.png)
For Shxtty Moms
“For Shxtty Moms” is a behavior change podcast for mom’s who are holding on by a thread. Listen as we talk to real moms about the challenges of motherhood; while exploring different strategies to help moms alike get their shxt together!
For Shxtty Moms
EP 17: Mom Guilt & God's Grace: A Survival Guide
What happens when you combine mental health advocacy, teenage parenting challenges, and a journey of faith into one powerful conversation? Markeisa Tassy, a single mother from Delray Beach, Florida, opens up about transforming her personal trauma into purpose while raising her teenage son Sincere.
"Working out for me is not what people see," Markeisa reveals as she discusses how physical activities like fitness and skating became her lifeline during panic attacks and divorce. "People think we work out and it's all about the body, but it's really all about the mind." Her candid approach to mental health challenges traditional perceptions of self-care and motherhood.
We dive deep into the complexities of raising a teenage son in today's world, from navigating their digital footprint to creating safe spaces for uncomfortable conversations. As an intake and family coach supervisor with Safe Families, Markeisa brings professional expertise to personal parenting challenges, offering invaluable insights for parents struggling with similar situations. Her approach blends professional knowledge with spiritual guidance, revealing how faith has become her foundation for decision-making.
The conversation takes an unexpected turn when we explore school advocacy, with both hosts sharing raw stories about standing up for their children in educational settings. These honest exchanges showcase the reality many parents face when institutions fail to understand or accommodate their children's needs.
Whether you're a single parent, struggling with balancing work and family responsibilities, or seeking guidance on raising emotionally intelligent children, this episode delivers profound wisdom wrapped in authentic conversation. Markeisa leaves us with a powerful reminder: "We're not supposed to do motherhood alone." Her message of seeking help without shame offers hope for parents navigating their own challenges.
Join us for this transformative discussion that will change how you view parenting, purpose, and the power of community support in your motherhood journey.
This episode of FSM is brought to you by Fidelity Behavioral Alliance, your number one source for behavior change. Fidelity Behavioral Alliance creates behavior change programs for schools, parents and organizations looking to reduce problem behaviors and improve performance outcomes. Find out more at wwwfidelitybehavioralliancecom. If you would like to sponsor an episode of FSM, email us at shitmom at gmailcom. That's S-H-X-T-M-O-M at gmailcom. M-o-m at gmailcom. It's time to put the kids to bed, so y'all get ready for another episode of For Shitty Moms. All right, everyone, welcome back to another episode of FSM. I'm your host, dr Lori, and today we have a special guest. So, without further ado, I'm going to pass over the mic and let our guest introduce herself to all of you guys, and we're going to jump into the episode.
Speaker 2:All right. So hey everyone, my name is Marquisa Tassie. I'm originally from Delray Beach, florida. I'm a proud mom to a teenage son named Sincere, and I'm excited to be here and thank you so much for joining us today.
Speaker 1:Typically, I like to give our guests an opportunity to really highlight what they're doing in their life, give a little background to how they came about to be in the positions that they're in right now. You are from my hometown as well, so that gives a little insight into our history, our insight, and I do follow you on social media, so I've had the opportunity for years now to really just follow your journey, your story. I think it's incredible with everything that you do. Sometimes I categorize moms as like super moms, because they really do a lot in addition to just parenting and working, and you do that and so much more. So I'm familiar with your story, but our guests and our fans may not be. So I just want you to give a little insight into some of the things that you do, because I know just from me following you, you're definitely into your fitness journey.
Speaker 1:You are a published author, you do a lot of advocacy.
Speaker 1:It seems like you do a lot of self-care and just exploring, and I see a lot of things.
Speaker 1:Sometimes that looks like you just know how to have fun and explore your interests as well, and I know there are a lot of moms who probably want to explore different things or maybe are sitting home thinking about trying something new, trying something different, and it just stays an idea right.
Speaker 1:But now I have the opportunity to really bring someone to the forefront who's kind of shown us like and by us I mean your followers on social media we get a chance to see you kind of pursue everything that you put your mind to. So some days I'll see you make a post like hey, I'm thinking about doing this or has anyone tried this, and then maybe, like a week later, I'm like, oh my gosh, I remember this was years ago. It looks like you were at a skate park and I'm like, oh my gosh, like that is so cool. So just give us a little background information about you how you came to be, what motivates you to just explore all these interests and really, how do you do that and still work and still raise a kid? Like, how are you wearing all of these hats?
Speaker 2:you wearing all of these hats. So, um, thank you. It sounds like a great CV or resume. It sounds like an amazing CV, but as a mom, you said the word fun and I love that you said fun because if I, if I leave here today, I want people to know I'm very big on advocating for our mental health.
Speaker 2:My pain has really drove and been like the sole driver of God leading my purpose, and so when I got into fitness, it was literally me just documenting my journey of working out online. But I was breaking through a divorce and when I was skating believe it or not I had started my master's program during COVID and I started having panic attacks. And so, because I'm a person that is physically active, I said I need to find something that will take this pain away, or like contradict, like if in my mind, if I fall skating, that probably will feel better than the thoughts running through my mind that I probably wasn't good enough to be in this master's program because it was via Zoom. Oh, wow, right, and I like it to be in person. So everything I've done is literally just me advocating for mental health, physical health and my relationship with God, like letting people know that I can't do any of these things, but there is many hats being worn.
Speaker 2:As you said, I'm an author, I'm a speaker. Working out for me is so not what people see. Like people think we work out and it's all about the body, but it's really all about the mind for me. Like we have to take care of our bodies, because if we don't take care of ourselves, how are we going to show up and be the best person that we can be for our children? Right, and so, because I advocate a lot about physical health, people will hit me up and like, oh, come to my group thing, come to this, come to that, and I start to panic. Like people don't know this, but I'd be like I cannot be everywhere with everybody, right, like I know it looks like I'm very active and I could do this and all the things.
Speaker 2:But that is my moment to pour back into Marquisa. So if I do go to a group fitness class or I do something, that's because I have the capacity to be around people, right, and so my pain I'm a sexual abuse, survivor, childhood that's what my book is talking about overcoming trauma. I'm a single mother because I talk about my divorce, but, oddly enough right, we weren't married before the child, we got married afterwards. It didn't work out. So then I'm back to being a single mom, but just trying to show up in the best capacity that I could have for my son. So all the things I do are really just so I can show my son that you can do and be all the things and you don't have to be everywhere with everybody, because whatever God wants to happen for you will open up with you, truly showing up as a disciple for him.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow, that's amazing. Up with you truly showing up as a disciple for him. Oh, wow, that's amazing. Now, how old is your son, sincere is 16. Okay, oh, so you're in the thick of it. You're in the thick of it Now. Does he understand what it is that you're doing and where it comes from, does he? How do you communicate that to him, because I feel like it's tough with that age group you know we hear the term gentle parent.
Speaker 2:um, you have parents that choose if they want to be the kid or not and all this other stuff. But I I feel like I would be the mixture of Nuck if you buck, right Okay, and a gentle parent. And the funny thing is, the Nuck if you buck, I have a Nuck, I'll yell, but no buck, right.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:I don't hit kids, but sincere. I've literally been vocal with him about all the things he knows. Like I feel like in my book I put all my secrets out so I had to warn him like hey, look, everything's in this book. I don't know how people are going to take to it, but I feel like this is what God is calling me to do. So we've had all the uncomfortable conversations about mommy and her unhealthy coping mechanisms and what took her there so that he can navigate his teenage years, and I talked to him about what purity is and why it's important. And even like when we think about teenagers and what they do, like making sure you're not sending nudes, because that is child pornography. Make sure that you don't put yourself in a situation to be running a train, because that is gang rape.
Speaker 2:You know like.
Speaker 2:I'm giving him the terms for the real things and having uncomfortable conversations so that he understands like it might be cool right now when y'all kids and y'all think it is, and then 10 years later, here we have somebody on social media saying this happened to them and everybody knows who they're talking about. Yeah, you don't be that person and so, um, we have uncomfortable conversations and the thing about it I didn't have terrible twos with here, but baby teenagers and I mean the work that I do as a you know, family coach, supervisor and working in the mental health field and human service, social work aspect I don't think anybody can really prepare you, even with all the research, on how to navigate changes with your kids, with what society has going on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 2:I say, if I make it out of this, I'm going to write a book about it.
Speaker 1:But I got to make it out of it. That's good, that's a good way to think about it, that's true. And I like talking to someone who's in the field because I know I do behavior therapy as well, which is different from mental health. So typically with behavior therapy there is a strong focus on environment, your environment, right, so how your environment dictates your behavior and what you do. And we are just starting to really as a field when I say we, we're starting to dig into what we call private events, so like feelings, things that you can't see, that kind of control behavior as well.
Speaker 1:So I do a lot of parent coaching and things like that and it's so refreshing to hear another professional in the field that's like look, it's a touch and go situation, like even as a parent, because I think a lot of times people look at what we do by trade and they tend to think like, oh, you're the expert, you know you don't go through this, you won't have these problems with your kid or your family, and it's the exact opposite. But I think it's the perspective that you have to know that every child is different, every situation is different, every feeling is different. You know the situation may happen and you may talk to your kid about it and they may feel a way about it the first day and then you may revisit that conversation on another day and they may feel a different way about it. They may have a different response, a different reaction, and it's touch and go. It's small changes, little by little over time, that make a difference.
Speaker 1:So it's refreshing to hear someone else. That's like it's a struggle because this is what we do, this is our field, this is what we do professionally. But on the other end of the coin, it's still a touch and go situation for us and we don't have the answer for everything, and sometimes that's okay. You just you're open to figuring it out together. So I love to hear that for all of you. So just to clarify for the listeners what is your professional title or your occupation, so we have a better understanding.
Speaker 2:For those who don't understand, we have a better understanding for those who don't understand. So I'm an intake and family coach supervisor with Safe Families and with my role I help my volunteers feel seen secure and supported in their roles with helping families and our main goal is to keep kids reunified and out the foster care system.
Speaker 1:Oh nice, and how long have you been in that field?
Speaker 2:and out the foster care system. Oh nice, and how long have you been in that field?
Speaker 1:So I came into that field last year in November. Okay and oh, that's heavy. So how do you cope with that? Is this like a 40 hour? Your tradition, traditional like nine to five? What?
Speaker 2:does that look like? Before we go into that that, I want to go back into you. You real quick. Um, you talked about you know you're a BCBA, so when I said congratulations to you when you graduated, I was super proud. Oh, thank you because I was a RBT before.
