Unpolished Recovery
Unpolished Recovery fearlessly dives into the raw and unfiltered tales of triumph over addiction and alcoholism. We believe that true healing begins when we embrace our stories' messy, imperfect aspects. Whether you're someone seeking inspiration on your path to recovery, a friend or family member supporting a loved one, or simply a curious listener, this podcast offers eye-opening and uplifting insights.
Unpolished Recovery
Emily's Inspiring Road to Sobriety
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Emily shares the journey of balancing a demanding career as an EMT while navigating recovery is no small feat, and in this episode, Emily opens up about setting boundaries and the importance of self-care. We explore how she educates her community about addiction, breaks down stigmas, and becomes a beacon of hope and knowledge for those around her.
Emily's narrative highlights the necessity of support from employers and loved ones, the significance of personal time, and the ultimate recognition of addiction as a disease needing compassion and understanding. Tune in for an inspiring conversation filled with practical insights on achieving a balanced, fulfilling life amid the recovery journey.
Welcome back to Unpolished Recovery. My name is Trey. Most stories of recovery start with how bad addiction was, how they entered recovery and how great life is now. That's a polished story.
Speaker 2My name's Chris. I'm your co-host of Unpolished Recovery. Thanks for checking out our episode. We've got a special guest today. Her name is Emily. She's soon to graduate our recovery support program.
Speaker 3How long have you been here now? About five months, five months.
Speaker 2Does it seem shorter or longer? Seems shorter, does it? Yeah, I know that you came to us from treatment, correct? Do you just want to jump in to what had happened to lead you to treatment and then look for sober living? What did happen to lead you to treatment and then look for sober living?
Speaker 3Yeah. So I had been in treatment one time before and that was because my family was on my back, I had overdosed and was in the hospital and they were like you need to go to treatment. So I went. But because I didn't want to go, it didn't last very long this time. I started using a new drug and that made me hit a rock bottom. I never thought I'd hit before. So I sought out treatment myself and enough was enough. So I went to Buffalo Valley and then I had learned the last time I was in recovery that 30 days was not going to be enough for me. I needed structure, and my counselor at Buffalo Valley had picked out a few places for me and I filled out applications for both. But Restoration House seemed like the best place for me. I was a little nervous with all the rules and how strict it was going to be, but I knew deep down that that's what I needed, because I knew if I didn't have it I would just go right back out.
Speaker 2Yeah, our application is very clear on the structure and we like it that way because we want people to know that. You know the expectations and I'm just like you. Coming out of incarceration, treatment and most that's what we need. But whether or not it's what we want is a different thing. So so you learned the lesson quick. You went to treatment, where a lot of us make that mistake. Well, I've done 28 days, I'm good, I'm better, and then, uh, you know, end up having to go a second time.
Speaker 2So if you had any kind of legal issues or anything by the grace of God, no you think that was in the near future, if you wouldn't have gotten help 100% when you said new drugs. So what is your drug of choice?
Speaker 3Cocaine.
Speaker 2And then before that, you'd mentioned overdose, so you had probably dealt with other stuff.
Speaker 3Yeah, my drug of choice for five years was opiates any sort of pain pills I can get my hands on.
Speaker 2So how long do you say you were in active addiction for?
Speaker 3Probably about maybe a total of eight or nine years, whether it was drinking, using pills, using cocaine, I mean altogether it was about eight or nine years.
Speaker 2So do you remember the first time you either first time you used her, like that moment when you knew you were stepping over the line from, say, social using or into addiction? Do you remember when that was?
Speaker 3Yeah, so I was in Arizona visiting my grandfather. I had a surgery Well, not surgery, but I was supposed to have surgery. I went to the emergency room for abdominal pain and they found an ovarian cyst and they prescribed me I think it was 90 Percocets for it and I took two like they'd been giving me in the ER, and I was at home and I was like this I like the way this feels and from then it was it was game over.
Speaker 2Sometimes I think in just some morbidid humors, like there was a time when I got there induced to opiates that I was like, oh man, I have found it, it's a miracle. Why is not everybody in the world taking these things? And then now I look back and I'm like, oh, that's the first time I put my foot in hell. You know it's just such a just opposites. You know it depends on where you're at what that moment was like and so that that set off the eight, nine years of addiction. Now can you tell us a little bit like about yourself? Like I know that you're married and I know that you're a mother. Do you want to kind of just give us some basic info on that?
