Things Leaders Do

Episode 100: Conflict IQ, Part 2 – Reading the Room Before Hidden Conflict Explodes

• Colby Morris

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Welcome to Episode 100 of Things Leaders Do! I can’t believe we’ve hit this milestone together. Thank you to every listener who’s been here along the way—your feedback and stories keep pushing me to bring leadership conversations that actually matter.

For this milestone episode, we’re continuing the Conflict IQ series with Part 2: Reading the Room—How to Spot Hidden Conflict Before It Explodes.

Here’s the truth: by the time conflict becomes visible, it’s already too late. The real leadership skill is noticing the quiet signals—hesitation, withdrawal, selective agreement—before they derail your team.

In this episode, you’ll discover:

  • The subtle anatomy of hidden conflict and why it’s so dangerous
  • Four common signals that conflict is brewing under the surface
  • The psychology of why smart people stay silent (and what it costs you)
  • Practical tools to “read the room” and surface concerns before they escalate
  • Real-world examples of leaders who missed the signals—and those who nailed them

Research shows that 43% of employees experience burnout and stress tied to poor communication. Hidden conflict doesn’t just stall projects—it quietly erodes trust, engagement, and retention.

Key takeaway: Great leaders don’t just manage conflict when it erupts—they develop the Conflict IQ to see it coming and create the safety for their teams to address it directly.

Next week: Episode 101, Part 3 of the Conflict IQ series—The Courage Conversation: How to Invite Conflict Instead of Avoiding It.

For more people-first leadership tools, executive coaching, or team workshops, visit nxtstepadvisors.com
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Speaker 1:

People First. Leadership, actionable strategies, real results this is Things Leaders Do with Colby Morris.

Speaker 2:

You know that moment in a meeting when someone says that sounds great, but their body language is screaming. This is a terrible idea.

Speaker 2:

Or when your usually chatty team member suddenly goes quiet for three meetings in a row and you're wondering if they're plotting your professional demise or just having a really long Monday. Yeah, welcome to the world of hidden conflict, where the most dangerous disagreements are the ones nobody's talking about yet. Hey, leaders, I'm Colby Morris and this is Things Leaders Do. And, wow, this is episode 100. I can't believe we have hit this milestone together. To everyone who's been listening, sharing episodes, putting these leadership ideas into practice, sending me LinkedIn messages, connecting there, thank you. Thank you is so underrated of a word there underwhelming, but you are the reason this show exists, and your feedback, your stories, that's what keeps pushing me to bring you the best content I possibly can. So again, thank you For episode 100,. We're continuing our Conflict IQ series with something that's absolutely critical how to spot conflict before it explodes like a Windows 95 computer trying to run modern software. Because here's what nobody tells you about conflict by the time people are openly disagreeing, you're late to the party. The real skill isn't managing conflict, it's seeing it coming from three miles away and then doing something before it turns into a five alarm fire. Let me paint you a picture.

Speaker 2:

It's Tuesday morning, 9 am, team meeting. Everyone's sitting around the conference table or staring at their little zoom squares, depending on your world. You present the new project timeline. Sarah nods. Mike says looks good. Jennifer asked one clarifying question. Dave gives a thumbs up Meeting's over, everyone disperses. That seems normal, right, except here's what you missed. Sarah nodded, but she was looking at her laptop the entire time. Mike says looks good. In the same tone he'd used to agree to a root canal surgery Sounds fun. Jennifer's clarifying question was actually kind of her polite way of saying this timeline is completely unrealistic and stupid. And Dave, this timeline is completely unrealistic and stupid. And Dave, well, david hasn't spoken up in a meeting in oh, six weeks.

Speaker 2:

See, this is the hidden conflict in its natural habitat. It's not dramatic, it doesn't involve raised voices or storming out. It's subtle, it's polite and it's absolutely deadly to team performance. Recent research from projectco shows that 40% I'm sorry, 43% of employees have experienced burnout, stress and fatigue due to workplace communication issues. But here's the kicker these teams often look perfectly functional from the outside. Hidden conflict is like carbon monoxide for teams. You can't see it, you can't smell it, but it'll kill your productivity while everyone's wondering why they feel so miserable. So how do you spot this hidden conflict? It's not about becoming a mind reader, it's about becoming a pattern reader.

Speaker 2:

So first, I want you to watch for changes in communication patterns. Your normally vocal team member suddenly becomes Mr Quiet. That's not personal growth, that's withdrawal. Your usually collaborative colleague starts sending everything via email instead of talking face-to-face. They're creating distance for a reason.

