Alchemizing Pain into Wisdom: A Survivor's Return

After a painful nine-month relapse with my narcissistic ex-husband, I've emerged with clearer boundaries and important lessons to share about recognizing manipulation tactics and prioritizing reality over potential in relationships.

• Having experienced the rollercoaster of trauma bonds, love bombing, and manipulation again, I now understand how easily narcissists exploit our vulnerabilities
• People can change, but look for tangible evidence through personal development work, not just words
• My middle son recently experienced a similar toxic relationship pattern but learned from my experience and walked away faster
• Narcissists will cross boundaries in calculated ways—like when my ex showed up unannounced to meet my children before I was ready
• The healing journey isn't linear, but each cycle teaches us more and strengthens our ability to recognize patterns earlier
• Witnessing someone's actions reveals much more than believing in their potential or listening to their promises
• Breaking generational cycles requires honesty about troubling patterns and protecting your peace

Please subscribe, as we're going to meet here every week and continue to grow and develop into our best selves.

Chapters

• 0:41 Introduction to Awaken Wild One
• 1:43 Update on Narcissistic Relapse
• 6:24 Witnessing vs. Believing Potential
• 12:37 Parallels With Son's Toxic Relationship
• 19:38 Setting Boundaries with Children
• 27:18 Boundary Violation Story
• 35:22 Closing Thoughts and Healing Forward

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:41

Thank you. You are listening to the Awaken Wild One podcast. I'm your host, trish Stanford. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, this podcast is my gift to other survivors. I am here to show you healing is possible and guide you in all of the ways that you can get to your very best life as soon as possible. It is a beautiful morning. Where I live today. I'm sitting on my front porch journaling and the urge and inspiration has finally struck again to record another episode.

Speaker 1: 1:23

I have found that I retreat to solitude. I've always known that the introverted part of me, when I'm processing, when I'm learning, when I'm alchemizing the stress of daily life, but also circumstances, and I owe you an update. The last podcast that I published was the second part to the story of my narcissistic relapse with my ex-husband, and I am checking in with you now to reveal that has been finished. It is. It is clear, my energy is clear, my boundaries are back in place and, wow, what a freaking rollercoaster. An absolute rollercoaster of resurgence, of trauma bonds, the guilt, the people pleasing, the desire for the codependency, to be quite honest, the desire for him to achieve what he was articulating in regard to me. What he was articulating in regard to me, you know this just overabundance of love, bombing in the way that has always worked on me the shared dreams, the goals, the future casting and I learned this last round that I'm well. I was still susceptible to wanting buy-in to those dreams, to those goals. Support and encouragement and communication and fun and exploration and adventure and all of these beautiful things were my goal for my next relationship and he sold me on his ability to achieve those with me and out of a layer of retribution and second chances to that, that he knows, he knows they know what they do. They listen for your, your vulnerabilities and exploit them, for your vulnerabilities and exploit them. And he knows that I'm a firm believer in people having the ability to change, break generational cycles, do better for themselves than what they were provided, do better for the ones that they love. He's watched me become a mother in a way that I was not taught me, become a mother in a way that I was not taught but, through the grace of my spiritual team, able to accomplish in such a beautiful and complete way that is fulfilling for me as a mother but fulfills this generational curse breaking and creates that bridge across generational lines that now my children and their children will never be connected or know the pain, the addiction, the abuse that generations prior to me faced, including me, and I am so grateful for those deep-seated changes in my life and my ability to do it.

Speaker 1: 5:18

The one thing that I've always been known for is giving credit upon potential that I see or that I believe when people tell me, versus witnessing. Witnessing the actions, the daily life, habits, the belief systems, the people that surround someone. You know. Those are factors, those are gigantic factors in the moves that people make. Now. You don't send an addict to rehab and then have them come out and fully recommend that they go back to their previous friends, family, circles that they once were involved with.

Speaker 1: 6:11

This influence has large power over our thought processes, our conditioning and our ability to build those new belief systems, and I just I witnessed that again here and I listened to the words. I am so grateful that spiritually, intuitively, circumstances, physical, put your eyes on it. This isn't a question of faith. This isn't a question of faith. This isn't a question of judging someone's potential. This is a right in front of your face, action that is showing you what to believe. Now. That's the thing with beliefs is faith is the unseen and witnessing. Physical manifestations of someone's personality, character, traits, flaws need to be recorded as fact and the belief, the reality need to be shared.

