Victory Over Flying Monkeys and Narcissistic Abuse

Ever found yourself ensnared in the web of a narcissist, manipulated by the unseen hands of what we call 'Flying Monkeys'? We've been there, and this episode is a raw, honest dive into the perilous journey of surviving narcissistic abuse and dealing with these Flying Monkeys. With the personal story of divorce from a narcissist, we shed light on the tactics employed by narcissists and their minions to control and manipulate those around them. 

As we move on from the harsh realities of life with a narcissist, we gear up to rebuild life post-abuse. A brave listener shares her inspiring account of standing strong against the narcissist's control, and we explore the importance of breaking away from toxic relationships and the Flying Monkeys. We delve into the heartache of leaving behind relationships lost to narcissism, and the steps towards building healthier relationships. 

Finally, we discuss the power of vulnerability and community. Drawing from personal experiences, we focus on creating authentic relationships and the strength of the community that unfolds from these connections. This episode wraps up on a hopeful note, urging survivors to invest time in themselves and to look forward to the fulfilling life that awaits beyond the narcissistic abuse. Join us in this empowering journey, as we navigate the stormy seas of narcissistic abuse, towards a haven of understanding, hope, and liberation.

Thank you for listening!

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:43

You are listening to the Awaken Wild One podcast. I'm your host, trish Stanford. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, this podcast is my gift to other survivors. I am here to show you healing is possible and guide you in all of the ways that you can get to your very best life as soon as possible.

Speaker 1: 1:05

Flying Monkeys. Have you watched the Wizard of Oz? Do you know about the flying monkeys that work on behalf of the Wicked Witch of the West? She controls these beings to do her bidding. They have no stance against her. They do whatever whenever this powerful witch tells them to do.

Speaker 1: 1:36

The title Flying Monkeys the character embodiment, the avatar of flying monkeys has been pulled into the psychological, sociological speak of people dealing with narcissists, because this is what they create. They create these people in their lives that will do their bidding. Some of them get them so well trained and so well brainwashed and oftentimes the narcissist will jump in without having to be asked. In the case of one of my ex-husbands, he has a narcissistic mother and I'm convinced that she has a narcissistic father. This is generations of sociopathy and narcissism passed down. What a family gift. Right, it's down through the lines and they just jump right into the other ones bidding without any problem. It's almost like that's who they are. They are one another's next extension of doing the war against healthy, authentic personalities and this particular relationship. This by far is the biggest flying monkey I've had to deal with.

Speaker 1: 3:00

First husband's mom was a flying monkey as well, in different ways, and I will share some about her in the future. Something I can share about now she's really venomous with her mouth. So things that she's disagreed with it's not shared as a disagreement, it's shared as a judgment to the nth degree. So if she doesn't like you, you're the spawn of Satan. Like there's no middle ground here with this woman If you are not moving at the pace that she agrees with.

Speaker 1: 3:40

I have a diagnosis of fibromyalgia, so there's been periods in my life where I've had flare-ups and, because of physical conditions, haven't been able to perform at a fast pace. There's limitations, I have lost feeling in my feet. There's just there's been things right migraines, all kinds of stuff. But during those moments it wasn't a empathetic response of she's facing pain, she's dealing with a hidden disease, it was she's lazy and not pulling her weight. So you know, zero to 60 on the judgments.

Speaker 1: 4:17

Narcissist number two's mom is just at another level and I have no psychological training. I am definitely not a psychiatrist or a therapist or in any way able to diagnose her. What I do know is her behavior and the patterns therein. I am a genius at pattern recognition Really tested geniuses, pattern recognition so you can count that as fact. And she reacts the same way every time, and she has for the last 15 years. And that reaction is what does this do to my name and image? Therefore, what does it do to my son's name and image? And everything is filtered through that. It's filtered through poop brown glasses and these poop brown glasses have to be protected, must protect the crappy image that you have.

Speaker 1: 5:18

One of the most amazing things about this is their pride and blame that they'll put into the bidding of the flying monkey. So a good example here is during my divorce. I mean, I was broke. I left with nothing for me to get a rental property. My mom and I went to our local Kroger store and she maxed out every one of her cash advances on her credit cards and it was a moment that was so embarrassing it couldn't even be embarrassing because it was like just watching the line of people after us who are there to get payday loans or cash advances. Watching them see our desperation probably lightened up their situation a little bit, because you know we'd get a decline or we'd get a. That's all you can take. You could only rack it up by $500 at a time, so she'd do $500 and then try again $500, and then try again $500. And then eventually it would decline.

