Embracing Reinvention: Navigating Identity and Purpose Beyond Motherhood

How do you define yourself? What role do you claim first? Mom first? Wife first? or You first? Wow, "You first", may sound selfish, huh? 

Join me on a heartfelt journey that resonates with the experiences of countless women transitioning through midlife crises, as we unravel the threads of hope and resilience. We navigate the challenging waters of redefining our identities, once intricately woven into the fabric of motherhood and career. This episode is a candid sharing of not only my transformation, but also the stories of women who are rekindling their self-worth and sense of purpose beyond their caregiving roles.

This conversation is an invitation to explore the empowerment that comes with self-discovery. I introduce practical tools, like the five pillars to support this life transition, and share details of an upcoming retreat tailored for women seeking inspiration and renewal. Whether you've been a stay-at-home mom, left your career for family, or balanced both, this episode provides an empathetic guide for harnessing personal growth. It's a transformative time that calls for reflection, and together, we'll embrace the next phase of our lives with passion and renewed purpose.

Download your free workbook on the 5 Pillars to Your Overall Well-being.  Click link  https://deborahbigda.com/downloadable-5-pillars-to-well-being 


Please comment on the episodes or connect with me and let me know how this episode has touched your life.

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Transcript

Finding Hope in Midlife Crisis

Speaker 1 0:01

I'm Deborah Big Day , and this is the Restoring Hope podcast , where you can come to discover that , no matter how bleak your situation may seem , you can experience true hope and ultimate health . And I'm not referring to just your physical health . I'm talking about a holistic approach to your health , including your mental , emotional , spiritual and financial health . Join me as I share inspiring stories , incredible guests and tangible actions that will transform you into the healthiest version of you , that version of you that is fully restored and helpful for all that is possible . Good morning to all of you incredible ladies out there . Today's episode is specifically for you and men . If you are joining us , by all means please listen , because there might be something in here of value for your wife or a woman that you know , and pass it along . So today , ladies , we are talking about finding hope in a midlife crisis . Now , the funny thing is this Well , first of all , I'm just going to tell you some of you may not like to hear what I have to say , but I'm going to tell you to hold off judgment , because I think , in the end , you're going to be nodding your heads in agreement with a lot of what I say , even if it might rub you the wrong way just a little bit . So oftentimes I remember growing up and hearing about men having midlife crisis , right , and the classic was , whatever they leave their family , they get divorced , they go out and they buy their sports car and you know they're trying to find themselves , but you never heard of women having a midlife crisis . But I really do believe that , as women , we have some type of midlife crisis , but it looks different , and so I will say you might fall into one of three categories . Now , clearly , this is a bucketing people and there's way more than just these three , but I think of women in general .

Speaker 1 2:03

A lot of women , either , tend to be the type who was always a mom . They never worked outside of the home and I definitely say outside of the home because , as a mom , we work very , very hard inside our homes , so I don't want to ever say like you don't work right , but you're a mom . It was kind of like always your dream to be a mom , always to stay at home . That was always what you just you knew in your heart you wanted to do . You were blessed with a spouse who was able to provide for your family , so you did not have to work outside of your home , and so your job was running the household , taking care of the children , taking care of your husband , and that's all you've ever wanted to do , and you've been able to do that , and it's just incredible because you've blessed your family in so many ways and you have felt very fulfilled .

Speaker 1 2:50

Then you might be the mom who worked right before you got married . Maybe when you first got married , you were already working beforehand . Or you got married and you were working , and maybe you did or did not feel inclined to quit your job when you had children , but ultimately you did . Whether that was like in your dream , like I'm going to work , but as soon as I have kids , I'm going to quit . Or you're like I'm going to work and I'm going to have kids , but I'm going to keep working , but ultimately you ended up leaving your career or your job and staying at home with your children . And then there's the moms who have always worked and they're raising their kids and they're doing both , and beautifully , and maybe sometimes feeling ragged , right . So , whether whatever buckets you fall into , I'm going to say that we all have similarities in our path and the potential for some of these midlife crisis type feelings .

Speaker 1 3:48

So myself personally , I was the crew of Lady . I got my bachelors , I got my masters of science and computer information systems . I was working a very high-profile job at a bank . I was managing a department of over 65 contractors during the Y2K project . Yes , I am totally dating myself here . I was making back then very close to just a tick under six figures , which in the private sector was a lot . Had I gone to the contracting side , I could have made well over six figures .