Speaker 2:

I worked with a team where one person went from contributing like 30% of the meeting discussion to maybe 5%. Our leader didn't notice because the meeting still went smoothly. Six months later, this person transferred departments. Why? Because they felt like their input wasn't valued. They'd given up their voice and given up trying to voice their concerns.

Speaker 2:

And then, second, pay attention to the energy shift. You know how a room feels different when someone's angry, even if they're not saying anything. Angry even if they're not saying anything. That's real. If your team meetings start feeling heavy, if there's this weird tension, you can't put your finger on. Trust your gut.

Speaker 2:

Third, I want you to look for what I call selective agreement. This is when people agree with you but never with each other. They'll say yes to you directly, but you never hear them building on each other's ideas or having those natural back and forth conversations that happen in more healthy teams. And then, fourth, I want you to watch, for the timing tells. What does that mean? Well, like late responses to emails, people showing up right at the meeting start time instead of a few minutes early for casual chat, leaving immediately when the meeting ends instead of sticking around. These might seem like small things, but they're actually huge things disguised as small things. Here's what's really happening. People are managing their exposure. They're participating just enough to avoid getting in trouble, but not enough to actually engage with the source of their frustration.

Speaker 2:

So let's talk about the psychology behind why people hide their conflict. Why do these smart, capable people choose to suffer in silence instead of just speaking up? Because most of us have been trained that conflict equals danger. Think about it. Right From childhood, we learned that disagreeing with an authority figure can get you in trouble. In school, questioning the teacher might get you labeled as disruptive. At home, challenging your parents might mean you're being disrespectful, and if you're Gen X, you learn that lesson quick. So we developed this internal conflict avoidance system that works like this If I disagree, bad things happen. Therefore, I'll just not disagree.

Speaker 2:

But here's where it gets complicated in the workplace. People still have opinions, they still see problems, they still want to contribute, but they've learned to express all that in ways that feel safer. Dr Amy Edmondson's research on psychological safety shows that in low safety environments, people don't stop having concerns. They just stop sharing them with the people who could actually do something about them. Instead, they share them in parking lot conversations, coffee breaks and those private Slack channels. This reminds me of something Andy Stanley said. He said leaders who don't listen will eventually be surrounded by people with nothing to say. Ouch, that's exactly what happens with hidden conflict. People don't stop having opinions, they just stop sharing them with you. This creates what I call the underground railroad of complaints. Underground railroad of complaints. All the real feedback is traveling through secret channels, while the official channels get nothing but smiles and thumbs up. The irony Leaders who think they're creating harmony by discouraging disagreement are actually creating the conditions for maximum dysfunction. They're not preventing conflict, they're driving an underground where it's harder to spot and impossible to resolve.

Speaker 2:

So how do you actually get good at this? How do you develop conflict radar that works? Well, start with your own behavior first. Look. Are you inadvertently shutting down disagreement? Do you interrupt people when they start to push back. Do you move quickly to solutions when someone raises a concern, or do you actually explore what they're worried about? I learned this lesson the hard way. I used to think that I was being efficient by quickly addressing concerns and moving on, but what I was actually doing was training my team that their concerns weren't worth extended discussion, so they stopped bringing them up.

Speaker 2:

Next, I want you to master the follow-up question. When someone gives you a lukewarm response yeah, that should work. Don't move on. Say something like you sound a little hesitant. What am I missing? Or help me understand what should work means to you. Most hidden conflict lives in the space between what people say and what they mean. Your job as a leader is to gently explore that space. Then I want you to pay attention to who's not talking.

Speaker 2:

In every meeting, there are contributors and observers. But when your contributors become observers, that's your signal. Don't just notice it. Do something about it. Hey, jennifer, you've been pretty quiet today. What's your take on this? And then watch for what I call enthusiasm mismatches. If the project is genuinely exciting and everyone's genuinely on board, you should see some genuine enthusiasm. If you're getting a lot of sounds good and makes sense. But no energy, no questions, no building on ideas that's not buy-in, that's compliance. And finally create what I call temperature check moments, regularly ask questions like what are we not talking about that we should be. If you had to bet money on where this project might run into trouble, where would you place your bet? These questions give permission to voice concerns without feeling like they're being negative or difficult.

Speaker 2:

Let me tell you a story about two leaders and how they handled the exact same situation completely differently. Leader number one let's call him Tom. He had a team working on a major software rollout and every status meeting went the same way. Working on a major software rollout, and every status meeting went the same way. People reported their progress, identified a few minor issues and everyone agreed they were on track for the deadline. Tom was feeling pretty good about things no drama, no conflict. Everyone seemed aligned. The project felt smooth.

