Your past is your start, not your sentence

Chapters

• 0:00 Year-End Reflections & Mission
• 3:00 Change Starts With Your Circle
• 6:30 Imperfection, Agency, and Accountability
• 10:50 Past vs. Finish: Redefining Identity
• 15:30 Global Hardship, Empathy, and Perspective
• 19:30 Big Brother’s Sacrifice and Early Lessons
• 24:30 Violence at Home and Surviving the Streets
• 29:00 Taken by CPS: The Dark Age
• 35:00 Foster Home Fear and Inner Resilience
• 40:00 A Sister’s Birth and a New Duty
• 44:30 Leaving Jersey for South Carolina
• 48:00 Owning the Narrative: Choices and Growth
• 52:00 Being Watched: Integrity in Private

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

Thank you for joining me on another adventure of a sanction.

SPEAKER_00: 0:50

Welcome back, guys. Welcome back. It's your boy Ken the Wiz. Y'all.

SPEAKER_01: 1:02

We made it. We made it through another day. Another week and another year. We're towards the end of the year now. We got about a what less than a week to enjoy the last of the 2023. It's been a uh it's been a long, long year. The ups and downs, the fails and the wins, the let ups and the let downs. I mean, the only thing I can possibly say that can be of some type of solace, I guess, is that we are definitely alive and well, right? There's no better feeling of understanding that we have another day to make rewards and consequences happen at the same time. It's an amazing feat, guys. So understand that you're blessed and highly favored. Um, this is going to be the start of what I call a Saints Journey. It's an adventure like no other. And I am excited, definitely excited, on doing this particular podcast because it has been on my mind and heart for some time. A little uh reluctant to actually start it because you know, like every other person in this world, anything that's new is a little scary. We are starting a new threshold of expanding the opportunities and reaching new heights, and that is what I am trying to go into 2024 with a positive outlook and doing something that I actually do love. I love you guys, I love uh the fact that you're listening. Doesn't even matter if it's just one person, if I could just touch that one person, I'm doing something better in the world. Because guess what? That one person somewhere in the world that I've impacted and could be spreading like wildfire. I mean, look at it, look at it this way. I mean, every negative and positive notion that's going on worldwide, you know, most people have their opinions, right? So why not express more positivity? Um, and you know, I try to do that. Well, I am doing that in on the uh in Ken's world, but this particular podcast is I want to solely focus on the men and women of this world, the the people that don't have a voice, the people that are afraid to step out of their comfort zone, uh, the people that are willing to make a change within themselves and around them. Because at the same time, you have to make a change within yourself. But if you are making a change within yourself, but you're still surrounded by the same party, yo, that's not good. That's not good. So take it however you want, but who you actually hang around, who's your posse, who's your circle, who's your your close peoples. I'm saying it will have an effect on your personality, the way you outlook on things, even when you get to a stressful situation, how do you deal with that? Do you shut in or do you just take it on head first? I will hope you would take it on head first because if you just rip the band-aid off, you can deal with the pain at that point, but it will subside very quickly. Um, but I want to step back a little bit. Um, to have these types of talks is you have to create an atmosphere for people to not only listen to you, but to agree, and you have to give the viewpoints for personal experiences that that way it can be uh transferred to the next person in however way they look at it, but it can be transferred to that person spiritually, emotionally, physically, to a to a point where if it affects them and can do some type of change, because y'all like can we all agree that this world has some flaws, that each and every person in this world, including myself, has a flaw. We are not perfect, but we can also agree that to create a different environment and to create a different world, it has to start with the individual. And the individual who hasn't decided to make that change and then to make that that next step, that's that's a damned individual. I mean, because they are basically saying that they are living the righteous and the most truthful life. And you know what? It could be, they could be, but I haven't met a person who's perfect, and I haven't met a person who hasn't gone through problems, and who overcame their problems, and also people who who haven't gotten through their problems, who still wallowing in self-pity, making excuses, making all the wrong choices. Again, we step back to the people that are around you. Um and I I have to be I have to walk very lightly when I say this statement. Your past is your start out. You understand what I'm saying? It's your start out. How you start is not how you finish. Now there's both sides to this. You can have a past that is absolutely detrimental to yourself and the people that's around you. Neither drugs, gangs, um, you know, personal mental