Life Through a Queer Lens
Welcome to the Life Through a Queer Lens Podcast, where anyone with an open mind and heart can learn about the LGBTQIA+ Community from the people within it! We're your hosts, Jenene (she/her, they/them) and Kit (they/them).
Life Through a Queer Lens
EP66: Love and Stone; Buried Queer esp Trans & Gender Non-Conforming Folx
Death comes for us all, but as queer people we must take extra steps to ensure our identities are respected after we pass. This episode explores end-of-life planning specifically for LGBTQIA+ individuals with practical guidance on protecting your identity in death.
• Iconic LGBTQIA+ graves including Leonard Malkovich's Gay Vietnam Veterans Memorial and Patricia Cronin's "Memorial to Marriage"
• The formation of the "Gay Corner" in Congressional Cemetery in Washington DC
• Step-by-step instructions for creating an advanced directive (living will)
• How to designate a healthcare proxy and funeral agent who will respect your identity
• The importance of sharing your end-of-life plans with multiple trusted people
• Resources for finding LGBTQIA+ friendly funeral homes and services
• Common questions about dying queer answered by lawyers and funeral professionals
• Tips for ensuring your correct name and gender identity are honored regardless of legal documentation
Make a day of end-of-life planning with your queer friends - gather together, have some drinks, watch movies, and complete these important documents. All the resources mentioned are available for free through our link tree under "End of Life Planning."
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Today's episode is going to be all about how to ensure that you as a queer, specifically trans, person, are buried properly, you are remembered properly under the right name, buried in the proper clothing, that your gender identity is respected in death, right, especially in death, I mean, obviously. I could go on and on about the fact that, like people always get more flowers when they're dead than they ever did when they're alive and that in and of itself is a crime. Like we need to be caring for each other when we're alive. You know more when that our trans siblings are buried under the proper name and such. If their tombstone is wrong, the vandalization of those tombstones so that they can be changed or so that they are changed through vandalization. While we all know that history exists, it would take like a districtation's level of research in order to find it, like I'm talking like archived newspapers levels of research in order to find it in I say preliminary search, but it was probably about two hours of scouring the internet outside of like going through newspaper archives, just looking for instances of queer grave vandalization that weren't homophobic in nature. The only ones I could find were homophobic in nature. The only ones I could find were homophobic in nature. I hope at some point, to be able to do some type of research around the topic of queer grave vandalization in the name of righteous justice, if you will. But as of now, that is something that is a little bit down the line. So, like, stay tuned, y'all, because that's probably coming from me at some point at least. Even if it doesn't end up in an episode, I'll probably end up like posting or publishing something along those lines because that fascinates me. But instead, what we are going to do is go through a little bit of the absolutely sacred and storied history of LGBTQIA plus activists, creatives and intellectuals, designing their graves specifically so they will be remembered as visibly queer in life and in death. So, yeah, we're going to start by discussing some of these stunningly queer graves before giving you all some of the resources and tips to ensure you are buried under the name you know to be yours. So yeah, let's dive in.
Speaker 1:In the Congressional Cemetery in Washington DC, there might be the most well-known LGBTQIA plus grave in America, now known to be the Gay Vietnam Veterans Memorial, signified by the tombstone for Leonard Malkovich, as quoted from TalkDeath's website article called Rainbows. In the Cemetery, he chose reflective black granite to resemble the Vietnam veterans memorial wall. He placed pink triangles on the monument side by side. The first triangle is right side up, a symbol worn by homosexuals in Nazi concentration camps during World War II. The second is inverted and is a symbol of the gay liberation movement, a movement that sought out equal and fair recognition politically, legally and culturally. These symbols are enhanced with the phrases "'Never again' and "'Never forget'" engraved below each respectively. Instead of emblazoning it with his own name, he chose a more inclusive phrase "'A gay Vietnam veteran? Most striking of all is the epitaph when I was in the military, they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one.
Speaker 1:So any fellow Tumblrites, any fellow Tumblr refugees from the 2010s out there in our audience may remember this grave. The image of this grave went massively viral on Tumblr. It was all over that website in the early 2010s. I remember there even being like a Facebook post where it was like a screenshot of the Tumblr post about that grave. On Facebook. That grave is Leonard Malkovich's. Leonard Malkovich is an activist who we could again do an entire episode about, and if that is something that interests you, please let us know, either in the Spotify comments down below or through the suggestion in the, I believe, first or second link at the link tree, either down below or in the bios of any of our social medias which are also in that link tree. Okay, okay, got to plug all my shit while I can.