Speaker 2:Oh, I didn't know that people look at my life and they think Marquise does not have. She's just so transparent. Everything she does is on social media, so they think they know all of me, but very personal. So I work with autistic children and when I took the child development psychology class and this is what I want to put in people's minds because I'm very descriptive, I really I'm a storyteller. So let's put two kids and they're going to be the same exact kid by the time we're done. We have a child. You take them to the mall and they throw a tantrum because they can't get a toy. They fall out. Mom is so embarrassed because everybody's looking at her. That was my mother, truth be told, that was my little brother, and she just feels like the because everybody's looking at her. That was my mother, truth be told, that was my little brother, and she just feels like the whole world's looking at her. She feels like she's the worst parent in the world and all the while it's just a child throwing a tantrum.
Speaker 2:He doesn't have words to say that I want that toy he doesn't know how to accept no, for the moment. Then let's take a person that has now this child that has the label autistic right, this child is autistic. Throws a tantrum. Parent gets looked at like why can't they control that child, but all the while the tantrum is probably because it's too much noise. Another child that doesn't have words for this is not an atmosphere I want to be in right now. So when we think about parenting parenting to each household it's literally you making the decision on how to make the choices to do what's going to effectively work for your household. It will not, most likely, mimic everybody else's.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. That's what I love with what you do, because we work with people that have superpowers. Like these, humans are going to grow up to be the next ones leading love so, anyways, but yeah, so I wanted to make that picture image for people to understand like parenting really is not trying to mimic anybody else, doing the best that you can, yeah, so okay, what was the question? Okay.
Speaker 1:So the next one. Let's see Okay, so we have your occupation, we know what, okay, give us the run of the meal, because you said, like keeping families together. So is that a nine to five situation? And how do you deal with the mental load that comes with that job? And then how do you not carry that home? Because that sounds like a lot, that sounds stressful.
Speaker 2:Okay, so what I did, okay so what I did. So I feel like God let everything build up to really prepare me for such a time. So I did my internship working with autistic children. But prior to that, leading up to that, what I would do to start my day was literally get on the phone with nobody. I started my day with prayer and then my son would read we read scripture in the car, listen to worship music, because I made sure that I didn't talk to anybody so nobody could set the tone for my day, because I didn't know what I was going to go into.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And so then I was like, okay, now, depending on what I dealt with, and now I come home, I got to be able to show up for my child, absolutely. So, learning how to turn that off, having a window of maybe I'll let people in, get on the phone or not, and then coming back to reality of OK, what do I have to do for my child With the load of stuff I do now, because prior to this I was a victim advocate and that was much more heavier.
Speaker 2:So God has taken the heaviness off prioritization is how I really balance it all because, um, we deal with heavy stuff, like I'm dealing with people that have been through some things and then literally trying to help bring the wraparound services that they need to make sure that they can get to their next level in life right, okay, okay.
Speaker 1:And then, oh, wow, I didn't know, I didn't. I knew you did something with mental health, but I wasn't quite sure. So thank you for clarifying and giving us a better picture of that. Now, with your particular job, would you consider that to be something that's like a mom friendly environment like, or do you have to have a village supporting? You say, if something is going on with your son, can you just leave work and and take off to tend to his needs? What does that look like?
Speaker 2:it's definitely mom friendly. Okay, like I, I wouldn. I've been blessed to be able to be in a role that is very mom friendly. I work from home.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's beautiful.
Speaker 2:Okay. A lot of times my day starts when I wanted to and, for the most part, unless I have a conference or training or something that I feel like really goes with what I'm trying to do, it really has the mom, work life, entrepreneurship balance that I need to be able to get on to. Lot of them are just trying to figure out.
Speaker 1:What can they do as a mom to secure some financial stability but also still be present? A lot of times we have single moms who are listeners, or we have moms who are looking to elevate themselves in some way. Maybe they want to go back to school, maybe they need to make a to school, maybe they need to make a career change to increase their income. But when you start looking at jobs even in 2025, you know, you women still have to sometimes make that choice between family and income, between family and income, and a lot of times a lot of industries don't really support working moms. So I know, for instance, I have a few friends who work for the government. They work in public health and it's not a lot of flexibility when, even if they have paid time off and things like that, the work culture and the environment usually kind of shake their head at it. If you're using that PTO a little too much, you know you can't always say, hey, something came up with my kid, I have to go. Sometimes that's frowned upon. Sometimes you may find yourself pigeonholed, and when I say pigeonhole, I mean you're kind of overlooked for opportunities to move up in the workplace because you do have to prioritize your family. So I always like to highlight career options. If there are any moms out there who are listening who are considering making like a change in a certain field, I think it's important to talk about how that works with motherhood and if balance is something that's possible. Sometimes I even have moms who say, well, balance really doesn't exist. You're kind of just juggling. You handle one thing, you focus on what you can focus on, and then you know when that's done, you drop that and you move on to something else. And sometimes I call that the mom like struggle and juggle. Sometimes you can only focus on one thing at a time, but it sounds like for you the way that you're able to handle all of these things. It sounds like scheduling and time management is like up there for you, even when it comes to prayer. It sounds like you're very intentional with your time, where you're allocating that time, and for a lot of moms I can speak for myself time management is like one of those things where I'm like, oh, I need to work on that. But it's nice to hear how you are actually doing it, especially with the phone calls in the morning. I know a lot of times that's when we have that free time. But it's nice to hear that with your free time you've decided okay, this is where I'm going to allocate my free time, as opposed to pouring into others. You're kind of pouring in to yourself first, spiritually, to get through whatever obstacles that may happen throughout the day, and just listening to it I'm like, okay, I can see how that can set the tone for your day and then make it so that when you get off work you are not emotionally dumping on those around you, because it sounds like you've kind of already started your day ahead of the curve to begin with. So that's awesome, I love that.
Speaker 1:So, besides working, parenting, I wanna hear about. You kind of told us about your health journey. So where are you now with your journey? And then I want to know if you have any other, like businesses that you're running on the side. So let's start with your health journey. Where are you now with that?
Speaker 2:So I tell people, when it comes to my health cause people outside looking in I'm like, oh my gosh, you look amazing. What can I do? Give me the pill. I am going to get the pill. Tell me the recipe, I am going to cook it up. And I'm like, yeah, if I told you what I went through, you would not like it. It's, it's really the true definition. If I, if you could fit my shoe and wear it, you would. Ok, it's just the true definition. If God gave us the full picture, we probably would stop, literally like hold on you. You want me to go through a fire, you want me to die to myself? God, I'm not, you know, know, come on, let's. Let's make some different arrangements, because I can get there, but not that way okay so I stopped eating meat.
Speaker 2:I've been meatless three years now okay, years and in the like, right when I stopped eating meat not to like, I stopped eating meat around January, february, by September, like leading like from July to September I just felt like I was in this, really this space of the unknown. Like when you graduate, people got to understand we grieve our old self and we grieve the new person we're going to be. Like it's this stage that we go through and we have this like, just this unknown of now. We have to show up and so now here I am. I'm physically doing the things, I'm looking good, but I'm not really feeling good on the inside and I'm like, god, I want to feel how I look on the outside. Everybody's like oh, you look amazing and this and that now I'm meatless.
Speaker 2:I'm vitamin d deficient, I'm going bald, come on'm. Vitamin D deficient, I'm going bald. Come on, let's talk about it. If I told you, in order to lose 50 pounds, look how I look you would probably go bald. Now, what'd you want to do it? Oh, wow, now I'm going to the doctors getting extra blood work so I can make sure that I'm getting the vitamins that I'm not getting from meat to my hair. Back the vitamins that I'm not getting from meat to my hair back.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, so we, we know seeing the men go bald, we know what that look like when women go.
Speaker 2:Oh okay, my husband. Yet is he gonna come. If he knew I was going bald, if the hair came back, y'all. So whenever I get ready. But he probably would have to deal with a woman that's gonna wear something to cover that up right, oh, I didn't know that.
Speaker 1:And you know what a lot of people when they, when you see people online and I know online is just me and my husband call it like the highlights. Right, those are the highlights. Um, you don't hear about that. So what did you do to like recover? Was it the blood work? How did you change your diet? What did you have to do to get to the other side of the hair loss?
Speaker 2:believe it or not, to get the hair back, I was not willing to go back to me okay, oh wow, if that's the only way I could have got it back. I would have just lost my hair. Oh, okay, because when I took meat out of my diet I felt better, mentally okay, and I didn't actually go meatless, thinking I would be meatless. So, um I, I take now a vitamin, weekly vitamin D, and then daily prenatal pills. Ok so that it came back, you know, but I was vitamin D deficient.
Speaker 1:Oh, and thank you for sharing that, because I I didn't know that and I'm sure a lot of listeners who are considering that I mean that is something to take into consideration, considering that I mean that is something to take into consideration. But it seems like the classic case of you say you want to do this, but what are you willing to do to get there?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can definitely see that and I want to speak to the mother that so, as I was transitioning as God, was like I feel like, a lot of times we're already doing the thing.
Speaker 2:God wants to perfect it, and so in perfecting it, I look at things now. I think I'm an amazing mom. I think I try my hardest. I asked my son is there ways I could be better? I always ask him how I can show up for him. Okay, but when I think about my parenting style and what I'm doing, I don't look at myself as if what I'm doing is for right now. What I'm doing right now is for my grandchildren.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:So when you think about it that way, I think it takes the pressure off of I'm not meeting all that I can be in this certain timeframe, because it's more long-term than short-term. And so when I think about the Proverbs 31 woman, we got to be good stewards of our time. We got to be good stewards of our resources. We got to be good stewards of what God puts in our hands.
Speaker 2:So when I was transitioning, I wasn't making a lot of money, like when I was getting my bachelor's. When I was getting my master's I was't making a lot of money Like when I was getting my bachelor's. When I was getting my master's I was not making a lot of money, I was settling. And then that's why you got to be careful who's in your ear, because people were like, oh, go to this job, go to that, go to that. But the job I had gave me opportunity to be able to go to school. It didn't pay for me to go back to school. It opened the door that I could create my schedule however I wanted it to be.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And that's important. So sometimes in some seasons, we're going to take some losses in some areas, but it's only for such a time and that's why for me, like you said, it looks like I have this healthy balance of how to construct my day. But if we're really in our word, like when you read scripture and I think this is important, because if we surrender to God, we can surrender to our husbands but if we don't surrender to God, we have an issue of how do we really show up and surrender to our husband. But if you read scripture, it literally tells us all that we need to do Like. Sometimes a person might be locked up mentally, they could be locked up physically, having physical ailments for such a time, and they can't meet the best of their capabilities. But it's only for such a time. And there's something else that you can be strengthening to get to your next, because it'll all come full circle when it's supposed to right.