issues, uh, low self-esteem. Uh, I mean, I mean, we can keep going. Or you could have had a positive no drugs, uh, good family household, good friends, and still end up in the same path, man. You know that's crazy. You want to know why that's crazy? It's crazy because, like I said, it's not how you start, it's how you finish. So everybody who says that Ken, you had such a great life, or you just look like you never struggled before in your life. You want to know how I feel about that? Amazing. I feel absolutely positively amazing. And let me tell you why. No, Ken did not have such the peaches and cream life, but also didn't have the worst life either. I didn't have some of these lives that these third world countries have, you know, the bombings and people dying like by the masses. I mean, they fall in like flies around you. I mean, that's that is a world that as Americans we can't even talk about. We see everything through a screen. We don't we don't feel that heat. We don't feel that that forest fire that's coming through. That is, I mean, killing them by the thousands and the millions. Or uh country civil war. Little in in like just wars that's fought amongst ourselves in certain certain countries, wild to me because of disagreements, or certain countries still live in the past, still withholding to traditions of their forefathers. We are living in the twenty-first century, and we have we have yet to grasp the compassion and the understanding of one another, that if we can all just help each other and you know understand that each one of us have these differences, I don't think there would be too many issues. I mean, obviously, it would be some scuffles here and there. I mean, why not? Well, you know, some of my best people that I've met in my life, we got into scuffles, we got into fights, we got into disagreements, we even got many each other, probably stopped talking too. Sometimes it's an unspoken rule to be able to just, I don't know, move past it. I mean, if again, speaking from my own past experiences, you know, I was born in New Jersey. And Teenek to be specific, my life wasn't the greatest, and as far back as I can remember, there were incidences where it made a huge impact on my life. I'll tell you one. From about six years old, maybe five or six years old. You know, I had I'm at the time it was just me and my brother. You know, uh, my brother was what you want to call, you know, a sport fanatic. He had a gift, he had this charisma that captivated people, that allowed people to come near him and feel comfortable, you know, play sports, football, baseball, and he was really good at it. Probably the best I've seen at that time. You know, uh an image that I've always wanted to look up to, you know, so I always got on his nerves as a little brother, I always got on his nerves, always wanted to hang around his friends, and but you know, I soaked up that personality, I soaked up who that guy was. And growing up, you know, our mom was in the army, you know, she lost herself as a young woman having the wrong people around her at the wrong time, and you know, the army plus the wrong crowd equals disaster. If anybody who had people that was in the military, um, and I can tell that she was struggling um like internally, so many battles, you know. I you know, it's really hard to explain because you know, from a child's perspective, I felt that I was aware to certain things, like to certain aspects on people's lives, and uh how they how they hung around me is kind of like my definition of their personality. So I always thought that if you were nice to me, then you're a nice person, or if you were mean, then you're a mean person. So my mom was, you know, on crack, and it was a time where that's all she had, you know. Anybody who's dealt with that understands, but me and my brother, we were so tight. You know, if you see me, you see him. But who Ken was at that time as a little boy, he was so adventurous, very curious. I was able to soak up my brother's charisma and kind of internalize that and made that my own type of power. I feel like I had to gift the gap. You know, I can able, I was able to talk to, even as a child, able to talk to any age group and be comfortable. But I also had a also had a power where I have people trust me fast. You know, they used to man, I remember this one time we had this neighborhood cop, and he always patrolled our area. Mind you, he was really patrolling because of me. Okay, another story for another time. I was a very mischievous boy, like I said, I was I was very curious, always adventurous, right? And but he always it was always the same guy, same guy on patrol. And every time you see him, he always gave me a dollar. But as he gave me a dollar, we just sat and chit-chatted, you know, and at the time I was releasing information that I shouldn't have been releasing for sure, but I don't think that was the sole cause. But you know, as a kid, you just talk, you just talk about what you know or what you think you know, and and I realized the things I was saying, I was getting empathy. I don't even think it was sympathy because I only I mean it could have been sympathy, but I really I really felt at the time it was kind of like empathy, like people could really understand what I was saying, and they can you know not necessarily look at me as a problem, but