Welcome to the Fearless Warrior podcast, a place for athletes, coaches and parents who know the value of a strong mindset. I'm your host, coach AB, a mental performance coach on a mission, former softball coach, wife and mom of three. Each episode we will dive deep into all things mental performance, mindset tools and how to rewire the brain for success. So if your goal is to gain the mental edge and learn the secrets of mental performance, you're in the right place. Let's tune in to today's episode. Today's episode is going to be a little bit different than our normal episode, as it's just me and the mic and as I think about what message I want to share with parents as we approach the new year is what are the biggest mistakes parents and coaches make that affect our athletes' confidence? And a lot of the times, these mistakes happen without us even realizing it. So here's how I'm going to break this down for you I'm going to name the mistake, tell you how it occurs and what it looks like, and then what to do about it. So before you get uncomfortable or your ego wants to defend yourself, just remember that this is a candid conversation with a little bit of tough love. So if you find yourself feeling guilty or upset or if you realize you've made some of these mistakes. I want to assure you that I have done every single one of these, not only as a parent myself with young kids, but as a coach. But the good news is that when you know and you become aware you can do better, you can take action to change it, to start to repair these areas and move forward with love and peace of mind that you're saying and doing the right things to help your child's well-being, because ultimately, that's why we're here, and softball just happens to be a very small portion of what we're doing as parents, and that's my goal in this episode is not to point a finger, but to help you make the changes you need to crush it as a mom, as a dad, as a coach, and not make the same mistakes I did you ready.
Speaker 1:Mistake number one over criticizing and analyzing their performance and skills. When we sign our kids up for sport, of course we want them to be successful and in order for them to be successful, we have to learn the right skills. We find ourselves up to our neck in lessons, practices, time in the cages, trying to hone their craft and get better and better and better, and it's this constant pursuit of becoming better at our sport and while, yes, we want to see them improve, in order to do that we have to find the things that they need to correct. This goes for anything band dance, gymnastics, baking cookies. We're going to make mistakes, and if it becomes the only thing that we talk about when you point out what they're doing wrong, they become frustrated and eventually numb to what you're saying. So, at the time of this recording, we are gearing up for Christmas, and one of the mistakes that my son kept making was writing his teacher's name and signing his name on Christmas cards, and I found myself giggling because I had to take a deep breath and pause and realize what I was doing. Writing is a new skill for him. He's learning how to write, know his letters, how to pronounce things, and he kept spelling his teacher's name wrong, even though I had written it on a sticky note. We wanted to be look, we wanted to look cute, we wanted to be perfect, right, and what I realized was his kindergarten teacher is literally teaching him how to write and sound things out. So she would find it really cute if her name was spelled wrong. But you can see how he was learning how to sound her name out. And so in that moment I noticed I was criticizing. I was trying to fix, I was trying to make it perfect. And if all I did was focus on what he was doing wrong instead of celebrating, this is a new skill for him.
Speaker 1:And I want you to think about how this story applies to your daughter. Right, what are they doing wrong? Is it a new skill? What are they learning? And if you're starting to kind of check yourself and say, oh, coach, ab, where do I do this? Right, think about your daughter's own voice, right? Does all she ever focus on is what she's doing wrong, what she needs to fix? And if that's her voice, it probably is originating from your voice. And so how do we change this? What do we do? We give her the answers she's searching for when she asks us the question well, what am I doing wrong, dad? What do I need to fix in my swing? And it's natural we tell her. We tell her all the things she's doing wrong. We do that immediately after a game. We point out the things that you need to fix this, this and this. It's natural we want her to be a better softball player, and if she's asking for that feedback, we tell her.
Speaker 1:But the analogy I want to give you is have you ever had a boss or a co-worker? All they ever do is constantly point out what you did wrong. How does that make you feel? And chances are it's likely a former boss because you decided to quit or leave that position. Have you ever heard the saying people don't leave bad jobs, they leave bad bosses, poor management who don't appreciate their value? I have to and I've lived that, and so here's what to do about that with your relationship with your daughter. I want you to close your eyes unless you're driving or operating heavy machinery. I feel like I have to say that. I want you to imagine your daughter when she was two.
Speaker 1:Can you go back to those days with her sweet little voice and the times where she was discovering her independence, when she wanted to do things on her own and figure out her world, like dressing herself, building Legos, drawing pretty pictures look mommy, look daddy, I did it and fast forward to when she learned her ABCs and her colors and when she was learning how to read and write and tie her shoes, and how proud you were that this little nugget was growing and learning so much, you could still scoop her up into your arms and she'd wrap her little arms around your neck. What did you say to her then? How did you love her? How excited were you when she learned something new. Think about when she first started softball, when she learned how to throw or catch correctly or get her new cleats or her new glove. How proud you were that she was growing and learning and falling in love with the things that she was doing. That little girl is still there and she craves your praise and love, just the same as when she was little, if not more, now as a preteen and a teen.
