One of the most powerful motivators for change is storytelling. Survivor stories can help others understand the impacts and effects of violence and can be a powerful motivator forchange. Understanding when and how to share your story of survival to create change while protecting your own well-being can be confusing and challenging. Kelsey, a survivor in Vermont, and Kelli Prescott, the Vermont Network's Director of Advocacy and Healing join Jessica and Llu to discuss the hows and whys of sharing our survvior stories to effect social change and how we can stay whole and even heal through the experiences!
Episode Resources and Links:
Survivors Uplift Vermont
One of the most powerful motivators for change is storytelling. Survivor stories can help others understand the impacts and effects of violence and can be a powerful motivator forchange. Understanding when and how to share your story of survival to create change while protecting your own well-being can be confusing and challenging. Kelsey, a survivor in Vermont, and Kelli Prescott, the Vermont Network's Director of Advocacy and Healing join Jessica and Llu to discuss the hows and whys of sharing our survvior stories to effect social change and how we can stay whole and even heal through the experiences!
Episode Resources and Links:
Survivors Uplift Vermont
Welcome to the Uplift Conversations podcast where we discuss the social and community contexts that contribute to a culture where violence can thrive, and what we can do as individuals and members of communities to change that culture of violence, and create a world in which all people can live free. My name is Jessica, I use she her pronouns. And I do policy and organizing work at the Vermont network. I'm super excited to be hosting this conversation alongside one of my most favorite people ever.
Llu Mulvaney-Stanak:Thanks, Jess. I'm Llu everybody. I use they them pronouns. I'm a media maker here in Vermont and a community activist and I'm so honored to be brought into these conversations alongside some really fantastic humans doing really pivotal work here in the state.
Jessica Barquist:Let us introduce our two amazing guests. Today we have with us Kelsey. Kelsey is a survivor of domestic violence, a single mother of three children and she works for Easter Seals Vermont, providing Child and Family Support services to families with DCF involvement. She has also turned her survivorship into activism and is a founding member of Survivors Uplift Vermont.
Kelsey:Thanks so much for having me. I'm really excited to be.
Jessica Barquist:And we also have with us Kelli. Kelli is the Vermont network's very own Director of Advocacy and Healing. A lifelong advocate, Kelli's work with advocates, survivors and systems folks is rooted in the belief that healing happens in communities and that we belong to one another. She is most proud of the deep relationships and sense of connection that is central to our work in the world, creating a world where everyone thrives.
Kelli Prescott:Thank you so much for having me. I'm so glad to be here.
Jessica Barquist:Kick us off kind of set the stage for us, Kelli, why storytelling, why is storytelling so important to us?
Kelli Prescott:I feel really, really excited about sharing stories, telling stories, creating stories with people also can be so healing and fun too.
Jessica Barquist:I really love the science of things and when science can can kind of confirm those things that we innately know as humans, right. And one of my favorite examples of that is storytelling. And so they did these like series of MRI studies where they looked at people's brains when they were getting like factual information statistics versus when they were getting stories. And the parts of the brain that lit up were completely different when somebody was hearing a story. And it wasn't like passive parts of the brain. It was as if they were actually living through what they were hearing about. And so the brain chemicals, like everything was so much different. The experience physically was so much different for people when they heard it through stories than when it was just statistics. And I love I just think that's such a neat fact about stories. Kelsey, what about for you? What a storytelling mean to you?
Kelsey:Well, I, I love what you just shared absolutely and for me, what I what I feel in my experience and connection with others and their stories. And also when sharing my story as a survivor that people can find connection and resonance on a deeper level when it's when we share a story versus right just get the facts of an issue. And I think there's more opportunity for people who may initially feel they don't have a personal connection to any specific issue but hearing the lips story, they can often find the unexpected connections and and then from there feel the inspiration right to be involved in some way. So I certainly that's why it feels so powerful to me. Absolutely.
Llu Mulvaney-Stanak:Kelsey I'm wondering how do you know that that connection happens like so when you've told your story to a roomful of fill in the blank here? What what indications come back your way that you're like, Oh my God, these people actually get it as opposed to that kind of, I'm sure you've also had the experience where people are just kind of shut down blank like flooded not having that. Like it's it's intense experience, right to share this kind of content, even in a story format. How do you know that that has connected with somebody and resonated with folks like what what how do they tell you?
