Awaken Wild One - Unleash your best life!
After surviving narcissistic abuse by my father, and two ex-husbands, I experienced the "dark night of the soul" about six years ago. During my last marriage, I felt the greatest pain of my 40 years of life, with a complete loss of my sense of self, confidence, and ability to navigate my circumstances in a secure and productive way. I made the decision to take my life back and then came...the awakening. Through spiritual exploration, deep self evaluation and healing, self-care, self-discovery, and fun, the Wild One in me was re-born! I'm fresh and new like the dreamy state of a child, with the internal fortitude of a strong, independent, adult. The magnificent transformation of my life year- after- year has felt like a renaissance of self. And, the more I become my authentic self, the happier and more abundant my life has become. This podcast is my gift to survivors. I will help you learn from my journey; how to know you're a victim, how to leave the conditioned state of being narcissistic supply, and most importantly, how to thrive, succeed, and truly live after the awakening! I am here to show you, you are not alone, healing is possible, and now is time to unleash your best life!
Awaken Wild One - Unleash your best life!
Emotional Resilience Amid Narcissistic Relapse Part 1
How do you navigate the emotional upheaval of significant life changes while caring for your own health and well-being? This week on Awaken Wild One, I, Trish Stanford, share the heart-wrenching experience of my son leaving for the Army and the surprising ways my body reacted to such stress, from cold sores to overwhelming nausea. Amidst this turmoil, I found solace in self-compassion and allowed myself the grace to recover at my own pace. I also open up about my recent journey through a paniculectomy, reflecting on how this surgery has reshaped more than just my self-image, following my significant weight loss and the physical transformations of motherhood.
As I recount these pivotal moments, I delve into the tricky terrain of relationships during recovery, especially when my partner chose this vulnerable time to express intense feelings. While I acknowledge his growth, uncertainty looms over his understanding of love. This episode doesn't provide all the answers but instead invites you to ponder the authenticity of love and the complexity of healing from narcissistic abuse. Join me on this reflective journey, as we explore the intricacies of emotional resilience and the hope for a brighter future, promising more discussions and insights in future episodes.
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Thank you. You are listening to the Awaken Wild One podcast. I'm your host, Trish Stanford. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, this podcast is my gift to other survivors. I am here to show you healing is possible and guide you in all of the ways that you can get to your very best life as soon as possible.
Speaker 2:It's been a big week. My kid left for the Army a week ago. Today he has called twice. They do like a form call less than 10 seconds. Hey, I'm at such and such location. I'm safe. I'll be in touch soon. Love you, bye, and I was so happy to hear from him. I can't remember if I shared my story about my oldest son graduating high school.
Speaker 2:You know, you hear from other moms that this is so hard and so bittersweet, and so I was mentally feeling like I was prepared, and then my body revealed the reality of what was going on inside, and I mean I broke out in cold sores and my immune system tanked and I got the cold that everybody had going around. It was just stupid. So each big moment, since the next kid's graduation.
Speaker 2:We've had a college graduation and then we've had a leaving for boot camp. I have just been aware that my body's probably going to freak out and, oh my God, this week has been brutal, brutal. I have been nauseous. I had 48 hours of uncontrollable diarrhea. It has just been horrendous. I am actually in the first month of a new day job and I had to call in sick, so I felt like a big old asshole because my stomach was going crazy and it's a really big building and the bathrooms are kind of far away Like this isn't going to work.
Speaker 2:I cannot be this far away from a bathroom today and be successful at not being disgusting. So that was miserable. And so then, of course, I'm feeling the spiral of the guilt for being gone from work building this new team getting ingrained with my, you know bigger business at large and leaving in the first month just blows.
Speaker 2:So didn't love that, and I've got some big podcast topics to share here coming up. Spoiler alert I went headfirst into reconnecting with my most recent narcissistic ex-husband. So if you have gotten to this podcast by way of narcissism and thriving after narcissism, you are going to get an episode of pretty much real-time falling off the wagon and going back in and I have so much to say about it Some huge epiphanies that I think are pivotal in recovery from narcissistic abuse.
Speaker 2:So can't wait to share. So that'll be here next, in the next couple of episodes. Anyway, my anxiety in the next couple of episodes. Anyway, my anxiety. I'm just like, I'm just feeling it, I'm all up in my feels about everything, but nothing Like yes, of course.
Speaker 1:I miss my kid.
Speaker 2:I'm super happy for him, I, but my insides are just like I want to cry and my gut hurts and I'm just off and my happiness, my joy is Saturday mornings cleaning, I love to put on some awesome music and clean my house on. Saturday mornings and it's just. It's where I disconnect from the week I get myself prepared. I love that feeling of a clean house, and I haven't done shit this weekend. I have. I mean, of course, my stomach was off.
Speaker 2:So I was feeling pretty depleted and just rested. I did give myself a chance to rest without any kind of guilt or shame on myself. I knew my body needed it.
Speaker 1:So I took it and and I enjoyed it.
Speaker 2:And you know, that day that I stayed home from work, I really did a good job at putting my work I was going to say work ethic, but let's be real, my work dopamine aside and leaned into not feeling great. Right Today, I haven't done anything and I don't feel like doing anything and I'm looking at the house going. I finally have a space to myself, which part of me has desired for years.
Speaker 2:At this point, my middle kid who just left is nearly 22, and he lived with some roommates for a short period of time, but he's been back and forth to home for these last, you know, four. What is that? Four years?
Speaker 1:Yeah, five years.
