunteer at the school, because she uses a communication device, and other children are learning how to use communication devices at that school. That's where she got her first device. So she initiated that, it just took me a while to figure it out, but we managed to make it happen for her. And then one of the other things that they did, all of the ladies in the house, they went to one of the parks.

[01:38:25:03 - 01:38:41:09]

Valerie

 And they got volunteer status from the city, and they went to pick up litter from one of the parks here. So again, it's just giving them that sense of meaning and that sense of contribution. And so I highly encourage it. And I'm glad you brought that up today.

[01:38:41:09 - 01:39:18:19]

Eric

 Yeah, and it's, to your point, you might not know what that exactly is going to look like for your loved ones. So through this whole process of thinking about creating that awesome, ordinary life for your loved one, creating that life plan, there's often a lot of exploring involved. You think about what might be best for your loved one, but then you got to kind of support your loved one to try or experiment with it. 

And the other piece is that there's no creating a perfect plan. So you create what you think is best, and then it's going to evolve over time.

[01:39:28:09 - 01:41:24:18]

Eric

Okay, let's move into the next step, which is step number six, home. So it's thinking about creating the best home for your loved one. Now, many families that I work with or that I start working with, they're like, okay, let's focus on home. Right. But it's step six for a reason, right? Because if we only think about home, we're missing a huge other section of your loved one's life. And all of the steps that we've talked about so far before step number six, help your loved one have a better home life. Because if your loved one is growing, and they're expanding their capability, they're going to be more capable in their own home, which might mean less paid support, which might mean more freedom and more privacy, potentially in their own home. Relationships. If we don't focus on relationships, we don't want our loved one to be isolated. Right. 

Valerie

Right. 

Eric

So we want to think about, well, maybe they want other people to help them make decisions if they're in their own home. Maybe they want people to come visit when they're in their own home, right? 

So all of these steps build on each other. They're strategic the order that they're in. 

Think through, well, what are all of the ordinary options where anyone could live and start by exploring those. One of my mentors uses this quote, her name's Lorna Sullivan, and she says to exhaust the ordinary before the special.

[01:41:59:16 - 01:42:01:24]

Valerie

 Okay, like it.

[01:42:01:24 - 01:42:31:22]

Eric

 So the special is there, but let's explore and exhaust the ordinary before going into the special. And when we exhaust the ordinary, that opens the doors to so many more possibilities that we wouldn't even have considered if we didn't take that approach. So one often thought experiment that I guide families through is thinking about, well, what would it look like for your loved one to live in an apartment?

[01:43:06:12 - 01:43:15:14]

Eric

 What types of supports might be needed? What might our loved one be able to do on their own? What might they need to live?

[01:43:16:15 - 01:43:20:16]

Eric

 What might they need to learn to live in that type of environment?

[01:43:21:16 - 01:43:47:14]

Eric

 What are the vulnerabilities we need to protect against? So it just guides us through thinking about what a more ordinary home could look like. 

Now, I suggested that there's a better, there's better homes than a group home for our loved ones. And the reason behind that is when wethink about a group home environment, it's really forced shared living. So what do I mean by that? Well, often a group home will have something like four to six beds in it, which is often how an agency would talk about it. And maybe there's an empty bed in that group home. And so what would that look like? Well, it would be our loved one moving in with three to five other people who all have disabilities, who are all strangers. And our loved one is not necessarily choosing that for themselves. So that's what I mean by forced shared living. So if we didn't think about that for ourselves, if we were put in that situation where we didn't have a choice, and we're put into forced shared living with three to five other people who we don't know, all whom have disabilities, where people are working in that house, who we don't get to pick who those people are, we don't get to pick who's coming and going, there's a high turnover of people, we don't get to choose the rules of how that whole house operates. But we have to abide by those rules.

[01:44:59:21 - 01:45:04:14]

Eric

 Right? And it's thinking about, well, for ourselves, would we choose to live there?

And that's the answer that 100% of people give Valerie, right? So why do we assume that people with disabilities need to live in a group home?