Speaker 1:So where are you now with your seat? What season are you in right now?
Speaker 2:being obedient to blossom in the spring. I have a second book coming out and it's going to be about um surrender. It's about, uh, learning how to fast and pray okay and it's a journal learning how to fast and pray.
Speaker 2:and then my third book, which will come out at the end of the year, will be soul surgery, where I just talk about the process of really like. I guess I my last book spoke to my healing journey from childhood sexual abuse. This next book talks about really like that surrender journey, and so I have a podcast that I host Beautiful Disaster GPS but I talk about my faith walk and my journey and really becoming the woman that I need to be for all things for my future husband, for my son, for my grandchildren, for my friends, for my family and a lot of times, because, do we have a circle? Is our village really here? Like? I'm in Tallahassee, I have two friends in Tallahassee.
Speaker 1:Okay, that was actually going to be my next question. What does your village look like?
Speaker 2:You said my village is one really just like asking God how do you want me to train up this child?
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:I'm in Tallahassee where I don't have really like this big circle. I don't have a circle. What is it? A triangle, like it's a line, my family's back home home so I can call and get moral support, like I can get some verbal support, but where sincere had surgery two years ago and that was a real hard time for me and when that happened I wish I had my job, that I had now. Save Families.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Because Save Families makes sure that they come around. They give you like a circle of support. You might have a family friend, a volunteer, somebody to bring you a meal, somebody to just be there with you at the hospital while your child was getting surgery. I didn't have nobody here when I was going through that. Okay, I was really leaning on God to help me go through that. And I know I went through a state of depression because at that time I was the RBT, so if I didn't go to work I didn't get paid.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:If I didn't go to work, I didn't get paid. So talk about when you're seeing a $0 paycheck, a $40 paycheck and you got bills. Yeah, and I didn't know about the resources that I know now that I tell my clients about.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:So so the mom that feels like she's faced, like her back is against the wall and nothing will change. It changes.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:It does Like we get through it. But, baby, there are some times where you're going to go through the roughest time and I my advocacy is like I, when I'm going through it, I show up the most on social media and I tell people I'm going through it.
Speaker 1:Okay. And that's different, because a lot of people just you know, you see sunshine and rainbows with most people. So yeah, that's one thing that I can say, so yeah, that's, that's one thing that I can say.
Speaker 2:Whatever challenges you are going through, I can say you know, if I, if I tap in, I'm like, oh okay, this is going on. Oh, I didn't know to ever sell a false reality. And the more real and transparent I get and the more I let God transform me, it's less likes, it's less views, but it's real. Made the people that's supposed to get that get that like. You know how many women told me they went back to school because of me oh, that's amazing that wasn't because of me.
Speaker 2:That was because God allowed me to have a voice that I'm okay with sharing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that obedience I mean that's probably why it's important to be obedient in the first place, because somebody needed to hear your message, to get that motivation to change their lives. That's amazing.
Speaker 2:Exactly Like me showing people how God is transforming me in seasons. I'm like I don't even feel you've seen the one post that I put. I'm like why are they making the clothes literally for workout, as if I I'm so sick? Like, why does a woman's print have to show in her pants? That's like, what are we doing? Like I am a mom, like I go through. I'm like I'm not comfortable. This is weird. I gotta make sure my angle isn't crazy because you you've seen it like some people literally just are wanting us to see a certain body part. Oh yeah yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I had to have that conversation with my husband and a couple of dads. We were talking and one of the dads has like a teen daughter and she gave him I don't know if it was like a Christmas list or a birthday list, and Lululemon leggings were on there and I'm like so I'm like just a heads up, like you might want to take a look at those because they are known to. You know, you put these leggings on, you go out in in natural lighting, fluorescent lighting, and you see everything. So I was just like just a heads up. As a dad, you may not want to set your daughter up like that. So just keep an eye out, be careful, because that seems to be the new style and it's really hard to overcome that as a parent.
Speaker 1:When it seems like everyone else is doing it, your kid is surrounded by it, and if they don't do it now, they are the outcast. You know they're the oddball, right, they're not keeping up with the latest. But really, from a parent perspective, you're trying to protect them, right? Because sometimes we know as adults that social media something as simple as a picture, a video, an outfit, you know it can be a lot more to it than just that. It comes with a lot more I don't want to say responsibility, but a lot more baggage.
Speaker 1:Right, previous experiences we really try to shield our kids from experiencing what we experience, just because we know what it can lead to and what can happen. But they don't, the kids, they don't understand that. In the moment it's kind of like, well, everybody else gets to do it, well, so and so gets to do it, and this one gets to do it and it's like, yeah, and they haven't experienced a consequence yet. But you know, that's gonna come with a lot more baggage than what you guys may be ready to handle. I see you smiling. What do you have like a you having a flashback.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna give you a flash. A flash that came, and then I do want to hit on you and your husband. But um, so I'm a mom to a teenage son. Let's talk about it, right. He might not want to wear lulu lemon leggings, but he wants to flash money on social media sir, sir, like please, please, please, let me.
Speaker 2:I'm like yo, oh, man. And then you go through like um, you go through the oh, maybe it's not that bad, like for his birthday. He's like why are you acting like that? You took the last picture. I'm having mental battles with this. Like I'm okay with it for 2.5 seconds, I'm not okay with it for five seconds. Like come on, like let's not be that person because their age group, they'll post a picture they get, they likes and they archive everything so that age group don't have nothing on their page. But it's for the one hour or two hours that this thing is on. There's, there's, you know right look like.
Speaker 2:I don't want you to put yourself in a predicament where you could be a setup yeah, absolutely that has nothing to do with you. And then for me, like you're more at the age where you need to be getting ready for your next level and does that look scholarly? You're right? Oh, wow, you're right. I'm big on the whole, like I'm OK with if you're choosing a trade and stuff.
Speaker 1:But is it really picture wise creating a CV or a resume to get you ready for your next level? That's a way to look at it, because you know, things are a lot more competitive than they were when we were in high school for the kids. And I feel like I have a kiddo in middle school and we're talking trade and certifications and we're talking about it. Now he's in sixth grade and I'm like you're in this academy, you're supposed to get certified in this, this and this by the time you leave seventh grade. You know you need to focus, you need to, and I'm like would I even comprehend this if my mom was telling me this when I was in seventh grade? Absolutely not, but this is their reality.
Speaker 1:And then add to that social media, because I was just thinking the other day, um, I was driving past, uh, boynton High, and I remember when Boynton High, like high school, had just opened and that was like the place to be the band, all of the football games, and I was like, oh, my goodness, I think a song came on and I was like, oh, and I used to for the football games, I would cut up my jeans and up with like the clothes that I used to make.
Speaker 2:I wanted to be different.
Speaker 1:Like I would be mortified if those pictures were circulating now, but we didn't have to worry about that. You know, if you, if you went to the game and you saw it, you saw it. You know, if I talked to some people that I went to high school, maybe one or two people will remember. Most wouldn't even know what I was talking about. Right, our kids don't have that luxury anymore to let something stay in their childhood because of social media. It's like, like you said, if some, even if you do, like a Snapchat because I know the kids are like, oh, you can snap and it'll disappear. Well, if someone screen records or screenshots, it doesn't, guys, it doesn't just disappear.
Speaker 1:So I empathize with them because they do have to make a lot of decisions that we just didn't have to make. And I do empathize and I do understand that. You know, as a, a parent, you still want them to get the full experience. You don't want to rob them of their childhood. You don't want to rob them of their teenage years, because part of you may feel like this is what you were supposed to do as a teenager. But the fact that, like you said, you take a picture, it may or may, it may be up for two hours, but there's a big if somebody screenshots, if somebody decides to screenshot and then send it to somebody else.
Speaker 1:And I feel like with boys and young men there's a lot that they have to worry about when it material things that they may have.
Speaker 1:You know that becomes an issue, and it's a little different when you're dealing with girls. You know you kind of expect the cattiness and the, the drama from the girls, but it may look different for the boys. So it's just another layer that we have to take into consideration as parents, and the kids are not thinking about that. They want to have a good time time. They wanna flex on their social media because that's what they see and it's all fun. Until you start to worry about the what ifs or until something gets back to school. You know that birthday, those pictures, whatever, that could have been solely on the weekend, right, and now it could be spilling over into school. If somebody has a picture, if somebody text it to somebody else, and now everybody's talking about it in school on Monday and I just feel like when we were growing up we didn't have to worry about it as much as the generation now have to worry about that for sincere.
Speaker 2:What I feel really good about is the fact that one, I let him have a voice. Two, he has a therapist, and when I sit in for the family sessions, the therapist always goes mom, this is the age group I see. If his session is wanting to talk about girls, this is normal. Like I would just wish he focused on the grades, that's not the boys right now mom Maybe girls, but that's not the boys right now.
Speaker 2:And then even still like if he posted something that his youth pastor feels like is inappropriate, he calls us to the side. Hey mom, we wanted to have a talk about this. I got sincere mentor. I keep, whenever the men's mental health group has an event it's like quarterly I take him to those things and it's a. It's a professor. His name is Dr McKay something, but he had an event recently at the Challenger Center in Tallahassee and it's like bringing comedy and awareness to like street violence and everything else. Oh, wow.
Speaker 2:And what he told the kids. He was like nine out of 10 times. A lot of the times, the people that we're trying to reach are never in this room because you guys have that are bringing you to these events, absolutely the ones that don't have the support that they need. And so I teach my son, I teach him from a place of that. We don't judge anything. We talk about the kid that, what, what the kid that doesn't have usually looks like coming to school. You know, even when it comes to the ones that might get in more trouble than others, I'm not a mother judging or having my nose up at somebody's kid, because that's still a child. That child needs to be loved on. Where's their support? Right? And so you know, we, we just keep talking and he'll show me in little ways that I'm doing a great job.
Speaker 2:Like, uh, when he was in eighth grade, he was like, mom, I don't want to go to school today and I was like why? He's? Like it's 4, 20, I don't even want to be around, whatever could go down. And I'm like like, okay, like he gets mental health days and then other days. I'm like I thought, I thought we were on the same page. I thought you were learning something he's like when he'll be. I want money to post, and I'm like I thought we were. Just I remember he showed me a post like oh gosh, this kid got robbed and shot like on prom night by flashing money right and.
Speaker 2:I was like you know so good, you're not gonna want to do that. He was like yeah, I still want to flash.