Speaker 1:So if there's even a little bit of doubt in your mind, if you aren't praising her enough, or if she's doubting how much you love her, then this is your challenge to praise her more, to find when she does things right, when she's learning a new skill. Recognize her progress. Recognize that it is frustrating when she's learning a new skill. Point out when you've been frustrated. When you're learning a new skill, celebrate the success. Celebrate her progress, how she's growing and working at her skills. Even if she's not where she wants to be yet, it will come and you can love her through it all.
Speaker 1:My dad always used to say I am so proud of you, and he would make sure that I said the same thing as a young coach Tell your girls you're proud of them. I can still hear him saying that. So don't assume that they know. Make sure they know. So to recap, with each mistake, I'm going to tell you this mistake over criticizing and analyzing their performance. Tell you how it occurs. You know what to look for and what to do about it. So hear me loud and clear, check in with yourself. Am I praising her? Real, intentional, authentic praise? And find opportunities to do that, all right. Mistake number two withholding. If this is the first time you've heard this term, I teach this inside my parent programs.
Speaker 1:Emotional withholding is the act of intentionally keeping one's feelings, thoughts and needs from another person. This can be done in various ways, such as refusing to share your thoughts or feelings, giving the silent treatment or avoiding intimate conversations. This is also called conditional love In the psychology world. Sometimes this happens in intimate relationships with your partner or your spouse, and sometimes it's done intentional and it's harmful because it creates a sense of distance and disconnect between people when one person withholds their emotions, it can make the other person feel rejected, frustrated or confused, and sometimes these people do it on purpose. And if you're listening to this and you're like, oh my gosh, coach AB, am I doing this? Hang with me. You might be doing it unintentionally, not maliciously, just unintentionally. So hang with me. When they feel isolated or ignored and they don't receive love and praise from you, they don't have control over their lives, and the reason it's so damaging is because the victim can't do anything to stop it. Now, I'm saying the word victim because in the psychology world, it's the person that's receiving this withholding right. It occurs in a parent relationship because your child doesn't have the ability to comprehend. It's not their fault.
Speaker 1:There are many reasons why people engage in emotional withholding and you might find that you withhold your emotions as a coping mechanism in response to past traumas. If you were raised in a household where your parents didn't let you express your emotions or love wasn't spoken outwardly, did you grow up hearing things like suck it up, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, stop crying? Or you were told to go to your room if you were emotional, and it makes sense why you associate emotions with being a bad thing. Some people do this as a form of self-protection, believing that sharing their emotions will only lead to hurt or rejection. I made this mistake as a young coach, when I felt like, if I showed my emotions to my athletes, that it would take away my authority and they wouldn't respect me. I was actually doing the opposite of what I had intended. Now, keep in mind this is a high school program.
Speaker 1:I coached for three years and my alma mater felt like I had to prove myself as a young female coach and they didn't know which coach AB was going to show up that day. And they did well and we were winning. I would praise them, and if we did bad, I was silent in our post game meetings. It was short, I didn't talk on the van ride or the bus ride home, and it created a toxic environment because they felt like they had to be my top nine on my lineup in order for me to like them. And that was a hard pill to swallow, because those of you that know me know the real me, that I do want all athletes to succeed. I want them all to be successful and I love every single athlete I've ever coached, but because I was withholding my praise, they associated me as their coach with a negative feeling because they didn't know, they couldn't read my mind. They had to guess whether or not I liked them. They had to guess what I thought of them because I didn't speak it.
Speaker 1:There's a saying or there's research that says that whenever there's a gap or there's nothing communicated, negativity will always fill that void. The example that I use is if you text somebody and they don't text you back, what do you assume? We assume something negative. They don't want to talk to me, they don't like me. And so if you're withholding your love and your praise and you're not keeping it consistent, they're going to be riding that roller coaster of wondering is mom and dad happy? Do they love me? And they're going to do anything they can to gain the praise and affection from you. And this results with them associating their sports performance with your love and affection, which we know they can't always control. Right, it's a game of luck. They're gonna strike out, they're gonna miss balls, they're gonna not get skills fast enough and they don't always have the ability to perform flawlessly. It's unrealistic. And if they associate that with mom and dad's love, it becomes a teeter totter. It's that roller coaster, right? They're terrified to quit their sport because they fear it will take away the only thing that provides them with mom and dad's love A sense of security, right? So what does this look like?
