.png)
Will You Survive... The Podcast
Immerse yourself in the world of cinema as we embark on a journey to equip you with the skills to tackle any disaster head-on. Through the lens of thrilling tales, particularly those of the zombie apocalypse, we'll unravel the secrets of preparedness. Join us as we explore the silver screen to empower you for the challenges that lie ahead.
Will You Survive... The Podcast
Survive or Die: Survival Improv Showdown
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
What happens when your survival depends on the most random item you could imagine? That's the premise of our brand new "Survive or Die" format, where Alex and TJ face off in a battle of creative survival thinking.
Armed with nothing but a bizarre assortment of everyday items, our contestants tackle increasingly absurd scenarios. Picture this: you're trapped in a walk-in freezer with only a fire starter. Or you're fleeing from a bear with nothing but your voice to defend yourself. How would you possibly survive?
The contrasting approaches are what make this episode shine. Alex typically takes the practical route, like creating angled shelter with a tarp to reflect heat or disabling a freezer's cooling system to prevent freezing to death. Meanwhile, TJ embraces the theatrical – wearing a tarp as a cape to scare away bears or misinterpreting "brown bear" entirely for comedic effect.
Some of the episode's most memorable moments include defending against zombies with tent poles, escaping rising floodwaters with plungers, and TJ's revolutionary idea to introduce squirrel civilization to the concept of nut butter using a blender. The solutions range from genuinely clever to hilariously absurd, with both contestants earning points for creativity if not always practicality.
By the final tally, Alex edges out TJ by just one point in this survival battle of wits. But the real question remains: when faced with these impossible scenarios, which approach would you take? The practical solution or the spectacular one? Listen now and test your own survival creativity!
Hello, hello, survivors, and welcome to another episode of Will you Survive.
Speaker 2The Podcast.
Speaker 1This is a podcast where we watch a movie and then we talk about said movie and we talk about all the survival aspects of it, except this time we didn't watch a movie. So get tricked, get pranked. We are doing something that I want to call survive or die. Uh, and my two contestants today will be alex that's me and tj. I have ravioli, he has ravioli. Therefore, he has an advantage in all survival situations I have adult applesauce that could be a detriment. Now, what would the equivalent of that be?
Speaker 2chunky, jello, jello shots no, what would the equivalent? Maybe just fermented applesauce um, ew, you know, you know what it could be. It could be uh, it could be it could be like a uh, what do they call it? What do they call it? It has a name, but it's like adult watermelon put a bottle of oh yeah, I've done that, that, that. That'll mess you up.
Speaker 3That'll mess you up, yeah that's insane.
Speaker 1I would. I don't think I'll do that anytime soon again, and I did that a long time ago. Last time I did, it was 2020.
Speaker 2What about the one?
Speaker 1chip. It's painful. So let me introduce you guys to this survive or die format that we're going to do here. I'm going to present each of you It'll be one at a time, so we'll go back and forth I'm going to present each of you with a situation and then an item. So the situation will be some sort of survival situation or scenario that you might find yourself in, and I'm going to give you an item at random from a long list that I have here. I'm going to try to make it somewhat challenging but usable. I might give you something completely useless, so your goal is to see what you can possibly come up with to use this item if it was the only thing you had to help you survive these life or death situations. Do we understand?
Speaker 2I think so.
Speaker 1It'll make more sense as we go. Who wants to go first? I'll go. All right, alex, number one, you are stranded in the wilderness for three days. You somehow know it'll be exactly three days. Your item is a tarp. What would you do with said item? You don't have to just talk about the item. You could talk about like.
Speaker 2Am I able to ask questions? Sure, so what's the climate that I'm in?
Speaker 1Forest.
Speaker 2I'm in. Well, that's geography.
Speaker 1What climate Is it tropical, let's say Redwood.
Speaker 2Forest Redwood Forest.
Speaker 1What season is it? We'll say it's like early spring. Okay, so it's cold, all right.
Speaker 2So it's going to get cold at night. It'll be warm in the day, warm-ish in the day, okay. So if I'm in the redwoods, there's most likely running water somewhere.
Speaker 1Fair assumption.
Speaker 2I have a tarp. I think I would prefer to use the tarp for shelter. I could do one of a few things. Having just the tarp.
Speaker 2I would have to try to find some way to tie up the tarp to give me cover. That would give me enough cover in the day that I wouldn't get heat exhaustion or sunstroke, and it would give me pretty good cover if I do it right, low enough to my body that I can contain some body heat and stay semi-warm at night. Maybe even put it up at an angle where I have the fire in front of me and the tarp behind me so it reflects a little bit of heat at me. I think that would be. The best case scenario is to use the tarp for shelter instead of trying to use it for water or anything like that. Because I have three days, if I know I only have three days. I can go without food and I could even manage to go without water for that long if I couldn't find it in that period of time I don't know if I could go without food for that long but I would not be able to go without shelter in the night at uh, in the redwood forests.
Speaker 1That's my answer okay, I'm gonna switch things up a little bit. Uh, tj. Yeah, give me a different way that you would use that item. I want to clarify also I'm not grading purely on practicality. I'm a silly goose, so we can get a little creative with these if we want to.
Speaker 2What I was gonna say thanks for fucking telling me that now well for the as we go on.
Speaker 1you got a point Because I was thinking that what I would use a tarp for would be shelter. That is what I would use it for. I would create some sort of like a stick frame in a T shape and put the tarp over to protect you from rain and then put a fire right outside so that the heat gets trapped inside with you. Very valid idea. I also imagine it's going to rain because it's the Redwood Forest. So what would you use it for? Tj.
