Dimensions
Join J. Anthony and Tiffany Gilbert as they discuss current events and give biblical commentary to help educate, encourage, and elevate your faith.
Dimensions
Relationship Q&A segment with Dr. Love
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Dr. Love joins Dimension to share biblical wisdom and practical tools for building healthy relationships and navigating communication pitfalls that couples commonly face.
• The importance of remembering why you fell in love when the novelty wears off
• Focusing on the 90% you love about your partner rather than the 10% you dislike
• Being intentional about creating time and space for your relationship
• Learning not to take your partner's personality as a personal attack
• Creating emotional safety by truly listening and repeating back what you heard
• Understanding the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation
• Implementing the "three-day rule" - after three days of conflict, dedicating 24 hours to loving on each other
• Practicing "I feel" statements rather than accusations during conflicts
• Recognizing when relationship issues stem from personal trauma requiring individual healing
• Surrendering relationship struggles to God rather than fighting in your own strength
If you're feeling hopeless in your relationship, don't throw in the towel. Take time to submerge yourself in God's presence and watch what He does in your spirit and home when you surrender your struggles to Him.
Well, welcome everybody to this special edition of Dimension. I'm so glad that you joined us today. We have a very, very special show, but before you do anything, I want you to like, subscribe and definitely share. We're going to be talking about relationships, as we said earlier, and I know that I'm missing somebody here. I know that Pastor Jay isn't with me, but I have a very, very awesome guest with us today and I'm going to introduce him already. So why don't you come on in, okay, okay, okay? The guests say keep going. So we'll keep going until he's ready to come.
Speaker 1:But one of the things that we wanted to do is talk about relationships. You know there's so many. You know we have fun and we um, you know, joke around about different things, but there are so many people, so many couples, that need help and relationships. And it's amazing because it doesn't matter if you just got in it, you're one, two, three years or you're 50 years in, we can always brush up on different things. So that's what we want to do tonight, and we're going to be talking about relationships. We're going to kind of be going deep and then also too, and we're going to be talking about relationships, we're going to kind of be going deep, and then also, too, we are going to be answering questions live. So if you have any questions that you'd like to send us, to send our way, we'd love to answer those questions for you. Anything that you have on your mind Maybe it's not you, maybe it's somebody else, maybe you're seeing somebody else in their relationship struggle and you'd like to ask for them definitely do that.
Speaker 1:One of the things, I think, for me, one of the biggest things, is communication. Communication, I think, always trips up couples, and so we're going to talk about some of the tools that will help you navigate and journey through some of the communication pitfalls, and we're going to be doing this all from a biblical perspective as well. So are you ready, guests? You ready to come on? All right, grab yourself a pad and pencil, because the love doctor is about to speak.
Speaker 1:Well, I hope you enjoyed seeing that everybody. So today, no further ado, we have Dr Love in the house. I love that. I love that Dr Love in the house. I love that. I love that. Dr Love. Yeah, and you look good.
Speaker 2:Well, you know I had to bring it out for y'all. I want to make sure if Dr Love is going to show up, I can't come with my regular stuff. I got to come with my attire ready to represent because Dr Love is in the house and I'm ready to make some house calls and answer your questions. So, listen, if you have questions I need, you can type them in the chat. If you want, we'll get them right there on the chat. However you want to do it, you can still get ahold of us and let us know any of your questions. We're going to be asking questions that have already come in and we want to tackle some of yours. So even while we're talking, you might have some questions. If you throw them up there in the chat, we'll be able to answer your questions live, all right, y'all. So Dr Love is in the house, y'all. We putting in on this.
Speaker 1:All right, Well, listen. So I just want to go through. So we have Pastor Lynn is in the house. Pastor Lynn, we love you yeah man. We have Melanie in the house. Just saw her yesterday. We love you. So what do you think my husband is going to say?
Speaker 2:Well, so what do you think my husband is going to say? Well, you know, it don't really matter what you don't tell him, what happens in dimension stays in dimension Right, right, okay, all right.
Speaker 1:Well, it'll stay here. So I know you've got some good stuff for me and for the people that are going to be watching. For sure, for sure, we're ready to go.
Speaker 2:Well, you, know a lot of people want to know about relationship stuff. That's something that's near and dear to our heart. We are really advocates of being transparent and talking about what we've gone through in our relationship, the things that God has given to us. Hopefully it'll be a blessing to a lot of you and that's kind of why we're here. So I'm excited to get in on this stuff. But listen, let us know what you want to know, because Dr Love is ready to answer your questions.
Speaker 1:So also share Once again share like subscribe, let somebody else, like you said, sharing let somebody else know, um, you never know who needs it. You know there's so many times that people are walking around and you have no clue what they're going through. You have no clue what they've been through, um, so you don't know how you sharing this will actually, in turn, be a blessing to somebody else, so I'm excited about getting in.
Speaker 2:And I have some questions. Let's do this. You know I'm ready. Dr Love ain't never rattled y'all. I ain't nothing to throw my way that I. There's no question too heavy that Dr Love cannot move.
Speaker 1:That's right. Well, listen, before we get started. It is customary on Dimensions that we always like to do a. Would you rather segment? So get ready, All right, so we are back, we're ready to do, would you rather? I don't think I've ever done this part just with you. We've done it with our guests, but I haven't done it with you, no, so, and I haven't shared these questions with you either. So are you ready? I'm ready, all right, would you rather? I'm just going to go right in. Would you rather kiss for 15 minutes or cuddle for two hours? Are you ready for this? Do you want the Dr?
Speaker 2:Love answer. Or do you want the Anthony Gilbert, the husband, answer.
Speaker 1:I want whatever came to your mind first. That's what I want.
Speaker 2:You know that's a tough one there. It depends on what mood I'm in. Okay, you know what. That's what I want. That's a tough one there. It depends on what mood I'm in. Okay, you know what I mean. Sometimes I love a different mood.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying. It depends on what mood I'm in.
Speaker 2:Sometimes that cuddling can lead to the kissing.
Speaker 1:Sometimes the kissing can lead to the cuddling.
Speaker 2:I think it all just depends on what type of mood I'm in. I don't know if it's would I rather have, but it's a choice for the rest of my life. Would I rather cuddle for two hours or kiss for 15 minutes? Man, I think I'd take a kiss, because you can cuddle when you kiss.
Speaker 1:So I'll take that, so you can do both, yeah you can't kiss that I'm going to tell you right now. There is nothing better than coming home after church, cuddling, laying on the couch changing your clothes, god moves into church.
Speaker 2:Oh, I know right, talking about what God did.
Speaker 1:Isn't that great. You ever see that commercial where they come home it's not a commercial, it's a meme. It's a real, I think a real or a meme or something like that, where they come home from church and they just strip all their clothes off and they're ready to go. They change their clothes. They don't strip their clothes off, but they change their clothes off so quick. That's what I love.
Speaker 2:I love that. And then you take that nice little Melody, put something in there. The cuddling definitely, because everything else follows after cuddling.
Speaker 1:Go ahead, melody. So there you go, that's right.
Speaker 2:But you have to pick, though. That's the only thing, Melanie. You have to pick between you want only cuddling or you want kissing. That's the whole purpose of Would you Rather? Yeah, would you Rather, so you can't lead into other things and have your cake and eat it too. That's why I was saying I can kiss you, but I can cuddle with you while I'm kissing. That's right you. What would you that are watching? What would you choose? Would you choose the 15 minutes of kissing?
Speaker 1:but I guess you should be a good kisser, right? Yeah, yeah. Well, I was gonna mention about that.