Kelsey:I find that well, in the experience of a roomful of people. It's, I find it pretty easy to read the room, right? And they're the folks that are flat, straight faced, and the folks that are hanging on every word and you can visibly see the waves of emotion that they're experiencing as I'm telling my story. And so to me in that moment, right. It's, I know that they're with me, but also the folks that that don't be that are not necessarily revealing that I'm still happy to be sharing my story, right? Maybe they'll make a connection down the road or maybe there will be a secondary conversation out with them later on, or maybe with someone else that was present, and they'll make that connection. So that doesn't turn me off, I actually look forward to the opportunities of speaking to people that maybe aren't a room full of folks that are in this movement, right. But folks that aren't, but are there maybe their supervisors told them to be x? Those are the moments where if there's a click and a connection question that I've really excited about, I've also had so many experiences of after the fact, people reaching out to me sending me an email, for example, I mean, police officers, various people that I didn't necessarily meet them specifically, but they were in the room, and what their their supervisor forwarded on an email saying, please share this with a survivor that came in. Or if they were a commander and had access to my email emailing me directly thanking me, and going into more than just thank me, right, but sharing true expression of what it meant to hear my story and how they're going to try to apply that to their work and to how they live. And that right there, those moments, it's like, alright, this is so worth it. And so gratifying for me too.
Jessica Barquist:Kelsey, I have had the pleasure of watching you share your story in many different spaces with many different audiences. And one that keeps coming back to me is I won't say what group it was. But we were in front of a group of older women who had very traditional and stereotypical ideas about what domestic violence is and who domestic violence victims are. And I watched too, you navigate that. And I wonder if you can tell us a little bit about that experience and what that was like for you? And like how you made the decisions you made in that process?
Kelsey:Yeah, and I think what was unique about that situation, I think I have absolutely spoken to other groups where there were many people in the room that they have very true. However, they were employees sent to this this experience, right? And so they were much more careful, either, they wouldn't ask questions, or very careful on what questions they would ask, versus that moment that we were in. They were not, right. They are not employees. And they are not shy about and they were not shy. which I loved. It was brilliant. I remember, he looked at me like, is this gonna be okay? Because I really appreciate how mindful the Network is of supporting survivors and making sure we have the support that we need to share. It's different for everybody. So I remember you looking at to me across the road, like, I'm right here, we'll figure this out. I wanted to, but, um, no, I loved the opportunity, because they were saying it out loud. But so many people around us are actually thinking, right, and so to me, it was exciting, because that opens the door for conversation. Right? Like I would rather people throw out these outdated, potentially offensive ideas, because then we can talk about it. And, and that that, to me is thrilling, because I love how these conversations with you all, but really, we want to go further, we want to talk to people that don't get it about it. Right. And so again, for me, and and I, I'm in my personal in my work experience, and just who I am I kind of enjoy uncomfortable conversations. Like I prefer to be authentic and like, let's talk about the elephant in the room. Like, that's just sort of my setpoint. Right. And so, yeah, I think that's what that was, but to me, it was like bringing on, please, I'm not gonna be I'm not going to be reactive, because then they'll shut down. And what progress can we make?
Jessica Barquist:So key once like that first question was asked, and you could see the silence in the room, once you handle that in a really receptive and, you know, really gentle, loving and kind of humorous way it opened the door for them to ask all of those questions in a way that they might not have had you interacted with that in a much different way.
Kelsey:Thank you.
Llu Mulvaney-Stanak:You know, I think people listening to this might at like, be either a worried that there that person who asked that question, or be curious, what was the question like, What kind of content are we talking about? You know, because I think, you know, one of the challenging parts of doing this kind of work is that when you're in the work, you kind of you experience it, you know, you know what everybody's talking about, but for the sake of our listeners out there who might have come across this conversation, and have a genuine curiosity to learn more. And to hear more about the stories of survivors and how we go about doing this work. Kelsey if we're not naming names. We're not naming names or groups or where the heck this was. But Kelsey, I'm curious, what was the question? Can you give us some examples?
Kelsey:There's more than one maybe Jess can help me out. But I remember one specifically. This was a couple years ago, but I do remember one of them I had, I had mentioned something around survivors leaving right I was I was vulnerable and shared that I can't even count how many times I went back before I was ready to really leave relationship and move toward no contact. And so I shared that. And I think I shared experience of family supports offering support and then in time withdrawing, because I've gone back so many times, right. And but that today, I do have some family support back really strong family support, but still many have turned away. I think that I had shared something about that. And a question I remember one person asked was, I think it was a statement sort of posted. The question was, if you were my daughter, I would have just, I don't know. I mean, I think I think that the question was basically like, I don't, I don't understand why you got we're in that to begin with, and why you kept going back. God, I remember that statement. It was definitely it was very judgmental, but it was coming from a place of just not understanding. And I think I'd gone into detail about the sort of supports they'd offered me, like, renting me an apartment, right, and various thing, you know, opening doors over and over, and then I would return to the relationships, they validated her feelings hurt, like how that would be really hard, I think is what I did, but then tried to put it into context about what it really looks like.
