health vs desirability: why women feel pressured to “fix” their bodies

are your habits actually about your health or about being desirable? 

in this episode, we’re unpacking the difference between caring for your body and performing it. from beauty standards to feminine hygiene, we’re questioning what we’ve been taught, where it comes from, and how to reconnect with what truly feels right for you.

connect with julia on instagram @beautybyjulia + tik tok @juliasalvia

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Transcript

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A couple of weeks ago, I saw this influencer, this very big influencer, talking about how she has never been eaten out before, and then she proceeded to talk about this gummy that she takes so that she tastes good and smells good. There is so much wrong with this statement, including the fact. That this girl has never been eaten out before. Do you know what you're missing out on? But what's more important here is the misinformation that she is sharing by just talking about this gummy that she takes, this misinformation that is so incredibly rooted in misogyny that we need to talk about it today in this podcast episode. Welcome back to the Self-Love Archives podcast. I am your host, Julia Salvia, your self-love bestie, and this is such an important conversation today because is your health more important? Or is your desirability more important, specifically your desirability to other men? And sometimes I think we don't even think or realize that we're so focused on appeasing men, that we don't even stop to think, is this actually good for us? Is this actually true? Is this actually rooted in science? Does this actually make sense? There's three things that we're going to focus on in this episode, including who are you doing this for? The actual truth about, quote unquote, feeling clean, and the fact that your body was never the problem. So when I saw this TikTok, I was like, wait, what? Number one, I feel really bad for you because you're missing out. But number two, those things shouldn't make your vagina smell or taste good at all. Because the problem is not the fact that she's never been eaten out, although that's a problem in my book. The problem is actually deeper. Than her taking these gummies to, to taste and smell good. The problem is that marketing exists around these feminine products that make you think that there's something wrong with your body the way that it is, because when it comes to our bodies, especially our vaginas and other parts of our body, it's not supposed to smell like flowers or taste like fruit. It has a distinct smell that is healthy and a distinct taste that is also healthy. It is a balance, right? And there's also a smell and a taste that isn't healthy, that isn't good, that lets you know that there is something wrong. And the problem is, is that there's so much marketing around the desirability of being desired as a woman at removing our hair. Making our, our private areas smell good, that we forget what is actually like, what healthy actually looks like. We're taught as women that our natural bodies are something to fix, that the maintenance of our body is a requirement, not a choice. And that desirability ability means cleanliness. Or vice versa, that being clean means that we will be desired, that we need to be clean shaven, that we need to use cleaning products to keep these certain areas of our bodies clean somewhere along the way. Actually being clean in the way that it means to take care of your body has gotten mixed up with being desirable, and that's not okay. You can see this in the vaginal freshness. Culture, all of those products that exist to keep the vagina fresh, like a vaginal wash, suppositories, shaving products, including the pink T. Have you ever noticed how much more a woman's deodorant is to versus that of a man's deodorant or shaving products for a man versus that of woman's? And have you also ever noticed the way that they're marketed. To you. Women's products are marketed in a way of desirability. Men's products are marketed as a way of just being clean. Look, this is not necessarily a comfortable conversation, right? We get a little shy, a little like rosy in the cheeks when we start talking about our bodily autonomy. When we start talking about the things that are. Actually true about our bodies, the things that we actually have a choice in. The thing that makes it go deeper and dive even deeper that we're not gonna go too much into today in this podcast episode is all of the things that are considered desirable are very youth centered, being completely clean shaven. Is very representative of a child. A a child is completely free for the most part of body hair, but a woman has body hair. There's nothing wrong with having body hair, but it's seen as more desirable to not have body hair. And when you start to think about that for a second. Desirability is truly repulsive. The hairlessness, the smoothness, the no aging, the youthfulness, not having a smell. All of these things are linked to being more youthful, to being younger. All of these traits overlap pre pubescent characteristics. If you think about all of the things that have been put on us, all of these expectations. About staying clean, being smooth, looking young, and you zoom out of that and really take a look at it. All of those things are actually just characteristics of looking less like a grown woman. So now that you understand where this desirability is coming into play, societal expectations, pink tax. Women's feminine products, the marketing around feminine products and women's products in general, and even the expectation that a man or someone else has for you because you're a woman. These standards that you're just so used to seeing around you as you age as a woman, do this, do that. Shave this, be perfect here, do that. But here's the thing. You have a choice. Now that you understand that desirability is not equal to health, let's talk about your choice and how you make that choice and understand the difference between your choice versus the conditioning. Let me give you a personal example. I have body hair because I am a woman, okay? I have body hair, and there are different ways that I take care of my body Hair. I personally get Brazilian full waxes, and that is not because I need to, because I want to. I really don't even, I'm just on such a rigid schedule now that I don't really book things around certain other things. I get waxed because it's more comfortable for me, honestly. I don't need my pube hair getting pulled by my underwear Very specific about. My underwear, by the way, I wear thongs every day, but I always