Speaker 3Okay, say I'm just, you know, dropped here. I just wake up. There's a tarp, I'm in a Redwood Forest, I'm nowhere near home. I have no Redwoods in the state that I live in. I'm going to tie the tarp around my neck and run around like a cape uh, caped crusader and uh, if I run in one direction, eventually I'll get somewhere.
Speaker 1I don't hate the idea. I do feel like you'd scare away it'll attract attention if there's anybody nearby. If it doesn't, I guess I'm dead I think you'd also scare away the most of the bears that are up there, because those are black bears up there, right and yeah, yeah. So I think that uh, I mean yeah, I think that's an idea.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, okay, I like that one. All right, so, tj, you had a point. By the way, alex, tj, for your scenario zombies break into your house. The item that you have is a tent pole.
Speaker 3How many zombies?
Speaker 1Let's say oh, it just says zombies, so let's just say one Single zombie.
Speaker 3Yeah, single zombie have you ever seen? Daredevil, I yes, okay, depending on which one billy clubs where, okay it's two sticks and then, if you take them apart, there's a string. What?
Speaker 3does the tent pole have the exact same thing. So I'm gonna do the best I can using that tent pole. You know I'm uh, yeah, tent poles are pretty long. Let's say this one's like six feet, you know sure. You know Sure, you know Reasonable If I can take it in half and use the string, wrap it around their head and just violently smash their face into my knee and see what happens.
Speaker 1Hmm, okay, okay, I must say I do fear there's a risk of being bit.
Speaker 3That's no Smashing a zombie's head into your knee. I wear very thick jeans all the time.
Speaker 1Okay, I would have liked to hear knee pads more in that situation. But, sure, very thick denim jeans, three pairs because it's cold. Okay, sure, alex, how would you use a tent pole if a zombie broke into your house?
Speaker 2How would I use a tent pole? Okay, here's my idea. My idea is I would want to use something more practical and wrangle a zombie. Let's say something like I'm in a household. I'm in a house, so I'm going to say I have a pillowcase and I can tie it around the zombie's head to prevent myself from getting bit very easily. And then I would use the tent pole to, randomly and without warning, whip the zombie all over. I am talking torture. I am going to whip it and ask it why it broke into my house. I am going to take out all aggression that I have on this zombie and I'm going to make sure all of his friends know don't fuck with me.
Speaker 1That is an interesting idea, uh, treating them more like animals than anything. Uh, and torturing them also at the same time. Uh, interesting, okay, uh, I lost my. There we go. I lost my sheep for a second, I got scared. Okay, uh, torture it.
Speaker 2That's an interesting approach and also uh, fenriris points out that tj an opportunity he could have gotten away with apple-bottom jeans.
Speaker 3I'm glad he didn't, do I have the boots with the fur or no?
Speaker 2Do you? I don't know, do you?
Speaker 3Okay, I've got the whole club.
Speaker 1We're looking at her. Alex, yes, alex Okay. Alex yes, you are locked in a walk-in freezer oh, that's awful the only item that you happen to have on you is a fire starter. Is there anything you can think to do in a walk-in freezer with a fire starter?
Wilderness Survival with a Tarp
Speaker 2um, I am in a walk-in freezer. I'm locked in there with a fire starter. Ah, okay, um, obvious thing. Could I even, potentially, start a fire? Not wise, because they are airtight. Is it on? Yes, it is on, okay, um, with a fire starter which? Uh, which type of fire starter do you know?
Speaker 2like a magnesium and flint okay, something that doesn't matter if it's easy to do and the steel is hard but not doesn't have leverage for like stabby power, I wouldn't be able to poke my way out of it. Um, so this fricking thing is on, I'm locked in and all I have is a fire starter and whatever belongs in the walk-in freezer. Let me see, I I don't think there's a whole lot I can do with a fire starter in a freezer, so I would probably try to God. Okay, this is tough because a walk-in freezer is pretty large, but it's not an indefinite amount of oxygen, although the oxygen is pulled from outside. So I'm thinking really the only thing I would have a good possibility of doing is using the steel and stopping the fan blade and eventually burning up the motor so that I don't freeze to death, because it won't take me long to freeze in a walk-in freezer if that motor is still on and if I can't do anything else.
Speaker 2I can't start a fire with anything that's frozen. I'm trying to think of everything I knew of when I was in a freezer. There's nothing in there that would be lightable, everything is frozen, everything is wet, everything is hard. That's the only thing I could think of doing is breaking the motor so that I at least don't freeze to death. In the next three hours I would probably have many more hours of oxygen that I could breathe to try to figure out how to get out of this walk-in. So I think that's what I would have to do.
Speaker 1I like that answer because I would not have thought to do that. I'll tell you my idea in a second TJ. What would you do with a fire starter in a walk-in freezer?
Speaker 3Can you do a little bit of research for me?
Speaker 1I think I might have already done the research that you're going to ask.
Speaker 3What would you like me to research? I definitely don't think that you did. Is refrigerant flammable?
Speaker 1I did not you're right, I looked up if there's fire sprinklers in walk-in freezers there's not, they're dry probably is refrigerant flammable oh my god, that's a top search. Not flammable, but some can be. Depends on the type. R410a is common in modern hvac systems, but this isn't really it's not an hvac. Yeah, this is, this is um are refrigerants refrigerant or is refrigerant used in walk-in freezers flammable while y'all were searching?
