Unpolished Recovery
Unpolished Recovery fearlessly dives into the raw and unfiltered tales of triumph over addiction and alcoholism. We believe that true healing begins when we embrace our stories' messy, imperfect aspects. Whether you're someone seeking inspiration on your path to recovery, a friend or family member supporting a loved one, or simply a curious listener, this podcast offers eye-opening and uplifting insights.
Unpolished Recovery
From Addiction's Grip to Guiding Light
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Navigating the tightrope between personal recovery and facilitating the growth of others can be a precarious balance. At the heart of our conversation, we explore Kevin's evolution from a participant to a beacon of leadership within the recovery program. He opens up about the delicate process of maintaining a healthy, supportive environment, addressing the complexities of drug testing and the profound sorrow that accompanies witnessing relapses. Yet, through these trials, Kevin illustrates the profound personal growth that arises from providing steadfast support without enabling and the unique challenges of a relationship interwoven with the recovery journey.
Welcome to unpolished recovery. My name is Trey. Most stories of recovery start with how bad addiction was, how they enter recovery, and how great life is now. That's a polished story.
Speaker 2My name's Chris and your co host of Impulse Recovery. Today's guest is named Kevin. If you don't mind Kevin, Like, just give a little back story on you. Kevin is a full time program under here at the recovery support program. He is also a graduate alumina restoration house, but it was how long ago did you graduate? Thirty four years five? I believe, five years ago. Well, just you being here talking about recovery day and graduate five years ago is is pretty special in itself. Overall, can you remember just how long you've been affiliated with Crossbridge?
Speaker 3I came into the program in July the end of July twenty eighteen, and then been working for the program for a little bit over four years now also.
Speaker 2Yeah. It it doesn't seem like that long, but sometimes I feel like I've known you forever. We've kinda been on this journey together. I remember I had completed the program left and ended up relapsing, come back. And you were here then and we've kinda just been here. Together through the years, and we've had the privilege of, you know, experiencing all the wonderful changes with just cross border restoration house get power, so almost almost like family. Right? So I know we set around reminisce all the time about how things used to be and how much they've changed. So Kevin, don't mind me asking, how long were you in active addiction before he came to restoration? Twelve years. Twelve years. Now your drug of choice
Speaker 3of paying pills, opiates?
Speaker 2Mhmm.
Speaker 3But really whatever I could get my hands on.
Speaker 2And and I'm trying to remember correctly, what was your route to come to restoration house. How did that develop?
Speaker 3I got out of rehab, did not have a home plan, went to my dad's for a couple days. He didn't want me there. And that's when I reached out to Dan who was running restoration house at
Speaker 2the time and got accepted and came. Did you ever think it would lead you down? The the journey that you've been on since then, not at all. I don't
Speaker 3even know if I could really be clean and sober. And then yeah. So I couldn't envision a future that's anything like this.
Speaker 2Now there is some great things going on in your life today. Do you wanna kinda just mention a few of those some of the stuff that you've got going on. Yep.
Speaker 3Oh, and I'm about to get married to beautiful strong woman that's also in recovery herself. She was a participant in the program long time ago. There's quite a bit of time. Yeah. We waited four years three years until we actually started dating. That's the biggest thing, but just living on my own. Learning how to live. They're
Speaker 2responsible. Don't lie. It's so foreign coming out of their mouth. We just I I don't know about you, Kevin, but I'm one that's like, oh my goodness. We're at what point that would come, we're responsible, though. It's it's normal for most people, but for us, they're like, wow, pay my bills, stay clean sober, you know, go to work every day, save money, but You you had mentioned that you and your fiancee, you said you waited three or four years. Did you abstain pretty much for any serious relationship during that time?
Speaker 3Yes. I did. I had talked about getting in a relationship early in recovery, but after eight, nine months, I really realized that I just need to focus on myself and get myself right with God. And when I was Finally writing, I knew it and was able to ask her out.