Speaker 1:In the years since LGBTQIA plus, veterans, artists and activists have followed Malkovich's lead, buried all over the Congressional Cemetery, with nine buried in what has colloquially become known as the Gay Corner, and designing their headstones to highlight their identities and relationships. This includes a familiar name to the podcast, frank Kamney, whose grave marker reads so yeah, if you guys have been listening for a while, you probably recognize Mr Frank Kamney's name as being involved heavily in the de-stigmatization of gayness, of queerness as a mental illness, the de-labeling of queerness as a mental illness within the DSM, different gay rights organizations at the time, and I believe, had a hand in starting the LGBTQ task force, but I might be mistaken there. But yeah, he's been mentioned multiple times in past episodes. So you know, go through our catalog and give it a listen if that name isn't ringing any bells. And another grave we have is known as the memorial to marriage.
Speaker 1:In woodlawn cemetery in bronx, new york, stands a grave designed in 2002 by queer artist patricia cronin to memorialize her and her partner's story as same-sex lovers in marriage not allowed to be wed because at that time, gay marriage was not legal. As as Cronin said in an interview that was quoted from the same Death Talks article as above, my partner and I cannot get married. We have wills, healthcare proxies, powers of attorney and all of the legal forms one can have, but they all pertain to what happens if one of us should become incapacitated or die. It's not about our life together, it's about the end of it. So I thought what I can't have in life, I will have forever in death. That's really beautiful, obviously, since gay marriage has been legalized it was legalized in 2015 in the Supreme Court decision. O Berger felt. But you know, things can happen, things are happening all the time and that's a really, really beautiful, everlasting tribute to their life together. I recommend looking up the grave Again. It's called A Memorial to marriage. I heavily recommend googling it to see images of it and if you get the chance to visit Woodlawn Cemetery in the Bronx, new York, go take a look at it because it's right there.
Speaker 1:Okay, everyone buckle in, buckle them. Seat belts get strapped in, put on youraster seats, get your harnesses on. We're getting into the heavy stuff now. Now we're getting into what everyone needs to be doing if they are at all concerned about not being buried under the right name within the right clothing, anything like that, okay. Okay, take out your notebooks, anything that I'm mentioning.
Speaker 1:We will have so many link trees in our bio when this episode goes up. It's not even funny. I'm going to have an entire little link tree island in link tree. It's going going to be the second thing down after finding our podcast and episode suggestions. It'll be that first thing and it's a bunch of different links from today's episode. It's more information, it's videos, it's places to actually get this paperwork from for free for your state. You know like we got the resources and they're all going to be right down there at the link tree. In the description it literally says, for the link tree, click here and you just click there and it'll take you there and head there and fill that stuff out, because this is our last line of defense, as many other legal protections get shipped away around us. Seriously, we have done everything we can. Specifically, I am the researcher. Hello, I've done everything I can to put all of this information in one place for you to be able to learn from, to be able to fill out and get the power that you need to be able to control what happens to you in death. It's all right there. Please go do it. All right.
Speaker 1:So the first step for everyone should be obtaining an advanced directive, which is a document that allows you to decide what happens if you cannot make decisions about your medical care or after your passing. These are also known as living wills, advanced health care directives, personal directives, personal wish statements, medical directives or life-prolonging treatment forms. Again, it is known as an advanced directive, but it has other names. Through CAKE, which will be available right down there at the link tree in our bio, you can find all the forms you need for your state for free. This service is offering that specifically to help queer people be able to be buried properly. They are offering this for free. Head right down there, please, guys.
Speaker 1:The second step is designating a healthcare proxy. This is someone you trust to make medical decisions for you if you are incapable of making them for yourself. This may be a part of your advanced directive, depending on the state you live in. Again, all of that will be available right down there, where you can select which state you live in and it will tell you exactly which forms are available for that state. You know, like, what you need to fill out for the state you live in. For some states you need a medical proxy for your advanced directives, For others you don't. But either way, having a medical proxy is a good idea. But, either way, having a medical proxy is a good idea.
