Unpolished Recovery
Unpolished Recovery fearlessly dives into the raw and unfiltered tales of triumph over addiction and alcoholism. We believe that true healing begins when we embrace our stories' messy, imperfect aspects. Whether you're someone seeking inspiration on your path to recovery, a friend or family member supporting a loved one, or simply a curious listener, this podcast offers eye-opening and uplifting insights.
Unpolished Recovery
A Five-Year Journey with Chris
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Join us in an amusing conversation with Chris as he marks his fifth year of sobriety - a hard-fought journey with peaks, troughs, and countless lessons. From the emotional tempest of his first year in recovery to the eventual acceptance of his addiction, Chris's story is one of resilience and fortitude. As we journey deeper into Chris's past, hear his compelling transition from a life shackled by drug dependency to a life in recovery.
Tune in to this episode for an authentic look at the realities of recovery, a celebration of victories, and an acknowledgment of the struggles along the way.
Celebrating Five Years of Sobriety
Speaker 1Welcome back to Unpolished Recovery . My name is Trey . Today's episode is going to be a little bit different . It's a little less planned because today we are celebrating five years of sobriety with Chris , so we are going to . This one is a little less planned , might be a little more fun , just because Chris does not know what questions I am going to ask him today . So let's start . Also , for those of you who are , this might be your first episode you are listening to . It's important for you to know that you can go back and listen to Chris's entire story on the episode entitled if you have a heartbeat , there's hope . Is that what it was ? Yup , that's it . Okay , alright . So my first question is a simple one how did you make it to five years ?
Speaker 2Simple . The question itself may be simple , but the answer is not . I was just telling someone earlier that my first year of sobriety was such a roller coaster . I don't miss it . And then when I see participants just getting started on their recovery , my heart goes out to them . But I'll tell you this we don't have time for the full answer but it was people that were willing to give back . Like I'm here on my fifth year , the actual date is October 25th . That is my sobriety birthday . So on that day I sent a group text out to everybody that you know is in my recovery support network , thanking them because I've had so many people along the way that have helped me in more ways than I can describe , but they're the reason why I'm still cleaning so over . It's people that's been able to find some success in recovery and have had that obligation to pay it forward . That is the primary reason I'm still here is because people gave back .
Speaker 1Alright . So I like to play games , so we're going to play . I'm calling it a game . I don't know if it's really a game or not , but here's what we're going to do . I would like for you to come up with a title for each chapter of your recovery story , starting with year one , year two , year three and on .
Speaker 2Year one would be just hang on .
Speaker 1Just hang on .
Speaker 2Yeah , because the first year , like I said , it was up and down . You know we were joking earlier about . You know , one of the best things about recovery is that you get to feel again , you get your emotions back . But one of the worst things about recovery is that you get to feel , you get your again , you get your emotions back , and that's that . First year was an emotional roller coaster .
Speaker 2One day I get up , I'm feeling good about being clean and sober , I think the possibilities are endless . Just nothing can bring me down . And then I go to bed and wake up the next day and it's a completely different , you know , feeling . I'm negative , I'm complaining about everything , you know . Just I've got something negative to say about everything and that's what it was like . That's why I would tile it . Just hang on , because that's where that program statement , letting what I know rather than what I feel , dictate what I do I had to say that multiple times . You know a day just to get through the day . So , and I'm telling you , if I wouldn't have got to hear those stories of other people at the meetings when they had their sobriety birthdays , or hear someone else share or the alumni from the program at that time talk about their experience . That's what got me through that . I truly believe I got through the first year sobriety by the skin of my teeth . You know I got a year . You know I didn't think .
Speaker 1I was going to .
Speaker 2And you know , but it was just at times I believed I had the fight tooth and nail for it . But you know , and then you know the second year was I made it here now what ? The first year is pretty exciting . You know , you're getting license back , you're getting cars , you're . You know you're getting promotions at work . It's really exciting . Yeah , I mean when you've I'm going to tell you this that for 20 years I was not a responsible adult by any means , not even close . So when I tell you that it wasn't hard to have some milestones because I literally started from ground up , you know , getting a bank account , I literally started from scratch . So so I went through all those milestones of first year , everything's exciting . And then I get to the second year and it's like now what ? Yeah , you know how do I continue to be a responsible adult ? You know how do I continue to motivate myself to continue to become the best version of myself I could be ? It's kind of like second level recovery stuff . Yeah , I'm cleaning sober . So what do I ?