Speaker 3yeah, so, um, I've been married um since 2020. Um, but before that, my husband and I dated for two years. Um, so all together, we've been together for six um, and then I got pregnant with my daughter. Um, I call her my miracle baby because I was told by four doctors I couldn't get pregnant. Um, and we were doing fertility treatments and nothing worked. And then, the minute that I stopped all the treatments, I got pregnant. Um. So, yeah, um, she's one and a half. Her name's Alison. Um, she's a little ball of fire. Um, got my hands full with her. But, yeah, so, I mean and I've, you know, been, I have a. I've had a problem with not being able to be single, um, so for the last 10 years of my life, I've been in a relationship yeah, so this is.
Speaker 2I've always said, recovery for me was the process of getting to know me. Uh, have you found that to be true when you've been working the steps and things?
Speaker 3Yeah, absolutely it's. I noticed that I'm not and I'm not who anybody thought I was really and that's because, you know, my husband has known me for the entire, basically the entire time I've been with him. I've been in active addiction. So I'm trying to get to know who I am again and also we're trying to see if that will work. You know, like you know, if we can live together with who I am today, um, but yeah. So getting to know who I am and really trying to find hobbies, because my hobby for the longest time was getting high, so I haven't really done anything fun um with that, but yeah with that, but yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah, I'm curious. I want to back you up a minute when you were talking about so the original the introduction was was based on a need like that. You were in pain. I'm curious how you excused your, your continual use. Would you tell yourself at least?
Speaker 3Oh, I mean, I would just tell, I mean, like for the when I used, for five, when I was on pain pills, for the five or six years that I was, I did not think I had a problem because I went to work every day. Um, I had a really great job with a great fire department, Um, I had a nice house, a nice car, Um, I had everything that I. So I didn't think I had a problem because I was doing everything that I thought I was supposed to do. Um, so at the time I was just like this isn't this whatever. But like everybody gets intoxicated in some form or fashion, especially in EMS and you know the fire service, like everybody gets intoxicated in some form or fashion. So I thought it was normal Um, and then, you know, I overdosed, still didn't think I had a problem, but yeah, so, like when did you identify that was a problem?
Speaker 1was it, was it treatment? Was it a loss of job? What? What led you to that? And if you already said, I'm sorry if I missed it- no, you're fine.
Speaker 3Um, I don't think I have said it. Um, it was when I started using cocaine. I was, um, actually smoking crack cocaine, so it was. I became homeless within a month. I missed my daughter's first words, her first steps, lost my job with that fire department. You know, I did things that I never thought I would do to get my fix. And when I, the night that I reached out for help and went to treatment, I was stuck on the side of the road, out of gas, didn't have a penny to my name, no drugs, nothing. And even my own husband wouldn't come put $5 of gas in my car so I could sleep, you know, in a warm car that night. And that's when I knew that I had a problem.
Speaker 2I think with prescription in my case, like I think it was easier to justify when it was opiates because I was getting them from a doctor, so it's easier for me to manipulate that my mind that I'm getting them, I need them, like I've got legitimate issues now. I overlooked the fact that it took a month's supply in three days and I still even doing that, I somehow convinced myself that it was normal, it was okay. Even past overdose I took too much. It's like when you moved over into another drug it was easier to see that you had a problem.
Speaker 3Yes, I think so, just because I had lost everything and I was like this. But to me when I was using that drug it was normal, because everybody I surrounded myself with also like didn't have a job and was like kind of homeless, like couch hopping and stuff. So it was normal. But then I went to treatment and I kind of looked back and I was like that's not okay, that's not who.
Speaker 2I am. Well, I, you know, I like, I say all the time it got the best job in the world. I get to see people transform, you know, into who they're, who God created them to be. Uh, and it's even now, like, even though I know addiction from my personal life and and just working in it, like, seeing you in that state it's just hard to fathom because, you know, I, I see your work ethic, like you're at work, you know, uh, you're always, you know, taking care of things. So it's, but that's, that's, that's drugs like, uh, dr jekyll, mr Hyde, we say, like it turns us into someone that we're not, but who we don't want to be. But we can't stop, exactly, you know, can't live with drugs and can't live without them. You know, and it does. The only way I've ever been able to find any kind of peace or success is through recovery. Was this the time you've been here? Is that the first time you've ever like thoroughly worked the steps?
Speaker 3yeah, when the last time I was in recovery I thought the steps were a joke. I was like I don't, I would get a sponsor and then fall off the face of the earth like a day later. So I just did not. I, when I went to meetings, I would stay on my phone, wouldn't listen to the shares, wouldn't do anything and I, you know, just doing it to get me by. But the minute I got out of my ILP program I stopped going to meetings. So yeah, I've never worked the steps before.