Speaker 1: 6:22

I needed $2,800 to put down as a security deposit and I needed first month's rent. I had first month's rent hidden in a cash envelope in my underwear drawer that I had been putting away from my side jobs. I took side jobs specifically for this reason. We get this money right and that's how I start my life. So I'm coming into my life with nothing. I also left in the manner that you are supposed to when you're in any kind of abusive relationship which is in silence, in secret and quickly.

Speaker 1: 7:01

So I grabbed what I could in the moving truck, size that I could afford and I knew. I knew what the typical process of a narcissist is. They're not going to let you back into the house to get anything else. Chances are they're going to ruin your stuff, sell it, take it to be donated. Something's going to happen to the stuff that you leave behind. So you grab what you need to live and you grab what's important to you and everything else. You got to just kiss it goodbye and trust that you're going to get it again at some point, and that's what I did. I left with our important stuff, my kids had all of their stuff, I had what I needed and we left, and I then needed to hire an attorney, obviously, and my attorney was amazing. I had no credit. My ex-husband had ruined my credit. He had also secretively taken out tons of loans that were common. What is that Common property? Communal property. So I was on the hook for all these loans I didn't even know existed. Not to mention I needed a legal separation. I needed things to be moving towards divorce. All of that stuff needed to happen ASAP.

Speaker 1: 8:12

Well, I had cultivated some great relationships with some people years prior, and one of them happened to be a family law attorney, and so I reached out to her. She's a really well-known attorney in my community and I had the assumption I wasn't going to be able to afford her. So I wanted to find out who was the best best divorce attorney and best bankruptcy attorney that I could get who wouldn't take a gigantic retainer or that I would be able to pay out after the fact, make a payment plan something. And she said I'll do it, I'll do it. She's like you're a friend of mine, I have seen what you've been through, I know this cause. She's seen it. She's seen it so many times and she knows how hard it is.

Speaker 1: 9:00

And she, from me describing you know what was going on with my ex-husband she actually goes, oh, narcissist, okay, she knew what I was about to face and she agreed to jump in and I looked her in the eyes and I was like I will pay you. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I will pay you. And she said I know. So we moved on and you know, she just kept charging up hours and she God, I just love her. She appealed to her. She had three other partners you know her name's on the door. She's, she's big fancy. And she appealed to her partners and told them the situation and I don't know if they were like yeah, cool, no problem, we'll wait for this revenue, or if she had to put in the revenue on her own or right off the hours. I don't know what she had to do on her side, but I guarantee it was something.

Speaker 1: 9:47

It was some sort of sacrifice other than her time and waiting for payment, and I am forever grateful. I have sense, I have pimped her out, I have shared her with everyone that I know that's getting divorced and I just so happen to be in a community where pretty much everyone I know is getting divorced and every victim in the marriage has used her and it's been amazing. So I'm sure that my referrals have paid her back tenfold. But I also I did end up paying her back. This is one of those stories that I just love. I I couldn't pay her.

Speaker 1: 10:27

We rolled her bill into my bankruptcy, so, you know, it was fully written off of down to zero and I came into some unexpected work success. I was transitioning out of a commission based role back into a salary based role, specifically to have, you know, a paycheck income again and my commission based role. I hit a big bonus and it just came out of nowhere. I got this giant bonus and I was able after my bankruptcy had closed. So how beautiful is that. It didn't come in and get sucked down by the bankruptcy. It came in well after the legal there's. You know, things you have to follow. If you come into money after you have to report it and blah, blah, blah blah. It had passed the time frame where this money came in and so I didn't have to give everything back. The whole bankruptcy was settled and, you know, discharged and moved on, and so I was able to go in and pay her in full.

Speaker 1: 11:28

And it was the most beautiful moment because I called her first. I called her and I said you know, friend, I have, I have the money to pay you and she's like you're under no obligation. I said I know she's like, I don't need it. I'm like. I know I was like, but I do. I do not only just to Make good on the promise that I gave you, looking into your eyes as my attorney, I did it as a friend and you served me, you served me. Well, I fully believe that money spent is Money returned in tenfold and I have to give you this money. And she's like well, I can, I can write it down. You don't have to pay the full amount. You know, she just kept trying to give me a discount, which I totally appreciate. I said I want to pay you in full, I want to pay you your real hourly rate For everything you did for me. Please go redraft my bill and you know, figure it out. Put it back on a previous year's revenue, put it on this year's revenue. I don't care what you do with it, but give me a bill. And so she did. She went and she talked to her partners, she got an invoice drafted, she sent it to me and I was able to pay her same day and she was elated and happy and also feeling bad and all the feelings, and I just reassured her that this is something I needed to do and thank you for receiving.

