Hello everyone, welcome to the Narcissism Decoder. I'm your host, Anthony Mazzella. This is part two of our two-part series on covert narcissism. Today, I'd like to dive right into the tools and techniques that I find most valuable when dealing with someone who exhibits covert narcissistic traits. If you haven't listened to episode 37 yet, I recommend starting there, as we covered the foundations of covert narcissism in that episode.

In episode 37, we discussed the common recommendations for dealing with a covert narcissist, such as establishing boundaries, keeping conversations brief, and counteracting gaslighting. While these suggestions are often found on blogs and social media, I highlighted their limitations and potential drawbacks. For example, enforcing boundaries can be helpful for protecting yourself from physical abuse or overt aggression, but it may not foster a deeper relational connection. Keeping conversations brief can prevent manipulative dialogues, but it also limits meaningful communication.

We also explored the pitfalls of techniques like documenting events and maintaining a list of grievances, which can erode trust and intimacy in a relationship. Recognizing these limitations is crucial for assessing their effectiveness and considering alternative approaches, which we'll discuss today. Furthermore, I emphasized the paradoxical nature of these recommendations. Implementing these tools can mimic narcissistic characteristics, almost as if adopting them is a narcissistic move in itself. More about that is covered in the prior episode, so if you have time, I recommend checking it out.

We identified the defining characteristics of covert narcissism, such as hypersensitivity to criticism, subtle manipulation, victim mentality, and hidden grandiosity. To understand the origins of these traits, we briefly examined the psychoanalytic theory of the separation-individuation process by Margaret Mahler, which explains how early emotional misalignment with a caregiver can lead to a vulnerable self and a lifelong quest for reunion with a nurturing figure. This idea of reunion is a critical piece when it comes to effective tools and techniques.

Having laid down and reviewed this important foundation, we are now ready to explore practical strategies and therapeutic approaches that can help you effectively navigate and maintain relationships with covert narcissists.

Let's return to the clinical example I gave in part one of the wife who felt criticized, judged, and victimized when I attempted to slow her down and engage her curiosity about the impact of the labels she was using to describe her husband's behavior. She only wanted to show me how destructive his behavior was, and then she felt ganged up on and blamed, which is an example of the victim mentality I discussed earlier and in the previous episode. She shifted the focus away from her actions and toward eliciting sympathy for herself. This kind of scenario is very common.

I recently saw a telling video, perhaps from a TV show, about a woman who insisted on her view as the victim. She was complaining to her boyfriend about pressure she felt in her head, and when the camera pulled back, it revealed she had a nail in her head. When he tried to tell her that it might be the nail causing the pressure, she got annoyed and accused him of always trying to fix things when all she needed was someone to listen to her. For those of you who have encountered this kind of situation or patient, you know it's undoubtedly challenging. So, what do you do?

It was suggested in the video that if the complaints are not about you, it's best to maintain a compassionate but cautious distance. You can acknowledge her feelings without necessarily agreeing with them. This is very valuable because you can acknowledge her feelings without agreeing. As I often say, appreciate the subjectively useful component of a maladaptive symptom—get close to it. This is different from maintaining a cautious distance. If you want to maintain or develop a relationship with someone in your life who has these covert narcissistic characteristics, creating distance is not the solution.

In the video, it was suggested that you say something like, "I hear what you are saying. Tell me more about that. It sounds like this is really hard for you." The "tell me more" part is critical, and I'll loop back to this in a moment.

At this point in the video, they cut back to the woman with the nail in her head, and she continues to complain about the pressure. The man says, with great hesitation and resignation, "That sounds really hard." There's a look on his face that says, "What am I doing here?" Please keep this intervention technique in mind, as I'll return to it in a moment. The main point is that when you're with a person like this, you must be aware that if you try to "suggest" something to the covert narcissist, there's a good chance you'll come under attack. Your well-intentioned comment will be reversed, and before you know it, you’ll be accused of hurting them, just like the example I gave in episode one of the couple I was treating.

Here's another example: if someone constantly keeps you waiting, and you eventually point it out by inquiring, "Is everything okay?" or "Did something hold you up?" you might hear responses like, "You're making me feel like a terrible person just for being a few minutes late," or "Why are you always so obsessed with the time?" or "You're always criticizing me." Even though you weren't trying to start something, this is a very common reaction. You may now be asking, why do they respond this way?

