Today we are going somewhere that might make you a little uncomfortable. And I say that with full love because the things that make us uncomfortable are usually the things we most need to hear.
SPEAKER_00That's so true. It's very true. And I will say, when we first talked about this topic, my immediate reaction, Lindsay, was do we want to go here on the podcast?
SPEAKER_01And then you said yes immediately.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I did. Because, you know, I've lived this. I know you've lived this. And I know many of you that hear this today will have lived it too.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So here's what we're talking about today. We're talking about one of the most common things salon owners say, and one of the most dangerous. And the phrase is we're like family here. You know? And before anyone turns this off, I want to be really clear about what we are saying and what we are not saying today. We're not saying that warmth is bad. We are not saying that you shouldn't love your team. We are not saying connection doesn't matter in a salon. It absolutely does. But we are going to unpack why that specific phrase, we are like family, might be doing more damage to your business than you even realize. And more importantly, why some of us reach for that in the first place.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And the second part is the part that nobody talks about, you know, the why behind the phrase. And that's where this really gets interesting.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's where it gets real. So let's get into it. Okay, I want to start with something that I think is going to reframe this whole conversation. And it's this the word family does not mean the same thing to everyone in the room. You know, the word family
does not mean the same thing to everyone who hears it. And this is so important because when you stand in front of your team and say, we are family here, you think you're saying something warm and unifying. But every single person in that room is filtering that word through their own experience of what family actually means.
SPEAKER_00It means unconditional love, you know, a place where you belong no matter what. And that's a beautiful thing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and it is, you know, and for other people, you know, and we have to be honest about this: family means chaos. You know, family means walking on eggshells. Family means someone always getting away with something because that's just how they are. You know, family means guilt. Family means obligation without boundaries.
SPEAKER_00You know, Lindsay, I think some people believe like family means that you cannot fire your cousin.
SPEAKER_01Yes. They I I agree, Jen. They they do believe that family means you absolutely cannot fire your cousin, even though your cousin has been late every single Tuesday and the entire team has been carrying all of their weight for eight months and they don't follow a single system.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we've all had a cousin or sister-in-law, someone on our team, every single one of us.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, every single one of us. And and so when you use the word family as the operating framework for your salon, you are not creating one culture. You're creating as many cultures as you have team members, because every one of them is running a different definition of what that word actually means.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean, think about it. The owner is usually the one who thinks it means the warm, beautiful version.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I agree, like almost always. And meanwhile, you know, certain team members are having they're, you know, having a different experience or hearing the word family and thinking, whether it's consciously or not, okay, so I can always show up a little late and she won't say anything because you won't fire family, or you know, I can push back on every policy because in families you get to have opinions about everything, or I don't have to perform at certain standards because family loves you unconditionally.
SPEAKER_00And truly, none of this is malicious necessarily. You know, it's just the the definition that they're working from.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, exactly. And it's not that they're bad people, they're just using the same word you gave them and running it through their own experience of what the word, you know, produces for them.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, just thinking about this, just gives me so much clarity on things that have happened in in my own salon that, you know, maybe I couldn't explain at the time. Like, man, why is this person behaving this way? You know, been so good to them. And the answer was, you told them this was family. And in their family, this is what family does.
SPEAKER_01That is exactly it. And this is where it starts to become a business problem, not because your team members are wrong, but because family as a cultural framework has no clear standard, you know, it has no defined expectation, it's entirely subjective. And you can't run a business on a subjective standard.
SPEAKER_00So let's talk about the distinction, you know, because I think a lot of salon owners here stop calling it family and they start to panic. You know, they think, does that mean I have to be cold? Does that mean
I cannot care about my people?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and the answer is absolutely not. This is not about being cold. This is about being clear. And clarity is actually one of the most loving things you can offer the people who work for you.
SPEAKER_00So when you think about what does a team look like versus a family?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so let's actually define both, you know, because in a family, a traditional family structure, love is unconditional, you know, membership is permanent. You don't lose your place in the family because of your performance. You are in it regardless. And there's beauty in that for the context it was designed for.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but a business, you think about it, Lindsay. A business is not that context.
SPEAKER_01You are absolutely right, Jen. A business is not that context, you know, in a team, a real functioning, healthy team, there is deep care. There is genuine relationship, there is loyalty, but there is also shared standard. You know, there's a reason you're all here together. There are expectations, there are roles. And when someone is not meeting the standard, the team can name it and address it without it feeling like a personal rejection or a family betrayal.
SPEAKER_00I feel like that's the key, right there. What you just said. In a family, like holding someone accountable feels like a threat to belonging. And like, but in a team, holding holding someone accountable is just part of how you function.