wear boy shorts to bed. That is like. That is the best combination for me. You, I just don't wear any other underwear. That is perfect. Now the thing is, because I wear thongs, and maybe this is the case with any, any other underwear, but because I wear thongs, like it will pull if it's too long, plus I get really bad ingrown hairs, so shaving is like out of the question. I've also since gained a little bit of weight and I can't really, like, it's not very comfortable for me to like see down there without like a mirror and I need like a third hand. I get waxed. I don't get waxed because of the desirability of other people. I get waxed because I am more physically comfortable in my body day to day by doing so while this may have started while me waxing and me manipulating my underarms and getting rid of my body here in on those two areas of my body, may. And honestly probably started off for me as a desirability thing, as something that I felt like I needed to do to be more desirable to a man. It has now become part of my routine that when I take it out, if I, if I don't ate my underarms, like I think I just did like two days ago, but then even before that, I didn't appellate my underarms for like, I don't know, weeks, and I didn't really care. There was nothing like I just didn't, I didn't care. And then I remembered, oh, I need to ate my underarms because having body hair under my arms just makes me sweat a little bit more, and that's uncomfortable. So let me go, let me go ate them. So that is a choice I'm making the choice to wax and to ate from. Part of my own comfort, something that I do for myself, it is my choice. I'm not doing it for the eyes of a man. I'm not doing it for desirability. I'm doing it because it makes me feel more comfortable in my day to day. And when I started dating my boyfriend, nothing changed. I still did the same routine with my waxing and my ablating, and that's that I am not anti. Shaving anti this, anti that. I am pro understanding how and why you are doing the things. I am pro-choice. I am pro-choice. Like you do what you want with your body. You get to choose if you want to shave your body hair, keep your body hair. But I also want you to understand some of the marketing tactics that sit around a probiotic gummy that's supposed to make your vagina smell or taste good, or whose marketing makes you think that it's supposed to make your vagina smell or taste good. That is just medically incorrect and medically unneeded clean does not equal desirable health does not equal aesthetic. You do not need to perform for desirability, and your body is not a project. Your body is allowed to exist without being optimized for someone else's preferences. I wanna dive deeper into this topic and into this episode at some other point, because I started going down a rabbit hole about other cultures and religions and things that have so much impurity around women's menstruation and women's cycles, and women in general, and. This expectation that we think that we are supposed to be desirable to men does not just come out of thin air. It comes from years and years of conditioning, of making us believe that we need to do certain things to be more desirable. In the eyes of a man, and honestly, I was so disgusted, uncomfortable, and appalled by some of the things that I had learned and I had read about. There are entire systems, religious and or cultural systems where a woman's natural cycle changes how she's allowed to exist in her relationship. Changes how she's allowed to exist in her body. And the thing is, is it's not even about hygiene. It goes farther. It goes deeper. It's about the purity or lack thereof when a woman is menstruating. There is so much control around the female body around the timing. It is literally globally a pattern across so many different cultures and religions. And I wanna say that it is so important to remember that I, a lot of women are taking back their power and these practices may not be as oppressive as they once were. But it's still rooted in women's oppression. So I wanna know if you wanna hear more about this rabbit hole. I went down about the root of the desirability and control amongst women, specifically during a woman's menstruation period, during our periods. And if you would be interested in that conversation. But I wanna leave you with this reminder. I want you to check in with yourself and ask yourself if all of these things you are doing to quote unquote take care of yourself if you are doing those things for yourself, or if you are doing those things in the eyes of desirability or preference of some other person. That is you giving them autonomy over your body. I hope after this episode you can take back control of those areas of your life that you can prioritize health over desirability. I hope. That rather than doing things because you are subconsciously taught or conditioned to believe that you should or you need to do them, I hope that instead you are doing things because you are choosing to, because those are things that you wanna do for yourself, not because of the eyes or the preference of a man. Here's a reflection question. That you can take with you that'll help you actually decipher some of these. If it might be a bit a bit difficult for you. If no one ever saw your body except for yourself, would you still make these choices? Would you still do these things for you? Would you still take that probiotic, gummy? Would you still shave wax? Would you still do these things? No one else saw your body except for you. I want you to be able to tell the difference about caring for your body versus performing in your body. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of the Self-Love Archives, and I have to give a cute little shout out to my background because I finally changed it to my spring, my quarter two vision board. It's stunning, it's gorgeous. It's greens and it's pinks and it's blues, and it's, it's everything and it's a little yellow. I love it. I love it, and I love it. I love it. I love it so much. I hope you enjoyed this cute little background. You're gonna be seeing a lot more of this as we go into the rest of spring. Thank you so much for tuning in and if there's anything you would like to share or if you would love like to leave us a review, I would love that There is a link down below in the description, in the show notes that you can click and you can tell us what you thought. Um, and anything and everything matters. Your feedback means the world to me. I love you a ton. I, I'll say that a million times. And I will see you next week, same time, same place, right back here on the Self-Love Archives podcast. Bye. Love yourself a little more this week.