Sober Curious, Mindful & Alcohol-Free Drinkers Podcast: Low No Drinker
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Sober Curious, Mindful & Alcohol-Free Drinkers Podcast: Low No Drinker
#66 Active vs passive moderation techniques
“It's a change in who you are. It's a change in the way you think. It's a change in the way that you act, and, most importantly, it's a change in your belief system.”
This week we're covering:
0:21 Active vs passive moderation
0:46 Warning: Not suitable for people with AUD
2:19 3 Es Framework
3:52 What is active moderation?
4:41 Setting the rules of active moderation
5:34 Pros of active moderation
7:30 Cons of active moderation
8:19 The final countdown
9:34 It's only temporary
10:23 Pros of passive moderation
12:13 Long-term sustainability
12:58 My passive moderation journey
13:53 Does alcohol serve you?
15:55 Cons of passive moderation
16:43 Understanding yourself
18:58 Which one is best for you?
20:52 Swapping between active and passive moderation
22:35 Mindful drinking parallels
23:01 From passive moderation to active
25:22 No right way
26:15 Questions to ask yourself
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Best episode to listen to next:
#63 FAQ: What exactly are zebra striping and bookending (& do they work)?
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Hello and welcome to the Low no Drinker podcast the only twice weekly podcast, helping you find, understand and enjoy the world of low no and light drinks, drinkers and drinking. I'm Denise Hamilton-Mace and I am the founder and editor of Low no Drinker magazine, the number one UK magazine for mindful and sober curious drinkers, and I'm the host of all things Low no Drinker. This week, I want to talk to you about something that I've touched on in episodes before, and that is the concept of active versus passive moderation when it comes to your alcohol intake. I want to have a look at what the difference is between the two and whether one might work better than the other, and even hopefully share a few tips that might help you if you decide that either of these are paths that you would like to go down. Now. Long-time listeners will know that this is not a sobriety podcast. This is not a recovery podcast. So, first off, we'll say that if alcohol is causing a life-damaging problem for you, then these moderation techniques are not for you. These are not ways that I am suggesting that, if you have a serious alcohol use disorder, that you should try these techniques instead and everything will be okay. Absolutely not. You should certainly go and find help from professional people who are qualified to help in that situation.
Speaker 1:I'm talking to the citizens of Lono Nation, who are just like me, just like I was, who have recognized that it is about time that they made some changes with the way that they consume alcohol and they're looking at their options. This is for people who might still be, or are really still consuming full strength alcohol, but want to cut down in some way, shape or form, whether that be for, as I always say, a night, a weekend, a month, a year or a lifetime as I always say a night, a weekend, a month, a year or a lifetime. Here inside Lono Nation, there is no judgment, no expectations. You are all welcome to drink at our table and it's about what works best for you. Now, with that out the way, let's jump into these two different moderation techniques that I see. Now, these are not terms that have been designated by the powers on high. This is just what I have noticed in my time in this space and the work that I've been doing with people and the research that I've been looking at and from my own life, and I was inspired to do this episode for you because I am watch out, here's a plug coming.
Speaker 1:I am in the process of writing my first book, and it is based on a framework that I've been working on for quite some time, which itself is based on my own journey from a daily habitual drinker working in hospitality with free access to booze all the time I took full advantage advantage of it to now being a sober, curious and mindful drinking badass that is taken back the power of control from alcohol. And when I've been looking back on that journey, well, I've made it into a framework now because there was a certain process that I went through and I refer to it as my three E's framework, and I'll definitely talk to you more about that in another episode. But as part of looking back to generate the three E's framework, I was looking at how my relationship with alcohol changed and what were the processes that I went through that got me, as I said, from a daily drinker, from a habitual drinker who just didn't even think about it, even when I did think about it and I thought I'm really not enjoying this, but I still carried on to now being somebody who does have the ability to take it or leave it whenever I want to. Now, for some of you, you do that already and you're just here because you're interested in knowing more about the drinks in general. So perhaps this isn't the episode for you, but I do know that for also for some of you, that is what you'd like to achieve and it's where you'd like to be. So for those people, let's jump in.