Speaker 3in most cases, no, no, yeah. So my original idea was to stop the fan, because in the back of most commercial walk-in freezers there are like, there's like the condenser unit, the fan and whatever. But then he, you know, he said that, um, I was, I wasn't gonna use the fire starter to do it, I was gonna be like oh, walk-in freezer, there's probably food, I don't know, throw a fucking strip of ribs in there or something. See what happens, chuck a ham in there.
Speaker 1Yeah, just yeah beat it with a frozen chicken, you know um, you know, I admire, I admire your guys's knowledge of that, because I would have just tried to start a fire in there yeah, yeah, yeah, not gonna, I just tried to light a ham on fire or something or cheese, or so I had.
Speaker 2I think cheese would burn. I had a lot of years in walk-in freezers so I knew that there's no way you can light anything on fire in there I was on top of one on friday, um anyways so just for factual uh information here uh, walk-in refrigerant, uh, walk-in freezers typically use one of three peron, suva or genitron, and they're all brands of r410a, which is all non-flammable good to know I was going to use that to like start a fire, to be specific um, now I'm not going to survive this, because if there's nobody around, you're not going to be.
Speaker 3There's no oxygen coming in other than like you're not really flammable. Yeah, no, uh, I think I'm just gonna pull on the refrigerant line, have it leak and, uh, just huff on that. You know, feel, feel, feel good till uh, till I freeze to death all right, yeah, hey, hey, you know what?
Speaker 1I'll give you a point for that.
Speaker 3I like hey, because that shit does get you like that's some joker shit right there.
Speaker 1If you gotta go, go with a smile yeah, seriously, I kind of dig it all right, tj. Flood waters are rising in your apartment. The item that you have is a plunger where's the water coming? From? Uh, undetermined. What color is the water? Um, I mean, it looks. It looks like water. It's got like a light kind of dirty tint to it. Is anywhere else flooded? Or just my apartment? Uh, well, so far it looks like water. It's got like a light kind of dirty tint to it. Is anywhere else flooded?
Speaker 3or just my apartment.
Speaker 1Well, so far it seems like your apartment, but you do live on the first floor, so it could be a tsunami, it could be anything, okay, okay.
Speaker 3And my goal is to survive. Yeah, and I have a plunger.
Speaker 1You have a plunger.
Speaker 3What's the handle made out of? Just a quick question.
Speaker 1All right, got it Red plunger tip.
Speaker 3I am going to run to the furthest room that is not filling with water. Stack shit on top of each other. As you say, I live on the first floor. I will then use the plunger to bash a hole in the ceiling. Now, stay with me here. Stay with me here. Okay, I'm following as I'm bashing holes in the ceiling. I'm doing it in like a perfect circular. You know motion. Then I then rip the drywall down. I'm assuming that there's insulation.
Speaker 3Rip that down, right so all over your face, okay it's yeah, it might not be fiberglass, it could be like sheep's wool or it could be like you know, spray you know shit like that.
Speaker 1I'm the narrator here fiberglass it is your lungs hate you right now. Go on, it's fine, it's fine it's fine.
Speaker 3I will locate a sort of duct or maybe a beam of some sort, try to climb up a little bit and start bashing my way up through the ceiling up into my neighbor's apartment, and then I will do that again and again until I reach the roof.
Zombies and Tent Poles
Speaker 1Okay, alex, you're on your first floor apartment. Floodwaters are. You're on your second floor apartment rising? Somebody you're on your first floor apartment, floodwaters are rising in your apartment and you have a plunger. What do you do?
Speaker 2okay, judging by the way you worded this, you said floodwaters are rising in my apartment, but is it just my apartment, or is it floodwaters undetermined? Well, first thing I'm gonna do is look out the window there's no water I'm gonna open the front door okay, you let out a bunch of water. I let let the water out. Now I'm to try to find out where the water's coming from.
Speaker 1Your floors are disgusting now. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2Yeah, they would be absolutely wretched. But before I start worrying about cleanup, I'm going to look for the source of the water. Was it a toilet? It?
Speaker 1was a toilet.
Speaker 2So now I shut off the water so no more water comes in, and try to plunge it.
Speaker 1All right, congratulations, you've solved the situation. Tj, you owe your neighbors a shit ton of money in floor repairs.
Speaker 2It's probably my neighbor's fault, no one's who clogged up the goddamn system.
Speaker 3I hear him shitting at the fucking 3 in the morning right through the fucking walls like in here at the pipes TJ's toilet floods and he's like that's it breaking the ceiling.
Speaker 1I'm not getting stuck in here with this that was so epic.
Speaker 2I was hearing it happen and I'm like I think there's a simpler way but there's nothing more badass than using a plunger to break through the ceiling you know how long that must take you I think that would also be kind of cool drywall isn't that hard to break through but the insulation and the studs well, you're not breaking through the studs, but as soon as you hit the stud, the ra.
Speaker 2But as soon as you hit the stud, the rafters. As soon as you hit the rafters, you know, just move on, move over a couple of inches.
Speaker 3Every 18 inches. Eric, did you know that? I did not know that. If you need to hang something up now, you know, maybe hang up those fucking paintings that have been in the corner of your room for fucking two years.
Speaker 1Those aren't paintings.
Speaker 2Those are not paintings.
Speaker 1Those are sound panels that have been there for about the last year and a half. Hang them up. They need to go into studs. I don't feel like drilling into the walls. They're kind of just going to sit there and be decoration forever now, alex, yeah, you are asleep in your bed and you hear the front door first open. There's a home invasion happening. You reach over, you grab from your nightstand your weapon of choice, and it's a pair of sunglasses. What do you do?