SPEAKER_01Yes, and salon owners who are operating from the family framework, even unconsciously, find it almost impossible to have accountability conversations because in their mind and in their team's mind, correction equals rejection. And nobody wants to be the one who breaks up the family.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so the standard, you think about it, just never gets re uh never gets enforced.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you're right. This standard never gets enforced. And and then what happens is the high producers on your team, the ones who actually show up, who hit their numbers, who go above and beyond, they start to resent it because they're holding themselves to a standard that nobody else is being held to. And eventually those are the people that leave.
SPEAKER_00You know, I've Lindsay, I've seen this happen like so many times. A high producer on the team walks out the door, they leave, and the owner is blindsided. And what happened was like she stayed in the family framework too long, the standard eroded, and the person who had the most options decided to use them.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and the people who stay are often the people who benefit most from the lack of accountability, you know, which tells you everything about what the culture has become. Now that one stings. Yeah, it stings because it's true. And, you know, I say it with compassion because I've been that owner. You know, I've held on to the family narrative long past the point where it was serving anyone, including me.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So when you think about it, what does a team culture actually feel like from the inside? Because I think some owners are afraid it's going to feel corporate or cold or, you know, transactional.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and you know, you're right, Jen. And it doesn't have to. A team culture can be incredibly warm. It can be a place where people feel genuinely seen and valued and developed. And the difference is that that warmth is built on a foundation of shared purpose and clear expectation, not on the absence of accountability.
SPEAKER_00It's actually like more respectful, really, because when you hold someone to a standard, like you are saying to them, I believe you're capable of this, like I believe you can do this. Whereas when you let things slide indefinitely in the name of family, you are actually communicating, hey, I don't think you can do better. So I'm not going to ask you to.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And you think about the most damaging thing is to lower the standard and call it kindness and then call it family.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Okay, so here's where we go deeper because we've talked about the phrase, you know, or what the phrase does to the culture. But, you know, I want to talk about why owners reach for it in the first place, because I don't think it's just a word choice. You know, I think it's revealing something. And for a lot of salon owners, and I include my past self in this completely, we're like family here is not really a culture statement. It's a leadership avoidance strategy. You know, when you call your team family, you get to sidestep the discomfort of actually leading them because families don't have bosses, families don't have performance reviews, families don't have hard conversations about numbers and standards and consequences. You know, if you're someone who's afraid of being seen as the authority, if you're someone who needs your teen to like you, the family framework gives you a way to stay in relationship without ever having to step into the role of leader.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and you think about it for so many of us, the fear of authority, the fear of being the boss comes from our own experience. You know, either we had a bad boss and we never met or never want to be that person, or we come from a family where authority was unsafe, you know, or the culture of the beauty industry itself, which truly is relationship-based, very like we're all in this together, all in this together, never modeled what healthy leadership actually looks like. And you know, I remember when I really set with this the realization that I was using we're like family as a shield, because if we're family, nobody can accuse me of being a bad boss. Nobody can say I'm cold or corporate or uncaring. You know, the family label protected me from having to show up as the actual leader.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and you know, here's the painful part. It also protected you from growing into one. You got that right. You know, because the identity of I am the mom of this salon family, and the identity of I am the CEO of this business are in direct conflict. You know, you cannot fully inhabit both at the same time. And most salon owners, when they have to choose in a moment of tension, default to mom because that's the identity that they've been building for years. And I feel like the business, when that happens, pays for it every single time. Every time. You know, it's the missed accountability conversation, the policy that never got enforced, the team member who should have been let go of six months ago, who is still there. You know, all of it traces back to an owner who chose the comfort of the family identity over the responsibility of the leadership identity.
SPEAKER_00And listen up, you guys. Again, we are not saying this to make anyone feel bad. We are saying it because naming it is the first step to changing it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, naming it is everything, Jin, because once you see that we're like family is sometimes a fear response, not a culture strategy, you can start to ask a different question, you know. So instead of how do I keep everyone happy? You can start asking, how do I lead in a way that actually serves this team?
SPEAKER_00And like you just said, those are what you just stated were very different questions with very different answers, right? And the second question is the one that builds something that lasts.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, okay. So I want to take this one level deeper because I think there's a reason this is so hard. And it goes beyond just not having good leadership modeled for you. It goes beyond the beauty industry culture. It actually goes deeper than that.
SPEAKER_00We're going somewhere a little different right
now. So buckle up. I want you to stay with us because this is going to make so much sense.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you know, uh, Jin and I um had an experience not too long ago that genuinely shifted how we think about this. You know, we went to see a world-renowned doctor, not just a traditional physician, but someone who practices in a way that goes well beyond conventional medicine. You know, she looks at the whole person. And when we were talking with her uh about what we were talking to her about was genetics specifically and why certain patterns seem to run in families, you know, why certain fears, certain behaviors, certain way ways of relating to authority or medical conditions, you know, just seem to get passed down. And we asked her, I say medical conditions like it's not real, but um, you know, really certain ways of relating to authority, behavior, spheres, all that stuff, you know. Uh, we asked her about it, expecting a really complex answer.
