As I, Trish Stanford, pull back the curtain on my own dating disasters, I invite you to witness the treacherous allure of those deceiving 'butterflies.' They were danger signs, masquerading as excitement, leading me down the path of obsession and mirroring the disarray of past traumas. This episode peels away the layers of false thrills to uncover a profound insight: true peace and stability in relationships should evoke calm, not chaos. We explore why the flutter of attraction can be a cautionary tale for those of us finding our way out of narcissistic abuse, and how the soothing tranquility found in genuine friendships has become my new beacon of hope.
Venturing further, we dissect the facade of charm in toxic relationships through my own experiences with a captivating father and charming ex-husbands. These reflections serve as a stark reminder of the hidden snares within alluring encounters and the importance of honoring one's instincts amid red flags. Join me on this heartfelt journey towards healing, as at 44, I continue to learn the vital difference between the fleeting butterflies and the enduring serenity that marks a true connection. This weekly podcast is more than just stories—it's a steady climb to self-betterment and a collective endeavor to embrace our best lives.
As I, Trish Stanford, pull back the curtain on my own dating disasters, I invite you to witness the treacherous allure of those deceiving 'butterflies.' They were danger signs, masquerading as excitement, leading me down the path of obsession and mirroring the disarray of past traumas. This episode peels away the layers of false thrills to uncover a profound insight: true peace and stability in relationships should evoke calm, not chaos. We explore why the flutter of attraction can be a cautionary tale for those of us finding our way out of narcissistic abuse, and how the soothing tranquility found in genuine friendships has become my new beacon of hope.
Venturing further, we dissect the facade of charm in toxic relationships through my own experiences with a captivating father and charming ex-husbands. These reflections serve as a stark reminder of the hidden snares within alluring encounters and the importance of honoring one's instincts amid red flags. Join me on this heartfelt journey towards healing, as at 44, I continue to learn the vital difference between the fleeting butterflies and the enduring serenity that marks a true connection. This weekly podcast is more than just stories—it's a steady climb to self-betterment and a collective endeavor to embrace our best lives.
You. You are listening to the Awaken Wild One podcast. I'm your host, trish Stamford. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, this podcast is my gift to other survivors. I am here to show you healing is possible and guide you in all of the ways that you can get to your very best life as soon as possible. Today I want to talk about butterflies.
Speaker 1:
My therapist told me that butterflies is actually a red flag when you're starting to date somebody, and it was the most mind-blowing concept to me. My entire dating life I have always gone with the feelings, the body sensations that have arrived when I'm around somebody. I mean from my very first crush to my first serious boyfriend. It was all about how it made me feel. You know you would get that rush. We all know what butterflies feel like but it's that rush, that thing, that pulls you in that and I was.
Speaker 1:
Now, as an adult, I have learned that I was obsessive about my romantic relationships and had highly insecure attachments. And all of this pleasure pain was the only way I can describe it it was such a pleasure that you never wanted to end. I remember feeling like I was going to die when he was away and yes, that being the first love experience and also being intense. Coming from a childhood trauma place, I had a narcissistic father, very, very violent and abusive man as I was growing up and that butterfly feeling felt like safety and comfort to me. And when my therapist explained it I remember her saying you know, feel what the body sensations feel like when you're in a place of this butterflies of this excitement, of this obsession and the thing that makes you think that this person is who you need to put your energy into. And I thought you know it's a heart rush, it's pulling in my head, it's a feeling in my throat and in my jaw and like almost an erotic awakening feeling. Put it to words, you know the best that you can put it to words and then think back to a trauma, to a toxic relationship and what that feels like Very freaking, similar. Right, it's definitely more the pain side, but the same Fricking thing happens your heart races, your eyes dilate, your blood pressure raises, you get a little more focused and shaky. I mean, it's all the same feeling. And it was this explosion of awareness for me when I took that thought home and ruminated on it for a while and, oh my gosh, it's just changed everything. She said that when your nervous system calms around someone, that's who you should allow into your life.
Speaker 1:
And never, never was that the way I went about selecting who, I quote, liked. You know, I could go out on a string of dates over a couple of weeks and the people that I felt calm around it was almost I would explain to my friends that they were boring to me. It was boring. It didn't really have a spark. I don't see it really going anywhere. But then there would be that one occasion where someone would really like ooh, you know, something would light up in me and I couldn't pinpoint it. It's not like I could say, oh my gosh, he's just got the greatest sense of humor, or he is powerfully learning about himself, or he's into growth and he's super positive. You know the things that I wanted in a man. That's not what these feelings were derived from. It was seemingly out of nowhere. It just was a thing, it was just a feeling.
Speaker 1:
And then I look back at those particular guys and the ones that stuck around for a little bit, or the ones that I kind of pushed to stay around for a little bit, and they always ended up being the toxic guys. It was always the bad relationships for me. They were always in it for some other ulterior motive. I mean anything from telling you what you wanna hear, because you're looking for a true relationship, a connection or a commitment, and I mean they're just looking for a hookup or one situation. This guy that I was really into him, I was ready to kinda lock it down and make it a thing and I had never considered introducing my kids to anybody before and I thought about this with him. And man, I'm so glad I didn't because he's an opportunist. I have watched him go through two that I know of women and take them for their money and all kinds of issues, and it just blows my mind that my body was pulling me toward what was comfortable and familiar.