Speaker 2And what do you think you've gained from that this time?
Speaker 3Mainly, the biggest thing for me is a relationship with my higher power. I was really against the fact of having a higher power for the longest time. The idea of it was just not something that I was interested in, but just having a relationship with my higher power has been the best.
Speaker 2I think it's awesome that when we realize that we don't have to do it on our own you know it's a key part of it and I know your sponsor and I know what kind of relationship you've built there has that been a key part of being able to to change and to get things the way you want them?
Speaker 3Yeah, um, just really my sponsor has been so helpful with everything. Um, I mean, even if it's just, you know, talking about nothing, really just having a conversation about just nothing, it's been really helpful. But whenever need her, she's just I can text her and say you know, emergency, please call me, and she will call me immediately you know, that's the thing.
Navigating Recovery and Work Balance
Speaker 2Like I have some sponsors, like we do that there's no angle. We do it because we have to to stay clean another day, and it keeps. I've had those moments in the past where, like everything's going good, so I'm not as sick as I used to be, so I start laying off, you know, but when you sponsor people, it keeps you in recovery, so it's just one of the best things. Now, now you did get back into your field, that's what you do now you work for. Can you tell us a little bit about it?
Speaker 3Yeah, I work for a private service, private ambulance service, and basically we just take patients that cannot go in a car or wheelchair van to dialysis, to doctor's appointments, hospital discharges, to nursing homes and stuff like that transfers to different hospitals. So I've been working there since January and I really am grateful for the opportunity to get back on the ambulance, because I never thought I'd be able to, but I've been an EMT for 10 years so it was just foreign to me not doing something like that.
Speaker 2that that's your trade, that's your profession. Right, when you kept so in treatment, then coming here like when you, when you got to restoration house, what were some of the goals you came?
Speaker 3in Mainly just to stay clean and to get a relationship back, because when I left to go use, when I relapsed, she was still a baby. So I was, you know, had this biggest fear that she wouldn't know who I was. So that was my main goal and I, you know, facetimed her every day and my husband had done a really good job of showing her pictures and being like this is your mom, you know, and stuff like that. And then also just kind of getting my life back Really. I mean just you know slow steps, you know getting a job working, the steps you know, stuff like that. Just getting my life back was one of my main goals too.
Speaker 2What's?
Speaker 3is there something that stands out that was the most difficult part of your recovery, or difficult time, or I think the most difficult thing was me admitting that I was powerless and that I would need help, because I thought that I could do it all on my own because I'm a very prideful person. I'm still working on humility, but I'm a very prideful person, so having to ask for help and saying no Also setting boundaries too was a huge thing for me. Like no, I can't do that. Like no, I can't work past this time. No, I can't come in early. That's been. Probably the hardest thing for me was asking for help and setting boundaries have you ever been like a workaholic?
Speaker 2or oh yeah, just from some. Like I said, you've got a great work ethic. Anybody knows you, knows you do, and uh uh, you know I I've struggled with that in the past to not have a balance between work and personal or put my recovery on on hold because I thought that's what a healthy person does is work. Well, they do. They work. You know an average amount of time they don't work 70 hours a week. You know it's not. It's not healthy, especially when you've got a um, you know you got to have time to take care. You've got family things like that. That's I guess that's my goal today in recovery is have a balanced life. Do you feel like that you're starting to achieve some of that balance in your life?
Speaker 3yeah, I am especially. It really helped that I got a. I was able to get a car so that I'm able to go home to Shelbyville and see my husband and my daughter. But it is like a balance, whereas now I tell because normally I work, you know, six days a week or you know something like that. So I'll tell my boss like, hey, I'm taking this day off because I need to go see my family, or I just want a break.
Speaker 3So, yeah, it's really hard finding that balance. And then, but my boss is so understanding, I've known him for a really long time, so he you know, and he knows my family, so he's a big family man, so I'm able to, you know, kind of set that boundary Like, no, I'm not working Sundays ever, um, and then I need one day off a week to go see my family that's great.
Speaker 2I'm glad they understand that because, so you know, working a program with a sponsor, I guess that you've learned a lot about self-care and the value uh that's that comes with. Uh, do you believe that's something that you do focus on today, like taking care of yourself and doing something just for you? Do you find those moments when you just, hey, this is just for me, this is not about marriage, parenthood, I've just got to take care of Emily.
