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For Shxtty Moms
“For Shxtty Moms” is a behavior change podcast for mom’s who are holding on by a thread. Listen as we talk to real moms about the challenges of motherhood; while exploring different strategies to help moms alike get their shxt together!
For Shxtty Moms
Episode 12: Homeschooling Journey: How a Mom of 3 Created Unique High Quality Educational Experiences for Her Children
What happens when traditional education doesn't serve your children well? For Akina, a mother of three who has spent a decade homeschooling, the answer was taking education into her own hands. In this revealing conversation, she shares her journey from banking professional to full-time homeschool parent after discovering her children were being taught concepts in school that they had mastered at home two years earlier.
Akina pulls back the curtain on modern homeschooling, dispelling myths about socialization and rigid teaching structures. Her approach is refreshingly practical: scheduling courses like college classes, incorporating martial arts six days a week for physical activity and social development, and tailoring education to each child's needs. For her gifted oldest son who completed high school math early, or her daughter who struggles with dyslexia and ADHD, homeschooling has provided the flexibility traditional education couldn't offer.
The conversation takes an honest turn as Akina discusses her serious health challenges in 2020 when she was on sixteen medications and preparing end-of-life arrangements. Her journey back to health through lifestyle changes parallels her philosophy on education that consists of finding “what works” for the individual rather than following prescribed systems. This same approach helped during COVID when her family navigated learning gaps that continue to affect children everywhere.
Perhaps most valuable are Akina's insights on maintaining balance by implementing "Self-Care Sundays," protecting her marriage through dedicated couple time, and teaching her children practical independence skills from cooking to laundry. As she puts it, "Teach them how to survive when you're gone", advice that has guided her parenting philosophy.
Whether you're considering homeschooling, struggling with traditional education, or simply looking for fresh parenting perspectives, this conversation offers practical wisdom from someone who's navigated these waters successfully for years. Listen now and discover why sometimes the best educational path is the one you create yourself.
⏰ Chapter Markers ⏰
0:00 - Podcast Introduction and Sponsor
0:56 - Meet Akina, Veteran Homeschool Mom
5:44 - The Transition to Homeschooling
15:04 - COVID Impact on Education
26:16 Social Development and Extracurriculars
34:25 - Family Balance and Self-Care
50:38 - Digital Detox: The "Ass Phone" Solution
1:30:26 - Parenting Challenges and Successful Strategies
1:45:49 - Creating Support Systems and Rewards
➣ For Guest Appearances, Sponsorship & Bookings: shxtmom@gmail.com
➣ Visit our official website: https://www.ForShxttyMoms.com
This episode of FSM is brought to you by Fidelity Behavioral Alliance, your number one source for behavior change. Fidelity Behavioral Alliance creates behavior change programs for schools, parents and organizations looking to reduce problem behaviors and improve performance outcomes. Find out more at wwwfidelitybehavioralliancecom. If you would like to sponsor an episode of FSM, email us at shitmom at gmailcom. That's S-H-X-T-M-O-M at gmailcom. M-o-m at gmailcom. It's time to put the kids to bed.
Speaker 2:So y'all get ready for another episode of For Shitty Moms.
Speaker 1:All right, welcome back everyone to another episode of FSM. I'm your host, dr Lori, and today we have another super special guest. Miss Akina is here joining us and she's going to give us some insight into her own parenting experiences, with motherhood and believe it or not, her experience and her journey through homeschool. I know this is like a hot topic lately. I've been interested and curious about some things myself, so just sit back, relax and we're going to let Miss Akina guide us through her experience and share some knowledge with us for any listeners who are interested. Hopefully you can take home some gems and hopefully this episode will give you a little more insight into what the world of homeschool life looks like for a mom. So, without further ado, akina, welcome to the show. Hello everyone.
Speaker 3:Hi, my name is Akina. I am a homeschool mom of three. I have been homeschooling for 10 years now, oh wow.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's so. You're like a veteran.
Speaker 3:I've been homeschooling on and off for like 10 years, I think. Maybe the longest I've taken from homeschooling is two years, like it was a mix, because I put my kids in middle school just so they could get that social interaction and understanding what it's like. I had them in school for maybe half a year when they were in elementary, but otherwise, yeah, we've been homeschooling for going on 10 years now. Oh wow.
Speaker 1:Okay, so just for the listeners who don't know, you give us a little background information as to your family size, what that looks like, your background and all that good stuff. So, like you already told us your name, so your age, where you're from, family size, marital status.
Speaker 3:OK, so I am Kina. I literally just turned 40 on Wednesday.
Speaker 1:Oh, you just had a birthday. Yeah, happy birthday, thank you.
Speaker 3:Everyone's asking me if I feel different. I'm like, no Good, yeah, my family size size is we're a family of five. I have my husband. We've been married for 15 years, okay, and we have three kids two boys and a girl. My oldest is years old, he is gifted and he is in 10th grade now. Okay, um, my youngest is 10 and she is in fourth grade. I, I have been really. I mean, yeah, I think that's that's about it. I try to do the best as a mom as I can.
Speaker 1:Okay, so if you're homeschooling all three, what's your occupational status right now? If you're homeschooling all three, what does that look like for you?
Speaker 3:Okay. So first, originally I was in banking. Okay, right now my occupational status is homemaker, housewife. Okay, gotcha, so I am home all day with my kids, but I do do additional stuff like I I sewing is my thing so I sew and I create stuff, and then most of the work that I get is like from word of mouth.
Speaker 3:Okay, and I'm so terrible with like social media and stuff, because I enjoy the whole creation process of making stuff. And then my husband's like honey, did you take a picture this time? And I'm like, oh, so I never post anything. But, like I said, most of my stuff is from like word of mouth, so like people don't know. Okay, well, right. Akina knows how to do that right, so what about?
Speaker 1:I know once upon a time you had an Etsy store. Is that still going? Is it still up? Do you have a social media page if people wanted to like at least ask, request your services for something?
Speaker 3:I do still have an etsy page. Right now, it's very limited and what I have it's only bows and bow ties, because my health declined after my health declined in 2020 and I was on like 16 different medications. My husband and I spoke with our life insurance agent, got all of my policy put in order because, like I genuinely did not think I was going to make it, oh wow, I didn't know that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was really, really bad. So we had to, like change our. I had to change my lifestyle. I changed my diet. I started going more organic because I noticed that all the doctors that I would go into was going to and this is not to knock doctors in any way.
Speaker 3:I believe medication is a wonderful thing but, I did notice that they kept on treating the symptoms and no one was trying to find the cause, and I felt that if they got to the root of the issue then it would be able to help. So I started my own research and I started using my old homegrown medication well, not, not western medication, but like bush medicine okay, drinking teas, drinking stuff like that to like cleanse my body and help it reset itself to get better. Okay. So yeah, that's where we were and it's been helping. I'm not where I used to be, like you said, that 2 o'clock you feel it, especially when you're up at 4.30 in the morning, you feel it as you need that break. So, yeah, I'm getting better. I'm not there yet, but every day is a little bit easier.
Speaker 1:OK, all right. Well, I'm glad to hear you're doing better, that's for sure. So with that, are the kids home with you all day Are? Are you teaching them classes?
Speaker 3:is it like back in the day how some people used to think you sit around the dinner table, everybody open a textbook and turn the page, so and so like what is the day in the life of akina look like that was how it was when we first started homeschooling, because homeschooling was like such a novel idea I know it's been like that for years but there weren't as many curriculums when we first started at least not that I knew about, especially in the Bahamas to help with homeschooling.
Speaker 3:So, like originally, like, I went to the ministry of education, I got their folder about or at least their print and I put it together in a folder of what each child should know on grade level for the school year and I would put together curriculums. Then I found out about the homeschool community and I spoke with the president of the homeschool department there and he was like Kina, if you're going're gonna do it, these are the best schools, in the order of what I think, or these are the best curriculums I think that you should try. So I started with that in the Bahamas and then, when I moved to the United States with my husband, um, we switched and we started with k-12. K-12 was well, no, this is where they went to school. They went to school in elementary for half a year like physical brick and mortar.
Speaker 1:Is that what you mean?
Speaker 3:yeah, okay, okay and I realized that what they learned at home, they were not like two years earlier. They were now just learning gotcha in school so like it wasn't helping. And then they kept on like getting in trouble because they they would get bored. Like my oldest, he's very stoic, so he'd fall asleep in class because he's like I already know this information.
Speaker 3:And then like, and then my second son would be like oh, I wonder what would happen if I tripped this person down so like he'd get in trouble, so he let the intrusive thoughts win, okay and so I was like, okay, let me see if I could pull y'all home, let me let y'all understand, okay, this is not the lifestyle y'all supposed to be living with, or at least get y'all you know in a certain in a situation where you're not so bored. And then for middle school it to be honest with you, at fifth grade, I realized that my oldest was smarter than I am okay, oh, wow okay yeah.