Speaker 1:And first of all, we're going to look at active moderation. So if you've had any of my episodes before where this has come up, you've probably got a very good idea of what I define active moderation as. But it is generally a structured and intentional break or reduction in your alcohol. Active moderation is often tied to things like dry January or sober October or dry July or any of the other rhyming months that are out there. Or it might be that you're going on a detox and you've planned a detox because it might be that you're going on a detox and you've planned a detox because, I don't know, you've got a holiday coming up and you know no carbs before marbs and that also includes alcohol. Do people still say no carbs before marbs? I don't know. I might be aging myself and making myself look really uncool. If you know where that phrase comes from, then you'll understand me.
Speaker 1:So it's about a set of rules that you create for yourself or that you borrow from another place to impart on yourself, and these rules are designed to put structure around the way that you consume alcohol. So it might be things like like I say if you're doing a dry January or sober October, then that rule is there's no alcohol at all for those 31 days. Or you might have a rule that would be something like no alcohol from Sunday to Wednesday, but Thursday, friday and Saturday I'm allowed to drink as much as I want. Or you might have a rule where you say to yourself okay, I can drink whatever days I want, but no more than two glasses of wine or two beers or two whatevers when I'm out.
Speaker 1:There are lots and lots of different ways that you can set these rules for yourself, and for some people that can really work, because the pros of active moderation is that it gives you a really clear and structured way to approach your drinking. It gives you a clear stop sign. So you know that once you've hit your maximum or you've hit your allotted time or day or whatever it is that you set this rule around, that you know that that's when you're supposed to stop. So it takes the thought out of it and it gives you that reset moment. It's good for testing your boundaries and seeing how alcohol affects you and seeing whether or not you're able to stick to those rules that you've set yourself. And also it's a great way if you do stick to those rules that you've set for yourself. It's a great way of seeing how much alcohol affects you within the parameters of those rules. So, for example, if you said that I'm allowed to have three glasses of wine when I go out on a Friday night in the morning, if you stuck to that rule on a Saturday morning, you know exactly what you've had and you can assess how that's making you feel in that morning. So it gives you much more clarity on how alcohol has been impacting you, on how alcohol has been impacting you. It also allows you and helps you to explore new drinks and new habits and decide what fits best within your life.
Speaker 1:Are your priorities around work and making sure that you're clear headed for those days when you've got to go into the office or into the factory or wherever it is that your work takes you? Are your priorities more around the weekends and making sure that you are fresh faced for the kids and that you've got the energy to deal with that 6am wake up. That happens all the time, except for on school mornings when you need them to get up, but they somehow managed to get up at 5am at half term and the weekends. I may be dealing with some stresses from the last couple of days, guys. I'm not going to lie to you. We've just finished half term and it's been long.
Speaker 1:On the flip side, there are, of course, cons to this, as there are pros and cons to everything in life. Depending on your personality trait, you might find that active moderation can feel rather restrictive. You might not like being told what to do, even if it is you telling yourself what to do. I'm one of those people. I hate being told what to do, and so when I set myself strict rules, I find it really hard to follow them, even though I've set the rule, because I'm like well, no, I'm a grown up, I can do what I want when I want. The other thing is that it can often feel too temporary. When you know that there is an end date to when your restrictions or your rules are in place, you can feel almost as if you're not achieving as much as you could otherwise be doing if this became a way of life rather than just a moment in it.
Speaker 1:There's another big con to active moderation and that is the countdown effect. Now, anyone who's done a dry January or sober October I'm sure has been through this. I did many dry Januaries myself in my time and you know particularly those last few days. It's like when you go for a run right, and you say you're running 5k and it's been a bit of a slog, but you've managed to keep going for like four and a half k and that last 500 meters just seems like the longest distance ever. Because it's that final countdown, it's that last bit before you get to go back to what you were doing before. And it's the same with the active moderation approach to your drinking. In your, your final days you can start to feel that you've got that countdown effect and you're like, oh my gosh, it's 10 more days until I can have a drink again, nine more days till I can have a drink again, so on and so forth. And then what happens is you get to that final day and then you go to the pub and you have a massive blowout and you undo all of the amazing work that you did in that time that you took a break, because you've just put your body back through the whole process of having to deal with so much alcohol all in one go.