Speaker 3Yeah, I do that a lot, especially, you know, on Sundays. It's kind of my day. Sometimes I'll go home and see my family, but other times I'm just like I'm just going to sit on the couch and watch Netflix all day, because this is what I need for myself, um, and I will tell, like you know, my husband that please just go away for a little while. I love you, but please just go away, um. And he understands and he knows that I need that mindless time because you know he's raising a toddler by himself, so he also needs that time. So he gets it great right sounds.
Speaker 2Like you know y'all are kind of working out a schedule. I, you know it's hard, like you know conveying to listeners about just just how miraculous the change was and and I remember you know, when you come in it was kind of give or take. You know it was kind of one foot in, one foot out. I believe and correct me if I'm wrong you know you needed it, but they were still fighting that to do it your own way. And I've seen like you just learn those. I think you've done great, learning a lot of lessons early on.
Speaker 2That, like myself, I struggled with for years. Even though I had plenty of evidence that said, hey, your way don't work, I still thought I could change it, tweak it. I would go first 30 days I'd be gung-ho and then I'd want to be what I call Chris sober. I, I can change this and this and it, because not everybody else is like me. You know, like they don't have my needs or my experiences and and it always ended the same way. But I've just seen you through the months and you know five months isn't a long time. But when you're starting from scratch, like at the bottom, you know, like you, you don't even have a job. You. You don't have any money in the bank. All you guys desire to stay clean. It is, it's huge five months to be functioning I'm curious, what?
Speaker 1so you're on the cusp of that like required six months, um, what, what? What do you have planned after that? What are your, what are your thoughts for for the foreseeable future?
Speaker 3I'm gonna stay here as an alumni um for a while. Um, my husband and I still have a lot we need to work on before um, we both of us feel comfortable living together again. Um, so I'm to be here for a while, hopefully, start working a little bit of 911 ambulance in between, just to kind of that's where my passion is. I mean I like you know, I mean I love helping people, but I'm more. I'm an adrenaline junkie, so I really like the 911 side of it.
Speaker 2I bet you get plenty of that yeah for sure 911.
Speaker 1Well, I'm also curious, though, that like, uh, right now you're in a more comfortable work environment of, like you know exactly what to expect every day, and I'm curious like how you anticipate that will affect or impact your, your journey and recovery. That like, if you go back to not when you go back to 911, you're going to see overdoses and things like that.
Speaker 3Yeah, um, so obviously this is something you've already thought about. Yeah, so my um, my husband and I my husband's also a paramedic, um, so we've talked about it, um, and he's told me about you know calls that he's gone on and you know he was like, well, how do you think you would have handled this? Or how would you think you know and I have time to think about it I really just, especially going on overdoses and stuff I you know want to be able to, if they're willing to hear it, tell them that I was where you are at and here I am today. It is possible. If you want help, I can give you some resources to get help. But I'm also going to kind of dip my you know toe in a little bit and not go overboard with it at first, just to kind of see if it's something I can handle this early in my recovery.
Speaker 2I think it's different from every. You know, for each person. Like you know, when I was in early recovery early recovery, you know, and being in a sober living, there's a lot of you know I wish everybody quit yeah, never used again. But that's not a reality. We do have relapses, you know. Uh, that's why we work so hard to keep the environment safe. We have, you know, we have, monitors that are on it. Uh, not because they want to catch somebody in trouble, but we want to catch something early. But you'll have people that relapse and you know it's difficult. You know you're in early recovery, you're doing everything right, and you come home and you have someone that has used. You know you have to have a system in place to catch that.
Speaker 2But you know, getting to my point is that as I went on like it actually wasn't a trigger for me, it was a motivation, especially overdose. You know I like man, I see me there. It scared me. You know I go right back to my last overdose. Or you know, seeing somebody, I'm like man, I'm glad I got help. You know so, each person. You know, seeing somebody, I'm like man, I'm glad I got help. You know so, each person. You know it's just getting to know yourself, but it's always been motivation for me and it may be for you. You know, and I don't know I'd say it's so fast-paced. I've never. The only experience I've had is being in the back of the ambulance. I've never been driving it or been there to help, but it's probably so fast-paced.
Speaker 2But I think you are. You're putting some good things in place the self-care, the structure, the boundaries. I think you're doing everything that you could do now and I'm glad you're staying because I tell everyone it won't hurt, it can, it won't hurt to stay. But when you have families and things like that young children uh, like you said, you know I can hear in your voice, you know your, you know your husband's having to carry a big load taking care of your child, so, but I do know, as an alumni alumni in our program you do have more freedom.
