#89. How I Got It All Wrong at a 5-Year-Old's Birthday Party

Today, I’m exploring how years of conditioning led me to make unfair assumptions about my hosts, who were actually on their own mindful drinking journey, at a recent kids’ birthday party. This experience prompted me to question the wider assumptions we all make - about venues, other people's perceptions, and even ourselves and the habitual thoughts and behaviours that dictate our actions when navigating social drinking situations.

0:00 Party time
1:53 My assumption
5:59 Mixed drinking hosting
6:58 Habitual behaviours
8:33 Reflecting with an open mind

Also mentioned:
Zeno Sparkling Wine*
Brew Dog IPA*

Best episode to listen to next:
#21 DECEM: From Masterchef finalist to 10% Spirit Distiller
#79 Powerful Mindset Shifts That Will Transform Your Experience with Low/No Drinks – pt1

===
✏️ Come hang out with me on Substack - https://mindfuldrinking.substack.com/

===
Take the Midlife Drinking Triggers Quiz - https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/68dd33385bb4a20015996a13

===
*Some links are affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may earn a commission that helps me keep the show going. Thank you.

Transcript

Party time

Speaker 1 0:00

Today I want to tell you a story . It is the story of a kids party that I went to this weekend and the assumptions that were made while I was there and how that party proved me wrong . Hello , hello and welcome to the Low no Drinker podcast , the only twice weekly podcast , helping you to find , understand and enjoy the world of low no and light drinks , drinkers and drinking . My name is Denise Hamilton Mace and I am the founder , editor and host of all things low no drinker . So this weekend my five-year-old daughter was invited to a birthday party . Now , if you've got small kids , you know that most of your social life now revolves around their social life , referring them to and from their various calendar of events . But this one was at my daughter's friend's house and it was a lovely house with lovely hosts and a lovely little party . And , as all good hosts do , when I entered the kitchen because of course that's where all parties happen evil when you're five I was offered a drink and I looked around and I could see that there were cans of beer and bottles of bubbles and my first response was to say thank you . But no , thank you . I'm fine with water . I always carry a bottle of water with me . I was like no , no , I'll just drink my water . And there was no judgment , there was no shade . You know , the party was at three o'clock in the afternoon , so it wasn't like 11 am . And I've been to many parties , many kids parties , before I started on my mindful drinking journey and I know that you know , grown-ups generally tend to have a bottle or a can of something while these parties are going on . I'm sure you've been in the same situation yourself , but obviously for for many clear reasons , as you know , if you're joining me here today , that just isn't my vibe anymore . Wasn't my bag , but I'm like cool , you do what you want to do , but thanks , no , thanks , not for me .

My assumption

Speaker 1 1:53

Anyway , as the party continued on , a little while later the dad of the girl whose birthday it was , so the host of the party he had a moment to breathe and he came over to me and he said hi , denise , actually I wanted to chat to you because we've got a friend in common and I thought , oh , okay , must be one of the other parents in school , of course , or one of the social events that we've been to in the area . Actually , it turned out that the person that we had in common is a previous guest who's been on the Lono Drinker podcast . It was Billy Wright , who is the founder of Desem 10% Gin and also a regular feature writer for Lono Drinker magazine , where he writes about food and alcohol free drinks pairings . And so I said , oh , that's amazing . How do you know Billy ? So we got talking and it turns out that this chap had worked with Billy in the past in a chefing capacity . He's also worked in branding on lots of alcohol brands and alcohol-free brands .

Speaker 1 2:56

And then it took me a moment and I took a step back and I looked around and on the counter where I'd seen the cans and bottles before , I looked closer at the labels and more than 50% of the drinks that he had on his counter were alcohol free . There were cans of beer , there were bottles of Zeno sparkling wine , there were drinks that were there for grown-ups to attend a kid's party , have an adult drink and not consume alcohol . And I had to take a moment to give myself a really big telling off . Why , why had I made the assumption that these drinks were all full alcohol ? Why had I assumed that these lovely people in their lovely home were unable to throw a kid's birthday party without having copious amounts of alcohol to hand . This assumption was all entirely on me , but it took me by surprise because obviously , given what I do for a living , my radar for alcohol free drinks is always up right . I'm always on the lookout for them Everywhere I go . I'm noticing what venues have them , what shops have them in . If you go out to the picnic , what's everybody drinking ? But for some reason , walking into this party on this hot sunny day , I had made the assumption that these people had not considered anybody else , or made the assumption , actually , that they themselves were just ready to get on the lash in the middle of their five-year-old daughter's birthday party . And it made me stop and think because obviously what's happened is that I have taken the years and years and years of conditioning that I have been exposed to through my career , through working in pubs and bars , through my own habits , through having been to kids parties and family events where alcohol was front and centre , and I had just taken that assumption and I had plastered it all over these people without giving them the opportunity to present themselves as they wanted .

Speaker 1 5:04

So it turns out that this chap and his wife had decided to embark on their own low-no drinking journey , like many people do during his wife's pregnancy , particularly her second pregnancy , so that she had a . They had a two-year-old son as well , and there were times when she really wanted to drink . She really wanted a beer , like lots of people , like lots of us . You know you've gone , oh okay . Well , like I can't I know that I can't have a drink at the moment because I'm growing this life inside of me , but I want something adult .