Speaker 2I've reached over and my weapon of choice are sunglasses. Yeah, I strip down completely, fucking butt naked. I put those sunglasses on, I step out into the hallway and I tell them now you fucked up, because rape is only a five-year sentence that is insane. Nothing to say is a life sentence.
Speaker 1Now get over here that is a terrifying thing.
Speaker 2That's horrifying knowledge to have I don't have the right number on the sentence there, but it was it was meant to be drastic because it's it's far less for and I should. I shouldn't have said the word because it's like no, I'm bad on all social media.
Speaker 1I respect that. All right, tj, you're in your house, so you break into a house and this guy I'm gonna so tj I'm gonna I'm gonna assume it's not alex.
Speaker 2Alex did not break into your house.
Speaker 3I'm gonna assume that alex and I are roommates. Nice, so he's already confronted them. I whisper to my Alexa Alexa, enter ditty mode. All of the LED lights in the house go red. I put on my sunglasses, strip butterball naked, except for my g-string. I always keep on me. I then lube myself up with all of the baby oil, I keep in my secret cabinet below the stairs and I slide at the attacker.
Speaker 2You better hand me a bottle.
Speaker 1Well, you guys went a way different route than I was thinking you might go down. I figured both of you knew Mortal Kombat and might try to become Johnny Cage. Sunglasses are kind of his main thing, but the going full Diddy Party on the Invader is a turn of events I did not see coming.
Speaker 3Now imagine a fucking multiple hundred pound man sliding at you on the floor at high speeds, at least 40.
Speaker 2Like a seal.
Speaker 3Like a goddamn seal Making the same noises too.
Speaker 1TJ's tall. Tj's tall and big. That would be horrifying Torpedo For him to come sliding down the hallway at Mach 10. Okay, tj, next situation. I have a very specific solution in mind for this that I don't know if either of you are going to get.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1But for my entertainment I'm going to do it. You are on the run from a bear and all you have is your voice. Tj, what do you tell this bear? What kind of bear? We'll say it's a brown bear. So yelling at it isn't usually going to make it go away.
Speaker 3Where am I?
Speaker 1at You're in the redwoods, okay, where there's not usually brown bears.
Walk-in Freezer Predicament
Speaker 3I don't know what a big hairy brown man is doing in the redwoods, Okay, when there's not usually brown bears. I don't know what a big hairy brown man is doing in the woods, but you know.
Speaker 1That's what the bear is wondering.
Speaker 3I'll let him know I'm not interested More in the twinks myself. I'll tell him I have a friend, eric, who I think he'd be really into, and then I send him the nice man on his way, the very homo sexual man, very hairy, that's what they call it All right.
Speaker 1All right, DJ Alex. You said he was brown, so yeah, no, you nailed it, you won. You won that one. You nailed it, you won. You won that one. You got me. That wasn't what I was, that's not at all what I had in mind, but you beat me at my own game there, so I can't say you're wrong. Alex, how would you survive a brown bear with just your voice? How would I survive a?
Speaker 2brown bear, with just my voice, I think what I would have to do.
Speaker 3He's thinking about a big, hairy brown man. I am not. He's trying to stop thinking about it. I'm thinking of a brown bear.
Speaker 2I'm trying to think. Raul.
Speaker 1I closed my eyes and I got a very vivid picture of exactly what a Raul would look like if he was a bear.
Speaker 2In my head. He looks like the guy who played Gomez Adams in Wednesday.
Speaker 3It's along those lines.
Speaker 2It's along those lines, yeah, so we got a lore for our whole.
Speaker 3That's so stupid.
Speaker 2So I think the only thing I can do in trying to survive a brown bear, the only thing I have is my voice. Is it charging at me?
Speaker 1yes, you're on the run from it I'm on the run, oh man that's already seconds that's the first dumb thing that I've done.
Speaker 2Uh, I'm running from the bear. It's gonna catch me any second now. Uh, god, I don't know. I think the only thing I can do is cry, scream. Tell the bear, I didn't mean it, what I did to its family what'd you do to its family? That's between me and the bear.
Speaker 1Okay, shit, ask Alexa.
Speaker 2Now I'm taking the bear's side, all right.
Speaker 1Well, my answer which I thought was really funny, but it's only really funny to me is I would turn around and go no Stop, I don't like this game. That's one of my favorite jokes of all time, tag you're it.
Speaker 3No, stop, tag, you're it.
Speaker 1No, stop. I don't like this game. Oh my God.
Speaker 2It's my favorite joke of all time. It's so funny.
Speaker 3Yeah, Raul would have thought that was funny.
Speaker 1Raul would have thought that was funny raul gomez alex. Yep, you are in a hostage situation in a kitchen. Your loved one pick whoever is held hostage in your kitchen. You reach over and you grab your weapon of choice, a rolling pin. What do you do?
Speaker 2well, how is this my weapon of choice?
Speaker 1you chose it. It's right there, it's it's there was a gun next to it, but you grab the rolling pin.
Speaker 2I don't know what to tell you. Why would I grab the rolling pin?
Speaker 1why did you grab the rolling pin? Yeah, you gotta tell us why. Clearly, it's your weapon of choice. You had a thought behind this.
Speaker 3You knew what you were gonna do your wife even dramatically said babe, get the pin I pick up the rolling pin when you grab the pin, corinne goes.
