Learning You

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Transcript

Learning You
shaykh ibrahim ansari

Dear Lovers of Allah.

Being human, we try our best to do what we can to live well and properly. But we are going to make mistakes, even though we try hard to stay positive and keep our connection to Allah. Mistakes are going to happen, little ones and big ones. The little ones we can deal with, learn and move on.

The big mistakes, though, often cause distress, worry, uneasiness, anxiety, depression… a cargo ship of worry. Now, where did all of that positivity and grounded connection go? We need to learn how to get back to that nicely centered place we lost.

It helps when we have established some kind of coordinates to return to that everything else revolves around. It could be a Zikr, meditation, an affirmation, a recording, a picture, or a place. Whatever works for you. If you do not or have not prepared your ‘happy place’, then every little bump or wave is going to knock you off your Center. To become a mature human being, we all need to know where our center and connection thrives and blooms.

This is part of learning you. Learning how you learn requires curiosity and experimentation. Knowing how to return to your center requires objectivity and honesty. This is the first step.  None of this is easy. It takes a lot of effort to step back and outside of all the emotional and cultural attachments. This means a commitment and dedication to removing all of those strings and 1chains and buttons that have survived for so long in your inner world.

With time and effort (and a sense of humor) you get to the point of being able to return to your heart. This requires that your nucleus is strong- and you know how to get to it and where it is.

This happens over several years, not months or weeks.

The old way of doing things usually meant getting hung up on the mistake. You'll experience one of the feeling tools online in your brain. These are actually positive devices if you use them properly, but we tend to call them negative because we don't like them. They are shame, guilt, embarrassment, shyness, panic, distress, anxiety, freezing up, etc. What we're trying to achieve in this first step is understanding that we are not a victim. Allah has given us a chance to choose Him over our nafs. To see that these elements are helpers and indicate specific emotional habits is more helpful than seeing them negatively. They are there to guide us towards truth. This is all part of Surrender.

To see these feelings as data, just pure information, gives us a chance to be more objective and scientific about our situation.This means that we do a deep dive into figuring out what is the cause of this shame or embarrassment. When we know the truth, and we know the source of this feeling, then we can do something about it. So the first part of the step is to name the source. To identify it gives you power over it. If you do not articulate the actual problem or source, you cannot do anything about it because it's just vapor or smoke. When you name it, you have a target you can deal with practically.

Let’s say I have a problem with confrontation. I am afraid to deal with situations where I have to stand up for myself. I become physically and emotionally scared to say or do anything when somebody confronts me with something I have or have not done. I retreat within myself and deny and lie. The next time this happens, I set my inner witness to note that I've done it again. I have weaseled my way out of actually dealing appropriately with the problem. Now I want to do something about it, so I take a look inside to see if I can figure out where this response started.

I set my intention to focus on this specific episode. I eventually work out through talking with  a therapist that it is an echo of when my parents argued and my father beat my mother. Looking at that objectively, I see that my younger self was horrified by the situation and made a commitment to never put myself in that kind of situation so: Avoid all conflicts.

After you begin naming your problem, then you can do something about it: counseling, therapy, 

Zikr, long walk in the woods, physical exercise, visualization, affirmation… Whatever works for you to help you let go of the source of the problem.

After doing these steps a number of times, there will develop a clarity of your home ground your center, your observation point, your command post. This is the inner refuge where you are connected to Allah and your heart. You feel your feet on the ground, and a heartful gratitude that you are here and alive. So when the next tsunami of an emotional or physical crisis swamps you, you know how to get back to your center.

Now, it is important to note that each individual has their own way to do this. Sometimes it's good to observe how other people are. But this requires you to do this internally and not seek outer confirmation, approval, or anything external. To establish your home base, that is, where you feel most comfortable and yourself, that is yours alone. Each of us will be inundated by some, small,  large or extra large catastrophe. The trick is to not fall into the habit of getting emotional and allowing your old habits to trigger your usual responses. Your home base is the place you want to get back to. That's why it is vital to establish it in the quiet moments of your life.

 I see the ups and downs of life as floating in the sea. There is constant movement. And when the waves get bigger we will float up and have a vista of what is all around us. And then the wave breaks and we are plummeted down into the depths and are sucked into the endless darkness. Perhaps it would be more helpful to see ourself as a cork on the water. We float up, and we float down. Knowing that when we're on the way up, means that we're going to go down. Preparing for the down and understanding that the up is only for a moment, means where getting a better, understanding of how this whole business works.

Surrender lies within the heart to accept and learn what Allah is trying to teach us. Generally, we do not want to know because that requires being honest, humble, and uncomfortable. Seeing that uncomfortability is good and helpful is hard. Because we either deal with the pain of shame, or we just get used to it, which is stupid. It requires more energy to suppress our feelings than to actually deal with them appropriately and efficiently.