Speaker 1 4:24

And when I had my first child , my first son in 1999 , I remember going back to work and it was right after the Y2K project and they went back to work and they really had intended to go back to work . I didn't necessarily intend to stay home , but I remember the first day I called my sister , who was watching my son for me , and I heard his like little googly and giggling voice in the background . I literally just broke down in tears and I was like I can't possibly stay here at work , like I just want to be at home , and so I quit my job and I stayed home and it wasn't something that I had ever dreamed of doing . I really I didn't have a strong feeling one way of or the other right , like , oh , I have to stay at home with my kids or I have to stay at work . It just kind of happened and I stayed at home for years . I've raised four children , I've homeschooled all of them and I basically became that mom who was mom first . Right , so I was .

Speaker 1 5:31

What brought this on for this topic today is I was talking with somebody yesterday and she made the comment to me well , I'm mom first and foremost . I am mom and I thought you know so many of us say that and we wear it like a badge of honor . And this is me where . This is where it might rub you the wrong way . We wear this as a badge of honor . I'm mom first . Or some might say I'm wife first , mom second . And what I want to say to you is we are really doing a disservice not only to ourselves but to our children and our husbands when we do that . And here's why , when we say that we are mom first , we are losing our identity . And it may not seem like a big deal while you're in the midst of raising children and in the midst of , you know , carting them from here to there , but at some point . If your identity is wrapped around being mom first or wife first , I promise you you are going to come to a grinding halt . And even if you're not mom first , right , you're the , that woman that basically has worked and raised children . There is very possibly that you're going to be experiencing some of this as well .

Identity Crisis

Speaker 1 6:54

So for myself personally , like I went to full swing of being full time mom . Right , I was homeschooling my kids . I mean , really , you can't get more full time than that . Right , I'm homeschooling my kids . I did all the things of being the mom . Right , I was the baseball team mom . I was a leader at the church for lots of different things . I was a homeschool leader at the homeschool community where my kids were , because there was a part of me that still loved kind of being a leader and maybe you're that person . Are you that person that loves still being a leader ? So , even as a mom , you end up like you're that PTA leader , you're volunteering to be the the room mom at your children's school . Right , you don't have to homeschool your kids to be full swing in . Like you're the team mom , you're the whatever .

Speaker 1 7:43

If your child does dance , you're the one that's always offering to help out wherever it is that your kids are . You're kind of always offering to help out . And let me ask you this , if you can relate to this when you go to introduce yourself hi , I'm Deborah , tommy's mom , right ? Hi , I'm Deborah Sally's mom . Hi , I'm Deborah whatever So-and-so's wife have you ever done that ? You're at your kid's activities and you never say , hi , I'm Deborah , nice to meet you , right ? Instead , you're always introducing yourself as your name and so-and-so's mom , so-and-so's wife , but you've kind of lost your identity for yourself . Can you relate to that ?

Speaker 1 8:31

The problem is , at some point our kids don't need us as much . And I'm telling you this oh my gosh , I never would have expected this to happen , but I remember it was probably about almost about four years ago actually because two of my kids had graduated high school and I had to laugh that I was still homeschooling . The oldest one that I was still homeschooling was just entering high school and my youngest one was just entering middle school . And so we decided to kind of change what we were doing for homeschooling and we had always done some type of hybrid program . But I was very involved in those programs and I was feeling like there was a time for a change . And if we were gonna make a change , this was the perfect time , right ? My oldest two had just I had gotten two completely out of high school . My next one was getting ready to start high school and then my next was going to start middle school . So if you're gonna make a change , now's the time right .

Speaker 1 9:35

Do you ever have that where you're like , if I need to make a change , now's a good time because your kids are changing schools or they've hit a certain age , or like they're finally driving or whatever it is that they've made this , something has happened in your kid's life and you're like this is a perfect time to make a change . If we're gonna make a change , now's the time to do it . Can you relate to that ? So we made this change and in the new hybrid program that we were at , I wasn't a director anymore , which kind of felt weird . And suddenly I was realizing I wasn't homeschooling for kids anymore . I was down to two and they were involved in a program that I wasn't needed as much . And I mean to tell you , for a year , a solid year , I sat around the house and I'm like , what the heck do I do with myself ? I had way more time on my hands than I was accustomed to . It felt weird and awkward and I was busy myself , but I did really feel super fulfilled . Can you relate to that ?

Speaker 1 10:37

So some feelings that you might start to feel like if you're having a quote unquote midlife crisis or you're just suddenly like questioning things , you're having issues with always having been so-and-so's mom or so-and-so's wife and suddenly you realize that that is not . Yes , I will always be my kids' moms . Yes , I will always be a wife to my husband , but that is not the only person that I am . And as my kids get older and they don't need me as much if I don't have my own identity , then they feel very lost . And that's not to me to say that I'm not there for my children . I still help my college kids out a lot my high schoolers now they're both in high school . My one is getting ready to graduate and my youngest just started high school , and so , yes , I'm still very much involved in their life . But it's not the day-to-day where it's like eight to 10 hours a day that I need to be in there , or else they're gonna be like I don't wanna say falling apart at the seams but like they're not gonna be able to function , they're not gonna get their schoolwork done . They are very independent people .