Speaker 2She looks at the hostage guy and she goes you fucked up now I tell the hostage taker now that I have my rolling pin, I can do one of two things I can make you start the s or I can smash you in the head with this. One of those two things is going to happen next. Which do you choose?
Speaker 1He asks you if you can do corn tortillas.
Speaker 2Absolutely, they're easy.
Speaker 1Well, you won them over, because Mexican food makes every situation better.
Speaker 3Always, you're not supposed to use a rolling pin for corn tortillas. You got to use a little press thing. You can.
Speaker 2No, oh my God, you fucking cheater you.
Speaker 3How dare you nah, dude, the press gets imperfectly circular. I want to do that for flower too, but that's ridiculous. I don't know, goddamn oblong, fucking corn tortilla with your hands.
Speaker 1That's how you do it.
Speaker 3Real mexicans do it with their hands no, the fuck they don't, because I have abuela and she uses that shit because she's got arthritis.
Speaker 1Come on, exactly. It's a good way to do it. You just get too.
Speaker 3I don't have arthritis fool.
Speaker 2That's the fuck you do. Stop lying to yourself. Fuck you, I do. My hand was hurting so bad. The other day I was rubbing my pinky.
Speaker 3I know you have plantar fasciitis in your left foot.
Speaker 2I wonder if I have. Oh, fuck you, I do too in my right foot.
Speaker 3This is getting personal asshole I got up a little too quick the other day and I felt a little pop in the middle of my foot.
Speaker 2I was like ew, that's what I say, man when in my youth, all my injuries came from skateboarding, snowboarding and surfing. Now, all my injuries came from skateboarding, snowboarding and surfing. Now all my injuries come from sitting down too long, standing up too fast and sleeping wrong.
Speaker 1I hurt my ankle by stepping on a drainpipe.
Speaker 2Ben Ruris said he stood up and the check engine light came on.
Speaker 1I'm sure you guys have done that, where you stand up too fast and you really just feel like every light in your brain just goes nope.
Speaker 2Yep, sit back down. That's right Now. I stand up from my seat and give it a moment before I walk away.
Speaker 1Do I have to sit back down, or am I good to actually?
Speaker 2move. Do I have to sit back down?
Speaker 1All right, tj, you are shipwrecked on a deserted island and all you have is a bunch of cases of rum. What do you do?
Speaker 3I have just a bunch of cases of rum. Is there anything else on the beach? Is there any like uh, let's say, washed up uh jars?
Speaker 2sure you've found a jar okay so if there's rum on this beach, alex, I'm going to take one of the uh bottles of rum.
Speaker 3Okay, we get fucked up.
Speaker 2I, I'm going to take that jar that I found. I'm definitely there.
Plunger vs. Rising Floodwaters
Speaker 3Yeah, it has a lid, Perfectly preserved jar we got here. I'm going to go inland, dig up some of the ground and throw it in the jar. I'm then going to go back to the beach and, whilst holding the jar of dirt with my wobbly rum legs, I'm going to start sprinting and say I have a jar of dirt with my wobbly rum legs. I'm going to start sprinting and say I have a jar of dirt.
Speaker 1I have a jar of dirt. Guess what's inside it? You happen to tumble down a flight of stairs that were not previously there before. Yes, okay, yeah, you got a point. Uh, alex, you wake up on said deserted island. You see tj dancing around with a jar of dirt and all you have is a bunch of cases of rum. What do you do?
Speaker 2I'm wondering why the fuck those cases of rum are still there. Why haven't they been consumed? If I am on a deserted island with TJ, something's going to have to make him more attractive.
Speaker 3No, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
Speaker 1You know I wasn't going to give you a point until that last line. I love it. No, no, no.
Speaker 3Wait, wait wait, wait, wait, all right. Wow, he's going to use a lube, all right.
Speaker 2Don't use the rum Rum lube. Don't use the rum rum lube don't use the rum no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1So we have exhausted the general scenarios. Now we're going to go to our goofier scenarios. Okay, alex, the floor is lava for real this time. Okay, and all you have are onion mitts.
Speaker 2Onion mitts.
Speaker 1What Oven mitts?
Speaker 2Ooh, what do you do? All I have are oven mitts, and the floor is lava.
Speaker 1For real this time.
Speaker 2Okay, I think I have something. Okay, so I would have to find something that wouldn't combust instantly. Are we here, sure, and this floor right here is lava. Ripped to the downstairs neighbors.
Speaker 1Oh yeah, they're long gone.
Speaker 2So then this desk will take a little bit of time. I get on top of this desk.
Speaker 1I will warn you, this desk is glass.
Speaker 2Yeah, that's okay, it's got metal underneath it.
Speaker 1You don't think the heat would cause the glass to shatter?
Speaker 2Oh, it would for sure, but not right away. It would temper it even further, making it the strongestible, and I could ride the glass like a surfboard down the stairs to safety.
Speaker 3Stands on the glass, it melts. He's like ah. Now there's burning glass on my legs and love.
Speaker 2But if I still have the rum from the island, I'm not caring.
Speaker 1Now what about the oven mitts?
Speaker 2Oh, I wear those just for fun, just for fashion.
Speaker 1Just for fashion.
Speaker 3That's interesting, okay, tj yes, there's a reason I'm shouting. I'm doing the podcast. Thank you, I should just win all of that.
Speaker 2Will you survive the podcast?
Speaker 3no um okay, so he? He clearly did not know of the ancient technique of shoving those damn oven mitts on my feet and walking right out, okay.