Speaker 2:But I'm gonna get myself in trouble. I'm just gonna say it what? Go ahead. No, I want to know too. Like, see, I don't know about y'all if I'm kissing. I want, you know, I want a kiss. Don't call me this stuff here. You know what I mean. I mean I want the kiss, I want, I want them soup coolers. You know I'm saying that's what I'm looking for. Dr love likes the soup coolers, y'all yeah, come on somebody. Y'all know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:All right, so, oh, so okay. Cuddling physical touch goes further. All right, so okay. Second one would you rather rewind time to like 10 years before you met me, so that we could know each other longer, or would you prefer to spend more time with me now?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say go back. Okay, I would go back, knowing where we are now today there's a lot of things I'd do differently.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So I've learned a lot. So if I was with you 10 years earlier, we talked about having more kids, things like that A lot of things we do differently. So I think for me, even if I have more time with you now, I would rather have the earlier years and be able to do some things differently.
Speaker 1:Well, I think about your mom passing. That too, and even the boys having an opportunity to meet your mom and develop that relationship there, to rewind For sure. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Yeah without a doubt.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that's good. What would you rather Everybody that's watching? Would you rather rewind the 10 years or spend time With the?
Speaker 2:person. You're with the person that you're with now.
Speaker 1:Spend more. All right, so let's move on. Last one, would you rather? Oh, I'm actually afraid to hear this response, dr.
Speaker 2:Love's in the house, y'all I really am.
Speaker 1:I really am everybody. I'm afraid to hear this response. Would you rather that I am always on time or never upset?
Speaker 2:Oh, I take never upset, never upset.
Speaker 1:I knew you were going to say that I'll deal with the time, because you know what.
Speaker 2:If you ain't on time, I can take my own car, but being upset, I mean, that's something else.
Speaker 1:Sometimes that takes time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, you can take that while you're in the car you can drive, and that'll take you to time to be able to get through yourself.
Speaker 1:No I. Yeah well, you can take that while you're in the car you can drive, and that'll take you to times to be able to get through yourself. I would definitely take that, never upset.
Speaker 2:Ladies and gentlemen, whether you realize it or not, I'm more serious and all that and more detailed, but I do not like drama. I don't like drama, I don't like arguments, I don't like. I know it's all part of life, I don't run from it, but I'm one of the people I like to keep the peace in my home. So, whatever it takes to keep the peace in my house, I'll deal with being late and, yeah, give me that any day.
Speaker 1:Well, if I'm never upset, you can tell me anything that you want. Well not even just that, and I'll never get upset Just having the peace. Yeah, that is so important no-transcript. You want to have a place where there's peace and rest and you can come home.
Speaker 2:Your home is your sanctuary, so for me that's probably more important than anything else.
Speaker 1:Well, you know, I've heard it put this way no N-O God, no N-O peace. But then you know God, no N-O-P-E-C-E, but then you know God, k-n-o-w. You know peace and it is so important. You don't want to give up your peace for anything or anybody, because sometimes, when you give it up, it is so hard to get back.
Speaker 2:Sometimes you really have to fight, fight. I just want to um mention that. Um so, savannah, we love you. Savannah, thank you for jumping on with us more time now. She said she's young, though she's young 10 years ago what would she been like?
Speaker 1:15?
Speaker 2:she's young, so that's easy you know, yeah, but when you're like 48, you know you want to go back. You want to go back. That's a good point. But that's good, though, savannah, we should ask you in like 15 years what would you rather do?
Speaker 1:But that's good. So you said more time, now we have to be more intentional about one on, and that's good. We do. We have to be more intentional about one on one time. You know, I think about um. You know, when you ask people hey, how are you doing? What's going on? I'm just busy.
Speaker 1:I got so much going on. You know, and before you know it, you've missed so many important milestones and experiences in your life. And I always say this you can never go back. You can never go back, you can't. You know, even though we've asked this question and know we had fun with it. But you really can't rewind, you know. So I encourage everybody to make sure that you spend the time with your family, you spend the time with your loved ones, you make sure that you have that quality one-on-one time. I know that things get busy, there's a lot going on in our lives at times, but it is so important that we make sure that we take the time and set it apart and don't let anything come into that time and erupt it. But we, you know.
Speaker 2:No doubt. Hey, real quick. I want to give a couple of the shout outs. Tammy Lewis is watching us right now. What's?
Speaker 1:up Tammy Hi, Tammy Good to see you. And my man.
Speaker 2:Jordan, j Rivers, simpkins.
Speaker 1:Jordan, what's up, man?
Speaker 2:We're talking about relationships and I am Dr Love. See, some of y'all don't know, this is my, what is it? Your alter ego, as we want to call it, Dr Love, and that's what we're doing on this podcast episode. You are, we're answering your questions, uh, biblically. However, from our experience and everything else, those of you that are in take a minute right now like subscribe, follow, do all that good stuff again. So there's other people that are going to hear it, because we're about to get in on some good stuff you have another question, or are we good?
Speaker 1:We are good with the would you rather segment, so we're going to get deep into the relationship questions. But before we kind of go deep, I would love to know, and I want everybody else to know how did you come up with the name Dr Love? How did it come? Did you come up with it? Was it attached to you somehow? What happened If?
Speaker 2:anybody should know the answer. That should be you?
Speaker 1:Well, I do, but I want you to share it. I want you to share it.
Speaker 2:The love power of Dr Love y'all. Now on the real. Actually, what happened? I've always had a passion for relationships and so I would be on television sets and they would call in about relationship questions and they would always just appreciate the wisdom and the advice and the insight that I would have. So they just started calling me Dr Love and so I have that on hard questions. If you've watched that on Cornerstone Television Network on any of the daytime shows, whether it was Hope Today or whether it was Unscripted Faith or all that, it's all carried through with that.
Speaker 2:And so Dr Love is kind of just something. That kind of came to me from people. People called me that so they said you should play off of that. So we're adding that two dimensions. We're doing a special series even this Sunday in charge of relationship part two, talking about how to show goodness in relationship. It's deeper than what you think. It's not just well, how do I do something nice for them? There's a whole lot more to that. So that's just something that we're going to play off and being able to use that. So at any time if you have a question, even if Dr Love is not dressed up in his finest, I will always be here for you, and so if you have questions that you want us to answer about relationships, whether anonymously or you want us to know, just send them to us, because we're going to tackle those questions.
Speaker 1:And you know, I really believe before I kind of go into here I really believe that I see it, not even believe. You see godly relationships under attack.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think it's so important to have the tools. I remember somebody told me back in the day when they got married I mean they're 40 years in at this point, almost 50, actually almost 50 years in and they said you know, their marriage counseling was just. They came into the pastor's office and the pastor said well, you have a job, Praise God, Amen. You have a job, Praise God, Amen. You have a job, Praise God. All right, You're good. And that's how they were sent off.
Speaker 2:I had a lady come to me not too long ago in our church and said her premarital counseling the guy they were having some issues getting into marriage. And then when they got married, sat down with their pastor, said listen, don't worry, 90% of all your problems can be answered in the bedroom. And I was sitting there thinking I said that is the worst advice anybody can give. Matter of fact, I tell people this all the time if you don't have true intimacy, that marriage bedroom is going to get old really, really fast. You ain't going to want to be intimate and have sex with somebody you don't even want to be around.
Speaker 2:That's right and in the beginning you might be able to push beyond it, but over a period of time. If you don't even want to be around, that's right. And in the beginning you might be able to push beyond it, but over a period of time. If you don't develop the intimacy, intimacy if you don't develop and work through those things, I have found out what makes the marriage bedroom so much sweeter. It's the ups and downs of the relationship, and what I mean by that.