Speaker 1:And the final con is that active moderation doesn't always lead to you addressing long-term habits. As I mentioned, it's a temporary situation. Right, it's a temporary solution. So it may well be that for your month long break, your detox, your dry January challenge, that you have made these changes and you're feeling fabulous for it. But if, straight after that, you go back to drinking exactly the way that you were before and you've already established that you don't feel that that was serving you the way you wanted it to, then you haven't created any long-term habits that are going to help you make the improvements in your life that you might have been looking for when you started this approach in the first place. So, as with anything in life, there are pros and there are cons to active moderation, and then there are also there are cons to active moderation, and then there are also pros and cons to passive moderation. So, just as active moderation was about setting some structured rules, passive moderation is the reverse of that it's a natural and gradual shift towards drinking less, without strict rules, without strict guidelines, and it's more of a lifestyle change than it is a challenge. So ways that passive moderation might manifest would be things like you choosing alcohol-free options when you're out and about, not because you feel like you have to, but because you actually enjoy them and you actually want to, or at the very least, you know that you don't want to have alcohol, and you've gone beyond that point of just drinking for the sake of it.
Speaker 1:I was a big one for just drinking for the sake of it. If I was in a space that served alcohol, it was irrelevant whether or not I wanted to have the drink. The fact that the alcohol was there meant that I should be drinking it. And passive moderation allows you to step back and say hang on a minute, do I really want to have this drink? If I do, fantastic, I'm going to go ahead and have it. But if I don't, I'm going to choose the alcohol-free option because that's going to serve me better for what I want.
Speaker 1:It's losing interest in drinking frequently and forcing that drinking situation. As I said, you know, just because it's there doesn't mean that you have to have it, and just because you often in a place where alcohol is present doesn't mean that you often have to consume it. So, within passive moderation, you're actually looking at drinking less because your lifestyle and your social habits and the way you approach these drinks is naturally shifting. So the pros of passive moderation, first and foremost. For me, passive moderation provides a more sustainable, long-term way of changing your relationship with alcohol that doesn't rely on willpower. It feels more effortless over time and it becomes more a part of who you are and what you're trying to achieve, rather than the rules that you said that you have to follow because you saw it on an Instagram post or you read about it in some self-help book. Passive moderation works really well for those who don't want rigid rules, those who don't like being told what to do.
Speaker 1:As I mentioned before and I say this from a personal perspective because that was what happened to me I started off by saying to myself you know, I'm not drinking. I did a dry January, I did a sober October and all those sorts of things, and then, when I did decide that I wanted to start reducing my alcohol intake, I would say, right, okay, I'm not drinking at home or I'm not drinking during the week, or I'm not drinking when this thing happens or that thing's coming up. And that didn't really work for me because it was too strict. You know, and life is flexible I've got two small kids, I've got two small kids, I've got a husband, I've got a house, I've got a business. Things change, you're in different places in different times and the rules that you set don't always apply to those situations. So what I found was that I actually told myself that it was more about making a choice and it was about being in that moment and thinking about whether I really wanted to have that drink and if it was going to serve me.
Speaker 1:And and when I say serve me, I know that there'll be many people out there that say alcohol doesn't serve you in any way, shape or form. But the truth is it does. We have used it as a social elixir for centuries. We have relied on alcohol to bring communities together in many ways, shapes and forms for decades, and the truth is that we probably will for some time to come. Alcohol is not going anywhere. Just because sales are dropping, it doesn't mean it's going anywhere anytime soon. But what I mean when I say serves me is in. Does it give me anything positive? Do I get something out of it that's making me feel like it is worth what it's taking away from me.
Speaker 1:So for me that would be like if we were out for a meal and my favorite wine was on on the menu. I used to love an Argentinian red. If I was having a red wine, or if I was having a white wine, it'd be a puifume, or was it a puifuse? I can never remember the difference between the two, but it was one of those, uh, french valley wines and if they had that on the menu I would go for it. I'd be like, yeah, I'd love that one. I actually like the way it tastes, I like the experience of drinking it, so I'm going to enjoy that. But I'll see how many I want. I'll have the one and I'll see how it feels and if I want to have any more. And particularly as that could be quite an expensive wine sometimes I was like, actually, do you know what? One glass is plenty for me. I'm really enjoying this, it's going well with my meal or I'm having a nice time with my friends, but actually I don't want any more.