Speaker 1do now ? Yeah , did the one day at a time factor change when you get into year two , uh you know it depends on the day .
Speaker 2You know that's . You know I had a lot of days like feeling sorry for myself that I put in all this work and I'm still having difficulty . Child support is still expecting me to make my payments . Did they not hear I was cleaning sober for a year ? You know you're supposed to take it easy on me . You know that . What do you mean ? I got to pay my my vehicle insurance every month . Do you want to see my key tag for one year ? You know it's just like welcome back to society . This is what everybody majority of people are doing living responsible adult lives every day . But I do think it changes , though , like I said , the first year , I'm barely hanging on just about any day . And then you know after a year yeah , you know . Then you start wondering okay , what ?
Speaker 2is all this for , yeah , what a . You know how do I continue this ? But I'll tell you this that I get sponsored , which was vital to me getting to the five year mark . But they helped walk me through that because they had went through it and that's why I learned about okay , you got a year clean , but that don't change anything . You continue to work the steps . So that's when I took on a sponsor , or that's when I , or a sponsor , or that's when I started doing service work . That's what changed the game for me , and it took a little while because I was like now what , now what ? But the service work , that that 10th through 12th step , you know those maintenance steps , that's what changed things for the year or two , like that's what . Okay , well , my purpose is is that I've had some clean time , I've been able to get a foundation . Now I've got to help other people do it .
Speaker 1All right and year three , chapter three .
Speaker 2It was probably I would go . How far can I take this ? Well , that's when I hit two years clean and sober . That's when I decided that , hey , you know I want to . I want to work in recovery . You know most .
Speaker 2Most clinical positions and any kind of senior leadership position in recovery , from my experience , requires 24 months clean and sober . So , and you know I'd had in the past , you know I'd say clean for a little while . Now I make all these big plans and of course , I didn't stay clean , sober , long enough for that to carry through with them . But year three is when I started thinking about being a late act , you know , being a CPRS . I want to make this my how I make my living . I want to learn more about the clinical side . Yeah , I know what it's like to be an addict . I know about 12 step recovery . However , I know what it was for me . That doesn't necessarily mean someone else's path is the same , or or their experience is the same . So I wanted to get some training to where that I at least had some tools where regards to where a person was at . Maybe I could help them get on the , you know , headed in the right direction .
Speaker 2So I think the third year was that . You know how far can I take this , you know , and , and moving on , you know four and fives kind of been very similar . You know I just started the fifth year , but four was really a year that I got married , I met my you know , I started dating my wife and getting married kind of stepped out on my own first time and , like I said , at least at least 20 years that I had attempted to have that responsible adult life having a place to live , having vehicles , insurance , and could actually look back on everything I'd went through all the things that and where I was actually grateful for all the things I had gained Like it really started showing up in my life and I and I think it did try to be honest with you I think it kind of changed from just being about being an addict in recovery to being the best version of myself I could be . You know I do suffer from the disease of addiction . I , you know I work a program that keeps that in remission , but there's a lot more to me than just that .
Speaker 2You know , just staying clean and sober is not enough . I'd say that would be a good title for the fourth year . Staying clean and sober is not enough . You know I started to find out that life . You know more than that . That's just part of the picture . You know I've got to work on my communication , my relationship skills . You know like how to be the best , like I said , best version of myself I could be and give back and make a difference .
Speaker 1When you set , when you sat down a few minutes ago , I did not hit record fast enough for you to record you joking about about year one of your recovery and you were talking about a lost love and I really just want you to . I thought that was really funny , so I really want you to talk about that .
Speaker 2Well , kind of go back a little farther than that . So I never made it in all the years that I was an addict . Addiction . I'd never make it more than 1690
Overcoming Addiction and Finding Recovery
Speaker 2days , I think .