Speaker 1:What was the point?
Speaker 2:like what was. So you know again, I'm just still trying to help a young man navigate life. Yeah, and making choices. Is he always going to make the right choices? Probably not right, but I'll help teach him how to fall forward you know, okay, I like that strategy falling forward.
Speaker 1:I like that. I'm gonna write that down because it it gives them it leans a little more grace towards the kids. I feel like sometimes we set the bar as mothers for ourselves. When we're establishing our own goals and we start to achieve those goals, you know, the bar moves a little higher. And just from my personal experience, sometimes I feel like with my son watching me go through my journey and move myself forward career-wise education I feel like somewhere along the lines I thought like, oh, I'm setting a great example, I'm doing this, I'm doing that and I want him to carry the torch, I want to be able to pass the torch doing that and I want him to, you know, carry the torch, I want to be able to pass the torch to him.
Speaker 1:And I think somewhere along the lines, I really believe probably around the time where I was studying for my boards to become a BCBA, I think that's when something kind of changed right and I saw a shift and instead of admiration with my son, I think it turned into intimidation and then I started to hear the comments like oh, I don't think I can do that. Oh, that's a lot Like. Initially it started off with a lot of encouragement oh mom, you're still studying. Oh mom, I'm like I'm gonna bring you some water and I'm not gonna come in the room and I'm not going to bother you. Like he was so supportive.
Speaker 1:If I took a practice exam or a mock exam, he would be right there Like, what'd you get? What's your score? How'd you do? And then, once I passed the exam, I think he was able to see the shift, like career wise and things like that, and to watch me go into a different role. And then the comment started to change like, oh, I don't think I can do that. Oh, are you still working? I think you should take a break. Oh, like, so now, like he's giving me the therapy, right, like he's giving me the advice. And now he he'll come back and ask me questions about jobs. And I think the last time we had a serious conversation about a career, he was just like, um, the people who deliver Amazon packages. I'm like, yeah, he's like, they get paid for that. Yeah, he's like, ok, I think I can do that job. And I'm like what happened, bruh?
Speaker 2:listen what I tell you. It is for me that's the term when I'm like it's so ghetto out here, what just happened, right?
Speaker 1:like you're saying, we were on the same page, like I thought we were here. You know, I thought we were seeing eye to eye. So now we're slowly working back into things me just trying to find things and introduce him to different fields and career options, and everything doesn't have to be about college. You know, if he wants to do a trade, if he wants to do tech, if he wants to, like, follow the footsteps of his dad and and go into a career and just work his way up, you know you can do that too. But I also am trying to get through to him so he can understand like, listen, no matter what you choose, it's not easy, it is not.
Speaker 1:I have people who are going to school for HVAC and that's not easy. I have people who are like, oh, plumbers make six figures and they don't have to have a degree. Plumbers do a lot of hard work. Okay, when they go to school they have to do their. If they're doing an apprenticeship or something like that, that's not easy. That that's not easy work either. So, whatever you choose, you know you got to have an interest, there's got to be some sense of motivation from somewhere. But none of it is easy, whether you go the college route, the trade route, my husband, I look at what he does every day and I don't know like he has the patience of a saint, because I would not be able to deal with people like that, coming at me from all directions with attitudes and grievances, at the drop of a dime, and I have to address all of these issues with a smile on my face, no attitude, and how can I make it better, even though it's no real problem or I'm not? Seeing eye to eye like that's not. That's not easy either. So just trying to get him to understand all of this hard, all of it is difficult.
Speaker 1:Um, we didn't hit the lottery, we are not up. There is no um, no, um. What is it? Trust fund? There's no trust fund here. Like honey, you are going to have to work, you are going to have to support yourself and it's not going to be easy. Um, so it's nice to hear how. I don't know. I just feel like this is such a real conversation, even coming from a professional professional, like it is ghetto out here. We try to steer our kids in one direction and they are still, you know, gonna go what I love from both of us, what I feel like is the same as mothers.
Speaker 2:So for me, being a first generation, when I take sincere to these, like I have him in trio and he's going on college campuses and he's like, mom, if I make a hundred thousand dollars before I graduate high school, can I not go to college? And I'm like sincere, how are you making a hundred thousand dollars? He was like just shake on it. And I'm like all right, comes back like six months later. I don't think I'm gonna be able to make a thousand. He wanted me to um, put the the betting app, the hard rock betting. Oh no. And I'm like sincere, like I'm trying to teach him, like train him up in the word. I'm like I can't make you a gambler, son then I did do it.
Speaker 2:Then I took it off and I'm like he's like you always say yes, then you say no, and I'm like I don't want this for your life and you're losing more than you're making. So no, and, and so we do. Then goes, yeah, you could go the trade route. But then I'm like how about if you have a daughter like I want her to want to go to college, like I'm first generation, you could be second generation, let's create a third generation. But okay, if you don't want to, I don't want to force that on you, but okay, I don't see you wanting to do an oil change. I don't see like, so what you know, and I did all the things. I had them in the home depot workshops, I did the whatever library was having.
Speaker 2:So now, when you're navigating this teenage stage and I'm like my gpa still good, though my, stop bringing these because we're going to flps during the summer you're taking this over. Like stop thinking, I'm gonna keep signing you up for flps if you want to. He messed up hope class, the pe writing class, sincere, come on, what are we doing? And so then we had to retake it and so I'm just he's like what? I still got a great gpa. Where's the gpa? Well, I'm just gonna go to a community college and I'm like, yeah, community college is not easy either.
Speaker 2:They've raised the bar as well but I want you to know it is a tug of war. But what gives me peace is between his therapist, between the mentors, between them. They're like he is a typical teenage boy, OK, and you really don't like even the people that help get them ready for college. They're like they really don't know. You're steady guiding them as they figure it out.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm like okay, cool.
Speaker 1:Like you said, if I get to the other side of this, I will write about it, I will talk about it.
Speaker 2:But what I wanted to speak on, when it came to you and your husband, I think you guys have a beautiful representation Because again, again, we're called to be partners. We're called to have husbands like, because of my trauma, I and what's going on in the world, like you'll swipe and it's like this man just did this to her kids, swipe. This man just killed this woman. Yeah, and he, he was locked up for murder and killed her oh, I saw that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know like, come on like swipe, um, yeah, no, no, god has to sit down and tell me you're the one, sir, because you cannot bring your kids around everybody. But what you guys give your son is the best of both worlds and, on top of that, the way you guys support each other. He posts workout stuff. You don't post workout stuff. You know what I'm saying. But y'all be in the gym together and he's respectful Like he's a respectful person to the relationship. He is a great representation of the head of your household, because as a woman, you got to remember on my social media whether the men that engage me I'm baiting them like I'm like looking like don't be trying it. Like you know, like you're trying to make sure that somebody's not trying to secretly flirt with you or this and that. But he's a respectful man. So that's good that you have your son to have that in the household as y'all navigate trying to figure this thing out, because we never really figure it out you know.
Speaker 2:So I think you guys have a beautiful representation of the best of both worlds navigate in this world and really showing what if it is to be great parents thank you because I listen, we have.
Speaker 1:I feel like we've grown so much together and I tell anyone everybody who's in my inner circle, they kind of already know what the space that I was in before my husband and I even started dating was just really focused on prayer, fasting, and I remember one day going through a fast. I'm like you know what, god, I'm not gonna look at a man, I'm not gonna even sniff a man or anything like that. Like, if you want me to be with somebody, you gonna have to drop him on my doorstep. Because I was just kind of done with the whole dating scene and, you know, trying to get commitments from people who did not want to commit, like it was not supposed to work out right. So I took a step back and just kind of told myself you know what? This is the perfect time, the perfect age to just focus on myself. I was still living in Gainesville at the time. I had just graduated, I had just started my career in teaching, I lived alone and I was like it's okay, like you're by yourself, the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of yourself. So I really just dove into that right Spiritually, mentally, physically, anything. I wanted to do, anything. I wanted to do anything. I wanted to try. I think that's when I was really into like rock climbing and hiking and biking. Um, I would bike like 12 miles a day because I could you know, I don't have to. I didn't have any responsibilities other than to myself. And it was during that time and in that head that's when me and my husband kind of reconnected and I was even like Nope, made a promise to God, like not entertaining you. I made a promise to back up, I don't want to like it's not happening. And then it was like girl, but you did say God would have to drop him on your doorstep and sure enough, yeah, like like fool, this is this, is it? So that kind of happened. But I do tell people and I don't really, I don't really post much about spirituality, christianity, anything like that, because my journey has been a little different.
Speaker 1:Growing up here in Delray, our families kind of already set the tone and I grew up going to like what is that? St John, like a primitive Baptist church here in Delray. That was very, like, you know, very strict, very rigid, very. Women do this, men do this, children do this. This is it and that's you know it was very black and white and it wasn't until I got to college and one of my roommates invited me to church and I'm like God, she is relentless Like I am not going. And then I finally went and it was a non-denominational church, but it was a black, non-denominational church and the first I felt like a deer out of head, like looking in the headlights, a deer in the headlights looking around. That was my first time ever going to church in pants and the whole time I'm like praying to myself, like God, please forgive me for wearing these pants.
Speaker 1:Growing up like women don't women don't wear pants to church, like that's the kind of church in the congregation that we had. You know you don't do that. You don't go with your nails painted, you don't go. Um, you know you have to wear your stockings. No matter what you're wearing, you better have on some stockings and and no fingernail polish on Sundays and and things like that. So when I went to church, oh, and just the music in itself, the praise and worship look completely different At my church. They will escort you out Like you're not going to be shouting and all that hands up and falling out. They will. Those ushers will pick you up and escort you. Like you don't do that.
Speaker 1:So I'm in church and I'm just like almost going into shock. Like it's women in pants. The pastor is shock. Like is women in pants. The pastor is shouting, like the congregation is shouting, the music is great. And I'm like are they doing this to recruit members? Like what's happening? And she's like no, right, I'm like are they just doing this Because they know like they invited a lot of new people? And she's like no. And I'm like and they just doing this Because they know like they invited a lot of new people? And she's like no. And I'm like and you guys are wearing pants, like I need you to explain this. So everybody just wear pants if they want to. But you know, when they say come as you are, she's like no, the Bible says come as you are. I'm like I know that, but it's women in pants and pants and she's like come as you are.