Speaker 2:You have those times where you hit those down moments. You're not getting along the way you should and you make a decision to go deeper and you're off with one another and God doesn't work in you and you come back and you restore the relationship and then there's this newfound love that you didn't have before. You just went through that trial. When you are in a relationship and you go through trials and you choose to stick it out, the love goes deeper. If you have two parties that are willing to work on it, that love goes deeper and deeper and that's what renews and rejuvenates your sex life. It's not different positions, it's not how freaky you can be and how much chocolate syrup you got or something crazy. I mean, you know, whatever it is.
Speaker 1:It's not any of that stuff.
Speaker 2:I can come up with all sorts of stuff that people try to come up with. Listen, I've been pastoring for 30 years. I have heard it all. I have seen it all. Nothing surprises me. People try all these new things. How do we spice up? Many times, if you need your sex life spiced up, a lot of times there's other relationship issues that you have. They never all have a spicy bedroom. I mean, put some hot sauce in there. I mean, do what you got to do to make it fun and exciting. But if you don't have that intimacy emotionally, you can forget about the physical stuff. It's not. It's going to get old pretty fast.
Speaker 1:No, that's so true. Well, you know, I remember when we first, um, you know, started dating and then, even in the first parts of our marriage, you know, there was this novelty and everything was just so new and it was exciting. We couldn't wait to get home from work and we'd stay up late, even on the phone.
Speaker 2:We were dating until three four o'clock in the morning and then go to work and then still be excited about talking again.
Speaker 1:You know what happens though. You know you're five, 10, 15 years in and the novelty actually wears off. And I know some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. The novelty wears off, complacency sets in. You know the routine of packing kids' lunches, getting them to school, church functions, you know meetings and things of that nature. What happens when the spark leaves. How do you, how do you revive that spark in that relationship where people it's not like you are cohabitating? You know what I mean. But you can really regain that spark back and I think a lot of people they want that, but they're so used to just doing life you know what I mean Outside of having that connection with their spouse.
Speaker 2:Well, I think the thing that you have to really look at is when it comes to these relationship and things going stale. You know, our pastor said something years ago that I think is really, really good. He said you have to learn to do out of discipline what you did out of courtship in your relationship. So the things that you did in the beginning of your relationship, you did that because of the novelty you know and you're both got your best foot forward, all those types of things.
Speaker 2:You know you're brand new, you're in love, all those things. And then life, like you said, life begins to hit and I think one of the things you have to do is you can't take each other for granted. That's something that's really, really important. Don't take the other person for granted. Number one, number two don't forget. This is huge. This is huge. Don't forget why you fell in love.
Speaker 1:Now you ready for this?
Speaker 2:So true this there is 90% of the person that you chose to marry that you will completely love, but there will be 10% that you will abhor. Stay out of their 10%. The devil will always try to get you to focus on the 10% and lose track of the 90, which made you say I do. And so a lot of times we haven't we forgot why we fell in love. And it's funny. Even Jesus talked about how, if you look in the book of revelation, he said if you don't do the first works, I'll remove the candlestick out of his place. Sometimes you've got to go back and do the first work.
Speaker 2:What causes? What does a fire need in order for it to continue to burn? Fuel? So you have to keep putting things in the fire. Marriages stay on fire because people are intentional.
Speaker 2:Another thing you have to do when I said said don't take people for granted. You've got to make time for one another. You've got to make time to date. You've got to make time to do the special thing. You've got to sometimes do things in your relationship that you don't feel like doing. You may not feel like wrapping her up and giving her a hug. Do it anyways. You may not feel like doing the dishes, do it anyways. You may not feel like making love to him, do it, and do it with joy. Don't just do it, but do it with joy in your heart. And if you don't have that joy in your heart, you've got to go, get into prayer and get filled up with some agape, so you have what's needed in order to do that. Now, many times now, this could get really deep If you're just talking about just naturally losing a spark or a lot of times we have suppressed things going on. Sometimes we have to work through some things. Sometimes the fire has gone out because of some things we need to work through. Something happened.
Speaker 1:Or something happened, something major happened.
Speaker 2:Of course you've got to find healing things like that. But if you're talking about just regular everyday life, that is a practical way of doing it without going real deep into major trauma in a marriage.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, you know what? I wrote down a couple of things as you were talking. I think it's so important to be intentional.
Speaker 2:Got to be intentional.
Speaker 1:You know so.
Speaker 2:Which is a discipline.
Speaker 1:It is a discipline, it's huge, I know with us. You know there's so many things going on, you know, and it's easy to fall in that trap of oh, we'll just do it next week.
Speaker 2:It's fine, I mean, I do sometimes.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. We'll just do it next week, it's okay. But what happens is, if you don't keep those things in place, the spark could actually go out. You know, because your focus is not on your spouse but it's on all those other things that really, at the end of the day, they're not I mean they're going to be there, those that work is going to be there. You know what I mean. It's just going to be there. So being intentional, I think, is really really important. And planning, planning with your spouse, planning with the person that you're in that relationship with. Finding out, too, I think, is really good. Finding out what they like, what do they like? Maybe set something, set something up. You know I know my husband, he likes golf. You know he likes certain movies. Um, he likes certain places to eat. So you know, for me that may be you know what I'm going to surprise him and I'm going to take him to you love um, sushi bomb.
Speaker 2:I don't know if anybody's been there before you know.
Speaker 1:You really have to love sushi, really, yes, but it's all you can eat, Fresh made to order, everything's fresh made to order. They do have like a hibachi area where you can, you know, and it's all you can eat hibachi as well, but anyway. So I would take him to someplace like that and try to regain and reignite that spark. It's amazing what something even as small as that can actually do for your marriage. That's right when you say you know, I'm just going to take a couple hours and I'm going to be intentional about it and watch what happens, watch how everything unfolds.
Speaker 2:Well, let me mention this as well. You know it's very important. There's some of you that may be watching or listening right now. When's the last time you did some of those first things for your spouse? And this is the thing.
Speaker 2:Let me say this you have to get out of the mindset I don't feel anything. There are times in life you don't feel like praying, but you still need to. There are times you don't feel like going to the workout room. I mean, if I don't feel like working out in the morning, you still got to go. There may be times you don't feel like eating right. There may be times you don't feel like budget. There's a lot of things you don't feel like doing, but they are necessary evils, if you will. When you don't feel like doing that, you have to still do anyways.
Speaker 2:So it's important that we learn, even in our relationships you have you did out of passion in your courtship. It is a choice, love is a decision and what will happen, your feelings will follow your heart and your will and your desires. So what I've been, if I just say you know I'm going to reach out. There's been many a time. I'll reach out to her and I'll, and maybe I don't feel a whole lot, but as I reach out to her, as we're holding each other, all of a sudden it's like wow, the love begins to spark back. So I want to encourage people that are listening to watch right now go do something even tonight for your spouse, for your boyfriend, your girlfriend. Now don't do nothing too crazy.
Speaker 2:I just make sure I got to put that asterisk down there and parenthetically insert something You're not married, don't go too far, but just do something nice for one another, love on each other, and it'll be. It'll be amazing of what that matter of fact some of you if you do it, your person might look.
Speaker 1:You're saying what are you doing that for? What's all that about?
Speaker 2:They'll think you went. What did you do wrong? Something like that. You're just turning over a new leaf, and if they give you that love, that means you haven't done some things in a while.
Speaker 1:Even if you're angry, don't go anywhere. I don't care. I mean there are some times this is funny now, but there are some times I would take the sheet and I mean I am all the way. Oh yeah, I mean on the edge about to fall off, but I'm in the bed though.
Speaker 2:You got me flopping around in that bed like a fish out of water.
Speaker 1:I was sitting there like where?