Jessica Barquist:The the one question that really stuck out to me was somebody who was just really grappling with, like, how you would find yourself in a domestic violence situation. And I think this is when I looked at Kelsey with kind of panic in my eyes, because she said, you know, the first time he would come at me, I would just hit him over the head with my broom, Kelsey, like, took a breath, as I was watching her with, like, panic eyes. And she said, Yeah, I can totally understand that, but then walked it back and talked about like, all of the psychological impacts and the manipulation tactics, and all of the various things that kind of compile on that like emotional abuse all of it, to get to a place where you can actually allow violence to occur. And you question yourself, and so taking her from a place of like, I just don't understand this at all. And Kelsey just walked her so beautifully through all of the various avenues in which somebody could find themselves in a situation like that. And to see her come to a like, oh, okay, and to have more compassion and empathy and understanding for survivors. And then that woman at the end actually wrote us a check and, and gave it to us at the end. So it was so moving to see that process and to see Kelsey walk her through that.
Llu Mulvaney-Stanak:Thank you for naming the questions, because I think the heart of this is, in heavy topics in heavy experiences. People can't help but go to that feeling place, right. And when we're in our feeling place, you can't help but make it about you. Right. So like, what would I have done? If I if you were my daughter, right? What would I have done if that person had come at me and man, what a what a great example of the violent culture we live in that literally what that woman says is I would respond in a violent acts like, hello, like, this is what we're trying to do. And so that space holding that you're able to simultaneously do while sharing your vulnerable story with folks and that realness of that to make that connection for people to get to the fields, and then also hold the space for them to do the moving that they need to do. I mean, what a gift that is, you know, thank you for doing that. And I know you do this a lot, too. But I think I think again, so like hitting. You see, I just did it. going to the heart of this right going to the heart of this of the what we're actually talking about why this matters. And the story component of that that is that, you know, that thing that just connects us, right? Like you can't help but get to those places that this is what the work is about. Right? This is what creates those transformations. So thank you for the example. I think it really humbles me, frankly, because he said that was just a couple years ago, right? Yeah, it's 2023 ya'll. It's 2023 not 1950.
Jessica Barquist:So and you know, Kelsey, this was like an advanced experience, you had been sharing your story for a long time. And you have really developed skills and confidence and in order to be able to navigate those kinds of situations really eloquently. And so I want to kind of walk us back a little bit and bring you in here, Kelly, why why would a survivor want to share their story? And what are those considerations that they're going to have to make around like, weighing those risks and benefits of sharing that story?
Kelli Prescott:Yeah, I think there are so many reasons right for, for us to share our stories as survivors and I think Kelsey has so beautifully also illustrated. I was just thinking about the first time I think, you know, I have Were told my story, I was like, wow, that felt good to get out there, right. And then to have it held and received was such a, like mystery to me, but it felt really good. And then, you know, knowing that, I think the first person I told also told me that they were a survivor. And so like, treated this, knowing within that, I'm not alone. And as sad as that is, there was also some comfort to that, right, growing up in the places where I did, in my experience, not having the language to identify what domestic or sexual violence was. And so and I became an advocate, and through that advocacy, was learning about the ways in which stories and sharing can like move us. And I also think about the hard conversations that we have, as survivors with so many people in our lives, from, like, the time that you disclose to, to, you know, being in a place where you're advocating or you know, working in a in a system where something has happened, I think about just the power of, of being able to step into that in a place of like, empowerment when you've had something disempowering happening to you. And then you turn it into something that maybe connect someone to your humanity connects somebody to something inside of them that moves them to want to do better. I know when I share my story, I think about being a steward of the story. I think, actually, maybe Tarana Burke said something about this being a steward of stories. You were talking about risk, but I'm thinking about purpose, what is the purpose of of telling my story in this moment? What's the impact that is going to have? And right again, just coming back to like, what for?