Speaker 3:So my, my level of what I could teach him wasn't there anymore. Like I could still help with like essays and stuff like that, but like he was no longer in. Like the typical addition, subtraction, multiplication, my, my baby was like mom, I love Pythagorean theorem in fifth grade and I'm like, okay, I don't even know what that is, so I couldn't help him anymore. Okay, I was like, okay, I went, I got them tested and they were both found gifted, okay. And then my yeah, and then my yeah, and then my daughter, um, was finally entering school. Now what I didn't realize when I moved over here was that y'all, the american school system doesn't allow kids into school before a certain age. In the bahamas, our babies are in school at 18 months.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow, okay, yeah, you don't start here until like what Five yeah.
Speaker 3:Right, so she wasn't able to start school until she was well over here. It's you turn five before September 5th, then you're able to go to school. But because her birthday is September 19th, she didn't start until she turned six, right, right?
Speaker 3:so yeah, I felt like there was a lot that I was missing and because my health was wasn't the best from then, um, I I didn't do as much with her as I should have. I was like focusing on my older kids because I was like, okay, let me make sure y'all get this, and then I could always just fix with her because, like they said, not until five, and I felt like that was a big mistake on my part, because I found that with with my boys and it's now being shown in research that kids if they get their foundation before five like especially with, like the colors, the letters, the stuff like that, the little stuff if they get it before five, they excel further and not to say that my daughter isn't doing well.
Speaker 3:She's doing very well now, but it's research is showing that if you get that basic foundation in before they turn five, they won't struggle gotcha throughout the rest of yeah, so yeah, um, like it's right now, we're still trying to fill gaps for my daughter okay, so and then?
Speaker 1:you gotta remember um how old is she, your daughter?
Speaker 1:she's 10 she's 10, so when covid hit, everything shut down. Were you guys impacted by that at all? Like, oh, yes, okay, what was that like? Because I know for us, you know my, my son when I say us, I mean like people who have their kids in traditional brick and mortar public schools it was like culture shock. Like what in the world are we doing? And I feel like myself included a lot of parents just try to get through the kids. You weren't really sure if they were learning or not. You know, trying to make that adjustment and I still feel like that age group, the kids still have deficits that they're struggling with and trying to play catch up with that. Like year and a half that they were out of school doing like online learning. I still feel like that group of kids and now they're entering middle school. You know they still have deficits. So what was that like for you guys?
Speaker 3:Absolutely yes. For us it was okay. So my kids were already mentally aware of what homeschooling was like, especially my boys. But my daughter, I put her in school at six. So she was in school for a year and a half. She was there for VPK and then the first portion of kindergarten, but then they went online and half the time either they wouldn't pay attention in class or so the teachers just didn't have an idea. They were still trying to find their ground on how to teach the kids, yeah, at home.
Speaker 3:So my daughter has a huge gap. For example, she, she. If you tell her to multiply and divide because of our, what she learned last year, she can get it like that. But if you put addition in front of her or subtraction in front of her, she struggles, okay. So, like for her, what she would have learned in first grade and second grade during the covid years, she is she're. We're filling that gap now, gotcha. So he struggles with that, okay. And then my boys because they were coming out what my oldest was, coming out of middle school and going into high school. So his going he was, he was in brick and mortar for the first year of high school and online. He didn't attend school. Well, he didn't learn anything, oh okay.
Speaker 3:He went to the classes but it literally just played in the background, okay, so he wasn't paying attention to it, right? So there are gaps that we are currently filling for all of them OK, and I feel there's a lot of things that kids in the school system right now still don't know. I agree Because, yeah, what they were supposed to learn they didn't get.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, I agree, I see it a lot with the students that I work with. I hear a lot of teachers for spring break and they were going to extend spring break and then it turned into all right, we're not coming back at all, come pick up this computer, come pick up this wireless Internet, and you know good luck, you know. So we kind of went through that, and I see with my son as well, like we've been doing tutoring, just trying to pick up and fill in the gaps, you know, because school still has to go on. They got passed on to the next grade level so no one that I've seen has really been able to play catch up. So I have been seeing a lot of parents. It's either like two sets of parents, either you just you have that group of parents where they just kind of leave things in the hands of the educators and you know, whatever their kids get, that's what they get, and the parents are going to leave it at that. And then I feel like there are some parents who have just taken matters into their own hands and they homeschool. But now I'm starting to see, as time progresses, and I guess I kind of fall into that category of the parents who still have their kiddos in homeschool.
Speaker 1:But now you're trying to supplement with other things and I guess for me, with my personal experience, I have been looking at how much we are trying to supplement his education and at this point I'm starting to question If we're doing this much already on our own while he's still in school. How much more could it possibly take to just go ahead and homeschool? I feel like we do a lot with him, as far as the academics are concerned, outside of the normal school day, and what made me look into it was one the amount of money that we're spending to supplement, to fill in those deficits. I have a lot of conversations with the teachers that are not the best of conversations. I know right now, like we're at a new school and I'm pretty sure this staff is getting sick of me. I think they hate to see me coming. I think they hate to see me coming, but my expectation is like at what point do we fill in those gaps and address the deficits? Because the curriculum is only going to get harder. You know he's only going to get challenged more and everyone is like, oh, but he's doing so. Great, yeah, but what about this over here, like, like, I'm not seeing him. He has deficits with this, he has deficits with that. When do we have a chance to address that? So we started supplementing.
Speaker 1:But even with the supplementing, we're also in that battle of trying to backtrack. So typically I try to use the breaks the summer breaks, breaks, the winter breaks to play catch up, to work on those deficits, like with the tutor and with other teachers, writing coaches, you name it. We're doing it. And then during the school year, even though we're still working with the tutors and the different companies, it's almost like he's going to school outside of school. So now we're putting in all of these additional hours and at some point you have to question okay, what kind of quality of life does my kid have right now if he's going to school during the regular day, but then we're trying to play catch up outside of school, like the regular day, but then we're trying to play catch up outside of school, like when does he get a chance to just kick back and relax?
Speaker 1:And I started questioning, like, okay, if we're doing all of this, how much, how much more would we have to do if we just went ahead and exclusively started homeschooling?
Speaker 1:And that way you, if I'm not satisfied with what's happening in the school systems, then you know I can kind of take control over it to make sure whatever deficits he has like they're being addressed. We can kind of make our own timeline as long as he's meeting certain milestones and benchmarks and standards. But at the same time that's not my area of expertise at all. So that uncertainty is really what has me hesitant, and I'm sure a lot of other parents are hesitant, because in my mind I feel like when we were growing up, what we knew about homeschool was like a mom who didn't work. You had a certain set of textbooks, everybody sit down. This is the lesson for today. And I work, my husband works. So I'm like, if we did homeschool, would I have to quit my job? Like instead, like what does that look like? So then I'm like, let me call an expert. And then I reached out to you.
Speaker 3:I'm like if anyone knows, akina will know so what I did honestly is I realized how much of a deficit my sons had, and my daughter from my oldest. I held him back a year. My baby is 15 but he's gifted and so honestly he's supposed to be in 11th grade. He's already been doing advanced placement work. So, to be honest with you, he's pretty much done with school work. He's's already finished all of his 12th grade math and all of his 11th grade language and science.
Speaker 3:So he's pretty much done with Palm Beach testing standards, except for math and language. But I realized as a mom OK, based on Palm Beach standards he could go out into the workforce, but at the same time he's only 15. Number two there's still things he does not know. So I put him. I spoke with the school that they're in now and I absolutely love it. They did a cumulative test to see where he is right now and based on it, despite the fact that according to Palm Beach standards he can go to the workforce, uh huh.
Speaker 3:But right now he's on a 10th grade level, on a 10th grade level, okay. So I said, okay, put him back in 10th grade. Oh, I love that. So, now he's in 10th grade doing 10th grade work. Mind you, he only has four subjects. Okay.
Speaker 3:I mean per week, he only has four subjects, which is unusual for him because he's used to doing like seven, eight subjects. Okay, I prefer that he actually get the knowledge, get the work, get an understanding of it all than for him to just be pushed through as another one Correct and be a failure.
Speaker 1:And see, I love that because I feel like there's a huge stigma with retention.
Speaker 1:So I'm happy to hear like someone out there, because in my field I work with a lot of special needs students and a lot of the parents do not want their kids held back. And I'm like, listen, retention is not a bad thing. Sometimes kids need extra time. They need a little more time with the curriculum. They need a little more time to really grasp the concepts. Otherwise you're building on like a rocky foundation and how long are they going to be able to sustain themselves when they really get to something difficult if they had all these deficits and you're just pushing them forward and building and building and building on top of something that's not stable? And I know there's a stigma between, like, the age and things like that. You know there are concerns with self-esteem, but if you really start to look at education through a lens of what does my child need to be self-sufficient, you know I want a well-rounded kid. What strategies, what skills do they need to make sure by the time they graduate, you know they're well-rounded and they can be self-sufficient. So I love that you're saying that you went ahead. You took the initiative and went ahead and took a step back, because you don't hear a lot of parents doing that and it turns into yeah, you do have high school seniors graduating and they're not equipped to move on to the next level and they still go to college. And then they're not equipped to deal with the demands and meet the demands of college. Even when they go to a junior college, they're not ready to meet the demands at junior college either, or community college they're not ready.