Speaker 1:Okay, a medical proxy is also known as a medical power of attorney, a healthcare power of attorney, a healthcare agent, a healthcare surrogate, a healthcare representative or a healthcare attorney in fact. Okay, choosing this person won't be easy and you may be struggling to think of anyone in your life you can trust like that. Again, at the link tree in our bio, there will be a short video from the conversation project to help you figure out who might be the best fit and options you have. If you can think of no one to fit that role, okay, right down there, conversation project. Once you have your person, you have to speak with them, gain consent and discuss your wishes. Along with the short video, there will be a PDF file, again in the link tree, all about choosing your person and having the necessary conversations. They're hard conversations, but they are necessary. If you need help having them and if you need help figuring out that person, go to the link tree. For the love of God, I have done everything I can.
Speaker 1:The third step also frequently a part of filling out your advanced directive again depending on the state you live in is designating a funeral agent or the person who will make choices for your funeral, also known as a personal preference law for body disposition or an appointment of agent to control disposition of remains. Talk about a fucking mouthful, holy shit. Okay, are we all still on the same page? Are we all still falling along? I get this is a lot. This is a very information-heavy episode, but again, it is needed information. We want you all to have it. That's why I did this. I didn't do this for my health. I didn't this for my health. I didn't Trust me. Trust me, this research was exhausting. I did not do this for my health. Okay, I did this for y'all. So please use the resources I have provided you at that link tree.
Speaker 1:In most places and in most US states, the person assigned as your health care proxy will also be your funeral agent, making them responsible for how to handle your body after death burial or cremation, whether to hold a funeral or memorial service, whether your funeral follows religious or cultural customs, where all services take place, how you will look, be named and be remembered at your funeral, viewing and burial, should you choose to have one. In most US states, in most places and US states, your healthcare proxy and your funeral agent are the same person. Pick a safe person, please. If you would like them to be two different people, I believe there is a way to do that Again, but I am not 100% sure. Don't quote me on that. Some places require that your advanced directives list your funeral agents, while others have a separate appointment of agent to control dispositions of remains forms. So there we go. I literally just had to keep reading Story of my fucking life appointment of agent to control dispositions of remains forms. So there we go it was. I literally just had to keep reading story of my fucking life. So some places will require in your advanced directive that your funeral agent be listed as either separate or the same as your healthcare proxy, whereas in other places there is a separate form. And again, all of that's through cake. Ake, has that they got that. Okay, they got that and they are offering it for free for queer people and for anyone genuinely. But they specifically started, you know, keeping all this together so that queer people could be sure they're buried under the right name, and I believe they're also just an in general like death service, which is very cool. So if you have any end of life support needs that you are looking into, I also just recommend cake in general for that.
Speaker 1:Some places are not bound by law to recognize the authority of your funeral agent or healthcare proxy, which is why an advanced directive is so vital. Having it in writing is needed. So some states even if you designate these people, if you don't have an advanced directive in writing, designating those people doesn't mean shit. They won't listen to them. So you have to make sure you have an advanced directive in writing, as well as having a healthcare proxy and or funeral agent. They could be the same person. Get it in writing. Get it in writing. Get it in writing. Get it in writing. Get it in writing. If there is one thing you walk away from this episode having learned, it's get it in writing. Okay, also, at the link tree in our bio will be a list of how each us state handles personal preferences for body disposition. That'll also be down there. There's a link that that, if you go to it, shows you how each state prefers that you handle this shit.
Speaker 1:I've experienced death. I have been around death. It's not easy to talk about, but it is necessary. It is the one unifying factor that every single living thing on this planet has in common From the smallest bug, from the smallest bacteria, from the smallest amoeba to the largest tree, we all die. So it is really important to have your shit in order before that happens.
Speaker 1:Because spoiler alert, guys we aren't promised anything. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed, next week isn't promised to you. Next year isn't promised to us, next year isn't promised to us. Figure this shit out now. It's free. I'm going to be doing this too. I'm actually going to be volunteering at a local queer center. Anyone who's there, who's listening to this? Hey y'all, I plan on bringing this information to them and making all of my people fill it out, making sure all of my people have their death shit in order, because what Nothing is guaranteed Tomorrow is not promised. Get your shit in order. I'll step off my soapbox now and leave it off to the side for later, because, lord knows, I'm gonna be on it again. It's my podcast. I do what I want. I hope you guys know I hated myself for that just as much as you guys probably hate me for that. It was cringe to the max. But to be cringe is to be free, and if there's one thing I am, it's free. Baby Eagle, call Um. And if there's one thing I am, it's free, baby Eagle, call.