Speaker 2That's great. It's great that y'all get a share. You know, we try to promote as much as we can. But I I'm like you, Kevin, except most of my life, I was in one relationship. After another, and it was just unhealthy. And then I actually did what they recommended, which was abstain, you know, from my ships for for a period of time, and and I did the same. And after a few years, I actually met my spouse now. Do you think that's a key part? Won't make your relationship so strong today is that time you took for yourself?
Speaker 3Yeah. Definitely. If I hadn't taken that time, then Best way to explain that, just so I wouldn't have been whole enough. I wouldn't have had as much to give to her. I feel like I would have been bringing her down and maybe vice versa with her being earlier in her recovery. Is I needed all the healing that took place over those four years to be able to get to this point to have this healthy relationship where
Speaker 2Well, but I I like how you said that that you had to to be right with yourself so you would have enough to give the relationship. I think that's that's well put. I can relate to that. Now you'd said you were an active addiction for twelve years, kinda What's some the low point or some of the low points during that period?
Speaker 3There's a lot of low points. Just looking back on it, watching my nephew and nephews while being high, driving them around while being high. The closest I came to over dosing was in my sister's house with them there. And it's like, if I did, then the kids most likely would have been the people that found me. But the biggest the lowest point is on at the end of my addiction active addiction. I was taking care of mom and my grandma. And, you know, I basically had control over their finances. I was driving my mom's car, and it got to the point where Rector Carr had spent all of her money, so there was no way to even pay rent. And, you know, just got home after wrecking the car and used the rest of the stuff that ahead at the house. And, yeah, I just woke up in the morning just knowing I could not could not continue on.
Speaker 2Is that what led you to treatment that experience? So that was kind of just a point that said, hey, I gotta do something.
Speaker 3Yep. I reached out to my sister and let her know that I'm finally ready, like, to try recovery and rehab and she was a big part in it. She was one of the most of, like, the logistics to get me into it.
Speaker 2Well, I I have the luxury of knowing you like I said for years. So I know how big family is to you. I know how important your sister and your brother-in-law especially its niece and nephew. I know how important and how much time you dedicate to to be so for me, you know, that I didn't know you then to me, you know, shocking, but I but I know personally the depths that addiction takes us to we're looking for that next use and and we don't see anything else. But I know that families a really big deal. Did did you have something tray you're gonna ask?
Speaker 1No. Not not at the moment.
Speaker 2Well and then so did you ever try a recovery during those twelve years? Because you said, kinda, finally, did you ever have any failed attempts or
Speaker 3just a little bit. I moved down here to Tennessee seven or eight years ago, and I tried to get clean. When I got down here, I made about four months, did a few NA maintenance, and got a sponsor, but it just really wasn't bogged in yet at that point, you know. Start smoking weed again. And then the first opportunity that I had, I was back to doing pain pills and often running for another two horrible years. Mhmm.
Speaker 2Let me ask you. You'd said move back down here because I know a lot of people has tried to change location. Was that part of your plan? If I changed location, it'll be easier for me to quit.
Speaker 3Yep. Because I never actually, like, tried to really quit. I told myself I was getting quiet, but it was just lying to myself and as soon as I was feeling better back to use him. But moving down here, partly my dad was like, you're if you're using, you're not gonna be able to come because I moved down with him and all And I just I needed to do something different. I mean, at that point, I was just getting blackout drunk almost every night and working at a gas station, trying to support my pill habit. Mhmm.
Speaker 2Did you say you lacked direction, airline? Because I I kind of before when you told me a little bit about your your story, that's the biggest difference today versus the end that I see is that you do have direction in your life and you are working on a broader future and you can see tangible proof throughout the years.
Speaker 1When you say, like, part of that process of moving, were there people that you had to leave behind in your life?
Speaker 3Yeah. Everybody. Except for my immediate family. Yeah. And that's it. From was raised in Southern Maryland, and it's just I have no reason to go back. There's Nothing time either.
Speaker 1Nothing positive anyways. Right?
Speaker 3Yes, sir.
Speaker 2Is this home now?
Speaker 3Yes.
Speaker 2This is home.