Jessica Barquist:Kelli, when you were talking about that, the image that came to mind, like the way you were describing, sharing your story felt like you were describing your artwork, to me. Kelli is also a really incredible artist, visual artists. And it felt like, there was a connection there that like creating this story, and then allowing somebody into it was very similar to how you use art as healing.
Kelli Prescott:Mm hmm. Mm hmm. And I think that one of the things that excites me about storytelling and creative practice is that noticing the way the story has shifted through time, right, that it is, there is pain. But that's not the wholeness of my identity, right, that is a piece of it. But there's also a lot of love, and a lot of beauty and a lot of healing and a lot of good things. And humor, that come out of stories. And that's the kind of stuff that I get really excited about when sharing stories in the future and what and, and thinking about the ways that that our stories can shift and change, the more we heal, the more we practice telling them.
Llu Mulvaney-Stanak:Do you feel like the story is ongoing, that it's not like this, like static, you were just talking about, like they change and stuff because you know, we've got perspective, right? As we get older, we get perspective, we find connection, as you're just saying, because it can be an isolating very lonely experience until you give, give words like take that power back. Right?
Kelli Prescott:Yeah, I think that there, that it's nonlinear. And it's ongoing. And like, there are things that, you know, as I'm talking to as just as talking about, like, you know, my art if I'm like out looking at something, it might bring up something that I had forgotten about, like a memory, a smell or a sensory that, like, takes me back to a place and I have a chance to maybe look at it in a different way through a different lens. You know, just revisit it. But it is such a journey and it is ongoing and unraveling. And I think that's such a gift in in so many ways of storytelling of the ways in which we we evolve the story evolves.
Jessica Barquist:Kelli, you brought up so much great stuff around purpose and intent, and how that kind of can shape the story and I imagine audience plays a big role in that, like, who we are going or who we're thinking about sharing our story with. Yeah, I there's a question there that I want to throw at Kelsey around like how you think about that about purpose and intent and audience when you're thinking about sharing your story?
Kelsey:Yeah, it's something that I'm very, I put a lot of thought and preparation into, even just if I find the moment to share my lived experience perspective with a professional colleague, or, you know, an acquaintance if it comes up, right, and I consider this but I even more so considered if I'm preparing to speak and address a group of people. For the purpose of listening to me speak, it's very important because it's, again, the Network is so great, and supporting survivors and sort of honing this craft, but it's really I found, it's so important to consider, what is the purpose of this moment, you know, what, what piece of my story is important for me to share so that it, it can maybe make connection and get resonance and depth, but also, hopefully be relevant to this group here today. And I think the first time I spoke publicly was to the Brattleboro police department. And it was such a cathartic experience. I mean, it was incredibly healing for me. And at that point, it was all my own thing. I wasn't getting, you know, he wasn't yet connected and supported by the network. And it was I did a lot of preparation. And I, but I think I rambled on for definitely an hour and a half. I know I did. And they were so sweet, right? It didn't get up and leave. And I got great feedback. And it was an incredibly healing. I would call it restorative justice experience. But since then, right, like, I've honed it, right, like, who am I speaking to? What is the purpose here? Like, what what parts of my story? Can I share that it's going to benefit, informing their work and how they engage around violence, and for me, specifically, gender based violence, and also still pulling in that storytelling connection to really humanize it? And so I think that's, and I feel that coming up again, all the time, and even individual moments, right? Like, how is this relevant here, because I'm always firing away, my mind can't really turn it off. And so I love those moments, but trying to really make it purposeful.
Jessica Barquist:It made me think about Kelli, what you were saying earlier about the the purp one of the purposes and intents of story of being that community, and finding those places of connection so that that empathy and emotional exchange can kind of happen more readily.
Kelli Prescott:The opportunities that we have when we share our stories, create some kind of like, oh, that happened to you, and I love you. And I didn't know that. And there's an opportunity there to shift how we view survivors who are survivors, right? Because so there are so many people who have experienced domestic and sexual violence, and it's been kept so secret oftentimes, that even people really close to us often don't know. And so what it's like to, to say that to someone that you love, and then for someone that you love to hear that is so powerful that it could create empathy or compassion, or even change the view of what domestic or sexual violence is. And so, yeah.
Jessica Barquist:Yeah, we're actually going to be doing a follow up episode too where we really dig into how to receive survivor stories. So I'm glad you brought it up. Because there is that exchange. It's not just a sharing, but there's that interplay of receiving that as well.