Speaker 1:
I was used to chaos. I was used to never knowing what to expect from my dad, never knowing what to expect from my two narcissistic husbands. And here I am again out in the dating world after so much growth and so much attention on myself personally and a true I really do love myself. I am at a place in my life now where I can say that unabashedly I love myself. I love myself so much. Yet I am still triggered and I'm thankful. I'm thankful for that. Now, these triggers, let me know. You know what. This is. Your past, this is ick, this is gross. This is not what you want in your life anymore. These lessons are staying learned. You are not gonna go through this again. So when these feelings come up now, it's an instant like ooh, you gotta go, even though I still feel a pull toward this person because of these butterflies. It's just the craziest thing.
Speaker 1:
I have yet to really feel the calmness that I believe is going to be present when I find my, you know, my next or my last, like life partner. I haven't found him yet. I haven't found that yet. I have found it in friendships, which I really appreciate. I have some true women friends that when I'm with them, my whole nervous system just relaxes. I can speak at ease. I don't feel like I need to mask, I don't feel like I need to put on a show. There's nothing there that makes me feel like. You know, I have to engage them more in conversation than what I want to Excuse me, yalik, I can just be. I can just be with them and truly listen to them and truly share. You know, anything that comes up in my mind that I would like to share and I can feel vulnerable and I feel safe, and I know that that's what it's going to feel like when I find a safe partner. Until then in my dating journey, if you give me butterflies, you're out of here. You are out of here, it's just not. It's not something that I'm willing to risk anymore at this point. I'm going to trust in my body's judgment and feel into it. The one thing I have also taken from this is I'll give it a little time. So if I go out, let's say, on a first date I just recently made this mistake.
Speaker 1:
I went out on a first date oh my gosh, I'm sorry I got it so much. I think I'm thirsty. I went on a first date and it was the most magical first date. We had the most fun. We were laughing and joking and intentionally went to brunch with you know an hour or an hour and a half in mind with this person and then ended up spending pretty much the whole day with him and we went and did some cute things around town and I just enjoyed his presence and we laughed so much and had a great time and I was feeling butterflies. I was feeling a little bit bit triggered.
Speaker 1:
He became really not physical sexually, but physical romantically very quickly, like we got done with brunch and then we decided to go for a walk. You know, he was holding my hand and it was very sweet and we went and sat at a bench at a park and we were just talking and he turned on some music which was just lovely, and we're just jamming to some music, people watching at the park. It was a beautiful day, talking, laughing. We weren't getting particularly vulnerable, we weren't talking about anything deep in life, which I was cool with. It's a first date. It's fine if we just want to see if we even connect before we get deep with things. But he would grab me and pull me close as we were sitting on this park bench and man did. I love it, my body loved it.
Speaker 1:
I've been single for five and a half years and I'm a physical touch girl and I had a sexless marriage. So my body is craving human connection, specifically romantic, sexual human connection, and casual sex doesn't do it for me. I've discovered that by trial and error, but I'm committed now to waiting for a real connection, primarily because it doesn't do anything for me anymore. I don't. It's just not, it's not worth my time and energy, it's not of pleasure to me anymore and I'm only about getting to true pleasure and true connection in my sexual life.
Speaker 1:
At this point, anyway, oh my gosh, my body was responding, my body was totally responding, but my brain was like why is this guy feel I'm not going to be able to do this, I'm not going to be able to do this, I'm not going to be able to do this? Like he's this connected to me at this point when there has been zero depth? He doesn't know me, he doesn't know anything about me, he doesn't know my character, he doesn't know my interests, he doesn't know my political views, he doesn't know where I stand spiritually. Like there's nothing here that could truly connect us into the next steps of being one another's life partner. And this man is acting as if I am his life partner physically. And you know it should have registered at that point that this was in fact, red flag. Red flag, you know this was butterflies. So I leave that date and think about it and journaling about it and I'm like this is it, isn't it? This is, this is what I'm supposed to walk away from. But and here's my ego. Here's my brain stepping in, going. But he's he's so cute and he's so athletic and he's mature and he appears, appears to have his shit together. I did find out later he didn't. He says all the right things.
Speaker 1:
Another big trigger for me I, my dad, is the most charming human on the planet, and I learned as a kid to be charmed in and out of every feeling that I ever had. You know, it could be the most disastrous, violent, emotionally abusive day and at the end of the day, he could charm me right into forgiving him and trying to smooth it over and move back into you know everything quote normal. Same thing with my ex-husbands. It was all about getting back to the status quo, getting back to normal, and it was always charm that took us from that place of you know the toxic abuse cycle back into the beginning of the abuse cycle, which is, you know, homeostasis or so what it felt like. But anyway, I should have known. I should have known and I did know. That's the thing I did know. I knew. However, I ignored it.