Speaker 1:When these kids enter programs to do a trade, they're not prepared for that either. Because I think somewhere along the lines the idea was oh, you can do trade school if you don't go to college and it's easier. No, it's not. You still have to get licensed. You still like, you're in the workforce, you have a responsibility and you have to meet certain demands. You still have to test. I think there's a huge stigma out there with that as well. Go to go to trade school, you don't have to worry about all those tests. Yes, you know, even if you go into retail or if you're in the food industry, you need to know what. What is it called? Like food safety? You need to know the rules and the laws. You have to be tested on those things, or it can become a public health issue if you're not doing things the right way. So I love hearing someone say that it's okay to to take a step back to make sure the child is is prepared and they have what they need.
Speaker 3:I think it all goes with pride too, because we love posting our kids victories absolutely but the minute they mess up on something it's embarrassing. But me personally, I have that alligator skin. I'm like, at the end of the day, I'm gonna do what's best for my baby. Okay, I don't mind if I'm embarrassed, or I don't mind you, it's fine, you could say what you want about me. You could talk and be like oh, kenna, your baby had to repeat Okay, guess what. I woke up this morning and the sun was still shining.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 1:And that is it is a lot of pressure. It is definitely a lot of pressure. I was telling my sister today. I work in a classroom with kindergarten students and I do a lot of trainings with teachers, like in a workshop setting, and then, if they're still having challenges, I'll go into the classroom, I'll do my observations and, you know, see where we can kind of work out the kinks. And I get a lot of kindergarten teachers who are just so distraught and they'll come to me like this, this child, they just don't belong in here. You know, they don't know their letters, they don't know this, they don't know that and I'm like, contrary to popular belief, this is where they're supposed to learn it.
Speaker 1:You know we push a lot of early intervention and preschool and vpk, but legally kids don't have to go to preschool, they don't have to attend VPK. Is it good if they get the early exposure and they become adjusted and familiar with what a classroom is and the concept of a teacher being another adult who's in charge? Yes, that's great, but the reality is a lot of parents can't afford it. Even if they have vouchers, they still can't. You know, the voucher only pays for four hours, you know. So most parents work for eight hours, what is my kid going to do for the second half of the day? So if you can't pay for it those remaining four hours, then you can't. You still can't afford preschool for your kid. In preschool right now the cost is outrageous.
Speaker 1:So now we're getting a lot of kids who don't go to preschool. They stay home, maybe with a grandparent, and by the time they turn five or six, that's their first exposure to a classroom setting. So if they don't have parents who are teaching them letters and number concepts and things like that at home, then I'm sorry, kindergarten teacher, you're gonna have to teach it. It doesn't mean that the kid doesn't belong there, but I think somewhere along the lines even the teachers don't understand that if you are kindergarten, really you are starting with a blank slate. You have a blank slate and it's your job to teach those concepts. And I get a lot of kindergarten teachers who are just stressed out and overwhelmed because this, this baby has never been to school before. They're looking at you like an alien with four eyes. No, they don't know how to sit down they. They don't understand that they have to listen to somebody other than mom, dad or grandma. So this whole concept of a teacher is foreign and you're telling me what to do all day.
Speaker 2:No, I want to play and I don't want to do letters, you know exactly.
Speaker 1:So I'm starting to see a lot of teachers more so stressed out because the kids are not coming in with those skills when really they don't understand that they are supposed to teach those skills. So we did hold a training with a few district coaches and the coaches had to explain to them, to the teachers like, listen, if a kid comes in and they don't know what the letter A is, they, they don't have to you know, and you're going to have to start there. And yes, it's rough, because now you have some kids who may have gone to a really good preschool and now they're in your classroom and you have some who have been with grandma since the day they were born and as a teacher you gotta meet the needs for both. Yeah, and you only have your 10 months to do it before they move on. And we really don't have a lot of summer school programs either.
Speaker 1:If the kids are significantly behind, I feel like I've been seeing more schools push for summer school after COVID. So like that post-COVID OK, now we're going to open up. Okay, now we're going to open up, but most of the time the budgets don't even support teachers. You know, a full teaching staff to cover summer school or summer school, let's say, the summer is 10 weeks summer school, and I use that loosely with air quotes. Summer school might last for four weeks if you're lucky, and that doesn't include Fridays, you know. So if you don't have parents who are really huh, say that again.
Speaker 3:Most of it is and most of it is field trips. Yeah, that too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so if you don't have parents who are really comfortable with the idea of teaching their kids and finding a curriculum and doing something, you know what happens to those kiddos. So it's just interesting to see that this is becoming more common than not. I mean, I think COVID has a lot to do with it. I think the political climate has a lot to do with the way that things are going. So now you do have parents who are, who are looking elsewhere, and I feel like a few years ago the the solution and again I say that loosely the solution was, you know, everyone was doing this choice right, choice schools, choice programs and charter schools like that was the answer. So public school wasn't working. Everyone can't afford private school. Charter schools were like this godsend, this was the answer.
Speaker 1:And a lot of parents went ahead and put their kids in charter schools, not realizing they are loosely governed by, like the public school system, right, and they can do what we call selected enrollment. So if you don't fit the mold, if your kid doesn't fit the mold of what they're looking for at that particular charter school, then those charter schools can easily say, yeah, we accepted you, but this isn't working out. You may want to go back to your, your public school. Have a nice day, and there is no penalty for it. If you are dissatisfied with what's happening at a charter school, it's not much that you can do. You know, if you get an administrator who is willing to listen to your concerns and who is willing to make an attempt to address your concerns, then great, you're lucky, because a lot of them are like maybe this isn't a good fit for you. Have a nice day.
Speaker 1:And unfortunately a lot of parents don't learn that until it's too late. You know a lot of parents don't know that until something happens. Or if they have a kid with special needs and those needs aren't being met, there's an issue. And then they find out like oops, I thought they would help. So I like the public school system because at least there's some degree of accountability if, if the the needs of the child aren't being met, you know there's a process that you can go through to at least see what your options are.
Speaker 1:But like me, my kiddo, like he, has his special needs, but he's also in advanced classes and I feel like for me a lot of teachers don't know how to navigate those waters either. You know, I have a kid with ADHD. Adhd is not autism, you know, adhd is not down syndrome. So certain disabilities people are aware of, they have an idea of how to deal with it, how to navigate it. But when you have a kid who has ADHD, who needs to be redirected, you know a few times but also understands the curriculum and may get bored easily. Now that's a whole nother set of issues and I feel like I keep running into the same problem and as a parent.
Speaker 1:It's like, okay, I could educate these teachers, but then it becomes a battle. Like you said before, pride is a huge issue. It's pride on behalf of the parents. But then there's another attitude where the teacher is always right. Right, the teacher is in charge, the teacher is the boss.
Speaker 1:And getting any teacher or administrator to say, hey, maybe we don't really know how to navigate this situation, maybe we need to troubleshoot. Most of these teachers are not willing to say they don't know. And the truth of the matter is in my line of work from a professional standpoint, they really don't know, they are ill-equipped, they don't have enough training, and then they're not open to the training either. So then it's like do I spend most of my time fighting, struggling, trying to teach something that I'm willing to teach, or do I invest that time and energy into my own child to make sure he's getting what he needs? So I feel like a lot of parents are going to start falling into that category where they're right in the middle.
Speaker 1:My kid needs a level of support. The needs aren't being met. What do I do? Do I keep fighting? Do I bounce around from school to school until I find the right fit, or is there another option? So what made you decide like homeschooling was the option, because I heard you say like you did have your kids in public school once upon a time. So was it that like the behaviors and it was like, oh, this is not really a good fit, let's switch, or what?
Speaker 3:what was the determining factor for you, okay? So let me just tell you, like I said before, my oldest. He's very stoic, he's very calm, and this is something that most parents when they start homeschooling they learn the different personalities of their kids. So for me, like if one of my kids takes a snack, I know, okay, exactly which kid took that type of snack. That has nothing to do with what we're saying, but you will learn your personalities of your kids and, with that being said, you'll be able to tell okay, this kind of kid is a sit down and learn from a book child, whereas the other one is more tactile learner. So for my oldest, I realized that he could sit down for hours, let the teacher talk in the background and at the end of the day. So he just told me on friday he was like mom, I already figured out the ai algorithm for the tests that they provide. So he, he already knows. Okay, I have to do a CCBA and I'll get 100%.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3:Like wow, after read the book, because I think I was like like you go sit down and read Pride and Prejudice, little boy, but the reason I so I told you I wanted them to get into middle school to get that social development okay right because, I mean, honestly, I'm still socially awkward.