Speaker 1Okay, I'll give you a point for it, because that is the answer I was going for, although I will say oven mitts aren't going to fit on your feet. They'll definitely fit on my feet. They're not going to fit on your feet.
Speaker 3They'll definitely fit on my feet, not your big ass feet either. I have an oven mitt. I will go grab a goddamn oven and you're gonna have to hand stand. You're gonna have to hand stand your way out of there. I will tippy toe my way ass out of there. I don't care. Yeah, it's gonna work out.
Speaker 1You'll wear them like heels, exactly, okay, so we also got three good comments on this.
Speaker 2Okay, hb says pick up big rocks and hop on them, like mario. Okay, cerilia says throw the pillows down and jump on them. I like that.
Speaker 1Works in regular floors Lava.
Speaker 2And then, fenriris, the floor is lava. What the hell is wrong with your house? We haven't determined that yet.
Speaker 1No, this is really bad because we live on the third floor.
Speaker 3Third floor so if the bottom two floors are screwed it's only a matter of time, because the ground level is garage. And now the next scenario the lava is floor, causing chaos around the world, as all of the magma in the inner crust of the earth turns to floor Damn Damn. Turns to Ikea Fuck it Like flooring.
Speaker 2You just went specific there.
Speaker 1Did you just read my notes? The next scenario is Ikea related. Oh, my TJ, your next scenario you must escape an Ikea before it closes forever. And you have a compass with you. I have a compass, you have a compass.
Speaker 3Okay, everybody knows that every Ikea entrance faces northwest. That's just a fact. No, yeah, it's literally. Look it up, I can literally think of one Literally looked it up, because you know, if you're facing the globe and you're looking at Sweden, where is it? Northwest?
Speaker 1The entrances face the mountains.
Speaker 3It faces northwest right. Okay, so I get my compass. Oh shit, yo, those are some really cheap hand towels. I can, I can't, I don't want to. I keep going. I run, I'm sprinting, I'm following that yellow fucking line that leads to everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Uh, eventually I make my way and I see a door. I run right at it and I'm like yes, finally exit. I open the door Fuck a millennial kitchen. I'm so thirsty at this point I've been running for like 20 fucking minutes. I turn on the sink in that room. No water, because it's a fake, god damn it. I leave. I burst through the door again. Ooh, really nice shelving. Might put that in my office. I leave. I burst through the door again. Ooh, really nice shelving. Might put that in my office. I have to stay focused. I keep going. I see somebody who works here. Hi, sir, fuck, he's just wearing a blue shirt. He doesn't work here. He's lost, just like me. What else can I do? I strangle the man.
Speaker 2I strangle him to death I strangle the man.
Speaker 1I strangle him to death.
Speaker 3He's the another man. I cut him into pieces, I throw him on the stove. It doesn't work, gotta go raw. I eat the man because I know I'm never making it out of this IKEA live.
Speaker 1Okay, alex, I'm scared to ask you now. You're stuck in an IKEA and your goal is to get out before it closes forever. There's also a psychopath inside the Ikea now and you have a compass.
Speaker 3You're in an Ikea. A man sprints at you.
Speaker 1A man sprints at you with half a leg hanging out of his mouth and a knife in his hand.
Speaker 2I look down and see what color shirt I am wearing, to ensure I'm not dressed as an ikea employee you're wearing a red shirt, you're safe okay, so I don't worry about the psychopath right away well, you think it's a gray shirt, but yeah all right, that's a nice gray shirt you got on, but you know. Okay, we don't have to go there. So I think the first thing I want to do is is there a reason why I'm worried about it closing forever?
Speaker 1Oh, because if it closes, you'll be stuck inside forever.
Speaker 2Can't I just break the glass?
Speaker 1No, it becomes magic If you can find it, it becomes magic. It's the most D&D answer I've ever given you.
Speaker 2I think the way that I'm going to be able to do this is follow the motherfucking arrows on the ground. They point you in the direction that the whole flow is supposed to go. You're supposed to walk in the direction that they lead you so that you can experience all of the magic that Ikea has there for you. But they point everywhere and nowhere at the same time you can see what your home would look like.
Speaker 1I agree with TJ.
Speaker 2What.
Speaker 1It points to everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
Speaker 2It points to everywhere and nowhere. Yep, well, I don't care. I want to see what my bedroom should look like.
Speaker 1I want to see what my kitchen should look like. You explore each individual room.
Speaker 2Each and every one. I will exhaust Ikea, Ikea by the end will spit me out and say say, I have had enough of this fucking asshole I respect that, that even ikea, the building itself, would say I've had enough because you know can't handle me inside of you that long that's starts to hurt.
Speaker 1Well, I almost took away your point now.
Speaker 2So you can't be getting sensitive on me all right, alex.
Bear Encounters with Voice Only
Speaker 1You are surrounded by a swarm of aggressive squirrels.
Speaker 2Oh yeah.
Speaker 1All you have is a blender.
Speaker 2Oh, let's do it. Is that blender plugged in?
Speaker 1It's got its magic powered.
Speaker 2Squirrel puree. Oh no, I love that they're aggressive. I'm going to open it up and I'm going to try to catch every single one of them inside of it while that thing is going, and I'm going to point it at the next one just so I can get the remnants of one of them on the other one before it goes in the blender as well.
Speaker 1Psychic damage. I like it.
Speaker 2I am going to pulverize them all, puree every single one of them. There will be nothing left of these squirrels. So if you're listening, squirrel, stop eating my freaking oranges.