Speaker 1:If you give them a silent treatment or show anger after a loss, sometimes it's easier just to say, hey, I don't know what to say right now. That was a tough game, right? I'm here. If you want to talk, you don't have to know what to say. Just don't give them the silent treatment. If you show frustration and don't offer a hug in some cases, but only hug them and show love when they win, same thing hug them no matter what, even if you don't know what to say.
Speaker 1:Ask yourself what can you do so that you remain the same with your attention and affection, regardless of their performance? Or going out to eat? If you only go out to eat after they win, you're gonna feed your kid regardless, right? So stop connecting it with performance. Now, I'm not saying that you can't go out to out backstage if she pitches a perfect game. My parents did that and it was a heightened memory, right? Like every now and then when there's something amazing. Of course, obviously, that calls for celebration. But if it becomes black and white, where every time you win you go out for ice cream and every time you lose you go home, try going for ice cream or out to eat after a tough loss to mix it up, you can even say something like ugh, that was tough competition today, but I'm proud of you for not giving up and I saw how hard you worked out there. How does ice cream sound? Try it out, see what happens, if anything else. Just know that withholding is a pattern that you want to change as fast as possible and that's one of the biggest mistakes that I see mostly coaches make and sometimes parents. So if that's you, try some of those tips.
Speaker 1:Number three this is a big one and I think everyone well, it's in the top five. So everyone's guilty of this one. It's super simple and super short and I'm guessing if you're listening to this podcast, I don't have to explain this one in depth too. Mistake number three is over-emphasizing the physical side. If we're spending 100% of our time on the physical skills but we know that the game is mental, 90% mental, that doesn't leave any room for mental skills. If all we're doing is the physical side, take time to talk about the mental side. Have her journal, listen to this podcast, sign her up for mental training, whether it's inside the Fearless Warrior program or another resource out there. It is growing so rapidly, and that's why I do what I do is because I know five years from now, or even less, more and more girls are going to have access to mental performance tools and mental performance coaching. So there, that one's super short. We must prioritize the mental side of the game.
Speaker 1:Mistake number four guilting her with time and money spent. Now, this is a sneaky one. This can look like being grumpy about car rides across town and time spent late night at lessons or at tournaments on the weekend, and what I want to offer you is you knew what you signed up for when you got her on a travel team. So if the little voice in your head is saying, yeah, coach AB, you got me there, I do complain about this sometimes in front of her, I'm not saying you're allowed, not allowed to be frustrated, but if you're constantly talking about how much time you spend and how much money you spend, those become guilt trips. Please stop involving your 10 year old heck, even your high schooler in those decisions and those financial conversations, if they should be staying within your spousal conversations or adult conversations. She doesn't need to hear you complain about play to stay or how much the hotel costs. She's excited to be there with her teammates. And if the hotel has a pool, the same goes for equipment.
Speaker 1:If you're planning on buying her a bat anyway, does she really need to know how much it costs? She doesn't have a real concept of money yet, especially if she's younger. $400 is a lot of freaking money in their mind, let alone team dues. Right, if you inform your daughter of these things, if she doesn't have a concept of money, that's like telling my, you know, like right now my five year old. If you give him a dollar, he doesn't understand what that can buy him. He wants to go buy a $20 toy. He just doesn't have a concept of money yet, and I'm guessing that 10 year olds, 12 year olds, they don't really have that concept yet until they start working a job, right.
Speaker 1:And so do you inform your daughter how much you spend on groceries? Do you tell her how much your car payment is, you know? Do you say, hey, you know, this is what we spent on this. This is what we spent on this. We're only talking to her about softball. Like, why are we talking to her about softball costs If you're not talking to her about other costs? Right? It seems kind of weird. And so if you spend money on those things, because that's what it takes, it's just like spending money on groceries, right, that's what it takes to be a parent and raise a family. We signed up for this.
Speaker 1:And so if you're willing to do this regardless, I would stop having those conversations with her, because she knew the thousands of dollars you spent on softball, she would probably feel extremely guilty because it's not her money. It clouds her experience on something you would spend money on anyway. She's going to feel so much pressure because mom and dad are spending money on this. They're spending money on me. I have to do well, I must succeed. Right, and I'm not saying she can't earn and do chores and have more responsibility. I'm just saying she doesn't need to be brought in on adult conversations that are beyond her comprehension. The same goes for pressure of getting a college scholarship. She doesn't know what tuition yet. Heck, how do you even know, how do I even know, what college is going to cost, even two years from now?