Speaker 2:are the blankets at and they have nothing. All ice cold and whatnot. I tell you this all the time. Whenever we speak in America, you can tell what's going on in America. If I was to watch you one night in your bedroom, I'd be able to tell how close you are.
Speaker 2:Just by the space that's between you, that space in that bedroom. It says so much. The marriage bedroom is the most sanctified holy place in a marriage. That which you see there on the outward shows me everything of what's going on in the inner parts of that heart, and so I tell people. That's why he said come to bed and I say this all the time You're only one roll away from a connection, so all you gotta do is roll over and put your arm around him and say I'm still here, I still love you. Everything might be perfect, but we're together in this and we're going to make it through.
Speaker 1:Well, you probably were a couple rolls away from me because I was far on the edge of the bed, so all right One leg on.
Speaker 2:the floor.
Speaker 1:So the second thing I want to mention was don't take the personality personal.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think that's so important. Everybody, I know, a lot of times, even with us, you know, looking back and going back on, you know, when we kind of hit, there were certain things that were just your personality, but because I took it I took it as an offense, though, because I couldn't understand certain times. Why couldn't you see it my way? Yeah, why couldn't you see it my way? Why couldn't you do it my way? But you have a personality all of your own and that's how maybe you did it. That's maybe how that was your perspective. You know, you can be in an argument and still agree to disagree, and what I mean by that, too, is you can say well, you know what, I really don't see it your way. I can't see it, but I understand, maybe how you could have gotten that, you know, or something like that where you begin to really bring the walls down.
Speaker 1:You know, sometimes too, saying I'm sorry does a lot. It does a lot. I'm sorry doesn't mean that you're guilty all the time. You know, I'm sorry really, like when you're really sorry. There's times when we'll say it to each other and I'm really sorry that we are where we are. I'm really sorry that he feels the way that he feels. I'm really sorry that maybe we couldn't get through it as quick as we should have or could have, you know. So I think that's really important. Don't take the personality personal.
Speaker 2:So important. But yeah, because you have to realize too, you're never going to be the same and there are and I think that's a huge thing. I have to reiterate what you said. You can, you, sometimes you have to agree to disagree. Sometimes I just look at my wife and she's like, well, I see this, I see that, okay, cool, I mean it's not a deal breaker. I mean it's not like we have to see eye to eye on every single thing. There's something she was like you know what? I really want chicken, I really want salmon, all right, my favorite. Well, what are we going to do? We'll come up with salmon. People, you got to invent something new. No, that she saw it as chicken, I saw it as salmon. It's over with.
Speaker 2:There's no sense splitting hairs and fighting. A lot of people get over and fight over petty stuff. Just let it go. If she sees something a certain way, she says, well, I thought it was this, well, I thought it was that. Or you don't remember me telling you. How do you remember? Remember, I did it. No, I don't remember and you're right the thing about the personality. We got that earlier on in our marriage and you have to realize we're completely different people and the way we do things, the way we operate, it's completely different. If you don't learn to manage that and learn what things to go after and just let bygones be bygones, you're going to be fighting all the time. Because you will be fighting all the time, because they're never going to be you. She's the salt to my pepper, you know. She's the peanut butter to my jelly, you know. By themselves it's all right, a jelly sandwich is all right, peanut butter sandwich, but man, peanut butter jelly together.
Speaker 2:It's great, that's right, you know so that's what you have to realize God gave you that different perspective for a reason, Well, and I think too it's important.
Speaker 1:You mentioned about letting it go. It's important to really let it go.
Speaker 1:Yeah, not to have your nose turned up or there's still something in your you know spirit like oh, I really all right, I'm going to move on, but you're not. You didn't really move on. You know what I mean. It's so important just to let it go. Let it go move on and make a decision in your relationship to love, to love on each other. It's amazing what happens when you love on each other. I know we've done that. We made a decision to love on each other. It's amazing how things just melt, they just melt and then really, when you look back and you realize, oh my goodness, I was fighting over what? There's, a lot of times you don't even remember what you're fighting over.
Speaker 2:You know.
Speaker 1:And then what happens when you make a decision to love, what's really left is that issue.
Speaker 2:We found out too many times. When there's a deficit of love, sometimes that's your issue.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so when?
Speaker 2:you fill up each other's love bank, again, something happens. So you've got to know what things say I love you, and most of the time, are you all ready for this, the things that you enjoy. That's not what the other person's love bank is going to be filled up with. So you've got to do for them and find out what do they like, what do they enjoy, what says like I know with her, like I am a person, I can live on an island. I can live on an island. I don't have to have a lot of people around all the time.
Speaker 2:It's not that I don't enjoy people, but for her, her number one thing one of her number one things is quality time Me just spending time with her. If it's laying in the bed, if it's watching a movie, going for a walk, sitting out on the front porch, she likes that time together. Me, you do that for me. I'm going to say, well, that's wonderful, I'm glad you're here, but there's other things I prefer. You know what I mean, and so what is amazing, though, is that that doesn't come natural for me. That's not my natural inclination. So be careful, you're not giving your spouse what you'd enjoy. Make sure you know them well enough, and you're giving to them what they say, and if you don't know, you've got to ask them. So then you can make your adjustment and be what they need.
Speaker 1:And I love what Savannah put. She said yes, I've learned to turn the conversation on me. I'm sorry. I felt and I think that's such a good point where it's like you know, stop accusing, yeah, Because we don't know their motives.
Speaker 2:We don't know, maybe, what they were thinking.
Speaker 1:We don't know what they're feeling at that certain time, but we know how it made us feel and I think, if we focus in on look, this is how I'm feeling, you know you made me feel. You know, when you said this, this is how I felt when you did this. This is what I was feeling inside. This is how it came off to me, Versus, you know what, when you did this, I know you meant to make me feel this way. I know you meant to do this. Listen, you're just nothing but a you know whatever.
Speaker 1:But when you turn it around and you it, really what happens is it disarms, or it should disarm the other person to where the accusation isn't there, and then that person can then be all that. They need to be to you in that moment. And sometimes that takes some working out and working through a number of times for you to really get it, especially if it is a new tool. If it's a new tool, hey, you try it. You keep going again. When you do it again, you try it, you get into it, you do it again and you keep going and really, until you perfect. And really it's a craft, that's right. Until you perfect that craft.
Speaker 2:When you do say that. Those I feel statements are huge, if you can get away from finger pointing, even when you know they've done you wrong, if you can try to steer clear of that and say you know when this happened, you know, this is how I felt about that, you know. And then what happens? Then you make yourself human and now you've opened up your heart to be vulnerable to that person. And then what happens? They have to now say what am I going to do with this person's vulnerable heart? That doesn't mean everybody knows how to handle it well, but that is that is setting you up, yeah, for the best line of being able to find reconciliation, because otherwise, if you immediately just come into person, well, you did this and I'm tired of you doing this. And you know, every time you do this and I've asked you a million times, not to them, the person a lot of times if they're not mature enough, they'll get defensive, they will get and then they're saying what are you talking about?
Speaker 1:I do this all the time.
Speaker 2:I only did this like three times in my life. Now you're arguing about how many times. And just be open, be vulnerable. A lot of times we're afraid to be vulnerable, we're afraid to open up, we're afraid to be emotionally vulnerable and to be naked and transparent. But that's the way you can tell if somebody loves you or not.
Speaker 1:That's right, and I think whenever you're in a situation that there's some turmoil there, know that the Lord will fight for you. That's one of my favorite scriptures. He will fight for you A lot of times. You know, I told one person in particular not too long ago that it's very important to do less talking about and defending yourself and let God do the talking, let God do the moving, let him do the shifting in your life. You know, a lot of times we want to just get in there and we want to make the person see, we want to make them, especially if there is some type of betrayal or really deep hurt that they've caused. A lot of times we want to make them feel it. We want to make them understand and feel every emotion that we felt. But that probably won't happen and so it's so important to give it to God. Which kind of transitions into this next question you know I've been talking to, talking to um.