Speaker 1: 12:51

And we've moved on from there and it's been an amazing thing and actually, after that rental property that I was talking about that Sold after telling me I could stay for five years, I needed to find a place again and I needed to find it quickly and one of the first places I looked at Was it was the one I wanted, but it was what's the word I'm looking for in demand. It was in demand and I could tell you know the Search place that I was using had shown how many applications had been put in and and whatever. So I come from my showing and I'm honestly, I've seen so many properties in my lifetime and I just had this feeling that the person was gonna use what every other landlord uses. Oh, this one's in high demand. If you want it, you're gonna have to sign that application today. And you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, I don't have good luck with applications.

Speaker 1: 13:48

At that point in my life I had just filed bankruptcy like it's gonna be a stretch for me to get a place and Said this is perfect for me, this is perfect for my family. I'm going to apply right now, but I need you to know this when you run my credit, my score is Almost non-existent. It's off the charts in the wrong direction. I Just filed bankruptcy. It's barely discharged. There's nothing about me that looks good on paper. All I can give you is my word and some personal and business references to let you know that I'm not gonna miss the rent.

Speaker 1: 14:28

And I made an inappropriate joke and said that I would, you know, sell myself or my kids or my stuff to pay the rent. And we giggled and she said I actually know more about you, then what I've let on. I Facebook stalk everybody that rents from me. She said I found that we have a couple of mutual friends and I said who? I was mostly just curious because I knew she wasn't from my smaller town and I wanted to know who she was friends with. And she goes, it's, and she listed off my attorney, my attorneys partner and then another friend of mine and she said you know, the man I'm dating is an attorney in town. He's Frequently works with family law Attorneys and so I know that whole group and I was like oh my gosh, and I immediately started telling her what they had done for me. And you know, I was just bragging them up and she goes I actually already know that story. What, and you know, did this sleuthing and called the mutual friends and Said tell me about her. And my attorney told her the story about me having just paid her out of you know, my bonus income that came miraculously after my bankruptcy discharge.

Speaker 1: 15:50

The other one she's not only an attorney, she's a judge. And it was one of those beautiful situations where I didn't even know she was a judge. I had no idea what her career was. We were in a book club together, just happenstance, neighborhood book club and I kind of considered her like a wine drinking buddy. She always brought the most beautiful bottles of wine and the best cheeses, and I just loved when she came because she brought snacks.

Speaker 1: 16:18

So you know, here I find out that she's a judge in town, like there's just all of these things that lined up, and she's like every single person I've talked to said if there's one person you can trust to pay, it's her. She will not destroy your place, she'll treat it like it's your own. She's going to pay you. If something were to happen where she can't pay you, she's going to pre-communicate that in advance and find a way to deal with this with you. You have nothing to worry about. And so she said I have 45 applicants already. I've run background checks. All I need to do is pick a person. And I said you know, I interrupted her hello, adhd. And I said oh, please, let me get my application.

Speaker 1: 17:00

And you know, here I'm like in panic mode that she's telling me that there's 45 people ahead of me. And she goes I don't need your application. If you want it, it's yours. Started bawling. I could start crying right now, like she. Just she handed me the keys on the spot. I didn't even have to put down a security deposit, she just gave it to me. It was the most beautiful moment. It was the most beautiful moment, but anyway. So here's the good things. How did I even get on this track? I guess I just really needed to share that with you. It's such a beautiful story.

Speaker 1: 17:32

But back to the flying monkeys. So here's my friends, my attorney friends, my judge friends that are just showing up left and right for me out of nowhere and we start this divorce proceeding and this flying monkey, mom of ex number two, very wealthy woman, and we're talking old money. I got none of it. Everything's locked up, so airtight in trusts it's. I pay this, my ex child support, so obviously I didn't get anything.