Speaker 1: 7:35

And while I can believe that someone has some core attributes my ex-husband I know that he wants to live a life of a quote good man. I know that's how he wants to be seen. Now, is that going to prevent him from lying to manipulate a situation? Not from what I have witnessed. Is that going to cause him to make decisions that are better for someone else while his ego, money, situation, reputation, reputation takes a hit, or even not necessarily takes a hit, but doesn't get that upper hand? Is he going to decide in someone else's favor? Is he going to do what I would consider to be the right thing? Not from what I have witnessed. So here the potential is not being acted upon and the tangible ways that people change, we all know, are through personal development, through working on yourself, through making significant changes, and sometimes that takes therapy, sometimes that takes medication, sometimes that takes a rewiring of habits, working with a coach, adding or removing things from your life, you know, adding in a wellness routine to offset depression or anxiety, changing eating habits, getting rid of vices, including food, television, sex, flirting with people. You know there's so many things that if you adjust the lifestyle even just a little, the outcome of how you show up in the world is grand. It's that butterfly effect. You know, one decision that you make ripples is grand. It's that butterfly effect. One decision that you make ripples, it ripples throughout people you don't even know that you're connected with.

Speaker 1: 9:50

And this particular relationship. He is still highly manipulative. The lying has not improved. If anything, my view of it is, it has gotten worse. I think that's just clarity. I think this is probably the extent that it's been there.

Speaker 1: 10:14

I just had my blinders on and or internally, subconsciously, wanted to believe that. Oh no, that can't be the case. He would never do that to me because I wouldn't do it to him and you can't assert what you would do onto anyone else. That's codependency. That's giving someone too much credit for their own internal belief systems, their own internal patterns. And the fact of the matter is people are going to make a choice that you wouldn't make most of the time. Most of the time, people are coming from their own set of shit unless you have someone who can share what that shit is and how they've overcome it and have a deep knowledge of it. You know, has gone into their shadow work, has seen the I mean we all have it the. The human experience, the soul contract is good and evil. It is dark and light, it is both. It is a duality and we have no choice but to live within both of those spaces. However, when you go into those dark sides and shed light upon them, you alchemize that into light and the world reflects that back. And I feel that the more that I look into the darkened corners of my heart and my mind, the more easily it is that I see those patterns and those decisions coming from someone else.

Speaker 1: 12:17

My middle son has had an off and on relationship that is extremely toxic for him and I'm typically known in my previous terrible relationships to be the codependent, the insecurely attached, the toxic one that you know wants to fight to the death to make it work, all while being the victim of someone else's unhealthy behaviors, and I see this in him. He's the recipient of verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse with this person and he was definitely trauma, bonded and codependent to her, and it opened up again after a year of no contact and he was susceptible in the same way and it was ironic because I was going through this relapse with my ex around the same time and I would talk to him about it. And now he is. He's just like me. He sees the good in people, he sees the ability to change because he has made change. But the difference is he's done tangible work. There's tangible things that he has done to improve himself and this other partner did not. It was the same old patterns and yet he wants to imprint his work over the story of her life and think that because he's improved, she's improved. And we all could see it a mile away that that was not the case. And you know I shared with him my journey with my most recent dip back into that world and how I could see it unfolding. And you know I, I just stuff didn't hit the same.

Speaker 1: 14:38

You know they tell you with a narcissist not to defend yourself. But not only is it a waste of energy, because it's not going to accomplish what defensiveness is inclined to create. You know you're wanting it to create understanding. Typically, you're defending yourself to a false narrative or you're wanting to share your true feelings or your true picture of reality with them. And what happens is they take it, they log it into their file of vulnerabilities that they can use against you later in a perceived positive or negative way. You know things are thrown back in a fight, things are used as a motivator for the future. You know well, you did this so that, or, oh, I fully understand because you X, y, z or in this situation.

