Adaptive Listening for Nonverbal Children with Autism

In this episode of the Autism Labs Podcast, Mike shares how “adaptive listening” has transformed the way he connects with his nonverbal son, emphasizing that listening is far more than hearing words. For children with limited speech, communication includes facial expressions, body language, tone, pacing, and silence — and when parents learn to slow down and truly observe, anxiety decreases and trust grows. Drawing from Adaptive Listening, he explains four listening modes — support, immerse, advance, and discern — and how many communication breakdowns happen not because we aren’t listening, but because we’re using the wrong listening style for the moment. Through a real-life example with his son Michael, he shows how pausing, regulating himself first, and adjusting his tone helped turn frustration into joy and connection. 

The core takeaway: You don’t need perfect words to build progress — you need intentional listening, one breath and one pause at a time.

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Transcript

Mike Carr (00:04):

Hi guys. Welcome to the Autism Labs Podcast. Today, I want to share something that has helped me a lot as a dad. And that's how to listen better to your child who may be nonverbal or has limited speech. Now, I don't mean listen as in hear sounds. I mean the kind of listening that reduces anxiety, helps your child feel understood, calms the moment and honestly brings more joy to both of you. Now, this episode was inspired by a TED Talk that I listened to the other day and a book by Maegan Stephens and Nicole Lowenbraun. The book is titled Adaptive Listening: How to Cultivate Trust and Traction At Work. Now, they built this model in this book really for adult communication, but the core ideas translate beautifully into parenting, especially when communication's hard. Because when your child doesn't have reliable words, listening becomes bigger than language.

(01:02):

It becomes facial expressions, body language, gestures, pacing, tone of voice. And yes, even silence. Listening is intentional. It's work. It's a skill. And it's also one of the most powerful tools we have to help our kids feel safe and manage their anxiety. In a second, I want you to watch a short clip of our son, Michael. He's nonverbal and he's communicating with his speech therapist using TouchChat on his iPad. As you watch, don't only listen to the device, but watch Michael. Watch his face, watch how he tracks his therapist, how he processes what she's saying, how long it takes him to process what she's saying, how he responds to choices, and how the therapist prompts without rushing him. Hamburger. Hamburger. Yes, yes, yes, not available.

Therapist (02:00):

Good job, Michael. Nice putting the amburger together. I'll play again. Do you want more or done? Finished. Finished with that one? Something different? Excuse me. Finished. Okay. Where does the hamburger go? Lady log. Away. All right. I'll take order five. Away. It's away. What would you like to do next? I want pop the pig. Not available. We can play something different. I want ... I want puzzle. We did that already. How about catch the box? Fuzzy ball. Pop the pig. Now,

Mike Carr (03:10):

Did you notice something important? Michael's given choices. He initially goes toward what he wants, of course, and not what the therapist is aiming for. But with the right support and prompting, you can see him adjust and make a different choice several times. Now, if you're thinking, "Well, my child isn't like Michael. My child ignores me, maybe melts down, screams, or gets aggressive when things don't go his or her way." And believe me guys, I get it. Michael used to do that too, and honestly, he still does. Sometimes, especially when dear old dad is tired and dad's voice is not exactly calm or quiet or regulated. Because here's the truth. Sometimes our kids aren't the only ones who need help regulating. Sometimes the first person who needs to calm down for effective communication is me or you. In the interaction you just saw, that didn't happen overnight.

(04:05):

That's years of therapy, years of practice, and years of small wins. So before we go deeper, let's zoom out to something basic. What are you trying to accomplish when you want to communicate with your child? Now, for us, for K and me, it's often about improving communication with Michael in the most practical sense. It's just a simple exchange of information. I'm trying to understand you. I'm trying to help you be understood without either of us falling apart in the process. And that's where adaptive listening clicked for me. The big idea in this book, there isn't one way to listen. There are four ways to listen. And Maegan and Nicole's research has shown that a lot of breakdowns happen, not because people aren't listening, but because they're listening in the wrong way for what the speaker needs. So they have this simple model they call said S-A-I-D.