Speaker 3:But my second son was really socially awkward, okay. So my husband and I had decided from a long time ago once they hit middle school, they go into school from middle school and then we'll bring them back home if necessary for high school or they can continue on, okay, in brick and mortar high school. But my second son, he's very tactile, he learns by seeing and touching, so and he always believes he's the great defender.
Speaker 3:So right now we were and I don't want to bring race into it, but it is something that I've learned living in america it is a factor even though we try to keep it under the rug and pretend like it's not right but we live in a predominantly white neighborhood and so the school that he went to was a predominantly white school, okay, and my baby would constantly get bullied, and then he would always end up seeming like the problem Okay, not because it was actually the problem, but just because of the fact of the color of his skin. No one took the time to investigate what was happening. Oh, wow.
Speaker 3:And my favorite straw was when he was in school. Him and his friend were answering questions and they must have been told by the teacher if they finish up early, they could leave early or something like that. And his friend kept on answering the questions or asking questions of the teacher. And so this guy told his friend, if you don't shut up, I'm going to tape your mouth shut. And he was like you're not going to do that in front of me, or something like that to that effect. And so he was like well, the other kid was like well, what you won't do. And because he does martial arts, he was like I know how to do lots of stuff. I can put you, I can do this and I can do that. And the last thing that he said was I also know how to put you in a chokehold. And the minute he said that, the kid jumped up and was like miss, whatever, whatever he said, he gonna choke me.
Speaker 3:He said, oh my goodness right so now it's, now it's a threat. So now it's the threat and he's been sent home, suspended and put on whatever written a write-up. Okay, yeah.
Speaker 3:So I was like wait. So when the teacher emailed me and was like your son said he was gonna choke someone because I know their personalities I'm like, are you sure that's what he said? I don't right. Like like that's not the first thing my son is gonna go to correct, you know. So when he, when she, when she did that, when he came home, I started asking questions and I was like, okay, baby, what happened? And he explained the story to me and I was.
Speaker 3:I emailed the teacher back and I was like did you ask what happened? And she was like, well, no, because they said they said yeah, didn't ask any questions. She, she was like they said he said this. And I was like, well, that's not how you're supposed to do it, but from what I heard, or what he told me, this is what happened. And I broke it down for her and she was like, oh well, now that we know that, um, we, we won't, we, he, he won't have to do the detention anymore or he won't have to be suspended anymore, but he's still going to have to do detention and it's going to remain on his record. And I was like, um, that's not right either, because you didn't do your job.
Speaker 3:I had to do your job for you, and so I did a whole long email to her.
Speaker 3:I was like, listen, I don't, don't tell me, it's going to remain on his record, because it doesn't matter if you go to a vet to buy a puppy and that puppy one day, because he had something stuck in his tooth, bit someone and they wrote on his record that he bit them and because they the puppy was scared at the time when he bit them because of the person shouting and he peed. It's now on his record that he is a puppy that bites and pees, born at the same time as his brothers and sisters. That puppy is not going to get be the first choice to be adopted, correct, because it's on his record that he is a puppy that bites and pees, correct. So don't tell me it's not going to affect him, because the first thing they asked me for when my son was going into high school my oldest son was going into high school was his disciplinary record yeah, I said just be just based on the fact that I am a mom that has the time to sit down and do the investigation.
Speaker 3:What about all the other parents that don't have the time because they're working two jobs and they just take it on face value, based on what you said, because you're the teacher, when in actuality you did not do your job?
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 3:So, so, after that, that was my final straw and I was like okay, you know what, baby, you coming back home yeah and so now they're back in school and back in homeschool and they've been at it for the past.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they have the freedom to, first of all, with the school they're in. Now we schedule their courses just like if you're in college. So they're learning how to be more self-sufficient with homeschooling. To be more self-sufficient with homeschooling um, they, they the way they planned it out. They have their days where, okay, I know, I don't have to wake up until 11 o'clock, so they have their shifts. Oh, wow, so start until 11 o'clock, I don't have to wake up before then. Oh, that's so. They love it and they know okay, with mommy, we have to get our work done before we can have any time to go on our games or anything like that. So once they get their work done and maintain their grades, they're fine to do whatever they want, okay, like play their xbox and stuff, but I still limit their time okay with the games.
Speaker 1:So they love it. And then, what about the social aspect? Because I hear that even to this day, I still hear people saying like oh, you know, the kids need to socialize. Homeschool is not good. So what are your thoughts on that and what have you found to work for you guys?
Speaker 3:So they forged friendships while they were in school. Right now, both my sons are by a friend that they met in school. Okay. And then also do jujitsu, so they have jujitsu six days a week. Oh, wow. Monday through Friday from 5 and 5.30 to 7.30. And then on Saturdays from 9 to 11. Okay, so they get that social aspect and then, of course, church, so we still get the social interaction and whatnot. And I set up play dates, and it's not play dates when you're're older.
Speaker 1:Yeah, hanging out. Yeah, don't say playdates.
Speaker 3:But, yeah, they still get that social interaction and because I think it was a good idea to put them in school for that space of time so they know what it's like outside of the little bubble that we have at home, right, but yeah, otherwise, their personalities are already formed right. They're not going to change their personalities and so if they like a person, they choose to hang out with that person. If they don't which my second son has never met a person he doesn't like okay, the social butterfly okay, that's good.
Speaker 1:So this is completely opposite.
Speaker 1:He's like oh, humans, oh he's had enough peopling for the day. Okay, well, that's good. At least you found some solutions and you found something that works for you guys. So I'm hearing a lot, a lot, a lot about like their scheduling, their interests. So where does that put you now as mom? Do you get an opportunity to have like alone time, private time? Do you make time for you and your husband? Like, what does that look like? Because a lot of time, like you said, you guys, it sounds like you guys have your little bubble right for your family, but where does that leave you as mom, wife and then just akina, what does that look like for you?
Speaker 3:so my husband and I, from we got married, we made up, we made a promise to each other, like we always had it set, so that we knew at the end of the day, our kids are going to grow up and they're going to leave home. But we don't want our relationship because we clearly initially liked this person to begin with in order to marry them. And as you get older, your personality change, you change, so you want to grow with that person, as opposed to watching you grow separately and him grow separately and then at the end of the day, be like, oh, I don't even know this person anymore, I don't like them anymore. Right, so we made up in our mind we're gonna find a way. So for us, we set things. We haven't set that like our kids try us, but at the end of the day, we're always together on things.
Speaker 3:Okay. So even with discipline, like you can't come to me and be like mom, can I have this? And then daddy said I can have it or use, or, or something like that. Yeah, it's not gonna be where his answer is different from my answer right we're gonna be like what did your dad say?
Speaker 3:okay what did? Your mom right so you're a team right, we're a team and then we do dates. We date even when we even if we have to do it at home and we only eaten pea soup and dumpling. At the end of the day, we're gonna have our date night, okay, together and our kids once their schoolwork is done. Now that they're older, they don't want to be around us anymore. So we still have like family times, like Friday nights are dedicated to family movie night. Sunday is dedicated to family dinner.
Speaker 3:All the rest of the nights my husband and I, once he gets home, we make sure we spend at least two, three hours together just hanging out, me and him talking about his day, my day, what we could do, like how much he has to give, like emotionally, physically, okay, how he felt about what his day was like. Like we sit down and we talk about it. Okay, how he felt about what his day was like, we sit down and we talk about it. You know, I always say like, at the end of the day, my husband is the head of the home but I'm the neck. He makes the decisions. But at the end of the day, as a wife, I have to help, support him and keep him standing up, holding up on the other side. He can't turn this without this on the other side, like he can't turn this without that. So we in it together.
Speaker 1:Right, I like that. Okay. So what about you for yourself? How do you carve out, or do you have a chance to carve out time for yourself with?
Speaker 3:just you alone.
Speaker 2:Oh honey, let me tell you alone oh honey, let me tell you, I didn't start carving out time for me until three years ago, okay.
Speaker 3:Okay, let me tell you why. Because I sat down and I thought back and I looked at myself. When my kids were in elementary, I met with one. I went I met a lady in the principal's office. She was picking up her grandchild, she was with her husband, but you could tell that she was like going through early onset Alzheimer's, okay, and I was like, oh my gosh, I've seen you in pictures. You're my husband's second mom or whatever.
Speaker 3:It was like a lady who, who wasn't really the mom, but you know, he knew her and he used to call her mom like way back. So they were pictures together. And she was like, oh, are you his mom? And I was like, well lord, do I look that old? And I was like, uh, no, I'm his wife. And about four or five years ago I sat down and I looked in the mirror and I was like, oh K Kina, you really need to do better. Like every day I get up, I would get up and I make sure I take care of everybody else. And then I'd be like you know what? I don't have anything else to give, I've got nothing for me.