Speaker 2When we were recording my story I even said , you know , I would really be believed that things were different . I was done with going to jail . I was done with being physically dependent on drugs . I was tired of my life just being in shambles . And every time I'd start that , take that first step , whether it was a program or treatment , I really believed it was going to be different . And then so I'd get through the program , I'd go back to the real world . But real life would happen , yeah , and I had the same coping skill I had before , which the only coping skill I had back then was to medic , self medicate . So I'd go back .
Speaker 2So you know , finally I got really involved in working a recovery program , working the staff sponsor , going to meetings , and I was able to maintain some sobriety . Yeah , I think three years , it was the longest I'd ever had . So much I'd even thought that I'd finally outrun addiction . So solely I'd , you know , I stopped going to meetings . I think we went over that . And then anybody in recovery knows what happens when you stop doing the things that help maintain your sobriety . So when I relapsed , you know I was devastated , you know . And then I got barely made it back into the recovery program and it dawned on me for the first time in my life that I would never be able to use successfully . Yeah , like I finally got it , like there was no in-between .
Speaker 2For me , it didn't matter how long I stayed clean before the relapse , it didn't matter how many meetings I went to , it didn't matter how much better I thought I got myself , I couldn't use successfully . And the thought of never being able to get high again it is , that's what I relate it to is like the loo . You know , losing a lover , yeah , like a piece of me , like I was mourning that . I was mourning that I would never be able to use successfully To get that change my state of mind at will , you know , with just a pill or bottle , you know it was .
Speaker 2It was like mourning the loss of a lover , you know it . Just that's how much of a hold it had on me . But I will tell you this that's also part of what saved me , that kept me , that made this time different , where I hung in there is because I finally accepted that . You know , just like any other toxic relationship , you know , even though they are addictive , but the destruction that they make and usually what there's a saying like when , the when , the pain or remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change , yeah , that's when you're actually ready to change , and I think that's the point that I finally got into .
Speaker 1What's that saying ? Again , I'm trying to remember what we .
Speaker 2I'm pretty sure you may have to look it up later , but it's one that . But in the gist of it is when the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2And you're ready to change . So and that's always like I said . I think I misquoted it , but in a nutshell , that's what it was , that if I was going to stay the way I was , then I wanted to die .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2I wanted you know . I prayed to God . You know I need a miracle because if this is it for me , go ahead and take me out . I can't do this anymore . So I'm not going to be able to make it with anything less than a miracle , because I can't do this anymore . It's not fun anymore . Yeah .
Speaker 1You know so . So doing this , listening to people's recovery stories in this room , but also being around a recovery program for years , it tends to sound a lot like . For a while , the journey in recovery is like running from a monster , like something's chasing you . That recover that , and I'm curious at what point in time would you say that you feel like you're not really running from something anymore ? You know ?
Speaker 2I'll tell you this . So I had listened to a speaker . It was Father Martin . He was a Catholic priest that did a recovery . It's called chalk talk . He , you know , is doing on chalkboards . How old that was .
Speaker 2But he said one time that it was like getting into the ring with the heavyweight champion of the world , in the boxing ring with the boxing heavyweight champion , and you have no skills whatsoever and you step in that ring and you just get pummeled every time you fall out of the ring and then the next day you go back down there and take a beating again . Yeah , and he said that he'd come to a point to realize all he had to do to stop this was don't get in a ring . Yeah , stop fighting . And that's why it's like fighting yourself . It's like don't hit yourself , don't hit yourself .
Speaker 2And I think that was more the realization of me , that not as much as I was running for it , but I , you know I was just beating myself up . All I had to do was stop punching myself . Yeah , and you know that was kind of more for me . It was like participating in a fight that wasn't necessary , and so I guess you know it could be in that sense of running . But for me it was stop trying to fight , stop trying to figure out how to use successfully , stop trying to you know , stop thinking about termally unique , that I'm different than anyone else .