or as like a case of them just trying to help me. I just felt that I had a level of a playing field with the grown-ups, you know. Because other the other kids used to laugh at me and be like, Man, this guy, you know, what's what's up with Ken, man? Like, he's always around the grown-ups, and the grown-ups is always doing stuff. So I was an oddball with the kids, man. You know, never got the girls and stuff because the girls just thought I was so grown, maybe I don't know. I remember this one girl trying to talk to me, it was the funniest thing, but she was so scared, and I didn't understand why she was scared to talk to me. But now, obviously, looking back, it was the cutest little thing, she had the biggest crush on me. But you know, you you you transvert you trans you traverse through life thinking that you know something, but you don't know the whole story. So, me and my brother, like I said, we were close, we was tight. Um, when mom was, you know what I'm saying, kind of strung out, or she had her friends over, you know what I'm saying? Because you know, it was a posse back in that time, everybody hitting that dope, you know what I'm saying? So it was a little difference. My brother was the parent. My brother always had my back, you know. To this day, I still don't even I can never mimic that type of love. Something a sacrificial love, you know. Now, mind you, we were children, you know. I'm like five or six, I think he was like 12 or 13. The one thing that always stuck out, well, two things, it was a lot of things, but the two things that always stuck out when I was hungry, he was there. He was always in the kitchen. We may not have the food, but we made up something. Just so we could put food in our just just so we could put food in our stomach, you know. The other one is one time I didn't have no shoes, like the shoes I was, you know, it was all worn out, I outgrown them. Um and to this day, I still don't like getting up, you know. Early in the I'm not an early person, man. I'm I'm learning, you know, these are the steps that if you want to succeed, you gotta get up early, I guess. You know, whatever. Statistically proven, by the way. But anyway, he used to get up early, right before school, and you know, Jersey, we was all about the snow, man. We had the tundra going on. So he would get up before school, and he would shovel, shovel people's cars out so they could go to work or shovel people's uh driveways or you know whatnot, just to get some extra money. My man's got enough money saved, and I remember him taking me to I felt like it was either it wasn't New York, but it was a mall in Jersey. I want to say maybe Macy's mall, I don't know. And he took me to the shoe store, bro. And he said, pick the shoes, any shoe that you want. I got you. When I felt like that man was like a superhero, I don't even know to this day. I mean, he he still remembers that story, but like I don't know if he knew the impact that it had on me. Here's uh my brother who I thought, you know, he just beats me up and tortures me, and he hates when I'm around him. I get on his nerves. But here is this guy who sacrifices his time from his friends and the things that he enjoys the most to give back to his little brother who can't necessarily survive entirely on his own just yet, and that really meant something. I mean, I you know, even though he was my brother, he felt like a like a pops, you know, a role model, somebody I can always look up to. And I think to this day, I define that as a way of saying doesn't matter who you are or where you are in life, you can always make an impact. Neither friend nor family. And me and him was just tighter ever since then. Fast forward, the drugs got a little bit out of hand, you know. I witnessed my mom always getting beat every night. But the same guy wake up having sex, and it was just like a a revolving door every day. We had some of the most notorious drug dealers in our homes at the time of you know, Jersey was like a like a cocaine crack hub, you know, especially where I lived at, you know. My uncle was like a like a pimp. I'm saying he was in and out of jail so much that they had a specific jail for this man. He never stayed no more than three, four months, though. It was crazy. I don't know what he had, we don't know something. He had a lot of clout, that's for sure. So, you know, I my family wasn't the worst, but also wasn't the best. So I took so many, so many scenarios, and I had so many examples of what not to be, you know. But as time progressed, you had people who watched their home, and me being who I was, you know, I was always adventurous, so I was never at the house. So it was always a it was always something, you know. I uh spent my life at that time surviving, but living my truth. I felt like a kid. I felt that I can do whatever I want. I had no, I mean, there was some guidelines. I knew what not to do and what to do. I still knew how far I can go. I had people around the neighborhood who knew who I was, so anytime my brother was going looking for me, he knew where to go and ask. Oh, it's you know, you can't do that in today's society, you know, a five, six-year-old just adventuring in the city. And you know, and honestly, uh to this day, people laugh, but I'm so serious. You know, my my areas, I used to go to the golf course, dude, and uh I