Speaker 1:So up there it just made it really easy to build that relationship with God, because it wasn't all of you know these extra rules and all of that pressure, and there were a lot of youth groups. They had a lot of things for us to do, to get involved with the community. So they really made it. If you wanted to do something with church every day of the week, that became the norm. So I was able to really dig into spirituality and just kind of learn the Bible for myself from my own experience apart from my parents, right, because my dad was this Baptist. You know, on my mom's side, for the most part her family was Baptist, but then her mom became a Jehovah's Witness. So then it was always like my parents did not see eye to eye completely with what we were doing, but in our household they always gave my sister and I a choice, right. So if we wanted to go to the kingdom hall, sure you can go to the kingdom hall if that's what you want to do. If my granny came over on a saturday to do field service, then we did field service and we read the watchtowers and you know we'll do a bible. But on Sundays if we wanted to go to church or if we didn't want to go to church, we're still going to church, you know we just, hey, this is what it is, you're going to get both. And then I think the idea was, when you get older, then you can decide. So we now kind of follow that non denominational route here in our household.
Speaker 1:And even before my husband and I got married we were going to like Christ Fellowship and we did all the marital classes just for ourselves so that we could get on the same page with okay, what are the expectations of marriage? You know, we were engaged, we had our son first and then we ended up I think he was around like maybe two years old when we got engaged and then we were engaged for two years and it was just a lot of okay, let's figure out what this is going to look like, because we already live together, we already have a child, we know we can coexist right, and then we kind of know we know how to co parent with each other worst case scenario. But at least for me on my side of the family, I didn't really have a lot of examples of healthy marriages. So it took some time to really wrap my mind around. What is your role as a wife? What is a marriage supposed to be? What is that supposed to look like?
Speaker 1:I feel like watching my mom as a single mom. She was a great example of being a single mom raising a kid. So in my mind I'm like I got that motherhood thing, like I can do that, no problem. But actually being a mother in a marriage, you know, I'm not the head of the household, I'm not the parent that's making all of the decisions. I am not the parent that's making decisions by myself. I have to consider somebody else. So all of that kind of goes into play, even with my professional hat. Sometimes there are things that I would do differently in the household as a parent, just because of my professional knowledge. But then I have to take and consider okay, he has a dad and dad has just plays just as much of a role in this child rearing as I do. So now I have to figure out how to navigate that situation. So how I want to know like that's my experience, but for you, outside of prayer, how else do you go about making these decisions?
Speaker 2:so my last season with my podcast was finding my identity in Christ and I know, like a lot of times we know we're doing stuff but we don't really completely understand it. I knew I came to Tallahassee to finish my master's but then when I started going to church the first church I went to here I didn't grow up in a church. I had a mother that believed in God. She went to work seven days a week so she didn't have the capacity to take us to church but, she prayed with us.
Speaker 2:So I have a prayer mother. So only time I would go to a church is if I could catch a ride with a friend. But I did always know I had a relationship with God. Well, I knew God.
Speaker 2:I just really had a gotten a relationship with him, right. And so when I got to Tallahassee, I remember the first time, like after I graduated, I went and visited a church and I was like that is too loud, like music is. They are. I'm not saying they're obnoxious, but they were obnoxiously loud. And so I remember putting the status on Facebook like, give me some church recommendations in Tallahassee. So the next week I go to another church. And I remember going up to the altar for prayer and like I mean stadium lights, that's what it feels like, right, it felt like stadium lights. I'm like it's hot up here. And so I was about to join the church and then I just went and sat down. The lady came and got me to go back and I'm like girl, right, and I'm like God, it is too bright up in here. And I remember just hearing a voice say like, but it wasn't bright when you were in the club.
Speaker 2:Oh, wow, the music was too loud when you was in the club, so I was like all right, this is my church.
Speaker 2:Wow, okay, that's a way to look at it. Okay. So then I started going to this church and I mean, I've been through just different series of churches. I went to Haitian churches because I'm Haitian. I went to Haitian churches because I'm Haitian. I went to Haitian churches but I never knew what they were saying in Creole, like that, because my mom spoke English to us. She left Haiti when she was 14 and went to the Bahamas before coming here to the States. And I remember just like, really, where my relationship changed with God was when I started fasting. I started fasting, I was just like God. Like I remember, my book came out. It was so many highs. I graduated, my book came out, so many highs. And then I'm like God, what next? Like you know, I don't want to be the person like pursuing things because of my pain, like what next? And I just would hear surrender. And when I, as I was surrendering, he was just like, like cutting. He wasn't cutting my friends off, but he was taking me away from anything that distracted me from him okay and so I started giving him more time, and at that time, I was now making money on Facebook okay
Speaker 2:and I had no desire to post nothing on social media because I'm fasting like I want, I'm giving up stuff and I want to make sure that I'm giving him his time. And I remember, and then that's the time when I was working with autistic children so I'm an RBT and I'm not getting paid if I don't go to work and there goes, you mean to tell me like the closer you're getting to God, he's just taking things from you, like we're losing everything. And I was just like baby. I know it looks crazy, I know it looks crazy, but you got to believe he's going to bring it back. And so I really went through this Job experience and while I would every now and then come back on social media, everybody would just say how amazing I looked and I'm like where? And so I was going to the church.
Speaker 2:Now I'm a minister of training and I remember I served in the children's ministry and I remember coming into the classroom to serve and there was only the youth pastor in there and he goes. You came through the wrong door, like go out and come back in, and I'm like I mean I probably broke my neck, looking like to see if anybody was there, and I just kindly walked out and went around because what I had to start learning was God was teaching us how to serve. God was teaching us how to show up. God is teaching us how to be quiet when we need to be quiet. He's teaching us how to take order. When, like literally, like you just said, I got to go to my husband before I do something Like I think, even when we look at women and girls trips and all this other stuff, like you have to be one salty woman to feel some type of way of a woman said let me see what my husband before I do that, because that she's doing how she is supposed to be like, let me check in with God before I say I won't say yes to every podcast.
Speaker 2:I'm not saying yes to every event. If God is not ordering my steps there, I'm not like, if it makes no sense to the purpose that he has for my life, I cannot do it. And so when we learn to really start moving how God wants us, according to scripture, right. And so when I'm saying, according to scripture, I told you I'm already, I'm Haitian, so I'm like breaking generational curses of whatever voodoo was put on the bloodline, ok. Like literally talking about deliverance and I'm wanting more. And we talk about you talked about just watching how they sung and you know the falling out and people catching the Holy Ghost and you know, for me I was just like for a long time I'm like man, that is so fake. But then now you start, when you really start understanding, like when you look at the elders in the church and you think about the things that they probably went through.
Speaker 2:Yeah we have no clue.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Making it out of cancer, child surviving, being shot, or the prodigal child coming back, or you just never know what that person's been through. So when you're looking at them, it's not fake. They're giving God all they have in that moment. And so what I tell sincere is like you know, we go to church and I'm like you know, baby, I don't want you to think that. I don't want him to think we're caught up in tradition. Okay, we're going because, just like a person goes to the hospital if they break something, we're going to church because we know we're surrounded with people that are after God's heart. Now, does it mean these people are good, doesn't? It? Don't mean that they're all good, but they're steady coming back to get cleaned up. They're steady coming back to say god, I need more of you. Are they perfect? No, there are some people that are no good here right, yeah, that's important yeah, but this is.
Speaker 2:We're here because I know two or three are gathered and god does not want us to move in like solitude, like we're not supposed to be set isolated from people, like he keeps us in community Even if you don't. You're not like, oh, I got to talk to 20 people a day to know that I'm, I'm it. No, you don't have to talk to nobody a day. But if you're making sure you go to church, you're making sure you go to work, you're making sure that you're in your household, checking in as far as the boundaries and the balance and everything like those are the self check ins that you need to do to make sure that you're not functionally depressed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, wow, and that's yeah. I don't think anyone really puts it into perspective like that, but you do hear a lot of people walking around like, oh, I'm struggling with depression, I'm struggling with depression, well, why? You know what's contributing to that? And I never really put it in perspective that way as well. But definitely making those changes, making those adjustments, will take you out of a depression or a funk. Adjustments will take you out of a depression or a funk, or you know, getting around the right people who have similar goals to you.
Speaker 2:So even if they're not helping you directly, you know maybe directly helping you yeah, I talked to the youth pastor, but when he told me to go out and come back in what he told like that's teaching you. Like your boss might say something you don't want to hear next week that are having a rebuttal, zip it, go to God about it. And then, and when you're reading scripture, it's not saying that Elijah was faced with depression. Elijah was suicidal. God sent the bird to feed him.
Speaker 2:But if you're reading scripture, it reminds you that, oh, you could possibly go through that, but that's for a time and you can move through it, right. But that's why we have resources, we have therapists, we have the things that you need, that there's different apps. Utilize all those things. You had Job. Job lost it, all Job's body went through it. Like you are going to probably go through something, but the scripture reminds you that you weren't alone.
Speaker 2:These things didn't just start. They're going to continuously happen, like when we think about COVID right, read Revelations. Revelations made me feel like it was COVID. Made me feel like it was COVID right. So we just have to say God is close to the brokenhearted and I feel like my assignment on this world is to be close to the brokenhearted and I have to be more Christ-like in the things that I do and so to be like that. I don't want to be a person that look double-minded oh, she pretending or she's faking. Like I tell Sincere, when we close this door, I need to be who I am outside of here and to whoever's in this home with us, you know.
Speaker 1:So my relationship has just been based with full surrender. Okay, so right now, with the space that you're in, what are your three biggest challenges as a mom right now?
Speaker 2:my biggest challenges. As a mom, I would say like mom guilt okay mom guilt because a lot of times I want to make sure that I'm not giving it all to the community and not giving sincere enough.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow, okay.
Speaker 2:And so like helping raise the people in the community but not raising him properly. Time management If I had it my way, I would just work out all day. I would be playing tennis, golf, everything active you could think of. I get so much joy out of those physical things. But really managing the time between what needs to launch or what needs to be produced, what needs to be sown, and maneuvering the different businesses that God has in me to birth Okay, maneuvering the different businesses that God has in me to birth. And the last one I would say would be teaching sincere independence versus being overprotective. And so, again, that's because of my own trauma. So I try not to pour that onto him and give him free will and try to give that healthy balance of trying to help him navigate life. So again, that's why, like I said, I don't beat my baby, because I think I think a lot of times when people beat kids they lose sight of healthy beating a child and then probably are giving them whatever stressors they have. Going on absolutely there.