Speaker 2So and take a. I think you've thought this stuff out well, you know, and you've got a good plan. That's why I wanted you on here. Like I've seen just how far you've come and you're realistic. I guess we all struggle with pride, but you're very rational and you see things realistic, I think. So I think that's going to serve you well. You know it's a journey, it's a lifelong process. Most of us know that. But I think you're right where you need to be for today, you know for today.
Speaker 1You know so.
Speaker 1But, yeah, well, I mean, I love your, your ambition of saying that, like, when you get there, your, your hope is to be able to redirect people, you know that's.
Speaker 1I think that that that's really what we can say is as definable in our lives as our mission. You know, like we have occupations, but you're you're defining that as a mission to say like, well, yeah, I'm going to help you, but I really want to. I really want to help you, um, get back where you, where, like, this doesn't have to be your whole life, you know. And so that's more than just um, as an, as an EM, uh, emt, your responsibility is to, is to give immediate care, right, and you're saying, I don't want to just give you immediate care, I want to help you find long-lasting care, and I think that's really how you define a mission in life, and I think that's really cool that you found an area that can be your mission in life. That's right inside what you're already good at, you know. And so, like, as you're thinking about, like how you can help people in the future, I'm curious, like, what is, what's your recovery journey? Look like right now, as you're, as you're being around other people and helping other people.
Speaker 3Um so I, I kind of live in my little own world, my own little world, sorry that was incorrect. Um upstairs, um my house, my house. So I don't really I mean like.
Speaker 1I hang out with the girls, but I really just kind of stay upstairs away from all the drama.
Speaker 3That's a good idea Because I will get wrapped up in it quick. But if any and all the girls you know, they know that if they need anything, you know like just, I mean even like you need a ride to the store to get a vape, like I'll take you like it's not a big deal. You know they, they always know that they can come to me and ask for whatever they need. Um and uh. I mean, right now, a lot of my job is educating my coworkers on like yes, I am an addict, but that doesn't define who.
Speaker 3I am, um, because a lot of people like you know, when I went into the job and my boss, you know, I told my boss I have to be home at a certain time, you know, for you know different times, for different days, and stuff like that Um, they were like well, like why did you hire her? You know, like she can't work the full shift, but maybe two or three days a week. And you know, and she's, you know, an addict and you know he was letting me drive the ambulance home when I didn't have a car, and that was a lot of judgment there too. Like, well, I'm going to take all the needles off here because I know where she's going. It's like it's not so right now it's educating people that don't know a lot about addiction for me and just, you know, gently educating about that not being a bitch about it.
Speaker 1Oh, I bet there's plenty of days, you don't want to be in jail Well, especially when judgment's being passed on you.
Speaker 2Well, and I do think that's why it's so vital for addicts and alcoholics to carry the message because a lot of people don't understand is that when we're in active addiction you know, almost every day we're getting them say, hey, I'm not going to use or drink today, I'm not going to commit any crimes to support my drug habit, hey, I'm going to be present and I'm going to be a parent or a spouse. And every day we find ourself an hour later doing exactly the thing that we said we would and we fail every day. And that takes a toll. You know like you just get to that point where it's never going to change and when someone else can tell you that, hey, I know that feeling, I know what it's like. It doesn't have to be that way. It'll take some work for someone to tell you that and bet on your future, not your past. It is huge and it does take education.
Speaker 2Most of the people that I've worked with, including myself, I didn't know what I was getting into. I thought I was having a good time, you know. And then I'm self-medicating, you know I've got mental health issues that are not diagnosed and I'm treating them with. You know, recreational drugs, and then, before I know it, I'm in trouble, you know, and been an addict for six months to a year and not even know I was an addict until I didn't have anymore or when the consequences started coming. I just couldn't stop. So it is huge and I'm glad that you do that. That's what we're doing now. It's just trying to educate. You know, our, our past doesn't have to define us. It can contribute to who we are.
Speaker 2We were just talking before the podcast started. I'm grateful to be an addict because I did not know all of my issues until I got into recovery. I was messed up before I took the, the first drug. You know, it truly is just a symptom of bigger problems. But you know, I also know that we appreciate the little things because we've given them away so many times. So you know, I applaud you for trying to educate people the right way and trying to have some patience with them, because it is something it's hard to understand unless you went through it. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it is difficult. It is a disease. You know. It's the only disease I know of that tells me I don't have a disease.
Speaker 1So Well, emily, we we appreciate you taking some time today and coming on and sharing your story, sharing your journey, and we know that addiction doesn't get better from naive people. It gets better from people understanding and hearing other people's story. And so, emily, thanks for joining us and to our listeners, thanks for listening.