Speaker 1:There's some women that I have had the opportunity to minister to Um and really they were feeling their thing was. They're feeling emotionally unsafe. It's not um a physical thing, but it's emotionally unsafe. They feel um, they're just tired emotionally. They've been battered emotionally, they've been in the fire emotionally. You know what do you say to that woman? That's just they are tired and they feel they're at a point now where they feel emotionally unsafe.
Speaker 2:When you say emotionally unsafe, what do you do? What do you mean by that?
Speaker 1:So emotionally unsafe that spouse is degrading them, that spouse is intimidating them through their words and even actions at times. Maybe that spouse is just in terms of how they talk to them. There's no respect.
Speaker 2:Well, we're talking about abuse. Yeah, that's the reason why I mentioned that. Most of the times when I answer these questions, like the previous one how do you keep the spice in your marriage, or things like that I'm talking from a standpoint that there's been no trauma. So when I answer these, I want you to realize I'm answering the point that there's no trauma, right when.
Speaker 1:I answer these. I want you to answer the point that there's no trauma.
Speaker 2:Now if you said, well, man, this person had an affair or something like that, well, that's a whole other type of story of how you're going to work through that. But in regards to this, if somebody is being intimidating, and what do I do with that? Well, you have to put distance between you. God doesn't call you to be abused. There's a difference between just having regular hardships and difficulties and ups and downs in a relationship. We're not seeing eye to eye, but when there's abuse, there's intimidation, being called names and the person won't stop. They've got other issues. Now this is the thing.
Speaker 2:When I was an alcohol and drug counselor, when people would come in they would be battling with drugs and alcohol. They would say I want to work on my relationship with my girlfriend. I said you can't. And they said what do you mean? I can't? I said because the problems that are in your relationship are as a result of the alcohol or drug addiction that you have. So we first have to deal with that in order to be able to work on the relationship, because a lot of those things might dissolve once you get rid of your addiction. Why do I say that? Because a person that's emotionally being abused, that other person has issues that have nothing to do with the relationship. These are not relationship issues. They have brought this abuse into the relationship and now what's happening? They're taking it out on you and they're unhealthy. So what they need to do?
Speaker 2:Sometimes you have to take a step back. Sometimes you have to distance yourself. If they can't be safe. If you're trying to get their attention, if you've tried to talk to them and they will not change and they keep trying to hurt you, there is a time to back away from that relationship. It doesn't mean you have to get a divorce, but you got to let them know.
Speaker 2:Until you can be safe, I can't put myself around you in that situation. So that person needs to go get help. They're probably going to need some counseling. There's a lot of things that are going on that when you people use intimidation, deep down inside, the reason why they're intimidating is because they're motivated by fear and they're broken inside. So they're using fear to get that sense of power and control back in their life, and so they're using intimidation to get you to, to show that you'll stay with them and love them, and so there's some deep rooted issues in those things there. So when you're dealing with those types of things if you can't get through to them and they will not make the adjustment. My only advice to somebody saying it may be time to say I need to do a separation procedure I have to put my because, otherwise you're going to end up getting hurt and God didn't call you to be that way.
Speaker 1:So we're talking about abuse here. That's what we're talking about Abuse.
Speaker 2:There may need to be some space that puts between you. Now, in regards to just regular, someone says I don't feel emotionally safe to open up two things. Number one um, has that person, the other party, created a space for them? Has that?
Speaker 1:uh, has that been defined?
Speaker 2:So what is safe for her may not be safe for me, and what I mean by that? What it looks like to. I'm going to be vulnerable with you and I'm going to open up and share my heart with you. I need to. It looks a certain way, so I got to be what that other person needs.
Speaker 2:So if she comes to me and says, jay, I don't feel like I can open up to you, I don't feel like I'm emotionally safe when I open up to you, even if I'm giving her no reason, I still, at that point, I say, okay. Well, what do I need to do in order to make you feel safe, to create an environment to where you feel that you can open up your heart. Think about that. The heart is one you, the most inner, most part of who they are. Everybody has to create a space.
Speaker 2:So it's important that the party that's listening find out from the party that's sharing what does that safe place look like? And then it's very, very important that that person be willing to do that. And then that person that is sharing has to be willing to open up and give that person the opportunity If they get it wrong, as long as they're open and say, okay, hey, I'm sorry, I want to make that adjustment, let them make the adjustment. And then you have to try to resume that, because when those inner parts get opened up, you can get a little messy, oh, and you're so vulnerable during that time.
Speaker 1:And I think that's why it's so important for that other, that listening partner on that other side, to really, really make sure that they don't get offended by what the other person is saying. Because we probably all have seen it where you know you start to open up to somebody and then, when you open up to them, then what happens is maybe something that you said trigger something in them, and then they get offended and then, before you know it, offenses are flying everywhere because now they're offended, and then you're offended because they're offended and you try to open up and then it just it'll. It gets really nasty, real quick and then at the end nobody has heard anybody's heart. You know what I mean. So the mission at that point has failed.
Speaker 1:So I think it's really important to make sure even go before the Lord and if you know, okay, I have to be that listening partner, or whether it's a listening partner or the partner that has been hurt and you're sharing, there is a way that you share, but there's also a way that you listen, and so if you are listening, you know, ask the Lord for just the right heart. God, give me the right heart, the right perspective, the right mind, god, to hear this person's heart. Let me not make it about me, but let me make it about them. Let me really hear what they are trying to say, what they are trying to communicate and listen. It is so important. I know one of the tools, so this is another tool, one of the tools that it's really helped us navigate through those communication. Just roadblocks sometimes, yeah, is taking it one issue at a time. I think oftentimes we'll go in there and then we pour out.
Speaker 2:Got our AK-47 just blowing people away with all of our stuff, man, and that person's getting hit with all sorts of shrapnel and everything else.
Speaker 1:But you know what, though, while you're spraying them, the other person, a lot of times they're not even listening, they're throwing hand grenades.
Speaker 1:They're actually thinking about what they're going to say in retaliation. So there's not. There's still a disconnect there. So, even though you're talking, there is still very much a disconnect there. So, you know, while the other person is sharing and again there's a way to share you need to make sure that you really listen intently and you're listening to the heart. Not even, yes, the words are important, but you're really listening to the heart and you're saying, lord, how can I be there for them? How can I even, how can I be a better listener, how can I really really serve them during this time? And I'm telling you, if you take that posture, watch what happens in your relationship.
Speaker 2:You don't even have to pray. Let's go a step further, something that we implement in our relationship, ladies and gentlemen, this't even have to pray. Let's go a step further. It's something that we implement in our relationship. Ladies and gentlemen, this, right here, will help you. What she just shared, and then add this to it, you don't even ask the Lord when they share. The first thing you should do, y'all ready, here you go. This is the game changer, right here. Repeat back to them what you thought you heard and then let them tell you if you got it or not. So if she goes and she does a five minute, 10 minute diatribe, soliloquy on all the stuff that she feels I'm a terrible husband and a terrible dad, and I'm just saying getting all these things, and so I go back to her and I say I heard you say I'm a terrible husband, terrible father. No, that's not what I said. Okay, what are you saying? And then you get you're not, you're not responding back, saying yeah, we're giving your defense or you didn't mean it. No, no, no, no.