Speaker 1:Next, I'd rather have something that was non-alcoholic. So, like I said, when I say is it serving you? I mean, is it giving you something that you feel is worth the cost of having that drink? Because everything in life has a cost. Right, you know, and this is not me poo-pooing alcohol or taking you into the dangers and the perils, you know that's not my vibe. But everything we do has a cost. You know, if you want to watch your favorite TV program, the cost is that you're not going, perhaps, and doing the exercise that you wanted to do. Or if you're doing the exercise you wanted to do, the cost is that you don't get to sit around and watch TV all day. It just swings around about.
Speaker 1:That's the way that life goes and, as with everything, there are cons as well to a passive moderation approach. It can take longer to notice big changes. When you're moderating passively, because there's no sort of set structure around what you're doing, or when you're doing, it's really hard to sort of attribute the way you're feeling to any specific action that you took, or lack of action. I should say, if you've chosen not to have the drink, it's more of a subtle change. It's a change in who you are. It's a change in the way you think. It's a change in the way that you act and, most importantly, it's a change in your belief system. And changes in our belief system take time. They take time to take hold and to manifest in our actions.
Speaker 1:Another challenge of passive moderation is that it requires a lot of self-awareness and a lot of self-control. You need to understand yourself, you need to understand self-control. You need to understand yourself. You need to understand your drinking patterns. You need to understand what triggers you, how you respond to it and whether or not you have the self-control to manage those situations. Whether or not, if you have that one drink just because you feel like it, you will then be able to say, actually, that is all I feel like it. You will then be able to say, actually that is all I feel like and I don't want it anymore, or whether that will start a trigger, a landslide of effects within you that you don't feel that you can control. It's less obvious than a structured challenge. It's less obvious than a detox period.
Speaker 1:So you might not feel that you're making as much progress. You know, if you don't generally drink at home, for example, and you only drink when you're out and you go out once a week and you still have a glass of wine, but you have just one instead of having a bottle. You might not feel as if you've achieved as much, as if you had no wine whatsoever, but that's again down to how you perceive things and you knowing yourself and knowing whether that all or nothing mindset is one that works best for you, or whether you are able to look at things more holistically. I can't answer that for you. Only you will know that for yourself. I can't answer that for you. Only you will know that for yourself.
Speaker 1:So if you decide that you want to approach moderation and you're wondering whether active or passive moderation will work best for you and you were hoping that I would tell you the answer you're going to be really annoyed with me because I'm going to tell you one of those answers that really, really bugs people, and the answer is it depends Okay, it depends on you. I've shared a bit of my story and what worked well for me, but I am not you. I don't know what you're going through, what your life is like, what your choices are based on, what you're trying to achieve. Only you know that and only you can think about all of those things and take the look at the bigger picture and figure out what's going to work best for you, what's going to make life more enjoyable for you. What's going to work best for you, what's going to make life more enjoyable for you. If you decide that you want to be somebody who moderates in that way, the best piece of advice I can give you is to pay attention, is to go slow, to give yourself some grace and to truly reflect on how these situations are making you feel, because if it is giving more than it takes, then you're on the right path and you're heading towards the direction that you want to be going in, and that is fantastic.
Speaker 1:If it is causing you distress, if it is taking up too much energy, if you find that your mind is constantly thinking about oh, am I allowed to have a drink, or do I feel like having another one? Is this okay, is this the right thing to do, then these probably aren't approaches that are right for you at the moment, and that's absolutely fine. It's perfectly fine to recognize that you know what this isn't going to work for me right now, but it might be something that I want to visit in the future. Do you know what. This isn't going to work for me right now, but it might be something that I want to visit in the future. If you are currently in a state of active moderation and you're thinking of moving over to passive moderation, then I have a few things just to consider to hopefully help that transition a little, make that transition a little smoother for you.
Speaker 1:If you are used to active moderation but want something a bit more long-term instead of stopping entirely and just going right, that's it. I'm no longer actively moderating. It's all about passive. It's all just about how I feel. Instead of doing that, perhaps, practice little and often. So try one of your weekends that you've allowed yourself your drinking time. If that's how you're doing it, say right, I'm not going to just go hell for leather this weekend. I'm actually going to try a bit of passive moderation and see if I can work with just having what I feel like having for the moment. I feel like having it and then stop afterwards.