Kelsey:I'm sorry, I just wanted to one more quick thought sort of tying together I think something that Llu said and just about, like the preparation and thinking about that, I think it was the two of you. But I wanted to say that it's not just I think important for survivors to think about preparing for the audience. But also, maybe it was it was all of you. But thinking about how our perspectives on our stories do change over time, as part of the human experience. And what we put out there is very real in that moment, we also have to think about sometimes that's just going to be out there and and you know, what are my personal boundaries around that? I'm a very authentic sharer, I really am okay with putting it out there. And for me, I've always had been really clear on I'm not going to make this choice for my children and my children are part of my story. And so I share it carefully when it comes to them. But I don't go into the detail even when asked sometimes in interviews and things because that's their story to tell. So that's for me, that's a boundary. I just wanted to mention that so one of you mentioned like how it changes over time and I want to be mindful of that. More to say but I just want to
Kelli Prescott:Yeah, I want to add something to that that you just sparked for me is that this notionof who we share with or when we share and that these relationships, I think one of the things that that I think about a lot is that we often, like, create the narrative of people that use violence of being really bad people. And I think about the people that have used harm in my life. And it's way more complicated than that. And so, earlier, when I was talking about being mindful about our impact of sharing, I also am honestly thinking about the impact that it's having on the people that used violence against me, because I'm still in relationship with those people. And I still love those people. And there's still a relationship there. And so I tend to be a little more I tend to share it in, I have a, you know, a way in which places that I share, of course, here, I'm sharing it on a podcast. But I just want to acknowledge the nuances of domestic violence, and that we, there's this narrative, these myths that exist, that actually don't do justice to what relationships look like, and with domestic and sexual violence, that we are often in relationship with the people who use harm, and it's complicated.
Llu Mulvaney-Stanak:All of this, what you've shared today really just rings, the bell of like, this is legit the definition of emotional labor, I can't think of a better description of you are out there doing the labor, the emotional labor of this, and, you know, for good for change, like this is like, this is how the transformative piece happens. But, you know, knowing that it's small circles, Vermont, knowing that, you know, it's complex as you were just sending Kelly an ongoing, right, whether it's your own evolving of story or not. I'm just really curious, how could that flavor? How old do you all recharge? Like, what how do you keep at this, like, what is that? Like? Is there an element of self care that you've come to because I also suspect there might be some people listening who find themselves in this moment that you have had at some that you have shared, and that you're telling stories about? Where it's going to feel like, oh my gosh, like, it just feels exhausting and exhausting, one after another. And, you know, you're intentionally going back at this, right, like, for the good, right, again, thank you. But I'm just curious about how each of you kind of not just charged up for doing it, but what's the opposite of charge up? Like de escalate, come down from it, whatever the right word is? I'm lost for that word, the appropriate word, but you get what I mean, like, you know, kind of release
Jessica Barquist:right, like emotional release, yes. Yeah. Yeah. It's a great question.
Kelsey:I've, I've become very aware that I mean, just as Kelli noted. this, I live for that for it, I guess. It's like, it's probably like what it is for an athlete, like the big championship. Excited, you know, it's like the event of my month. And so the whole week leading up, I'm just like, formulating speech in my mind. And I love it. And, and I do, and then I do it, and it's high adrenaline, it feels great. I love it. And afterwards, sort of the drive home or after, it's this great sense of peace and calm, and I feel wonderful. And then I find I am absolutely exhausted, like entire body by that night, and then the next day, I mean, full body exhausted. And it's interesting because it was thrilling and wonderful. And it's so healing for me, it's so healing for me. And I would say I always get great feedback. Even if people don't really get it, they have a hard time not praising survivors when we speak right? People are always gonna say nice things. And sometimes they it's very meaningful but anyway, it's interesting because it does take recovery and so I have I'm very mindful of myself care at this point that I let myself rest if I thought I had a big to do list that day is really okay if I don't get to it try to I try to get outside and have some time by sitting by the river and sleep and rest and low key because I need it and it's it was interesting process as much as I love it and I live for it. Emotionally my emotional it is labor. It really truly is.
Kelli Prescott:Yes, it is labor and I feel less than the excitement as time goes on, and I guess just like I guess I just picked my moments when I share and you know, the rest of it is like I think my healing happens in my community and that I rely on my relationships to hold me when this the emotional stuff comes up or the like the heaviness the release, but I also create art and like I spent a lot of time behind my camera, being in awe of the world. Hold ends. That's just my passion. And that's the thing that rejuvenates me to, to want to, like, share more or to like care for care for myself,
Llu Mulvaney-Stanak:I just think it's really important for listeners to know that this is labor. This is labor that you're putting out there, again, to help educate people move people change, you know, our overall culture of how people are understanding what are really our often outdated assumptions about all of these issues. And you're intentionally conflicting, you know, making it more complex. But I just I feel great appreciation for you both and all survivors who share their stories, because this is not easy. But it's clearly the thing that works. Maybe I don't know, just this is a question back to you. Like, it's got to be one of the biggest ways to help move people to action or to changing thoughts or something right. You were just saying at the beginning, it's not going to be stats, yes, yeah.