Speaker 2:The first thing in reconciliation is be able to understand. So if someone's going to feel emotionally saved, they want to know they're understood, even if you don't agree, just say is this what I'm hearing? I was in a conversation with a guy in our church today and I was talking with him and he had some different things going on going on. He spent probably five, 10 minutes or so just talking about all the things going on Before I started to give any input. The first thing I said is I said is this what I'm hearing? I'm hearing you say this, and if I don't understand, I say listen, I heard this, but can you give me more input on that? Tell me a little bit more about that until I really really understand. And because what will happen if I don't hear her correctly? And then I'm responding back to her? Now she's not going to be heard, she's not going to feel like she's respected and loved, and then I'm going to be trying to speak to something that ain't even really the problem.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or maybe I didn't need it.
Speaker 2:She may just need me to understand. So whenever you sit down and somebody says, hey, I want to talk, let them finish everything, don't interrupt. If you do interrupt, give it back to them, say I'm sorry, keep your mouth shut, open your ears. And then, when you're done, say okay, thank you for sharing that, is this what I've heard? And share back with them. And then let that person tell you if it's what, if you heard correctly or not, and if you haven't be humble, let them share with you again. And then, until you get it, and then, once the person feels they're understood, you can then develop okay, what can I do differently? Because many times we want to adjust, we get defensive, we do all these things, which lets me know you are not hearing them at all. You're more worried about being right or being justified or explaining the situation away, versus just understanding what they experienced and what they felt and why they are where they are.
Speaker 1:You know it reminds me of a. You know, when you get into an argument, everybody has these walls up. A lot of times, Maybe you have the wall up and then what happens is when you come in with that heart of love and you say, all right, I'm here, I'm a safe place for you, Then what happens is it goes down a little bit.
Speaker 1:And then they share. And then what happens? When you said, when you do what you just said and you repeat it back, then what happens is everybody is a wall comes down a little bit more. And then really what's happening is that person now is saying, without even saying it, they're saying I feel safe with you.
Speaker 1:That is what's being communicated. And then, eventually, what'll happen as you continue to um, you know, practice this and you apply this to your communication. Uh, just conflict resolution, really, when you apply it to that, then it'll get easier and easier and easier. But I think initially, I know, for me personally, when we first started doing that, I said, okay, all right, he really is listening, okay. And then when you would ask me, hey, can you, you know, is this what you're saying, is this? And then what that tells me is that you really want to hear what I'm saying. That's what it's telling the other person. You really want to hear what they're saying, you really care about them. And it's amazing what happens when people really know that you care about them.
Speaker 2:And it's the thing, too, that many times we are not getting the true crux of what they're saying. We say I understand, I understand, but you really don't understand. And how important is it for you to really take the time to just listen to them, understand them and then be able to respond back in return. And I'm telling you it just, it changes everything when you do that. And so, listen, this works in any relationship. I would use it with somebody in my church. They were sharing me a bunch of things that was going on. I said well and funny thing about it. Let me say this as well this is important Most people have not been in a relationship where they know how to communicate.
Speaker 2:So a lot of times, what they're saying is not really the issue. So they may be saying one thing. You're sitting and listening and saying, man, I'm not really hearing what I thought. All right, that's what I'm hearing. You're not really catching it at the time. Many times, ladies and gentlemen, people have not had healthy relationships. They didn't have it where you sit down and talk through issues without yelling or screaming or somebody downgrading what you're saying, or or even some people. They just completely ignore them and shut them out and won't listen to them, or their opinions aren't important and they've been taught like that. Nothing that's important to them is important to their parents or whatever it is. So now you come into a marriage and you only know how to communicate from behind the wall. That's it. Communicating from behind the wall kind of looks like this. You could say something like you know what you love that car more than you love me. You love this more than you. They're not saying that. They're just saying maybe they want more time with you. That's what they're really saying.
Speaker 1:When I tell you that you spend more time with a dog than you spend with me.
Speaker 2:That's a little running joke Because I got my little daughter, now my little dog. I have to bring you all some pictures and so a lot of times she'll say man, you talk Because I was going through it. I'll say you a puppy, you know how you do that stuff with your dog. She's a little puppy, so I mean.
Speaker 1:I talk to her no-transcript.
Speaker 2:So what happened now? The first thing, they threw that bomb at you. You have to be mature enough to say is that what you're saying, even if they come and you say you're the worst husband in the world and you don't care about me.
Speaker 2:So what I'm hearing you say is that I don't care about you at all? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Okay, well, tell me more about that. Why are you seeing that? Do you have the courage and the love to let them be vulnerable enough and take the shrapnel and not take it personal? I remember years ago our pastor said to us something real profound and this was early in our relationship, and she would say different things and I'd be like but she said this. And he said well, just because she throws a dart, don't mean you have to collect it. And I said man, what wisdom is that?
Speaker 2:And I just wasn't mature enough to handle it at the time. And so there are times you have to be honest with each other and you may not like what that person is saying, but you have to be mature enough to say, okay, if you feel I'm a, you have to know if you're not the worst husband in the world. You got to know that.
Speaker 1:So even if they're saying that, okay, well, that's what I'm here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you got to know who you are, so then you can dodge those and get to the person, because then you throw your walls up and now you both are talking about place of irrational and it's just not going to get anywhere. So it's important.
Speaker 1:And it is important, and I think that, um, like you know in your heart what you feel and how you feel about the other person, even if they say something that is contradictory to that. But you can't lose by saying I'm sorry, that's not how I, I wanted you to feel, I'm sorry that you feel that way. What can I do to make that right for you? What can I say something different? Can I do something different? You know, um, I think that's so important. You can't lose by that.
Speaker 2:We heard another analogy one time there was a pastor that said uh, his wife would say to him all the time uh, you know they'd be in the car, you're driving like a madman. You're driving like a madman. He's like I'm not driving like a madman, I'm driving to speed. Let me do this. What are you talking about? They would fight over this. I'm not driving like a madman. Then one day she said to him the way you're driving scares me. Big difference, big difference big difference.
Speaker 2:And he said well, I don't want you to feel that way. What do you need me to do? He completely shifted.
Speaker 2:So, it's so important that we learn we can't communicate from behind the wall. We've got to open up and when somebody's saying something to you, you got to know yourself well enough that, even if they're spewing all sorts of venom at you and shrapnel, you got to learn to be okay with it. You got to learn to say that just comes with the relationship. I'm not going to internalize that. I'm not going to take that personal. I'm not and I'm not talking about calling names and, once again, whenever I talk from these standpoints, I'm talking about general, just statements that people make. I'm not talking about intimidating, threatening things like that, but just people talking from a place of emotion where they haven't learned how to bring their emotion into a rational place and deliver it with the right type of temperament that they should. So it's important that whenever I'm talking about these things, I'm talking about these type of things here, and when you learn how to do that, man, everything will change.
Speaker 1:Absolutely Everything changes. That is so true. Well, you know, when we hit those moments and we're not communicating well or there's an offense of some sort, I find that there is, the spirit of unforgiveness will begin to settle in where you know you come up with or you feel, maybe you feel they're not trying to hear me, they don't love me.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to forgive them because they did this and they knew they shouldn't have done this and they knew better, they knew what they were doing. What are the first steps to unforgiveness? Because I think unforgiveness when somebody stays in unforgiveness that can literally just destroy a relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's two things. First thing I'm going to mention is this you have to know, I think first thing I'm going to mention is this you have to know, I think every person I'm going to take the long way around to get to this. I know we're almost out of time, but the first thing you have to do before you get married. I tell everybody everybody's got to do it. You need to have a season where you've been single. Now, if you're already married, you can't do that.
