Speaking About Speaking

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Transcript

Question: In Grand Masters of Sufism, Abdul Qadir Geylani talks about using your language with Adab. He comments on being good with Allah and people and even be good with your Nafs. Could you expand or clarify on this section where he talks about being good with your Nafs? I have always seen dealing with the Nafs as a battle, but this commentary seems to have a different perspective.

Answer: There are two questions here. Let us look at how to communicate, and then ‘being good to your Nafs’. 

1. First, as in the previous article about your Aql needing to be sitting on the throne of your inner world, so, in this case, one needs to be aware of what is coming out of one’s mouth. We are responsible for what we speak, and therefore need to establish a guardian or gate keeper to allow us to be vigilant with our comments, thoughts and opinions.

Most of the time, we are instinctive in our responses to others, and speak just our first thoughts. What we are requesting here, as a Sufi, is to engage the second and third thoughts before articulating something we may regret. It takes time and practice to first look at the consequences of a response before expressing it.

This often requires one to put aside answering everyone immediately, and instead, STOP and consider the person, the time, the context and possible answers. For example, sometimes a smile, or hug, or nod may suffice while you consider an appropriate reply. Learning to stop and think first is strongly suggested.

2. We have many relationships: one with Allah, another with our body, and with people close to and far from us.

The concept of ‘being good to one’s Nafs’ refers to learning and knowing yourself. This is a lifelong task.

Questions to ask oneself might be:

How do I learn?

Why do I have these bad habits? 

What is the Source of these habitual actions? 

How do I remove them?

How much am I influenced by how and where I was brought up?

How much am I influenced by others’ opinions?

How do I build success?

Once you have a current inventory of these answers, you can begin to approach dealing with the Nafs one at a time. Each habit is slippery, often a well-entrenched, and survival-oriented bugger. They know you very well, and will slide around when you poke them. So you need to be especially smart and clever coping with old customs.

Your intention needs to be the desire to connect with Allah and your heart. Without this seed of intention, the fight becomes just another fight and therefore another Nafs. We certainly do not want that. So, for Allah’s sake, we ask His help in overcoming anything that gets in the way of that light and love.

If we define ‘good Adab’ as doing that action that is most appropriate for the time and place, then that is how we approach diminishing the power that we have given to our Nafs.

So we employ the best ‘Nafs removal agency’ in a surgical strike. Now, in understanding yourself, one of the things you need to know is how you succeed. Giving yourself a reward, treat, something pleasurable or tasty when you accomplish a milestone with your Nafs, tells your brain that you like victory, that you want to continue to achieve more by using these Dopamine hits. Maybe even cheer yourself on with music or dance-  whatever lifts you up and puts a smile on your face.

The opposite approach results in the reverse outcome. Putting yourself down, feeling a victim, unworthy, a loser, or stupid is just another way of asking the Nafs to come and lock you up in their prison of lies and pettiness.

How you see yourself in relation to Allah and Nafs is important to get it right. The Nafs want to keep you down and to themselves. We are born in Love, come from Love, return to Love. Anything else is a lie.

In conclusion, when you are working on breaking the habit of answering without thinking, breathe first. Think of the consequences, and then answer, accepting the responsibility of your words.