Speaker 1: 15:37

You know my desire to be a better mother, to have a better relationship with my children, was used against me in in what you could say is a perceived positive way. You know you so desperately want to show your kids what a healthy relationship is. Well, let's show them let's be that healthy relationship. You know those kinds of things where the good in you is twisted for someone else to accomplish their less than beneficial goal to your journey and I showed him that that, yes, people can change, but you've got to watch for these red flags. And if this starts to happen, you know that change has not been secured. Where in my world it was, is there still lying? Is there still yelling? Where in my world it was, is there still lying? Is there still yelling? Is there still manipulation? Is there still selfish tendencies or coercion involved in decision-making, even down to simple things like what do we eat for dinner? Well, the answer was always whatever he wanted to eat for dinner, but I had to be the one to volunteer the correct answer, the one that he was wanting, and for my son, this individual wanted to create a wedge in our family dynamic. My kids are self-proclaimed mama's boys, and that comes with a connotation. I like to point out that they're mama's boys because mama's got their back, and in a loving, healthy way.

Speaker 1: 17:25

I had exceedingly difficult relationships, abusive relationships, with my past mother-in-laws. They were absolutely awful, and I will not do that to the women that my sons select, even when I can see faults in those women or in the relationship. If that's who they're choosing and if that's who's a part of their journey, then I will be there to support it. I will not, however, support abuse. My sons have always said that I love them unconditionally upon one condition, and it's because I've made it clear that there's one condition where I will walk away and you will not receive my support, and that is if you are an abuser who refuses to get help. You must recognize abuse from your, from yourself, and you must seek assistance in clearing that.

Speaker 1: 18:27

I was exposed to it so much, they've been exposed to it and therefore that cycle could perpetuate so easily in any of our conditioning and if it rears its ugly head, an awareness and an effort to change will keep me engaged, but otherwise you're on your own until you figure that shit out. And that's the case with the women. Women can come in with all kinds of human flaws in their own shadow side and I will love them unconditionally until they are abusive to anyone, but certainly to my sons, and that was the case here, and my oldest son and myself witnessed it and we were clear with him that you know this is what's happening, let us know when you recognize it. You know we're here to support you on making a decision on whether you, you know, leave, go no contact or urge her to get some help. And then you know we can support her in that change. And that was what he asked for was for us to help.

Speaker 1: 19:49

So I mean, we had conversations with this individual and gave her our unconditional support and love and it was rejected and the wedge began, you know, being driven in between my son and I, and I pointed that out. Look, this is another abuse tactic. It's isolation. She's trying to get you away from me and your brother because she doesn't approve of what we're saying about the situation. It has all come with love and boundary, all of which are loving, and if she's going to choose to reject that, then no contact kind of becomes your only option, because it's the only consequence that speaks anything. It has to be a final, a final breaking to be a consequence. I'm not going to take you seriously if you still play into their manipulations and he did.

Speaker 1: 21:02

He chose to break it off and you know we watched the fallout after of him continuing to make great life choices, move into his next level of his career, choose healthier relationships, repair friendships that had been broken by that relationship, build and strengthen the relationships with us that he already had and reflect on his belief systems. That got him into that relationship in the first place. And we watched her downward spiral, jump right into another toxic relationship, reach out to old, violent, toxic relationships. And you know the choice was clear, that it was the correct choice, and you know the choice was clear that stuck stationed somewhere where he's not really doing anything and thrill and stress and chaos called his name again and he reached back out and no, I gave him my support. I said just protect yourself from any long-term life consequences. Like, please, don't run to the courthouse and get married. Like, please, don't run to the courthouse and get married, please be sure that you're being safe, as safe as possible with any sexual activity to not create a child here, in this circumstance that you then would have to make a choice that I mean, I know that his choice would be to be a father and then he'd be attached to this woman forever. So just protect your future and your ability to make decisions during this time where you explore her again. And he, you know, of course, the same thing that I have told myself so many times.

Speaker 1: 23:10

She's changed this year, has made a huge difference. She sees things the way that I do. I hear you, I hear you, I hear you, but watch for the actions. The minute that she starts to say anything about your, your mom or your brother, or your choices of things you've done in the army or or any anything, the minute that she starts to negatively impact decisions that you have made from a place of peace and self-assured judgment and decision, the manipulation is again. And it only took about a week before he had talked to my oldest and myself about.