used to run out catching balls, like getting balls, make sure I don't get hit. One time I got clocked in the head by a ball got ball hurt like crap. Get a basket and you know, just fill it up. And some of the people that was out there putting and golfing and stuff, they allowed me to use their clubs and stuff. So I learned how to golf and it's cool. You know, I used to ride this. I used to ride with this uh guy, he used to have a dump truck, so we used to go to the landmines and stuff, man. I was just riding in this big old dump truck, and we just talk complete strangers, by the way. Complete strangers, but those were my little mini adventures, man. We used to have this uh railroad track behind our house, and I used to dream of just hopping on that train and allowing it just to take me wherever I wanted to go. You know, the life of a kid. It's wild by every small and minute thing, and just those small instances shape me as a man to this day. I remember just sitting on my porch and just daydreaming of who I will be and what I will become. It's c it's kind of it's rough sometimes because people don't see the beginning, right? They only see the present, they see what they want to see, they see what they feel like they have to see just so they can make their assumptions about you. I don't carry that type of weight on me. Obviously, it made an impact, but it didn't make an impact to what most people will assume because you know, a lot of people assume that I would have been locked up or you know, strung out on drugs, just like my mom, or making the most poor, unrational decisions for sure. But what I always knew was what I wasn't gonna do. I mean, because listen, my motto, since I can remember, if it is if it's white, it ain't right, if it's green, you can get a little bit in between, meaning it won't hurt as much. You could control it. Everybody smoke a little weed, can't do it no more. You grow up, you realize you can't be the same guy and girl for the rest of your life. There has you have to conform to the changes that is happening around you. Now you don't have to agree with everything, but you do have to stay hit to the game and understand that you can't be swindled by what's going on out here. Because listen, if you allow life to take ring, you will die early. Stress will kill you. Doesn't matter if you're rich, poor, or neither. Because if you're dead, you ain't got a chance. But if you're alive, you can survive, and you can't necessarily look at other people's situations and expect that you're gonna get that same outcome. You are a whole different person from Sally. Jim and Sally are two different people. So who are you judging yourself over somebody else's success and downfalls? That's crazy. It's crazy. Some of the craziest moments happen when I always least expected, and those are the ones that man, that taught me so much. Taught me a lot actually. The little bit of time I spent in Jersey, playing law, it taught me how to survive, and it taught me what to always look for in a in a in a an adult. Anybody who's older than me or have more smarts than me. Understanding that because that there are more people out here who smarter than me, I knew how to be a little bit smarter on my side. You can't necessarily outsmart the grown-ups, but I thought I could. Like I said, Ken was adventurous, mischievous. Thought he can outsmart people, thought he could lie his way out of situations. I sucked at it, that's for sure. People could pick out my lie a mile away, thinking I'm on point. Got my facial expressions, got my story down packed. Man, I changed my story three or four times most of the time. But as time went on, like I said, people was watching our homes. We didn't know a lot or a lot of the behind the scenes of how it happened or what happened or how it went down. But I do remember being at school, right? Uh it's like first grade. And uh I was in the cafeteria eating lunch with my friends, talking, acting up. I'm actually, I kind of remember that day kind of quite vividly. I was actually acting up, man. So I'm thinking, you know, when I saw the grown-up come to get me, I thought I'm in trouble. So I was like, oh man, here it goes I'm about to get a whooping when I get home. Well, come to find out, the school guy was actually coming to get me because my mom actually came up to the school. That's unheard of. Because this is like 12-ish, one-ish. She's supposed to be asleep, you know, strung out. And she's at my school. So instantly I knew something was wrong. Instantly. Get to the school, told me to go get my stuff, and we started walking. We were close, we're at the time. I went to Theodore Roosevelt. And uh we were walking on the bridge that connected I'll say probably a mile or two. Not that to me, it wasn't that much because you know I walked everywhere at that time. So walking in really seemed like a problem. But I remember her she's crying, and she's telling me how sorry she is and letting me know that everything is gonna be alright. So instantly I knew something is really bad now. Like I don't know what it is, but she is losing it right now. Can't stand for a woman to cry to this day. Can't stand it. And she's just telling me that she will fix it. Now we walked to Dairy Queen, got me a nice chocolate. Oh no, it was a vanilla sundae. I think she got like a cookie or something