Speaker 1 5:33

They started to explore alcohol-free beers and wines and , of course , through the husband's work as well , where he's worked on branding with alcohol-free brands . He's got a friend who works in the light alcohol space . They had a lot of exposure to the drinks that we talk about a lot on this show and they were excited by them . They wanted to have these drinks here . They were proud to have them at their party , they were happy to offer them to people and they wanted people to drink them . Now

Mixed drinking hosting

Speaker 1 5:59

they did have full alcohol drinks as well . You know , next to the bottle of Zeno sparkling wine , there were bottles of alcohol full Carver . Next to the cans of Brewdog Punk IPA alcohol free , they had cans of alcohol full beer as well .

Speaker 1 6:16

And isn't that just what we want . Isn't that the perfect way to host a party ? Yes , I know that we're talking about a kid's five-year-old birthday party , but put that aside for the moment . Perfect way to host a party . Yes , I know that we're talking about a kid's five-year-old birthday party , but put that aside for the moment . Isn't what we want to be able to be in a situation where you're going to somebody's house , you're going to an event and the people who are hosting it have gone . Great , we've got to get some drinks for everyone who's coming . Let's get some wines , let's get some beers , let's get some whatever else , and let's make sure there are options .

Speaker 1 6:43

For , however , people are choosing to drink when they come and visit us , and I'm really grateful for that , and I'm really grateful that the situation made me call myself out and question why I made those kind of assumptions

Habitual behaviours

Speaker 1 6:58

. It also made me think about the assumptions that we have around the way that we drink . Me assuming that their drinks were only full alcohol was just akin to the way that I used to go into a bar and automatically assume that I wanted to drink full strength alcohol and automatically go to my standard orders , whether it was a glass of a particular white wine , or a particular vodka and mixer , or whatever it was that I was drinking at the time . We form these habits of behavior , these assumptions of circumstance , we create these rituals around the things that we do , and we don't stop and question them and question how they're serving us , question how they're presented to us and question how we can make the most out of them . So I guess for me this week , it's really about taking some time to reflect on the assumptions that we make on a daily basis about how others are perceiving the way we're choosing to drink .

Speaker 1 8:06

Because what this showed me was that I assumed I was the only person who was attending this party who wouldn't be interested in alcohol . I didn't think about it , I didn't discuss it with myself , it was just in my mind somewhere as a given . But actually there were lots of people who felt exactly the same way , down to the very hosts themselves , who were not prepared to get themselves tiddled whilst hosting their five-year-old daughter's

Reflecting with an open mind

Speaker 1 8:33

party . The default assumption that I made wasn't that , oh , I want to have a drink of alcohol , but rather there must only be alcohol available . It speaks to the fact that , whilst our hospitality venues do still have a long way to go .

Speaker 1 8:49

How often do we actually walk in and assume that the offering isn't going to be good enough ? How often do we walk in and assume that the offering isn't going to be good enough ? How often do we walk in and assume that the bar staff won't know what we're talking about if we ask for a low , no alcohol cocktail ? How often do we assume that the waiter is going to be looking down on us if we ask for an alcohol free wine instead of an alcohol full wine ? And even to me , you know I run a low no and light alcohol media brand .

Speaker 1 9:19

But clearly I'm still marred by certain assumptions as well . But that's okay . I'm not perfect . I never claimed to be perfect . I'm quite happy to put my hands up . It's all the way up in the air . Now You'll have to believe me and say that I have faults Many , many , many . Won't list them all today , but it's okay to make the wrong assumption . It's okay to get things wrong . It's okay to make a mistake , just as I did . But what I'm proud of myself for is the fact that I've taken it away with me and I've really thought about it and digested it . And now I know that going forward .

Speaker 1 9:50

When I walk into a space whether it is a house party , it's a picnic , it's a pub , it's a restaurant I'm going to take a moment and just assess the assumptions that I'm making about the situation , may assess the assumptions I'm making about the quality of drinks that they have , about the service I'm about to receive , about the people who I'm going to be spending time with , about the people who I'm going to be spending time with , and also about other people's perspective on whether I'm choosing to drink or not , because actually lots of other people will be thinking about things the same way that I am , but perhaps they just don't talk about it , or perhaps they just don't feel that comfortable to share , or perhaps they're making assumptions . Looking at me going , you know she looks so cool because I do , I look super cool . But you know , perhaps they're making assumptions about me thinking oh yeah , she's , you know , a drinker . She's worked in hospitality , she must love a good whiskey , sour , you know .

Speaker 1 10:47

So we've got to keep talking , we've got to keep an open mind , we've got to keep giving people grace and situations grace and venues grace to understand that they may well have something that is absolutely perfect for us , for our needs . In that moment , they might surprise you , you might surprise yourself and you might also start noticing more spaces , more opportunities where the low no option is not only available , but maybe it's the defaults , maybe it's copious amounts , you know . Maybe things are changing more and more every day in our favor and maybe we should celebrate that . Yeah , so just some food for thought to leave you with for this week and , of course , as always , don't forget to go and check out low no drinker magazine , where there are lots more thought-provoking pieces , as I'm working now on the next issue and I've got some changes coming up for the magazine , which I will be telling you about soon .

Speaker 1 11:45

So , if you haven't yet hit subscribe wherever you are hearing my voice now , make sure you subscribe to the show or follow the show or fan the show , whatever the button says on whatever app you subscribe to the show or follow the show or fan the show , whatever the button says on whatever app you happen to be listening to , and check out Lono Drinker magazine , the leading global magazine for mindful and sober , curious drinkers . Until next time , my dear cheers to a life less intoxicated .