Speaker 2:That's when it could turn abusive, so I just don't even want to worry about so.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's one thing it always comes up in these conversations with behavior therapy, especially when either I'm doing like a parent training or like a workshop with a group of teachers, there's always that group. That's like it starts in the home. Somebody needs to beat their behind and it's like okay, so let's talk about spankings. Let's let's talk about it, because this is and you know we get the argument all the time when we explain to the parents that spankings, beatings, um, you know, paddling, whatever with a hand, shoe, belt, whatever it is that is reinforcement to the parent when it comes to, and people will argue us down. But when we break down the science of a spanking, usually there's a behavior that we call like a target behavior. They're doing something that you don't like, so you implement some kind of stimulus right to deter them from engaging in that behavior in the future. That's what we call like a punishment procedure. Anything that reduces behavior in the future good. What we call like a punishment procedure, anything that reduces behavior in the future good, bad, indifferent is a punishment, right. So the your kid is doing something you don't want them to do. You give them a spanking to stop the future occurrence of that behavior. The behavior stops, you know, for the time being. And then, if the behavior happens again, what do you do? You spank again. It stops, it encourages the parent to continue with the spankings, right, so it's reinforcing the parent's behavior. So, while it may be decreasing the behavior for that moment, we still have to teach a replacement behavior, right. But when you start implementing those spankings, where's the teaching right? Does the kid even understand why? Why? And typically, punishment procedures, things like that spankings?
Speaker 1:You know, I have read the research because I was a little torn as a parent because I was raised with spankings in the household and I'm like I got spanked and I turned out fine, right. So I I was conflicted because, you know, as a parent, you do have those moments and I just for myself, because you know, as a parent, you do have those moments and I just for myself. I wanted to know, ok, what's the best way to navigate this situation? And the research tells you typically, when it comes to a life or death situation, right, spankings are are more effective, right?
Speaker 1:So if it's a behavior like a kid running out in the street, okay, a spanking is appropriate, right, because you, you almost want to deter the kid so much like the spanking has to be severe enough. It can't be like a weak spanking because that's not going to deter the behavior. So it has to be severe enough. It can't be like a weak spanking because that's not going to deter the behavior. So it has to be the right amount of force, the right amount of pain to deter them from. No, that's what the research says. It has to be enough force to deter them from engaging in that behavior in the future. But it also has to be within a specific amount of time of the behavior actually occurring.
Speaker 1:So a lot of parents know you cannot be like. See, the research says you can spank. No, and the research does not say when you get that phone call at 12 o'clock in the afternoon that your kid is acting up at school. Now you go home, fuss them out at six o'clock at night and give them a spanking and it's gonna work. No, spankings have to be within a set amount of time of that behavior actually happening for it to be effective.
Speaker 1:And most of the time life does not allow you to spank immediately as soon as the behavior happens. That's number one. Number two is the behavior like a life-threatening situation, because if it's not, then there's no need for it If you're not. Say, if you have a little one going to jump in a body of water and they can't swim, okay, a spanking may be appropriate to deter them jumping in that free body of water, right, especially if they're too young to understand. Or especially if, if you are dealing with a kid with autism who may not fully understand, like, oh, I can't be there, it's not safe. The other outcome right, because you can't really backtrack. If a child God forbid if they die right, there's no more debate.
Speaker 1:So if it's a life-threatening situation, then you definitely want to use punishment, but most of the time, for the things that we encounter, they're not in immediate danger, it's not a life-threatening situation. So there is something else that you can do. You know talking to them, giving them replacement behaviors, giving them alternatives. That's gonna be a better fit, because how often are our children in life or death situations? Right, a lot of the time we are not in areas that are really, really dangerous, because then the behavior management is going to look completely different.
Speaker 1:And I think the research article if I can find it, I'll share it, but um, it was talking about, like the, the gang violence in Chicago okay, to deter them, those kids, from engaging in those life-threatening behaviors of joining gangs and things like that.
Speaker 1:Uh, they had better outcomes if they receive spankings and, you know, beatings, whatever you want to call it.
Speaker 1:If they received that kind of behavior management, they had a higher probability of not engaging in gang violence and things like that. So in that situation it was appropriate. But again, right now, today, how many of us are in those situations where that type of behavior management is warranted and a lot of us, fortunately are are in those situations where that type of behavior management is warranted and a lot of us, fortunately, are not in those situations. So we got to find other ways to deal with it and even generationally from us, the way that we were raised in the environments that we were raised in, a lot of my peers and classmates are no longer in those situations either. Right, so that parenting style is going to look different, that discipline style is going to look different, because we don't have our kids in the same environments that we grew up in. You know, my kid knows nothing remotely similar to the lifestyle in the area, the neighborhood that I grew up in, like he'll never know that life and sometimes go ahead.
Speaker 2:Another reality too, though, to speak to the single mom that's raising a son or even a daughter, when they get at that that they don't have words all the time to tell you that they're hurt.
Speaker 2:If that parent like, say, if you don't have a good co-parenting thing, like say that, if the person is like more absent than there, and so when, if your child doesn't know how to say, well, I'm mad that a promise was made and it didn't come through, what it probably sometimes look at is like they're lashing out on you about something you have no clue about, but because they don't have the words or they don't know how to express their emotions, and now you might want to try to like discipline them, but they're actually just hurt.
Speaker 2:So it's really like cause again, I'm not remember knock if you book or soft a gentle parent, and it's neither, it's neither, but it's more so really meeting that child where there are socially and I did a training and it's called with TBRI, and, and it's that stands for trust based relationship, relational intervention, but I'll send you the information about that but it talks about sometimes, when a kid doesn't meet that social development at a certain age, like, say, if you had a five year old boy that didn't get hugged enough, like say if you had a five-year-old boy that didn't get hugged enough, and so now at 15, like he might be 15 and you'd be like man he just really act like he five or for whatever reason, and it's really he presents with what's missing until that need is met.
Speaker 2:That's how he presents, but when you can meet it, then you could finally get him to be at that age and progress. But then now you're probably still dealing with stuff that regular teenagers would deal with, and so I love that aspect, because as a parent sometimes we try to overcompensate with things that really do not help Buying them stuff or taking them places or making sure they have all the things where you cannot fill the void, but you can give them words. Where you cannot fill the void, but you can give them words. Like I buy sincere journals to express himself. I'm always telling him to write how he feels and he's just like he thinks. I'm so crazy. I'm like dig, find a word. Here goes a list of words.
Speaker 1:But that's good because, you know, as I'm starting to get more clients who don't have autism but they have these severe behaviors, and I find myself going back to like, okay, what is missing here? Because we'll get the explosion. Like towards the end of last year I had an eight-year-old in a public school who ripped the door off the frame. Do you know how strong you have to be to rip a door off a frame? And we're not on the spectrum, but I'm like something like I get it, it's behavior, but what in the world is happening before that, you know? So I got teachers in distress. I got school administrators like the teacher is refusing to go back if that girl is in the room. And I'm like, okay, but I need a little bit more than that.
Speaker 1:What happened? Because with a seven-year-old and eight-year-old, they may not have the vocabulary you know and she can talk, but has anyone ever given her any explicit instruction on feelings? And this was around the time where I first like inherited the case and I'm like I think we need. I know it sounds so juvenile and so childish and I think a lot of times when teachers see you coming in with cards of faces and feelings, they think like, oh my God, you're wasting time. What are you doing? I could have did that, but you didn't.
Speaker 1:Right, and I'm like you know, I'm starting to see it more and more and more Right and I'm like you know, I'm starting to see it more and more and more. Has anyone really taken the time out to teach feelings Right? And I know the kids go to guidance and they I think they have like their guidance, I don't know, like once every six weeks or something like that. Now the guidance counselors teach a class, but do the kids really have enough time to process what they're learning? And I don't think, you know, they have the opportunity to learn these other feelings A lot of times happy, sad, mad, good, bad, like that's what they're learning.
Speaker 1:But what about those feelings that are kind of in between? I'm feeling anxious, I'm having resentment, I'm feeling, you know, whatever it is, that's not that doesn't fit with mad and sad, good and bad. You know when. When do they have time to learn what those feelings are, how it makes feel, what does that look like within my body? And when I get all these feelings, what in the world am I supposed to do? And I think for some of my kids it comes out as I'm gonna rip this door off the handle or this door off the frame.
Speaker 2:Us either, being parents creating spaces when we allow our children to tell us I didn't like when you did that yeah it would be like you're yelling. I'm like I'm not yelling. You're yelling like, but even matching him, like you know. So, at the end of the day, having safe spaces to like when. I caught parent teacher conferences. I'm like hey look, you guys are gonna get to tell me how he is, but he's also gonna get to tell me how you are, because I create that space and he's allowed to tell me, because it's not about what you felt like, it's how he felt, how he perceived it yeah
Speaker 2:you know, like if you're talking at him or if you're making him feel less than, or you had a one teacher that was like cracking joke with the other student and then like trying to give a command afterwards he's not gonna listen and come into his own and then become so all those things matter. And his therapist said at best he was like and then when it comes to men, it's one thing to give an instruction and it's another thing to talk at you. Yeah, when you get instruction, so there's so many dynamics. But because I know what I know and then you know I went to school for psychology and did a few years up in there.
Speaker 1:It's so different in this household but that's a good thing because I think they they need an opportunity and I always tell parents and professionals kids really need an opportunity to be in an environment where they can just practice, practice having those responses. You know, school it should be a place that's the perfect environment to practice some of these replacement behaviors, because they're not going to get it right every time. But you have to create an environment where it's like all right time out, you know, as the adult time out. How could we have handled that differently? Because that's that's not the way we do things in here, that's not the way it should go. But a lot of times, with either the time constraints, the lack of training, sometimes the patience is just not there. Burnout is real with these teachers and being overwhelmed and the high. And that's not an excuse because also, I am a parent as well and I will go in any parent teacher conference and let the teachers know that's unacceptable.
Speaker 1:You said like you called home, said xyz. My son told me you said this to him before this happened. I just had a very heated, very heated exchange with an assistant principal and one of my son's teachers because she she threatened to call his parents in front of the whole class right and tried to, you know, embarrass him and shame him. And then she sent me like an kind of spicy email, like I'm not tolerating this. I don't go back and forth with kids, I don't blah, blah, blah, and next time I'm just going to let the principal handle it, okay, so if you're talking, that's- what she said to you in email, so imagine how she talked to the child.
Speaker 2:Thank you, because she was comfortable to say that to you in black and white, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And then here's the kicker the school called me when I sent my reply and I had to like, type my response a couple of times and I had to give it a day before I actually calmed down and I had to self-regulate. I had to self-regulate myself because I'm still a parent and when these exchanges happen with my son, it's to the point where I get physically ill, like I will get sick, because I get so stressed out thinking about what he's enduring. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's. It's both like the like I'm, I'm already upset, I'm angry, but then that emotional peace because there's so much.