Speaker 2You know , at least as far as addiction goes . You know that nobody gets out alive and I wasn't gonna be any different than that . So you know it is . You know that first year was a lot like learning to stop hitting myself for a better phrase .
Speaker 1Obviously , you know yourself better than you than anyone else . So I'm curious , if you now could go back and guide year one , chris , what would you ? What would you be your advice or how would you ? How would you help ?
Speaker 2I had told myself to stop thinking so damn much .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2You know , you know thank God for recovery programs and sponsors and people that have some clean time and experience , that keep going to the meetings , regardless of how long they've been cleaning sober . Because you're trying to , you're literally trying to change complete directions . You know , if you've been using for any length of time , it's not just the actual physical part of taking the drug or the drink right , it's the whole lifestyle that comes with it . It does something to us that it doesn't do just to everyone . It crosses some wires . So when all of a sudden you go to treatment or you get released from jail or prison , like it's just not one of those things that you flip the switch , it's trying to learn to live without that stuff and and you know , always trying to outthink it .
Speaker 2Now , even though I was staying clean , sober , I was going to meetings , some of those old behaviors were still raging , just constantly thinking , being impatient , trying to force it . You know , one of the things is , you know , as simple as it sounds , but I learned that you couldn't get a year clean without getting one day clean , two days clean , 30 days . And the most important thing is the lessons that come at those points in your sobriety , their vital . And you know , that would be one thing I'd tell myself Stop thinking so much , just trust the process . The same stuff I'm telling people today that I fought against then .
Speaker 1Yeah , which I mean you were sharing with me earlier today that the unique thing about restoration houses that you don't really have to do a lot of that , that the boundaries are set up , the rules are set up , so that really all you have to do is just follow the path that's been already paid for people .
Speaker 2Absolutely . I think it's a reprieve . You know we just when we're in active addiction . You know we run ourselves to death trying to plan everything . So we feel like we're in control , even though our plans never work out .
Speaker 2You know you can come to a program like restoration house and there are other good ones in the area but and there's a structure in the program that all you have to do is follow . That Well , we take you to the meeting . You're required to get a sponsor . There's no choice in that regard , like , if you want to be here , you have to do those things . Now , what you get out of them is what you put in them . I tell everybody that If you're just checking the boxes , then that's what you'll get out of it . But if you're really investing time and energy in it , then of course the return will be greater . But you know we're going to make sure the environment's safe for you .
Speaker 2And I'll tell you this that I didn't realize that when I first started this . It took me , you know , a couple years down the road and then , when I went on my own as far as having my own place and having responsibilities , that I look back on my time in the program very fondly , because all I had to do they made it where all I had to do is get better and they were going to help me at that . You know I didn't have to all the time figure out who's safe , who's unsafe , you know , worried about who I'm having around me . Like the program would do that . They monitored it , people on duty 24 to 7 . Like they did that part . All I had to do was show up and do the work .
Speaker 2And you know and I still this day I look back fondly that was the time of my life that my number one goal was just to get better and I've tried to carry that through my life , even though it's . You know I'm working . You know I have a family I'm . You know I run the men and women's program for Pasadena . You know , I still remember that part Just always make sure that I'm taking care of myself .
Speaker 1Yeah , this is the only question that I ran by you , so I wanted to make sure you're okay with talking about it . So a couple of months ago you moved into a new apartment , got a knee injury and so I really just wanted you to talk about I asked you . The question I asked you was how do you think it would have been different if you would have had this injury in year one or two ? And I'm curious if you'd be willing to share and talk about that a little bit .
Speaker 2Yeah , absolutely I
Recovery and Self-Care After Addiction
Speaker 2. Just in general , recovery was the process of getting to know myself . I have a lot of stuff that happened along in my addiction I'm not proud of , but it happened . So I'm pretty open book . I think it's important . I'm comfortable enough in myself now that I'll tell you the good and the bad , because they both come with me . I just don't get a B one thing . So I always said I know this that if I had the bed on it , like if it's happening in the first year , I would not have been able to stay clean and sober . I'd like to think , you know , year two I could have , but I still have my doubts Because you know , at that point I'm just trying not to use . The whole first year of my recovery was relapse prevention , you know , trying not to continue to make the same mistakes over and over again .