Right. So we need to kind of do that level of thinking to then be like, okay.

[01:45:24:12 - 01:45:33:14]

Valerie

 So when you say, 

Eric

I'm hoping to explore in the ordinary. 

Valerie

Sorry, when you say group home, are you talking government subsidized kind of housing or government operated? Is that what you mean by group home?

[01:45:33:14 - 01:45:40:10]

Eric

 Yeah. So when we think about group homes, I mean, there's different definitions behind it. When I think about a group home, yeah, I think traditionally we're talking about, you know, where an agency is running the home. When I think about it, it's more that for shared living piece.

[01:45:51:18 - 01:45:52:12]

Valerie

 Okay.

[01:45:52:12 - 01:46:26:24]

Eric

 So it doesn't matter who's operating it. Because we're really thinking about, what is it like to live in that environment. So we're thinking about the living environment. And anytime people are really forced to live together, where you have multiple people with disabilities living together, and then multiple different supporters coming and going, it creates an environment where you start to lose control. Like you don't have control over your home. 

Valerie

Right. 

Eric

If we think about what is home? For most people, it means privacy, it means freedom, it means home is really our sanctuary.

[01:46:36:02 - 01:46:37:00]

Valerie

 Yeah.

[01:46:58:14 - 01:47:12:03]

Eric

It's thinking about what's the best home environment for our loved one, and creating that vision for what that could look like. And then how can we start to take small steps toward that?

[01:47:12:03 - 01:47:16:02]

Valerie

 Okay, cool. All right. So next step.

[01:47:16:02 - 01:47:25:17]

Eric

 Yeah, the next step. So that's six. And then step seven is support and finances. So it's thinking about what are the right types of support for our loved ones.  

Our brains automatically are trained to go toward paid support. 

It may or might not be the right type of support. So the way I guide families to think about it is those aren't your only two options. Okay. There's five different types of support that you want to think about. And you want to strategically layer those types of support into your loved one's life in a specific order.

[01:48:06:20 - 01:48:19:01]

Eric

 So the first type of support is self-support or that capability piece. So that's kind of bringing in step three of life planning process into where we're at right now and thinking about support.

And if we think about it, I help families kind of visualize this as thinking about it being a support pyramid. So, if we put capability at the bottom or self-support at the bottom, the more we can build that up, the more stable your loved ones support is going to be.

[01:48:38:05 - 01:48:39:03]

Valerie

 Okay.

[01:48:40:07 - 01:48:44:16]

Eric

 Then the next layer or level we want to think about building in is what technology supports can we put in place? Okay, so technology keeps growing, keeps expanding, is going to play a bigger and bigger role in our lives as we move forward.

And there's different types of technology that can provide support for your loved one, whether it's as simple as providing prompts or reminders or calendar tools, or things like front door safety, or kitchen safety. There's so many different types of technologies that we can build in that provide protections and support for our loved ones. Some are going to be right for your loved one, some are not going to be right. So you have to evaluate those, but it's a pretty reliable type of support that is usually just a one-time cost. I mean, some things require subscriptions and stuff like that, but it's usually more cost effective than paid support.

[01:49:33:00 - 01:49:33:18]

Valerie

 Yes.

[01:49:33:18 - 01:50:28:24]

Eric

 The third tier of support, we want to think about layering in is family support. So I get it, most families want to be doing less of that. But it's still an important level and layer to put in there because that type of support is based on love, based on trust, and is going to be there. So we still want to layer that in the next layer of support to think about as natural supports. So what does natural supports mean? It means it could be things like a supportive roommate. So maybe a neurotypical roommate that lives with your loved one that knows how to keep a home, knows how to make meals, things like that person to be a good role model. It could be, if we're thinking about in the community, like work or volunteering, it could be a peer that your loved one volunteers or works beside. It could be a supportive neighbor, those sorts of things. 