Speaker 1 11:44

And here's the thing , ladies , our job and men out there too our job as parents is to raise our children into functioning adults that can survive on their own not only survive , but thrive . That can be adding value to our society , right . That can go out on their own , be independent , be secure in their values so that if they're ever faced up against values that maybe differ from yours , that they feel very sound in what they believe in . That is our job . So , literally , your job as a parent is to basically displace yourself . Okay , I know that may sound so weird , but if you do not displace yourself as a parent , then you haven't necessarily done the job and that's not a knock .

Speaker 1 12:46

I realize that there's definitely , you know , situations where you may have a child that has special needs , and so in those cases you may always be that parent , right . But in general , what I'm saying is our job in general is basically to put ourselves out of work , to put ourselves out of being that full-time mom , and 100% . You're always going to be there . Your children will hopefully always come back to you as they grow older and be like , hey , I'd love some advice on this , hey , I'd love some insight on this . Right , we definitely want them to come back to us so that they know that we are a trusted source , trusted sounding board for them , that we're never just like launching them out and saying I'll see you later , don't come back here . Right , that's not it at all . But our job is basically to displace ourselves from needing that job .

Speaker 1 13:42

But when that happens , you may suddenly feel very lost . If you have not maintained your identity , if the entire time you have always been , my job is mom first , when you displace yourself , I promise you it is going to hurt . Okay , because that is what happened to me the first year and I was just like , oh my gosh , this is miserable . So if you're suddenly feeling old , or you're maybe like not caring about how you look , right , you get up in the morning , you're like I don't care if I brush my hair , I don't care if I style it , I don't need any makeup , you know , whatever , I don't care what I'm wearing , you might have a sudden , really big sense of loss . Right , you might be bored or feel unfulfilled . You might not be sleeping through the night .

Speaker 1 14:30

Opportunities might be coming your way and you might be turning them down , or you could be making really rushed decisions . You might be asking yourself some deep questions like is this all there is to life ? Like what is my purpose ? Who can I even help ? What good is it that I'm here ? Like why am I here ? I'm doing nothing , I'm not helping anybody . What is my purpose ? Is this all there is to life ? Do I have anything to look forward to ?

Speaker 1 15:00

You might suddenly start having unusual pains , such as headaches or GI issues , without any real physical reason for them . Suddenly , you just always got on that upset stomach or you're constipated , have diarrhea , like just whatever . Feel bloated . You've got headaches . They come and go or they're migraines . Sometimes these can be related to a lot of emotional or mental stress . Or you just can't become apathetic , like you've lost interest or enthusiasm , especially in things that maybe once interested you , or you find that you're gaining or losing weight .

Speaker 1 15:39

So now , if you're young and you're listening to this , I encourage you make sure you maintain your identity as your own self and this is not a selfish act . I promise you this is absolutely not selfish , but it is so important to do . But if you're older and you're finding that you're experiencing any of these symptoms , or you're like shaking your head and you're like , oh my gosh , deb , you have so called me out . Like this is exactly me , like I was mom first and my kids are getting older and some might have even like starting to fly the nest right . You're on your way to becoming that empty nester , or you can kind of see the future coming right . Or maybe you're just to the point where your kids are in middle school and they're just starting to go into high school , and so you might just be starting to feel what it is that I'm talking about .

Speaker 1 16:31

I want to tell you that you don't have to go through that midlife crisis . You don't need to like walk away from the family and be like go buy that sports car and , in general , like that's not necessarily what women did and I'm not knocking men right . These are definitely big stereotypes . I remember growing up and if a guy would buy a sports car , goodness gracious , like it was almost immediately , oh , he must be going through a midlife crisis . Guy couldn't even just enjoy a sports car if he was , you know , over 30 without somebody saying , oh , he must be having a midlife crisis . No , maybe he isn't . Maybe he's like totally enjoying life and just wanted to buy a sports car , right , but it was almost immediately equated with having this midlife crisis .

Speaker 1 17:12

So what I want to do is tell you that , if you're feeling this , if you're feeling like you don't have this sense of identity , I like to tell people to look inward , to your five pillars of well-being . Now , I talk about this a lot . I talk about your emotional , spiritual , mental , physical and financial health , and in each one of these pillars , I like to have you , like , really dig into some questions . These are some of these probing questions . It's to find out within yourself what is it ? Where is it that you're lacking ? Where are some areas that , if you work on just one little area , you might suddenly start to have ? Like , this purpose and this passion and this vibrancy Come back to life .