Speaker 1: 18:00

She sued me for something totally arbitrary and stupid and just to just to time me up in court, just to take more of my resources from her grandson, mind you. She sued me and she knew I wouldn't have the money to fight it. So it was either I was gonna give in or, you know, hire a mediator or whatever the thing was going to be. And so of course I go running back to my attorneys and I'm like what do I do? And she's like let's have a mediation session. So we have this mediation session and we ended up settling on a 50-50 for this thing. They basically convinced the attorney on the other side I'm not gonna be coming into any generational wealth, I'm not, I don't have anything to offer you that their best bet was to stop spending arbitrary legal fee. You know what? I walked away with no attorney bill and not owing anything for any of those assets, and I will get $5,000 when my ex turns 60. And honestly, at this point I just wanna tell him to keep the five grand when he turns 60, because it's not like it's compounding interest or anything awesome for me. Now I'm gonna manifest well over that amount by then. So keep your money, keep your blood money. Yeah, so that's that. But this is what flying monkeys do. My ex never would've come up with that scheme, but mommy was ready, ready to go to town on a newly bankrupt single mom of three with zero generational wealth. I mean, let's go. It just blows my mind the lengths that flying monkeys will go to to mess with you.

Speaker 1: 19:47

I'm gonna link some things to this podcast episode in the show notes and I'm also gonna put some on the website awakenwildonecom for you to read about flying monkeys, because the actual sociological, psychological explanation for this absolutely fascinates me. But it's something you need to know about, something you need to be aware about and it's something you need to put up your I mean vampire garlic for it, because they're prolific and they're connected to every narcissist between my dad, my two ex-husbands, my former bosses that were narcissists. I have a best friend that was a former best friend that was a narcissist too. Wouldn't that be funny to say former narcissist? Has anyone ever said that? I don't think so. So I know, I know that they don't. They don't travel alone and you need to be aware. You need to be aware.

Speaker 1: 20:42

Double check, acid test there it is Acid test the people in your world to see if they're connected. My favorite acid test is to tell something completely untrue that is benign, doesn't get anybody in trouble but has a little sauce to it. You know like oh so, and so did you know that I got a DM from a celebrity, like just something ridiculous. Tell it to the person that you're testing and see what comes out of the mouth or text or email or whatever from your narc, because it'll get there and narc don't know how to keep secrets, so it'll come back around to you. Here's mine.

Speaker 1: 21:33

I had hops when I was a kid I was very athletic and I loved it. I enjoyed it, I practiced it, my muscles were ready for it. I was in all kinds of sports, from the tumbling nature to the jumping nature, to the dribbling nature, like all the things and I could jump really high. I had a school record for a really long time. I, you know, placed state level with different things. I was a really good athlete and it's not something that I go around bragging about. My kids are really good athletes.

Speaker 1: 22:06

So oftentimes people are like you were an athlete, huh, you know those kinds of things. But I'm a broken athlete now so I don't really do anything anymore. My knees are shot, so you wouldn't look at me and be like, oh she, marathons, it's just not there. So you know, it's a past thing, right, and I had told one of these people about a time where people were dunking. People were dunking and I was like I bet you I can catch that rim. And I'm like, yeah, right, okay, and I was like barely five feet tall at the time, I hadn't hit my growth spurt and I did it. I ran and I jumped and I caught the rim and it was like, oh, you know, look at this little tiny thing jumping up there and holding onto the rim and I don't know if it was at full height. I don't remember if I did it at a middle school or not, I have no freaking idea. I know that it wasn't a kitty hoop. I know that it wasn't a lowered outdoor basketball hoop. I know that it was in a school, a sanctioned height. I can still feel the metal on my hands and the weird grip you have to have when you're hanging because of the little net holder thingies, otherwise you're going to get your finger pinched, like I know that I was hanging from the rim.

Speaker 1: 23:23

I cannot tell you how many times my ex tried to gaslight me over this. I don't know if he was just jealous at my athletic ability or thought turning me into some sort of exaggerating liar made him feel better about the lies and exaggerations that he did on a daily basis. But over and over and over again, he'd bring up this story and, you know, rip on me about it. Just any chance. He got to the point where it was like really, how did you turn a conversation about XYZ into you not believing me that I was able to? He would say dunk a basketball when I was, you know, in middle school or whatever, and it just was ridiculous. And so I told this friend I'm like if I bring up dunking this basketball, it's going to get back to him and he's going to make fun of me again about it. He can't help it, he has to. So you know, I made a comment about dunk dunk. Oh yeah, I can dunk it. I was like there's a few people in our circle that have seen it and they had like some of my friends were the people that were there, and truth, all truth, oh, it didn't take long before that. You know, we're doing a parenting exchange and he looks at me and he's like, oh, so now you're telling all of our friends that you can dunk a basketball. Like, okay, flying monkey, that acid test came back positive. It's that one's out.