Speaker 1I think Alex has a grudge and might bring a blender to work now.
Speaker 2Only if it's magic.
Speaker 1TJ, what would you do with a magic blender surrounded by a swarm of aggressive squirrels.
Speaker 3I would simply talk to them to just just to their, to their inner nature of wanting this dope ass, fucking blender. I, I, I. I will definitely get through to them. They will take me to their squirrel chief. I will give him nuts from beyond his lands and promise more, and I will give him a blender as gay shall use it to make nut butter.
Speaker 1I kind of dig it. If I'm being honest, that's a revolutionary idea.
Speaker 3They've known solid nuts their whole life. They've never had a nut butter.
Speaker 1To speak to Chief Squirrel and sell his civilization a blender. That's ultimate salesman stuff right there, just I'm like billy may.
Speaker 3Billy may's here with the new magic blender. You see, one, two, three, it's blended.
Speaker 1It even works underwater they are blending here with the new slap, chop acorn butter. Acorn butter. I like that. Yeah, that's really going to open up the possibilities of squirrel civilization. I think you've altered the future forever. Yeah, tj. Yes, an evil AI has trapped you inside of a smart home. All you have is I'm deciding between two different things. All you have is I'm deciding between two different things. All you have is a roll of duct tape and you're stuck inside of a smart home by an evil AI. What do you do? I?
Speaker 3am going to learn the ins and outs of its sight on the house. I guarantee there's at least one spot where it cannot see. I find that spot. I take the duct tape and I make the sexiest pair of lingerie bralette and panties that I can make. I put it on. I then walk into the site of the house. It's talking to me. It's like what are you doing, sir? I'm like freaky time, alexa ditty music. Bam bam, bam, bam, bam bam. Sir, I'm like freaky time, alexa diddy music. I then do the sexiest strip show that this ai house has ever seen. It is actually horrified. It then bursts into flames, leaving me inside. I burned to death, so you oh, so you don't survive it.
Speaker 1Uh, but hear me out.
Speaker 3Okay, interesting, and that's why I think I should get a point yeah.
Speaker 1Okay, Alex, you're stuck inside of a smart home by an evil AI and all you have is a roll of duct tape. What do you do?
Speaker 2Okay, I am going to cover all the cameras with the duct tape.
Speaker 3All right Boring.
Speaker 2And then I'm going to wrap my hands in duct tape, cover my wrists in the duct tape and I'm going to smash on the windows as hard as I can until I break out. Yeah, I know you like the smashing part, hulk smash, and I'm going to escape through a window if it won't, let me out of a door.
Speaker 3Are you naked?
Speaker 2I can be.
Speaker 3I mean most of the time I am. I feel like this plan can only work if you're naked.
Speaker 2Then I'm naked. I get naked first, then I wrap my fists all in duct tape, I smash the window out and then I escape to be arrested for being naked.
Speaker 3With a brand new circumcision. I break all of the glass out On the way out.
Speaker 2I'm not crazy. A little of the glass on the way out.
Speaker 3I'm not crazy a little off the top, please, thank you. No way I don't play that game. Keep it clean, cut. Don't push me back. I like your cut.
Speaker 1G low taper fate okay, well, um, that's all I got. Scenarioswise, are there as a bonus round. Would each of you like to give each other a survival scenario with an item we could do, goofy or realistic, anybody have an idea? We don't have to do this part, but if you guys want to, I got one.
Hostage Situations and Kitchen Tools
Speaker 3Okay, go ahead, alex. You wake up In the stomach of a whale and all you have Are your hands. That's it, you got your hands.
Speaker 2They are, they are.
Speaker 3Detached from your body Because, as you were like Reaching out, like to get out Of the whale, it got bit off a little bit.
Speaker 2So I don't even have my hands.
Speaker 3Well, you have your hands, they're there with you, they're just yeah.
Speaker 2But I can't like use them.
Speaker 1Well, I mean you could.
Speaker 3I mean, have you ever played Resident Evil 7? Biohazard, just throw some goop juice on.
Speaker 1it Makes your hands grow back.
Speaker 2But is there goop juice in there?
Speaker 1No, you just have your hands.
Speaker 2Sounds like I'm eating sushi. Why are you gonna bring up the goop juice biting my way out? That's what I'm gonna do just use the goop juice.
Speaker 1Is there any?
Speaker 3no, okay eric, you wake up. You said, you're eating sushi wait.
Speaker 1Why am I?
Speaker 2getting thrown into this.
Speaker 1That wasn't the plan yeah, all you got is I go to the rib cage of the of the whale and I start tickling him with my tootsies, yeah, until he sneezes me out. Yeah, I think you survived. Give yourself a point, cool, hey, hey, thanks, thanks, man.
Speaker 2So interestingly enough, Fenriris says Whales have ambergris. Slap it on. You know what ambergris is? Uh-uh, A solid waxy substance produced in the digestive system of sperm whales. Initially it has a marine fecal odor, but after floating in the ocean for several years it hardens and develops a fragrant scent, making it a coveted ingredient in fine perfumes oh great, yeah, that's fucking disgusting.
Speaker 3You can get real money for that shit. I heard like, if you find that shit like on the beach or whatever, all right, I'm gonna give you a real one.
Speaker 2I'm not gonna fuck with you like dumb shit hey, I survived. Hey, you had your hands would you rather survive a zombie apocalypse in a fortified size skyscraper with limited supplies but great visibility, or in a well-stocked underground bunker where you're completely cut off from the outside world?