Speaker 2:And my oldest is living away. He's out of state and I've gotten used to that, so I feel like I feel like I should be thriving and I'm not. I am not thriving. I my youngest is with his dad this weekend and I mean, the me that saw this on the horizon was like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna go out with my friends and I'm gonna clean and I'm gonna go to the gym every single night and I had all of these plans to capitalize on this newfound freedom, and I haven't done shit and it's yet another time where I just want to lean into you all and say hey, when you get these pivotal life moments with your kids, with your spouses, friends, family, whatever the case may be, but in my experience with your kids, give your body grace.
Speaker 2:There's just no telling how it's going to react and we all have our own special recipe of freak out, and mine has been different on every round. So here I am reminding myself and you to be gentle with yourself. Do what you got to do If it feels like survival.
Speaker 2:That's a-okay and survive, and pretty soon. The load will lighten and you're going to feel better and you're going to look back and be glad that you were kind to yourself so that's where we're at today being kind to ourselves. I had surgery this summer, so I'm about four months out from my surgery. I actually had a paniculectomy, which is the skin removal that you'd find in a tummy tuck.
Speaker 2:So, I, oh my gosh, it just feels so good, it feels amazing to be reconstructed after. I mean, I had 105-pound weight loss, three kids, one of which was a giant, and my tummy paid the price. And I mean, I was 23 when my stomach was stretched to this point. So my bikini years of young adulthood were short, and so you know I'm 45 now and. I've lived with this extra skin, this belly apron, for that length of time.
Speaker 2:And man, I feel so good. I'm wearing all the clothes that I want to wear. I don't have to nip or tuck or tape or feel squished when I bend over to tie my shoe. It's just the most amazing feeling. Anywho, oh, and I highly recommend, if you have a belly apron or you have had, you know, significant weight loss or for pregnancy or whatever the case may be talk to your doctor or find a new doctor and keep talking to your doctor about a pinnaculexomy Insurance covered mine and it was a really fast decision.
Speaker 2:Mine was a high grade it was hanging down past my pelvic bone and I had really been concentrating on my fitness. So when I flexed my abs my skin would just hang and I did have some rashes and, you know, irritations and occasionally like a little almost abscess, like a deep acne-type sore that would develop on that underneath side of my skin.
Speaker 2:And so they saw it as medically necessary right away and I mean I could have had the surgery the next week. I put it out for a little while just so that I could plan things around my life and do it during the summer, but it was the best decision and I am super pleased with my surgeon and the recovery was really just not that bad. I am grateful to my second husband. This is how this all started. He offered to take care of me.
Speaker 2:And of course, my original answer, my advised answer, what I would advise you answer, was to say no, thanks. You know, I really appreciate it, but you know I've got this.
Speaker 1:But what I?
Speaker 2:really did have was my 21-year-old kid who is getting ready to leave for the military, who's working two jobs? Going out with friends, enjoying his last few months at home and I had my sister who offered to help you know, on the day of which blew my mind that I didn't expect that at all and that was really it.
Speaker 2:I had been seeing a guy for a couple of months. It was great he offered to drive me, but I mean that was the extent of really what he owed me at that stage in our relationship, not at all that I think he needed to come stay with me for a week and take care of me. I really didn't think I was going to need that. I think I could have survived without it, that I think I could have survived without it or with just leaning on my kid for you know, 48, 72 hours now looking back. But my ex-husband offered for me to come stay at his house in one of my kids' old rooms. It's got an en suite bathroom, so super convenient. He had like reclining type hospital beds there for his parents, so it was super comfortable, and my youngest.
Speaker 2:His room was right across the hall, so he had some serious anxiety about mom having surgery and it just it made so much sense to me to be close to him, not have him having to go back and forth or be home with me when I can't do anything for him. You know it became a yes rather quickly and at the time I could feel the pressure coming because my ex had just found out that I was dating someone. It's the first time that any. This has been seven years. This was the first time that any kind of relationship has been revealed other than you know, him hearing something and getting jealous.
Speaker 2:But me actually declaring that I was, you know, preparing to introduce my son to this guy. Sent him into a tizzy. And I watched the downward spiral. They actually found out right before they went on a family cruise with his shitty parents and he was miserable the whole time. Therefore, the trip was miserable the whole time. He would cry intermittently in front of my kid.
Speaker 2:Would always you know, the sob story, the victim role. I just, you know, I'm just sad about your mom, like just so dramatic and my kid was stressed about it anyway. And then he's on this freaking vacation with his grandparents. He doesn't like, and it's just it was rough. It was really really rough, and it's just it was rough. It was really really rough and I was triggered by it. Looking back now I felt triggered, but I felt this moral, what would the right word be?
Speaker 2:Like I'm going to be missing out on fate, or I could potentially oh my gosh, I could potentially be messing up my future somehow if I don't hear him out. So, while I'm laid up for surgery, not vulnerable at all, right, totally the right time to come at me with all of your feelings, right, when I can't fucking go anywhere because I'm physically reliant on you and have no car.
Speaker 2:Awesome, you know, the more that I look at it, the more I'm like you don't love me. You have no clue what love is, dude, you have no clue what love is, but anyway, he goes on to tell me how in love with me he is and I had seen some growth and change. Oh, speak of the devil. He just pulled up behind me to be continued.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to the Awaken Wild One podcast. I'm proud of you. You've done it. You've taken the next step in your healing. I hope that your best life is right around the corner. Please subscribe, as we're going to meet here every week, and continue to grow and develop into our best selves. Have a wonderful day and unleash your best life.