And the last piece we want to layer in is paid support. So where there might still be gaps, maybe paid support fills those gaps. And the reason to layer them in in that order is because if we just start with paid support, that just becomes the solution. And then it's not all that sustainable support solution because well, what if the support person calls off? What if the agency cancels? What if you lose funding? Right? So all of those are big risks.

[01:50:58:11 - 01:51:25:10]

Eric

 So if you layer in those five types of support, you create a much more sustainable support system over time that supports your loved one's growth, and thinking about creating a five-year vision for what that would look like. 

And then we want to also be thinking about the finance piece. So estate planning and all that good stuff. Yeah. 

And then the last piece, step eight is really bringing your life plan together. So it's making sure you have your five-year vision written for those core pieces. So capability, relationships, contribution, home support, and finance. And then from there, it's looking at what are the foundational elements to implement over the next year.

Then you want to break it down into a three-month action plan. I usually suggest something like three to six goals. And then for those three to six goals, what might be three to five small steps that you're going to take over the next three months to move forward. So it gives you the direction and then it gives you the implementation plan.

[01:52:15:06 - 01:52:48:15]

Valerie

 Right. And the steps to get to the goal. Yes. Yes. Love it. All right. Yeah. Thank you so much, Eric, for walking us through all of that. Wow. It's pretty overwhelming, I must say, just from a parent perspective. Like, wow, that's a lot. But I love that you keep reinforcing that it doesn't have to happen overnight. It's something that works over a five-year plan. And then we break it down. What are we going to achieve this year? Then we break it down. What are we going to try to achieve in the next three months? So thank you so much for that. We so appreciate it. 

So Eric, where can our audience go to find out more about you?

[01:52:48:15 - 01:53:00:14]

Eric

 Yeah, so I'll provide you a couple of links that you can have people reference down below in the show notes here, but they can go to empoweringability.org. That's my website. There will be a link that you could click there to get the free life planning one on one guide. 

[01:53:14:07 - 01:53:25:13]

Valerie

 Yeah, great. Well, thank you so much. Last thing, what pearls of wisdom do you have to share with our families that are navigating their journey?

[01:53:27:13 - 01:53:34:22]

Eric

 Yeah, that's a great question. I think one of the biggest keys is just to get started. Yeah.

And often, when having conversations with families, it's the feeling like, well, it's not the right time to get started. It or it doesn't feel like the right time to get started. But it reminds me of this Chinese proverb, which goes something like, when is the best time to plant an oak tree?

Well, the best answer is 20 years ago. 

Valerie

Yes.

[01:54:06:05 - 01:54:37:15]

Eric

 But that's not available. So when is the second-best time? Well, the second-best time to get to plant that oak tree is today. Yeah. Right. So even though you might not feel like it's the right time, or you might not feel like it's ready, or maybe you feel like you should have got started 20 years ago, but you're feeling like you're not quite ready to get started. The most, in all likelihood, the most time, the most energy you're going to have to help your loved one live into their best life, which also helps you live into your best life.

[01:54:37:15 - 01:54:38:02]

Valerie

 Yes.

[01:54:38:02 - 01:54:39:06]

Eric

 Is now.

[01:54:39:06 - 01:54:39:22]

Valerie

 Yes.

[01:54:39:22 - 01:54:44:04]

Eric

 So even if you're feeling not ready to start taking small steps forward, because that's where you're going to see results. That's where you're going to see gains. And those small steps add up over time. Right. One thing I think about is if you take one small step per week, right, even if it's working on this for 10, 15 minutes per week, thinking about your loved one's life plan and creating this best future, 10 minutes a week, right? If that's all you took, and that helped you take one small step every week, over a year, that's 52 small steps. And then if you look back over the course of the year, oh, I took 52 small steps. It might not feel like a lot in a week, but over the course of a year, you're going to see a lot of progress. So even though you're not feeling ready, get started.

[01:55:28:15 - 01:55:40:20]

Valerie

 Thank you so much. All right, audience, you've heard, get started. And I just want to thank you so much for listening in. Please share the episode and remember, Live with Intention, Embrace the Journey.