Speaker 1:You can try things like defaulting to an alcohol-free drink and then saving your alcohol-full drinks for those times when you definitely decide that that's what is going to serve you best in that moment, noticing when you genuinely don't fancy a drink and honoring that and giving yourself time and grace to go. Do you know what I actually? I don't want it and that's okay. And I'm going to tell my other half, I'm going to tell my friends and they'll get it. And if they don't get it, that's their problem, it's not my problem. That is the key. That's when you know that passive moderation is really kicking in.
Speaker 1:You might notice that some of this rings quite true to mindful drinking and I will do another episode on mindful drinking for you but passive moderation and mindful drinking really do go very, very well hand in hand. So it's worth noting that if mindful drinking is a route that you're looking to go down, then passive moderation and mindful drinking work really, really well together. Now if you have been trying passive moderation and it hasn't been working for you and you want to go back to a more active moderation style of drinking, then that's an option for you as well. I want you to know that, as I always say, this is about what works best for you. So, although I enjoy the passive moderation side of drinking, if you think that active moderation might be better for you because you prefer to have that structure in place, then you are absolutely in the perfect position to make that change.
Speaker 1:So a couple of things that you can look at there is, first and foremost, is setting yourself a short-term challenge to see how you feel when you take the option of alcohol off the table completely. If you say to yourself right, okay, I am no longer allowed to. Just, you know, see how I feel on any given occasion. This is now the rule, and I do not drink on X, y and Z days or X, y and Z occasions. I'm only allowed to drink on this occasion. Then again, as with all things in this space, it's about being really honest with yourself and assessing how that makes you feel. Track how often you are drinking when you do have a full alcohol drink within your current passive moderation routine and see how that's making you feel and see what influences your choices. It's really interesting to actually take the time that's the day after and think back.
Speaker 1:Right, I set out with the intention to not particularly drink as much as I had. What was it that triggered me to go okay, let's have another one? Was it the fact that I just had one and then my friends were having another one and I wanted to join in? Or was it that I didn't want to feel my friends were having another one and I wanted to join in? Or was it that I didn't want to feel left out, because those are two different things? Was it that you had the mindset that if I had one, I might as well finish the bottle? Was it that you were thinking more about other people and how they feel than you were about yourself?
Speaker 1:What are the challenges that you find to passively moderating that you would want to rectify and then implement into a more active moderating technique? Whatever it is that you choose to do, first and foremost, know that there is no right or wrong here. You are not making the right choice if you choose to drink the way that Denise does, and you're not making the right choice if you choose to drink the way that your partner does or your friends do. You're only making the right choice if you choose to drink the way that you feel serves you best and fits with your lifestyle best.
Speaker 1:As I've said many times in this episode, pay attention to how you're feeling, whether that is through journaling, whether it's through a notes app. However, it is that you like to spend time with yourself, whether it's just like going for a walk and having a little think. Pay attention to how you're feeling when you are moderating, either passively or actively, and see if it's working for you and if it's not, then change something. Ask yourself some questions. Ask yourself do I need structure right now or am I happy letting things evolve naturally? Am I happy with how far I've come and where things are going? Only you can answer those questions, but I would love to know what you're thinking.
Speaker 1:So do give me a shout, let me know where you find yourself on the passive, active moderation spectrum and if there's anything else that I can do to help you along the way with your journey.
Speaker 1:Way to get in touch is to reply to one of my emails and you can get onto my email list by heading to lonodrinkermagazinecom. Go to forward slash free gifts page, download one of the free gifts there. I highly recommend the low, low nation new citizen quick start guide, which has got loads of amazing guides, such as a unit counter, where to find low, no and light drinks and some great resources to enjoy, to listen to, to read, to watch, and that'll get you onto my mailing list and then you can just drop me an email and let me know your thoughts or your questions on anything that you hear me talking about. While you're at the website, don't forget to head to lonodrinkermagazinecom. Forward slash, subscribe and you can start your seven day free trial to get access to every single issue of Lono Drinker magazine that's ever been published as the number one UK magazine for mindful and sober curious drinkers. That's it from me this week until next time. Cheers to a life less intoxicated.