Speaker 2:But the danger part of not being single and being content is that you will have luggage in your life I call it junk in your trunk that you will blame your spouse for so a lot of times. The first thing I tell people if you have issues with forgiving, is it just the relationship or is this something from your past? If this is junk in your trunk that you're battling with, you need to go get help and get the healing you need, so then you can learn to let go of the things you need to let go of. That's the first thing. Now, if the person is healthy in a relationship and they're both healthy in a relationship and there's just issue with forgiveness, one of the first things that I do. I realized this I always put myself in their shoes.
Speaker 1:What do I mean by that?
Speaker 2:Blessed are the merciful, the Bible says one of the Beatitudes, these are the attitudes of the kingdom. So he's saying blessed are the merciful, they will receive mercy. So whenever my wife, she does me wrong, somebody does me wrong, the first thing I'm thinking is okay, I want to have my mercy tank filled up so when I need it, God, I can get it from you, because I've bestowed it to others. The second thing I do is I remember how many times God has forgiven me, how many times I've forgotten to drop the ball, how many times I've done wrong.
Speaker 2:People that have unforgiveness have self-righteousness somewhere in their life. They have forgotten somewhere that they're just as sinful as the person that needs forgiveness. And that's what the scripture talks about in Matthew, chapter 18, about the man that owed God like a million dollars and God forgave him everything. He says go ahead and go about your business. And then the other guy owed him like a hundred dollars and the Bible says he grabbed him by the throat and choked him and said pay me what you owe me. So the Bible says that God came back and said listen, throw him into the prison and let him work off every single solitary sin. Let him stay in there until it's done. He had forgotten how much God had forgiven him. So I believe that's where I would start with that. Now, the other thing, though, that's important Forgiveness is not reconciliation.
Speaker 1:So that is important.
Speaker 2:You have to forgive if they never say they're sorry. You have to forgive if they. God forgives us. Even if God forgives somebody if they go to hell, they're forgiven. They just never received it.
Speaker 1:That's the reality.
Speaker 2:So that's where a lot of people say oh yeah, god died for everybody. Oh, he died for everybody. You still got to do your part in order to be reconciled back to God. He's forgiven you. I'm forgiven every person that's done the most heinous sin in the world, but that reconciliation requires two parties. So don't get it twisted. Don't think that forgiveness means you got to bring them back in your world. When you forgive somebody, that means you're giving them the opportunity you are keeping an open heart to reconcile. That is what forgiveness is. I'm open to the possibility of some type of reconciliation when it can be done. Now, there's sometimes. You just can't reconcile certain things. There's nothing you can do. But the reality is, though, on most things, when we're talking about outside of major traumas, we have to be willing to look at ourselves, look at how God forgave us, extend mercy and remember ourselves as well. Even God says he remembers our frame. He knows we are dust. We have to understand we're dealing with fallen people and they all need mercy and grace, and that's the first step.
Speaker 1:Wow, wow, that is so good. I love how you said that, because that's true. We are dealing with fallen people. There is nobody perfect on this and we are fallen Absolutely, and I loved how you. I know there was somebody that was telling me a story of somebody who is in jail now for an act that they did against one of their family members. Now they probably won't reconcile, but we are told to forgive.
Speaker 2:And so that's so important. We'll think about that. And let me give you an example. Maybe you were raped, maybe somebody molested your child, you know, or something, some heinous crime like that. You're not going to have that person in your living room. I mean, you can forgive them, but I'm sorry, I can't. And people say, well, yeah, net, total forgiveness. No, I can't subject my child ever again to something like that. I can't trust you with that and plus, it would do too much damage, possibly to the child.
Speaker 1:Well, that's wisdom.
Speaker 2:Well, exactly, but a lot of people think, though, they've been taught forgiveness means you got to bring them right back into your world, and if you haven't and you have any type of if you don't, if you have any type of common sense then that means you haven't forgiven them. Well, there's certain things you don't get back. There's some things, once you break them, you can be forgiven, but you can never get it back.
Speaker 1:There's just some things you just don't come back.
Speaker 2:Well, I think that's the difference between maybe something light okay, a light offense versus something more egregious, right, right, you know.
Speaker 1:so you would handle those two things differently, of course. But you know, as we're wrapping up here, I would love to know, um, you know, if we can kind of end on a little bit of a, a higher note here, fun notes, um, what, what did you love, like, what's one of the? And if you have a couple or two, three, you could share.
Speaker 2:but we're talking about you.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's why I gave you more options. That's why I said if more you know, if he talks about me, you can. You can add some more in there, but um, what's some of the favorite things about being married?
Speaker 2:Oh man. Well, listen, I'm going to be real one day. Listen, if you want to see me be real, come to my church on Sunday morning. Come to our church on Sunday morning, I will be real. I think Savannah just dropped a question.
Speaker 1:What we might be able to get to it later. Yeah, but uh.
Speaker 2:I was talking about how I, we, we saved ourselves from one another until we got married, and when I mean by that we didn't have sex until we our wedding? That was our wedding night. So my thing is this is that one of the things that I love about being married? The fact there was a woman in my bed and so a lot of people laugh at that, because I would be at work and I'd be like there's a woman in my bed.
Speaker 1:I had never lived with a woman and you've never told me that, though, like you never came back, you could tell by the smile on my face.
Speaker 2:I was grinning from ear to ear. I stopped working out. I didn't want to go nowhere because it was such a new experience, so I love the fact of just having the relationship. I love being married. I love the fact of us doing a life together. That this isn't for everybody, but this is why I love being married. We get a chance to do ministry together. A lot of people can never experience that, and not only do I get a chance to do ministry, there's nobody I have to do ministry with. You're such a great tag team partner with me, and so I love that. I love the relationship. I love the fun that we have. I love the ups and the downs and the ways that I've had to grow in order to become better for you.
Speaker 2:There's so many different things that I can mention. I love the fact that I'm a prayer partner with you. I love the fact that you know you're right or die. I love all of that in the relationship. I love every part of it that we get a chance to share life together. We have children together. We have the same dreams that we're running after. We support one another. I mean there's so many things I know I can trust her and that, no matter what battle comes my way, I know she's got my back. All of those things, and that's why I say this all the time.
Speaker 2:I waited 12 years. I dated one girl for like 30 days and like 11, 12 years and I waited for the right one and I'm so glad I did, because I couldn't be doing what I'm doing right now, couldn't be doing it and and God, I mean God, I mean I can get on television with you. We can preach together. We travel and preach together. They call us now to preach together at churches. I mean it's just. It's just amazing. We did the pregnancy center together. We, we, um hosted um, uh, the, our, um, mc, the March for Life in Harrisburg. I mean there's so many things that I love about every facet of it. I mean, I love that. I love every single part of it. I love the bedroom part of it. I love outside the bedroom. I love date nights with her. I love every single part of being married and it's been a lot of fun. So I've enjoyed it.
Speaker 1:Well, I appreciate that and you know, I think okay, one of the reasons why I asked this question was because this is what you need to do. You need to go back to that, if you're having some trouble in your marriage.
Speaker 1:If you're at that point right now and you're kind of hitting a hard spot in your marriage, go back and just tell each other, if you can. There's sometimes where you're able to be in a good spot, where you can sit across from each other and say, hey, I love when you do this, I love that I have a man of God, I love that I have a spiritual, a true spiritual leader of our home. I love somebody that I can do life with. I love the fact that he's a great dad. I love the fact that he makes me laugh. I love the fact that I can stay up at night with him and ask him all these different types of questions about the Bible, and we just stay up and we have fun, and it goes on and on. But you know, it's so important to remember those things, you know, I just feel like a lot of times that's what happens, babe, is that people don't remember the good stuff.
Speaker 2:And let me say this to what you're saying. If you're reaching out and doing that, ladies and gentlemen, if that person's reaching out, trying to love on you, let them don't be stubborn. You know how hard it is to reach out when you're not happy with somebody. That might be the one opportunity that you have to reconcile, and then you shut them down. They may not have the grace to deal with your stubborn self.