Speaker 1:Right, the story that I share on this is one of my very first athletes I ever coached on the physical side. She was an amazing pitcher and the story that I tell of this is she worked incredibly hard, she was brilliant and she wanted to play college softball. She ended up signing to play at a well-known division one school in the Big Ten and she was so excited she felt like she had finally made it. She made her goal, she was going, she packed her bags and she was super excited. And the interesting thing is all of us in her world her parents, me as her coach we had no idea the thoughts that she was struggling with as she went to go play. She felt like I had all of these tools and resources. My parents paid for lessons. I played on a top team. I got to work with Coach AB. High school team was successful.
Speaker 1:We ended up going to state and she had all of this evidence in her life that she had every single resource available to her. Her parents didn't talk about the things that she was doing. She just knew that I have all these resources. And the mistake that I'm saying here is, even if you're not talking about money, eventually, when they get older, they're going to start to realize and I'll get to the story. I should probably tell this part. This is the important part is I got a text from her one day that she was deciding to step away, she was quitting, and this was in her sophomore year. She had stayed on her freshman year and her sophomore year. She just quit, right, she wanted to go to school to get her degree. That's why she went to that school and it just became too much for her that here I am. I made it D1, why am I not successful on the softball field? That's wrong with me, because she did have the lessons, the gear, the top teams. She had all of the resources in the world.
Speaker 1:And this story relates to a lot of what your athletes might already be thinking is that, if you're talking about the time and the money spent, it would be really frustrating for them to reach the pinnacle of their career and finally make it to their big goal of playing in college, only for them to self sabotage and feel like they didn't make it right, because all you ever talked about was the sacrifices that you made. You want her to enjoy it. You want her to finally get to that point and go be successful, right? We don't want them to experience imposter syndrome. And if she would have focused more on the mental side of the game her and I have conversations about this is that we wish that we would have talked about it sooner. We wish that this would have been more of a priority so that when those negative thoughts came in, when the imposter syndrome set in, when she felt like she was out of her league, she just wishes that she could go back and realize that her confidence wasn't determined by some of those external factors and that she was successful. And so I don't tell that story to scare you. I'm just saying that if that's all you ever focus on and we're not focusing on the mental side if you're going to spend those, the cost and the time and all of the things, don't you want it to be worth? And if it's going to be worth it anyway, how can you support her so that she doesn't doubt how good she is and what she's capable of?
Speaker 1:So I know that was a little bit on the longer side, but this one is also a sneaky one. I think I mentioned that earlier, but kind of, just take a look and see where am I doing this? What conversations am I having in front of my daughter and does she need to hear this and find a way to not have those conversations in front of her? Or have conversations to be transparent with her, of saying not assuming that she knows, but saying, honey, I would spend an immense amount of money because you love this sport and I want to see you happy. I could care less, right, of course I want to see you succeed, but we're doing this because we would do it anyway and having that authentic conversation with her would be really helpful. All right, we are trucking right along.
Speaker 1:You ready for mistake number five. This is also a big one. Number five assuming she knows how to manage her mindset. I hear this all the time on coaching sessions with athletes. I will ask them things like do you know what it actually means to trust the process? And they shake their heads like, yeah, maybe, coach, I'll ask them do you feel like you have the tools to calm down when you want to? And they kind of look at me, right, I'll tell them have you ever had a time that you've been so upset that you start crying? And when your parents or coaches tell you to stop crying, it makes you cry even more. And they shake their heads, yes, with big eyes like yep, been there, coach AB.
Speaker 1:And what do you do with those moments? It all starts with awareness of the tools she needs not only to cope, but to shift into a new mental state to process those emotions without letting it derail her and make her feel stuck. They just have never been taught how. And if we say things like calm down, just breathe, relax out there, sure that's great, but they literally don't know how. And that's what I get to teach and I love when they have those aha moments on coaching calls because it's tangible, right, we make it tangible so that a mental tool like breathing or grounding techniques or visualization or intentional routines, they have something that they can follow step by step by step. Same thing with failure recovery they get to create their failure recovery mechanism and these are tools that are just like the physical side. They're things that they get to use to calm down, to stay focused, to play at their best.
Speaker 1:One of the things that we talk about is emotions, and things that they experience are actually something that they're supposed to feel. It's what makes them human, right, and so if we assume that she knows how to manage her emotions and not suppress them. There's actually no such thing as a positive or negative emotion, and the mistake that we make as parents is we try to nip their bad body language. We try to tell them don't show emotions right. And if there's no such thing as a positive or negative emotion, the analogy that I use on coaching calls with athletes goes like this Whether it is or emotions are like the weather.