like that. And we was just walking, we sat there for a little bit, for a little minute, and we just we just talked. I can't I I can't remember what the whole conversation was, but I just remember her crying profusiously. It was ridiculous. Snots and everything. And our grandmother pulled up. She came, picked us up. And I can kind of tell that, you know, I had I had my grandmother, then I had my grandmother's mother. So we had little grandma, and then we had big grandma. So little grandma used to live in Jersey with us. Big grandma actually lived in South Carolina. That's another part of the story. Um, but little grandma, she came and got me. And I could tell she was crying, she was upset. And she drove us to McDonald's. So we got I know I got a little happy meal, and I can't remember their conversations, but I can tell it was impactful. For sure. But I was getting a really bad feeling in my stomach, guys. Like, yeah, some something ain't right. I can't I can't put my finger on it, but something something drastic is about to happen. Now, at the time too, when she came and got me, let's back up for a little bit. So at the time before she came and got me from school, my brother, we we all had different fathers too. Um, as of right now, it's four of us, like brothers and sisters, four, but it was only me and him at the time. So me and him had different fathers, and um, so his father lived in Philly, and uh he came and actually got my brother already, so so my older brother, he's gone, didn't even know that. And I was with Ma and Grandma and little grandma, and you know, nobody told me about that, so I'm thinking, like, okay, y'all, y'all tripping right now, but we're gonna be home, so whatever this is, that too shall pass. Um, so we we eat our lunch or whatever. I was excited because we never go to McDonald's, so I knew something was crazy. So once we got done, we go back to little grandma's house. We're sitting there, we're talking, and my grandmother basically was like, Do not worry, we're gonna come and get you. I'm like, what is going on, man? What are y'all talking about? This is crazy. We hear a knock or we hear her doorbell um ringing. Grandma goes to answer the door, and this white lady comes in. And basically, she was with Child Protective Services. She was coming to get me to take me to a foster home. And all she's told me was, come on, get your stuff, and you're coming with me. I'm like, yo, what's up? What's going on? You know, I'm picking up my stuff, I'm going with the lady because at this point I'm looking at grandma and looking at mom, and they're pissed, and they don't know what to do. So I'm like, okay, oh, this ain't right. You know, why am I going with this white lady? Like, what's going what's going on? So she then I'm basically kind of like fighting because I'm like, yo, I'm not about to get in that car now. Because now I just realized like I don't think I'm coming back tonight, anyway, like all in the same day. I don't think I'm coming back. So I'm in the back of the car somehow, and mom going crazy. I mean, going nuts. So I'm in the back. I mean, I'm very puzzled. I'm trying to figure out why am I being taken away by my own. Well, why are why are my grown-ups allowing me to be taken away? So at this point, I'm feeling very scared now. You know, tears are starting to roll down, and I know I felt like this this might be it. I might not be able to see them no more, you know. And I'm with this lady, she we drive off. Mom is trying to chase the car. It was a whole little scene, and I don't know. We probably drove like 20 25 minutes, maybe 30. Basically, to the other side of town, and uh brought me to this lady, Miss Williams. I did not get out of that car. I mean, they was trying everything, and they got me out of the car because of a Pop Tart. They bribed me because of a Pop Tart. I never got Pop Tarts. I'm Sam eating his Pop Tart. I'm in this lady's house. We're sitting in a little room. It's dark, man. This place is dark, like very menacing. White lady goes, Miss Williams is there, and she's a very angry looking lady. She had this uh this very physical demanding uh aura about her, and so she shows me to my room, and it was like it felt like if anybody who's seen the diary of Anne Frank, you know that attic scene, that's kind of how my my room looked, right? And it was sex it was sectioned off. I had one side and it was another bed, so obviously, you know, basically, you know, she's running a foster home situation, and I had one side of the of the house, and then if she brought in another kid, he would have had the other, so that way, you know, we ain't like crossing against each other, you know. So we have some space, and she just leaves me in there, man. As time progressed, I would learn a little bit more about the Williams family. She had her kids that live right across. There was another room that live right across from me. And um, very close knit family. But her daughter, Miss Williams' daughter, was an extremely mean-spirited man. Like she just had like a you know, I'm a beat your butt type of situation, you know. Miss Williams also really harsh on me as well. I just didn't like it, you know. I really did feel like a prisoner. And uh, I was in there for about 10 months, and I will say this, guys, you know, I've I tried to run away a couple times, but somewhere