Speaker 1:I've been in the classrooms and I know how teachers can manipulate situations and I know how teachers can have a significant impact on a child's future, right? So I always try to taper my responses because I don't want anyone taking anything out on him. Right, he spends more time at school than he spends with me. So, taking that into consideration, like I want to be that emotional parent who's just going off and advocating for my child but at the same time I have to keep in the back of my mind okay, he has to go back tomorrow. This probably won't be resolved tomorrow. They could easily set him up, bait him again the next day and say, oh you see he did this. Yeah, send him home, call the principal, do this, do that.
Speaker 1:So it just makes me sick because there are people in these classrooms around our children who are not for children. They don't like our children. Every turn, every opportunity they get to break a child down, they will and they have an impact on a child's self-image. Right the words matter. The words matter. Actions matter. Have an impact on a child's self-image. Right the words matter.
Speaker 2:The words matter, Actions matter. You know I didn't have the experience of a teacher telling me I wouldn't be anything, but too many times you hear people say that or treat me like that. Since Sarah had a teacher literally tell him oh I seen your mom's social media, I should try to holler at her. Oh my God, how do you want him to show up? How do you literally tell?
Speaker 1:him. Oh, I seen your mom's social media. I should try to holler at her.
Speaker 2:Oh my god how do you want him to show up? How do you want him to respect you? How do you want him to? You know, when I had a teacher parent conference, it was like oh, he doesn't know when to stop talking. He said you cracked a joke, he cracked the joke back. You got mad. You know, like so it's, you can do it, he can't do it. You guys got to make up your mind and that was very inappropriate.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely you know so.
Speaker 1:Yeah, trust me, it's. It's an uphill battle, for sure, and it doesn't help, even when I try to put my professional hat on talking to say admin. On talking to say admin, okay, I'm not gonna get through with this teacher, I'm not gonna see eye to eye with this teacher. Let me take it to the next level and I try to let them know like, hey, this is my background, I've been in the classroom for this many years. I've been teaching since 2010. I've taught all populations, you know, autism, asd, ve, kids who are EBD, like you name it. I've done it. There's a way to handle these situations and this was not okay.
Speaker 1:And the this particular incident with the teacher um, when I sent my response in email, the teacher never responded. I copied admin on the the email. Admin called me. They never responded in email and you know why? Um, yeah, so they called me because they wanted to check me on some things that I said in my email.
Speaker 1:Because I I told the teacher like I was just there for a meeting that was scheduled two months ago. I scheduled this meeting two months ago. You knew when the meeting was gonna be held. The meeting was held a month ago. We stayed there for three hours. Not only did you not show up, you didn't even submit like a letter, a written statement, a summary, to express any of your concerns. But now, all of a sudden, I'm getting this email from you, like you're not going to tolerate this anymore. And then it was something so small and juvenile. I'm asking my son like well, what happened? And he was like well, there are two teachers in the classroom. I was turning around to get the attention of the other teacher. Kids from across the room started laughing and she said and she even wrote it in the email he's trying to make eye contact with other students. Like ma'am, you sound like an idiot.
Speaker 2:These are real life scenarios and I need every parent, every mother, every father to know do not back down when it comes to standing up for your child. You will always be their advocate. You don't even understand when it comes to admin, like what I have to go through. Again, I present on social media, I talk about advocacy, but at the end of the day, I do not share the most horrific challenges because I might be fully transparent, but it's.
Speaker 2:My son is still the minor and I want to be that person that's considered this influencer or creator, to the point that one day he wakes up and says I never wanted that shared or I yeah, absolutely you know we have to protect our children, so we might talk about stuff that are light, but when I tell you, navigating mommyhood has to be one of the most gratifying and horrific hoods you could ever pass through.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. It's a struggle and it's easy for people to dismiss your concerns because you are a parent and I have to tell my husband that all the time because before you know, I was the teacher, I'm the therapist, so in our household it's kind of like we have our roles right. You take on this, I take on that, you tackle this, I tackle that. You do this, you. And it got to the point where it got so bad at school with me, the administrators, the administrators even aftercare, like my husband had to start showing up, and it's so crazy.
Speaker 2:You start feeling like you're being ganged up on you because the co-workers got each other's backs.
Speaker 1:Let's just oh yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:I don't know if you're right or wrong. I got you back until I figure it out, but I still got you back because we can't tell let's outside of that way, absolutely. But your position you got. It's you, your husband and you guys are. You know, okay for doing, okay for yourself. But imagine that mom that is struggling, doesn't know how she's gonna pay her bill, doesn't know where she's gonna lay her head. Yeah, try to navigate all the resources and steady getting the door shut. That's why I fight for them, because I'm like y'all. And then she got to show up to a parent-teacher conference and don't know what to go, might not have the words for it. You'll see how you, with a degree with verbiage and research, show up and how they do you?
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. And they didn't check it until my husband started showing up, which is insane to me because I'm like I was the teacher. But as soon as he can say and he doesn't have the lingo, I feel like education has a special language of its own. My husband doesn't know, he doesn't know any of that language.
Speaker 2:But it was the man.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, if he says this does not make sense, I wouldn't speak to somebody that way. I don't speak to people at my job the way you spoke to my child conference over. We will work on it, we'll fix it, we'll. But before, when I was there, it's like I'm coming back to meeting after meeting, after meeting, after I have documentation, I have emails, I have, and my husband can say one or two things and shut everything down. So now moving forward, every meeting, if it's meet the teacher, if it's a parent teacher conference, we have an agreement. Teacher, if it's a parent teacher conference, we have an agreement, we have an understanding that he has to be there.
Speaker 1:Because, with all of my experience with and I try to be there as objective as possible they do not treat me the same. So I can't even imagine if I didn't have somebody as a single mother to stand in with me. Not only that a lot of times, if you are a single mother, when do you have time to take off Right To attend these meetings that you want to have in the middle of the day Because the teachers, they don't want to stay after their contracted hours? That's not an option. So, god forbid, this parent cannot show up. Teachers will drag a parent through the mud if they do not show up and they do not take into consideration she has more than one child. She has a job.
Speaker 1:She might have two jobs exactly can we make this a phone call? And then it almost forces parents to get on. The kid like, hey, I can, I can't miss work. I know that's the household that I grew up in. My mom was a single mom, with me and my sister, and that was the rule. Do not have those people call me from that school. My mom worked at some at some point. She worked four jobs at the same time. She worked all day long getting a phone call home.
Speaker 1:Having somebody yeah, having somebody pick you up from school because you violated dress code. That's not an option in this household, because that means like a bill is not getting paid.
Speaker 2:She has to pay right.
Speaker 1:She mom had to pay the mortgage. You better not get a phone call talking about your midriff and you got to go home. What?
Speaker 2:but but think about and this is what like people don't like where my passion lies is really trying to get our next generation through, like I want to be to that person that doesn't have the voice, because if you guys didn't do that for your child, imagine how they would have probably pushed them through this system as the problem child oh yeah, go around and in the class laughing yeah, absolutely your ego was hurt yeah, yeah it was.
Speaker 1:Because when she called him out about it, he spoke up for himself and he said I'm not doing anything. And her rebuttal well, they're laughing. And he said I have nothing to do with that, you're being disrespectful, I'm not dealing with the back talk, I'm gonna call, I'm gonna email your mom, I'm gonna blah, blah, blah. And before we even had the meeting, I think, I told whoever was in charge of the meeting. I told them I was like listen, my kid has anxiety. Me and dad are on him about our expectations and we are very big on respect. Do not use us as a threat, because we hold our son accountable. If there is a situation where he was being disrespectful, he knows what comes with that. We don't play about that. So do not just throw that loosely around.
Speaker 1:Because in elementary yeah, in elementary he he had a couple of teachers like I'm gonna call your mom, and I think she did it one too many times and he had a whole anxiety attack in front of everybody. Luckily, you know, he was young enough to where the kids didn't bully him and tease him for it, but it was kind of like, but it was so bad, the kids were texting me hey, is he okay? Miss so-and-so was really mean to him. Because initially I'm like I try to stay level-headed and say, hey, you know, teachers are human too, so sometimes they don't respond the way that they should respond to situations. It may not even have been you, but you may have been the straw that broke the camel's back, and I'm not saying that it's fair, I'm not saying that it's right, but that's what probably happened.
Speaker 1:But let's try to move forward. Let's try not to hold a grudge and hold this against this teacher, because, also, you're never going to win in a situation that's child against teacher. You're not going to win that argument. So your best bet is to keep a cool head and contact me and even if you have to go to the bathroom and send me a text message, go to the bathroom and send me a text message. I will handle the adults. You don't handle adults, I do. But I know my kid and if he's gotten to the point where he's like I didn't do that, I didn't do this, I didn't say he's not saying that for no reason. So now I need to know what else happened because he's not going to do that for no reason, right?
Speaker 2:And you're lucky that you have that rule with him where I handle the adult. I mean my calls that I would get was sincere, like by the time sincere gets off the phone. I'm like you need to be quiet. I fight the battle. He's like no man. No, no, no mom. And I'm like no mom. Let me tell you what I did. I'm like Sincere and I have to stop what I'm doing. Go to that school, get him in the office and talk. Don't do that. This is their classroom. It don't matter if you're right or wrong. Yeah, they run it. So please let me get here. Let me let me handle boy after they get to a certain age, like he got to that age where his chest was up. It's like no, no, moms of black boys.
Speaker 1:You have to tell them that should be the rule, but people are not going to treat you that way girl, when you're dealing with egos.
Speaker 2:You're watching teachers and students getting fights. I'm like boy hush. I don't need to know. You got snatched up because of your mouth right I don't want you to be the star that broke the camels back and now y'all fighting. Yeah, that's what you know, like you, literally, there was a time period when that's all we were seeing was five videos between student and teacher. Yeah, I don't want that to be your question. Just be quiet. Yeah, but because now they have the audience between the adult and the child they're going to put on it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I also feel like, as a teacher, it's your responsibility to create a safe space for your class, right? Because you should not as an adult, you should not.
Speaker 1:As an adult, you should not be backing a child right and backing a child into a corner where now they feel so heightened and so escalated that they're ready to flip a desk. That even if you have kids with behaviors, because I've worked in what we call like VE classrooms, so a VE classroom VE is what we call varying exceptionalities. Sometimes it's like they don't even know how to categorize these kids. Something is wrong. You got some explosive behaviors. I've had students who are like they'll tell me up front, miss, I'm just trying to not go back to jail. Okay, I appreciate your honesty, like there's a way to handle those situations. But you have to be humble. Number one you have to be knowledgeable when to see the signs right, because certain students, certain kids, you don't know what kind of trauma they are bringing into that classroom. So you keep poking the bear and then you get mauled and it's like, oh my gosh, poor teacher got attacked or whatever. What? But what led up to that?