Speaker 2:

Three weeks before the launch, the whole thing fell apart. Not because of the technical issues, because nobody had wanted to be the bearer of bad news. The timeline was unrealistic, the client expectations were totally misaligned and the team had been running and burning out for months. But in meeting after meeting, everyone just went along. Tom's reaction when it all collapsed why didn't anyone tell me? But people had been telling him, just not directly. The signs were all there Later responses to his emails, people looking exhausted in meetings, that weird energy where nobody seems excited about a project that should have been exciting Now.

Speaker 2:

Contrast that with leader number two. Let's call her Maria. Similar project, similar team dynamics, similar timeline pressures, but Maria noticed things. More team dynamics, similar timeline pressures, but Maria noticed things. She noticed when her lead developers started giving one-word responses in meetings. She noticed when her project manager stopped asking questions. She noticed when the team's usual casual pre-meeting chatter disappeared. Instead of assuming everything was fine, she started digging. She had one-on-one conversations. She asked specific questions about concerns. She created that space for people to voice doubts without feeling like they were being negative. What she discovered was that her team had the same concerns Tom's team had. The timeline was aggressive, the client expectations needed managing. People were starting to feel overwhelmed. But because Maria spotted the hidden conflict early, she could actually do something about it. They adjusted the timeline, they reset that client expectation and they brought in additional resources where it was needed. Both projects launched successfully, but Tom's team was exhausted and three people left within two months. Maria's team was actually energized and asked to work on the next big project together with Maria. The difference wasn't the challenges they faced, it was the leader's ability to read the room and act on what they saw.

Speaker 2:

All right, here's your homework for this week, and I want you to think of yourself as a detective, not Sherlock Holmes, more like a really good therapist who notices things. First, I want you to start a temperature log For the next week. After every team interaction, write down one thing you noticed about the energy or engagement level. Not judgments, okay, just observations. Sarah seemed distracted. Mike asked fewer questions than usual. The team left the meeting quickly. You're building your pattern recognition skills. Most of us are terrible at noticing subtle changes because we're not paying attention systematically.

Speaker 2:

And second, I want you to practice the dig deeper question. So when someone gives you a response that feels incomplete or unenthusiastic, don't move on. Ask one follow-up question. Tell me more about that. What makes you say that? Help me understand your perspective. You'll be amazed how often people are just waiting for someone to ask them. And third, do a safety audit on yourself. Really record yourself in one meeting this week or at least pay careful attention to your own behavior. How do you respond when someone disagrees with you? Do you explore their concern or do you move straight to solutions? Do you interrupt? Do you defend? Do you dismiss? Your behavior sets the tone for whether people will bring conflict to you directly or hide it underground.

Speaker 2:

And then here's my challenge for you as we wrap up this week. I want you to find one piece of hidden conflict in your team and address it directly. Not aggressively, not dramatically, just honestly. Say something like. I've noticed you've been pretty quiet lately. Is there something on your mind about this project? Or you said you're fine with the timeline, but you seemed hesitant. What are your real thoughts? The goal isn't to create conflict where none exists. It's to surface concerns that are already there so you can actually deal with them.

Speaker 2:

Here's what I've learned after years of watching teams succeed and fail. The teams that look the most harmonious aren't always the healthiest ones. Sometimes, the teams that openly argue are actually more functional than the teams that never disagree. Hidden conflict is a luxury you cannot afford as a leader. It costs too much. It missed deadlines, lost talent, opportunities that never materialized all because people were too polite to tell you the truth. Leaders, if you're finding value in this leadership content and want to go deeper, I'm available for executive coaching, team training, keynote speaking and you can find more information at nextstepadvisorscom. I'd love to help you and your organization develop these critical leadership skills.

Speaker 2:

Next week we're diving into episode three, the courage conversation how to invite conflict instead of avoiding it. Because once you spot hidden conflict, the next skill is creating the conditions where people feel safe, bringing it to you directly. And if you're getting value from this conflict IQ series, will you do me a favor? Share it with another leader who needs to hear it? And if you want more tools for people, first leadership, visit nextstepadvisorscom. That's nxt, no e, nextstepadvisorscom. And again, thank you for listening to the tld podcast. I'm colby morris. Remember to keep reading the room surfacing the truth and build teams brave enough to disagree. And you know why Because those are the things that leaders do.

Speaker 1:

If you're looking for more tips on how to be a better leader, be sure to subscribe to the podcast and listen to next week's episode. Until next time, keep working on being a better leader by doing the things that leaders do.