Speaker 1But and you've talked about , like the pain your knees been in .
Speaker 2So I was . You know I was moving , got hurt , had some weight . I ended up having complex tears in my knee , along with a tour ACL .
Speaker 1On a previously injured knee right .
Speaker 2I'd had it replaced 20 years . The funny thing is , since you mentioned it , so 20 years ago , I had an ACL replacement surgery . That was the beginning of my active addiction . That's the first time I got introduced to narcotic pain medication . Now , of course , it wasn't the doctors faulted me for describing , but that's where I got that .
Speaker 1That's where it began , yeah , yeah , that I'm like .
Speaker 2I took some painkillers and I was like , oh man , I found it . You know , I found what's missing in my life . So it's kind of funny that that's where I believe that was my introduction , that's where it started , and then I went from there and abused it . You know , fast forward 20 years . So now I've got another tour , acl and the other damage , and I'm 46 now , not 26 .
Speaker 2My body doesn't handle it as well as it used to , you know . So I've been in a lot of pain and the first thing just being aware of self-care , you know , I get my doctor's appointment and I go and the first thing on my mouth in there is , hey , I'm recovering addict . My drug of choice is opiates . Before I can start turning it over my head just to find it that , hey , I need it . I've got serious damage . You know , that's the first thing . So at least it's out there . So the doctors are aware I never would have done that before . I would have turned this situation into a way to justify taking , you know , narcotics . And from my experience I knew that , you know . And so , and then of course I told my support network , my sponsor , hey , I mean , you know , and I looked at it , I thought about it , like it's amazing , when you're not doing drugs 10 , 15 times a day , what Ibuprofen and Tylenol do for you .
Speaker 2You know like oh my gosh , these things really work . In the past , you know , I would always oh , that wouldn't . I didn't even bother with that . You know , if it wasn't Perkzet or Lortab , I didn't want it . But now that I've been cleansed over , this stuff actually does work for mild pain and you know I've been able to manage it and I just got a relief because I'm so open about it , I didn't feel embarrassed when , I told my doctor , my physical therapist hey , you know , I've struggled with opioid addiction for a long time and I have to be very cautious with it .
Speaker 2When we get to the point of surgery , you know I have to have a plan in place , I have to have other people involved and I have to be on you know a timeframe unless there's complications . But , and that you know that I trust you to do what's best , you know , with that knowledge . So and then , like I said , all my friends know the care and just being able to realize , hey , this could be dangerous for me . You know it's took me a long time , you know , to get to that , but for some people they can't figure out how to allocate . But this is the first major injury that I've had since I got clean and sober . I haven't had , I've been blessed , I've been very healthy . Besides , you know the normal stuff that comes with hitting forwardies . You know the tire on your waist and stuff like that . I've been fairly healthy so , but I've got a lot of people on my that's the other thing . That's different that I've built a support network in five years that I'd never had in my life before .
Speaker 2These are all people that are very aware of what recovery is . My past , you know , and they're right there . You know they don't care if they make me mad .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2If they see a behavior coming out that is , you know , in line with my addictive behavior , oh , they'll tell me in a heartbeat . I can get mad all I want , but they love me enough that they're not willing to stand by and let me do anything to hurt myself . It took me a long time to get to that point where I trust people that much .
Speaker 1Well , I'm a and I don't know if you are , but I'm a spiral thinker where , like , just one thought leads to another . I'm just way off point and I'm imagining that if I was in that scenario , like voicing that to the doctor , would have been a , would have been a moment of relief that , like any of the worry that I were projected on the situation .
Speaker 2Oh , absolutely , it was I kind of before . It's funny you mentioned that , because before there I'd kind of been building it up .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2You know , on my way , the doctor like man , I gotta tell you this , yeah , but it doesn't matter , I got you know . So I'm like this is bouncing around in my head . And then , when I actually did tell him around , I probably , if you could have been a fly on the wall and watched , it probably been comical .