If you keep in mind the theory I outlined in part one, the main goal of the covert narcissist is to achieve the bliss and contentment characteristic of that early stage of development when emotional resonance and affective attunement were missing. The intense bond with an early caregiver was ruptured prematurely at a point when they were not yet able to process this kind of rupture. The reunion that I mentioned earlier is the reunion of the grandiose self with another person who must always be there—the all-nourishing, giving, loving, caring figure that went missing earlier in life.

According to the theory, the blissful union was ruptured too quickly and became the central focus of the covert narcissist's adult life. If you keep in mind that the golden fantasy is based on a demand to be loved and gratified totally, with no requirement to do anything in return, it makes sense why they might respond this way. When you make a recommendation or try to help them think about their actions—like in the case of the wife labeling her husband's behavior as pathological—they hear only one thing: "You don't love me. You don't care about me."

When you question something or make a recommendation, you are breaking this union, which can be re-traumatizing. This is the early rupture relived. In my continuing education seminar, I go into more detail about this concept, known as a reenactment, where something from early childhood gets repeated in adult relationships. For the covert narcissist, the world becomes their caregiver, and they want one thing: to receive what went missing. On the surface, you only see them suffering or playing the role of the victim. Their longings are hidden because it is humiliating to need something.

As a quick aside, it is humiliating for any type of narcissist to have a need and to depend on someone. This is why you don't see it; instead, you get caught up in an argument about how you treated them because you broke that bond by asking a question.

When relating to them, if you subscribe to this theory, all of this becomes part of the relationship. For me, in therapy, the therapeutic technique is to attempt to understand their inner world and give it back to them in an empathic way, not as a weapon, but to detoxify it. This is known in psychoanalysis as "grist for the mill."

For example, with the couple I mentioned earlier, I slowly began to show the woman that when I asked her a question about labeling her husband's behavior, she was convinced that I wasn't interested in understanding her. That's what I mean by "grist for the mill." The goal is to validate her experience without gratifying her needs. Remember the film I referenced earlier, where the man says, "That sounds really hard"? That is an intervention that may seem helpful, but it won't lead to change.

When you validate their feelings without addressing the underlying issue, you are feeding into their maladaptive need for constant validation and attention. Instead, I might ask for clarification: "Do I understand this correctly? You see your husband as overly aggressive and uncaring about you or your feelings?" If I sense she's listening and open to hearing more, I can then label her longing for agreement—her wish that her husband would just give her what she needs, or that I would not ask any questions.

This approach helped her feel seen and understood because I was holding the goodness of her underlying vulnerability without attacking her or getting frustrated. Now, you may ask, what about their aggression? How do you deal with that?

Yes, of course, I was able to see her toxic aggression, but at this point in the relationship, it would not be appropriate to talk about that directly. If you confront your partner about their aggression, they will likely feel judged, criticized, and blamed, reinforcing their victim role. Instead, I would focus on how she felt perpetually wronged and mistreated by others.

At this point, the main goal is to be active, ask for more details and specific examples from your partner, and avoid putting up a boundary or getting distance. With the covert narcissist, I am constantly searching out and attempting to organize in their mind how they see me and everyone in their life as out to do something to them.

Later on, a more advanced tool is to help the person see how someone who always feels that nobody cares about them may want to control the interaction out of fear of being mistreated. This begins to touch on their anger by showing them how they control interactions with accusations and not allowing for another opinion or perspective. All of this supports the belief that nobody truly cares.

This approach often leads to an expanded capacity to think in terms of mental states, enabling your partner to recognize that their relationships are shaped in large part by their own perceptions and mental models of others. There are many other tools and techniques, but we have to wrap up now.

While there is much more to say, we have explored covert narcissism, highlighted its defining traits, and discussed strategies for maintaining relationships with covert narcissists. We emphasized the importance of appreciating the need for the magical union without gratifying their need for control or sympathy.

I encourage you to reach out with any questions or comments regarding these complicated processes. This topic is undeniably complex. If there's anything that requires further clarification, please don't hesitate to send me an email. Additionally, I have supporting resources, including a soon-to-be-released continuing education seminar and videos on covert narcissism. These resources are accessible through my website, which is linked below.

All right, I think we covered as much as we could today. Please feel free to reach out, and until next time, engage your mind and continue exploring the depths of psychodynamic theory and techniques to improve your relationships. Bye for now.