Speaker 1During that process of saying like you had to get up and and move like, out of your current environment, are there family members that that that had to leave your life for, like, a season? Because of, like, their own dysfunction or anything like that?
Speaker 3Not really home.
Speaker 1So you were the dysfunction.
Speaker 3Yet. Yeah. I mean, I do have a family of addicts, but my sister, she wasn't using at the time, or she quit using basically weed, and stuff was her main thing. But My dad had quit drinking at that point. He had got five years, but, you know, it was mainly just me and my Twin brother who was in a different part of Maryland doing the same stuff I was doing.
Speaker 2Now along the road, it sounds like this is a complete change you went from just life addiction, go treatment, then straight into recovery. What was, say, the first year? If you can remember, what was some of the was one of
Speaker 3the hardest times you had in recovery, being clean and sober, and living life on life terms, anything come to mind that was the most difficult wired clean and sober. Just learning to live I mean, really, I had not been a responsible adult at all before getting into recovery. So learning to pay my bills, to be there somewhat healthy at that point with my family. It was a struggle because coming into halfway house, there was a guy in the room next to me that was using heroin. And it was part of my journey learning late, that I need to protect my recovery and I didn't say anything, I should have at the time, but I didn't. But eventually, he did leave. I was able to get through that situation without using, but that was really tough and recovery living in a halfway house with a bunch of different guys. I mean, that's it's not ideal, but it is a good ground to learn, like, where to live, how to live life on life starts?
Speaker 2So, you know, being in that position as a participant and be at been forced basically to be around it versus now being in a position leadership responsibly, making sure that the program runs according to the standards in the rules and guidelines. Like, how much does your belief system change because of that? Do you ever think like, hey, I don't want somebody else going through that situation? If I if we can help it.
Speaker 3Yeah. When I first started working here, drug tests is what I did. And I really don't like doing it at the time, and I still don't necessarily like doing it. But it's part of the bigger picture that, like, we cannot have views in here. We have to give everybody the same opportunity in part of that opportunity is to have a healthy environment to being early recovery. So trying to get rid of the people that aren't serious that do mess up and just aren't ready for this part of their life yet.
Speaker 2Well, I can tell the big difference for Matt. Like, I personally witnessed you confront people over it. In in a loving way, but confront them now overusing because not just keeping environment safe, but keeping your own sobriety. I personally witnessed you, you know, not having it. You're you're not okay with it. So I think sometimes that gets overlooked at what what a magnificent change that is that first you're just trying to survive it. Now you're protecting, you know, your sobriety. I think that's that's wonderful.
Speaker 1How have you seen your journey in your current role how how's it impacted your recovery? Where have you seen yourself grow, change,
Speaker 3So I'm a people pleaser, really just standing up for so basically, confronting people in a healthy manner is
Speaker 2healthy confrontation.
Speaker 3It's probably been the biggest area that I've grown, that I've had to. Because I'd for some reason, I just don't like hurting people's feelings. And for people to get recovery, they're gonna have to get their feelings hurt. That's gonna be a hard truth that need to be said. And I still have a problem with it, like, a difficult time, but I'm more able to now. I'm able to take the personal aspect out of it, but it's still difficult.
Speaker 1Yeah. Certainly. Beth, I'm proud of growing.
Speaker 2The bigger picture now, how important it it is. Like knowing, after seeing hundreds of people come through during your time, seeing people succeed, seeing people there were not ready. Do you think that helps you with that now that you're able to see, like, how important it is?
Speaker 3No. To see the other day. Had somebody come up here that had been a participant in the program, graduated the program. But he ended up leaving really abruptly. We knew at the time that it was a bad decision. We tried to tell him. He still went ahead with it, and now he's in a very bad situation, homeless. To the point where I asked him if he's willing to get into treatment again. And he said, no. I'm just tired, implying that he's willing he's just ready to go and pass away.