Speaker 1:Right, right.
Speaker 2:So if they're, reaching out and they're trying to say you know what? I just so appreciate you and I love you. And then why do you love me? Why?
Speaker 1:do you do this?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like no, I. So thank you. I just need a minute. I will come back and we can resume and share with each other why we love each other. But don't shut them down. Be good to one another, be loving. The Bible says it's the goodness of God that leads us to repentance. So it's important that if that person's doing those things, that we're open to one another and being willing to share our heart, back and say, you know, thank you for doing that, like we've done that for each other Every time. Maybe she's not happy with me and I'll go up to her and I'll try to, you know, put my arm around her. And I don't talk about doing things sexual, you know. I mean you can't always go there. There are times that that might happen, but most of the time you've got to be willing to, especially men to women. Now you can do it to a woman. You might be able to do it to a guy. I mean, he may let you get away with it.
Speaker 1:That may work, may not it just depends on how he's wired.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's right, but ultimately you want to do something that just says I want you, I want to be together with you. Now that may lead to't be stubborn. I wish somebody would type that in the chat Don't be stubborn, man. Just open up your heart and let it in and then give back to the other person, you know. Talk about forgiveness One of the biggest ways the second part of forgiving you got to give it. Forgive it needs to give before. That means I'm giving to you before you've paid me back. That's what forgive forgiving before that person does everything right. And that's why a lot of people withhold, because I haven't forgave. So forgive means you don't earn it, you don't deserve it, you didn't pay for it, but I'm forgiving you, so I'm going to give. And that's one of the telltale signs that you have forgiven, that you're willing to, that you've forgiven someone, that you're willing to give to them.
Speaker 1:Amen, that's so good. Well, you know, I just want to speak to those people out there that you know you're, you feel like you are done with your marriage, you want to throw in the towel. You know, and I just really sense even the presence of God here and just the need to share with you that, hey, don't throw in the towel, that's right.
Speaker 1:Don't give up quite yet. Trust the Lord, just give it to him. There are some of you. You've been trying to fight with your own might and your own strength and you've been doing things in your own way and I just believe right now the Lord is just saying, hey, give it to me, watch what I do, watch what he does in your marriage as you just surrender everything to him. Yeah, you know, your spouse may not understand the hurt that they caused you. They might not understand everything that you're going through. They may not, and that's true, right, everything that you're going through. They may not, and that's true, right. But I always think about whenever I hit moments like this. I always think, well, yeah, they may not and they may not.
Speaker 1:God does. He knows what you're going through, he knows the hurt that you've been through. He knows some of the confusion and some of the setbacks that have been taking place and the fact that maybe you're thinking, even right now, I don't deserve this. But God is in control and you know, when you give it to him and you say, god, you know what, I'm going to step back and I'm going to give it all to you. Watch what he does, even the peace and it's amazing how. That's why one of my favorite scriptures is that he'll give you a peace that passes all understanding, that'll guard your heart and your mind and when you give it to him and you're connected to the vine and you realize that the name of Jesus is a strong tower and when you run to him you're going to find safety. That is your safe place. So I just want to encourage all of you today that are maybe struggling or going through you know, you we talked about that roller coaster you know sometimes you know you're up, but then if you're in that valley, you're in that low place. I just want to encourage you today run to God, find that safe place with him, be that, that, that Mary, right now in your life.
Speaker 1:Um, and even if you're the the uh guy, you can still have that Mary type of spirit is what I'm saying and just sit at God's feet and just soak up everything that you need to soak up from him. You know, do that great exchange where every, all that weakness, all that stuff, allow him to make that exchange for strength, kingdom, supernatural strength in your life. And I'm telling you watch what happens, even if everything isn't perfectly the way that you think it should be in your spouse. Watch what he does in your spirit, though. Watch what he does in the atmosphere, even in your home, how everything. It's amazing, how everything can be crazy in your life, but you can still obtain and live in a peace that passes all understanding, even a peace that people will look at your it's crazy. A peace that other people on the outside will look at your situation and they will even say how in the world do you have joy? How in the world are you able to have peace in that? How are you able to go to sleep at night and get good not just sleep, but get good rest as well, because it's the Lord. So I just want to encourage you.
Speaker 1:Take that towel that you've been swinging around and you thought you were going to launch it out and say I'm done, bring it back in, reel it back in and know that God is on your side, that you are on the winning team, and that take time, even this evening, whether it be today, night, morning, whatever it is that you're watching say God, I give it to you, it's in your hands and I'm going to make sure that I run to you and I'm just going to submerge myself in your presence. It's amazing what happens when you really submerge yourself in the presence of God. There are times when I just I would not even relational, but things that have happened in my life where I needed just to submerge myself in the presence of God. I would just get away and just submerge and get new, fresh oil. You know, sometimes we're just empty.
Speaker 2:That's right.
Speaker 1:Sometimes we're just, you know, it's just, we need some fresh. We're stale, we need some fresh oil in our lives.
Speaker 2:And that'll make all the difference, ladies and gentlemen. So on that note, you know, I want to say it's been a pleasure coming on with you well, thank you, dr Love you know how we do y'all, it's been real. I hope y'all have enjoyed this and I hope that you take those closing thoughts that Pastor Tip just mentioned and go get filled up, go be good to those in your relation, in your marriage, in your relationship, your dating your family, whomever yeah.
Speaker 2:Be good to those people and show them the love of God. And I tell you what. We have one, and I'll close with this we have a thing in our relationship If we were to start fighting today, today would be day one. Then we'd have day two, which would be tomorrow. On day three, which would be Saturday, we have what's called, we do it as our three day rule and we have to love on each other for 24 hours, and I want to encourage you to implement that into your relationship. Go be good. If you don't have it, go to the Lord, get filled up, like pastor Tiff mentioned, and go back and give them that agape, and that will make all of the difference in your relationship, because love covers a multitude of sin. And so that's what we have found out and this weekend. Have a wonderful for tomorrow.
Speaker 2:If you have not downloaded our podcast, go get it. Dimensions on every single platform you can imagine. Take a minute and once again to like, subscribe, follow and share. Let somebody know that you've enjoyed this. Leave your comments and questions. Savannah, we got yours. We'll make sure we tackle that later on or on Sunday, and then on Sunday morning, if you don't got a church and you're looking to get more out of relationship stuff, come visit us 605 Thompson Front Road another level ministries or you can check us out online. We're going to be doing a little bit more of this and we're going to be tackling even other questions that we've had as well.
Speaker 1:I believe we're going to have a great fourth Me too.
Speaker 2:Because you've been out there smoking.
Speaker 2:Dr Love is not only a love doctor man. I can also cook on that grill and that smoker. I got right now a brisket that is resting that I cooked for over 12 hours. I got four racks of ribs that I'm getting ready to do with three different sauces, and then I also have two things of pulled pork and some kielbasa that I'm doing as well my homemade mac salad, mac baked beans. Y'all ain't hear what I'm saying. Dr Love, he cooks in the marriage and he cooks on the grill. Come on, somebody, all right.
Speaker 1:Oh man, our kids are ready. They've been waiting, yep.
Speaker 2:I'm ready too, and so you guys have a wonderful fourth. Have a great day tomorrow. Enjoy it, stay safe, enjoy one another. Hey, if you're disagreeing with your spouse right now, go make it up. Don't lose this for it. That's right, don't lose that Devil always steals opportune time. Don't miss this. Go make some fireworks and Dr Love will be back here next week along with Mrs Love, and we're going to be back to do more with you next Thursday night at 8 pm. God bless you. We love you, thank you.