in the back of my mind was like, you can't, you know, you can't leave. And it was so easy for me just to just to escape. You know, it's just a fence that was stopping me from going anywhere. But I had no reason, I had no recollection of where I was, never seen this side of town before. You know, I think it was like the richer area. I was originally I used to live in Ridgefield Park, and um Richfield Park is technically like the burbs, but you know, you still had your hood and then you had your good side, so it's like I was in the hood portion and then I went to the good side, so it was kind of weird, but I didn't know how far away I was from home. I didn't, you know, I didn't recognize any landmarks, I didn't really go outside of my vicinities, outside of wherever my mom, my grandmother, and my brother taught me or took me. So it was really, it was really it's really difficult. The time I was there was probably my as a kid the darkest, my darkest moments, you know. I call that my my dark age. Um I used to talk to myself a lot just to try to coax myself down. You know, had my own imaginary friend, his name was Wolf. Wolf kept me grounded, you know. I lost it a couple times, you know, couldn't see my family. But I remember when I was uh at Miss Williams' house, uh, she allowed me to have some type of reprieve, you know, like a little break or being in the house from school. And because all I was doing was going to school, coming back, going to school, coming back. But this other white guy, I guess they were friends, or maybe it was part of the whole, you know, child protective circuit, you know, I don't really know. Just to kind of like a therapy session type of thing, you know. But this guy used to come and pick me up. I can't remember his name, but he used to come ping me. We used to do various things, man, various activities, go to arcades or go to Chuck and Cheeses and you know, stuff like that. That was the only time I felt like I was, you know, being a kid, you know, I went back home, I felt like I was fighting. You know, Miss Williams would hit me a couple times. Her daughter was trying to bully me, you know, so she almost pushed me down the stairs once. And I, you know, I was very scared. I had no shield. You know, my brother was gone, my mom's gone, my you know, little grandma's not around, my uncle wasn't around. So I had nobody to kind of rely on, you know, it was just me. I had to figure things out, I had to learn to make it look like I trust these folks. And you know, abide by the rules. Obviously, I was very uh non-submissive, you know. I always fought back, did hardly ever listen to this lady, but it somehow made me stronger, I think, mentally. You know, because I've always felt that if I could survive that, then I could survive anything. And this is a seven-year-old kin. You know, this is my awareness about grown-ups, I'm understanding who's around me. You know, I can't get bamboozled, and I was just in the world of strangers very early. Now, when it was come when it was time for me to leave, it came time for me to leave, you know, I had to show the whole, oh my gosh, you know, Miss Winslow, you know, she knew it was bull crap. I was happy to leave. It was telling me that my aunt was coming to get me. It's like, okay, whatever, just as long as I can get out here. This is my aunt, it's a family member, cool. Somehow, some way, I'm going right back home. Yeah. So as I get out, we wasn't going back home. We was going to a hospital. A hospital was for a newborn baby that wound up being my little sister. Now I had a sister. The whole time I was in foster care, my sister was being made. And uh at this point, you know, the doctors was telling my aunt at the time, oh my gosh, you know, she's a crack baby, and she's underdeveloped, and all this crazy stuff, man. And we get to the hospital. I was actually um with my aunt at the time, my Aunt Kita. So me and Aunt Keita, we go to the hospital. I'm going to meet my sister. Beautiful. Most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. You know, I actually got to help, you know, hold her and feel how warm and precious and soft she was. I just knew that at that time I had to protect her. I'm not letting her go. I don't care who's around me. I just knew that this was my responsibility. And uh That did something. Now, my aunt, I've only met her at the time, probably like two or three times. My brother was actually going to their house because you know, um, him and my cousin, or yeah, my cousin, they were real close because it was around like the same age. I think um I think he was like two years older than my brother at the time, you know. So those two was always like mischievous too. So they was gods and stuff, you know. So they was pretty close. But he he knew, you know, he knew Aikita more than I did. Like I said, I only met this lady like three or four times at the time, you know. And we were going to the airport, me and my sister, Ikeita. And I'm like, what? Why are we going on? Why are we going to the airport? Going to South Carolina. I was leaving Jersey, man. So I was like, wait a minute, wait, you mean to tell me that I was taken from my mom to go to a complete stranger for about 10 months to get out to learn that I have a sister. Now you're taking me and my new found sister to a completely different place. And you're