Mindful Drinking & Moderation in Midlife: Low No Drinker Podcast

122: 18 Quick-Fire, Awkward (& Sometimes Funny) Truths About Your Sober-ish Christmas

• Denise Hamilton-Mace • Episode 122

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Eighteen uncomfortable truths about mindful drinking at Christmas that nobody talks about.

From managing social pressure and family dynamics to handling drunk friends and awkward questions, I'm preparing you for the reality of festive drinking culture when you're choosing moderation or sobriety with 18 real-world quick-fire scenarios.

From FOMO & boundaries, to peer pressure & how to navigate Christmas parties, work dos and family gatherings with less alcohol on your own terms.

3:40 They won't stop asking
4:33 Assumptions
5:07 People will make it weird
6:02 They'll call you brave
7:03 Just one
8:11 You'll become boring
9:34 Your BS tolerance tumbles
10:56 You might not like your friends
12:10 Some things will be worse sober
13:05 You will feel left out
14:25 Nostalgia is a bitch
16:30 Feeling self-righteous
18:27 Awkward silences
19:42 Your mum will worry
20:55 Dad jokes
23:24 The designated everything

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SPEAKER_00:

Last week we took a really important look at how to face the upcoming festive season without relying on willpower and what you will really need to work on if you want the next week's to be a success for you. I can't stress enough how important that was as the foundation of the rest of the Christmas-related episodes I've got coming up for you. But today we are lightening the mood and doing something a little bit different. I thought I'd mix it up for you. Why not? And today we're going to have a quick fire show. Hello, hello, and welcome to the Mindful Drinking and Moderation in Midlife podcast with me, Denise Hamilton Mace. I am your mindful drinking mentor, and I'm here to help you design and build a life less intoxicated on your own terms. Okay, so we are still in the throes of all the Christmas prep stuff. I'm sorry, but we can't get away from it. So we're just gonna lean into it and getting you ready for the next few weeks of madness. Now, I've seen a quite a few episodes out already about mindful planning and how to have a wonderful, sober Christmas and how everything is better on the other side of a nice glass of alcohol-free mold, whatever. But what if it's not? I mean, it might be, and I hope it is, but it also really might not be. You might find this season really hard, and it's okay if you do. Denise, you said you were gonna lighten things up. I'm getting to it, I promise. Um, should it be the case that you find this season uh challenging? I want to prepare you for some of the let's call them crappier moments that you might encounter when you choose to drink differently this December. Because, as I always like to say, to be forewarned is to be forearmed. And if you know that these situations are coming and you can brace yourself for impact, you might find that things are much smoother sailing when you know what's likely to come flying at you. And yes, as I finish that sentence, I realize I'm mixing my metaphors, but we are just gonna roll with it. So today I want to get you geared up and we are powering through some quick fire scenarios that will almost definitely come up for you this Christmas. Now, you might not experience all of them. In fact, I sincerely hope that you don't, but I would be shocked if you didn't encounter at least a few of the situations that I'm going to share. And for each one, I'm going to give you some honest, no-hold sparred reframes for how to tackle them, if you should even bother to tackle them at all. We've got five categories today. We are going to look at other people's opinions because my gosh, don't we just love those? Uh, the things that you can't unsee, feelings and that kind of stuff. Uh the time warp, and lastly, dynasty, the family dynamics. Uh, and if you are of a certain age, like myself, then I'm very sorry if you now have the dynasty theme tune stuck in your head all day, but I've had to deal with it, so you can too. Let's get going straight away with our quick fire scenarios, starting with other people's opinions. And number one, people will want to know why you are not drinking tonight, and they won't stop asking why they're doing this. We human beings are creatures of conformity, whether we like to admit it or not. You are doing something different, and different makes people uncomfortable. So, what do you do? Pick your strategy, you can give them a brief truth, you can change the subject, or simply say, and I like this, I just don't fancy it, and move on. Whatever you choose, stick to it. Okay, don't get drawn into explaining yourself repeatedly, particularly to people who are intoxicated and can't remember what you just said, are gonna keep asking you again and again and again. You don't owe anybody an explanation. Number two, people will assume that you are in recovery, that you are unwell, or that you are pregnant. Why? Because those uh sadly are still the most, I guess, low-hanging fruit type reasons that other people think that we choose not to drink. Um, and it's very, very annoying. What do you do about it? Be bold. Do not let people label your journey for you. Correct their assumptions and again move on with the conversation. Number three, people will make it weird. How? How will they make it weird? They'll become very coddling. This is a very unique one, so pay attention. You will start hearing things frequently like, are you okay? Are you okay? Yeah, everything okay? Or do you like your drink? Is that alright for you? Do you want to move away from the bar? They're all drinking here. Do you want to move away? Or they'll do things like jump to your defense uh when you don't need it. Don't forget, Frankie's not drinking tonight. She's not drinking. Don't get her a drink. They mean well, but it's really weird and it's really