Speaker 3:So, all I'm going to do is this little bath and go to bed. Okay. But four or five years ago I looked at myself and I was like kina. At the end of the day, your health is like this because you kept on giving to everyone else oh, wow, okay so now I make sure I carve out times for me like sundays. This is self-care sunday, okay this is for me okay so I make make sure that Sundays are just for me. Good.
Speaker 3:I no longer cook every single day Like I do. I still have to cook three meals a day, yeah, but I also meal beforehand, okay. So like it's easier for me to just pull a meal out that I've already prepped for the week and stick it in the oven or put it in the pressure cooker or in the hot pot for the week and stick it in the oven or put it in the pressure cooker or in the hot pot, like I now I make sure that I make time, yeah, for yourself.
Speaker 1:I love that good, and you have to. Yeah, the stress is real. Um, it will take you out. Uh, I I was just talking to a cousin of mine and we kind of he's maybe like two years older than I am and he was just like he was serious. But just hearing him, knowing how we grew up, he's like man, we're getting old, you, and he takes his, his morning smoothie, like he is serious. He is serious about his morning smoothie and apparently he goes to the gym like in the mornings and he's serious about it. And he was kind of reprimanding one of my family members who's like been getting sick, but they're not. You know, we're all close in age, but this family member has been pretty sickly, pretty ill, and he's like we're getting older, like you have to do something for yourself With him. His thing is his morning smoothie and going to the gym. He does not waver with that at all and he's like you can even do exercises in a chair at home, you can do exercises in the bed and he starts like I don't know if you remember the show sit to be fit, like back in the day. So he's like doing the little moves like you can do, sit to be fit, like there is no excuse, and I'm like you know what you do.
Speaker 1:We do have to prioritize our health, especially as moms, because that is something that we will go to bat for our kiddos, we will go to bat for our spouse, and then, when it's time for us, it's like oh, I'm too tired, I can't move, I'm so sleepy, I'm so this, I'm so that and yeah, you do your health will decline from it. So I'm glad to hear that you are doing your self-care. I'm glad to hear that you are doing better, because that's super important and the better you are, the better your family is going to be. So I'm glad that you recognize that. How would you describe yourself as a mom? That's what I want to know. With everything that you have going on, how would you describe yourself as a mom?
Speaker 3:You know, I was in Bible study on Wednesday and I was sitting down listening to the mom's talk. I was sitting down listening to the mom's talk and I told a mom I was like you know, if at some point you don't question if you're doing it right, if you're doing a no, I said I feel like as a good mom, because this is what a friend of mine told me. My friend, wendy, was like you know, the mere fact that you can say I don't think I'm doing good as a mom means that you care enough and that makes you a great mom. Because I never felt like I was doing good enough. I'd always like, don't get me wrong, my kids are amazing. And people would say, oh my gosh, your child is this, your child is that. But every day I'd feel like I wasn't good enough. Okay, I don't feel that way anymore. Okay, because I realized that no one is perfect. And the reason I'd feel that way is because I had to snap at my son for something.
Speaker 3:Or my baby went and ate the last of the snacks that wasn't in her lunchbox and I was. I had that originally set aside for another day, or something like that. She ate more than she was eat, or something like that, and I'd never feel like I did good because they made a mistake or they didn't do something that was in my plans okay, okay and I'd feel so guilty for having to snap at them or having to discipline them.
Speaker 3:And then my friend was like you know, at the end of the day, the fact that you're questioning whether or not you're doing the right thing for my family makes you a good mom, yeah, you know. So now I look at it and I'm like we survived another day that's a win.
Speaker 1:In my book you made it exactly.
Speaker 3:So I mean, and then this is. I guess this, this entire conversation is another proof that I must be doing something right. Yeah. Because you're not the only person that's come to me for advice on what they should do with whom and stuff. So I I feel like no one is perfect. No one will ever be perfect. The only person that was ever perfect was Christ. I still flip tables in the temple, so, at the end of the day, all we can do is do our best, give our best yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:And I will say that is the premise of this entire show, and I always have to explain this to people because they hear them all. I mean, they hear the name of the show for shitty moms and they're like, oh my gosh, I just had someone, I invited someone to do an interview and I'm like, yeah, I have a podcast, it's called for shitty moms, and I just wanted you to come on the show and share your expertise. And it was after we were done filming the show. She was like this was really great, because you know, when I heard the name, I was like, oh my god, for shitty moms, am I? Is this like DCF is gonna get involved? Or something like what are you doing? So I had to explain like no, the name came from just feeling overwhelmed and feeling inadequate, like I'm not doing everything that needs to be done as a mom. Why is this so hard? Or I just can't get it right. Or oh my god, I'm failing my child. What am I gonna do? And I I had to say like I am definitely not promoting child neglect, child abuse or anything of that sort with the name of the show. But it's really describing that feeling that you get as a mom, when you're just always trying to do better, right?
Speaker 1:Typically, I feel like the moms that I've come across, they're always looking to see where they can make some improvements, you know, to make sure they have a well-rounded, self-sufficient, independent, considerate child who can also, you know, advocate for themselves when they need to and just learn how to navigate the world without your parent being there. Right, because we're not going to be here forever. So I think sometimes parenting not just motherhood, but parenting in general puts you in that state of mind of oh my gosh, my kid doesn't know how to do this. Oh my gosh, my kid doesn't know how to. Oh my God, I'm a failure. Like, what am I doing wrong?
Speaker 1:And sometimes you do have to pump the brakes and say, okay, maybe I'm not going to teach my child every single thing that they need to know to be successful or self-sufficient and independent, right, but I can teach them how to navigate different environments to obtain whatever it is that they need. Right, our parents didn't teach us everything that we need to be successful or be independent, but we know how to navigate our way and we know how to find resources to give us what we need. So that's kind of how the show started, because there is no way that I can do everything that my and give him everything that my son would need to be successful and be independent. Right, and for me, my biggest thing is I want him to be independent, I want him to have good relationships and connect with people, but I also really need him to know how to take care of himself. You know, when me and dad are no longer in the picture.
Speaker 1:But then I also realized, like you know what that's why they say it takes a village like you need to reach out, and if it's something that I don't know how to do, we'll find someone who does right. I can't do everything, but I can get help. I can get resources. I can have people teach me or, you know, give me little gems and little strategies that would help me overcome my own like insecurities and then help me learn how to help him or even just how to guide him to find his own help when he needs it, because he's not gonna know everything either, just like we didn't. So I want to know, with that being said, um, what was a recent shitty mom experience that you've had and I see you laughing, so this must be a good one. So I want to know like what was your most recent shitty mom experience?
Speaker 3:all right. So my daughter? She's 10, but she still sucks her finger okay we have tried everything I mean everything to get her to stop sucking her finger. We have tried devices. Right now she has braces. She also has a crib in her mouth that's supposed to keep her from even being able to get her finger in her mouth okay also has like these things that are behind her teeth that are supposed to prick her finger, and she puts her thing.
Speaker 1:None of it is working oh, oh, my goodness, okay so it's already frustrating for me.
Speaker 3:So the last thing I did was I bought another device that's supposed to go over the hat and she kept on. She kept on asking me mom, what do um, can I take it off to go to jujitsu? And I'm like no, you're not taking it off anymore, you're gonna keep it on. She's like well, what am I supposed to tell people if they ask why I'm wearing it? And I just got frustrated and I was like you know what? Tell them drink water and mind their business. And she came home that afternoon and she was like mom, I did it. And I was like you did it, you did what I told them. And I was like you told who what. And she was like I told them to drink water at my never business and I was like oh, oh, oops, and I was like oh, bad mom, bad mom.
Speaker 3:So that that was interesting having their jujitsu teacher contact me about the song.
Speaker 1:Oh no oops, well, it happens okay. So look, sometimes, look, I have to remind parents and kids, like moms are human. Sometimes we, we get overwhelmed, we get overstimulated, we hit our max. And we, we get overwhelmed, we get overstimulated, we hit our max. And sometimes you just have to say like, look, I don't have an answer. And and sometimes whatever comes up, comes out, it is what it is. That's just the nature of that's just the nature of parenting. And sometimes you know, you just realize what kind of kids you have. Like, like, oh, okay, next time I got it. Like, so maybe with your sons you can say something like that. But at least you know now, with your daughter, like whatever comes up, comes out, she's going to repeat and like, okay, my mom said, my mom said I can say, she really did right.
Speaker 3:She'll be like daddy. Do you know what mommy did today, mom?
Speaker 1:it wasn't even that big it happens, it happens so okay. So that leads me to my next question right now um, what are your three biggest challenges as a mom right now?
Speaker 3:okay, so okay, first of all, it's. There's that, um, now that my daughter is in at an age where it's no longer so, you know, like when you're teaching your kids discipline, you're like okay, one, two, three. At a certain point they're gonna realize I don't really have to move until mom gets to three, okay. So now I I'm trying to get my daughter to realize baby, you need to move on one. Okay, so now it's, it's. It's, that's one of my challenges, trying to get her to understand that.