Speaker 1:Step four is sharing your end-of-life plans with people in your community or those close to you that you trust, not just your healthcare proxy and or funeral agent. And again I say and or. Just because they might be the same person, there's a good chance they're the same bitch. That's the only reason I say and or. If they're two separate people, both of them need to know, and more than them should know. Let some people in your community know what you want for yourself after your passing, how you wish to be remembered For yourself After your passing, how you wish to be remembered. That's important. And it's important that More than a few people are aware of what to do so that when the time comes Because again, it's not an if the great unifier Comes for us all, when that time comes, more than a few people, more than even just one person Because it might just be one person is aware, because that's a lot for one person to keep track of. So share it with a couple of other people. Keep it in your diary, make sure that this is something that is known in multiple ways, in multiple places via an advanced directive, via your healthcare proxy and funeral agent, and via a couple members of your community, and maybe just like a journal of some kind. So it's at another place in writing. Love you guys.
Speaker 1:I want you guys to be remembered how you want to be remembered. I mean, not even six months ago, I believe, we were talking about Venus Extravaganza and how her tombstone, 30 years after her death, is only just now being changed to reflect her true name, her true identity. 30 years she had to wait. No one should have to go through that. So no one's queer family should have to go through witnessing that because of someone's biological family's inability to grow and learn before that much time has passed. Not to say that they have never grown and learned, but a lot of time and pain had to happen for that to happen. So you know, just keep all this in mind, regardless of where you live.
Speaker 1:I know this is a lot, but I need you all to do it. Get together with your friends and make a day of it. Like I said that, that's what I'm going to do with the people down at Triversity. I'm going to make a fucking day of it. We're going to make a day of just what bitch we're making living wills. Make a day of it. Get your queer friends together, have a fun time. You know, every resource we have provided is free and as streamlined as possible.
Speaker 1:These links will be in a collection in our link tree under the label end of life planning, right under the link for sending an episode suggestions. So that's where it is. It is in our link tree, right under the link for sending an episode suggestions, which you guys can use to let us know if you want an episode about Leonard Malkovich. Right underneath that there is a link island, a whole group of links called End of Life Planning. All of these are going to be in there. Please get your gaze, get your girls' gaze and bays together for a day, for a sleepover, for a fun time, make some mixed drinks, watch some funny movies and have end-of-life planning.
Speaker 1:I know it's scary, I know it sucks, but this is the great equalizer that is eventually coming for us all and it is really important you have your shit in order when it comes for you. Okay, my dad didn't think he was going to die at 41. Even when he got diagnosed with cancer for a third time, he didn't think he was gonna die. And I would say his end of life stuff wasn't exactly really planned all that well and it wasn't great for everyone else involved. So you know, I had grandparents that didn't really you, you know think they were going to die and then they did, and then their end of life planning was a living nightmare.
Speaker 1:Please, guys, just make things so much easier on not just yourself but on the people that you will be leaving behind, on the memory of yourself, so you can be sure you're remembered the way that you deserve to be remembered. Get it in writing, get this shit handled. It's right down there, super easy. One, two, three done, all righty, we're hitting the end of the episode. Y'all. That was a lot. Take some deep breaths. Instead of an interesting fact, we're going to be doing a quick Q&A of common questions about dying queer asked to lawyers, death experts and cemetery workers. The full article that this Q&A comes from is also available through a link within one of the links in our bio one of the links in our bio. So once you get to I can't remember, I think it was the death cult. I believe this is available on their website and it's through their link that you can find this Q&A.
Speaker 1:Can you have a different name on your grave than your legal name? Many US cemeteries are privately owned and have their own set of rules, usually around plot and grave size or material of grave marker rather than names. Many get buried under nicknames, so this shouldn't be an issue unless the cemetery you wish to be buried in is associated with a religious organization or church. Ask the cemetery for a copy of their rules and regulations if you are unsure. That's another thing where it's like, if there's one thing you take away from today, it's that too. Let's get it in writing, and it's this if you're not sure about grave markers, things like that at the cemetery that you want to be buried at, ask for a list of the cemetery rules and if you're being disrespected, fucking leave. Go somewhere else. You don't have to be there.