Speaker 2:Okay, that took the door off the hinges.
Speaker 1:You're like that just don't happen. Correct, that is not normal.
Speaker 2:They're saying oh door coming Like you had. It has to be a built up energy Right.
Speaker 1:Right, and an escalated adult cannot deescalate a child, so normalize hitting the buzzer. Your colleague, you know what I can't handle like. I'm not in the right headspace right now to deal with this because I grew up on some, if you book, so I'm gonna let you hint like I'm gonna need help with this situation because I don't want to put my hands on a child like, as the professional, you don't put yourself in that situation either, right, but and as the adult, that's your responsibility I don't care what is happening with that child. When, as soon as they come into your classroom, they're showing some signs, you will have the kid that's being the class clown excessively like they're waiting for you to tell them no. They want you to tell them no, right? Yeah, they want that attention of you telling them to sit down so they can tell you no, because something probably already happened and now they're just, they're ready. And I feel like kids. I always tell people kids have more energy than adults. So don't think you, you know, don't. Don't set yourself up to run that race with them, because they're ready, they've been waiting on this. Don't give them that opportunity.
Speaker 1:So if I see myself, when I had those classrooms, I had the kids on house arrest. I had the kids going back and forth between alternative school and then coming back to my room and you know, if anything happens, you're going right back to alternative school like I've had that. I've been pulled into meetings where it's like, hey, this kid likes to knock out teachers, I'm sorry what? And there's no. There's no self-defense against a child. You can't hit them back. So here's what you do instead. I'm sorry what. In that case, let me pair with this child and build a rapport a little bit more. So, if you feel like knocking somebody out today, hopefully it's not me. It won't be me, it won't be me. I don't want to get knocked out today.
Speaker 2:But kids' discernment is like see, even with a nonverbal child, right when if you're talking about a child in front of them, just because they can't say nothing to you, don't mean they didn't hear you talk about them.
Speaker 1:Correct, absolutely. They feel like someone when you don't mean, they didn't hear you talk about, correct absolutely when you don't like them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they know your attitude. Change how you show up. Make them feel important.
Speaker 1:Yeah, even if they have a mean mug on their face, let them know that you're excited that they're here today yeah, I think the toughest class that I ever taught in my entire career was my eighth grade class that I had right before everything got shut down, before COVID, and I told my husband. I was like, oh, this was such a blessing. And he's like, what I'm like? Honey, I kid you not, I don't know how I was going to make it to the end of the school year and I had started sending myself back to like professional development trainings, behavior management trainings. I was still in school to be a behavior analyst.
Speaker 1:At the time I was finishing up my classes and it was just that was the hardest group that I had ever dealt with. But because my background was special education, it's like they gave me all of them and people, teachers, would walk past my classroom and be like, oh, you got that group. Oh they, I had that group last year and I almost retired Like they were terrible. And I was so thankful when they said schools were closed for COVID because I just mentally did not know how I would corral that group after spring break to make it to the end of the year, because after spring break you know there's testing this, that and the third.
Speaker 1:But the kids, the way things are set up, they kind of already know if they're being promoted to the next grade level or not yeah so if they know they're being promoted, even if they fail the last nine weeks, the last semester, um, they can still be promoted to the next grade level. What? And certain kids? They don't care about a gpa, they don't care about, you know, the scheduling for high school. So what's gonna motivate them to finish the school year strong by the you know to, to keep it together for the next nine weeks? I? I was running out of ideas and then COVID hit and I was like, thank God. But then we started doing. Um, what is that?
Speaker 1:the virtual teaching yeah and I had a chance to see what their home life was like on that computer screen in the classroom. You know, being in their home like they're in my home, I'm in their home. I got a chance to see a different side and it was heartbreaking. And then I felt it told the story, yeah.
Speaker 2:It literally helped.
Speaker 1:you say this is why yeah.
Speaker 2:I get it, I get it now, yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I can't tell you how many kids were like, basically the parents of the house, like, hey, I got to cook, hey, I got to this, hey, and I'm like, oh it, yeah. House like, hey, I gotta cook, hey, I gotta this, hey. And I'm like, oh it, yeah. It was gut-wrenching to the point where it almost became therapy just for us to sign on, just to be together, not even like you know what, we can review some vocab. But how are you guys doing? What's going on? And it, it. We built a rapport in a totally different relationship outside of the the classroom, because I got a chance to see what was really going on and then it just made a lot more sense and I just always where the aggression came from yeah, absolutely, absolutely so.
Speaker 1:But getting that experience. It always puts me in the mindset of even if you have a kid with because we have kids with mental disorders, cognitive disorders, emotional disorders all of that can come out as behavior, right, even if you're dealing with the most severe case, teachers need to be trained on how to de-escalate those situations and not make it worse, and they really need to understand at that point. You know, there comes a point where you're not dealing with a rational individual, right, if you're dealing with a little one, if you're dealing with a teenager, if you're dealing with a preteen, it's not there. So that whole, I'm the adult, you're the child. This is respectful. That's irrelevant right now, with whatever they're going through, whatever they have going on, that is completely irrelevant and you need to take a different approach or this is going to get worse.
Speaker 1:So I always have that in mind and now I just try to apply it to what I have going on in the household. But, like I said, I I make a conscious decision to be a parent with my kid instead of being his therapist. So I also have to have those conversations with him like, hey, I'm human, so don't get it twisted like, take some of the bass out of your voice because I might be triggered now. If if you want to have a conversation, we can have a conversation. But I feel like not too long ago I even told my son like look, I'm not ready to have a conversation yet, because I'm just that upset and I don't want to say something that I'm going to regret later. So I need you to step out of my space Like I'm upset. I need you to back up.
Speaker 2:Then Sarah will let me know when he does not want to talk. And I remember this one time he did something that just really, really, really, because I'm really careful with my words and I was like are you stupid or are you dumb? He said Mom, are you serious? Like you've never talked to me like that before, like if there's only two options, you're calling me. Like you've never talked to me like that before.
Speaker 1:Like, if there's only two options, you're calling me, but that's where I say like we're human.
Speaker 2:I'm like like, just don't talk to me right now, because I don't even want to say nothing worse than that. But. Yeah we're human, what do we do you know? So, like I, when I would talk to the teacher, I just have to say, like I, I just really want to hope that you didn't start this journey of being the teacher for the straight a student and even the straight a student.
Speaker 1:I mean their personalities and their. It comes with a lot. It's it's a tough job, but I'm just not for people breaking kids down and I don't care what kind of kid it is. And I've dealt with, you know, I've dealt with students that I absolutely do not like, but I would never let them pick up on it, and I even had a student call me out, um, because they had no clue. They were like miss. We heard miss so-and-so talking next door and she said you don't even like us. You don't like us.
Speaker 1:I'm like why would they say that I?
Speaker 2:do. I don't like. Did it make sense? Well, yeah, so I just be like these are little humans and we. Their introduction to us should be with love. Yeah, cause we don't know that most likely a nine out of 10 times that behavior comes from. Again, I work in human services, social social work. If you're helping a person that's going through domestic violence, everything is catering to mom, but the social workers and the schools are probably not doing what they need to do. Or this kid probably done moved three times, and who gets left behind in the whole process?
Speaker 2:it's the child yeah, absolutely failing because the work hasn't been, you know. So so much is going on with this child and now, where you have the kids that are thriving, it's amazing, but they're failing and nobody knows why.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely so, yeah. So I want to know, as we come to a close with this episode, I want to know what advice do you wish you had been given a lot sooner when it comes to motherhood?
Speaker 2:wish you had been given a lot sooner. When it comes to motherhood, I would say some advice I think I would have liked to know sooner is that we're not supposed to do it alone. Okay, and asking for help is not a bad thing okay, okay, I like that because we're definitely not a bad thing, I would say.
Speaker 2:if leaning on family seems more like they're judging you, then see if you have a safe families in your area, because safe families literally want to come alongside families and disciple and just really love on them, like Christ loved the church.
Speaker 1:Oh wow.
Speaker 2:And so there you'll have a nonjudgmental, unopinionated person probably trying to tell you how to navigate life and judging you off of whatever you're going through. I think, when I had hit financial hardship, I think for me what hurt the most no matter who was helping and how they could help was it looked like I could have been irresponsible with money and I had to go through my savings. Okay, Right, and so I had to go through my savings. But I had.
Speaker 2:I was in a field that just didn't cover me if I wasn't working and not working would be my kid is sick, so I can't go to work, you know like if there's no replacement, so um, just being able to like, look for a resource that could help you navigate life and know that you're not doing it alone because we're not mental and it's called safe families safe family for children safe families for children.
Speaker 1:Okay, thank you for that. I'm gonna um post that in the show notes.
Speaker 2:Let me just write that down and I'll send you a link to say family, so that people can see what it's all about yep, okay, and then I want to.
Speaker 1:Before we wrap things up, how can our listeners contact you If they wanted to reach out, if they wanted to follow your journey? What's the best way for them to do that?
Speaker 2:So everything across all boards is my name Marquisa Tassie on my website that's M-A-R-K-E-I-S-A-T-A-S-S-Y. So MarquisaTassiecom. My Instagram is Marquisa underscore Tassie. My fitness journey is Body by underscore Kisa. My podcast is Beautiful disaster GPS and that could be found on Spotify, but I do plan on putting it on all platforms, so that's how people can keep up with me. And again, I just live a fully transparent life where I talk about how to navigate all things through my pain turned purpose.
Speaker 1:I love that and thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Thank you for your time and your insight, your resources, your advice. Like I said, I know I get a lot from just following your page, your journey. It does inspire me to try some things I've been wanting to try out, so I think, if I can benefit from it, I know other moms could definitely benefit from witnessing your journey. So thank you again for your time and I look forward to just watching the rest of your story and I can't wait until your other projects come out. So I'll be looking for that as well.
Speaker 2:Thank you, thank you, thank you. Let's see what God does, right, right.
Speaker 1:Hey everyone. It's your favorite BCBAD here, dr DeLoren, and I'm here to ask you to help us continue making great content for listeners everywhere by visiting www.4hittymomscom, where you can make a monthly contribution. Also, visit us on Instagram, youtube, facebook and TikTok at Foreshitty Moms and that's shitty. With an X, not an I.