Speaker 1: 24:54

So my circle dwindled and dwindled and dwindled down and honestly it got left with, like I want to say, four people, but even them I still kind of had side eye. You know, was like I just don't know and I gave them a couple more, I mean honestly, a couple more years. I gave them a couple more years of a little bit more insight into my life, but I still didn't go deep with them and I kind of wondered, you know, if these are real, real, real friends, they're going to call me out on the fact that I'm very rarely vulnerable with them. They're going to look at me and say you know, I share with you a lot of things. Why don't you ever share back? And I just waited, I waited for that day to come and that day never did come and we had some circumstances, pandemic, other things that came along that just naturally, circumstantially tested our friendships. And the friendships withered so quickly and easily and it was like you know, I knew my gut knew that there was something off there and my deck was cleared.

Speaker 1: 25:54

I had at that point I could look and go. I have my friends that I've had my whole life, the ones that have been with me since elementary school or since sports at a young age very small circle of people that I still trusted and happy about it, happy that I had been at that point able to recognize everyone who was no longer a fit, no longer a match, no longer at my frequency, and left them to the devices of the narcissist. And he can ruin his relationships all on his own. He can if they want to believe his lies, have at it, have at it. You guys go, enjoy all of your nonsense and I'm going to wait over here for the real ones that are going to come around the corner, because I know they're coming. They're always coming and they did and they do, and I love the people that have come into my life and I have since learned how to spot the fakes so easily. You know, I'm like a friendship authenticator. Give me my white gloves, I'm going to look for the label and the serial number and you're going to know if this is real or not real fast. And it's a beautiful, beautiful thing. So back to flying monkeys. There's beauty after the flying monkeys. There's a way to become wise to the flying monkeys. But please do your research. If you're having a hard time spotting them, do a similar acid test. Be careful. Be careful what you tell them and go no contact with them just as easy as you go no contact with with your narc. They're not your family. I'm sorry. I am sorry.

Speaker 1: 27:37

You know, when I was married to my second husband, we traveled together and took big pic, or took family pictures, and printed giant canvases that hung over the fireplace. You know we were all very central. It was a very family oriented family on the outside. On the inside it was toxic hell in every direction, not just mine and you know. They went and got new family photos without me or the kids in it and just reprinted the dang canvas for above the fireplace. I was very easily removed. We no longer speak.

Speaker 1: 28:16

They occasionally show up at my son's sporting events. They sit on the other side, they sit with the other team so they don't have to be near me and what's funny is I've never said anything to them. I've actually waved high before. Or they showed up for my son's birthday and I was pleased that he was getting the support from his grandparents and so I thanked them for coming. I have never even made a face at them before. I've been indifferent, but I've never been mean. But they avoid me like the plague and I am grateful I am the plague. Stay away. So please become the plague to your flying monkeys. They won't change, they will not join your side.

Speaker 1: 29:00

Do your grieving now. Trust me, it's easier. Do your grieving now, before you have a laundry list of things they've done to you to convince you that you're going to have to grieve them. Just do it now. Just let them go. Move along, because it is it's not worth it. There will be no benefit whatsoever. And go find your people. Go attract your people.

Speaker 1: 29:21

If you have to spend a little bit of time alone because you cleared the deck, it's okay, you're going to be okay. Spend the time with yourself. Your lonely moments, give them to your spirit team. Whomever you go to, is going to be there to support you and they're working on it. They're working on the next crew of people that are coming in for you and they're hand picking them for who you are now. They're hand picking them for the healing, self-confident, independent, ready for real friendship, narcissistic, immune version of you.

Speaker 1: 29:58

These are going to be real people. They're going to be authentic. They're going to bring vulnerability. They're going to expect your vulnerability. It's going to be a beautiful exchange and an amazing community and it's going to be the friendships that bring you to tears, just like it does for me Good tears Going to bring you to good, emotional, all the feels, warm, fuzzy tears, and it's so worth it. It's so worth it. And you're time alone until they show up. They're coming, okay, love you. Bye. Thank you for listening to the Awaken Wild 1 podcast. I'm proud of you. You've done it. You've taken the next step in your healing. I hope that your best life is right around the corner. Please subscribe, as we're going to meet here every week, and continue to grow and develop into our best selves. Have a wonderful day and unleash your best life.