overbearing. So, what do you do? Remind them that you don't need looking after. You are a grown-up and you're making a grown-up choice, uh, and you're very happy with your choice. And this is really important. Use your voice when they try to speak for you. You gotta shut that down because if you let it start, then it will never stop. Um, number four, somebody will call you brave. Oh, all right. They mean well, maybe, maybe they don't, but it's really awkward and it's really patronizing. So, what do you do? Uh, my response is no, not really, but thanks. It is not brave to choose to drink differently. It might be hard, it might be challenging, it might be something you have to get used to, it might just be how you feel, it might not be a thing at all. Um, but brave makes it sound like you're doing some sort of uh survival, some sort of recovery work out in the Andes or something. It's it's not that, it's just uh an elder flower and soda, it's it's not a big deal. Um, so don't but you don't need to make a big thing out of it, but you also don't have to be gracious about what could be a back-handed compliment. Uh, because sometimes when people say that, they don't mean it nicely. Number five, and this one is a given, unfortunately. You are definitely gonna have somebody say to you, Oh, it's Christmas, go on, just one won't hurt. Why do people say this? That it could be that they love you and they want you to feel included. It could be that they feel like you're judging them and they want you to be in the same place that they are, so you can't do that anymore. It could be that they just don't know what else to say. Sometimes when you say that you're not drinking, some people find that awkward, like you've just revealed some sort of deep personal, dark, sordid secret. Um, what to do in that situation? Acknowledge. Acknowledge that they might be right. Maybe one won't hurt you, but you still don't want it anyway. Smile, decline it with confidence. Confidence is really your friend in these situations, and don't get into a debate about whether or not just one would hurt you or not. One, it's none of their business, and two, if you enter into that debate, they will see it as an opening to try to convince you otherwise, and then you're stuck in this merry-go-round and back and forth all night long. Okay, category two. I told you, quick fire. This is a challenge for me. I like to dive deep into things, but I'm pushing myself forward just for you. All right, category two, the things you can't unsee. Number six, you will become boring to drunk people. You are going to have to accept this one. You cannot fight it. Uh, why would drunk people think that you are boring? You're operating at different speeds, you've got different energy levels. You're not knee sliding across the floor or shoutsing down the street. Although, by the way, you do know that you can still do crazy stuff when you're sober, right? You don't have to be boring. But when you're not drinking, and other people are drinking, and the merrier and merrier they get, the more they might look at you and say, Well, you're being really boring because you're not doing what I'm doing the way that I'm doing it. What can you do? Nothing. There is nothing you can do about that perception that they have. Accept it. Find other people to spend your time with, maybe other people who aren't drinking as much or people who are drinking as much, but are just fun more fun to be around. Um, you don't need drunk people to find you interesting for you to know that you are interesting. This is one of those times when you stand in your power, you let somebody think what they want to think, and you go about your day. Number seven, your tolerance for bullshit will plummet. Why? When you are clear-headed and they are not, you can see and hear everything with clarity. And your ability to hear the same story, for example, for the third time in a row will become greatly diminished. Your ability to tolerate somebody slurring their stories, not being able to get to the point, going off in tangents, saying things that you know just aren't accurate, all of that will become greatly diminished. What can you do? If you are at a Christmas party and everybody is drinking lots and you are not drinking, lower your expectations. You cannot expect a room full of drunken people to make the same sense as a room full of sober people. It's just not the way that people work. Except that you might be annoyed by some of the people in the room and some of their conversations. And if you find that it's too much, then leave. Or again, go and find some other people to spend time with who you can connect with and relate to on a more even keel. It's okay to find drunk people exhausting. That's perfectly okay. But you don't have to make them feel bad for it. That's the choice that they've made. You've made a different choice. Take yourself off home, relax and enjoy the rest of your evening. Number eight in things that you can't unsee. Oh, you might not like some of your friends when they're drunk. Okay, following on from what we've just said, when you're sober and your friends are drinking, you're seeing a side to them that you you you're usually oblivious to because you're usually right there with them. The scariest thing is when it makes you think about what you're really like when you're drinking. I've had that experience and it's quite eye-opening. What do you do in that situation? Decide if it matters. Okay, intoxication is just one part of your time with them. If you don't want your friends to judge you for not drinking, then you can't judge them for the times when they do drink. Okay, that's just fair. But perhaps make a mental note to yourself uh that sober Susan is more fun to you than drunk Susan. Um, and that's perfectly okay. You know, my friends still drink, and and I make an active decision at which point um it's best that their time continues without me and I leave them to get on with