Speaker 1:
We made plans for 48 hours later. He lives close to where I work and so I made this plan with him to go down after work and have dinner, and I packed an overnight bag and my thoughts were I can stay down there with him if we're going to have dinner and hang out. I'm going to hang out late. I'm not going to want to drive all the way home. I have to commute for work some days an hour and a half, so it was like why don't I just stay down there and then you know, I don't have to do the three hours of driving between him and work, and I was committed to not sleeping with the guy, right, and I had told him this, I'd communicated it like everything was out in the open. It should have been an easy decision and it wasn't. My body still took over, my ego still took over and we had this great dinner. I got to meet here's another issue Got to meet his roommate. Why is a grown-ass man living with a roommate? I mean not that I'm judging. Where I live is very expensive and there are definitely circumstances where it makes a lot of sense. However, it is a question mark. It's a question mark as to you know what got you to this place. Is there some circumstances that maybe aren't ideal that led you to being in a position where you have to have a roommate Anyway. So had this fun with his roommate Really great guy. I enjoyed talking to him but I watched as they continued.
Speaker 1:
I don't really drink. I get migraines and I actually fully believe that alcohol is poison. It does not benefit anybody or anything in society in any way. I'm not a judgmental person of those who drink. I completely understand how Low or moderate consumption can be of benefit, I guess, in social circumstances, if you have like social anxiety or you just like to loosen up a little bit, take the edge off of a day, those kinds of things. However, I do think that it can be very corrupting. Anyway, I don't drink much.
Speaker 1:
So we're at dinner, brings out a bottle of wine. I thought, okay, let's just give it a try, I'll have a glass of wine If I get a headache. I get a headache. It is what it is so beautiful steak dinner, nice glass of red wine, fun communication, great music. We were just having a great night and I felt safe, I felt heard. Everything was feeling great Until time when I was like all right, it's like it's getting late, I should go to bed, I need to go to work, and they were still drinking. And this is a Monday night, you know. It was like, okay, so they end up getting, I mean, blackout, wasted and I go to bed, wake up in the morning, get ready for work, get ready to leave, and he was so different to me, so incredibly different sober or hungover to me, the niceties stopped. He made a judgment about my weird things, my toothbrush. I had a little mini toothbrush, a travel toothbrush, like just strange things, and I thought about okay, this is a weird perspective of who you really are.
Speaker 1:
And we take off to work and he's like oh, you know, your commute is gonna you're basically gonna follow me to this one specific point. And then, you know, we're gonna kind of deviate or whatever. And I was following him for a little bit but I determined that I was gonna go a different way because I had my. You know, I'm a computer, I've got my setup. So I knew that traffic was probably gonna be bad the way that he was going. So I was gonna go a different way. And so I veered off and took off. You know, he called and he was like where are you going? Like the traffic's better this way. And he's like oh, okay, you know all snotty about my choice to drive a different direction. I'm like, all right.
Speaker 1:
So there's a little bit of control issue. You know, like I'm seeing these red flags and yet I'm like, okay, well, you know, my brain starts telling me all of the things that I've been trying to quote, tell myself to like this guy Instead of just allowing myself to go. You know what? I don't really like him. I don't really like him. I mean, my body kind of goes off around him. I'm just seeing things that I don't particularly like. It's okay to walk away, it's okay to not continue to see this guy, even though he has, you know, indicated to you that he's everything that you're looking for, you're everything he's looking for, and he's, you know, pulling you in and romancing you and all this stuff. And, yeah, I went to work that day and near from him all day.
Speaker 1:
The next day went by and the next morning I you know I'm texted him and it was this conversation, just brief and strange, and the tone was different, and so I'm very direct, and so I asked him what's up with your tone? Things are different. And man, that set him off. You know, like telling him that his tone was off. He didn't like that, and that started a little bit of a back and forth that I wasn't particularly pleased with, and then I never heard from him again and it sounds about right for what my body was trying to tell me.
Speaker 1:
So here I am, five and a half years into the experience, testing it, trying it, still, reminding myself that I can trust my body. So I know that it doesn't happen quickly. I know that the butterflies still happen and your brain still wants to believe them. That conditioning, if you've had it ever. My opinion so far in my 44 years of life is that it's a hard one to break, it's a hard one to recognize. But I'm gonna keep trying. I'm gonna keep trying and I know, I just know he's gonna make me calm, can't wait. I can't wait to feel that sensation and I hope no, I'm not gonna say I hope. I know that I'm gonna recognize it. I'm gonna recognize it for being vastly different from every other physical response that I've had to guys that I've let into my world and it's gonna stand out because it's gonna be so different.
Speaker 1:
So, butterflies, man, thank you for listening to the Awaken Wild One podcast. I'm proud of you. You've done it. You've taken the next step in your healing. I hope that your best life is right around the corner. Please subscribe, as we're gonna meet here every week and continue to grow and develop into our best selves. Have a wonderful day and unleash your best life. Pham Euphoria.