SPEAKER_00And I remember being in that room and that was two little tiny chairs that we were sitting in. We both had our visit, and what she said to us was so simple. Like it literally, and I remember us looking at each other thinking, wow, she said, and I'm maybe fair uh paraphrasing this just a little, but it's close. She said, genetics is simply a story that gets passed from one generation to the next. We're like, what? And most people aren't even aware that they're being the same person as the last person who carried that trait. Of course, they have the same issues, but you can decide not to carry it forward. You can decide not to carry it forward. Isn't that so freeing?
SPEAKER_01Wow, yeah. I remember we just like sat with that for a long time, you know, because here's what that meant for this conversation. The reason you might be avoiding leadership, the reason the authority role feels unsafe or uncomfortable or not like you might not just be about your experience as a salon owner. It might be a story that was handed to you long before you ever opened a business.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00And I remember we talked about the science behind this. And Lindy, if I say this wrong, um, let me know. It's epigenetic, right? Epigenetics. Epigenetics, yep. Epigenetics, thank you. And that's my Southern coming out in there. Epigenetics. And the basic idea without getting too deep into the research, is that our experiences and our ancestors' experiences can influence how our genes express themselves, right? And so that's meaning the emotional patterns, the stress responses, the fear triggers, they are not just in our heads. They are literally in our biology. They got passed down.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So, you know, when we talk about the identity work, when we talk about, you know, that's when we talk about why simply knowing the right strategy isn't enough. You know, this is part of what we mean because some of what's running you is not a decision you consciously made. It's a pattern you inherited and you have been living it out so automatically that it feels like the way that you are.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00And maybe you're thinking, well, I'm just not a confrontational person, or you know, I've always been a people pleaser. Where are my people pleasers at? Yep, me. I was there once upon a time. You know, I've never been good at being the authority. You know, and these feel like facts about yourself. But what if? What if they're just stories? Stories that got handed to you, maybe from a parent, maybe from a grandparent, maybe from generations back, and nobody ever told you that you could put them down.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because here's the empowering part. And this is what that doctor was really saying. You know, genetics, the story version of genetics, is not a life sentence, it's a starting point. It is the raw material. And you are the one who gets to gets to decide what you do with it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So instead of saying, I'm this way because I'm how I was raised, right? Or this is just the way I am, the question gets to become like, is this actually mine? Or is this something I inherited that I've never examined? And that question truly changes everything because the moment that you see a pattern as something that was handed to you rather than something that defines you, you have a choice. Maybe that choice comes for the first time.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and this is, you know, the kind of work we get to go deep on inside of the salon owner code and her circle, because you know, the podcast can name it, the podcast can start the conversation, but the actual excavation, sitting there with these patterns, you know, and seeing where they came from, understanding, you know, what you've been carrying and making a conscious decision about what you take forward and what you leave behind, that is a different level of work.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it truly is. And it is some of the most powerful work that we've ever done on ourselves. I'm speaking for you too, Lindsay, because like when you understand that your resistance to leadership might be inherited, when you realize that fear isn't actually yours to keep, it stops feeling like a character flaw and starts feeling like an assignment.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, an assignment you were always
meant to complete. So, you know, with all of that said, let's talk about what you actually build when you do this work. Because naming the pattern is step one, but you still need a structure to replace it with.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so let's be practical because someone listening right now might be recognizing themselves and everything that we've said and feeling a little stuck. Like, okay, Jenna Lindsay, I've been running a family culture. My team literally calls me salon mom. Like, what do I do now?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, first, step one, breathe. This is not a crisis, this is information, you know, and information is always good, even when it's uncomfortable, because you can work with information. So, where do you start? You might be wondering. You know, you start with language because culture lives in language, the words you use set the frame for everything that follows. So the first shift is intentional. You start introducing the word team, not in a corporate way, not in a cold way, just consistently, deliberately choosing that word over. Family.