it. But that doesn't mean that it diminishes our friendship. Um, it just means that when they're pissed, perhaps I don't want to spend that much time with them. And that's fair. Uh, number nine is that some events will be worse when you're sober. Okay, and now I know you're probably thinking you're not supposed to say this stuff, Denise. You're supposed to say that everything is better when you're when you're sober, but it's not. Not everything is going to be better. Some things are only fun when you're all on the same level, and that level is is drunk. But that's probably because they're not that much fun in the first place. So, what do you do there? If it's for work, do a certain type of venue, a certain restaurant, and you don't like it, make a mental note. Not to go there next year, not to do that thing again. And again, you have the option to leave early. And I know that you might be like, Well, I don't want to miss out, but if you're not having fun, you're not missing out. Not everything has to be even better sober. Some things are just different, and you don't want to do them anymore, and that's okay. All right, our next section is all about feelings and that kind of stuff, you know, emotions. Number 10, you will feel left out at least once. Okay, serious moment now. FOMO is a real thing, the fear of missing out. And alcohol is a social glue. We've used it this way for centuries. There will be stories that you are not a part of when you are not drinking the same way as everyone else. There will be jokes that you don't find funny. The opposite of FOMO is JOMO, and that is the joy of missing out. And absolutely, there are so many positives of not going down that drinking path when you don't want to. But the FOMO side of things is still real, and it's silly to pretend it's not. What do you do about it? Feel it, notice it, acknowledge it, embrace it. It's okay to feel that you feel like you're missing out on things because you're not doing what everybody else is doing. That's just a natural feeling. But the other thing you need to do is remember that that feeling passes. And feeling like you're left out in one moment doesn't mean that you've made the wrong choice. Okay, number 11. Uh, nostalgia is a bitch. Why? Change, when you're changing things like the way that you drink, change means loss, even when that change is good. So just like we were talking about the FOMO, you might find that you're you grieve the old version of party season when you were knee sliding across the floor, when you were shout singing Mariah down the street, when you were doing laybacks on the bar. Let yourself feel sad about it. You know, you must grieve the things that that are no longer part of your life or no longer part of that occasion. Uh, again, it doesn't mean that you've made the wrong choice. What it means is that you can miss the old way of doing things whilst choosing a new way that serves you better. But remember that what you're grieving, what you're missing, what you're longing for, is often the rose-tinted spectacle version of what happened. It's not the real life consequence-lading truth of what often comes next. Quickfire, quickfire, number 12. Uh, you might be feeling rather self-righteous. And if you are, you need to check yourself. Why? You're making better choices and you know it, and you're feeling all smug and you're feeling proud of yourself, and you get to the office the next morning after the staff do, everybody's dying, half the team haven't shown up, those that are there look absolutely haggard, and you're swanning in, feeling on top of the world. That's absolutely fine that you feel that way. Feel it, don't say it. You can keep your smugness to yourself. Everybody else is going to be able to see that you look fabulous while they look like death. You don't need to laud it in their face. Internal superiority is fine. External judgment, not so much. Okay, uh, the next section is the time warp. Uh, number 13. Know that uh during the Christmas season, if you're not drinking, time will move much slower and you'll want to leave much earlier than everybody else. Why? It's an anomaly, but drunk time moves differently than sober time. I promise. I promise. Uh what can you do about it? Plan for it. Plan shorter appearances. Uh, know that you might arrive a little bit later and you might leave a little bit earlier. When you feel like you've had enough, leave. Don't wait for a thing to be over. There is no point in curbing your drinking so that you feel better and then draining yourself of all your energy by staying out well past your bedtime just so that you can say that you were there. There's a temptation when we're not drinking to want to prove to everyone else that we can still be just as much fun. Never mind. If you're done, you're done and it's time to go. Uncomfortable moment number 14 is that you will be more aware of awkward silences and stilted conversations. Why? Alcohol smooths social friction, it gives you uh that Dutch courage and it also weakens the barrier between your mind and your mouth. So you never run out of things to say when you're drinking. Even when you should probably keep that mouth shut. Uh, what to do about this one? You've got to learn to sit with the discomfort. You've got to lean into it. Remember that silence is golden. But if you find it really uncomfortable, if you do find it too awkward to be with somebody and you feel like you keep running out of things to say, then have a few go-to questions ready that put the onus back on the other person. People generally really like speaking about themselves. So if you have a few questions in mind about them, remember things that they've told you in the past or things that you've done or whatever it is, or if it's at work, a project that they're working on, whatever it is, have a few go-to questions in mind. Put the onus back on them, they'll do all the talking. If all else fails, just say you need a we and then run away.