Speaker 2But you know , just blurting it out , Because , I'd been holding it for the whole drive , you know , and then you are right . Once I did it , it was just like now I don't have to figure out how to make this work . You know like somebody else is gonna help me , you know so .
Speaker 1And I imagine your doctor was like all right cool .
Speaker 2Oh yeah , it was a big deal . They deal with it all the time . They don't want to do anything that would hurt me , but they're professionals , they've dealt with it . They know exactly what to do as soon as I told them that they have a plan in place . So anti-inflammatories , going ahead and jumping ahead on physical therapy to try to make my recovery . So I mean , I never put this much planning and self-care like , hey , this is what I've got to do . So that's the recovery from five years of the things I've learned , and just the fact that I don't have to figure it out by myself .
Speaker 1Yeah that , admitting that . Oh well , I'll just come up with a plan , I'll figure this out all by myself . Yeah , and it's certainly been your detriment .
Speaker 2Well , it's huge , because I did that my whole life .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2You know , if I couldn't get it figured out somehow , that made me less of a man and that was just one of the biggest lies I carried through with me in life that I happened to pull myself up by my bootstraps and just get it done at all costs on my own . I didn't need anybody . That was just such a crock of bull that almost killed me Definitely played a part in it . But now I've got people that actually well funny thing about recovery like , in order for me to make it another day , I've got to help someone else . That , to me , is the most honest way of helping people . I have no strings attached . I got to make it clean and sober in there they're going to help you with this yeah .
Speaker 2You turn around and do the same for somebody else .
Speaker 1Yeah , all right . Well , you got anything else to add ?
Speaker 2A funny story maybe Our co-director , pastor Bill Hart . He's an attorney and on my way down here to your office to set up he was telling about there's some new laws about getting criminal recordage sponged . And I've come a long way . I mentioned before you I'm a 23-time drug felon . I had one time had a 14-year sentence and I ended up making parole on it . Come to Restoration House finished my parole and the first time in my life the last few years , I've never had any kind of legal supervision . And so he just looking out for me . So he thought about me the other day he said told me about the new laws for expungement and he said I said well , with the felonies I'm a success story . I said you take them away , I'm just a average guy working a nine to five . We were joking . When you're in an active addiction that's just dominating your life , being an average person is pretty attractive . But it did get me thinking about other things , about would I be the man I am today if I wouldn't have went through all ?
Speaker 2And it would be bad too , Like we were talking about . I've done good and bad . I made a lot of bad decisions because of trying to support my addiction and I just got thinking would I be the man I am today ? And the answers are resounding , though I would not be . So it makes you wonder .
Celebrating Five Years of Sobriety
Speaker 2Nobody grows up , or as a child says I want to be a junkie , I want to be a drunk . Nobody says that .
Speaker 1Well , most kids probably don't say I want to be a directing and recovery program either .
Speaker 2I did and it wasn't them .
Speaker 2But experiences , life experiences kind of direct our path and I can honestly tell you it just when I was thinking I wouldn't change anything , anything , not the past .
Speaker 2I like who I am today and I'm still a work in progress . I wish five years that you had it figured out . But I tell you what , at five years you have you know enough to know that you're not cured and you've got to keep working this , that you've got to keep staying involved , going to meetings , having a home group , having a sponsor , working those steps continually , helping other people do it . That's what I've learned is I don't get to take a day off from being an addict . I've got to put the work in and I'm so grateful that I did this is being able to say that I've been cleaning suburb for five years is just a testament to all the people that's given back through the years . Even sometimes when I go to a meeting and I hear someone that's in early recovery and all the things that come with that , it's a reminder that I was there and I'm one decision away from being back there . So I'm just grateful for everyone's help and I've definitely had an eventful lie .
Speaker 1Yeah Well , to our listeners , thank you for joining us on an unscripted episode where we get to celebrate and reflect on Chris's five years of sobriety . We believe here that every story is important , and talking through this journey with Chris has certainly been an opportunity for listeners to maybe identify with ways that they're walking through their recovery journey . I would say All right , thanks for joining us today .