Speaker 2Yeah. We can that's one hard lesson. That I've I've learned it in my own time in recovery and working in recovery is that I just can't want it. More than the individual does. And that's like you were talking about hard truths. Like, that's one that I've had to come to accept, you know, that they have to want it. And I can't want it more. So it's tough. We we do see a lot of great things, but then we do see people are not ready and and we want it for them. We don't want to see them suffer. That's one thing. I I don't I don't know if I ever get used to it, but I understand that it's just part of it, you know. But Always hurt your I hope I never lose that that that
Speaker 1that heartbreak.
Speaker 2Yeah. For for peoples that are still struggling. I hope that's something I'm able to maintain for a long time.
Speaker 1Yeah. We constantly return back to this same ish question. Because every person that sits in this room, we kind of talk about one of the ways that we know one is succeeding in recovery is by helping others. And I'm curious, what are some things you've learned in that journey of of even what Chris is talking about of, like, things like that. That you can't be responsible for someone else's recovery journey and things things of that nature.
Speaker 3You know, just briefly on that. The it I've seen so many people that are just so capable that it's like why don't you just get it? And that's really tough. It seems like the most capable ones are the ones that just aren't ready to get. And hopefully they get there. But really, start now my, like, helping somebody who was buying them cigarettes, just material kind of things. And that's still good. We get people that come in that don't have anything so a pack of cigarettes could really ease their stress at the time. But now it's more so just being there for them, trying to be a good leader, a guide like you gotta get a sponsor that you really like that you can be honest with, that really pour yourself into the steps.
Speaker 1Really just putting them as close to the goal as you can. Yes, sir. Without doing without enabling. What about how does that look or how does traveling your own recovery journey while being in a relationship with someone who's on their own recovery journey? What does that look like? Where are some obstacles you've seen there?
Speaker 3So obstacles I've seen is that people they make recovery, like, the main part of their relationship. And for me, I I couldn't do that. My recovery, she has her recovery. Home. We're still to recovering people. So we do talk about recovery. She wants to work in recovery one day. So we do and we It is a part of our lives, but it's not a foundation that we built our relationship on on we go to different meetings. There's times where we go to the same meeting, but for the most part, I have my recovery, she has hers.
Speaker 1Yeah. Their two independent journeys. Yes. Yeah. And I'm curious I I mean, I again, I don't see nearly as many relationships the people in recovery is likely y'all do, and I'm guessing that an area where people likely fail is that their recovery journey, their they they are holding each other accountable instead of or trying to take care of each other's recurring a very journey.
Speaker 2Yeah. Probably the most that I that I personally seen. I'm sure Kevin agrees, like, the other person becomes their higher power.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2The relationship is the higher power. I I see that a lot. And like Kevin mentioned, like having two separate recovery score be in response for your own recovery. So many times, those things like Kevin said, merge and there's no individual recovery process. As long as everything's going good with the relationship, everything's fine. But as soon as trouble times come. There's nothing to stand on for yourself. So, you know, I I don't see a lot of success in it. The most success that I've seen is when people have been cleaning sober for a while. And then the other person's got their own foundation and it's just sharing a life instead of putting the pressure on the other one to be the life, you know. So that's that's when I when I've seen it be successful, but it's very rare.
Speaker 1Yeah. Well, I mean, even Tina was talking about someone recently that she knew, got a divorce, and then that that journey of addiction resumed in their life.
Speaker 2Mhmm. Kevin's a humble guy. Like, most of the the people we pulled on here are just humble. I like I said, I've had the blessing again I know for a fact that, you know, Kevin has faced some loss hardships during his time sober, cleaning sober, And and I've watched him use the recovery principles and stuff to navigate through that. You know, and they also know what impact he has on other people in recovery. And I know how much he's grown through the years, like, I can't even describe you know, he he he didn't mention, but he's also a CPRS. He has trained to work in recovery He continues his education every year. From as far as I know, Kevin, you you have a desire to do more in work covery with appropriate training. Right?
Speaker 3Yep. Yeah. This is just the first step in my journey, being a program auditor and I don't know what the future is gonna hold. I still don't even know exactly what I want to do, but there's really nothing off the table. Whether working in treatment, getting my laid egg. Yeah. Really? Scott's the winner, you know, just whatever God has for me.