Speaker 3:Another, all of my challenges right now are with my daughter because she's me. So it's constantly that struggle of arguing with myself okay, I'll be like, baby, the sky is blue. And she'd be like actually it's sky blue with hints of white for clouds, and I'm like, maybe we saying the same thing. No, we're not. So my biggest challenge is all three of my biggest challenges will always come back to my daughter okay, getting her to understand to move on one, getting her structured in a, in a schedule, to know okay, this needs to be done at this time because my baby is a professional time waster. Oh no, oh no. Okay, I have jujitsu at this time. So if I take 50 million hours to get this done. It's not gonna be done for jujitsu, and then mom is not gonna make me do it when I get back home. Okay, so it's like getting her to understand time constraints okay and the other thing like sneaking.
Speaker 3:Sneaking snacks like those my biggest challenges. Like sneaking snacks Like those are my biggest challenges right now. Sneaking snacks Baby, you have enough sugar. I put treats in your lunchbox for a reason, right, so stick with that.
Speaker 1:Right, right, okay. So what have you found that actually has been helping, and have you found any strategies that are helping with that, or are you still exploring? What does that look like?
Speaker 3:Solutions to these challenges right now. Okay, so my strategies right now that I have find have been working, especially with the time constraints thing, is exercise, believe it. Or I'm like, okay, I set timers if my daughter doesn't get what I assigned to her done in the time frame. And I set realistic timers, I'm not gonna be like, okay, you have to finish the whole page in two minutes. I set realistic timers for my daughter's personality. Okay, if she doesn't get it done in the time frame that she's supposed to get it done, because she needs to be able to focus and get what she needs to do done in the time frame. If she doesn't get it done in that time frame, I'm like, okay, you got 15 squats or you got many push-ups, okay. And now she's realizing, okay, time is money, because there's a consequence be an island, you know, like our first go-to is always spanking yeah, definitely that's, that's not, that's not.
Speaker 3:That don't work for my daughter, so that's not me. Okay. She's like oh well, I'll take this and roll with it. She will be like okay, you won't let me do this, that's fine, I. So yeah, it literally has to be something that she's going to understand and learn from. Okay, and so squats, the push-ups, stuff like that my baby gonna be have the strongest legs ever. Okay, no, now she's. Now she's doing much better. She's, she's. She's like okay, yeah, okay, I. I.
Speaker 1:This hurts yeah, and in the world of behavior therapy we call that positive punishment. So you're adding um like a, a negative stimuli or an aversive stimuli to the environment to make her stop doing something in the future, so that something in her case would be the procrastination. So she'll, she'll definitely figure it out and put two and two together, like you said, like, oh, the more time I waste, oh man, I'm going gonna have to do some exercise. So I mean, and that's good, that you have something um in place that works, that is working and that she's starting to understand. Uh, so that's good. I like to hear that. What about the um, the counting down? What about that?
Speaker 3:That's good. I like to hear that. What about the?
Speaker 1:counting down. What about that? Sorry, you broke up. What was that? The countdown? The counting down, initiating the task by the time you get to one.
Speaker 2:There's no more counting. What are you doing? Okay, no more counting.
Speaker 3:That's the timer too. There's no more counting. You do, aaliyah, go and take a shower. If you don't do it when I say you were supposed to do it, you're in penalty zone. So, with penalty zone, you have this amount and I have it. I created a list and I put it on my refrigerator. It goes for all of them. Like they don't finish the or they don't complete their chores the right way. Like my boys, I'll be like cleaning the kitchen. They think cleaning the kitchen means putting the dishes into the dishwasher. That's not it. You're not done. You should wash out the sink. You didn't wipe down the countertops. You didn't finish your chores Right. So with that, you have 50 push-ups. Okay.
Speaker 3:So yeah, now they know. Okay, this is what we need to do okay, so there is no more countdown okay, you're of the eight, where there's no more one, two or three, there is only one.
Speaker 1:Oh, good, I like that, I like that, and then they'll definitely catch on, because I know that exercise is it can be very, very, very aversive, I think for me. I've started with the phone, um, taking that away, uh, depending on what my little one has going on, because that is like, and I was telling my husband like I don't want that to be the go-to, you know, because now we're in a time where initially, when he started middle school, it was kind of like, oh, he really doesn't need a phone. And then, once I started thinking about, I'm like, no, if something happens, like he needs to be able, yeah, to get in touch with me, but the phone was like, the phone was killing me, um, between, like the group chats, the games that you can download, um, I had some friends tell me about what is it? Iphone has it's called screen time and it's supposed to pretty much be like the parental controls for the phone. That is a joke. These kids know how to circumvent whatever little firewall is there, whatever little like. Even the other day I'm looking at the phone because it's supposed to be on a timer when he can access certain apps and when he can't, and on the screen it will give him the option to extend the time or not, like do you want to ignore this timer? So I'm like I know I set his phone to like cut off at this time. It's supposed to block certain apps at this time. And I'm looking at him still playing the game right in my face. So I'm like, let me see your phone and a little thing will just like a little dialog box will pop up. Would you like to extend the time? Would you like to ignore the time today? And all he has to do is click yes and he can ignore the timer. He can ignore the controls. So what I ended up doing is, um, I found another phone that I pay maybe like $30 a month for. It looks like a smartphone, but it does not have an internet browser on it at all.
Speaker 1:So like he, I mean one day I don't know what it was between like the friends on the phone, because we try to keep him involved in extracurricular activities. But you know, it's kind of hard to link up with other parents who have kids your age Just to be around, parents who are doing something outside of the house, outside of video games and things like that. So my husband and I we have been like actively looking for like other kids for him to hang out with. He is an only child, um, but it's like all of the kids in his circle, like my, my son. I always refer to him as a gamer. He's a gamer kid, so it's hard to get him around kids who are not gamer kids and in his circle he's starting to almost become like the outcast, because we do have him in basketball, we do have him in piano, so I can hear sometimes on the game if they're playing like I don't know a tournament or something, and we're like all right, it's time for basketball, we gotta go. And he's gotta tell his friends now like I gotta go.
Speaker 1:And I mean these kids are like, these kids are ruthless. Sometimes Like you have to leave again, like I heard one of them tell him. Like if you leave I'm going to hate you because I guess they're like in the middle of a competition, so like we're supposed to be on the same team and if you leave me I'm going to get killed or I'm going to die or something like that. So I'm like I understand. But then it got to a point where, like me and dad are trying to wrestle him away from the phone and he's like, but I don't want them to be mad at me, you know, or like now they tease him. You always have to leave, we're going to play without you. You know that taunting starts to happen and he's just like one day he called himself like he's going to put his foot down with us Because we keep interrupting his game and like his friends are getting upset with him, that he always has to leave. And why does he have to do? Like, why do I have to go outside and play? Why do I have to play basketball? Why do I have to practice piano? Why do I have to get off the game? All my friends don't have to get off the game. And we're like you know what? You are absolutely right, those kids are on that game, I mean, from the time it can be seven o'clock in the morning and if he's, if he's not already on the game by 7 am, they're like calling him on the game, like get on, get. Where are their parents? So one day I just had it and I was like you know what there's got to be.
Speaker 1:Like I went to AT&T, like, look, my kid needs a flip phone, like I mean some old school Nokia, metro give me something and they're like man and I'm like no internet. I don't want a piece of internet on the phone at all, and it's kind of like we don't have phones without internet access. Like what are you talking about? So I ended up getting the phone through, like I don't know. I googled and there's a phone called like a gab phone and it's different levels to it and they recommend it by like age group. So so I actually got him the phone, not the advanced one, because the advanced one has internet, but it will shut the internet off completely.
Speaker 1:Like after a certain amount of time with his. His has no internet at all. Um, if he wants to do a group chat or anything like that, it has to be done through the app and like only certain people, certain family members, have access to it. Um, certain phone numbers like can't even call his phone. So I'm like you know what? We're gonna take a break, we're gonna detox a little bit, we're gonna hit the reset button, because this is like me and dad are really struggling. I understand like we're outnumbered right now, but just because the majority of the people around you are doing a certain thing, that doesn't make it right and it even became like a struggle for me and dad because it, you know, we started to second guess, like, oh, we are kind of making him a little ostracized a bit because his crew you know his buddies, they are gamers. But we just started seeing things within that little community that we did not approve of. So we're like let's take a break.
Speaker 1:So with the phone, this is a funny story. When I was explaining to my son I was like it's not gonna be done. In a way that's malicious, like we're gonna sit down, we're gonna have a conversation, um, we'll start it at a certain time so he doesn't feel like he's just being punished and the phone is just being taken away. So I'm like, okay, sunday will be the last day. We're gonna switch out the phones. You're gonna have a new number and everything. It has games on it, like solitaire. So you're not completely like cold turkey with games, but you gotta find some new games to play. Learn how to play chess on the phone, learn how to play solitaire, like learn how to play tetris and, you know, find something else to do. You know it shouldn't be a punishment for me to say find something to do that's not on the game. If I say that to him, it's like why are you punishing me? You're not on punishment. I just said you can't play the game.