Speaker 1 17:59

Because here's the deal , ladies If you are filled with purpose and you are filled with passion and you are filled with vibrancy , I promise you that your role as mom and your role as wife will be so amazing . Your kids and your husband are going to feel like you love them so much , like you love them so much , and it's not because you have totally lost yourself and put yourself on the back burner and you're just catering to their every need . No , it is because you know who you are deep inside and you feel such purpose and such passion and such vibrancy that when you go to them and you're helping with them with things , you're just like exuding joy , exuding hope , exuding a vibrancy and that , that , my ladies , is contagious . But when we hide our identity and we're just mom first or just wife first and mind you , ladies , if you are the lady staying at home I am not at all degrading the fact that you're staying at home , hello , I've done that for many , many , many , many years okay , but what I'm saying is by just mom , it means that you've lost your identity to yourself . Just wife means that you've lost your identity to yourself . It doesn't play down the importance of your role as mom or your role as wife , right , those are very , very important roles . But we have to maintain our own identity as well , because when we do that , our passion and that purpose oh my gosh , and the vibrancy , it is literally so contagious . So if you are feeling it all like , hmm , you've spoken to my heart , deb , maybe I kind of forgot who I am , or you know what . I'm not quite to the point yet where I feel like I'm lost . But wow , I really have focused totally on my kids . I really have focused totally on being a wife and I haven't found what is it that makes me thrive . Now I'm gonna tell you . Some of you are gonna say it's my kids that make me thrive . And yes , I hear you .

Finding Purpose After Homeschooling Journey

Speaker 1 20:26

I've homeschooled four children all the way through high school , which means at this point I've been homeschooling for 20 plus years . I have not worked outside of the house for 20 plus years . In the past six years I have started to have a business at home and it was probably about in the beginning it was kind of like hobby sort of thing , right , because , again , I was definitely mom first , right , put my kids first in front of everything . And then it all came to like that screeching halt when suddenly I was like , oh my gosh , my kids do not need me full time anymore . Who am I ? What am I Like ? What am I doing ? What is my purpose Like ? What am I gonna do with my days if I'm not sitting here homeschooling my kids and taking them to other activities ? Because , guess what , most of them drive now so they don't really need me at their activities . And , yes , I will definitely still come to like when they were playing baseball . Definitely , we still come watch them play baseball . And yes , I definitely go still watch my son during his powerlifting meets and my daughter all of her competitions . But I don't have to actually sit at the dance studio every second that she's at practice , like I would do when my kids were younger , right , and so you suddenly realize that your purpose and your identity is just kind of like disappearing and your kids are thriving and you may not be , and so what I wanna do is help you not have that happen . So if you have not downloaded yet my five pillars , it's a free , it's a freebie on my website . I highly encourage you to go grab that Also .

Speaker 1 22:11

Ladies , ladies , ladies , ladies , I'm having a women's retreat where we literally dive deep into this . I promise you you will walk away from that retreat feeling so filled with passion and hopeful and just have such an incredible outlook on life . The last retreat I hosted , the women walked away realizing what it was that God had been placing on their heart , that they'd kind of been bearing . And not only are they still incredible moms , because several of them homeschool or stay at home , you know , full time . Some of them definitely work full time , but they have more hope , more passion , more vibrancy , more purpose , and that , ladies , is what I want for you . So you can check out the women's retreat , send a little link to get some more information and download that wellbeing . I'm gonna be doing some coaching , where we can do deep dives in this as well .

Speaker 1 23:15

But please , ladies , share this episode with somebody that you know . We all know some women in our lives that could benefit from feeling that vibrancy , benefit from feeling that passion , benefit from feeling that purpose . Please , do yourselves , your friends , a favor . Share this episode with them . Like it , leave me a comment , leave a review that helps other people find it and , you know , send me an email . Let me know what you loved about this episode . I am all about helping you to live life full of passion , purpose and vibrancy .

Speaker 1 23:54

Ladies , you have an amazing day and I look forward to hearing from you . Thank you for joining us today on the Restoring Hope podcast with your host , me , deborah Bigdown . It would mean the world to me if you'd like and subscribe to this podcast . Share it with your family and friends , those that you think might benefit from what it is that we've shared today . Follow me on Instagram and Facebook . Check out my website . The link is listed below . My prayer for you , my friends , is that you are able to lean into the person that God has truly designed you to be , restoring hope for both yourself and all of those around you . Until next week , have an amazing day . Love you all . Can't wait to chat next week .