Speaker 2It's nice to have options. I wish I could tell you I've always had that. But, you know, but I I think it's you know, that Kevin, especially is a testament of what recovery. And what what a solid there's no perfect program, but if someone comes in and and puts the effort. But I think one thing about you, Kevin, that was you wasn't just trying to stay clean and sober maybe at first. But, like, you did try to work on those things like healthy confrontation. Standing in for what you believe, not allowing people to run over you. Like, I've seen you work on those things. That's hard to sum it up and just to sense. But, you know, and Kevin's ever been a bragger, you know. He's just a very humble person. Most of the people working here that way, but just in a short podcast, there's no way that could adequately describe the growth and how much he's meant to restoration house and the impact he's had. Because it's nice to have a a bunch of staff that have been in recovery for years, come to the program and say, hey, you're gonna have hard time selling them that it don't work. You know, so I know I I personally count you one of my friends and part of my support network outside of just work, you know, that someone I can trust to to to be honest, whether I like the whether it hurts my feelings or not. I I know that I need those people. Do you say, like, your support network is as strong as it's ever been?
Speaker 3Yeah, it is. One of the few that I lucky that I didn't lose my family. I didn't burn much bridges with family members and people close to me. In my addiction, they were able to see that it what I was doing was because of my addiction even though it still hurt them. You know, they still stayed in my life on. But, yeah, it's strengthen my relationship with everybody from myself to my sister, my nephews, my brother, my dad. Recoveries. And it just gave me freedom to, I mean, find what's important to me and all families one of the biggest things that is important to me. And then going back to what you were saying before, I always thought I was a humble person and a really took recovery to learn what real true humility is. And learning the principles, the first principles you really introduced to and recovery is honesty, open minded. Ness and willingness. And that's just something that I've had to have these whole last five years on and perception change changes your perspective and perspective changes your perception and It's just like I'm never gonna be cured. I'm never gonna have everything figured out. There's always gonna be new stuff that opens up and shows that, hey, you're not doing good in this area, you need to work on that and just try to stay humble in see what God really wants me to work on in that season and that moment of life. Well,
Speaker 1I'm curious, can you tell us a little bit about I know you don't you don't live on-site what were some challenges you saw, like the immediate challenges you saw when you moved off-site? Or were there any or how did your recovery journey change?
Speaker 3So it changes I mean, just having a less supervision on not living on the same site where it worked. I mean, further away from my boss, further away from other people in recovery is easier to, like, not to try to, like, oh, I don't need to go as many means. I can I can take this week off? One of the difficulties was Punctuality. It's a lot easier when all that to do is wake up, get ready, and walk downstairs. And then, you know, and then I actually had to get ready and drive to work and be there on time. That was a difficulty and still struggle with it, but my boss is pretty accepting.
Journey of Recovery and Growth
Speaker 1I'm pretty sure he still gives you a hard time about it.
Speaker 2Oscar's say, I I'm positive that when he lived outside, he needed that space away, but that's okay too. I mean, it's just like I said, Kevin's an example. Like like I said, we've been on this road together for a long time, but there's a lot of qualities that he has that I don't, that I admire, and that makes me want to work harder in those areas I think that's what makes our team here really good. It's like we all have the set of skills, some we share, but we have things that are unique for each individual and together, it makes a pretty complete team. But but like Kevin is saying that we're never gonna be the finished product That was a big lesson knowing that there's always work to do. I'm not where I started at, but I'm still a long way from where I'm gonna finish up and, you know, to be able to continue to be open minded, willing, you know, showing willingness and being honest, like, I just couldn't say it better that even though those things were crucial, first thirty days, they're just as crucial the day after five, six years, you know. You you celebrate your five years here shortly. Right? In a few months? Yeah. August six. Yep. So that's a special time getting married, like big year, big year, big year, but you'd be hard pressed to find someone that deserves that deserves it more than than Kevin has. Like I said, I I get the benefit of knowing all these people through the years and and get to grow with them and see and just really special people. And I know that just the way the program operates a safe environment that it is today, you know, Kevin has contributed to that. He's kind of been the staple. Things have changed, but Kevin's always been there with us.