Speaker 1:And to him it was like devastating and yeah, and even he has a playstation. He doesn't even want to play. The playstation is something about like his thing right now with his crew. They are like a roblox crew. Yeah, so they'll facetime and they'll roblox. And I'm like, even if he played the traditional, traditional video game you know it's at least that's something on the TV I feel like it's separate from the phone. He's not glued to it and it stays home. And then when we're outside of the home, I'm sorry, sweetheart, you got to socialize Like. You got to interact with people. You gotta tap into your environment. But you know, roblox, they can play that on the phone as well. So it's really hard to like unplug.
Speaker 1:So he starts like sending theseished the iphone and you know just me being a typical mom like let me go through this phone and like scroll through and see. And he's telling his best friend like I guess initially he told the best friend about the new phone that I was getting him and once it came he's like bro, you're not gonna be able to talk to me for a while. My mom has me this new ass phone that doesn't have the internet, so I'll talk to you at school but I'll only be able to text or no more group chats or whatever. So him and his friend really referred to the new phone as the ass phone. Like, oh, man, and I'm just like you know, like, and I'm like, okay, well, at least you know I I felt terrible. So if we talk about shitty mom moments, like because it was really like him going to his closest friends, like saying goodbye, and I'm telling my husband like, okay, the phone is a little more than just a game, like this is his connection to people. But I really need him to tap into other environments. And I will say I even told him like after a week of having the ass phone, I was telling him like because now that's what I call it, like you call it the ass phone, I'm gonna call it the ass phone. So a week after him having this ass phone, I felt like we were able to connect again, like we were having dinners and he's like telling us about his day and giving us the tea and like interacting with different people at school or or even one day.
Speaker 1:My husband noticed my husband came home early from work and he passed by my son's bus stop and he was like, oh my gosh, he was like talking to people at the bus stop today. I was going to pick him up but I just went in the opposite direction to give him more time, because apparently we have a lot of kids who live in our neighborhood who are the same age as our son and we did not know this until he started his new school and all the kids are going to the same school. None of these kids are outside. Like we didn't even know this. Many kids lived in this neighborhood so it was nice to see him like interacting and talking to other kids and it's because we had to like cut that off. So initially I was like, dang, like we're making him the outcast, we're shitty parents for being like old school and traditional. But it's almost like it gave us our kid back. Like he's starting. Now he wants to go outside and ride his bike. So now, even now that he has the game back, he'll tell his friends like, oh, I'll call you guys later, I'm gonna go ride my bike. Cool, I can live with that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so it's just. You know it's it's really trial and error and just trying to figure out. I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all for anybody. Um, I do think it's trial and error and you just have to be. I think, as a parent right now, you just have to be like a dog with a bone, you have to be persistent and you have to be resilient. Okay, that did not work out.
Speaker 1:Like you said, sometimes there's a lot of embarrassment. You know, especially with social media, everybody wants to post the highlights of their kids and sometimes, when you don't have a chance to post those highlights, it's like, oh man, like what am I doing wrong? You know I must be doing something wrong. I'm a shitty mom because my kid doesn't do xyz. But then, at the same time, I feel, feel like for me I'm looking for something different, like to me, what's important is that independence for me was important.
Speaker 1:I really want him to be able to connect with people, which is a struggle. It's even a struggle for me, and I think recently that's what I started prioritizing, probably like this year, like that needs to be a priority, because me and dad are not always gonna be here and right now for our son, like me and dad are his safe space me, dad, grandma he's good, like he doesn't want for much, he doesn't want anything, he doesn't want to go anywhere. Like as long as he has that game and his family he really doesn't care about anything else. And I'm like honey, you got to tap in to some other things. Like he doesn't see the point in doing anything outside of spending time with family and friends on the game and that's it. So I'm just happy that we've kind of found something because we do surround him with, like, say, his coaches. I was really intentional with his coaches. A lot of his coaches are like black males and they're younger, because I wanted him to see like it's not just me and dad telling you this because we're your parents, but let's get some role models and examples to show you what we're telling you is is really within your reach, right? This is something that you can do, you can explore is other people telling you the same thing that we're telling you, and they're not your parents. So we have kind of tapped into a village.
Speaker 1:His piano instructor oh my goodness, shout out to Mr Theodore. He is like the most patient human being I have ever met in my life, because my son is a true Scorpio. He is like when he has his mind set, he is set. And you know, even with piano that's a struggle. He doesn't really see the value in it. But then when it's time for like a recital or something he wants to play, so he wants to play. He doesn't like to practice. That don't go together. So so it's just nice to have somebody else to rely on to kind of tell him the same thing that we're saying as his parents, but maybe because it's coming from somebody different, maybe it'll sink in. So I want to know, like you often refer to your bubble with your, your kids and your family, but do you have a village for them as well? What does that look like?
Speaker 3:so I have a village for my, my kids village right now is my, my, my me, my husband, their grandparents family, of course but also their coaches at juj. I can't even begin to say, like my sons even coach sometimes. Oh nice, they really take them under their wings. Yeah, and it's such a melting pot of different cultures because they have all different skin tones there. Okay, different cultures Good.
Speaker 3:Their three coaches are Hispanic, white and black, so they get an understanding or from older guys, not just from what they know, but from all different walks of life.
Speaker 1:I love that.
Speaker 3:You know, yeah, yeah, so I love that. And then church. Okay.
Speaker 3:I can't being at church, they learn they have. We have our people that we pray for and who prays for us and it helps, like with me. I know that my circle got so small because with my illness, I I was, I was embarrassed, and it's because it was me, because it's embarrassing to be just active and then the next minute you're unconscious, you've made someone panic, they're freaking out because they don't know how to help you, and so it was embarrassing for me. I don't mind how you talk about me, but when it comes to my babies, that's a different issue. But anyway right.
Speaker 3:So, but it became embarrassing for me because I was going through it and I was like, no, keena, isolating yourself really isn't going to help. But at the same time, my friends that were there really stepped up and they were like, no, keena, you have a tendency not to speak, not to ask for help, and so like they really reached out and made sure, like they stepped in and helped me out where I needed them to. So it really it really is a blessing to have people in your corner and supporting you and you support them. Like you got to make sure you check the people who you have around you too, because if you're pouring into someone, you fill in their vessel and leaving yourself empty, so that person also has to pour back into you.
Speaker 1:Right, absolutely.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I'm glad that.
Speaker 1:I have those kinds of people around me and surrounding me to keep me grounded and keep them grounded. I love that. I definitely. And that kind of goes into the next question that I was going to ask you, like what are some things, behaviors or habits that you wanted to change? But I want to ask like so, with them, bringing that to your attention, do you ask for help now? Are you more likely, are you more inclined to ask for help when you need it, or are you just surrounded by people who know when to step in without you asking?
Speaker 3:I am now surrounded by people that know when to step in without you asking. I am now surrounded by people that know when to step in okay because I still have that issue. I've had that all my life. Like I'm the person that people go to to tell secrets because they know it's never coming back out. It's a fault. Kina literally is not gonna say anything until like it's dire straits okay, okay, okay. My last leg, especially my mom. Oh, my goodness, like I didn't appreciate my mom enough until I got sick. Okay.
Speaker 3:Like my mommy is my next to my husband. That's my best friend. Okay. So I'm still learning to do better and trying to get better at asking for help, but I still struggle with that okay, because you want to be strong on your own, so yeah, and sometimes you don't.
Speaker 1:You know, if you know someone's background, if they're struggling with something. Sometimes you don't want to add to that struggle either by asking for help if you need it. But I'm glad that you're surrounded by people who kind of are in tuned with what's going on and they'll just step in. And it's also a good thing that you allow them to help, because that's usually another challenge, not just asking for help, but really allowing people to help you when you need it. So at least you're halfway there, because when people do step in to help you, at least you accept the help, because usually that's challenging for people as well. So I wanna know, with everything that we've gone over today, what are some rewards in motherhood that you've experienced?
Speaker 3:I think my rewards come when, when I hear, okay, yeah, kina, your kids are amazing. Or your kids are doing like, that's my biggest reward. Like because you know, as a mom, we constantly struggle with the thought that we're never doing good enough. So with watching them coach other kids at jujitsu, or having parents walk up and be like, oh, you're such and such as mom, he is such a great kid and my daughter loves him, or my son loves him and he's so helpful and he's eat it, like that really helps. That's my rewards. That's where I get it. And then my kids bought me a birthday present for the first time ever, without me knowing, like for the first this this week. And I was because, with being a mom, you sometimes have those low expectations. Where you're, you don't expect anything in return, right, and then to see them come. Mind you, it was a can opener from my daughter.