Speaker 1: 23:51

Well, she asked me this and she pointed out that and she, you know, wanted to know this. And I mean a week. It took her a week, that's. There's no change there. Buddy, this is not. This is not new and different. This is same and old. And you are on the precipice of being sucked right back into that trauma bond. So you can do what I did, where you can continue to believe for nine months that the potential outweighs the reality, or you can do what it took me nine months to learn, which is just say no, nope, I'm going to give you your space back, I'm going to take my space back and I'm going to recognize the reality of the situation here before, before I get sucked into something that I don't want to have to deal with.

Speaker 1: 24:42

And he broke it off again and has moved on, and I am so incredibly proud of him, for he's my kid that has to learn by fire. Hey, it's hot over there, I know, but I got to touch it to figure that out. He's usually shown to be that type of decision maker similar to myself, and he didn't this time. He performed the way his older brother does with I watched what my mom went through. I watched what my dad went through and I want nothing to do with that. I don't want that stress. I don't want the impact on my life, my financial future, my career choices. I don't want any of that. And so he's made decisions based on our lessons and my't want any of that. And so he's made decisions based on our lessons. And my middle kid just did that and I'm so incredibly proud and it made my situation feel like my nine months of discovery wasn't that long really. When I look at it, I feel like the lessons have anchored in, I'm seeing it clearly and I know that my rebound rate is so much faster.

Speaker 1: 26:03

This didn't take a decade. This didn't take a decade. This didn't take a marriage. This didn't take really anything hurtful, because I protected my peace, I protected my boundary. I didn't rope our youngest son into the dynamic. I made sure that it was you know, something he and I were discussing. That wasn't you know. He was rushing me to tell my son that we were quote dating or back together, that I was dad's girlfriend or you know any of these things Like? No, absolutely not. I am still in the discovery phase with you, and if you can't respect that I'm setting that boundary for our son out of his best interest, then that is yet another red flag. And he tried to cross it multiple times. And you know, one time was truly enough to have me questioning to have one foot in and one foot out. And two, three times was like, yeah, nope, this isn't going to work, I've got to take both feet out again because you're not respecting my boundary, one of the boundaries he crossed.

Speaker 1: 27:19

When we first got together, I had my two older sons and I had been divorced for a few years. My ex-husband had gotten remarried and we were co-parenting and he had introduced, obviously, his wife to my son. She was another step-mom and I I wanted to be very careful about who I brought into my son's life. I had introduced them to one person that I had dated and that was simply because of circumstances. This person was long distance. I would, you know, fly to another state to see him on the weekends I didn't have my kids, and then I would fly home and do my mom thing and then fly back out there. But after a year of doing that, I determined and then fly back out there. But after a year of doing that I determined right, I'm going to, I'm going to fly him out here and see how he does in in my world, and at that point I introduced my sons and that was the next best decision before making any long-term commitment, you know, of future marriage or cohabitation with this man.

Speaker 1: 28:22

And it ended up not working out, man, and it ended up not working out. So you know, they had the, the meeting, and then had a slight attachment, not a huge attachment, but you know, we all went through that breakup together and so I didn't want to do that to them again. And I had been seeing my ex-husband for I don't want to say it was three weeks and he had asked me you know, when do I get to meet the boys? When am I going to meet the boys? And I was like it's going to be a while, it's going to be a few months. You know I'm not going to do what I did before. Oh, I look back at poor me from that period of time and how vulnerable I allowed myself to be in my boundaries and how shaky my boundaries were.

Speaker 1: 29:13

Because you know, here I'm articulating this, but the pressure, the pressure should have been seen as a boundary crossing. It was unreal, the amount of pressure that he would put. You know it'd be hey, I'm going to buy baseball tickets. Should I buy four? No, you should buy two. Hey, you know my, my parents are planning a cruise. Should we invite the boys? No, I should either schedule a week where I can go or you go with your family and we're going to wait for another year before the boys are included. And it was just so much pressure.

Speaker 1: 29:53

And I was home with my boys on a Friday night. It was my weekend, he knew it, and it was close to bedtime and I was like 830 or nine o'clock on a Friday night, she's getting ready to kids, ready for bed. They were in their jammies or snuggling on the couch and getting ready to be tucked in and I hear a knock on the door and I was like no way, what? And the actual? And I go check and it's him. And he lived an hour and 15 minutes away at this time and you know I stepped out on the front porch and shut the door behind me. I'm like what are you doing here?