Speaker 1Before we wrap up, Kevin, I wanted to give you an opportunity. You have the rare perspective of seeing Chris come into the program, and I'm curious if there's anything you'd like to share about Chris' journey,
Speaker 3it was truly a blessing for Chris to come in. When he did, even though it was his hardship, it was just the situation that he was in, just really put in a perspective of how important doing all the little things and all. Just seen him the way he came back in. I mean, his eyes were blood shot from over dosing. Like, that was at least days, maybe a week. You had struggles with working his job, which was a, you know, third shift job. Hopefully, you know what I mean?
Speaker 2No. Sure.
Speaker 3No. It just the dedication that he had to stay sober in that moment, it just it really show me what I need to do when things get tough and on. And that was his first few days in recovery. Or that time. But home Yeah. Just the growth. I mean, at one point, he was lead downstairs. Well, he was lead upstairs, and it just he's been a staple there along a lot of my recovery and and then being my boss. Eventually, he had to help me hold me accountable and some of the biggest changes in growth that I've had is from him. Holding me accountable and I don't know. It's been it's just amazing. I wanna change anything with the way that everything happened and
Speaker 1Yeah. You all you all's relationship has seen a lot of a lot of different chapters and a lot of different areas for sure.
Speaker 2Well, I'll tell you this. Since he brought it up. So I I won't tell you. So in the last almost it's going on six years of my sobriety, the hardest moment that I had during that time. I'd been here, like Kevin said, it was a third shift job department. He didn't tell you this is that. I've been here maybe about a week, and I was trying to make it work with the third shift job, but there was a knot that I wanted to use so bad that I was at the point of calling someone to bring me something and I called Kevin at, like, I don't I don't know, twelve one o'clock in the morning and and said that if if somebody doesn't come get me, I'm probably not gonna make it till then I and Kevin drove up there. And got me that and pick me up. And that was the difference between Yeah. I'd never done that before. Like, got to the point where you know, everybody always said or call me for, you know, call, you know, I never made it. I'd already made it my mind before that point, but it was actually a time that I was Right? I didn't want to. I didn't know how I could. You know, that's all I'd known for a long time. And that's the one time in my life that I was, I I did something different. I called and, Kevin, if he wouldn't come got me that night, I wouldn't be here today because I wouldn't have made it to the rest of it. I don't know if I ever told you that story,
Speaker 3but I
Speaker 1don't think I know that story, but I think that's part of the beautiful part about the humility of recoveries. He doesn't hold that over your head.
Speaker 2Mhmm. No. It just He's like,
Speaker 1how are you calling you again?
The Power of Sharing Stories
Speaker 2Yeah. Let's let's this addiction is deadly. Nobody makes it out of an act of addiction alive, you know, like, you know, just using recovery's the only way out. And, like, most time, you're just trying to get through another day. So it takes what it takes. Yeah. You know? You know, I'm glad he was there that I that was a big deal for me to call someone there. I'm just pride you know, but no questions asked. No, like you said, never has brought it up again to be honest. I'm the one that brings it up. He doesn't.
Speaker 1Yeah. Well, he did not include that part. You're the one that brought that up. Yeah.
Speaker 2I totally For sure the most humble guides you'll know. I You know, I've got to tell you all the great things he's done he has. It's it's it's it's nothing short of a miracle.
Speaker 1Yeah. Well, if you if you learned anything today, if you need help call Kevin. Right. Do you want us to give out your phone number so they can call it?
Speaker 3Nope. No.
Speaker 1No. Very enough. Very enough. Alright. Well, Kevin, thanks for joining us today. We know that addiction is not going to get better from tougher laws or tougher rules, but we know it's gonna get better when people are sharing stories and being a part of one another story. So know your story matters. It's impactful. And to our listeners, thanks for joining us today.