expecting me to keep everything together and to be good. Y'all wildin', man. Mind you too, skip the part. Back up. We once we left the hospital, we went to go visit my mom. My mom was actually um in a rehab center, you know, basically just trying to fight the, you know, trying to get clean, basically. And the uh I didn't really believe her because I was really mad at her, you know, a lot of anger at this time, a lot of the stuff that I was it built up, you know, but it came out. I thought it would just come out and I would have been gone, but nah, man, it came out in this state, and it's crazy because you know, even as a child, you know, you don't fully grasp what's really going on because you don't really know the whole story, you know. So fast forward now, we're on the plane, on the way to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Sister couldn't be quiet. She was, man, when you go to a certain elevation, my first time on a plane, I'm scared, you know, but I had to be strong for her. I had to make sure she was fine and quiet, you know. She was just man crying the whole way there. Obviously, you know, we all know about the crying babies on the plane. It sucks. Excuse me. And um, we get there, get to get to our destination, and that I'll say, is the start of a whole nother life. Something I was not prepared for. But it shaped me to who I am today, good and the bad. And I just want people to understand this. Me being a kid, the way I felt, I could survive anything. I can overcome anything. And if and if I can overcome anything as a child, I could definitely overcome anything as an adult. So I knew that I didn't really have too much of a leeway when it comes to excuses internally. So that means I didn't have excuses for other people. Mind you, I just survived. I just understood who I was, not fully, but I understood what I can become if I just put my mind to it. Obviously, as a kid, we still do what we want to do, and we still do what we felt as a child from a kid like mindset, how much we can get away with because we think that other people don't see it. But I still take the same thought pattern from Ken seven-year-old to Ken 33. People are always watching you to be an example to who you're trying to be or what others perceive you to be. You always gotta be your best person. Yes, we are all human, yes, we all make mistakes, but it also doesn't give you that you know, that little leeway of saying, oh man, I uh if I could just mess, it ain't like nobody really sees me. That's crazy. No, I mean that's that's even that's a really crazy mindset to have. Because like it or not, man, as a child, I seen everything and I pay attention to everything. So if I was like that back in 1997, what make you think that these kids who are much smarter, who are more technologically inclined than I ever was at that time, isn't paying attention. You had to be weirded out your mind to think that nobody's seeing you, man. They may not see you in your room, but what you take in your room, what you do in your room, you're taking it outside. So, all that, oh man, I'm a different person behind closed doors. No, you're not. You're the same person, you're just trying to put some sugar on top so people don't see your BS. It's craziness, man. But I want to end it on a positive note. Anybody who has gone through any turmoil in their lives at a younger age can be stronger to anybody that's out there. Why? Because you already see the ugliness of the world now. How you're perceiving it as a kid as a kid is completely different from the next kid that was beside you. But if I'm speaking from Ken's perspective, oh yeah, it was dark, man. It was terrible. But I wasn't letting that darkness consume me either. Because I also seen what would happen if I were to turn into those examples that was around me at the time. Never allow your past and past mistakes be a hindrance and be a pity party example to who you are as of today. Let me repeat that. Your past and your past choices cannot dictate or hinder you for who you are in the present time. You have to be better, and it doesn't matter about extreme life changes. Man, if you could just do a couple steps at a time, you're on your way to a good situation, you're on your way to positivity. And understand that once you release the posity, positive things will happen. What you sow in the earth, you will reap out of the earth. Please don't get yourself banged up out here because you think that what you've done in the dark is not going to be revealed in the light. You are a stupid person. Take what you have learned, cultivate it into a weapon, and use that for the good of yourself and the people that's around you. And if you could touch if you could touch somebody who's outside your circle, you're winning, girl man. Come on now. This world is going down to the pooper. So why not get some some some cleaning products and wipe up what we can? We may not get all the grime off, but it'll look better than it was before. So on that note, you definitely gonna sign out. I'm hungry, guys. So I'm trying to get me some food. So it's your boy Kindle Wiz. And I appreciate you guys joining me on this adventure. Until next time.

SPEAKER_00: 53:21

Peace.

SPEAKER_02: 53:33

There's not a question in my motive. I'll pick you up when you follow them. You don't give you a stuff for you.