Speaker 1Bunker. Can I ask follow-up questions?
Speaker 2Yeah. How apocalyptic is this world Is there like almost no survivors or you know that is kind of the hardest thing to answer, because if you choose the bunker you don't know.
Speaker 1So this is like right in the beginning.
Speaker 2Yep.
Speaker 1I'm deciding.
Speaker 2Yep, you know it's bad. You know governments are falling in a skyscraper, a fortified skyscraper with limited supplies but great visibility.
Speaker 1No, I'm gonna go bunker. Yeah I. I think I move in with tj. We'll just play fortnight the whole time this fucking guy's ditty though until it eric, he's gonna pull out the baby oil.
Speaker 3Eric, would you rather he's into twinks, he said eric, would you rather have games, unlimited games, so many games but no games, or what?
Speaker 1yeah, I'm with alex, here. What?
Speaker 2would you rather have games, unlimited games, so many games, but no games would you rather have oxygen, but you're in space have you even seen the hamburger cheeseburger on my screen?
Speaker 3oh no, oh nice interesting okay but,
Speaker 2no games um. You guys both think bunker, huh yeah, bunker.
Speaker 1I think bunker.
Speaker 2I go fortified skyscraper. I can't go underground in an apocalypse.
Speaker 3We're gamers. Motherfucker. We'll be underground for years and be fine.
Speaker 1Yeah, it would be like COVID. My life really would not change that much If it's just me and Eric.
Speaker 3we'll set up little game rooms on opposite sides. You go underground and we'll still play, you don't know anything, we'll play LAN from other sides and we'll act like it's online.
Speaker 2You guys are going to be underground for decades and the world will have moved on from it.
Speaker 1Yeah, we'll know who the CSGO champ between the two of us is.
Speaker 3We got our Steam libraries.
Speaker 1Yeah, okay, and our unlimited.
Speaker 3Unlimited games.
Speaker 1So many games but no games, maybe we'll actually beat it. Takes Two.
Speaker 2All right. So what's the verdict? Host?
The Ultimate Bonus Scenarios
Speaker 1Well, I've been keeping track of points which I don't normally do Valid, Valid and after all the scenarios and, truthfully, your guys' two scenarios really made a difference in who won Drumroll. Please, we have Alex as the winner with 12 points and TJ with 11. What the fuck? There was something TJ said earlier in the episode that was so funny and I don't remember what it was, but yeah, that was very funny and that had him in the episode.
Speaker 1That was so funny and I don't remember what it was, but yeah, that was very funny and that had him in the lead for a while.
Speaker 3Josh but his scenario.
Speaker 2Josh. His scenario didn't help him. Josh help.
Speaker 1His scenario. His scenario did not help him, josh, and yours did. You guys were able to earn points for either the scenario that I gave you or the follow-up, so either one could have earned you points. In some cases, you guys earned two points in one round. In some cases you earned one. In, I think, one case someone earned zero.
Speaker 3Josh, give me the win, and my life is yours.
Speaker 1Side note I also have one point, so that's cool.
Speaker 2Nice.
Speaker 3Eric, let me get that point, and then we can do a tie beater and it'll be funny.
Speaker 1Well, those what should we call it? Those rounds I'm sorry. Those two rounds that you guys just made up was the tiebreaker.
Speaker 3Oh oh well you didn't even let me do another one. I feel like I should get another one just why would you get two?
Speaker 1yeah, I think we're good on time actually, so uh we're really, really not.
Speaker 3This is gonna be like a 20 minute episode probably alex is gonna be.
Speaker 1When did you start recording? Alex is going to be our next host, next episode.
Speaker 2Josh.
Speaker 1Help me Really quick, Alex Winterspeed Josh.
Speaker 2Thank you all for contributing to my win. I'm so grateful for it all. I hope that you'll go check us out on all of our socials. Go check us out on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook. Will you Survive the Podcast? You can also search us up. Will you survive the podcast on youtube as well. Send your emails to the boys at. Will you survive the podcastcom? That's t-h-e-b-o-y-s at. Will you survive the podcastcom?
Speaker 2let us know if you have any movies or suggestions that of topics you would like us to cover. Any other critiques, criticisms, anything like that, I would also take that.
Speaker 3He uses the email for his Pornhub account.
Speaker 1Having a Pornhub account is crazy.
Speaker 3We keep getting updates on our phones and we're like whose fucking account is this? Me and Eric talked it's his.
Speaker 1If you have a Pornhub account, it means that you're commenting, and that's crazy behavior.
Speaker 2I exclusively go on to P. We went through his favorites list and it's fucking absolutely wild.
Speaker 1You don't even watch them, you just comment.
Speaker 2Don't even watch the videos, I just comment. It's just people in the woods, I just like to be there to watch.
Speaker 1I just like to watch the ones where he's like that's not how you start a fire, that's not how you start a fire.
Speaker 3These two dudes are rubbing their sticks together and it's not starting to fire, right.
Speaker 1That's not very realistic.
Speaker 2That is not what you would want to do in that scenario.
Speaker 1That water looks way too cold.
Speaker 2If you guys are stuck out in the woods, the last thing you want to do is take your clothes off.
Speaker 3Do I get a loser?
Speaker 1speech Sure. What do you want to say? Josh, josh, give me the win, please, josh, and until next time, stay alive okay, as your host, uh, I will say loser and until next time, stay alive joshua, give me the win.
Speaker 3It'll be fun if you give me the win. It'll be fun if you give me the win. You.