SPEAKER_00And it sounds so small, but it truly changes something. Because team implies a shared goal. You know, it implies roles. It implies that you are all here for a reason beyond just liking each other. And then from language, you move to standards. Like, what does it actually mean to be on this team? What are the expectations? Not the vibes, not the culture feels, the actual expectations. You know, what time do we show up? How do we communicate? Like, what does excellent service look like? What happens when someone doesn't meet the standard? And write it down because in a family, everything is unspoken. It can be unspoken. You just know. But in a team, the standard is documented, it's visible. It's the same for everyone. Nobody can say, I didn't know, because it's because it's truly written down.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And you know, here's the thing when you have a clear written standard, accountability conversations become so much easier, you know, because you're not saying, I'm disappointed in you as a person. You're saying this is the standard that we agreed to. And here's where we're not hitting it, you know, let's talk about what's getting in the way.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it depersonalizes it, you know, and that is the gift to everyone in the room, including the owner, because accountability is hard for the person giving it to. Um, you know, having a clear standard gives you something to stand on that just isn't your feelings. And I want to say something about the team members who are thriving in your salon, the ones who are doing the work, they're hitting their goals, you know, they're showing up. When you create a real team standard and start holding everyone to it, those people they feel it immediately. They feel seen. You know, they feel like their effort finally matters because the standard protects them too.
SPEAKER_01It does. You know, a clear standard is the most fair thing that you can create because it applies to everyone equally, which means the person who works hardest is rewarded and not just love the most, you know.
SPEAKER_00And let's talk about what this doesn't mean because I want to be clear. Building a team culture does not mean you stop caring. It does not mean no birthday celebrations or are checking in when someone's going through something hard, and it doesn't mean that you become a different person.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I love that, Jen. It means that you add a layer, you know, you keep warmth because warmth is real and it matters, and you add the structure underneath it. So the warmth has something to stand on. That's the whole thing. And when you get those two things working together, when your team feels genuinely cared for and held to a clear standard, that's when you build the kind of culture that people actually want to be a part of. Not because it feels like family, but because it feels like somewhere worth showing up to.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00So I want to close with something that I think, you know, ties all of us together because everything that we talked about today, you know, the family framework, the fear of leading, the accountability avoidance, you know, the patterns we inherit, it all comes back to one thing: identity. It always comes back to identity.
SPEAKER_01It does, you know, because the reason you reach for family is usually because somewhere inside of you, the identity of leader doesn't feel safe yet. It doesn't feel like you. Maybe it feels too hard. Maybe it feels like it means becoming someone you don't want to be. Maybe you've never seen it modeled in a way that felt warm and human and like something that you could actually do. Or maybe, and we just talked about this, maybe it's a story you inherited that was never really yours to begin with. And so you stay in the role that feels familiar, that feels like home, even when it's costing you.
SPEAKER_00What you just said right
there, Lindsay, even when it's costing you, even when it's costing you everything. And we want you to hear what this whole sh podcast episode is really about, is that you can be a leader and still be warm. You know, you can hold a standard and still be kind. And you can be the CEO of your salon and still be someone your team genuinely loves to work for. Those things are not opposites. The best leaders that we've ever encountered, the ones who built, you know, real teams, real cultures, real businesses, were not the ones who are the most laid back. You know, they were the ones who are the most clear, and clarity is a form of love.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I love that. Clarity is a form of love, and your team deserves it, and your business deserves it. And honestly, you deserve it too, because leading from fear, you know, hiding behind the family label because the leadership identity feels too scary, that's exhausting. And it's a lonely thing that's in a way that's hard to explain.
SPEAKER_00Because, like, you're like, if you think about it, you're truly carrying everything. You know, you're managing everyone's feelings, you're absorbing every conflict, you're holding every expectation, and nobody even knows you're doing it because that's just what family does.
SPEAKER_01And you were never supposed to carry all of that. You know, that was never the job. The job is to lead. And leading means putting down some of what you've been carrying and trusting that your team can hold a standard if you give them one. Guess what?
SPEAKER_00They can. They they truly, they really can. Just give them, give them a chance.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Okay, so before we let you go, you know, here's what we want you to do with today's episode. First, just sit with it. You know, don't rush past the discomfort if it's there. You know, if something we said today landed hard, that's just information. Ask yourself, where am I using family as a shield? You know, where am I avoiding a conversation because it feels like it would break something? And go even deeper. Where did that pattern come from? Is it actually mine? You know, that awareness is where the shift starts.
SPEAKER_00You know, and if you love this, you want to go deeper on this, the identity work, the inherited patterns, you know, the leadership shift, the who do I actually need to become to build the business I say I want. That is exactly what we dig into salon business school inside uh the salon owner code inner circle. You know, this is not surface level stuff. We truly go all the way in.
SPEAKER_01We do. And if today's episode resonated with you, if you heard yourself in any of this, share it, send it to another salon owner, post it on your stories, tag us, because this is a conversation the industry needs to be having.
And the more of us who have it, the better.
SPEAKER_00And we mean that. We we really do. Okay. Well, thank you for being here. Thank you for being the kind of salon owner who shows up for episodes like this one, who is willing to sit in the uncomfortable and ask the harder questions. You know, that is not nothing. That is everything. And we'll see you next week.