Speaker 1: 30:28

He's like I just couldn't stop thinking about you and I wanted to. You know he would always use the notebook, the movie as, like this romantic gesture thing, he still throws it around. That there, you know, obsession over one another was the goal, and he's like I've just had to see you. I just couldn't enjoy my weekend away from you. I've spent, you know, every other weekend with you the last two or three weeks and I have to see you again, and so I just wanted to come up and give you a kiss and then I'll go back home and it was like are the boys still up? It was like are the boys still up? And in that moment it's like my head went to butterflies, my stomach sunk.

Speaker 1: 31:19

My intuition knew. My intuition knew this was a manipulated tactic to cross the boundary and meet my kids before I was ready and I should have been pissed. I should have been pissed on so many levels, crossing my boundary, showing up here at night. They're tired and vulnerable. They don't really even know about you. They know that I've been seeing somebody because you know I talked to them on the weekends when they're with their dad and I would say, yeah, I'm down in Denver with, with my well, I'm calling my name down in Denver with so-and-so, you know, enjoying a weekend. I'll be back home on Sunday night before I pick you up on Monday. So they knew that mom was seeing somebody. But that was it.

Speaker 1: 31:59

And he's like well, can I meet him? No, I drove all the way up here. I'm like I thought you drove up here to give me a kiss. Ding, ding, ding. Why are the tornado sirens in my head not going off like crazy? And I said, all right, let me go check with them.

Speaker 1: 32:15

So you know, I go into the house and I'm like hey, so-and-so's here on the porch. He came up to see me real quick, do you have any interest in meeting them? And my oldest said yeah, I will. And my youngest one hid behind me Ding, ding, ding. Should have been another one. No, we as a collective unit are not ready. And my oldest is just friendly, curious and seven years old, doesn't know any better.

Speaker 1: 32:41

But I determined all right, well, it's now or never. So I let him come in and I said okay, you can only say five minutes. These guys are getting ready for bed and you just rile them up. And Kevin was sorry, guys, sorry to rile you up before bed. I just really care about your mom and you know I wanted to show a romantic gesture and be a great man and and make the drive up here to see her. And you know, he proclaims this knight in a shining armor on a white horse thing to my sons. And so I introduced him and he's like all right, I'm going to go, you guys have a great night. And they were good, they were jovial and happy about it. They were fine, shy, but open, and tucked him into bed and actually fell asleep pretty quick and wasn't much to discuss the next day and I said, how'd you guys feel about that, him showing up here last night? Oh, that was really nice of him to come see you mom. He seems like a nice guy, you know, positive.

Speaker 1: 33:43

And then we moved on with our day. So there wasn't any kind of obsession there, there wasn't any fear there, and that was that. And then we started doing stuff as a unit. After that, you know, the next weekend I had him, we took him to the zoo and he just obliterated the boundary, and so I'm keenly aware of that now and want to make sure that my son can learn my lessons.

Speaker 1: 34:12

These are violations, these are red flags, these are things that might look nice and pretty right now, but they have a dark side and it won't be long before that dark side reveals itself. So I'm telling you this so that maybe you could be the one that doesn't need to touch the stove to find out. I mean, I'm just doing you a favor here. The pain is extensive. You a favor here. The pain is extensive, the financial consequences can be extensive, the healing can be 10 times longer and so much more emotionally and physically painful than what you need to go through if you allow yourself the ability to see these things, see the reality over the potential, view the consequences, before you're actually having to be at that crossroads and make decisions when faced with those consequences.

Speaker 1: 35:28

I love you. I know where you're at. Take my warning. It's the greatest gift I can possibly offer you, because here I am sitting on my porch After nine months of relapse, after a crazy painful relationship, crazy painful separation, crazy painful return, crazy painful divorce. I mean, all of it can be totally avoided if you just hear my advice. Okay, all right, that's as much as I can pressure you with this. I'm not going to give you more than what you want. So if you have any questions or you need anything, reach out to awakenwildonecom. We're here for you and supporting you and loving you as you break your generational curses and find your inner knowing, your inner strength. Alchemize that shit so that you can unleash your best life. Love you lots, love you lots. Please subscribe, as we're going to meet here every week and continue to grow and develop into our best selves. Have a wonderful day.