Speaker 3:But I was like, oh my gosh, I did need a new can opener thoughtful okay, my husband had his friend take them to target and they all picked out their own gifts that they wanted to get me for my birthday. Oh, like that was huge for me, like I'm like oh my gosh, thank you and that means they're paying attention.
Speaker 1:I love that and it's truly like it's the thought that counts. That means she must have been really paying attention and maybe you must have said like, oh my gosh, I got to get a can opener, like it could have been one of those moments, and she like got it, I got you, so that's good she got me a can opener and she's tuned in.
Speaker 1:That's good. That's she's paying attention, that's good. So I want to know what philosophy describes like your current status as a mom when it comes to like the work-life balance, or just like the struggle and juggle which one do which? Which uh phase do you think you're in right now? Are you kind of balanced? Are you struggling and juggling like what is it for you?
Speaker 3:for me.
Speaker 3:Honestly, I'm like smack dab in the middle okay because I do my best to have that work-life balance because, like I said, I homeschool but I'm also a wife and honestly I sometimes think my husband is thinking that I'm sitting home waiting for him to call me and ask me to do something. Okay, so like that. So I try to like set a schedule for me every day and maintaining the house, the clothes, because we're home all day, so it literally gets chaotic sometimes. So trying to find that balance in taking care of everything, everyone, myself, plus get orders out on Etsy and do all of this orders for people that that spoke to me in person or whatnot it's.
Speaker 3:It's there where I'm getting that done, but if I have a bad day because, like with my health, I have those days- okay if I have a bad day, my schedule is completely thrown off so what I don't get done the day before only adds to what I need to do tomorrow.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, I see.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like I'm smack dab in the middle of that balance of work and that struggle and juggle. But I'm going to say it like my mom said to me she's like Kina dirt don't never kill nobody unless it fall on top of them. Okay, if I don't get all my chores done, my house is never, ever messy. Well, no, there are times when it is, but it's never uninhabitable. Okay, you know yeah.
Speaker 3:But if it gets to a point where I just can't get what I have on my chore list done for this day, I'm I. At first I used to be like, oh my gosh, I failed today. But now I'm like you know what. I can only do so much. I'll get it done tomorrow okay, it has to get, so we find, I find that that helps okay because what you can't do, you can't do yeah and it's one of you take care of you because your health is so important absolutely, if you do that if you die, life is just going to carry on absolutely and then they have to figure it out on their own, and I'm not letting nothing take me out right now good and you shouldn't?
Speaker 1:I don't want you to, and I'm sure your family. They don't want that either. So it's good that you're embracing that philosophy. Um, I want to know what advice as a mom, what advice do you wish you'd had sooner?
Speaker 3:my, I wish I had the advice with putting them on a schedule sooner okay like, especially with alia, like because of her gaps in her. Well, my daughter has adhd and dyslexia, so that doesn't okay, I didn't know that.
Speaker 1:Okay, like she has really bad dyslexia.
Speaker 3:So that doesn't help. I didn't know that. Okay, like she has really bad dyslexia. My dad also has dyslexia. I also have a little bit of dyslexia. Okay so it's not shocking, but hers is like like we go to the eye doctor. She will list every letter on that, but it is never going to be in the right order. Okay so with the fact that she has dyslexia. She struggles with reading and she struggles with spelling.
Speaker 1:Okay, like.
Speaker 3:I'll be like like she's definitely getting better. But at first I'd be like spell cat and she'll be like XPT. Oh, okay.
Speaker 3:But like getting her on a schedule and sticking to it, being consistent with the schedule, like, has really helped because, like now, especially with her addition, honestly, addition and subtraction, I've come to realize, is literally only memorization okay and the more you do it, the more consistent and consistent you are with it, because one plus one will always be two, two plus two will always be four. So we literally started memorizing addition, subtraction, multiplication, division, and so now she can see those numbers combined and get it like that oh, good, and I wish I had that sooner.
Speaker 3:Okay. Because she's 10 now and I feel like she could have been further along than she is.
Speaker 1:But she's got it. So back to what we were talking about with the deficits as long as you keep the end in mind, you know, however she gets there, she gets there. But ultimately the idea is to have like a well-rounded child and really trying to fill in the deficits as much as possible. So at least you're getting there and you're making progress and I love that for both of you because it's also showing her. You know, it may take her a while to get there and that's OK, she's going to get there. So I don't think she would have the same self-esteem issues that other kids would have who constantly feel like they're being left behind. Um, she's kind of it's kind of being ingrained in her right now to understand that she can go at her own pace and that's okay. So, and that's great that you are guiding her through that so that becomes her norm. That's awesome. Um, what's the best advice? I know you said your mom said dirt, dirt doesn't kill anybody. Um, what's what's the best advice that you've been given as a mom?
Speaker 3:um, honestly, there was this wonderful lady in the Bahamas and she was like teach them how to survive when you're gone, okay. So, like this was one of the reasons I pulled Aaliyah out of school, like she would get in trouble for being too independent and I didn't realize that it was a problem. Like so for lunch, I teach all my kids when you're done eating, clear your plate, wash it, put it in the dishwasher. Rinse it, put it in the dishwasher, or wash it, dry it and put it away. So she would get in trouble for getting up and throwing her food away. So I told her getting up and throwing her food away. So I told her okay, don't do that anymore, just wait. Well, no, I told her, it's okay, just sit. So, being her, because she's so strong, will, rather than getting out of her seat anymore, she tried throwing it across the cafeteria into the trash can and so that caused an issue, like I didn't get up so, yeah, that caused an issue for her.
Speaker 3:But, um, yeah, like now, my kid I I see like there's my kids, they all know how to wash their own clothes okay, in the washing machine and by hand they all know how to simple meals so like, even if it's just grits and tuna or white rice and curry. They know how to make simple meals, that's simple.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, white rice and curry is simple. Oh my gosh shoot okay, damn okay. Shitty mom moment over here, cause I'm like curry is a staple in our house.
Speaker 3:We have that at least once or twice a week so a staple lasts like one of our simple meals, cause we literally eat that all the time. But yeah, like, they all know how to make sure that they clean, brush their teeth, wash their face, keep themselves hygienic and healthy. They take vitamins, so like making sure that they can survive once we're gone or if we're not around was the best advice I ever got, and I started teaching them from young.
Speaker 1:Okay, good, and that's something that, look, we're working on it as well. The especially the hygiene. Being a boy mom, the hygiene is like crucial um. But I feel like it's the same, for I'm starting to see like a lot of parents of of girls to have that struggle and that issue with the hygiene as well. But I I agree that is really good advice to just get them as self sufficient and independent as possible, because we're not going to be here forever and I think that's the ultimate goal. And I just love how you've really encouraged Well, I can't say for the listeners, but I know me listening to you your philosophy, the homeschooling, all of that is really getting my wheels spinning and making me feel a little more.
Speaker 1:I don't know self-assured that you know I can take control and really slow things down and give my son what he really needs, because you know, public school isn't for everybody, private school isn't for everybody, charter schools aren't for everybody, home school isn't for everybody. But you know, I love the idea of being able to really tailor his education to his specific needs and if we have to take a few steps back, I mean you just really told, giving me so much information to where I feel encouraged and not so overwhelmed to to really look into the benefits for him. If he excels in one area, it sounds like there are resources to meet his needs for that, and if he's falling behind in another area, it sounds like there are options out there to make sure he's able to catch up before he's being pushed into this world of young adulthood, because then we all know, young adulthood poses a whole nother set of challenges. So it's like you want to, while they're still in grade school, you want to get your ducks in a row, so to speak, and and prepare them as much as possible so they can start to face and take on the new challenges ahead. So I just want to say thank you so much for spending some time with us.
Speaker 1:As a mom of three, I know you're super duper busy, but I want to say thank you for just giving us some insight on the ins and outs, because a lot of people don't know, and a lot of people don't know where to start when it comes to homeschool, and I was one of those people as well. I really didn't know where to start, but you've dropped a lot of gems today and I just want to give the listeners an opportunity if they want to reach out to you. Um, I know you do a lot of crafting, a lot of sewing and things like that, so if our listeners were interested, how can they get in touch with you? What's the best way?
Speaker 3:probably instagram. Okay, my business page. I have it. It's one of Akina. Ok. O-n-e-o-f-a-k-i-n-a. Just shoot me a message and I'll be sure to answer you. I haven't posted on there in a while because, like I said, I forget.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're super busy.
Speaker 3:Yes, but yeah, if you reach out to me on there, I have no problem answering any questions.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right, and thank you so much for joining us. I look forward to releasing this episode and sharing it with you. Hey, everyone, it's your favorite BCBAD here, dr DeLoren. Dr DeLoren and I'm here to ask you to help us continue making great content for listeners everywhere by visiting wwwforshittymomscom, where you can make a monthly contribution. Also, visit us on Instagram, youtube, facebook and TikTok at Foreshitty Moms and that's shitty with an X, not an I.