Jessica Barquist:I mean, storytelling is one of our power, most powerful tools in in creating change and, and lasting change in a way that people can really integrate in their lives. But I'm really glad that, that you brought that focus back into the emotional labor, because for survivors who are listening to this, who might like just be starting to dip their toes into sharing their story or going out there, to be able to normalize that for them. And that, like, it is actually part of the process. And it is okay to feel that way afterwards. And the complexity of it to feel like, it was so powerful, and I'm so excited, I did it, and it was so meaningful. And it's tiring, and it can bring up emotions and like, it is not a one size fits all thing. And it is not a like one emotion thing that it can be all the things and that is normal and beautiful. And in all of it all together. So the other thing I just want to go back to really quick, Kelli and Kelsey, you both said a few different ways around the boundaries that you come up with when you are considering sharing your story. And that is a way for us to be in control of our story. And to be empowered by what we choose to share and what we don't choose to share, right like not choosing to share specifics about your kids or who harmed you, right, that is a way that you create those boundaries and safety for yourself in sharing your story. Stories are not a one sided thing, even when you set those boundaries, and you create that container for yourself that safe. You can't control how the other person receives that story. You know, Kelsey, I think you said the vast majority of the time, people are so lovely. And it's a really wonderful experience. And I just want to talk about like when it doesn't feel that way. What we can do as survivors, when we leave a situation like that, where it doesn't feel good. And maybe we didn't get the response back that we were hoping for.
Kelsey:It's a process for everyone. But I guess I'll start by saying, sharing the story for me. And I think for other survivors that I've connected with that share, it's a way that we can reclaim the narrative because there is so much stigma and just misinformation out there around domestic and sexual violence and all of the nuances to it's very complex. When we stare at share our stories when we're seeking safety, whether it be just in our personal circles, or in systems, often the story is taken right and taken out of context. And even if it's unintentionally, we experienced more harm. And so having the opportunity to share our stories, reclaiming that narrative. And I think that's a big part of why it's that big boost for me to be able to do that reclaim it and give it purpose to help other people I know that's why I love it. And in doing so again, as I've already mentioned, it's the coming down after I feel the trauma my body because it's still like this, it still wakes me up to this is a beautiful thing I can now offer. It gives it purpose, it's healing, but it brings me back to wow, I still cannot believe everything I've gone through, right. I never could have predicted this for myself. So what I'm getting to I'm going a little backwards, but this is gonna be move forwards is that I have learned, you know, I was motivated to start sharing my story because of not only what I went through in my relationships, where there was harm, but also what I've experienced since and I really feel it's discrimination. And so started sharing and there are times that because I have shared and it's become out that been out there you lose you lose some control over it right. And maybe in the moment the reception to it is great and what you're hoping for, but then sometimes because it's out there whether it's word of mouth distortions or people getting the just bits that we're putting in the interview or whatever it is right that then there's has been added just permutation that I've experienced. And so, for me, I again, I've just learned to, when I was opportunity resonate with other survivors that I'm not alone in that experience. And this is the reason why we keep doing this. For me, I've learned to take those as, again, more motivation to keep growing, and to be really, really gentle with myself around it around that those negative experiences, because I do know the truth, and there's enough support around me that I know, I know. But that brings me back to being so clear on what my boundaries are. Because, unfortunately, not all media sources are up to speed with how to share our stories out there. And so you know, there, there are so many considerations to make of what I could share experiences of sexual abuse without getting into the exact details, simply that I've experienced it while experiencing domestic violence, but I don't have to go into specific details of what that looked like. And somebody may choose to share that. But just it's important to know that we do lose control over that narrative being out there and sometimes how it's portrayed. And, sadly, the collective audience we're trying to reach, right, the broader community, you're not necessarily going to get our full intent, when we shared that and we're working on it, we're working on it. But just to be mindful that you, if you decide to share, you don't have to be that detailed to still have the impact that we're trying to have.