Speaker 1:Can an honorably discharged lgbtqia plus veterans be buried with a veteran ceremony and cemetery. Yes, at the same time, some states, like rhode island and new york, passed laws to restore benefits and burial rights to veterans dishonorably discharged for being LGBTQ. So look into that. If you or a loved one were in the military and were dishonorably discharged for being LGBTQ specifically a loved one in this case scenario, because they would have passed on. But if they have passed on and they're buried in one of these states that has these laws, look into that. Look and look seriously. Look into that. You might be able to. To get that shit fixed. Fucking finally, do any lgbtq plus cemeteries exist? We already spoke about the gay corner within the congressional cemetery and LGBTQIA plus artists and activists who designed their graves with identity in mind. But in 2014 in Berlin, germany opened the first lesbian cemetery, which is awesome. The website find a grave has a section known as over the rainbow which, according to find a grave, is dedicated to the memory of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people who have touched our lives. So that's pretty cool.
Speaker 1:Can I have a lawyer release my own pre-written obituary instead of relying on family or next of kin? Absolutely, instead of relying on family or next of kin, absolutely. You can write your own obituary and many find it an empowering process to do so. You can get a lawyer to publish your obituary a designated partner or a trusted friend the choice is yours. So you don't even have to get a lawyer to do that, like you can just get someone you trust to make sure that happens after your passing. You can just get someone you trust to make sure that happens after your passing.
Speaker 1:Can you change the gender of someone on their death certificate if their ID hasn't been changed but it was intended? This is where things get complicated. The consensus seems to be maybe, but probably not. It depends on the state, and while some states are doing their best to properly record the identities of those who have passed, it is often a flawed process. So it's unfortunate, and again, there are states who are genuinely trying their best to make sure that their records are proper, but it is a flawed and arduous process. What happens if you die in a state or under an administration that does not recognize your gender mark? Unfortunately, all legal documents surrounding your death would have to comply with state or federal expectations.
Speaker 1:However, according to Ezra Slater, a funeral director, regardless of state, a person can be memorialized in any way they want. This means that the next of kin should expect the funeral home to use the deceased's correct name and pronouns when speaking about them in the obituary, on the grave marker or any other form of memorialization, regardless of what is listed on legal documentation. Next of kin should make their expectations very clear to whomever they are working with at the funeral home, and shouldn't be afraid to speak up if their wishes are not being respected. What are funeral homes doing to be inclusive? According to to many, not much of anything, though. Everyone should be treated with the same dignity and respect, and if you aren't, go somewhere else. The reason I didn't pause between those two is because, yeah, so if your legal documents have not been changed, but your next of kin is very clear with the funeral home about who you were in life, even though it was not represented legally, and the funeral home is just not respecting it, fucking walk out, go somewhere else. You are not beholden to a funeral home period. You deserve respect in your time of grieving and if you are not getting that, leave, tell them to kick rocks.
Speaker 1:What resources are there out there for LGBTQ plus death besides trans death care? That's that's. They're in the link, they're in the. They're down there. Trans death care is down there, so check that out too. For one, check out trans death care, because it is a very helpful resource, but there are other options. Gaypagescom has an LGBTQ plus friendly funeral home directory on its website. The National Center for Lesbian Rights has put together information so you can protect yourself and your loved ones in the event of illness, disability or death. Sage has a list of hospices that have received training on issues related to the queer community, and the National Resource Center on LGBTQ Aging has a wealth of information and support. So, again, I'm going to list those resources again, because I don't think I put all of those down there, because that would just be way too much. Sorry, but look into these also, because these are secondary other resources. I think the gay pages one might be down there, but if it's not here, they are Trans Death Care. Three words Gaypagescom, the National Center for Lesbian Rights, sage, s-a-g-e and, lastly, the national resource center on lgbt aging. So, yeah, go check those out, go check out the links down there.
Speaker 1:Make sure that you have all your shit in order, have it in writing, get an advanced directive. Girly pops, please again, make a day of it, have fun with it, because this is a really shitty thing. But we can make death a little bit better, a little bit easier, if we prepare for it properly, if we acknowledge that, no matter what we try to do, it is coming and the only thing we can do is make sure we prepare for it properly. Having things like that, preparing for it properly, it can provide some peace around the idea of death. Death doesn't have to be scary Again. It happens to everything. So you know, have a day of it. Get your gal pals together, get your guy friends together, make advanced directives, assign healthcare proxies, assign funeral agents. Have fun with it. I love y'all. Stay safe, stay queer you.