(04:58):

And it relates to the four different listening modes. So think about, as I described these, which one may be best fits you. So there's support, there's advance, there's immerse, and there's a discern. And here's the key. You and I tend to have that default style, what we naturally do without thinking. But the when is learning to pause and ask the simple question, "What is the other person trying to communicate to me right now?" And when your listening style matches the other person's need, trust builds faster and communication moves forward. Now let's translate that into parenting, especially with kids who are limited verbal or nonverbal. So to do that, think about what type of listener you might be. So for support listening, support listening says, "I'm here, you're safe, and I get that this is hard." This is emotional validation. And with our kids, especially when they're dysregulated, support often has to come before any problem solving.

(05:56):

Support listening looks like staying physically present without crowding, a calm voice, a soft face, patient pacing, mirroring a gesture or a rhythm, and letting them feel what they feel without you trying to fix it instantly. Sometimes support listening is literally sitting nearby, saying very little and just not making things worse. Okay. So number two, you maybe hear more about immerse listening. Immerse listening says, "I'm going to fully take you in. " This is when your child is trying to communicate and need you to slow down, watch the non-verbal cues. Let them finish and take in the whole message, not just a piece of it. If your child is slow to respond, repeats or struggles to get the message out, immerse listening is you showing them, "I'm not rushing you. Michael, I'm staying with you. " Now number three is advanced listening. This is my personal preference, but it's got some problems.

(06:59):

Advanced listening says, "Let's move forward. What's the next step?" This is the part of me that shows up as the dad and thinks, "Okay, let's solve it. Let's fix it. Let's get you unstuck." Advanced listening can be great, but it can also be the fastest way to accidentally escalating a situation, especially if your child just needs support or immersion first. So if you're an advanced listening person, the practice is slow it down. Match the moment. And four, the last type of listening is discern listening. Discerned listening says, "Let's evaluate this carefully." This is when your child needs you to make sense of conflicting signals, separate noise from meaning, notice all the patterns, and sometimes help clarify what's being communicated. Discern listening can be helpful when the output from the iPad doesn't match the body language. The head nod doesn't line up with the behavior, or you're trying to safely interpret what they want.

(08:02):

So let me give you a real example with our son. He was pounding the iPad the other day and he's going to break it, so I had to grab it away from him. And then he stood right in front of me and he started talking very loudly and very intensely. And I could see the frustration on his face. He kept repeating words that only he understood. And then to make things even more confusing, he would shake his head no when I knew, or at least I thought, he really meant yes. So what happened was Wii went into a room where we have the Wii, the Wii gaming console set up. He turned on all the lights. And so I thought, well, he probably wants to play the Wii. So I said, Michael, do you want to play the Wii? So how's he shake his head?

(08:40):

I'm thinking, I don't think he really means no, even as though that's the way he's shaking his head. So not the clearest message, but I paused. I did a little bit of that discern listening and that immersed listening together. And I looked at the context, I looked at his energy, where he is, what he just set up. And then I tried something again differently. The same question, but slower with a little more warmth and enthusiasm in my voice. Michael, do you want to play the Wii? And then I got a yes. And when I finally turned on the Wii and handed the controller to him, he giggled. He even started laughing. And it's not just yay Wii. This is all something deeper than that. It's about the joy that he felt when he realized you got me, dad. I got through. I told you something even though I can't talk and you understood.

(09:34):

So here's what I want to leave you with. If communication feels impossible right now, if it feels like your child is unreachable, please hear me. You don't need perfect words to build connection. You need better listening and better listening isn't mystical or magical. It's actually learnable. It starts with one pause, one breath, one question. What does my child need from me right now? Sometimes the answer is support. Sometimes it's immersion. Sometimes it's discernment. And sometimes once they're ready, it's helping them advance to the next step. And over time, those moments add up. And one day you may find yourself ending the night with a happy kid hopping into bed, still giggling because they felt understood. And you'll realize that wasn't just a fun moment. That baby was communication. That was trust. That was progress. So if this episode helped you, I ask you to maybe share it with another parent who needs hope, who's struggling, or if you want, message me.

(10:43):

Let me know what piece of this episode helped or what you didn't agree with. See you next time. Have a wonderful, wonderful week.