Jessica Barquist:Love that. I love that emphasis on boundaries, and really honoring the process and all its complexities for you, Kelli, Kelsey mentioned a few times about the support that that Network has given her in this. And so I'm just mindful that a lot of folks who are listening who might be thinking about sharing their stories of survivors might not have access to that kind of support. And so still kind of thinking about like, if you share your story, and it doesn't go the way that you hope it to like what what support or advice would you provide somebody maybe in the survivors uplift group who came to you and was like, Oh, this felt not so great.
Kelli Prescott:So I was recently talking about this idea being like a waterfall and, and just letting the waterfall right, as it like. So I think about like when something like comes at me that feels gross, just like how it can fall like water off of my out of my soul or out of my body. And it's really important for us to have care in place when we're starting to talk about our stories, that we have people in our sphere, whether that's an advocate from a network program, or some of us from survivors uplift, having someone to rely on to like, catch you after a situation. I can only like care for myself, or have the people that care for me hold me in those in those times. And that, that there's a level of being okay with that learning to move through it. Because it will happen. And so how do we as survivors support each other as a collective as a group of folks that have these unique experiences, but experiences that are similar in lots of ways, right? How do we create supports within within this system of survivors, and I think that's a really important piece. So like, you know, come to us, let's, let's let us support you. When something like that happens, let me hold your hand for a moment. We can care for each other through this, again, getting back to like, What stories do right? They open up these pathways of connection and, and my heart to your heart to your heart to your heart and we can hold each other when they get shitty? situations happen, right? Do I get bleeped too. But that's the thing. Like we can hold one another and there are people here that are ready to hold us. And we don't have to do it alone. And so that feels really important to me.
Kelsey:Can I just say I think I said it, but I wanted to be more clear that for me, I've just learned when those things happen, because they absolutely do have happened to me so many times that that I've learned, okay, this is highlighting the need for what we do, right? Because sometimes what we do triggers defenses. I've lived it over and over. And as well, that showing me right there that we need to be pushing this conversation is really difficult. And I think that over time you develop a little bit of a thicker skin and some of that is learning to lean upon your self care and your support. And some of it is being able to zoom out and be like, Yeah, this is why I'm doing this.
Kelli Prescott:And we learn somuch from these experiences. Sadly it helps us develop our our stories and helps us like be more nimble and like water to share our stories.
Jessica Barquist:So you both talked about self care, and community care. And I just want to really name that Kelli. And I have this really distinct pleasure of shepherding this group called Survivors Uplift Vermont, which is a group of survivors who come together statewide to provide each other support and encouragement and work together to create community change. And so we do a lot of storytelling work with this group, and maybe not in like traditional, like, here's what happened to me way, but more and like what we've been talking about here today around stories for change, and like really using your story, the intent and purpose of that story, to change people's mind and to start to live into and see that more hopeful vision of the future. So even when things don't go, right, I think that, that that group has a really amazing way to take those experiences and learn from them, like you just said, Kelsey, and use that to inform how they're going to continue making a difference. And that like, forward momentum and energy I find, keeps people coming back and keeps them engaged in the process of rewriting and retelling that story.
Llu Mulvaney-Stanak:Yeah, and at the heart of this is what just comes up to me like we were talking about emotionally labor before another term, I think people who are listening might resonate might resonate with them is a sense of collective care, community care, collective care. And so being able to find your people and hold each other as you were just selling, you know, saying how we hold each other's hands, like hold each other make space for each other, just be, you know, can be really powerful. And I think when I think of collective care, and in a more expansive way, just the act of even listening to this episode, and hearing what this experience is, and it's in the non traditional way, like we're not just talking about speakers panels, right, or somebody getting up in front of a room and just like talking, we're talking about the before the middle, the after the impact of like, the evolution of it, it's this is not a binary experience, you know, like, Let's bust down all the binaries that are out there, right. But you don't know until you know, and the only way you're going to know is to listen, right?
Jessica Barquist:I think we're probably getting close to a time when we have to wrap up. But I just want to throw it out to both of you. Is there anything that you want our listeners to hear that we haven't touched on yet related to sharing our stories of survivorship?