unknown:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh, our last section, section 15, in the um uncomfortable truths about your sober-ish Christmas. Uh, this is all about dynasty, uh, the family dynamics. So, moment 15. Your mum will be asking you if you're okay about 17 times. Why? When you change suddenly, if there's something that she's not used to, uh, the cognition in her brain goes, Oh, she's not drinking, or he's not drinking. That must mean that something's wrong. What can you do about it? Uh, it's your dear mum, you just got to reassure her. Uh, reassure her once, twice. You might end up feeling a little bit like a broken record. I'm fine, mum. Don't overexplain it. Don't go into all the ins and outs, especially if it's at a family gathering, you know, that might not be the right time to do it. As long as she knows that you're not actually dying, she'll eventually uh calm down and be able to move on from it. I know that with my own mum, it was a question that I got a lot of the time. Are you okay? You sure you're okay? Is there anything wrong? And of course, are you pregnant? No, mum, definitely not. I'm 46 years old. It's not happening again. Um, number 16, uh, on the flip side, your dad will probably make the same joke about you being good uh every single every single opportunity. Why will he do that? Uh, maybe he doesn't know what else to say, and it breaks attention for him. Obviously, I say mum and dad here. This could be anybody in your family, it could be uh Uncle Jim, Auntie Susie, cousin Fred. I don't know which family you're in that all have those names, but I'm sure they're out there. Um but when people keep making that joke, you know, about you being good or oh not tonight, is usually because they don't know what else to say. And like I said, it helps them break the tension so that they don't have to come up with anything sensitive or meaningful or too intrusive to say. So, what can you do here? Smile weakly, politely, change the subject, resist the urge to snap, because by this point you will be building up quite a bit of tension, and it's very easy to let that unfurl on your poor, unsuspecting parent or family member. Uh, and if it is really bugging you, then when it's appropriate, pull them aside for a chat and explain how you're feeling, uh, why you're doing what you're doing and why you'd like them to shut up about it now. You don't have to find it funny. Okay, number 17 uh in our dynasty section uh or dynasty for my uh friends across the pond is that you might be the first person in your family ever to do this, and that might make them uncomfortable. Why? Because generational drinking patterns are powerful. There are decades of tradition, and this is how we do things in our family, and you're coming along and you're changing all of that, and people don't like that. Like I said before, people don't like change. So, what can you do? Recognize that you are breaking a cycle and that it's uncomfortable for them. Do it respectfully. Don't laud your choices in people's faces, don't start preaching to them about the perils of alcohol and the different types of cancer and this illness and inflammation and that sort of thing. That is not what people need to hear. What they need to hear is that you're making a choice because it's a positive choice for you and that you're going to do it regardless of whether or not it makes them comfortable. Really importantly, here, don't apologize. Okay, stand your ground. I promise that your family they'll get over it. And number 18, our last one in our quick fire look at the uncomfortable truths about your sober-ish Christmas, it is that you may well become in the family setting the default designated everything. Why? Once you announce to people who love you, who know that you love them back, that you are not drinking, they will switch to recognizing you as somebody who they can rely on at any time of the day or night. And all generations, from your great-grandfather to your little baby nieces and nephews, will be looking at you to help them keep the sanity in check. Uh, so what to do about this? Set some boundaries. Boundaries are really important with family because those are the people who are most likely to walk all over them. Don't say yes to things when you actually mean no. You are not staff, you are family, and you are there to have a good time for yourself as well. Not drinking doesn't make you everybody's parent. Okay, and there you have it. 18 uncomfortable truths about your sober-ish Christmas. Real-world scenarios that you might find yourself facing this festive season, explanations that go along with why you'll find yourself in that situation, and moments of realization and empowerment, so you know how to deal with them, regardless of the lame jokes or faux or real concern and the fleeting discomfort that it might bring to other people. I have got two things to help you uh with the rest of your Christmas uh time. The first is the mindful drinking advent calendar. It is a daily digital experience. Each morning you'll receive a little email nudge from me to go and open that day's door, behind which you will find some mindful moments, some motivation, some tips and some techniques to deal with the intensity of the festive drinking situation. You can access that for free by going to mindfoldrinkingadvent.com or, of course, clicking the link in the show notes to sign up for free. And along with each day, you'll also get my personal curated drink recommendations for the festive season and, of course, some discounts so that you can enjoy those low, no, or light drinks and save yourself a few pennies at the same time. The second thing that I've got for you is that this podcast will be going daily in December, along with the Advent calendar, to help give you that extra support and guidance for the busiest drinking season of the year. So make sure that wherever you're listening to my voice right now, you press subscribe or follow or whatever the button says so that you don't miss out on your daily December Advent episodes. They'll only be about two or three minutes long each, but they'll give you that extra support you need to start and complete your day the way that you want to. Okay, that's it for this week. Until next week, my dear. Cheers to a Christmas less intoxicated.

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Denise Hamilton-Mace

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