Speaker 1:And I'll ask them I'll say who loves a sunny day, like 90 degrees, toes in the sand soaking up the sunshine, and I'll usually raise my hand because that's my favorite, and some of them will raise their hands. And then I'll ask them who loves a good rainy day, a little bit chilly, where you can cuddle up with a hot chocolate and a book, and some of them will raise their hands. I'll ask them who loves the snow, who loves to go sledding and skiing and loves the cold, and some of them will raise their hands. And I'll ask them this who's right and who's wrong? And if our emotions are like the weather, we're going to experience all types of weather and it comes and it goes, and there's no such thing as good or bad weather. It's all just weather. It's going to take some sunshine, it's going to take some rainy days for everything to grow and survive on this planet.
Speaker 1:And so she's a human. She's going to have sadness, she's going to have happiness, she's going to have frustration, and we don't suppress it, we just feel it. And when they start to understand how their emotions work and how their thoughts work and tools to navigate the roller coasters, to navigate those emotional spirals, she's going to start to feel empowered because she's not just ignoring it and it's something that she can take ownership of. And as a parent, how cool is that when you can just say, hey, what about your mental tools, follow your techniques? And that's really powerful, because now she knows how and the mistake that we make and I see coaches make this is and I feel this, I feel this deeply as a former pitching coach, I always felt incredibly nervous giving a kid tips on hitting, because I wasn't a hitting coach.
Speaker 1:But the thing I want to propose to you is don't let not knowing how to coach something stop you Right. So think about if your daughter is a pitcher. Well, I don't know how to teach pitching. What'd you do? You signed her up for pitching lessons, or I really want her to be a better hitter. You signed her up for a hitting coach or hitting lessons, right? The same thing can happen on the mental side of the game. If you want to equip her with mental tools, it's going to take a mental performance coach. It's going to take some research. There's lots of resources out there. Again, that's why I do this, because I want to educate parents on what's possible.
Speaker 1:And if you're making the mistake of just assuming that it will go away or it will get better with more time, the stakes just get higher as she gets older. The pressure rises when she gets into high school and college, and you can't leave her mental game to chance. You can't just assume her coaches are talking about it. And worse, maybe your coaches, unknowingly, are making the problem worse, or they're promoting toxic positivity, or they are wrecking her confidence. And if she's in those environments where you feel like her confidence is being shattered or tested, what if she had the tools, regardless of the environment she found herself in? Right, like no amount of bad teams, bad coaches, bad losses could shake her mindset. That's the power of giving her mental tools. And so what to do about it? Right, start introducing her to some of these skills. Stay connected with the podcast, follow what we post on social media. Get her signed up with the Fearless Warrior program.
Speaker 1:At the time of this recording, you're probably going to hear Mental Skills Challenge Week. We host that four times a year and I love it because when they start to realize, wow, I actually have control over my mental state, it's game over, right. Like taking the physical side of the game and the mental side of the game, and when those two are cohesive, they are unsoppable. So, to recap the five mistakes, if you find yourself committing any of these mistakes, it's not too late. Try some of these tips, remember. Number one over-criticizing. Start to find areas where you can craze them. If you're withholding love, find ways to be more constant and give them unconditional love. Number three if you're overemphasizing the physical side, ding, ding, ding. I'm gonna tell you to take a break. Let the physical side rest. If you can take a break for a week or two or find time to tune in to the mental side, that's how you solve that one. Number four guilting her with time and money spent. Just be careful about what conversations you're having with her. And number five assuming she knows how, get her into resources that will help her, just like other areas of the game.
Speaker 1:All right, you are a rock star. I'm gonna praise you. The mere fact that you made it through this entire episode and you're listening right now. I'm gonna reach through the microphone and your car radio and I wish I could give you this bump, a high five, a hug, because you're a great mom, you're a great dad, you're a great coach, simply because you're here and you're investing in your time and your knowledge into being better. That already makes you an amazing person, and I'm here to support you and cheer you on and whoop, whoop all that I can, and so, with that, till next time. I will see you on the next episode, if you haven't already.
Speaker 1:Stay tuned with the events and the things that we are putting on. We just happen to be hosting Mental Skills Challenge Week next, and you probably heard an ad at the beginning of this episode for that event. It is a free event to start thinking about some of these things, so it'll be linked in the show notes. If it's not, it's FearlessWarriorProgramcom forward slash challenge, or you can head to our social media. I'm sure we will have recent posts on it and if you happen to be listening to this after the challenge is over, don't worry, we'll host another one soon. We usually do them every three months and then we open enrollment into the FearlessWarriorProgram. So, regardless, you are supported, we have resources, we're here for you. You are amazing. I hope you have a great week and I cannot wait to kick off 2024 with you.