Kelsey:I say this a lot in a lot of spaces. I know Kelli and Jess, for me say it, but for me, it really gives the pain purpose. And that's, I can't think of anything more beautiful to do with the experiences I've had. So as a survivor, I continue to the ripple effect the magnitude of domestic violence that doesn't end right as when we leave the relationship, and I am many years out and I still continue to have new new waves, a ripple effect. And so being involved in survivor's uplift and sharing my story, you know, I continue to find such purpose in it and the community to you know, when we have those difficult moments, whether it be sharing our story, or just, you know, navigating life as a survivor, it's just, we speak the same language, right? You know, even if our experiences are unique, a lot of the experience in social realms are very similar. And that is very healing. And I also want also want to say sharing your story. If you don't feel comfortable, don't want to be a public speaker, there are so many ways you can share your story, or support. Those of us that do enjoy speaking and how we can share our stories or opportunities to do that there's so much organizing that we do together. Doesn't have to just be about getting in front of the microphone. I really wanted to say that.
Jessica Barquist:Thank you for calling everyone in. There are so so many ways that we can make a difference with our stories. And I really appreciate that. Thanks. Kelli, anything else?
Kelli Prescott:Yeah,I mean, I think the only thing that's coming up for me it just feels like the theme is like transform like the the ability of stories to transform harm into healing. And I just feel really inspired by by sharing stories with people and being able to listen and hold one another. And to know that we're not alone, just these these continued messages of love and connection and compassion and the ways that storytelling can really lift up those experiences and can connect us and to our deeper sense of humanity and responsibility and love to one another. I just want to lift that up.
Jessica Barquist:Thank you for that. I keep coming back to this image in my head about like storytelling in this context, like right, you are handed this like shitty lump of clay, and you keep molding it and remoulding it into these beautiful pieces of art as part of our stories. Thinking about that, and thinking about how we're, we're molding and shaping that vision for the future, I just want to end by asking both of you, what is your vision for a violence free future for us, and what is one, maybe easy or small thing that that we can do all of us listening to make that vision come into reality?
Kelli Prescott:My vision of a violence free future is rooted in building communities collectives of care and healing for every single being, because all of us need a good dose of healing. And so I really am devoted it to that vision. And that we are all every single one of us on this earth is worthy of love and healing and care. Simple things that I think that are easy that we can do is to breathe, is to notice who and what is around us to listen and to be together. And so I think that's a good place to start and building communities of care.
Jessica Barquist:I love that calling in versus a calling out.
Kelsey:I think we all need to continue to work on unlearning, Thank you, Kelli. right? Like just because these are the ways we've not just run gender based violence, that racial inequality all the all around all around power imbalances everywhere. Unlearning, just because this is the way we've done things or been socially conditioned for our long doesn't mean that that's how we have to continue to do it. And it's clearly not working. And so, continue. So for me the easy, simple ways well It's not easy, actually, for many people, but being okay with being vulnerable, right? It's okay to be vulnerable and authentic and let your defenses down and just be human with one another. I mean, that is it's pretty simple. To me. It's very difficult for a lot of people. And I think I know that survivors, when we when we feel we're in our strong recovery, recoveries lifelong, we have accomplished that in that peace within ourselves. So many of us in that deep wisdom have, it's okay to be vulnerable and authentic, I have a story and that isn't who I am. But it's become part of my story. That's a beautiful thing. And it's just very simple. If everyone could just slow down and be okay with being real, we would all be much happier there would be less violence and things would be far simpler. I think it's very simple.
Jessica Barquist:It seems like maybe a first step to that is just being really open to learning new ways of doing things, right? You can't, you have to be open to an unlearning.
Kelsey:be okay with being curious and being okay with me saying the wrong thing. I'm making a mistake and being okay with saying, I really sorry. Even if I didn't know that I caused harm, I caused harm, or I caused harm. And I did it intentionally, and I hurt you. And I'm really sorry. Please help me understand how to do better and actually do that and be okay with owning it because we all cause harm. So I think it's, you know, it's like learning to put the ego down.
Jessica Barquist:That is a whole nother conversation. Oh, my goodness. All right. Well, thank you both so much for sharing your stories with all of us today and all of your wisdom, just so much love and appreciation to both of you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And a big thanks to you, our listeners for being with us today. We all have a role to play in creating a violence free VT. And there are simple things we can all do each and every day that make a big impact on changing our culture, and making it a place where all are able to thrive. You can find more information and notes from today's show on our website at vtnetwork.org/uplift conversations. On our website there's also a forum where you can share your ideas and thoughts with us about this episode, or what you want to hear about next. We would love to hear from you.
Llu Mulvaney-Stanak:And if you enjoyed this conversation or learned something today, please give us five star ratings and share this with your friends and family members. Be sure to subscribe for more episodes and together we can uplift Vermont and create a violence free world where all people can thrive